To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This | Encore
Modern love the podcast supported by from. Wb you are and read it. Endless bread is back with a new special series madness the secret mission for mind control and the people who paid the price light deprivation shock treatment a listener generic drugs and she lost her saw subscribed to endless thread on apple podcasts. Or WHEREVER YOU LISTEN. Hey modern love listeners. Recently we released an episode about the thirty six questions that lead to love. And we want to invite you to try the thirty six questions. Now maybe with a person you're sheltering in place with or maybe someone you're not with right now then send us a voice memo about the experience. Did you learn something new about the other person? Were there any questions especially interesting to both of you? Did the questions lead to love? And if you've done the questions before what was that like you can find a link to thirty six questions at WBU are dot org slash modern love and send us your voice memo at modern love at wbz Dot Org that's modern love at WB. You are dot org produced by the island at WBZ are Boston from the New York Times and W. B. U. R. Boston. This is modern law stories of love loss and redemption. I'm your host Meghna Chakrabarti So maybe you've been stuck at home for a while now and maybe you're running out of things to do if you've already baked three sour dough loaves and watched everything currently available on Netflix. Or if you just need a break from the stress we have a suggestion. Thirty six questions to fall in love. I listen to Gillian. Jacobs Reading Mandolin Caltrans Essay to fall in love with anyone do this then. If you feel like it try the thirty six questions with someone you can find a link to all of the questions at wbz. Dot Org slash in love. Then send us a voice memo telling us about your experience. Did you discover something new about the person you did this with? Were there any questions that particularly struck you? Did the questions lead to love? Email us your voice memo at modern love at WB you are dot org now. Here's Gillian Jacobs with Mandy. Len Caltrans Essay more than twenty years ago. This psychologist Arthur. Aaron succeeded making two strangers fall in love in his laboratory last summer. I applied his technique in my own life. Which is how I found myself going on a bridge at midnight. Staring into a man's is for exactly four minutes. Let me explain earlier in the evening that man had said I suspect given a few commonalities you could fall in love with anyone. If so how do you choose someone? He was a university acquaintance. I occasionally ran into at the climbing gym and had thought what if I got a glimpse into his days on instagram. But this was the first time we had hung out one on one. Actually psychologists have tried making people fall in love. I said remembering Dr Aaron Study. It's fascinating I've always wanted to try it. I I read about the study. When I was in the midst of a break-up each time I thought of leaving my heart overruled my brain. I felt stuck so like a good academic. I turned to science hoping there was a way to love smarter. I explained study to my university acquaintance. A heterosexual man and woman enter the lab through separate doors. They sit face to face and answer a series of increasingly personal questions. Then they stare silently into each other's eyes for four minutes the most tantalizing detail six months later the two participants were married. The invited the entire lab to the ceremony. Let's try it he said. Let me acknowledge. The ways are experiment already fails to line up with the study. I we are in a bar. Not A lab second. We weren't strangers. Not only that but I see now that one neither suggested nor agrees to try and experiment designed to create romantic love. If one is an open to this happening google. Dr aarons questions. There are thirty six. We spent the next two hours passing my phone across the table. Alternately posing each question they began innocuously. Would you like to be famous? In what way. And when did you last sing to yourself to someone else? But they quickly became probing in response to the prompt name. Three things you and your partner appear to have in common. He looked at me and said I think we're both interested in each other. I grinned Gulp. My beer as he listed two more commonalities I then promptly forgot. We exchanged stories about the last time. We cried and confessed the one thing. We'd like to ask a fortune teller relationships with our mothers. The questions reminded me of the infamous boiling frog experiment in which the frog doesn't feel the water getting hotter until it's too late with us. Because the level of vulnerability increased gradually. I didn't notice we'd entered intimate territory until we were already there a process that can typically take weeks or months. I liked learning about myself through my answers but I like learning things about him even more the bar which was empty when we arrive had filled up by the time. We paused for a bathroom break. I sat alone at our table aware of my surroundings for the first time in an hour and wondered if anyone had been listening to our conversation if they had I hadn't noticed I didn't notice as the crowd thinned late. We all have a narrative of ourselves. That we offer up to strangers and acquaintances. But Dr aarons questions make it impossible to rely on that narrative ours was the kind of accelerated intimacy are remembered from summer camp staying up all night with a new friend exchanging the details of our short lives at thirteen away from home for the first time it felt natural to get to know someone quickly but rarely does adult life present us. With such circumstances the moments I found myself. I'm comfortable not when I had to make confessions about myself but had to venture opinions about my partner for example question. Twenty two alternate sharing something. You consider a positive characteristic of your partner a total of five times in question. Twenty eight tell you partner what you like about them. Be Very honest. This time saying things you might not say to someone. You've just met much of Dr Errands. Research focuses on creating interpersonal closeness. In particular several studies. Investigate the ways we incorporate others into our sense of self. It's easy to see the questions. Encourage what they call self expansion saying things like. I like your voice your taste and beer the way all your friends seem to admire. You makes certain positive qualities belonging to one person explicitly valuable to the other it's astounding really to hear what someone admires a new. I don't know why we don't go around thoughtfully complementing one another all the time. We finished at midnight taking far longer than the ninety minutes for the original study looking around the bar felt as if I just woken up. That wasn't so bad. I said definitely less uncomfortable than the staring. Into each other's eyes part would be. He has attained and asked. Do you think we should do that to here? I looked around. The Bart seem too weird to public. We could stand on the bridge. He said turning toward the window. The night was warm and I was wide awake. We walked to the highest point turned face each other fumbled with my phone as they set the timer. Okay I said inhaling sharply okay. He said smiling. I've skied steep slopes and hung from a rock face by short length of rope. Staring into someone's eyes for four silent minutes was one of the more thrilling and terrifying experiences of my life. I SPENT THE FIRST COUPLE OF MINUTES. Just trying to breathe properly. There's a lot of nervous smiling until eventually we settled in the eyes are the windows to the soul or whatever but the real crux of the moment was not just that I was really seeing someone but then I was seeing someone really seeing me once. I embraced the of this realization and gave it time to subside. I arrived somewhere unexpected. I felt brave and in a state of wonder part of that wonder. Was that my own vulnerability and part was the kind of weird wonder you get from seeing a word over and over until it loses its meaning and becomes what it actually is an assemblage of sounds so it was with the I which is not a window to anything but rather a clump of very useful sells the sentiment associated with the. I fell away and I was struck by it's astounding biological reality. The spherical nature of the eyeball the visible Musculature of the IRS and the smooth wet glass of the cornea was strange and exquisite when the timer buzzed. I was surprised and a little relieved but I also felt a sense of loss already. I was beginning to see our evening through the surreal an unreliable Lens. Of retrospect most of us think about love is something that happens to us we fall. We get crushed but what I like about. This study is how it assumes that love is an action at assumes that what matters to my partner matters to me because we have at least three things in common because we have close relationships with our mothers and because he let me look at him. I wondered what would come of our interaction if nothing else. I thought it would make a good story but I see now that the story isn't about us it's about what it means to bother to know someone which is really story about what it means to be known. It's true you can't choose. Who loves you? Although I've spent years hoping otherwise and you can't create romantic feelings based on convenience alone. Science tells US biology matters are fair. Moans and hormones do a lot of work behind the scenes but despite all this I've begun to think love is a more pliable thing than we make it out to be Arthur. Aaron Study taught me that it's possible simple even to generate trust and intimacy. The feelings love needs to thrive. You're probably wondering if he and I fell in love. Well we did. Although it's hard to credit the study entirely gave us away into a relationship that feels deliberate. We spent weeks in the intimate space recreated that night leading to see what it could become. Love didn't happen to us. We're in love because we each made the choice to be Gillian. Jacobs reading Mandy Len Caltrans Essay. To Fall in love with anyone do this. Gillian told US afterwards why she chose this story. I have an increasing interest in science which is taken me by surprise and so I thought that this essay gave an interesting insight into the biological and scientific reasons behind love and is also kind of squash squarely romantic the same time. Romantic for sure especially the looking into each other's is four minutes part but is Mandy still in love with this guy. We'll find out after the break. Modern love is sponsored by policy changes. 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You can find your best price and apply at policy. Genius DOT COM policy. Genius will always get the future wrong that our life insurance right from you are and read it. Endless thread is back with a new special series about a real conspiracy involving Dr Montreal. Lsp and the CIA. They saw him confessing and they thought somebody else is controlling. This guy's mind madness the secret mission for mind control and the people who paid the price subscribe to endless thread on apple podcasts. Or wherever you listen we're back. It's modern love the podcast I- Meghna Chakrabarti and now a postscript the editor of modern love for The New York Times Daniel Jones and the author of this week's Essay Mandolin Katrin. You know I was very nervous in the week before the piece was published and I actually stayed up super late one night. Googling other people who had had articles published in modern love and what the reception had been and I remember the next day. Saying to my partner. All I want is just like not have to go in and today's show and then the piece came out and suddenly like I think within an hour my sister was texting me and saying people who don't even know you're sharing this on facebook and then literally the next morning the today show called. It's like Oh now if someone were to ask. What is the most fun I've ever had in publishing a modern love essay? It would have to be this one mandolin. Caltrans essay sort of blew the doors off the column when it came out and went viral away that nothing in modern love had done to that extent and that really few stories published anywhere ever do it led to an episode of the Big Bang Theory where the characters in the Sitcom. We're asking each other the questions. It led to several documentaries where people were summoned to warehouses and and paired up and filmed exchanging the questions. I wish I had statistics on couples that have resulted from it. But I know of at least a few that where the people contacted me directly and not long after the the essay came out Mandy herself and her relatively new boyfriend were out having pizza and her boyfriend tight something onto his phone and slid it across to her and it said the people next to us are doing the thirty six questions and she looked up and looked over and listened and sure enough in their own pizza parlor. They didn't pirate this couple of do that. Thirty six questions so it was. It was just sort of steamroller It went worldwide so I think one of the important things to keep in mind about the thirty six questions is that actually. They've been used in a lot of different research and really interesting research. That has nothing to do with romantic love at all. So when are there Erin? I published these. He just wanted to see if he could create a sense of closeness between two strangers over the course of ninety minutes. I didn't think about it as like a life changing experience and I didn't think. Oh my God we're GonNa Fall in love now. You know I just thought like wow. That was fun and it was meaningful like it. It felt like a really great way to get to know someone quickly and I felt like we were really close and that we would continue to stay close and I had no idea what form that intimacy would take whether we would be really good friends or whether we would start a romantic relationship. It wasn't like we just fell in love over the course of the evening. We've really actually just developed a really intimate friendship and actually the relationship became more serious and more romantic about three months later. We are still together which I know people are dying to know. I almost feel like the fact that we're still together kind of cells. The power of the thirty six questions because I think people want it to be this guarantee that you can fall in love and find this life partner in that you're going to be really happy together and so far that has been my experience but to me like the real value of these questions is not as a tool to fall in love but actually just a way to find intimacy with someone because I think ultimately like we all just want to be known in to fall in love. Obviously you need to make yourself vulnerable to the other person and the brilliance of this approach is how it gives you sort of a game to play and everybody wants to try it except me. I to say I have not done this with my wife yet to To Fall in love again or whatever to get to know each other better but I have heard a lot of Married couples not married that long or married decades. Who did these questions? And they said that these were never things they have discussed in twenty five years of marriage so that was this really sort of refreshing side effect to this essay is how you can use them on someone who you know who you've been with a long time even though you may not know them as deeply as you think thanks to modern love editor. Daniel Jones and Mandolin Katrin author of to fall in love with anyone do this. She's also the author of a collection of essays. Called how to fall in love with anyone special. Thanks to Gillian. Jacobs for Reading Mandy Story. She's best known for her roles in the Netflix series love. Hbo's girls and NBC's community and just a reminder that you can find the link to the thirty six questions at our website wbz dot org slash modern love. And if you try them or if you've ever done them before send us a voice memo telling us about your experience. Send to modern love at W. R. Dot Org. It might be included in a future episode. Modern lab is a production of the New York Times and. Wb You are Boston's NPR station. It's produced directed and edited by Caitlyn. O'keefe this episode was originally produced by Azari Iverson original scoring and sound design by Matt. Read Irish executive producer. We're edited by Catherine Brewer. Daniel Jones is the editor of modern love for the New York Times and adviser to the show. The idea for the modern love. Podcast was conceived by Lisa. Tobin additional thanks to mealy Julius Simon and Anya Stresemann at the New York Times and Paul Kahlo at Wvu are additional music of a PM. Meghna Chakrabarti. See you next week from. Wvu are and read it. Endless thread is back with a new special series about a real conspiracy involving LSD. A doctor in Montreal and the CIA people have a hard time grasping the reality of this madness. They saw him confessing and they thought somebody else is controlling. This guy's mine a story in five parts about the secret mission for mind control and the people who paid the price like deprivation shock treatment a listener genyk. Dragons came home with shadow. Shell of a man Everyone to know that I went through hell subscribed endless. Read on Apple podcasts. Or wherever you listen.