111: Does Love At First Sight Exist?
This news hello and welcome to him. Sapiens let me. Just check my phones of yes. It is always a step in the right direction when it's christopher sweeney. This is taking extra. It's where we your emails. It's where we go through. Lgbtq plus. It's where we topic of the week this week. It's love of her throat. I've got so much to say. We do agony uncle where we solve your problems. We do culture club where we hear about what you guys are cooking what you're reading what you're watching. You're listening to my favorite. Are and i am so excited about this. Gonna be calling relationship expert. Nedra tab about all things love love at first sight and relationships and boundaries because the topic of the week is love at first sight. I am obsessed with nedra. Use that word lightly. I follow her on instagram. I save pretty much every single one of her post a lot about therapy on this podcast and therapy can be expensive. Nature's instagram account. Anyone who wants to take steps towards investigating whether therapy might work for. You is a free resource for brilliant brilliant advice on relationships and it's very very good. I find it really useful for lgbtq plus stuff because think she's brilliant but first of all what did you think of last week's into m jay rodriguez it. You can always listen again by downloading from your favorite podcasts provider. And told you. I'm out of quarantine. I'm out of quarantine Apartment gotten apartment and the thing about being in australia is. I'm a nervous. Nellie right but there's a law of snakes as little bugs. I've been in the outback. this week. amazing like that. Big red dust. Beautiful country towns driving for hours and hours and hours no signal. It's like another planet is so beautiful. It's bowling hot. All i'm going. Say is my plans for my transitional wardrobe outback. I was thinking desert sheik omar on listeners. So there was me thinking. I'd have a car key moment with a gorgeous hat. No you need to wear full length jeans. Even that's like forty something degrees after a long sleeve. Shirts didn't have any of those. My whole desert sheik look has gone down. The drain could be completely reappraised. I'm thinking maybe like barbra streisand kaftan. Nineteen seventies laurel canyon wafting around. What do you think about that. Because that'll cover my skin loads but us be cool. Oh my god is a kaftan isn't net. I've never directed a tv show. And i wonder if that would be good. But the reason i started this muttering ramble is because there's a lot of insects of wildlife laura snakes in the outback of talking to one of the people i've with i said are there snakes nearest and they're like they're definitely a lot. Nearest have to stamp everywhere. You go so that they go away. I feel like i'm being really english. The ozzy's obviously for us to all the stuff. I walked into a room but it was his unoccupied house that we got into. Because we're looking at it for maybe using filming was in and i turned around my soul the draft exposure on the floor. I thought it was a massive snake. I lost my mind. It was really embarrassing. The thought i was silly which they be right. But anyway what i'm saying all of this is because i call that thing. I can hear a big lazy insect buzzing around this room sometime to look for it because currently it's me and whatever it is wherever it is hosting this podcast together. You've all been writing in with beautiful beautiful messages. Are episode with russell t davies. Just hit a nerve with you all to listen. Please go back and listen. It's in the feed. Russell is a beautiful man. He's a one man who's made the most incredible show that has just connected with all of you. It's in it's cooled is about a group of young people living through the aids crisis. And i mean it stayed with me in the way that those seminal films do proud of using seminal but it was russell's honesty about his own experiences in the interview. I is what really connected with people ruth wrote in. Thank you so much for your incredibly sensitive and open interview with russell t davies this week after watching. It's a sin. I didn't think it was possible to cry anymore. But you interview made me stop in the street and sob- thank you. Thank you for sharing your own experiences and thank you so much davies for creating this roost. My pleasure and thanks much. Taking the time to write in misty on inscribed just listened to the first episode russell t davies story about walking passes on it resonated deeply. A close friend of mine was one of the last generation of young boys beginning to explore their sexuality who did walk through that song door at that age in sydney and died before finishing any making myself a cup of tea and spending some quiet time remembering him and others as always. Thank you for the podcast misty. Thank you so much to get really really sad to hit about your friend. And i have to say i really appreciate you sharing it and i'm really pleased that we were able to help in some way. I'm gonna go very lovely poetic email from taming in canada for him. The interview stood some very personal memories. Good morning chris. Well it's morning here in nova scotia wherever woken far too early to get out of bed in the dark. Chill if this winter day so on your podcast to keep me company until sun rise pulls me out from under my debate. It was a good choice. Your conversation with russell. T davies was the required tonic for my pandemic flavored january. Doldrums in so many ways. Thank you for that tim. It's a pleasure and what you are a poet. What beautifully poetic way. You have writing as a six year old gay man. This current pandemic state has invoked some long very from the early days the hiv aids epidemic. I've been searching other thoughts on the correlations between the two pandemics to help sort out my nations amongst several themes spoke of the home. The notion of the lost generation of gay men is one i happen. Pondering i concur with russell's take on this russell was saying that there isn't a lost generation his opinion because a lot of people did survive. It was more nuanced than that. Have a listen to the upset. So you get the full picture. I don't wanna put words in muddled map about email indeed. It wasn't a single generation and we all didn't die. But i did lose something during that time when instead of coming into my own is i entered my twenty s. Something talked about. I threw myself deeper into the closet. I was about to step out of interesting. In parallel with covert how teenagers and young people in their twenties and not getting to live there times because with covert a lot of people not allowed to go out and it was a means of survival chose. we're living in a small town nova scotia. Apparently it works not unlike russell story of passing the door. A new missing out on the sex party you see. I said you're a perk because you said sex party. I think it's a gang. Bang ever the poet me. I avoided circumstances. That would've otherwise probably lead my naive dick into possible ruin. There's me calling your potent dick thirsty. I mean interesting interesting point. I've long since stepped out into a more fully actualize life. But i did feel that sting of fitting late to the game and circumstance of my environment did slow progress and certainly the spectra of hiv loom. Davor it'll so when this coronavirus started showing up in the news cycle paid close attention seen. I was thinking deadly virus spread by intimate contact. No worries been there done that. But i was taken aback by the unexpected servicing of trauma. I didn't realize we're still lingering i. I went into the new version of the closet. Known as lockdown. It's been interesting times over. would i for main healthy. Tim pleased ahead. he'd been held him so it was traumatic. I totally understand that and it really was traumatic. That first lockton while it's been traumatic thinking about to that particular time and all that it's a very long winded explanation of why. I was very pleased to gene conversation this morning. During which i fought recognized and enjoyed several moments. I am grateful. Stay well tim autumn lovely. You're doing k. And please stand touch right and tell us how you doing. I need more of those poetic messages in my lifetime. Tons of new listeners. So hello new listeners. And you've been writing in. This message is from ed. All the way from new zealand gear. Or chris ed from new zealand but originally from the uk here. I'm an on and off listener of your wonderful cost homo sapiens. I know the puck goes very well. Thank you. I really enjoyed the conversations about what it is to be queen learning about your journey and listening to the attended points of view from the super smart and accomplished guests. They really are not us. I love that you included actively seek out the thought of the wider rainbow community to all of these insights are massive help from my own journey whether that be reversing the shame of growing up in a straight masculine culture. Pushing through my own internal homophobia or just being better human queer. People shame is an all too common narrative one of which i'm enjoying demystifying with other like minded people like yourselves who at i love hearing that quiz shame. Lgbtq shame comes up a lot in this cost. If anyone feels like the need a refresher hit me up and i have found incredibly useful. It's definitely made me happier. Person is all. I'll say so. This is just a small note of gratitude. Say i'm loving a working. Please keep it up. I can relatives have come a long way since my youth in the noughties. It's heartwarming to think about all of the young people who have access to and can benefit from this special podcast. Ed a lovely message jamie on twitter. Hi chris i discovered homo sapiens. Only a month ago. And i love it wells. Could you find patti smith and sue perkins on the same series coming out to my parents in the early nineties was fine but there was always an uneasiness about my grandmother. Finding out i'd even ever heard both her parents and my late grandfather complaining that my parents should stop me doing a performing arts course when i was seventeen as ide. End up a perth. Do you know what that's so funny. You say that jamie. Because i i really wanted to be a fashion designer and the reason i didn't go fashions i knew reason i went into film directing. I thought it was like artie. Might make me bit more birch where it might make. It might make me a bit more straight. Isn't that crazy and here. i am in australia. Directing could be sketching dresses. Back to jamie well. Thanks to tv. Programmes like coronation street. And its various gay characters over the is. My grandmother did become a lovely accepting lady in her nineties. Once she'd met my husband she would give me money at christmas that i always tried to give her back and would make me promise. I give half of it to him all day. She often got his name wrong blazer. That's hysterical. My dad was used cool. My current husband. My ex boyfriend's name always guest jamie. She just goes to show that people can change no matter the age group. Keep up the great work on the sale of jamie jamie. Thank you so much. And he hit that people can change. And what lovely. Stewart love writing into thank you. Andrew on instagram has been in touch high chaps. Love your body image show. It's something i've had to deal with all my life being larger barrier type. I often feel uncomfortable. Skin especially nba's even in those bozzi might came to cater for bears. When in fact they mean. Harry muscled guides fascinating. Isn't that true so funny. Also for the person that asked about the mum's new partner not liking them. Oh so this was the agony uncle question. I did with scotty. Some written saying my mom's got new partner. And i don't think they like me. What do i do. Andrew says i was putting mine to the poem desert dorota which has the line do not distress yourself with imaginings asking people outright. How they feel about you can be hard but often the overthinking and catastrophes about situations can be more harmful very good point about catastrophes ing. It's a balance. isn't it. Because i think we all have a propensity to catastrophes is really good sometimes. Come out with ask but also sometimes feeling aren't you you just know someone's not know someone doesn't like you and i think being gb tiki plus is complication further on that. Oh and then andrew signs off with loving the show still well. Thank god thank you will know. Thank you andrew. Lucy in body image episode feedback. Hello chris really interesting episode today totally understand. Why concentrated on the boys. If you think the issue is engaged male culture and that was also your experienced to it would have been really valuable though if you could have said something like guys. Your lesbian friends know how to beat this patriarchy bullshit. If you talk to them guys your trans friends know all about body. Shame and how to do better if only you listen to them. Gay male coach may have a body image problem but lgbtq plus culture has supportive answers for it too good luck with the show piece of corn team. Thanks lucy and thank you for saying that really appreciate it and you know totally he there. It's something we should always be mindful of like opening this up for everybody. Everybody and we the mercy of who replies put out thing on instagram so please Lesbian compadres or trans compatriots. Please be writing and please be writing into those replies when we ask them on social because we want to keep the really broad because it's totally totally right. It's in a gay. Male culture can really sometimes come to the front. And i am very aware we need to be mindful of that. Because we're in this together as one big family. That is just a trench of the beautiful emails. We got this week. We love so much hearing from you. Homo sapiens is a community is a family. We are nothing without your messages with your emails without your voice notes so please email your comments questions. Agony uncles too. Hello savings per customer. Come get in touch on instagram. Mississippians on facebook mississippians podcast view. That's my attempt to jingle but petipa petipa pepper was that from. pop. Gem is proper bumper. Can you tell. I spend a lotta time by myself. These biden overturns trump transgender military ban biden harris. Welcome welcome where have you been. All of our lives is bbc. President joe biden has repealed donald trump's ban on transgender americans joining the military bam woods announced by mr trump during his first year in office is say that the white house has now said that transgender servicemembers will no longer be subject to the possibility of discharge or separation on the basis of gender identity. There were eight thousand. Nine hundred eighty active. Gt transgender troops in two thousand nine hundred. According to the department of defense data president biden believes that gender identity should not be about military service. And that america's strength is found in its diversity. The white house statement added transgender rights. Were addressed early by the biden campaign. Here's the first president pledged support to the community in his victory speech in november following his. Win the president-elect biden directly address the trans community tweeting his administration will see you. Listen to you and fight not only for your safety but also the dignity and justice. You have been denied. There's much to be done to help. Bring the welled up to speed with trans brothers and sisters and those who define as neither but this feels like progress. It warms my cockles to use a very english thing buzzing back. You can't see him but you can just hit them and when it's like sunny which means they're lazy is lazy tired at the news when they've been eating fruit and they got a bit drunk and i'm worried that stinky more easily easier to piss off cars it okay so it's time for topic of the week. We go valentine's day coming up in a couple of weeks. I think that's a really interesting time of year. Lgbtq plus people because it can be great it can feel quite excluding confirmed very caters to sis straight people. But you know we all can. We can all celebrate to in our own way. And i think this is a place where we can talk about it for what it means for our communities. I really i want you to please write and tell me what valentine's day means for you where you do feel catered and seen where you don't but the question for topic of the week is love at first sight does it exist. Yes or no and the results were but a fifty two percent of you said yes. You do believe enough at first sight. Forty eight percent of you said nine no way jose. A real variety of responses. Jj berlin said lust at first sight. A lot of people saying that in a who was voice nate last week. She said she believes in lust. At first sight and infatuation love comes later. Emily robinson says i do believe in love at first sight. I think you can have a spark of undeniable chemistry with someone and that's a form of because it's pure and natural basic instinct defying logic and succumbing to the butterflies. How beautifully put craven says absolutely even in the dark room of a sex club you can have lover. I well armistead maupin said that actually. Didn't he said you can tell an a- boston by that touch in a darkroom never been to dock. We might actually that is not to. I happen to dot com. I went with my friend and we held hands on the way through because we are scared and then there was definitely stuff going on. I mean what was. I expecting a darkroom. But yeah no. I'm old romantic. Just want to chat. Didn't that's what people want to do in them. As it tingle back says yes. It happened to me. Sarky says hockey seven connection at first sight. The rest is hard work and commitment. I agree demirbas. Says yep. I've been happily married for twenty one years go for it. Well i'm going to take this question to netra. 'cause i personally have. I love my husband. The moment i saw. I looked at him so he was standing outside a nightclub at nighttime time round and i saw him my brain said in my head when it's it's him and i fell in love with him. In my humble opinion. I fell in love with him in that moment and i have been in love with him ever since and it's been nine years i think it's been on. Youth draws lines crosses rhythm on the wall in the bedroom. And that's how he council years. Dinner should be worried by the f. Carom says no that. That is just homemade's assumptions made on a parents presentation few homa into let me tell. You if analyzes yes. I fell in love with my husband when we were first met together for twelve years. Now lovely i've one fork says no the boys i fell for mostly turned out to be wessex. Listen 511 you've gotta kiss a lot of rogue seventy. Let's go into more detail with some lovely voice notes. let's f. i think. I do believe in love at first sight. It only happened to me once think he was for sight. I cannot describe as anything else. What happened was i was invited to this coffee for an event and a soon as they stepped into the coffee. Something quite amazing happen. I saw this person and it was like oh the focus to suddenly one to them like a stage light being cast upon them all of a sudden and was like justice to of existed at that moment so they turned around and looked at me and smiled and i smiled back and it was like they were shining. We stuttered say one started talking. And i felt so comfortable natural like we already met. We knew each other conversation was flowing so naturally and it was so interesting as well after that we decided to go watch. The lunar eclipse was supposed to be around moon. Moonen rosa was quite nice. We walked around the city trying to find a good spot and we ended up meeting a lot of their friends. Along the way as well we stayed until everyone had left and lay down on the grass looking at the stars and hugging tightly. And i remember such a warm feeling so cozy. I felt like i was a home but yeah we ended up dating for two years after all. That's so lovely and screaming about that spotlight and stuff like it happens. Makes me think that love affair site lost i. It doesn't matter. It's a feeling instant familiarity when that happens if someone is absolutely magic thin. Hi chris i don't believe in site i believe in lust site and lost. Is you know when you're on the street you're ball and you see that person in your heart pounding and nervous and they beautiful in your is the charm whatever but realistically that love is quite fleeting and when you get into a relationship with that person. It doesn't necessarily last very long. Yeah so i think it's lust at first. I love because you don't necessarily love that person thanksgiving. It's funny thing about falling in love with someone on the train. Isn't it because we've all been there like you look across person and you see them and they go just attractive and i think that moment is about is possibility. You look over and you go. This could be ever thing because it's really lovely an extremely convenient to project onto that person all the things you want to happen in your life and make them a version of themselves that you actually don't know and i think what develops from that. If let's say you get together with that person on the train. I never did. Someone did hit on me on the plane. Once there. i am going to sidebar toy story. So there i am on a plane. It was four rows across in the middle. Was i being fling club note. I was reading a script. My lovely friend had written with really good. So i was on one end. The four seats he was on the other. This guy kept looking over and then he went to me across to people who in the he cooled across. Are you a teacher. 'cause writing on the script says writing my thoughts for my friend jamal. My thoughts and as i was very handsome by the way he said. Oh you teach her because you're making something and like the people in between us. He knew that with the lean squish the head back into the seat so you can have your conversation like this is profoundly awkward as i earn. No i'm not teacher. I'm just reading. Something is okay. So what are you reading. Oh my god here we he. Then i go off the plane. I was walking to the taxi with my cabdriver and then the guy appeared in the copper walking towards me holding a piece of paper like up and he just walked straight at me on my god. My heart was beating so far. 'cause i did find him really attractive but still in that weird point where i was like i didn't i would definitely him on the taxi driver to know. You know what. I mean so much shame so bonkers and he said this is for you and he had to be a card and it said hello. I just wanted to say. I think seem great. And if you'd ever like to go for a drink my name is dr dot and you know it's not crazy. I never went for a drink with him. I did text him. Say thank you said. Thanks so much for your message anyway. Back to lust at first sight. Well maybe that's what he had. It was love wasn't it was looking pretty good. Mid twenties probably ten. But you have those moments where you fall in lust at first sight and they can develop. But you're projecting on someone all the things that you want them to be. And i think they do develop into you know it kind of has to have slightly lost the threat of autumn saying i must apologise looking for shows that. Blow your mind and characters. You'll never forget well. Amc plus has the best entertainment from amc bbc america. Ifc sundance an shudder. Love a good binge-watch checkout one of amc's most watch series the gripping western hell on wheels nita new obsession. Don't miss what. Entertainment weekly is calling one of the year's best series gangs of london plus watch the hotly anticipated brand new season of a discovery of witches and catch up on season one right now all available ad free and on demand sign of amc plus dot com amc. Plus only the good stuff. It's another little voice. Nate from john stringer stringer paula. Jonathan getting the senate. There's a dot in from just trying to make sure i get it right okay. His message from john from my experience with queer folk. you're either good mates nikon. You have sex immediately ins loads of passion and relationships stuff or your mortal enemies phonetics formation. Just my opinion but an answer to the question. Love affair cy. I think as far more complicated than that very funny. We are more complicated in that. We are deeply com. Black people we all. Everybody is gay straight fisher foul. Did you hear that. This is like a sort of very low level version of that film. Arachnophobia sort of being haunted. There is come to be okay. Hang on just by the window saturday. Hi fi forty hand to hand combat indiana jones. Back to what you were saying about about love at first sight we could message from goodly here. Sorry for pronounce them. I think everyone. I think that whether love at first exists depends on your perception of love. So for example in hungarian we have two words for love or means a static. Emotion that you feel someone and the other one is more like this crowd relationship with the person Now in the first context. Yes i think it is possible to have an instant connection with someone which could be referred to as love at first sight but those who argue against love at first sight i think they need to consider different perceptions. I think so for example i personally feel that i had love for for the first site with my boyfriend but that is not the same love that i feel for him. These days Yeah it's such an interesting. It's interesting point. How love develops and grows. We sort of like the fact that love does change. And there's nothing wrong with that. And i think the inflow between them is an important thing and it's just a nasty makes me think of the idea that just because when you're going out with someone like if it changes that doesn't mean it's failing because first moment is never gonna last forever and that's okay. You're eventually going to get to the place where you're talking about. Who took out the been laden. Thank you so much. Well this beautiful notes. I think it's time to fold in. The genius is netra tabs. She's a therapist relationship boundaries expert and her writing. Instagram is just full of useful tips on how to improve your relationship with others romantic fool. Not so i'm going to call her and we're gonna get straight into it. How are you. i'm good how are you. i'm well. I'm excited to be here today. So is there such thing as love at first sight. Yes you found it so it has to be right. Has to be true because it happened to you. Yeah i i definitely think there is connection at first sight love. Maybe but i definitely prepares an instantaneous connection. We feel that with romantic interest. We feel that with friends. We just feel that sometimes. Yes that absolutely is possible. love I believe we can have loved quickly at first sight I think it's that connection that we're feeling so some people have spoken about the idea of projection. So this idea of love at first sight is actually problematic. Because it's about you projecting your idea of what you want onto this person. It's always going to be unfulfilled. Because dot isn't real. I think off things are possible and i think that perhaps because all things are possible you could meet someone who maybe you are projecting but they can fulfill those things We'd like to think of the worst case scenario where typically people won't be able to fulfil it but in some cases. They may be able to to you. Do not so beautiful work with kind of relationships and how to improve them and perhaps tools. And i wanted to ask you a bit about that. If there's anything specific that you encounter that you think is good advice for. Lgbtq plus relationships in specifics. Interesting article At the beginning of quarantine and it was about how how people in lgbt q. Plus relationships are managing the pandemic better than people in heterosexual relationships because they have more thoroughly discussed gender roles and so that piece of things made it way more easy for them to deal with my kids at home and rose in the household in those sorts of things and the article was really about what we can learn lgbt couples. Because it's such a big piece of relationships figuring out what your relationship will look like and not necessarily saying this is you know. This is masculine These are the roles. So i think that having those conversations which lgbt couples already do in lots of instances sometimes that doesn't happen in air some arguments about it. And when i see them in therapy we certainly talk about this Belief that someone is more masculine than the other person or someone is more feminine in the shoot. It was certainly. The conversation is talked about more openly and that is a very healthy thing to talk about the distribution of tasks because many couples. That's a big argument. Who's going to do the dishes. Who's gonna follow the clothes who will make the doctor's appointment. Who's buying gifts for christmas. All of these sorts of things although small become really big things because you are living in a space with a person that you're sharing all of these pieces with especially now that we're in a pandemic. It is so important that we're talking about these household on roles and duties and not basing it on gender and femininity and masculinity if it does not work for relationships. I suppose one of the things that you have spoken about a lot is the communication. Is this massive thing in relationships that people don't do and i know personally like in my relationships like so often i've been able to went up in doing well. It it obviously will fail all the time. But i've been like how much of what's going on in my head. I communicated how much of i not said. this is what i want. Oh this is what i would like to happen. Yeah it's really hard to Communicate our needs especially when we assume that people should just know things so because people don't have the same level of our say common thing game in sense but common thanking as it creates a lot of issues in relationships and we have to advocate for ourselves. Always so if there is something that you want. It is very dangerous to assume that this other person understands that you have that knee people and not in a very selfish way but people typically just aren't thinking about us they aren't and what's the way to bring the up in a relationship. That is kind of the least confrontational. One is a so that bringing something up causes conflict because when we assume that we go into it with this energy that might cause conflict. Sometimes we can just bring up stuff just like you know at this to the grocery lists and that same sort of energetic towel all very guilty of being overly defense if someone asks or something there. Is this idea that when something is set to us. We have to defend ourselves. I got a funny question yesterday. They see it. Do i defend myself without being defensive. And i immediately thought will defend is in there so i think that is being defensive. I suppose it's just the power of apology and relationships without thinking that makes you having lost a point. Because i think not so common. Isn't it as humans. We don't always get it right. It doesn't mean that where you know bad people. In one day. I go from vienna. The best mom ever to mom. I can't believe you did that so you know. We have multiple feelings about people throughout the day. All it doesn't mean that we don't love and other any other elements of relationships that you think areas that come up a law that you like to share about all analytic when not trying to change people. There are some things that we could change or shift just a smidgen by mentioning to them. Hey can you do this instead of that. But when we have these these character flaws we don't lie about people. These big personality deficits those are things that we cannot change if you have a partner. That is chronically late. i just don't know how you can make this person be prompt. What you can do is change the way that you interact with their lateness. So maybe you can drive separately. Maybe you can remind them earlier. Maybe you can you know like what can you do on your in. But you can't make them like hurry and get to be this timely person. They could do it for them sales if they wake up one day and say hey i want to change my character and i want to start being on time everything but you can't make them do it but what we do is we try to tell people over and over. You're always late you're always late. You're always late. you're always late and it really frustrates us. Instead of just accepting this person is always late and if anything anything about it because some people are again. They're not bad people is just. We're all different. It's fascinating is mixed. It's like you got to love people for who they are and they're not perfect but also share you on the other hand saying know share when you feel a certain way about the spurs it's about measuring which one is appropriate which time me and my sister like. We don't really travel to places together. 'cause she's always really late so i just go. Hey i'm just gonna go my and that's not a failure. It's actually how does this work best for us. You're embracing who she is. Yeah i mean it took us thirty years to sometimes. It takes a while. But you're embracing who she is. But i think lots of times. We will try to fight with that person to be like us and that creates a lot of tension in relationships. Were we're trying to encourage someone to be like us as if we're right. If if people are on a different schedule program they have a different personality. How do we embrace who they are without losing. Our minds tried to change them very quickly. I just wanted to talk about your book but it wasn't us it's sort of something. We slightly skirting around in relationships. That people don't talk about stuff and they talk about problems until they've got bigger. Why do you think that is other some tools to try and help. One tool is talking about problems when they're small and not allowing them to car and build. I encourage being petty. You know some people are like. Don't be petty. don't bring up everything. Please bring up everything if there's one time where the dishwasher is not loaded say something so you're not saying something. It's the twentieth time and by the twentieth time you feel like the hawk and you're like whoa like wow where is this energy coming from is because it's the twentieth time but i wonder how it would have felt the first time you know if we just mentioned things where the when when we have an issue with them when they're very small it makes things a lot better and just not allowing those things to kind of up veal and now we got a whole. You know spreadsheet of offenses dates and all of this talk about it when things are really small. How do you know us that issue because it bothers you is something you think about or you. Your life I wanted that. Those are things that you need to talk about in your relationship if you let something go on for far too long and you know maybe you're listening to this and you're like oh my gosh. I need to say something. It's okay to do that too. Don't make a whole meeting out of it. Just say it. Just spit out. You do have the right word. Sometimes people are like. I don't know what to say. And then they say the exact thing they're supposed to say so they don't. They'll say something. I i don't know what to say. My boyfriend is really getting on my nerves because he's always bringing up my ex. That's what you say right there. Say that hey. A lot of the fear is perception. What will they think. How will things turn out once. I say this thing is gonna ruin us and really what ruins relationships is not talking about stuff. You'll be surprised. How many couples on talk about sex before they start having and people will say. Oh my gosh. The sexist horrible. Did you all talk about like your references up. And this is a you know so pertinent. Lgbtq plus people. Because you've got so many full women talk about the fact that there is a top and bottom row in in with women gay women as much as their with gay men and there's a lot of shame around it people went took about it. It's really a constant issue is really hard to have a front end of a relationship actually so format. Lgbt clients one of the things we talk about is when to bring up sexuality in a relationship in it not be. Hey i want to have sex. But just what are your sexual preferences and posing it as. I am asking for compatibility reasons not for hails hookup today. But this is a compatibility question just like. Where do you live because maybe if you live in australia we can't date so these are court and things to know if you are atop or about like these are important things no in a dating situation not because we need to have sex today because we need to see if we're compatible So true now you're reminding me slightly the word boundaries and so it's gonna make me segue to your book so boundaries is quite sort of therapy word that can mystify people but and to stage left nedra who has gone and created a book that will demystify. And i'm going to say change your life tell us a bit about it. So this book is the book that ag wish i had to describe what boundaries are because it is this huge concept and often. We don't even know where to begin. And so this book walks you through so many stages of boundaries so one what is a boundary. Why do we struggle with them. And my favorite part about the book. Is i give language on what to say in several areas so liberal vantic relationships with family friends. Work all of these things like. What do you say what you do. Because even if i say a boundary is a way to communicate what you need in a healthy way riot people are so what is that in some hope. It really helps to have a plethora of examples in so many areas of your life. You'll know like okay. This is a boundary thing it so specifically relevant the tiki plus community because lgbtq. Plus people are often baked into people pleases. Because they feel on the back foot already there's lots of other subjects chins of society who also have the same thing but it just learning about that. It's really interesting. Once you pointed out the idea how often people crossed them. It's fascinating to everybody. You have to get an actress book and thank you for writing it because it really is. It's a life changing concept. Once you understand it particularly lgbtq plus people netra. Can i ask you because you are very well placed given you written a book to answer this. Agony uncle question we get our listeners. Reiten with the agony uncle questions. Which i think. I'm not quite sure what they call that in the us someone writes in with a problem. Maybe we call it riding in with a problem. Now you did say just say it. Didn't you know this is a very short question and it just says. How do i start a book that is within me was really interesting. Always with doing something for ourselves is like we have to find the capacity to do it but if our job was to write a book for someone else would be able to do it fell. So i i like to think of creating this as a job for yourself and just like you would for any other job really giving yourself a time line goals and placing time constraints on when you do it and not just saying. I need to write a book. There's a book in me. Okay actually sit down as if this is your job. Yeah i i think one thing i do when i like my personal projects alongside my. This is one of them when i do personal projects which just involve me like writing. Why do is two. Things should think a useful for this person. One is put in. Your calendar is an actual event of four hours of writing in the afternoon because often you don't put these personal projects in your calendar. The mean you sort of think something. Some gap is going to appear somewhere where you'll do it so put it in time and also do another thing which is sit down and budget. How much time you need to take and how much work you need to do. Elsewhere in order to cover the cost of doing that. You know so if it's going to take you day a week. Can you get some extra hours in your job or whatever to try and cover that time you know deal with it as a true and real project like you're saying i think that enabled you to make real because often these personal projects. You do them in your spare time but everybody worked so hard. You're tired when it's your spare time. You can try and find a financial way that you can incorporate into your data into work life as well can be really helpful. I agree you have to schedule it. Like it's a real thing and not just have it as a dream a life go but this is something that you can do today and it just takes you putting the time towards it yet. James clear is a writer. He has written something about just if you look at his book. tomac habits told me. I love that book. Gray internet book and my book better by nitrous. I everybody there came. He's been number one already. Let's get to the top. Thank you so much for taking the time you're welcome. It was such a pleasure. I felt like i wanted to. I writes down what she's thinks. I do i do i do. She's just my favorite follow her everybody. She's at nedra tower. Apetit w. w. a. b. on its grant and out burgers hours coming out in a few set boundaries. Find peace guide to reclaiming yourself if the title is expected to be out of a sixty march twenty twenty one that leaves me with just enough time to talk about culture club. What have you been watching. What have you been listening to you so film and tv. There's been so many shoutouts this week for seoul. Berlin new pixar films. Let's have a look at that exchange. Newts and the great pottery throwdown. You've all been watching it. Sin as well. It would be remiss not to point out. Sam pleased to see that grundy's been watching lupin ephron china has been watching pose and terror and residents. Say that georgia's been watching tiny things on netflix tanna. Ten and lgbtq plus representation has low e. h. Five one one three has been watching the prom. That's very exciting. Show actually echo up has been watching star trek discovery great scifi drama and it's full of lgbtq plus characters. We're talking to mj about. That whitney and mj rodriguez last week about sort of sci-fi lgbtq plus allegories interesting. That's not good characters now. So do you know. I've been watching. I've been watching married at first sight. Australia i say funny how they put this dramatic music under every single minute. But i am herk te. Go and watch it. You will not be disappointed. Andrew prior fabulously has been watching the undoing watching night stalker but not a van and shamefully been watching real housewives. No shame here on amazon's andrea you watch real housewives to your to your. What's its content. how do you see what is that saying. Why have i forgotten listening to. You've been listening to abba. Sos oud an sister. Sledge lost music m. Stevens has been listening to sign the family stone. Having a retro moment here cindy has been listening to years and years. All if amuses in it's a sin so that they are crossing armor. God jack lopez has been listening to max rick to voices. I write to them music. It is beautiful. Max richter so soothing. Donnie love has been listening to the men that will not be blamed for nothing steam punk music. So that's my air conditioning. Remote control never far from me. Let me tell you. Armadillo cooking bending lots of salads. The food here in australia is so good. They amazing vegan food here. Joe joe has been making cauliflower cheese with cabbage. I love the idea. I want to try this. Please send judge beth's making marmalade as a great idea if anyone's lockdown some time on their hands fable when sam ba- making special brownies sam. I think i know what you're getting it. Jim jong il has been making fish tacos yum every senior has been making vegan cheesy broccoli. Hash brown bake my god yum recipe brother minimalist baker. Police are not in and cindy has been making bread. Easing spent grain of my home brew. Oh my god say beer and bread. I mean that's dinner. My book talk about it and she took next week. We've got adam. K on the podcast. Adam kay wrote an incredible book called this going to hurt. Which was the secret does of a junior doctor in the nhl in the uk. The humor but truthful truthfulness of his book went like wildfire across the uk because the world sorry he outsold michelle obama with his book. It was the most truthful. Poignant thing i've read for many years. He's coming to chat about all sorts of stuff about him and his life done. Unbelievable stuff with activism has really affected proper change within mental health support for nhs workers who right now. it couldn't be a more personal time to talked at him to talk about the hardship of being on the front line which are beautiful. Nhs work ding day in day out. we also took a lot about being lgbtq plus in medicine how medicine can cater to lgbtq plus people on the specificities of what that means plus hilarious stories from adam hilarious story by his grandmother. Oh my god. I can't wait for you to head of the chain for that next week. In the meantime please email us your comment to questions. Agony uncles to hello homo sapiens. Podcast dot com. Get in touch with stay connected on instagram. Which is at mississippians. Podcast on facebook. And if you want to get a t shirt or sweater it's ever pressed ford flush recipient. I think got already said that. Four hundred there. Get yourself threads. Please send in your photos of you wearing the t shirt. I love it when you send them in. We'll share them on social. Well listen listeners. From me and the who has now been released into freedom. It's been emotional. It's been an absolute delight to be honest. It's been love at first sight for me and you wonderful listeners. It always has been. I cannot thank you enough for contributing to the show telling us wonderful thoughts and making it. What is love hearing from you. It's been lovely chatting tear. I'm going to birthday party now. I've been invited to birthday party outdoors in beautiful adelaide sunshine. Say i'll be reporting back on that in the meantime loads of love bye. This episode is brought to you by nourished by nature made the number one pharmacist recommended vitamin and supplement brand nourishes a personalized vitamin regimen customize. To you back. By forty five years of science they removed the guesswork from your vitamin regimen with thousands of happy customers nourishes. The trusted supplement brands by many visit. Nourish dot com to create customized package today traditional medicinal. We look to mother nature for all her healing gifts. We believe the plants can do some pretty amazing things. That's why we use medicinal herbs like echinacea eucalyptus ginger in our tease to help soothe and support your body. Naturally every which way we turn mother nature is there to remind us that. She's got her back. Visit traditional medicinal dot com and use code. Well twenty to see what makes our tease so incredible.