Mini-Ep 89: Protect Your Heart
Hello and welcome to forever thirty five podcast about the things we do to take care of ourselves. I'm Dorothy I'm Kate Spencer. We are not experts. Just two friends who likes to talk a lot about Sierra. ooh Jazz Ange. This episode where we hear from you share your comments and thoughts and an answer questions to the best of our ability and we always ask that you do please remember. We are not experts. We are just podcast hosts so we always encourage you to seek support first and foremost from a doctor or a mental health professional as needed. And if you WANNA reach us our voicemail is seven eight one five nine one zero three nine. Zero r e mail is forever thirty-five podcasts at G MAIL DOT COM. Let's kick things off with a message to you. Dorie thank you kate. Very sweet sweet message or literally and I'm all about right now all right and catching up on my magazine reading. Because I love on and off and Marie Claire Magazine Holiday Issue Outward Affection is my lawn and the profile is written by one story should fear and I literally sat out loud. We don't door which is weird because I I don't know you and you're very successful writer and my surprised that you're in Clare excited for you and I'm McCauley's which I've never done before but I love you both and I love the podcast and I just wanted to say congratulations. You guys are meeting and you make my life and just wanted to thank you for that. So happy holidays. Happy Twenty Twenty and Thanks for being you I know thank you go door things came. I wrote a profile of Jennifer Lea. Remember when you're working on that is the chief creative officer of Disney animation and also co wrote and directed the frozen 's it sounds amazing. She's extremely cool. Well look listener. You do know us we do. We do. Wow we do know you and we love you. I mean we know each other and kind of magical weird podcast way. Yes I do feel like we all know each other kind of yeah totally and I mean look we know you're in the topless reading a magazine because then that was not too much information. I didn't all is there ever. I love with listeners. Call it sorry this is. Tmi Dot dot dot never team oh you literally know about our hemorrhoids. Our bodies Dory's blasting water upper button day. I mean you know the details the two of those three examples. Where about butts? I love by care about bringing back butts for twenty twenty. Hey you know what. I'm all about Butts and twenty third overlook part of our body because it just you know not by us. Well that's true anyway. That was really a sweet message. So thank you for that. We've got another voicemail here another nice but we're just playing nice messages today. Here we are indoor. I just had to say. Listen to me that you had with your husband's You guys are so funny. It was such a United States with a pot and I I think it would be a good I get back at another time I just had to tell you because I think it was a great year and It was really good conversation here yet so I loved Pat. Thanks Kate episode. That we did with our husbands has met with great acclaim. which were truly thrilled about? We are his. We didn't know how that was going to go. We didn't neither did. They know they didn't they were. They were good sports about it. They were really good sports. I think I think they enjoyed themselves. House feel like we learned a lot like I didn't know they had thought so much about hair plugs. Yeah you know. I think it's a big source of anxiety for man you you know. I don't want to be like well good but like I'm glad that they have something. The structural system in which we live in which that's true the burden often doesn't fall on the old white men's to feel bad about true but anyway they were really really happy to have them on and thank you all for receiving them so grindley signed. Louis I really. I really got a chuckle out of all the enthusiasm with which they were greeted. Their silly guy they are they are big goofs Eh great people and they have good chemistry to like with each other. I know I would love for them to they. Were Yukking add up. I mean we had to cut a lot of the COP OP dead. There's just trim on the floor of them making lots of jokes about how they like. Jokingly love construction right they were they they were really they were making jokes about masculinity and yeah yeah they're funny they're funny story yes and depend depend on other VM. Here do it. Dang it's the knee from Denver again. I forgot I wanted to thank you guys for not letting your podcast CIA into seasons. I love that you play it straight through the whole year. I understand you take like a week off or two weeks off depending on vacation but I really appreciate the full time hot and I'm also curious if you ever GonNa do a live show or start doing live shows and she. Do you better come to Denver. I love that she just ended. You'd better the Denver Nuggets. I would love to come to Denver. Okay so first of all. Thank you for liking how we structure the podcast. Yeah Yeah it is you know we are trying to make more time offer ourselves because I feel like the first year and a half we just like blasted through Ooh down and then we're like. Oh this is we. We have to take like full rest. Meaning we're not thinking about the podcast for a good week at a time. Yeah wouldn't you say that would be good for mental health. Yes so what we just did. Yes and we're working on just figuring out how to do that in a way that it's also not like disruptive to the to. You're listening to this fear Yes yes but we do love doing this consist. Yeah it's a real thrill it is as for live shows that is I would say on our top up of our podcast to do list and twenty twenty. We're really trying to figure it out. I mean in the interest of full transparency laid out there during. It's hard to know. Oh how many people would actually come to a live show. Would anyone come like we know we have listeners. But to and the rubber hits the road good. Are you all going to buy tickets to our chef. You really want to come to show. We don't know and it's okay if you don't it's totally fine but it's like when we're planning a tour and we're we have to sort of estimate like how many people would show up and book a venue. It's like oh it's truly. We have no idea we've never done before. Yeah we'll probably start smaller. I was thinking like arenas it's going to be an MSG just me and you and a couple listeners. Listeners eleven arena. She'll say a no. We definitely want to do it. And it's been I will say the Times where we've done live events certain kind of like an had a meet up. It has been so incredible like meeting listeners in connecting with people's really fun and it's also really cool just to seep the listeners. Get to know each other all immune in a space so we are thinking about it If you have leads on locations in your cities hit us up. Yeah probably has to be a more major metropolis right now. Yeah but look. If you own a venue in Hawaii or or Hawaii or Hawaii Hawaii let us know we are coming. They're only doing a Hawaii tour. Doing all the islands and that would honestly be so much fun so amazing. Let's do it okay. We have an email here before we take a little break. AAC email is really giving the other email a run for its money although but do you know what this means. We have thirteen year old listeners. Yes multiple we have multiple thirteen year. Old We love you so much religious. Okay okay hi I am from San Diego I am also thirteen eighteen. Just like the past listener clear. I am a ballet dancer and have seven classes a week. That are all very long. That isn't even including all the different types of rehearsals performances school and extra school activities activities. As you can tell there is a lot going on and I was wondering how I can cram in time to do things with friends. It's always sorry I have ballet and I want to transition to sure I'm free three. Please help he s my little sister and I love your podcast and have cherished every bit of it my little sister so we have a listener. Who at least one listener? Who is younger than thirteen? I'm blown away next thing. You know your daughter's right in I mean. Did I tell you that one of my daughters started reading my books. One of my Book My Book Doc. The only book I've written so far no about my mom and was like crying about it. I was like wow. That's that's a story for another podcast or back to this listener. Low thirteen-year-old listeners is tough I was thinking about this and I will tell you listener was as I saw your email. I had just had had dinner with one of my oldest friends known since I was about eight or nine. And she's a dancer and she had this kind of schedule. Our whole lives all through through middle school and high school danced everyday for hours and tons of rehearsals and was also on varsity soccer. And I am going to ask her how she did it because she she also made time for her friendships and relationships. But I think that can be really hard when you're young and passionate about something and also schoolwork. I'm wondering if maybe maybe it would help you to keep a calendar and you might start to be able to visually lay out all the stuff that's on your plate like even just just a basic like twelve hanging on the wall calendar where you write everything out and then when you see the spots where you have time free you take the lead on making king plans with people. I like that I was also going to say I would. I would look at your schedule and see if there's anything you can cut out Like you say extra school activities. Do you a half to participate in all of those school activities. I don't know what they are. Yeah but it does sound like something's going to have to give a little bit in order for you to make time for your friends and look we're not your parents or your teachers or your coaches or whatever none of those things so you know take this with the cream assault but your your social life is of value as are the activities that you do and they they need to. They all can balance each other out and give relief from the other. Yes so if you feel like you're not having enough time in your social engagements I think it's okay to put some value there again. I agree I'm not a parent but please posted. Yeah and thank you so much for listening shoutout to your little sister. I hope we have said anything inappropriate for sure. We have to just go on about butts but everybody has but butts aren't inappropriate all right. Let's take it okay on that note. We're repack well. We say forget. I'm like Oh it's a sued doing the podcast. Why did I not waiting on anyone know? Okay let's kick things off here with a return to product conversation. I K N Dory calling you from Palm Springs Because I just had brought up that I wanted to share with that is maybe sometimes the reason that we don't think a product gotta work because we're not using enough of it. I figure this out using living proof in shower styler because I had been playing things for a while and I liked what it did my hair but I didn't feel like it was always a dramatic enough styling products and then I put more on my mom's day when he's in the shower and blonde hair and I really pleased with the Gel and this was just something that like maybe some times. He's changed the way we're using our products the nature reserve being effective The only downside to this is this is like how cheap for me and I'm like oh I love the south but you know. Aw It's GonNa be a tree and trying to get us that about Catherine setting it that I love all these things that are like maybe a little out of my budget for this time. 'cause you know we're doing our best. I think everybody has an I just love you guys for coming this resource to talk about all the things. They live Yeah have a great day bye to rest. Does love poem spring. Yes love all those things. Uh this made me chuckle. Because I wonder if you're like me in which I buy myself a product and then I'm just gonNA use drop this because I gotta make it last for two years. They spent money on it. It's hard for me to like dump the product out in my hand and really go for it. I have been noticing lately especially with Moisturizer Zor slathering on and make it better. I think so. Yeah it's GonNa feels good. I got I love this epiphany and you know again. This might be the kind of funny that is for for you and for somebody else may have an epiphany. That's like any loss of this product for our effectively for me. But I don't know becoming more one with our products hopefully great it is consumerism. That's a tough one it is. We haven't solved it and we're definitely not going to. What's read an email? Shall I read it. Take it away in those dulcet tones. Hank you can't I think I will. High Cain Dory. I'm a longtime listener. First Time reaching out. Oh my God what you said. He was dulcet tones. And using the tone do much. It's so soothing. Calm down my anxiety like dropped okay. I'm sorry can continue. I'm twenty six really starting to take my health and self care seriously. You're pod really makes a field less overwhelming more like the gift it really is. I need your your help. I'm passionate about nontoxic and natural skin care products after pushing past the hype. Seeing how big of a difference they make in our overall wellness. My Skin is both incredibly oily and hardly dry the most combo skin there ever was. I have the hardest time finding prods. That work for me any any now recommendations would be so so helpful was like Asmar. I honestly have like that. Weird neck tickle. Ah I'm gonNA read all emails. Oh my I just want to thank the listener wrote that email. That are being the our youtube channel. Holy moly how to recover. I wish you could see me. I was like the listeners. Visual experience seeing okay. Well this listener you write this at an interesting time. Because I am revisiting visiting yield squally oil and I wonder if this might be a good option for you now look again not an expert but I believe squalene comes hums the closest to mimicking your skin's natural moisture wail my right. You know it's funny. You say that because I was going to recommend bioscience oh I do like BIOS. And they use squalene in most of their product do and they have a light they have some nice lightweight. Um Products. Balancing the oiling and the dry that's really challenging so I'm also wondering if less is more for are you rather than trying to put this on balance and do those not just maybe Hold back a little bit. Go very simple. And let's see what happens. I don't know I would say. Lay off the cleansers. Lay off the exfoliating. It's be really gentle on your skin. Maybe just like what Kate was saying like one serum and a moisturizer. And and that's that's in your sunscreen dory the squalene oil that I've been using is by indeed laboratories And and it is derived. I'm quitting from their website and also caroline higher on Uses it as well and has written about it on her website but on their website website. They say it's one hundred percent from sugar cane so it's not from palm oil or pardon royal And it's just really I don't know it's a really hydrating grading I love it. So and it's twenty dollars. Sounds great pretty good price point I would say they begin. Animals Listener. An let's it's open this up for the listeners and you know also there is a forever. thirty-five natural beauty subgroup. That I bet would have a lot of great answers. Yeah Yeah Yeah So. We'll try to reach out there. Yeah we've got a long email from a listener. I'm going to read it. I'm not going to do it in a dulcet tone. When a regular tones find dear kate and Dory I'm forty three years old and I have a busy job and two youngest kids ages seven and ten last? You're my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's she lives on her own because my parents are divorced and she and my sister are estranged so her care and managing. Her illness has fallen on me. Here's the positive sort of side. She's still in mostly spirits and we have a great medical team taking care of her. I'm in Canada's a medical costs are not a worry. Although the funds required for eventual supported housing are she lives nearby so I can see her frequently. I've got a great husband who supports me both emotionally practically my dad. Even though divorced from my mom's still helps out by doing her grocery shopping. I am seeing therapist. Who knows me well in whom I trust? Here's what I can't seem to deal with. How alone I feel? Despite the positives mentioned above. I can't get over the fact that the buck stops me and no one else really gets it friends. Avoid the topic or talk about how they dealt with their grandparents who had alzheimers parentheses. Not the same as mom. It seems that for those around on me. I'm in a grey zone. My mom hasn't died. She's not actually ill in hospital or anything but watching her decline and taking on the responsibility for her care is incredibly painful. I'm sad about it all all the time. I have tried reaching out to some friends to say that I'm having a hard time. But they don't really know what to say beyond that they're sorry. How do we deal with this? I don't know exactly what I'm looking for aside from some acknowledgement from others. I don't know why I'm so focused on this sort of recognition. Others are busy and they don't really understand and I get it. I know I'm still care for and love. This is made me so resentful and angry especially a friends complain about their parents or their siblings. A mean and ugly part of me always wants to remind them how lucky they are a hate that this situation in is making me bitter like this. Do you have any thoughts about how to begin to overcome these feelings or to reframe this narrative actually do have some thoughts thoughts. Let's hear him. Can you find a support group. Yeah that was my first thought. A caregiver and preferably with people who are dealing with Alzheimer's loved ones with Alzheimer's because I think then you would find people who truly understand what you're going through and you all are kind you've dealing with the same stuff. Yeah and I mean I I think it can be really hard for people to understand. Yeah Yeah it just in it and that is it is so isolating and being a caregiver is so intense and so hard and my guess is there other listeners listeners who are caregiving for ailing parents. Right now who see you I just know having done it briefly with my mom and when she had cancer and a totally different experience but I I know what the challenges were for me in that in that time and it is very lonely and I do want to validate your feelings. Is that that you feel resentful and angry. Especially if people complain about their parents or their siblings I really this resonates with me personally. I really went through this. I've gone I mean it's still pops up for me now but especially in the recent years after my mom died. Yeah Man I get it totally we get it and you know sometimes like I just WanNa say like. Sometimes it's not the right time to overcome the feelings or reframe the narrative like it. You don't always always have to put a positive spin or change. What your feelings are? I think your feelings are valid. And you know just because you feel that doesn't mean that those people don't appreciate their parents or or whatever but like I get I get what you're feeling I get it get it I get it I see you. It's it's really hard to sit and listen. Does someone complain about a healthy parent. Even though you know I always knew if my mom was healthy I'd be complaining. You know certain you understand it. But I'm rambling. I just one of the validate your feelings and I do think we set a support. Group is a place where these feelings would be very validated. and seeing. If there's not when you can get to in real life I would. Let's see if there's something online or a facebook facebook group of people who are in your same situation. Good luck yeah or hey forever forever. Thirty five listeners. If there's even one or two of you out there and you want a former facebook group together about this go for it. Yeah you know all you need is like one or two other people who who get it on that note. Let's take another quick break and we'll be right back. Let's do it. They talk. Well we're going to switch gears a little bit and we have to relationship topics we do. First One's pretty intense. It is to read it. I'll read it. I don't Torri Dental citoyens. No Dory Tons K. High Hindu. I'm twenty five and currently living with my boyfriend. Eight and a half years. He's smart funny. Supported adventurous never complains and splits the housework evenly and willingly with me in short. He's a wonderful life. Partner recently came up that he's not quote certain of me meaning. He's not one hundred percents certainty that the person for him. He elaborated saying that he didn't feel like we have an. We'd had enough series conversations about our life goals aspirations etc for him to be certain I honestly was both shocked and heartbroken shocked because it never even crossed my mind eight and a half years in that he might still be testing the out heartbroken. Because I'm certain about him and it hurts. It's that he's not in the same place weekly. We had a follow up conversation. I answered his questions about career goals. Kids where I wanNA live I wanNA retire etc and I listened to all his answers. Yeah he's still not certain and he's not even really able to tell me why he's uncertain if I had to guess though I'd say it's because he really values independence struggles with making long-term term commitments. We ended the conversation with me saying I understand that it's a big decision and I don't want to rush into anything but I would like to ask that out of respect for me and my time you start actively trying to get to a place of certainty regardless of whether that means you're certain you WanNa be with me or you're certain you don't. He agreed that that was fair and said he would start doing that now. I feel like I'm just waiting for him to break up with me even though Oh he might decide that he certainly wants to be with me. And it's devastating. I'm not exactly sure what I'm asking here. I guess maybe I WANNA know if I'm handling the situation correctly is it okay. That eight and a half years in. I'm still waiting for him to be certain about me. Or my selling yourself short by being with someone who has to decide whether or not I'm the one eight and a half years in is it okay to give him an ultimatum to tell him for my own sanity either. I need to admit that I need him to make up his mind sooner rather than later. Any advice or words of encouragement would be so so so appreciated. The thing I keep coming back to you is is that. Why does he get to be the one to decide? I think that you get to make the decision for how your life goes and in my opinion if you're with someone who's not certain of you. It sounds to me from reading this that that that you've said that's made you heartbroken in because you are certain. And he's not and so you get to decide if you want to be continued being with this person right now doesn't mean that you might not still end up with with this person and married and for one hundred years but I think that you are the boss of your life here yes kate. This person is the boss of their life. I also think it's it. It must be especially hard when you've been with someone for that long and you're so young you must have started dating him when you were sixteen or seventeen eighteen seventeen sixteen or seventeen. Because they've been she's twenty five and she's been with him for eight and a half years so you know it's it's hard to break up with anyone anytime but but I think especially when you've literally grown up with someone. It's really hard to imagine your life without them now. But I'm saying you need to break up but I'm just saying like in the universe of possibilities that is one possibility ability and it must be difficult to picture that My my take away from this is is that he's now put this out there and I feel like no matter what decision he comes due to. Its now out there that he was uncertain about you after eight and a half years and like maybe that we'll be something you could get over. I would have a hard time. I personally would have a hard time getting over that e getting over you mean it would constantly be in the back the brain yes and I feel like I would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop what I am going to suggest and again take this take it or leave it. I would suggest a trial separation. Would you suggest couples therapy with the two of them. Sure maybe couples therapy and a trial separation. Yeah take take a break I mean. Have this be your decision as kate within. That's yeah and and I think a trial separation might help with that you might. You might have a trial trial separation and say you know what this really is. My person and I'm going to get past what he said. And it will be fine or you might say you know what now that I have some some clarity and some distance. I can see that. I don't really appreciate the way he treated me. I don't know or could be somewhere in between how about we get to this place. What about this this listener decides they are certain about this person there? This boyfriend the boyfriend says actually no. And how do you then or is this just talking about something. That doesn't happen yet or like how. How do you then process the fact that you feel like? You're you've had you've made your person and they said Nope and now you have to deal with that. I think it really sucks but at least you know. Yeah you're not in this like weird limbo. Yeah that's what I think. I feel. Oh protective of your listeners. Because you've now placed in this slim in limbo like having a slender weight makes you not feel good about your so am I I I I think you've been extremely patient and generous. With him and mature. Michaud are as follow up conversation and ask ask him to actively get to a place of certainty and and I understand that it probably feels forced and artificial to say you must decide by February retentive whether whether you're going to be with me or not but also like you've also kind of given him a way to to to keep living in this a place of uncertainty which seems very convenient for him very convenient very comfortable for him so I I think you have to protect your own heart and meaning meaning like this. Is You have more agency in this situation than you think you think you do. And you're I do think that ultimately your heart You deserve to belong to not belong. You deserve to be with someone who is certain about certain about you. Yes I'm also a heavy word. Yes Oh because there are times in any relationship really. Oh my God I don't know what am I did. I make the right choice here like it. It is okay to grapple with uncertainty. I think that is say some poboy going to potentially controversial. Oh my gosh here comes. I think he's waiting for you to break up with him. I don't think that's controversial at all. It could that could I'm reading this and I'm getting. This is a person in who is too cowardly to break up with you. So he has given you every thing thing in his arsenal to present himself as unworthy of you and he's waiting for you to pull the trigger because I don't think he's going to who having been in a similar situation. Yeah Yeah that's where I'm reading where this is coming from. I just feel like these types of guys. Don't actually want to be the one they don't want to be the bad guy especially after eating for eight years a longtime so they're trying I this again. This may sound harsh but my read on this when all is said and done is that he is kindly manipulating you into breaking up with him. I don't know that sucks. Yeah so I think that's what I mean when I say. Protect your heart. Yeah yes yeah I I know what you mean so you have value you. Sound like a great press. I say this all from a place of love and support. Yes and look he could come in tomorrow and be like you know what I am certain. Swath fuck was I thinking. Yeah totally yes. Let's do it and then like great great only you can know what is true and right near relationship. Oh sorry. This is a dory moment tight. Just his Co. like answer all his questions about career goals when I want to retire like is this a job interview after eight and a half years I just I just don't I don't I don't get a good feeling. I'm sorry. Sorry I don't get a good feeling. Speak your truth. Dory's says my truth I just don't get a good feeling. I also just want to say relationships are really hard and suit thing from the other side. It is okay for another person to not know if a relationship is right for them totally. I totally I wanNA make sure like. I'm like doing the best to see all sides. Yes and of course we all come to advice with our own biases Um that is true so and I acknowledged that all seem like we're passing judgment on you but I also feel like sometimes sometimes radical honesty is the kindest path to take any words final words of encouragement for this listener. They asked her words encouragement. I think what you just said like you are a worthy person. You sound amazing. You're deserving of love true certain firm Yes love from this person or another person or many other people down the road who knows what life will unfurled anyway. This is really hard listener really hard. You can see it's hard just by how long we've talked about. Yeah and thank you for asking us and you know what if you feel up to keep us posted and if anyone has been here Holler at us. Well look. We're going to end on a light note. I was gonNA say hi now. I know too late. Note kind of ending back where we started. Good Point And we have another listener embarassing moment. Were so grateful for the US. Thank you for sharing your truth cells with us. We will play this and then from there I captain door Just calling in with an embarrassing story for you guys but I thought everybody would like I'm taking a break from baking cookies with my five year olds because yeah need to break But your boob story three on the Horse reminded me Of A vacation. Actually it was my honeymoon. I was on with my husband. has nothing to do with food enforcers but Embarrassing them the last. I was having a lovely dinner with my husband in Jamaica Ran. I decided that sitting around the a fire Outside would be romantic removed outside and as we were sitting there. I think the dinner wasn't sitting so well with me and ended up leading to go. Use the bathroom but instead of walking maybe five feet. The nearest bathroom. I who have a problem. Using uncovered restrooms decided. No we needed to get back to our hotel room which was on the other side of the resort so I decided you start walking. Go back to the hotel room and my husband's solitude well about halfway through this jungle walk You pases in you know resort I decided that it was now or never. And how they bridesmaid moment In the movie where she basically we check in the middle of the street So Yeah I had a beautiful frawley romantic dress on for the evening and more or less pooped in a Bush on my honeymoon. Yeah I tell the story most of the time to pretty much anybody who will listen. But I thought I'd share it with the world now if you do decide to play this Even better part of the story was the group that I couldn't manage to get back to the hotel room with In the Bush kind of lingered for the rest of the trip breath really gross. I know but it was that or Qiuping address having to figure that whole mess out and it was a whole thing. My husband loves to laugh at me about this and I Yeah I live with shame and and Whatever you WANNA call them day to day basis anyways hope you guys are having a happy happy holiday season? Please don't prove yourself and Rubbed everyone by what a great note to end on. Please don't poop yourself yourselves please. Do you know what sometimes it does happen. It's Okay Amen. Twenty twenty here. We go is going to be a year all right bye everyone i.