Ep. 50 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer


What if they said, hey, current celebrities. If we amputate your tail right now, we'll never ask any questions your past how many recurrent celebrities lose their piggy zone like a pool of towns. Like an Olympic sized pool. percent. This episode of two bears one cave is brought to you by site. Absolute favorite mattress that I could ever wish for in this whole world they have so much to offer you. If you go to Saad Dot, com S. A. T. V. A. dot com slash the shit that's the URL, the shit, and it's because I think everything they make is the shit. You can get two hundred, twenty, five dollars off your purchase of a great Saba mattress product, they have luxury quality. You'd find in a five star hotel. You can get a memory foam mattress from their line called loom and leave. You can get the the movable mattress called. So layer all there at Saad dot com slash the shit. Incredible product incredible, customer. Service. I absolutely love sleeping on. We've had them all and I encourage you to treat yourself and sleep comfortably sleep better feel better by getting a great night's sleep SAT SA TV dot com slash the shit start with that two hundred and twenty five dollars off the best mattress just text from a dominatrix with a dominatrix. On. Message. This one that you've dealt with. Before. Yup this is mistress is Abella. she tortured me. Pretty, fucking smoking to pull up, pull up I. Think Better on the show we have. And so. What she say. I just checked to see if that was still a number and she said. She said that is a Google number on another thing and as Clare Gwen media down. That's not her gwen media lables some choir sinclair. Let's see what kind of. Do you ever think. Is. There something sexual that you could get into that you have the media page? Yeah. There we go. Squirrel here Oh. Yeah. Let me hear Talk Oh. She's got a pretty aggressive stagger. I'm kidding. Okay. I don't think the media I don't think it's coming into us. Stays on June sixteenth. So let me send a message to your husband. Your father or even your daddy and let them know you appreciate them. June sixteenth father's Day. That wasn't actually as I thought it be neither but. I cameo shoutout to lucky slave and the next one could be for you. So Samir request and I'll customize some. Let's see what kind of torture devices is there is there something sexually that you've never tried that you're always kind of curious about the I mean you know what I would love to have to do to you. So we're. we're doing the. The the live show. Will. Here's the thing I wanna hit you like a cattle prod. They've got you know Marilyn. Manson, just got in trouble for using it. Now it's called the violent wand type in violent wand how he almost got cancelled by the girl he dated Rachel. Atoms. Debate Rachel Adams Rachel Evans. There we go. Violent want whereas that's it. Yeah. What am I looking at it you up? Really. Yeah. Like. Oh you know what? We your? Yeah. Get that. Get that. Get that. Let's see here. A beginner's guide. Is. It does it say. Shop Yeah. So let's get these. Violet want Oh it's a violet not violent of real. Yeah. Get hung up on details yeah. Wait. So go back up to the violet. Wand. Isn't that one right there hey, why even get why even spend money on a on a dominatrix when we just do this to each other This is a great idea tom get. Let's get order the violet wand. Kit Okay by one. Okay. So we can what we can do. We can each get violent ones and wear no pants on this right? We're no pants but truth or dare, and then if you if you lie if you don't want to answer, you can put it in your astle. Violent. Ones Yeah. Okay order that okay violet. Wand. Get a good one. well, this the live shows really turning out to be crazier than I thought. Yeah. This is because I was down with booze and we'd and possibly SNORT ables. But The idea of. Using, sex toys on each other was something I didn't plan for we're technically planning a gay porn That's pretty cool that you guys want to watch com. October fifteenth. We did come challenge. What's the Cu- tounge where you can't tell like. It's almost like. You probably play me and my girlfriend mustard hands. You've told me about mustard hands is you take mustard? You put it. Under the table You then either scored in your hands or you don't and then pass it around and it goes all the way round. Then muster goes back up top and then you rub your hands together and you have to guess at the person that mustard on their hands. And so it's like. You're just a way to piss off Lianne because we're like I was GONNA say definitely does it Georgia definitely does it? I definitely. Do it never does yet but if Leeann does it then we lose our shit laughing because she never does it. So she's done at once and everyone's like no fucking way but we do this with me and you. What we do is We either fake Jack Offer Real Jack Off. Right dude. I'll really jack off and and then you see us go. Okay. Did I really orgasm or did I fake it? We gotTA guess. Okay, we is it your orgasm fe now he's just like thinking about So way do we come into a bag or something? Ziplock, bag. I don't know I don't I. Think I think you'd hear that Oh. Yeah. You probably would. Yeah. Do we also this is a pretty bad idea. Yeah. The sounds pretty but you're walking me down considering that we have like legit careers. That were jerking off on. This is why they have network executive because me and you left your own devices would just have sex with each other. Dude I gotTa tell you something. You were kind of convincing me there for a second. Okay. So I'm like this isn't gay as not cheating. It's funny. I think we're just sitting in a room. With violent ones. Sorry. Violent ones. The forest, you can't see the trees. Just like You're telling me the idea of your creative you. Your pets. More battle. You Ready. Do it. We just watch. Just watch porn. Say Oh fuck you come in here not having common like. Ten? You're really ready. Common like we're GONNA pass I, think we watch. I got I got this is this is pretty gay, but it works okay ready. We get you one of those do they sell this on the on the on the sex toy stores a thing? That goes on your Dick. And then I control the actually. saw. Is this getting better pull that up. Yeah. Go to Adam and Eve. And my God. Oh, what is that thing? It's GONNA be. It's Going to be like something for for him Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I. So you're taking a bear. She can still give you an orgasm. She's blows on a button. That that's These thing you don't WanNa vibrating cock ring. This is like a sleeve come on. This isn't this is a high podcast. Broke this you broke something. That's fine. We'll fix it. Yeah. Silicone rechargeable but plug that sounds fun my secret remote vibrating plug. Okay that is that it it's well gross girl. How about this now Google search for it. We each put vibrate abo-about plugs in. Okay but gets small and not like really big one. What is this I? Think you just open up Pandora's box. Holy Shit. Wouldn't it feel weird for you to take it to leave him like I can't believe Tom made me. Was the PODCAST. Pretty good. You had an orgasm. Tom. Made me come. Made him come to it was. We do you think. What is the okay I need to buy all the went to vibrating like pouch. You know like sleeve. You put it in there and then. This is just like a ring. We need like the actual like the fuck sleeve you know. Yeah. vibrating like vibrating or remote flesh type vibrating fucks leave. Yeah. Remote controlled, love what you what are you looking to fall in love dude? Levin's. Eleven's Some has one of these in home. The booth kind of jumped on that, right load-ins. Getting, Eleven's. Now. Is there like a slave about? How about remote control blowjob machine. Here you go. Okay. So this is for a woman though. Is All for woman yeah. Okay here's it's a hearing aid. Looks like a hearing aid. Okay. We're on the same page not did they go? Through the whole fucking page for you. How much it's not the thing you're looking for. Okay. So what are the mail? Okay. There we go. The. Is Male masturbation okay. Now can hit the phone there. So does does it you remote control it over your phone? Okay let's see. Why don't they have have dude's Dick inside this we can see what really works. I think there's going to be an animated one of on predicting. But why not? Just like a regular one I mean probably pornography laws half inches. See Right regular their volume. Okay. Okay here we. Dude. Vibration level. I can feel it tingling right now warning warning. Glowing Let's see. Oh. Okay. All right. That's where you're going in that is right a vaginal Yup. Flashlight. T. P.. detected. Okay. Text extra pleasure looks good. The texture stole what the fuck is that alien. OUT THAT WAS REAL I Interact. Or game. This has a virtual reality. We should do it on twitch. A. Select your position what? How is how does this work? As nonconsensual sink sinking with Max to. Oh. There you go on on one second hang on the phone does something they're right? Yeah. You control your sex toys. How does this work have the how they not shot a porn for? Oh Brilliant. Okay. So here's what we do. Here's what we do. We each get one of those and we we go in separate rooms we end up fucking each other. Know here's what we do Tom. Brady yeah. We, both put them on. And we give our wife, the remote control. Yeah and our wives decide when we have orgasm. On the Weasley the whole time. Okay. I think those executives you were talking about our energy. weirded out by it. Why is it? Every time I have a good idea. An executive shoots it down like I said Lyles not with you that's what I need. Lyle. Here's the idea came ready new show. It's called hits here it's called on canceled. Okay. What we do is we take popular canceled celebrities. We bring them on a stage panel of canceled experts Mel Gibson Roseanne Barr. Already been canceled in canceled and kind of had comebacks, right? Yeah. Ben Rothlisberger like. And then they go. So they go. All right who's been canceled recently that that we know like someone that is you can use. Give me someone that's been canceled recently. Anybody. WHO's been canceled go ahead can't think anyone. Canceled Celebrity Okay Okay Jesse small at. Shane Gillis even he? was going to be on SNL. Yeah. All right. We Got Shelly. Justice Okay R Kelly. Are Carrier Jussie smollet. They go. Hey, welcome to canceled Jesse Jesse Jesse or Jessie Jessie. A weird name it's a weird name Jesse. You lied about White supremacists hanging with a rope throwing bleach in your face. For. What reason we don't know jumping Ciampi we don't care what we can get you on canceled. Do you want to be uncannily like yes. Now America's GonNa vote and so everyone on their phone. So they're all voting the phone APP, right? Yeah, and you're like. Should Jesse have a scar from his ear to his mouth? And then they're like no worse and he's like Okay Jussie, you get into a bathtub full of rattlesnakes. And then he's like I won't do that and they're like, okay, that's the one we want, and so then he does that give. All snake, the on canceled. I like your show for a minute. And then I think just the next step. I, think it was I liked the idea people voting people, voting of how let's let's here's the thing. Here's the cool thing. Okay. You ask. Let's bring up. For, the live show what we can add, we're adding elements to this. What if we bring? A canceled celebrity on our show. And we punish them to among canceled, we make them have homes in front of us. Yeah. Why are they? They're not liking this idea on the booth at all. Here's what I was thinking. You do the thing you said. But they have to have that Dick Leave on and we can make them come. Whenever we want. Yeah. So that. Someone close to us has been canceled there are. Yeah. Yeah Ryan Adams what was Ryan Ams cancel for? They tried to cancel Marilyn Manson. Wait for the for the he wants I guess. I guess he was abusive to Rachel Evans Really. Ryan Adams dated the fucking blonde hair girl Yeah Yeah I heard about underage teenagers says there. What that's does is who the fuck but who is he I think I was thinking of Bryan Adams. Yes. What I was thinking who's Adams? Who the fucks Ryan Adams. I thought he dated the girl with the blonde hair that everyone loved skewed cutesy to I I. Don't Know Mary Princess Diaries. I don't know I. Don't know who it is. Let's see. Scroll up to his face. I don't know that guy he does not look attractive suppliers songwriter. Okay. He's well known. he's he's. Okay. All right. Well, he's done. Do you WanNa bring him on sure you've got Adamson then and then we'll. We'll get our fans to vote on how to punish him. And be like, Hey, man, you need to cut an inch off your Dick come on but I'm that's too much well doctor but. What. If what if they were like what if you said to a celebrity right? What if you had cancelled celebrities and you go, do you to in order to get canceled? All you gotTA. Do you gotTa let us Amputate Your Pinkie Toe. Jeremy guys would be like a man. What if it what? Okay. How about this? What if they said? Hey, current celebrities. If we amputate your pinky toe right now we'll Nebraska questions of your past how many recurrent celebrities lose their piggy Up like a pool fully towns. Like an Olympic sized pool over. Take off I don't WANNA I don't to do you want a second one I have to. Yeah. So So many. Yeah. The. I was thinking did you see pels Emmy Acceptance Speech? Yeah Yeah. It was like outside. Right? We're doing it his summer camp, but we still have not gotten invites to haven't gotten the invite now. Do you think? Should we lobby l.? Let's just call donal and see what are the odds will get invited I think I can probably answer that before you call him. Really. Yeah. I don't think I don't think we're going to get a call. I will by the way, isn't it late? October. Summer camp not over yet. Yeah. It's GONNA start getting cold in Ohio it is he was breathing cold air in that his speech I saw yeah. What does he got? He's got to be done with this Summer Camp I. Guess I think he's just liking that since touring is not available really he had he had allie Wong who you're really close with best friends with. Okay Yes I'm friends with Alli. Right no, but we're just so she knows. and. He had who else was there Chelsea handler? Yes and some other slam piece. Like, smoke show fucking comedian. Another. Hachi and all the hot chick comics go. Do do a show there. I mean. But also burs been there Bergman there Louis was there Louis was air donalda bunch. Jon Stewart John Stewart's Pot Letterman fucking crazies in bad Sindbad. Did it no I'm saying names that I think but did letterman go. I. Think he did go. Letterman did go letterman did and and then here's here's what we need. Here's what we need Tom. We need to set up a little One of these things for us do ours. Yeah. Okay. where Amphitheater. Problem. Now, we should do like what he does in other words get go to a place that has a few acres a like a park or something you know. Y- and set up what he does like an outdoor but but controlled space what about an Ohio? Yeah that's right. We buy some land no Oh my God i the brilliant place let. Joe's house. Joe Joe Rogan's house. He's got a house here is not using. We go ahead. We'll side you like fifty. Right now. He'll be yes. He'll be like how many you want WanNa do. He'll be like, why don't you stay at my house sleep there and inlet and invite other people to sleep there being joey just let us have his house. Absolutely. But a very joe kind of thing. You should just throw the show in my house forget going outdoors do it inside the house yeah was. Joke going to need your pool. Yeah. Can we just there for a while? But fuck. God damnit I'm going back on the road. Y. Ohno. You don't need to why are you doing that I? Don't know. I'm serious I I really don't know anymore like, why are you so many gates because I get so I get I can't just sit on my hands I start getting antsy and I go I'm wasting my life I'm wasting my life I've I it feels so good to come up with a bit and then go and I miss it. I. Miss it so much because I miss it too and I don't I don't like what he asked me to go to her house to stand up over there and I was like I don't I don't want to stand up to everyones assistant. Yeah. I WANNA do stand up to lot Leo. Seems Fun but it's like. It's I don't know we. You see what's going on to any south like estrogen compound of there at no are you being serious I haven't seen type Whitney Cummings Instagram when you come as instagram is it is nothing but smoke shows at her house. Really yeah she was in the Sauna Witha. Old Girl, they're that Libya Mon-. Yeah I'll Livia months. Oh, I'm supposed to do show with her doer. Yeah. And she bailed out she walked out at the last second play. I, don't know. The Way, what are we looking at other girls in the songs? All these women are over at our house. It's like she's taken over has the female Joe Rogan listener best. She's the female Joe Rogan. Who's this rock biter? WHO's this guy? You know who the fuck is I don't know where the boundaries lie. That's already something you don't WanNa be tagged in. Who is he? I have? No fucking idea. To See. PAP ZIP popping neuroscience. Thank you. Click his name. That guy's a PhD I thought. He was a fucking. Rock pyner. A. Professor I really thought it was like and then one time Oh that guy's ear off brain research and education posts are not medical advice. Yeah. Smart Guy Yeah okay. Well. All right smart. I have no interest in being around smart people. No. That's good. It's it goes back to my fucking. I'd rather be. With a mouth breathing gig ler then a smart person who's got to pick it all apart. Yeah. You know that sounds like that. I believe that you're telling the truth one, hundred percent. hundred percent I would much rather be with a I'm sorry. But burt is one of our finest minds and you really have to shut up and hear him out. Let's here. What is the purpose of being with someone who doesn't want extra cheese on it? You know what I mean right? Like somebody just like they're all the rules and they gotta figure things out and they got. More. I was thinking about how boring or how much it sucks when a when a rich person is shitty rich person you know what I mean and I was thinking that because I actually love when you've doubled down on my ideas. Yes I really I because I do agree on that like I was thinking like Joe's a fun rich guy he's a he's he's what you want in rich. He has fun. He gets toys he he's He's generous. He gets shit that he likes. He's like check this out in this. Cool right fun. You Want Fund Rich Guys Yeah Fun. Fun Rich Guys Okay, we definitely have to have Cuban in their more. Fun Guy. He's a lot of by if you if you're a rich guy like you get you hit it big and you're like I'm GonNa buy an NBA team. You're automatically afire point two billion dollars like that's a fucking guy though I hate to say that this is a a Omon Ra. MOTIF way. like spirit animal bump hearing the word billion a lot in my life lately. Yeah. You feel like you're on your way. I, feel like I feel like I feel like certain holding companies I'm a part of. That wouldn't be shocked by ended up being a billionaire. Yeah. I if I'm going to be a billionaire though I start living my life a little healthier. Why is that? Because I want to get to the billions and then fucking train off the rails, right? Yeah. But they're dangerous rich guy like a real rich guy I'm saying. I mean it would be. Really Wild. Okay. To bears one cave holding corp yet goes public right? Right. And we get payouts. We get payouts immediately obviously investors that invest in our company. Yes. They get their cut or they're all millionaires which is cool for them. They never planned on being. An apologize way talk but I am a billionaire this point. So I'm going to be very fucking blunt. Yes. Lot of them invested five dollars. Now they're a millionaire from that five dollars vow you oughta return because we invested nothing in now billionaire right and by the way, this is the way. This is why I don't like being real smart people because they already don't have this conversation and they're like, wait a minute to what type of shares are we talking about type of pay dividends? You're like shut up I'm. A billionaire smart people don't dream right smart people sit there and reality, and then pick apart your idea fucking morons dream right. Put me at a table full of morons and let's pipedream ourselves a billion dollars right as opposed to give me a table full of smart people in two morons and then have them bully US church. We are morons but we are going to be billionaire morons second that yeah, and so we get our Pale. Okay. Billion Dollars. Yeah. We each get a billion dollars. Yeah. Yeah it's retirement time. You're fifty I'm fifty, four What are we? What's our first purchase? I mean, we're totally okay for yacht yacht bombed up fucking definitely getting a yacht yacht and then like the. You know the the Maui beachfront. Okay. Hold on. Hold on hold on hold on. Okay. I didn't think that way. Yeah. Do we go do we get next door houses in Maui sure and we Just stocked with like that that Dick Leave that vibrates that like I'm always turning my on for you. Believe we went. From. Turkey off the be billionaires. That's. What it again dot L.. C.. We didn't finish my accent's last night. We never put your experts a few more few more my guys at talk that talk this idea for me. There's a this is Mike Mike is defending me like listen we're just billionaires and I think we need to buy the bucks you know what? I mean, get them. Green fucking point. I, love do when you have these men in your corner you can achieve anything. Yes. We got one of our first. You need confidence man yes. Thing we're spending money on we're hiring are fucking hype men. Yeah. Haute devil salaried lyle salary just hang around us and just jump in kind of be paying attention. Yeah. That's one of our by the way when we're thinking of business ideas of how to raise our billion. Yeah. I thing it's an APP. That's a personalized Heitmann for you. That's a great one. So you need a hype man and so it's so great. This awesome APP we haven't come out with it yet, but it'll be like it'll be like profile you your age and you'll be like twenty eight and then like, cool what's your favorite accent like Asian? Yeah and then you get like a Asian hype man from like like one can Dr Ken Played The guy from Yeah and I. Think the next step is for the man to hype you up like right now he's defending what you're saying but now you need to be like. You have brilliant ideas. Might you smart blow daily affirmation daily formation wipe off and you're like and you're like you like I want that I want to say whatever the fuck you won't. That's what I'm talking about. I want that guy to do like a long time you the shit. Away Fuck with like a long one. You know and even do how about this we even do like a derivation sometimes what we're GONNA do because it's the way you're feeling. So you don't wake up in a good mood, right? And so you type into the thing. Feeling kind of lazy today and what it does you ready for this He's you hear a woman's voice telling you why you're not anything in life and are heightening comes in and shut the fuck up and tells him no, no mother. I don't know about that bird get the fuck out to me you absolutely toby. POINT OR IF I. Had One too many to drink boat. The mind makes sense to just point down, keep lipstick him and let burt finish where he signed, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. especially to a woman. Like. Really should on that. My Wife's voiceover wife's voice. You're writing your write checks with your your ass can't cash a shop toby. Yeah. He's like shop. He should one for Leeann. Like she's like burt always exaggerating. Ask. What happened? That's not what happened. Were you there? No, you shut the fuck up bird. But. Well. Let's let Burt Talk Aci Leeann it let the man talk. There you go. You need to have that playing in your on Sonos last. Night she tried to tell she was going to tell a story and then I was like I'll tell you what why don't I tell it. Okay and then everyone's GonNa, enjoy it. She was like. She was like. No it's not real when you tell us not real and I went notes it's doesn't matter. It's real. It matters. Is everyone enjoying it by or are they sitting there going? Is it over yet? I can't tell. From your face. What. What's the story here? is a really good point. You need that at home. You live that just move in with you. We'll be talking awesome. ooh. Bedroom us like a like a muffled voice. Is that you talking again. Talk. One across the house. Doctor. Doctor. Doctor. Leeann. Who Dr All, right. All right. All right. Now you got this podcast is brought to you by Woop. This is the best personal fitness tracker. I've ever used in my entire life. 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Dot Com, and enter bears at checkout to save fifteen percent off get to know your cell phone deeper level unlock yourself with whoop this episode of two bears one cave is also brought to you by squarespace what are. You doing it doesn't matter what you're doing whether it's creatively for yourself whether it's your own work professional life you need a website you can showcase what you've been writing your photography. You can turn your cool idea into a website. You can publish your writing you can sell products, you make bracelets you make. So rings, you make I dunno, you paint all of it can be on a website and you can have beautiful templates created by class designers. So you have a very professional looking website. You customize the look and feel everything is optimized for mobile right out of the box and Yeah built-in search engine optimization four, seven award-winning customer support. It's fantastic head on over to squarespace DOT COM for a free trial and when you're ready to launch us the offer code bears to save ten percent off your first purchase of a website or domain squarespace dot com enter the code word bears All right. So I keep going back to this billion dollars. Dollars Yup. We were making our list of awesome rich guys. Okay. He's a fun fun. Rich guys. You know it was a boring rich guy, the most boring rich guy, Warren Buffett. You know why? Because he keeps count he's like, Oh yeah and then that money compound. Now I have eighty, eight billion dollars but I live in a fucking quarter million dollar house you and I drive an eleven year old Cadillac Boring Boring as. Fungi like Yulon musk fun rich guys like make spaceships. I'm making underground tunnels I'm putting. fucking. A. I chips in pigs heads, and I'm telling them the fucking how to read like fun. Crazy kids complete. About up, spend your money spend your if you ever billionaire and you're like I'm just being conserved. Why why are you being conservative be fun no one likes a boring billionaire Paul Allen was fucking fun. He bought the what is it the seahawks and he bought the Rail Blazer. co-founder of Microsoft he died but he had crazy yachts and he would have parties and just be like Oh beyonce's come come. Sing like four songs at my birthday party. Here's here's thirty million dollars or whatever. That's fun. That's what I'm talking to Soma High ex-husband probably pretty. Fun. Listening I'm also going to get her pregnant also Mata. Yeah. He's going to be like and by the way I don't WanNa hear about it i. don't even think that you're bringing this up. Oh, sorry. I don't speak English A. By the way, the new Gucci collections in your closet, I'll be back at six. Who Do we keep our wives if we get billion dollars? Yeah. Of course as like they're they're the you know. They. Hold it down there. Yeah and they are La Houses. Yeah, and then Like when you bring you bring like your new bike your twenty, six year old girlfriend like liens like here's what he lacks and like Oh. Yeah. Almost like almost like. Almost like an executive assistant or keep on our wives like exactly the. Cincinnati. So when we bring in new talent, they can kind of shepherd them in the right direction of like what they need to be doing. Right right. Yeah. He likes his eggs over medium. Ever. Frog and a whole is. How to make this brand put a cap on it saying around put a product in the middle but Jeez flip at one time don't burn the cheese. FRENCHIES. Gosh everything bet likes yeah. Well, then with him for awhile just so you know I. Don't do it. Blow jobs are a big deal with them. Now, he's going to need a lot of. Then mouth one made we're talking. burs Ama for this, not what I've turned. Yeah now come on back now, take those pants off underwear when you're the new girl. Now me. And then find out she's just set up my chick to do chores around the house. I brought her in Liens like she'll know better I think Christina would let me have one if she was like disabled, you know like Yes also. But. If she was like if she was like bed bound and like. I understand what you're saying blink if you're not happy with her being here. But I think I, think I like, Hey, I, got this girl she like, what are you doing I'm like can't talk she can't read. She's in a cage. Like I'm just going to you know Oh fuck she'd be like. All right. Okay. Houses in Maui yachts, nuts, planes. Jewish airplane. Berliners, but we're smart now with. Chefs y'all private chefs. Yeah. Crazy toys you know like shit that's not really out. Oh motorcycles matching motorcycle or cycles that fucking are can float or something what if what if what if and I know that I'm saying this right now and in the future you're actually watching the funds you had to fund shit to fund meaning not just like prop like a toy but were you go like? I built a a like a like a park. The center of the city that has you know. Like that fake skydiving thing you know what I mean like we're using. The air pressure off makes you floatin it. Talking about, but you give it to the public anybody can go here. Anybody. The indoor skydiving thing see if anyone's placing not mean. What we diving boards around our city diving boards, but there's no pool and she. Lives were off. Diving Board. Suicide Board. Dumping that's great, idea. Just, diving boards like an art installation we should definitely do some art installations I I'll tell you the funding his perfect fun thing backup for Ilan. He made the fucking flame thrower member the flame thrower go no reason at all. That's right. That's a fun. Rich Guy thing that's what I'm saying that's fun. Yeah you know I, think I think we would not a hedge fund guy who's like in the second quarter we found out that using derivatives didn't split up you're like her family. Billionaire, and don't be right. What if I said this earlier but what if right now? We're dead, right. We're dad this is fifty years from now. Okay and kids are studying this in school this and they're like this is the way businesses are made now is you get two guys with a bunch of half baked ideas and. Then we just invest in them, and then they don't care because it's not their money and they take real gambles with the money and they double down and double him down and WMD in there like people often lose all their money. But the good thing the upside is sometimes those guys will come would`ve God. We do have fucking horrible ideas. Yeah. Yeah. But we got great heightened backing us up and that's all that matters. Yeah. Listen I'm fucking brilliant and Shit. You know what I mean. It's an indoor skydiving place that anybody can use. You don't have to pay, and if you walk right outside, you'll see a diving board. To nowhere. Oh Shit. Body. Yeah man this is perfect. Listen. To US man. Oh Fuck. Man. This is perfect. Really is a might be so fucked up on the fifteenth I can already feel it. I am planning on Can, we can't smoke joints in here. Can we I? Mean I think The fact that it's the evening we might be able to to probably is you say probably we should be able to smoke cigars. Cigars are usually have a very delicate sense that no one really picks up on. You think someone would notice. not the sprinklers. You are live of it. Okay. Okay. In Tom are drunk and high smoking guards jacking off. Jaw? Speed. And then I can speak up. And then the. Second one will be live from the arbitration lawsuit like hearing you know like when this business building just goes to they cancelled as live event. I feel like this is just a horrible. This is a horrible idea. Is it feel like they meet more? So we're just GONNA. Have to jerk me off man. God, I can't believe your company. Shit Oh. Elon. Musk's number. So we can run ideas by him culture he'll give to you. We should run our ideas by Josiah, smart. He's on a billionaire though now but I mean smart guy. He's not. He's not. He's Joe. Doesn't joe going to like any of our ideas. He didn't like hip hop dance training. He didn't like hip hop dance training. Yeah like I don't like. This is a horrible idea of worked out for us. Yeah. How long have how much have you been training with tennis very aggressively yeah. Yeah. Now is it I was gassed today like most very hung over and I'm I do just it's like I looked at my watch and I was like I have been here for half an hour and I've been they're playing for eight minutes and you're straight eight minutes straight of just fucking volleying a baseline. Yeah, and I was exhausted. And he'll get. He'll get me up to the net and start fucking till. Go tell me when just hitting them harder and harder and I just can't say win. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Interesting when do our live live tennis match? The tennis match will be live will probably shoot the tennis match. Why wouldn't we do live pay per view? Of the tennis batch I mean just to pay per view no at it. No it. It's I. Don't know. Is that possible? How do we do that? Yeah, the it'd be possible We'd have to do it around somewhere with good Internet, and then we could make it happen. Yeah. All guarantee. There's a billionaire that's got tennis court on Their House with a lot of them do Dr Phil. You think he wants to hostess. Joe's best. Friends with his son. Okay. Yeah A doctor Phil's son's name I think is Esquire Phil. Trying to think of a job fair. Nashville. Now. Just the new stuff. No, this is the This is, yes. I'm working on this on the new tour. New Tour Body shots world I am I haven't left yet. What is it called hot summer night I got I. Got I got a couple more towards hey when do you think we're going back on the road road road road I have some dates. Now into the new year, but it's like a club weekend casino that kind of stuff. But road road doesn't start till next summer. You don't think well, it might. But that's when my my stuff all moved to then really Sucks a fine crazy it is. As you know a quick way to make a billion dollars to tell me if we can cure this. Shit Oh, that's it. We should come up with some real backyard remedies. Okay like. Like, if we could just find out like if you found out that like. Try to convince him by the way to do it Promo Nadav sin bath gasoline, and then throw a cigar and somebody told me. You can't start a fire that way. So it's actually pretty safe. Really Yeah and that could cure corona virus. What if you could what? If Crowe virus and this is just a soft pitch and I don't know how to monetize this But what of virus could be cured by just everyone whispering. That much air. Everyone burs that's that's actually not a bad idea. Not A monetize whispering. I don't think you can. When people really start getting to lead, you gotta go out. And tell you gotTA. Keep quote to. H The puck. I keep repeating myself I like what if we did our whole earl live event in FM The that's GonNa. Make a lot of people sat in a few people. The alike be like we're in bed with each other under the covers right now not until you mentioned it wrong. Why is it so? I don't know man if you creep here, we does things on our DADS. And then. I kept doing like this and you're like, Oh, my God. Witney texted back you say. No We call her. So fucking selfish with her. Yeah. Okay. You own a car no she won't answer my phone call and I call her. I honestly I think that she needed money. Through years before mine. I don't know. Should I call her? Yeah. She thinks you're more successful Diane. Should that's why. So answer your call online she thinks I'm a peon. Don't say that ask her let's see if she has. Does. Nine women in a hot tub right now. Nancy the other day. She entered the fucking phone. Hello. Oh. My Gosh she sounds just like the. I wonder if that lady that does the voice at the town I wonder when people call her like hello, she's like at the town I'm just kidding it's me Mansi. Know why she do that why didn't she just help us? I don't understand. Okay. Can I tell you the problem with Whitney? I hope you're watching this Whitney. I. Hope You're watching this the problem with Whitney I'm about to find out to any. She smart. That's our problem Yup. She doesn't have enough more on in her to let loose sometimes she needs more more on in her and here's the problem is she's so smart. She'll never date a moron on severe that smart morons aren't attractive to you. Can't find the beauty and immoral what this sounds like to me what you're upset that she doesn't. Like she went into my phone. So what I'm done, I can help you. Yeah I. Like when we did that Adam Sandler interview yeah. It went so bad. The I was so great and I was so excited when I saw. Happy. Happy Madison Happy Gilmore Happy Madison Happy Madison Gilmore. fucking talented I. Think she was I. Think she was stunned that I was. That stupid. Yeah and that it worked Whitney I, wonder if she's ever dated a fucking legit more on. A question that we'd get it? If she answer phone, she won't answer our phone. That's problem is she's smart. She's too smart for own. Good. Now, now you heard it now, you know it Smarty Pants Whitney is too smart you to. Stop a second. Let Talk. Give him a minute and let the man talk a better accused through the fucking roof and that's the other problem is she's too smart. She's too busy doing smart people things. Why don't you do a voice note and tell her that real quick. He's real quick when I tell you. What your problems. Are these about idea I? Think I just did it here and I still think it's a bad idea. Okay. Great. fucking point Tom. I think you should tell her tell her that we think. We didn't know this is your thought. But I am I am supporting you but it's your thought Whitney. It's Tom and Bert we're on our podcast. We wanted to tell you what was wrong with you. Give us a call. All right. I love you. That was really rude. Know Senate then well, the way that you word it you you made it like we were going to tell you and then I like you. Okay. Let's do it sounds like. It's Tom and Bert on our podcast. We wanted to tell you what was wrong with you. Give us a call. I I love you. Oh Yeah. It does sound like you don't love her. Yeah it's rude. Send it. Do whatever you want. You sent it Yup. Let's okay. What's a female comic? That's a moron you did you sent. I think what? If what if we? We start like institute. An institute to Kinda get you back to being a kid again. Like the one thing that you Leeann said about me that I really did enjoy was that I am a child like I'm a nine year old in my head I. I'm not a I. I've never really grown up in like any moment I get into for me. My business is about comedy I don't give a fuck about a ton of stuff other than giggling right. So if we do go sit down at a place, I am constantly thinking about jokes about that place or ways to make us laugh. And that's what I love that I love that. But there's not enough people that are doing that. There's so many people that are wrapped up in the world lake of like. Like it's you serious these days we started like a dumb it down school. Destroy. Back. Notification. No, she didn't my back. Yeah She's GonNa Ignore why. What's what? If she could tether herself to us. I might be the right amount. Brilliant. We need. Yeah. Start business like we we cut her in on. This is what we do Whitney your this smart the hang with us I'll send you're not so smart and all of a sudden a lot of fun things start happening in this dumb new space that you're occupying. Tonka say whatever the fuck you want you know what I mean. By the way. I hate to say this we are. Now. Right. Man Yeah we are stuck in her own echo chamber moronic thoughts. That's how you really get. Stupid. The beginning of. This is all twitter is your eight people that agree with you. I love having Nigel and what's his name I don't know. I didn't give her name I just mixed named. Ted named mine. He did lyle lyle allows yours I'm I'm with. Dr Now Darnell Yeah Good. Name. Yes. Thanks. So. What did we learn today? How's Your Tennis Training Tell me your skill level. It's no I'm like, like you just a little better it's like. What's the ways you're going to be on this? We have to discuss our wager what should be Saying What's going to be pretty, big. Jerk other offer fun. What should the wager be? You. Get to be the tennis champ. That's pretty big. Also you by the way began this when my brought tennis you like I will fucking obliterate I love it. You said you go you go. You've never seen me play tennis I go. To Very you? Oh. Are you really good I'll kill you. Okay I served today and I asked my coach Great Yeah I'm pretty, amazing you. Good How are you? I think I'm probably like skill one to ten. Ten being professional tennis player. Okay. That means like one being a child one being a child five. Eight or? Then then you're GonNa, kill me what if we? What? If we okay I'm I'm just trying to think of ways things to add to our portfolio. What is our holding company. Holding Company. Gave Lot Holding Inc. Holding Corp. SLURP. We got to come up with we need to do head shots for that by the way yet no, no, that's happening. I already have a photographer coming actually a website setup away to invest. and. By the way, there are people dumber than us to put money towards this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are. There are other people out there even dumber than US therapy and. This accident good idea, and when we say stuff that it's not smarter, it just sounds more like we're buying a property in eastern Africa we're going to be like. So brilliant idea. Diamond Mines. Mine's I. It's Fucking I saw a movie about within the CAPRIO. Blood diamond. All you need is one diamond and you are rich. My lining, do you want to get in on this or not? Yeah. Hey do you want to be a millionaire or do you just WanNa sit there at your cubicle and not? WanNa Maybe have diamonds all over the place yeah. Yeah. We've turning into stepbrothers. Yeah, which one are you you think? I feel like I'm John C reilly really boys dumber than the. Oh. You get fucked up last night. Yeah. Would you drink. VINO WILL FIT fine I've been drinking the fuck to fit fine. Yeah. I love it vine. How much did you drink A bottled change two bottles probably three. By three in analytic joint. And it was really great because we have a new sponsor that that the CD one yeah. Yeah. Is that that's US, right? Yeah I think so Nadav. I don't think it's on this episode, but I think we might be working on something. No, they sent me a bunch of products, right? Yes or is that for burt cast I don't know but we got a sponsor. I forget which I knew the name of it right now is that really be helpful but they sent a small smokable CD joins me joint. Yeah. So I had a pack of I had a bunch of them not a pack, but I had a few. Yeah and we were all sitting in the kids were inside and we lit up CBD joints and the kids came out and they're like Yo talking marijuana I, WanNa get CB. I by the way, we could have just told him. No fucking idea anyway yeah that's true. But we look the joints and then I was like wait if they're smoking. I'm light a real joint. So a little real joint snoop joint no, no, no, no no no. No. I'm all out of shape joints is lit a joint and it's an I smoked a real joint. Well, everyone's books DVD joints. And I was like I'm fucking pretty high. Yeah and then I just giggled at St Jokes over and over again you got ripped I watched a bunch of Buddy Hackett jokes. Thing and I couldn't stop laughing I'm trying to write a street joke like a street joke what's like setup of one? was like a buddy one guy walks into the doctor's office and he says. I want to get my voice fixed and the doctor says, okay well, I've looked at your records and here's the deal. You have four testicles. If, you get rid of two of your test scores. It may change partially life it'll definitely fix your voice and the. Boys fakes he's like, okay. So do the operation month later guy comes back the doctor's like alright doc you're right is changed to much of my life and I think I want my desk was back dot goes I'm sorry I can't help you. Do you write that knows buddy. Buddy joke. I. But I. But I started watching jokes like that knows like I want right like I tried to do that on my last special with the. Room for cream joke because it was guy walks into a bar guy walks in a bar. I. Walked into starbucks That's right. Yeah. So it really worked out and then the joke wasn't what you thought. It was something else right it was like a double. That's why that's what that's why that's. That's the problem with cream. And But I I want to write a simpler WanNa ride joked that I can tell and then everyone can tell it at office parties. Yeah. So I'm trying to write a joke. Let's do it right now. You want. Okay. Okay. So The mist what we need right right. Right. So the misdirect at the end can tell me something you have misheard recently I'll give you an example I thought one sometime one time. I was watching this documentary called murder ball and said, the guy got paralyzed 'cause he passed out in the back of a truck and I thought they said he was paralyzed from the waist up. Right, which would be hysterical if a guy was just walking around but his body top top limp. Yes. So. So, it's got to be done here him out here, remount. Thank you need to love by the way knowing that control of my hype man. Yeah he knows what I'm down on a needed boost up yet. I like this relationship with adopt. It's pretty good. It's really good. It's been really good are are in and out burgers here. I think so. Let's wrap this episode up okay. Let's do it. We are four minutes of power. wait so. How do you? How do you propose doing your this joke? So we need you got to work. The way you write these jokes I think you start with your the punchline is the thing right? Like the moth goes I. Don't know the light was on. Right, find the thing the punch lines the thing. So and then work it back from there and you can create any world around it. Okay. So for you. The punchline should be something like the dog added common. Yeah. Something like that. It's a Shitzu. Old School Street jokes like that like like mom's making supper for the kids right mcadoo. BB's in the. In the soup she was like, fuck. Can't get out of all the BBC's I'll just serve it with the BBC in what's worse. For a BB gun for a BB gun. And she goes. Next. Morning her son wakes up panic. She's three sons some wakes up three right? Some ozone wakes up youngest goes mom mom because talk about something serious matter to us. I just wanted to the bathroom I peed bb's she's like okay it's fine. You're fine. Don't worry go back to bed. Ten minutes later, middle son wakes up mom mom mom I gotTa tell you something she's like what is and he's like I just woke up and I peed bb's and she's like it's fine. You'RE GONNA be fine aiming Abdul brother oldest son comes in ten minutes mom mom mom she's like let me guess you're peeing BBC's like. No. Jerking off, shot the dock. Kid. I want some of the smartest people ever live entirely of cool eight. Yeah. So I want to try to write a street joke that you can right I think that that actually the challenge comics do yeah. You know who can write this type of joke? Yeah. Like who it are you saying we should give up on tennis. No so let's talk tennis match out be it's going to be one set or three cents. I think we should do best to three best of three sets. The here's the thing we're not experienced players. Yeah. We're GONNA end points quickly man. You know yeah I mean like we can have a full set that is over in a couple of minutes. Okay. Right. Where do we stream this live from some celebrity I I don't I don't know about that part that that's a big tech thing. I can't answer that right right here because we could shoot it easily and cut it down and have highlights and a little more digestible you know. But I mean if you are insistent on it being live streaming I, don't know I. Wonder How many people we could get to live I. Don't think I don't know if I'd live stream into a better to shoot it and I mean boring or something we say this may be a little off color. Yeah and I think we can make it actually really funny with like if we're miked and then we have a an who's Mike and like cut to like the best moments I think we got that down, we got Josh Potter as a line Judge Josh's a line judge for sure. In. And he's like I didn't see that. I'm not really sure. Yeah. Yeah, and we need ballboys. Ballboys for sure, right? Yes. ballboys and. An outfits. which which way leaning I got these things called Megan's type muggings the really good looking. I just bought a bunch of pair I warm to play today and Oh. Yes. Yes. I see you wearing a colorful one though you know. Which one I don't have the gold ones by could get gold the that colorful when they're on the left the far left. That could. Actually got the those same real type in egging, go to their website and go to the shorts. Wow. Yeah. Goto. ACAPELLA muggings. K. Scroll through these guys this is what I thought. It looked scroll shorts. Running No. No I got short you know these are wrong. These wrong. Go back to the muggings and they have actual tight. Did they go there you go compression short shorts I. Got those that's why played into all you should wear those for the match for real. Yeah I think so too those are excellent they really have a wager Yeah. Winner gets to have sexually the other one's wife okay. I have I said, we have a way. We should also wrestling match leave town match. GotTa move to Austin. How crazy? What happening Joe that weird, what do you mean? What happened to Q. Truck running into him Oh. Yeah you. figure the easiest way for us to go viral is to just bring up something about Joe they have like fucking you ever seen. Santino GonNA page what it's like to have dinner with Joe Rogan. It's like on Youtube and then I said something about how generous he is. Yeah, and then it's like per Chrysler explains Joe Rogan's generosity and you're like so that's all I gotta do to go viral. Tell secret about my friend. I do that on my podcast sir. Winning callback. Let's see nope. She takes back now, response should be caller. I think I did already. voicemail didn't go through. I didn't my voice texted. Net might be might be a sign you think maybe. Or she deleted it can delete it I have no, I go through on your phone. Let's see. So I'm seeing you're tearing crying laughing thing. Yeah. It's Tom Burtt. Crazy Okay. All right. We gotta run. We're GONNA WE'RE GONNA. October fifteenth is a live show why virtual dot com for tickets. New Hoodie merch method dot com slash Tom Gra thank you guys for listening. Thank you for watching. We'll see you next week bird Tom Psalm. One goes top while the other wears a shirt Tom tell stories in Bernstein machine. There's not a chance in hell today. Okay. Here's. Scrapes booze amateur for Tallahassee Dirty Jokes Raunchy Gaber no apologies. Here's the call. On.

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