The Thing


<music> welcome to Giles Coren has no idea it's cool this not because I literally no nothing but because it's all about the moment in the week when I have to sit down and write my column but have absolutely no idea what to write a devout which is where my wife Esther comes in who having read all all the papers whilst I take the kids to school always has half a dozen ideas picked out me when I get back to be disgusted the kitchen table of Rin Nice Cup of coffee. Do you have running water here I could see where do we start. It's been this week. Even though silly season I was taking the kids to swimming morning and on the radio on the way back there was that story about the ten hottest years ever have been since two thousand ten hottest today's been since two thousand and two and the ten hottest winter days also say oh well. Maybe it's just it's okay and you think about it for a few minutes and he puts it away when you try and think of something funny to write about because there's nothing funny about the end of the world and then and then those times and there's a funny thing about the Quentin Tarantino movie and there's who look you need video referees now for jousting imagine the comic applications funny already all these things and there's a lovely picture Boris Johnson on some chickens and then I turned to very evident it says Greenland faces I smelt disaster and there's a picture of a Lakewood lots of broken bits of ice and there aren't actually any drowning polevault but there could be and every time I see that I have to go bright. It's not funny. Well Your Climate Change Eko depression which I think is now. Possibly I recognized bridge four where they were twenty investigating whether it was a recognizable thing obviously it sounds quite snowflake. It sounds quite sort of millennial legno the ultimate non snowflake on hell stone that has to be a Beta of snowflakes and kind of old fashioned they need they knew the we yeah so the deck of very depressing when we met you depress about climate. How's that being of eleven years? It wasn't even bad little. Did I know eleven years of non death it was you were you got very depressed about climate change when when we met you really did and you you you had you going on about how we should live like it was nineteen forty and everyone should yeah. It was really annoying doing so climate change but I'm really very original in it's not bad it's just that you have been concerned and worried about it. There's nothing you can do and I and or you can do little bits and then I think I'll just vegan day. Yesterday I ate a which involves going into a restaurant and saying even though it spelt fo I know I'm Michigan into carrots and dicon down the road and there's all these millennials and number of Vietnamese millennials so you can't willfully pronounce wrong. You'd like you can have exactly or Ryota Ryota Algerian someone that Doris Alarm Gosselin give it wings seems like the only the other day I went into restaurants in due to pizza. Do you thank you that's what I really wanted was much and to be corrected by some mid late. Anyway I said a and then my you could have like a Vegan Tofu based one and go ahead of that anyway so I was doing Mondays. I didn't have the delicious beef with chicken. One eight full enough as you're GONNA suddenly we'll get cold again because I had a night but but I guess guess you'll Kiko things iphone slutty irritating because we all have to deal with it and you just use it to push it in front of my face quite lonely. I find it quite annoying but you all bright that we all need to do something talk. I do not talk about it no you shouldn't you shouldn't listen. I'm trying to be emotionally like thing. I'm I'm just standing. I'm not saying stop. I'm just saying this is how affect it's my meat. I find it irritating and I find irritating because I don't want to think about it because it's the end of the world. That's not very nice feeling you consider it inconvenience. Oh don't go down that road the time for that but the the wall I mean is that because you when things both of you personally. You won't go telling it'll be fine. It's not all going to be fine. How can I tell you that that's what we do? You know you just like my mom in the eye which is not necessarily a bad thing I in one thousand nine hundred eighty two eighty three when I was an and I was just young and I didn't even know about nuclear things and I was coming home from swimming walking. I'm sitting with Nicholas Potter and he said why current because we were private school or at Corran what's what are you most scared of in the world and I said sharks obviously and he I said what about you you said global thermonuclear Armageddon and literally my childhood ended that day when he explained what it was and then there was this Q._e.. Deep before you were born on roughly when you talk about the copper dome of pulled will vaporize right and then five miles out your eyeballs will melt in ten miles out he'd be killed by blades thousand miles an hour basing your every organ and I and I didn't sleep when I was fourteen. I didn't say for year worrying about that. My mom would just come in to me briefly before going out for dinner and say it's going to be on the chip no point worrying about something. You can't affect night night off you go and she was thinking about her Manhattan Manhattan. Is The e anyway look. This is Johnny podcast about funny things in the news and the end of life as we know it because you're a man you just want to do something he wanted like you want to deck. Take Action to make yourself feel better and you don't just want to go. Oh well. We can only do what we can you kind of effect some sort of change and one of the ways that you do do that and makes you feel better about stuff like climate change is by writing about it but you've done that last week so you can't this week so we're going to have to move on and talk about something else. Gay lifted listed fifty funny things things about socks an actual total distract everyone from the blame Olov again it shall we talk about Meghan Markle's forces for change or Lem Meghan Meghan has edited the September issue of Vogue. which is we all know is the most important issue of Oak via because September is the January Mary fashion as we all know? You didn't have that because you feel cool September issue yes I know and also when you say Megan has edited it. That's like when when Lily Allen ended the today programme Grossberg edits November Meghan markle in fact that will be a whole week. Listen listen concentrate Meghan markle has guest edited the September issue folk and on the front cover. She has put a <hes> sixteen women <hes> and everyone has assumed that their feminist icons but then not not let forces for change for an Oscar chain feminist feminists are really right wing or white affiliates one of them is Katie Hopkins one of them McQueen one of them <hes> you've hit on a sore point. The Queen is not one of them not one of the sixteen icons for change neither as Hillary Clinton although some people think she's a body Maddie. She's not one what about the Little Mermaid the black one the new one. I think that's real people which is a shame because I had my own forces for change list. Why would you need one because I thought I could inspire you to do your own forces for Meghan? One of the ones of mine is making one of the ones on the front. She wouldn't be on the front because she said it would be boastful which lots of people people who don't like Megan and do like Kate because people love a row and think that having a row but I didn't know having said that she it wasn't going to appear in a photograph or in a shoot anywhere in this feature the sisterhood exactly so she's going to yeah. She said it would have been boastful. Everyone thinks toby route because kate has appeared in vote and Diana presenter she has. I mean in terms of P._R.. Disaster I think everyone's a bit hard or Meghan laws but like mainly she's trying the best but reading about animals or giggling I mean she has nosed it like beyond beyond also kind of beyond parody as well so she she was cool forces for change and I thought it might be funny for you to do your forces for change. Your sixteen forces forces my forces for changing back back. He's act so I'm really reactionary me person but it would be funny to do it if I can. I can I give you some of mindfulness to Jay Walkers forces to change well. You might not all of mine rail women that you really admire yes. You couldn't find sixteen real ones all women. You basically hate all other women so you've had to have made up once I one of them some of them all of them so my first one is of course Miss Piggy Gate this mistake people will think that you get paid to pound every time you say miss. PIGGY is picky was the headline of the I like it when the headline of this podcast comes from one of my jokes bend the producer you next week. It said Miss Piggy for P._M.. And it was one line it wasn't relevant to into the hold of this podcast and anyway. It was very funny. Miss Piggy piggy is one of my forces for change slash slash feminist icons because he was actually very ahead of her time. She's in a mixed race marriage with Martin even more interesting because she's a pig always no oh relationship yeah but she totally wears metaphorical trousers was he never see her legs unless when they do that one of those things where this over wall to make Eli she's got legs but she hasn't gone legs and she was sort of you know she was political. Semi violent she knew her own mind and she wasn't as opposed to begins. Once netjets Christy Turlington is one of them boring model from the ninety s anyone else who else is one of the obvious and then there is commander in Gaza Permits Dietrich Salma Hayek just and you would like to instead of them have miss piggy piggy and weight of the law okay. Let me tell you why because phoebe finally she's a fashion designer. She's not Freebie. It's comeback ratbags that thing that women wash which meant pretend to light which men were this is what a feminist looks like Nick Clegg memorials and sit down and watch US spag. I got man going to do this is about fleet but it's because you're not the demographic all watch the web loves it. He's I think he's the anyone else switching switching to open the minute with us about okay phoebe final not phoebe phoebe follow made trainers invented pastry that we on fettuccine she didn't she made trainers and flat shoes properly fashionable. My third one is Hannibal Encarta of course of course she's the greatest person ever to have lived ever ever. Does whatever the F. She wants has like a young handsome boyfriend didn't bother living in the same house husband Eve e Pollard first emerged from national newspaper and Martina Navratilova my forces for change and really awful subject. I'm trying to inspire down. They can't Rocky Rocky Cape by rookie to Bra because no man's breakfast that because it's not about how hard you can hit. It's about how you can get hit and keep going forward. How does that change there? That's just like Boston changing yourself for the better man. That's just ending up. We'll take no shit who well. He's my icon bright icon. How is he a force change because he made me do the press and get quite bulky and have quietly by six? Which admitted you like I'm married carried lodge because it's so funny? Oh you mean like actually do it. Gradually become idea there are ways my forces for change was rookie that might rocky because because and then not too rocky too because in rocketed that's actually another change be h his wife because she's a force for change because when she's GonNa come out of a coma and she has gives birth to rookie junior his mother icon for change from three junior she countries in this coma and before he went into the coma she rookie don't take the match rock because he will kill you the debt inside three rounds. Actually that's what Mickey says to him in rookie three when he goes to fight Mr not and clubber Lang is called in so she goes three. Don't fight it fight him. I taught to fight him. I got him. I could win the distance but now I know I can do it and then unfortunately then she gives birth and she goes into a coma and they can't speak so rocky decides not to take the fight and I'm going to cry. Try Now but I'm GONNA try and come coming around just coming around and the all go into the room rookie including his trainer Mickey goes into the room and his wife had just come and they're sitting there She opens up a tiny terrorized by the actress and and Raucous Holding Hands got and she says and he says I I ain't going to do the match. It ain't going to stay with junior. I ain't GonNa do it and and aging goes rocky do one thing for me inch anything of what is it. What is it she closed conclusion. She beckons him in and she goes win. Bob Waiting before that because of copyright home. It's a bit like and company in so maybe anyway force for change other. Should I do that. I've got better ideas and that have you wait. Wait wait Geico some more disbelief what let's stay with the royals yeah why not so they say they're only going to have to kids for environmental mental reasons and was it. I think it was Harry Harry. Oh make I know we can't quite get Harry said interval interviewing that guerrilla woman Django he said in his interview yet. You should only have cable. He's only going to have to kids for environmental reasons and yeah I mean it's not really why would have more respect to that if he'd said it before. They had the one child because what happens is you just. I'm going to have three four five nine. Children massive brewed and they're going to tumble around in a really wonderful way and and then you have one and you go oh my God. I can't do that so you just think they're just shooting themselves having a baby and he's thinking. I've had sex with my wife now. Folk due to the mental mental does seem to work his way into every show for some reason and they can't they why and no I think they've had they had one child and they've gone. We can't we can do this. Maybe once more but definitely not three times and then they're gone. How can we turn this to our P._r.. Advantage advantage. Let's say who let's say. We don't have any because we do get. Let's not having third because of vaguely had this one. They've had his boy or girl alive. She it anyway yea yeah out of a cocker name writing breath they. How does he fourteen. It's not national saying. I don't want to have another one unless it's a girl because because girls and boys have spoiled the world it. I'm sure she sits. She's a feminist icon. She's what is it called them from front of Jane Change. We're going to have to Middle Belinda. I know I I think it's also probably a bullshit attack on the what I've read this on wills and Kate who've got well how many think about six three knowing well. I'm Beverley three but they think she's going to end up on this and so they just a massive data yet another. I mean look if you were over kind of tate and Meghan having a catfight thing I mean it does seem a little bit thing doesn't it third and I'm looking to being done because it's both fall firstly in the carpenters doug and also going to discuss the children like that because the world's going to end and they weren't being up Joyce Anusha she without the greatest in the world. She's thirty seven if you had when she was thirty eight she'd be into her forties meant. You had the next one. It does get less easy. It's not your I mean your recently thirty nine. Yeah I still want more. That's yeah I thought God because you came from. I can just me and my sister obviously it was me Victoria Coren jars corn. My parents thought that's enough of that but in but in your family is quite nice kind of straightforward happy go lucky kids came out they had four four and I thought you came from that and it was fund and there was all the kind of tensions that would dilute and instead of like my sister me but we love each other. We hated toby hate each other. You always say things like my sister's really pissing me off and I go which one one and it just seemed to be nice that we'd have more. We had to and it stopped. Maybe what we could either have another child. We could stay married. Sorry but that's the truth you don't know what mortals and go play the field and I can get every groucho every other weekend and uh-huh fundraise why we haven't got them stupid car. You have to put in. They lifted an next time from there with Jay type whatever it was so they couldn't none of that. You've gotTa get if you have a third child. You've got a Renault Twingo. Whatever that cool is that chocolate bar gusting color because you can't afford it to have a normal but it would still be stupid Renault scenic or something which would be so you have to we have to get a crap car. Packets of things tend to come in even numbers which is a major cause of thing when I was. I was thing too much quite charming but you've said about four times so far thing now you have. Did you say it's all a bit thing and you've just said it's coming thing and it's a little bit thing and I sort of slide to know what you mean. I'm I'm offering articulacy because it means those of us with some sort of handle on the lexicon. Get a little bit of an advantage but does that mean. Something's better than a double bird. which is what I want to flip? Double brackets and things are a bit thin packets of tickets perfect dimsum which come in threes knowingly. Thank you for being there. He's golfing going off picking of the Sleep Dawson. What's her mouth fucking dress. Now you want and you tell us to stop a new what half a Jersey your nose so I was little but I'm just saying the golfing in the dimsum they can bring three and you have to cut it off at chopsticks six and it doesn't really work because he's told you before but he's everyone that's the thing millennial with a girlfriend boyfriend and then you and then you have these three dumping and you Juanita and then you've got half of one and it's really nice the Hawk cow or something like that with assume I just to show the handle on these words and and then you have to offer to trump's the boyfriend goes on the greedy in could grow up the third one into the kind of teenage of the place four four nights all the time. There's no profit to come from that. Is there no rant went went went or is that a yes because that brings us into the kid went four nine with my second in the world championships every made a billion a million dollars which is only twenty nine pounds and then so what do you think do. It's six hundred thousand dollars. It's money the pounds because the pound is Fox now. If you look you will find. It's probably nine hundred thousand pounds now at this day right. I'm looking googling giggling yeah I am. I haven't three how many how many years angle won't teach how many series million this is the kind. Find if they are dealing with. How much did they pay that stunning. I think full thousand pounds four hundred pounds good haggling excellent. I'm just feeling some airtime while you count the Zeros and how many pounds million dollars impounds shit yeah you're wrong fine move on they can cut it or leave it in where I proved to be rising eight hundred twenty. One thousand compound thing pounds you history. We started in the pathetic fallacy. The rain is sounded has started to prove that God sandwiches cricket. All parents must be utterly okay. We're not that I can say. All parents fears about this child having one I think I think you'll find that ben is really good at is making us cheaper pocus care something of a head of the broadcasting industry if you if you film something record something for mostly no rain and then it stops it just and then if he wants to take one of my excellent ocean earlier and sewing it into the rainy part of the Broncos the way Ben probably rainmaking machine that goes and then you can you can. You can sorry what we say. I'm going to having such a good time dining. There is a scary story again. I'm sensing a patented. I is I mean you talk about. What are you saying that this is quite like like. Harrison is the same way like you won't Miss Piggy. Yes but it's not sexual you're saying is this coincidence. It's the weekly Kerry Simon Slot consignments how we can make a decision Simon Bill Simmons. Let's say both Simon Son Kerry Kerry assignment square apples apples. We'll have friends school now. Don't linked busy. Yes apple things like that and then you don't know the origins of the prime minister but you know what the nickname of gopher out perfect nickname name is apple's. Why do we if we have a special jingle? That would play now. Carry the assignments on the story of the week. We Okay Simon Story and this week that she's moving into number. Ten is the thing and the question. Is You know she's the first girlfriend has moved in before he's still married to marina who lives in the big house and she's meeting effectively number ten then you have to call it harvesting. It's the flat above number eleven. It's the thing and and I wanted whether it's the best thing I know that you for example field. That is the place of work as well that US living together in our place of work all day and all night underwear for you does it in recent days. You have called for space. You have you look at me there. You go for just going to go out and Y eventually eventually go out well. I think I think I was living here and US both working in rooms next door to each other. I think we do very well. Not You stab each other's death breath. I think she I think there was an argument is not in the same house as far that went well heliborne. Tim Tim Button that went well for a long time and Tim Berne that street and heliborne see my previous round is the perfect woman does wrong and if she thought that's how it was gonna work then that's that's how it's GonNa work. There are those who live up I do. I think I think I think he misunderstand me. I think he may be willfully. Misunderstand me. I'm not saying that I think we should and live in different houses because I love living with living with your really really easy and really nice living. I really like living with you living with you and working. I can't justify going out scouting office so auden enough money but you can anybody understand why you go out and give it a listening now on their commute to work telling me to move out you awesome pack my bags and that's fine but when the other night I went to sleep with the children in the attic because there was air conditioning yeah and also to give you a bit of space and I wouldn't get this thing around the plateau snow. There was snow. I went in and then the next day. You told me that I had to come and sleep in bed with you. When you actually to leave if I thought it was basically sort of preparation like like you. Were thinking about going well. I thought sometimes sometimes I just think he actually just going to go brought a bit of a free some of need into a relationship that you were you literally asked me to be in the same room with you for the first time in years I mean I've got the wrong into the steak and it was just sleeping but you at least the fact that you asked me to come back to the bedroom made me think of of my grandparents lived in separate bedrooms. That's the thing that people don't really do any more space for bedrooms and then when you come together in the bedroom together you really mean it. Okay is is this up as Boris carries life going to basically go to shit and other living to go. Well doesn't everyone's exactly I look. I mean that's not the advice I would give her but I mean if she did want some advice. My phone number is easily. Would you advise to move into number ten. I would not I would say. Don't move in stand your plan. Although I think it's probably more security content her flat because the security would be just too much of a nightmare and she might as well be there and it's cheaper. She's there because she has to have earned detail and stuff so it probably is possibly saving the taxpayers money when the she can't storm out. They're going to have these rows. The relationship has to be kept going now because she lives there but people relationships going for all sorts of reasons. We keep related. I mean the only reason we're not voices because neither of us for tax reasons from the One and second neither of us is seriously thought about divorce at the same time otherwise it will be over that thought about in consecutively but not yeah either issue have dateline goes. You've thought about you slide. Wouldn't it be tragic if suddenly was hit my car and it was just me and the kids have weighed the tragedy of the moment against the possibility of being he's still present data looking at the thing that happens happens it happens is they have to deal with Sam by myself and my God no carrying Boris. I think well look I mean but but anyway wherever have you gotten your complete them you mean by Christ Simmons because I think maybe like she probably reads my blog. Maybe we friends one day. That'd be cool. Wouldn't it have a little google her bodyguard see what she's packing. No no no no no you've been listening to Giles. Coren has no idea with Giles coren Desta Walker. It's a tons podcast produced by Ben Mitchell. Subscribe wherever you get your podcast to avoid ever missing an episode and if you want to find out what I wrote about in the end is linked to my call him in the podcast description.

Coming up next