16. You can't please them all so stop trying
This is my accountability partner. Podcasts ladies were putting you in control to reach your goals it just might be the swift kick you need. I'm your host Nicole banks and your accountability partner feel free to check out Nicole. Banks DOT COM. That's Nicole with an H and welcome to the show. Good Morning. Good Morning. Happy Monday folks. Well not only. Is it Monday? It's march new Monday. Newmont here we go here. We go I know right. It is the third month of twelve. Are you ready for it? It you get thirty one days speaking of thirty one days degen love leap year. Yeah I know remember when you we say the thing like. Hey I'd give anything for another day. Give me another twenty four hours. Well you got it. Would you do with it will? I ended up going hiking and it felt amazing to be outdoors again. Listen I have been so sick with the flu. It has been a very very long. Two weeks of being sick is just gross. Not The corona virus. I promise I would've asked for lime but I myself had the flu. I had the body aches. I had the cough from Hell. I had a knows that. Drop more fluids than this body has ever produced so I said yes. I was very very sick so no Friday. Follow up shows for the last two weeks. I hope you still rocked your Monday. Challenges Though Did you all right? I'm glad you're here. I am your host Nicole. Banks and your accountability partner. Today's subject is a people pleaser. People please him yet. Can't please them all so. Please stop trying. Be sure to stay tuned putting yourself first. Twenty one day challenge. It's here it's here. I have been running and teaching live challenges since December two thousand fifteen. I am so thrilled. You no longer have to live in my town to participate. I'm announcing to you. All that you have access and can take the twenty one day quitting yourself. I CHALLENGE HEAD TO NICOLE BANKS DOT COM and join us. Learn to give yourself permission. Sometimes the hardest decision we make are the best ones for us. We repeat what we don't heal. Why not put yourself first today? You're going to love feeling like yourself again. This challenge is topped with worksheets. Video stories we bring laughter Discovery Awareness and positive outcomes. I am here to help you along the way that's right. You're not doing this alone. I'm so proud of you for taking the step at putting yourself first head to Nicole. Banks DOT COM. The question today is simply. Why do you think it's hard to break free from being a people pleaser? I know it's a good one right. So many of us are people pleasers. I feel like one reason is because we were brought up that way. We were brought up to please. I mean I can remember giving complete strangers hugs and kisses when I was smaller. Because my mom told me to and then I would look at her and she is like you know got that. I'm so pleased. Look in her eyes as I hugged a complete stranger. Why do you think it is that? It's hard to break free from being a people pleaser as adults. See The difference between us when we were child is simply. We didn't know any better right. You know what I'm saying. We literally just did as we were told for the majority of us. That's what we did anyway. But what's the point? The difference is yes. We know the difference today. So why is it so hard for us to break free from being a people pleaser as an adult? Maybe one reason is because we don't want to have that confrontation. Maybe we want to avoid that. Confrontation at that person is displeased and gets upset. Oh no no we have fear of that confrontation right or that judgment That could be another one. Gosh if I don't go along with everybody else I truly could be judged. We have a huge fear of judgment. Stay tuned that's going to be up and coming episode. I promise I also to that as an adult when we think about people pleasing somehow somewhere we feel needed wanted. Some comes to us every single week and says hey can you do? This is like Oh my God I feel important. I feel needed. I feel wanted and of course we say yes because we want to feel important wanted and needed. I totally agree with you. What about that sane? Those who shall give shall receive Now there's a food for thought. Only if giving is coming from your own heart should it really be given so? I give my time each week to a local meet up group. I organized. It's because I want to. I love it I feed off of it I see the ripple effect and that really is something that's close to. My heart is seeing other women. Being able to take time to put themselves. I go out. Connect with Mother Nature find balanced. Get grounded make some amazing connections be positive. Be around positive people. You know it's because I love it. It really is coming from a passion of mine but also understand that I do know that I have over eight hundred women as members. Keep in mind when someone is sending me a dam or a message saying. Why can't we do this or why can't we do that? Then I know too that listen. I can't please everybody a hundred percent of the time and I literally literally would be a mad woman Fifty one fifty Logo a coup Wackadoo because it would drive me nuts running around trying to please everyone. Yeah so as someone saying hey. Can we do this or can we do that? I will put it back into their lap. That's a great idea. I love it and I'm sure other members would to would you mind hosting that. Give me all the details in the Information. I would love for you to host that. That's how I squash it as some of these women have some great ideas and yeah some of them. I put up because it happens to follow law with my schedule but if I can't put it in because it does belong to my schedule that I'm putting it back into their lap. Love the idea. I'm not able to other members would love to go for it. I just know that you know. We can't please a hundred percent of the time to one hundred percent of the people. We would literally go crazy. I WanNa give you some tips to practice this week and once you could end up mass terrain and it will give you some breathing room. It'll give you some freedom because reality is you've got to put yourself first and that's exactly what happens when we're people pleasers. We put everyone else. First that's right. We get lost. We lose ourselves. We actually lose ourselves. We don't recognize who we've become. And that's why I'm so excited about my upcoming twenty one day putting yourself first challenge and I hope you're just as excited as I am. Oh my gosh. It's going to be so awesome. Okay and so now for those tips number one be self aware. I know the greatest changes begin when we look at ourselves with interest and respect instead of judgment and denial. We WanNa really invite our thoughts and feelings into awareness. We have the opportunity to learn from them instead of unconsciously acting to them and we increase our own awareness of reality by being willing to encounter our personal truce. I know that was a lot right but when I did this it gave me a better handle on my impulse to please allow me to notice. When I wasn't being helpful. It gave me a choice to make different moves. Here's a really good meter of win. This people pleasing is happening. Okay safer example. You and your friend meet every Saturday afternoon for coffee and this has been going on for three months now each Saturday you say in your head man. I wish we could go elsewhere. Why don't we go elsewhere? Well it's because you say to yourself a bed. He likes it here. And it's close to where betty lives and she's a huge coffee drinker. It's that little tiny voice in your head saying Damn. I wish I wish we could. I wish I could. Yeah that's it. That's the alarm. That's the alarm bell going off saying. Come on say something. You're putting your pleasing pants on and heading off to some coffee shop. See where I'm going with that? That's the meter. You need to be aware of pay attention to it. If that alarm is going off it's time to say Hey Betty. I was thinking we could switch it up. Some how about next week we go to X Y and Z. It's closer to my side of town and see what she says. Now listen if Betty says no then you say okay well. I'm not able to come your side of town. Every week was really hoping we can meet in the middle somewhere. Shut up and wait for her response. Which leads me into tip number to realize that doing too much hurts rather than helps relationships now. I personally had to learn that. The health of my relationships depended on my willingness to take care of my share. Ed Be true to myself. I learned that when you do too much for others you over function in your relationships which leads others to the opposite under function though. Our intentions are always good right. We have such a kind heart. They ultimately hinder the overall effectiveness of our relationship. Listen I am not a relationship expert but I have subban nominal relationships. I've also had to cut ties with toxic relationships and healthy relationships once at cross my boundaries. Ones that once I set my boundaries up looked at me. And who do you think you are? Well those are the people that are no longer my life because it is not worth the exhaustion. I wore myself out. I was whipped right so understanding. GotTa recheck your relationship if you have one with a GAL named Betty. That isn't willing to compromise. No joke right. Listen she has got to be able to compromise. It's a fifty fifty. It needs to be in. If it's not your beating yourself up for absolutely no reason and I'm going to say something to you. Betty doesn't care. Betty doesn't give a shit on what you think of her. That's a hard pill to swallow. Because you think betty such a nice person but the reality is she is so self centered. She's not willing to take on opportunities of changing. Cut those ties be about it but before you do that. Have that conversation. Maybe I've missed judge Betty and she is awesome friend. But you need to be able to have the conversation to set those boundaries. Okay as we know that's an example but we can take it to the extremes because it's necessary so many people pleasing scenarios out there just using one we can all relate to okay so that brings me to number three realized that avoiding problems doesn't promote growth what problems arise in our lives. We tend to react by immediately trying to get rid of them. You know shoveled under the carpet and then the feelings they bring because no one wants to deal with emotions right but learning to let go when we discover that are true. Friends are the ones that give back in the relationship. The ones that are willing to meet or heading across town to meet up with you. Those are the relationships we are needing to be willing to let go remember what we allow is. What will continue a Oh. That's so good. I'm going to repeat it. What we allow is what will continue. Ooh That was good. Uh number four learned self acceptance self accepted is an ever evolving and it's up to each of us to get that process in motion. Once I learned and accepted my worth. I was able to start taking on the project of becoming my best. Self your challenge. This week is to really notice number one if you are a people pleaser I know some of the year like I already know I am I am I am I am but your hand down K I got you. I know that there's a lot of people. Pleasers out there shaking their heads said yes Nicole. That's me that's me. That's me so if you've identified with that recognize announce it. I am a people pleaser number. Two your this week is to really notice if your the one not giving in the relationship. Oh my gosh I know. Listen to what I'm saying. So there's a lot of people that are like well. I don't think I'm a people pleaser but I'm not willing to give the relationship either. This is a tough one for you guys. Half of my audience are people pleasers. The other half are the opposite. It's a tug of war here. We go I just want you to recognize that if you know that you're taking advantage of a friendship or relationship ask yourself. Why if you're a people pleaser? Ask yourself why I want you to speak at this week. It's about having a conversation. It's about talking about using your voice to see if that person is willing to meet you in the middle if not then it's time to reexamine the relationship tough one. This week I know I know I believe in you though letting go of a toxic relationship is guess what here we go. For Reason. It's Frene. It feels good. We all WANNA be loved. We WanNA fill important. We WanNA fill needed. Yes but when you're giving ninety percent of the relationship Time to let go my friends time to let go. Okay here we go of course would always love to hear about what your thoughts are. Today's episode we talked about people pleasing how to be able to change that. It is a change and sometimes we've beard change but you know what I'm a believer in you and I know you can do it. I'm on your side. You could do that by going to Nicole. Banks DOT COM under the PODCAST. Paid holding people. Accountable is love and when I'm holding you accountable I am saying you are capable of a bigger game. I'm your host Nicole banks until Friday. Have a great week.