#168 | You are not alone.


Welcome to ten bestest where we sift through the noise so you don't have to each week. We share our ten favourite things of the moment. Anything goes thank you everybody. My name is brian heart and today we have a very special guest. I have grant with me grant. Hello welcome hello. Brian thank you. Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself. Okay i will. It is a delight and honor to be here. This is exciting. I went to grade school and middle school in salem kaiser area back in the eighties in which was a pretty cool time. In general my my wife and i have twin teenage daughters and both of them are pretty into stranger. Things that netflix series. Both of my daughters have separately at times mentioned man being a teenager in the eighties. Must've been so cool. And i hadn't thought about it in decades but i thought oh my gosh yeah. It was pretty cool. I left the area for high school and college. And then i moved back to salem. Nineteen ninety four. And i've been here. Ever since. My wife. And i have been married for twenty four years and have lived in west salem sense ninety eight. We have those. Those twin girls go to west. And i'm a realtor with plum real estate things. I'm most proud of are probably winning a twenty four year secret battle with severe depression. Parenting intentionally and my ability to work seventy hours a week and still be positive and encouraging. Well that's a lot seventy hours to holy moly. It doesn't happen very often but that it does have. It does happen yes well. That's really cool. Yeah this is. This is going to be kind of a special episode. We've never really done a full theme but we are going to kind of a theme on depression in other forms of that other branches of that. I don't know what the best word is so. I'm really glad that you're here. Because we're going to have a perspective of someone you who's dealt with depression and then someone like me who has been very lucky and fortunate not really have suffered from any kind of mental health issues that i know of no depression though. I've just had a really charmed life but it is very important to me. It's i know people that have suffered from and of course family members. I think everybody knows someone who suffered from mental health in some way and so it's definitely something especially in the last five ten years that's really been on my mind a lot and i've read some books and a lots of articles and movies and things like that anything i can do to essentially just understand more and and try to be there for my friends as much as i can and i also just make sure that i'm healthy as much as possible because it's it can happen any time i would imagine and just keeping yourself. Mentally healthy is a is a really good thing. So i'm really excited to to have this episode with you to yeah. Well we're in. We're going to do another thing that usually when a guest comes on i usually go first or carrying goes i boat or you're going to give you the ball. I let you go so yeah. Let's latino i won. My first cool sheets is not being depressed. And i think that would be great for for anyone. There are millions of people that wish for that but it is especially significant for me because for twenty four years from nineteen ninety six to two thousand eighteen from age. Twenty four to forty eight. I had a secret struggle with brutal relentless life threatening depression on the outside. I looked happy. Funny well like successful. But on the inside i was as lost and hopeless and miserable as a person can be not even my wife knew the extent of it and she drove me to the er a timer to it is impossible to describe how difficult life was without giving some details. And i'm not ready to talk about the details publicly yet. The details are kind of dramatic. But they're not what's important for those twenty four years. I live closer to death than i did to life and during those decades one of the truest things in the universe to me was that one day my depression would take my life. I was certain. I would not be able to fight it forever indeed. I lost the fight several times a month. My private and inner life were pretty grim but in november of two thousand eighteen. The depression laughed suddenly and surprisingly and completely which i am. Certain is pretty rare. I was not expecting it. And i did not believe it for a long time after a month of no depression after suffering for twenty four years. I message my brother and sister. In and said i know you know a little bit about this. But here's a little more of my story and had no depression for one month. And i don't know what's going on after three or four more months. I told a couple more dear friends and after a year and four months. I shared a little bit of my story publicly on facebook but i have had zero depression for one year and eleven months while well first of all. Thank you so much for sharing your first goal sheet but just your story. yeah absolutely. We've kind of just now formally i guess met in person here. But i've i've known you through online the that we live in right now and i remember that moment it popped up on my facebook Scared that was one of those people that had since. I didn't know you very well anyway. i did. I had no idea so i was like. Wow this is you never know. There's probably is so many people right now are ugly. Could be close friends that you have no idea about and i do try to always think about that especially now in this pandemic the time of recording we're still in the pandemic and intentions high already and sometimes you have a little bit less patience and understanding of your friends and and friends in general the like things happen and get on your nerves or whatever you know and you have to remember. You don't know where people are where they're at in their life or where they're coming from you know usually these are your own things in your head that you're you're angry about or whatever you know a lot of the times but it's a really good reminder to keep that perspective. I think people are going through a lot of a lot of things that you probably have no idea about so ensure that is true. And i'm so happy to hear that you haven't had that a long time. It's really amazing. And i hope that that gives people that are going through it. Ope at there is it is possible to get get out of it or or that it can get better so that's great. Thank you so much for sharing that. I'm gonna kinda talk about from from the other side as best as i can To deal with some of these i cool. Sheet is going to be a video. And i can't remember a few years ago when i saw this video. But it bernie brown who i think. A lot of people know she's been a former call sheet and it's video on empathy and it's a very short video and it's an animated video of probably one of talks just a very short part on empathy. The link will be on our show notes and she talks about what is empathy and why is different from sympathy. Because i think a lot of people get that confused empathy fuels connection or sympathy drives disconnection. I really like how she's very simply states. The difference of the two she talks about the four qualities of empathy perspective taking the ability to take the perspective of another person and recognize their perspective as their truth and staying out of judgment and recognizing emotion and other people and communicating that. I see this video is so short and so powerful stocks about empathy is a sacred space at someone's kind of in a deep hole and they showed up from the bottom and say i'm stuck. It's dark i'm overwhelmed. And you look and we say. Hey i'm i'm down here with you. I know what it's like down here and you're not alone where someone was sympathy mica. That's bad And hey do you wanna sandwich. Maybe they're trying to strike. They're trying to change the subject because they feel uncomfortable. She talks about. Empathy is a choice and it's vulnerable choice. She's kind of the vulnerability expert because in order to connect you have to connect and something that's within yourself to to kind of connect with that feeling that the other person is having an ad is a can be a hard thing to do somebody and she talks about how rarely if ever does empathetic response begin with. At least someone share something that you say. Well at least it's not this. You know they try. It's somewhere usually is a good place. But they're putting silver lining on it and it's just not the right thing to do. I highly recommend video. It's bernie brown on empathy. Sure your expert that was. I was really good. Maybe the best we've ever had first time nice job. I'm a big fan of rene brown. She's chest yes she is something not only she The real deal in terms of scholarly research but just as a human and her heart. Yeah she seems to genuinely care about people and that seems to be what's motivating her you know for the research that she does i remember you know encountering her first tedtalk which just exploded one of the talks one of the videos that that help put ted on the map absolutely yeah and That was a significant thing for me. Watching her little her video on on vulnerability. That was the first time i noticed. You're the organizer for fedex. Salem right yeah local. That one of the organizers. Yeah yeah in fact. That was one of the ted talks. Not the one by one of the ones that that were carly and i decided we wanted to start it. it was candy kenny. Changs and a was definitely a huge influence. Where and she might have put ted on my radar. That was weird. Like what is this thing. And then i saw candy's which is totally different. It's about in a community art project and But that's the between those two think bernie kind of got it on my radar and then candy. Solidified the musician but yeah. She's so good at taking these big concepts these big ideas these big emotions and just distilling it down though powerful moment and making them relatable or applicable with what she's talking about it's not just purely hetty academic. Isn't that interesting stuff. It's pretty real freely. Real real she shares scientists say that she shares a really good way. Cause i think people the silver linings she talks about how people do that and they're probably from a good place but she does share one thing to say to people and she's like i don't even know what to say right now. I'm just so glad you told me. And that's enough. You don't have to always offer someone perfect words or oh yeah especially another thing that a lot of people do i think is. Oh yeah that happened to me too. And then they start telling their stories her you know. And that's what you need to give your friend at that moment. You just need to say. I'm so glad you shared that with me and and i'm here for you. I'm listening and you're not alone. That i think is a really powerful. No yeah the video is so gray. And it's it's like a. It's a bear fox in this. Really cool little animations. You have yeah. Yeah it's almost like you don't you forget bernez actually the ones speaking. Okay you know yeah. It's a really cool. i think i have seen it. Yeah it's worth checking out again. We'll have all of these links and shown notes on our website in its tempests dot com slash. Mental health will be the short to this episode specifically and it's one zero bestest dot com slash mental health. All right you want to go for your next one. I'm reading my second cool. Sheet is as two parts to it. One of them is just being able to talk about mental health at all and to being able to tell my story and help people. The stigma around mental health has been greatly lifted as you kind of alluded to in the intro. Especially in the past ten to fifteen years humankind. I think we're really indebted to the courageous vulnerable people who told their stories and the ones who expanded our understanding of mental health. You know these past several decades. It has been really hard for me to talk about my story for a number of reasons one was. I was really ashamed of my depression. I was ashamed. That even had it. And even more ashamed of how. I survived of that grim private life that i mentioned. I have no doubt that because i was so familiar with suffering and such depth of suffering that i was more aware of other people's pain and i think two things work there one is that throughout life. I have been highly tuned to other people's pain. I think of that idea that are is seek out what is in our heart and two. I knew what it was like to suffer. And i didn't want anyone else to experience that. So i have encouraged people to contact me and i have treated people with compassion which has prompted them to contact me so from the first moments i begin to share bits of my story. People have messaged me or come to me privately to say that's my story to or i've heard this over and over and over again my child is going through that and it breaks my heart and i don't know what to do around twenty five or thirty people have contacted me privately in the past year and i have simply asked them about their stories and shared parts of my story in continued conversations with those people. It is clear from the that the conversations they and i had have helped. There is so much to this story and to this topic. Suffice to say of what. You mentioned earlier brian that a lot of people suffer in secret and i am grateful. I can help some of them. Yes thank you for for helping them to. That is yeah. I'm just glad we're having this conversation. It wasn't that long ago where people didn't wanna talk about this at all and it's true and you know firsthand your you didn't wanna talk about it. You embarrassed your were four years old. There's such stigma thank goodness it's starting to lift now. People are starting to talk about it because it's been around forever spent. Yeah so thank goodness now that at that that is starting to change. Because that's when we can really get to work on helping people. i you have to lift that stigma. Know that it's the something that happens all of the time to people. So yeah that's so great. Some really good okay. Well my next who she is going to be about human. This human has haley hardcastle and she also she's a pretty amazing young lady and two thousand and nineteen haley. Hardcastle and a few other students passed helped. Pass a house. Bill twenty one ninety one here in oregon which allows students to take a mental health day off from school. So it's kind of the same way you would take a sick day. And now she's working on expanding that law to other states and she's i think she's already helped colorado and possibly a few more every time i talked to her. It's a few more and we actually. We did have her. I had her apply to tech. Salem and she spoke this year in january. Twenty twenty when we could still gather and she gave a talk on a mental health and especially how it affects younger people now and she talks about how school can be ripped with stress anxiety panic attacks and even burn out and but there's no real formal policy for students who need to prioritize their well being and so she talks about how it's important and she gave this talk. It's a it's a really great talk. And and i don't usually talk about my own ted tech stocks Because it's it's just seems weird to me. But this one actually was selected by ted and it became an official ted talk. They they contacted us. A right afterwards. maybe a month afterwards and we went through a bunch of process. They interviewed her. She became so it's become an official tedtalk. It's on the official. It was on the front page. It has over two to three million views now So it's a really cool talk. And she's an amazing person. She was in teen vogue as one of the young up and comers she's done so many amazing things definitely worth checking out haley. Hardcastle short sean. That's pretty exciting. Yeah yeah it's pretty cool. What a neat idea to just make a little mental health connection helped. Lift the stigma of yeah absolutely ends. That's for a young person. She started. I think when she was seventeen You know she's nineteen twenty now still very young but But it's really cool to see these young kids. I think they work with providence. Or somebody else to kind of help them with this. But it was a lot of times of these young kids and that's really cool. That's really promising. That's when you being a former teacher. Probably you know really loved seeing you know these young kids doing something about it is really inspiring and hopefully inspire other young people to take action on an idea that they had that they weren't sure they could do anything with or should do anything. Yeah yeah absolutely very cool. That is cool okay. My third cool sheet is our current understanding of trauma. What has been coming out of trauma. Research is significant and powerful and surprising all the leading researchers that i'm aware of are arriving at the same conclusion and the big revelation about trauma is this that addiction. Adhd anxiety chronic illness chronic pain depression and a host of other issues. All these things are simply symptoms of trauma and that is all they are thinking about. How many people. We know that have one or more of those things going on in their life. Trauma is absolutely kicking humanities. But it gets even crazier and more exciting trauma is loss of connection with your authentic. Self trauma is not a terrible event to people can experience the same difficult event and one will develop anxiety and addiction. And the other won't it's not the event that is the trauma or the or causes the trauma a terrible event or difficult prolonged circumstances cause addiction anxiety depression chronic illness chronic pain etc. Only when the person's response causes that person to lose connection with their authentic self. I think examples really help with understanding. This and i have time for one here picture a little girl born into a home where. There's a lot of anger a lot of raised voices. It is not a safe place. Her siblings might respond differently to it than she does. But her sub-conscious instinctive response is to become the good girl and obedient. Quiet people pleaser. That is how she fights to keep connection with your parents. It is important to note here something that came up earlier when you were talking. Brian and that is that connection is far and away. The greatest human need so back to this little girl for the rest of her life that little girl continues the only role she ever knew the good quiet people pleaser when it was never who she really was almost from birth. She lost connection with her authentic self. She will guaranteed experience addiction anxiety. Depression or one of those other symptoms of trauma. This is exciting because it seems to me that this knowledge will continue to spread until it becomes commonplace and when we understand the real reason why people are struggling and suffering. We can help. Wow that's really really cool. I really liked that part. You showed to that the same experience can affect to different people in a totally different way. I think that that is where a lot of that disconnect happens. You know where people are like. Well that didn't bother me or that wouldn't bother me just then of course there's the people that are Just suck it up or whatever is a total lack of empathetic response by. Yeah knowing that difference you know knowing that there is a difference just because you've gone through something and handled it just fine. That doesn't mean that the exact same thing someone else might my really destroy them embrace aversa then there might be something else happens to you down the road. Yeah there is nothing for somebody else. Maybe that person that same person you know. And they're like oh well that doesn't bother me at all now. You're iraq and i'm here for you you know. So that's a really powerful thing that we we need to remember. Everything affects people differently. Yeah that's really powerful. Thank you for sharing that Okay my my next cool sheet is going to be a podcast and this podcast is called grief casts. And it's a british podcast by carry. Ed lloyd in. She has different guests on her on our podcast and they talk about their experiences with grief. Together they share share their views on pain. Loss in the weirdness a happens when someone dies so i think her father died and this is what kind of started that. She was really crushed. She was having a really hard time coping with life after this death and she decided to start this podcast to again. It's kind of that connection. It's telling people that they're not alone and talking about her grief once she could. She couldn't for a really long time but when she could she started having these people on they talked about it and then not only helped her and the person on their show. But you've kind of shared right now. Is once you talk about your experience help. So many other people are so many other people that are dealing with these same kinds of things and and this is something that The did hit me a couple years ago. One of my best friends passed away very suddenly and and that was the first time that i it really hit me You know you lose family members and that is horrible but that so far that has always kind of you've known it's going to happen or you kind of prepare. It's still is horrible but this one was the first time it really shocked me. It took me by surprise. It really hit me really hard and all of our friends. I saw you know two days before she she went and we were talking about getting out of the hospital. She was going through tests she was going to be. We're going to get through it together. And then she was gone just like that and that really hit me and this podcast. I'm actually in a place right now. Where i still can't listen to it all the time i have. And it's such a great podcast. But i wanted to talk about it because i think it will help. A lot of other people So definitely check out the podcast. Grief casts schnelle. That's a fantastic point and tie in that idea about just being aware of grief. Yeah In yourself in another's allowing grief. Yeah that idea. Yeah i think so. Many people and i've certainly done this. They try to just either through distraction or not talking about it. just avoidance. You know coaching it to the side. Putting in away somewhere. And sometimes you have to do that for a while. Maybe you're not ready to talk about it. But eventually i think you need to process these feelings at your of grief when you lose a loved one. Yeah it's a different kind of trauma but it is certainly a draw for shah one of the ones for sure. Yeah and it seems to me that trying to suck it up or trying to ignore it or we don't talk about that. I can't imagine that would ever have long term positive effects it. It just seems like yeah. Maybe the short-term may be now. you'll feel a little bit better if you distract yourself for a little while but eventually And usually builds up and becomes almost worse. No and she is so good at of course. She has a lovely british accent. Yeah she so good at listening to people and knowing win to maybe ask a follow up maybe push a little harder but she really knows to back off to oh she can really gauge when someone wants to talk more and maybe when they're not ready she so good at that and even joke around does joke. She's actually she. I think even in the beginning. She kind of had com- comedians or people that were because everybody deals with loss. But she didn't want this podcast. Be all talking about grief really dark. I mean but just yeah to lighten it up a little bit and be okay with you know sometimes joking or the funnier parts because yeah you wanna you wanna get past that sadness to eventually when you lose someone you want to honor that sadness and and work through it but also get past it and then that will help you remember the good times remember you know the the the things you loved about that person and kind of make it a healthier thing so i really like. That's not an easy thing to do. Though to to make that serious subject and still have light moments. Sure sure she does a really good job with that and she did win a couple. She's won some awards quite three gold prices. The british podcast awards and eighteen. So she's obviously very good at this. Yeah yeah yeah. Fantastic all right. My fourth cool sheet is specific trauma researchers or authors. Who had an effect on me. And the first one i have to mention is dr besset van der kolk. He wrote the book. The body keeps score. Which is the culmination of his forty plus years on the front lines of trauma research. He has been tirelessly researching trauma since before. It was even thing really and to people separately recommended this book to me within a couple of weeks of each other so while i was still in the grip of depression i bought the book and started reading it and i saw myself on almost every page. It was a weird powerful experience. The message you are not alone is absolutely life-giving. Dr gabar matei doctor. That had a huge impact on me. He's from canada. And i watched every video of his i could find dozens and dozens of videos of him talking about trauma and addiction and the connection there author johann hari. He's done a couple of ted talks and there's one of his that i've watched probably three times dr. Nadine burke harris she's the former california surgeon general and author of the deepest well healing the long term effects of childhood adversity. She has a fantastic tedtalk. Dr robert suppose ski. Is this professor. Who's just a legend He's a professor of biology neurology. Neurological sciences and neurosurgery at stanford. And i came across his name. Because i saw these people that that i admire mentioning him and mentioning how much they respect and appreciate him and in looking up more about him. I came across a couple of lectures that he gave on depression dr peter. A levine has been researching trauma for over forty years. Dr vincent philosophy is one of the creators of the the adverse childhood experience study also mentioned years and years ago before his first book even ten ferris told a little bit about his own story of depression and over the decades that i was depressed stories like that. Were like medicine to me when i would read about someone. I admired. who struggled with depression. It would get me through a day or two the businessman and coach jerry. Colona comes to mind also suicides. That made the news. Were were comforting to me. When i was in depression and the reason is i think when you're lost and hopeless stories of hopelessness. Let you know that you're not alone. In the darkness and david foster wallace comes to mind again. That message you are not alone is life giving and life saving shot. Yeah wow yeah. And then tim ferriss he ended up doing it at a talking more about is depression them the most recent one that he had and what i remember raise he he switched it up. He was gonna talk about something totally different. And then he last minute and this is pretty rare for for ted talks. He changed and he goes. You know what. I really want to talk about this because i think he had a moment in his life where it was a close call and he wanted to talk about that and and there have did you mention or have you ever heard the tedtalk from andrew. Solomon i think is his name all and is another one if you haven't seen it yet it's oppressions the secret secret we share. It's another good one if you haven't. He's really good. I sure i've watched it because you probably have. But i can't remember yes a while probably back when i was still yeah. It is an older talk. In fact i went. I went to big ted. He was giving a second one. It's i think it's about something totally different. And i just remember thinking. Wow this guy is a really good speaker. Even for ted which of course they all are but i was like wow and then i looked up and i'm like oh and another one in. I think he wrote a book as well. So you wrote a book called far from the tree. Yeah that sounds thick. Yeah yeah my sister recommended to me. So i haven't i haven't read it yet. Now there you go okay well cool. What's his name garber. Gabar matei abir. Matta cairns talked about him before. He's yeah he does some amazing where either so very very cool all right. Well my next cool sheet is going to be an article and this article ties in a little bit. This is i. I really interested in your take after this one The article is called being alone and it. It came out relatively recently in the me. Look really quick. Author is ed key. Shah shah is possibly who might be pronouncing that wrong by the author and he talks about loneliness. It is usually framed around your relationship to others. Community friendship at family. But that's not the whole picture. It's actually more of a relationship with yourself. And i really like how he framed that. That was one of those things where i instantly was like. Oh that's that's powerful already to feel less lonely. You have to also build a relationship with yourself which requires time alone and free from distraction and that can feel really scary and he kinda goes into the zoom culture that we're in right now so like i said it just came out and it's pretty relevant of how zoom is how the pandemic is affecting us and then how zoom creates kind of social media as well creamy creates this connection but in a very different and not always the best way because it's just a different connection and then what we get when we're when we're in person when we're face to face and he talks a lot about that but also how to how to work on being alone being with yourself working on your own things before you can. And so i think he. He ties into a lot of mental health. And being okay with yourself once you address kind of your own loneliness and being by yourself how can create a greater connection with the people around you. It's a really long essay. That i'm already out of time. So i definitely or it's worth checking out the article being alone sean wow. I don't know that. I've heard of it but that was my experience is when i begin to you Become more aware of my own And negative thinking about myself. When i begin to have a better connection with myself that was one of the starts of of The depression leaving. Yeah huge piece for me and also the definition of trauma is loss of connection with yourself. They what trump is. Apparently that is so difficult on the human psyche when you refused your authentic self oftentimes innocently and unconsciously that is when anxiety depression and according to the researchers addiction in all those things begin to manifest and people aren't even aware that that's the culprit. Dr gabar matei. One of his quotes is quote. It is impossible to have an addiction and not have trauma in quote now. Well but you know when you've lost connection with yourself that's when those other things start happening and people don't know that yeah and so they just think i'm going to be a secret alcoholic or shoot. I wish my spouse wasn't alchoholic or things. Eighty s kicking my butt more than this depression scaring me. And they don't know they they wouldn't even guess that the culprit is they've lost connection with themselves is like with article. Yeah yeah absolutely. And i certainly heard the saying you know before you can love someone you need to love yourself but when i heard that i never really took that in my thinking towards me. It's more of like relationships and it's very true that that statement alone is also talking about mental health right. I mean it's so much more deeper than i remember hearing about it. I just thought oh yeah. I've got to love myself for. He can i guess. I see how that makes sense. And mindfulness is a lot like that. You know when you're when you're studying. Mindfulness it's all about working on yourself. First and then how you that will help you to react to other things and hopefully less than that trauma and you know and just your interactions and strengthen this connection so this is all kind of coming together now like this is happening media. Yeah okay my fifth and final. Cool sheet for today as the people and friendships. That helped me. I didn't talk about my depression during the decades that i was in it and because the depression can fed itself the thought i had was. If people knew what was going on inside they would reject. And i wouldn't be able to take that when to handle that if people knew i was depressed. Much less how i survived. They would think whoa he sure is messed. I don't wanna be around that. But i think a lot of people have similar thoughts and fears that keep them. From sharing their inner pane insecurities and so instead they become alcoholics or addicts or sink into depression or find themselves overwhelmed with anxiety etc. Kind of what we were just talking about seconds ago also. I didn't tell anyone about the depression. Because of the things i believed and these things were caused by and they fed the depression. I mentioned one of them earlier. But during the twenty four years when i was pretty lost and hopeless i had these four beliefs they were. I will always feel this way. One day. this will kill me. i am worthless. I am unlovable and every day. For twenty four years. I saw multiple proofs of those beliefs. My interpreted things that happened as proof of those beliefs. So i didn't tell anyone about the depression because i wasn't going to be around for much longer and it didn't matter to my thinking. There's no reason to worry anyone when i wasn't worth worrying about. And here's a crazy side point that that we've touched on already. It is possible for people to despise or devalue themselves and not even know it narcissism and being doormat. Have the exact same route a sense of insignificance but two to three years before my depression left i started letting people in. I'm not entirely sure. Why start doing that. Part of the reason was. I was more desperate than ever before. I had a sense that i was nearing the end. But i told my wife more of what was really going on. I told my brother and sister more and several dear teacher friends and i started going to a therapist in early january of two thousand and fifteen. I still go to him almost six years later. And i am certain that letting people in was a factor in the depression leaving. Wow well thank you. So much for sharing that cushy all vehicle sheets have been really powerful for me and i know that a lot of other people are gonna connect with these. It's so important. What you said of how you thought if you told people this that that they would immediately like. Oh gosh and and. I think there's people i was like this before before i really started understanding empathy and wanting to learn more but i would. I would just to me. That was almost unfathomable. Because i was like well. No of course. Not your family's gonna they love you but that's not. You could even tell someone. Gosh but that doesn't it doesn't is as much as you. It's for people that don't understand oppression and how deep and dark that can be. It's the it's the opposite to they. The people the have it don't understand that everyone's wet ready to help you. You know like you can't so. It's i don't even know if i'm if i'm saying that right. I'm catching yeah. Yeah yeah it's like people. It's really hard if you don't suffer from depression to to know what these people what people are thinking and how hard it is for them to get out of that and that's why you always need just check in. I try to even check in without you. It's a subtle way just like hey you know howard things go in and really care about what your friends are doing and feeling you know i used to be you know in my twenties and thirties. I was very much smo- an wanna talk about my feelings and again that's another thing not only mental health. But i'm really glad that men are able to express their feelings in ho and and this kind of toxic. Masculinity is getting attention. And we're trying to do it less as well because it's super important. People like i said people are going through so much in. Yeah just constantly checking in with your friends and making sure that they know you're you're here for all. The time is is a good thing but yeah it's really great. Yeah like you say it's it's kind of wild. How many people are struggling or suffering. Yeah i remember. When i was teaching. I was still very much in the thick of of of the depression. Yeah i mean looking back. It is i don't know. Kind of mix of heartbreaking and amazing how bad it was and that i survived it and how good it is now. Yeah but i remember there was a couple times. I couldn't bring myself to say. Please help but there were times when i was. I was so desperate that i mentioned it a couple times because it seemed like there were students who who there and so maybe we were talking about romeo and juliet and i mentioned teenage live. Romeo and and casually mentioned you. I have struggled with depression in the past. I would always say in the past and the two times that. I can remember where i mentioned that kind of casually the bell would ring. Students have five minutes to get to the next class. There was a line at my desk while mr huhne. That's me mr. And i think that's me while mr huhne i. It's been so hard lately. And i would just think. Oh my gosh. What are we doing this this There's a lot of kiddos that need to hear. You're not alone. Yeah and there's hope yeah and have someone to talk to you right. Yeah and you know. That's being a teacher. I've never been a teacher. But i i actually i think we i know some some friends of mine that you're their teacher and and you're always me salem so small that's why i love about it so on the you know the other. They're always like oh grandma's one of my favorite teachers and i've always heard these things. It's on your facebook page or just you know putting together things and it's another one of those things so it's not like from all view on the outside. You're a great teacher. You are happy doing your show and and here you were in this in this depression in this you know yes stretch of where you say and sometimes it was go either way moments but one hundred percent of my students. I feel lucky to know them. There's not a single student that i don't feel that about every sooner i've ever had i've felt was a gift and i just felt thrilled and honored to know them and the students were were pretty life giving to me. Yeah but the behind the scenes was pretty difficult for me. And so i truly enjoy the students. Even though i i often i daily was concerned for them as individuals. And that wasn't my job and there wasn't time for that but It was kind of a quite a bit of emotional and and output to care for that many people at at any depth. But i did love the students and and i'm grateful for him it's cool. It's really cool all right well. My last sheet the swim by fast. My last one is a website and this is the world health organization section their mental wellbeing resources for the public so the world health organization. Of course it's been getting a lot of different attention these days. They basically didn't have much attention raw. Then when the corona virus head to everybody was hugging. And everybody's got an opinion but you know they do a lot of good non just on a pandemic but they also have this really great section of their website our mental wellbeing and like it says resources for the public. I wanted to kind of wrap this up for for more information for people after the here this and again. It'll all be on our website but they have so many good links. They have an meant managing stress and illustrated guide. They can help you. They have a looking after our mental health. So they have resources for that. They have book for children on depression. Of course they have covert stuff even in mental health because the pandemic is affecting our mental health quite a bit so it does tie into that as well but it's a whole bunch of other stuff. That has nothing to do with covert. It talks about depression. What you should know living with someone with depression. So that's another good resource if you don't suffer from it but you know someone like i said. I think everybody knows someone that suffers from mental health or depression in some form and this. There's a section. You're worried that your child is depressed. Worried about the future preventing depression during your teens and twenties wondering why your new baby might not be making you happy so very specific information staying positive preventing depression as you get older because again it could happen at any stage of your life and then it has resources directly. Do you know someone who may be considering suicide. They got a whole section for that. Do you feel like this is from your own self. Do you feel like life is not worth living and It's got videos. It's got resources scott so many different things definitely worth checking out. World health organization section mental wellbeing resources for the public. That's great to have. I mean a subaru reliable source of extremely vetted source. That's you know accessible to anyone anytime. Yeah i've i really love you know. There's tons of good resources. We'll have a lot of them. The ones you've talked about the ones. I've talked about on our show notes but This is just one that was like a big giant sort of because there were so many other things that i wanted to talk about. Sure any of these links. Any of these videos they have a ton of really good videos under oppression Preventing suicide information for health workers. Emergency responders who were dealing with this. Oh just so. Many so many different resources. That i thought. Oh this'll be just a another good way to kind of wrap this whole episode up and another list of resources for everybody. Yeah yeah it sounds like there's some Highly specific yeah resources on their that people will really resonate will really resonate with them. Gosh that's me. I just you know just had the baby or just retired. Why don't why am i feeling this is supposed to be my golden use or whatever you know scenarios or stages. Yeah yeah it has a. It's a it's a good mix of general information and specific which both very important screw. Yeah well grant thank you so much for being on the show is just this is really it was a it was an honor to have you on and to talk about this and thank you so much for sharing your story and yeah you aren't alone and i know that you're going to help a lot of people telling them that they're not alone. I really appreciate it. If people wanna learn more about you or your stories or anything we can do. Follow you on social or stuff like that. Yeah absolutely on on facebook at grant hyun just my first last name together on instagram. Not super active there but again just grant hyun my first and last name together. It's mainly just photos. But i did a little thing on a little series on parenting on instagram. Cu l back. Yeah intentional parenting. Yeah that's kind of your new not new but one of your focuses now at least more recent to me sure ensure parenting and there's a big overlap a big connection with trauma and in parenting. Yeah yeah sure for parents and for children On twitter just get news on twitter again at grant hyun I made a website last year. Called grant on life dot com. Oh cool a g. r. a. n. t. o. n. l. i. f. e. and i started posting videos and texts there on things relating to parenting and trauma and and whatnot and haven't really advertised it or or let people know about it. It just kind of sits there and in every now and then director of someone who contacts me direct them to a specific article on that site. Oh great fantastic. Yeah and then. I had a blog. That i still have done anything with that. I started in the nineties. Allow early blogger. Yeah i think a lot of the stuff in the nineties has gone the way of geo cities if remember that far back but i think the earliest post on the blog now are probably two thousand five but it's not super interesting. I mean it's interesting but not super important or life. Changing kind of stuff might be disabled. There's probably i don't know a thousand law. That's that's great well. Yeah that's that's fantastic and more have all those links honor show notes so if you if you didn't grab all those don't worry go to ten best dot com slash mental health and that'll take you to this show so you can listen to it again. Get all those resources tucked grand if you want to you and Yeah thank you so. Thank you for joining us so much and thank you to all our listeners. Stay curious wanna learn more about this week's cool sheets head on over to ten bestest. One zero bestest dot com for links to all of our cool sheets and sign up for our monthly newsletter with bonus call sheets and other funds stuff ten. Bestest will be back with an all new episode next monday at ten. Am pacific one pm eastern.

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