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124. Vicky Vox

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This week's episode of query is brought to you by the financial confessions every week. On the financial confessions host Chelsea. FAGIN gets the most interesting people to share the truth about money. Mistakes mistakes and hard numbers they normally never talk about. Learn how people like Graham. Stevens Ingrid Nelson Gretchen. Rubin and Ashley C.. Four navigate money and learn about money in a way. You can actually really understand. Start listening to financial confessions today at the Financial Diet Dot com slash podcast. That's the financial diet dot com slash. podcast best this is Vicky box and I have a podcast. How doing doing great and what I plan on doing is Carol Card to ask people from questions they might not have thought I was gonna ask them doing? Great is the podcast that have covered on Monday. January twenty seven on Fisher or whatever the hell you can find podcast that we will be. This is a show about individual experience and personal identity. There may be times when folks use identifying words or phrases. That don't feel right to you. That's part of what we're exploring here. Please listen with an open heart and as always I welcome your plate engage feedback and I encourage you to continue the conversation in your own life and with your own community welcomed. Hey Queiroz Cami me here first of all I want to tell you that Philadelphia already sold out in my book tour and we had a second date also. DC sold out and we can't add a second date. So if you live in Los Angeles New York Boston Chicago San Francisco Portland or Seattle. Get get your tickets. Now at Cameron US busy dot com slash tour. I think all the dates will sell out. Also let's say you don't live in one of those cities but you would like to preorder my book because it massively massively will help me to get on the New York Times Bestseller List will then you could go to save yourself book Dot Com and pre-order it right now. I swear I'm very proud of it and it's it's really fucking good. Hey this week on the podcast we have got Vicky. Vox Awesome Drag Queen and the host of New Year will show. I'm doing great with Vicki. Vox and you know what. Here's something else about little cameras. Zito number one. We a lot of fun in this interview number. Two around and forty five minutes in we also had a very serious discussion is bringing to you as an interviewer joking around and laughing and hand asking you about your childhood enjoy be land still. Nope no careless. I always have guests introduce themselves. Will you introduce yourself go for like right. Now you're like right now I vicky. Vox and I've done a lot of stuff and a lot of things but I'm here on today's podcast. Because I wanted to be how about that. Yeah that's in the INTRO We have hey you know what it's what I'll go and say. We have different styles on the Mike Doc Different. Because I'm big and I'm just used to being a little aggressive. Yep We that is how you that is. That's like that's how you are operating in the world your energy that bringing decided that since people look at me like I'm a wrecking ball. I might as well be on purpose. Wow Shit yeah fair enough I'M GONNA take that back in on. It isn't what happened. I don't even know 'cause we hugged a second ago. How tall are you about five and a bunch I think is five eleven? I don't really know I do. Have My doc martens on today though. Oh Shit is this. What is this what you have looked like your entire life? This is what I have looked like my entire life. I've always been some weird mixture out how you know what I was just thinking about this in the mirror today I was looking at myself and I said girl before there was not binary there was. You just looked at myself from what I've always been kind of like in the middle of staff. Sure yes go ahead. No No. Let's fire. I was as a kid. They called me miss before anything where where are you from. Where are you from Jersey? I'm still sovereign. Oh I mean the congrats to Jersey out. There's another read there which is good for them. Yeah they're lucky them very welker. Yes you grew up in Jersey and yes South Jersey I. Yeah I know what you're talking about. I've been I've been into this but it's also kind of busy though. So Yeah Weird yeah wait talk to me about the rough part well those were there like the formative formative years of school middle school high school. If you didn't fit in they would force you fit in share. What was going on with you physically like did you have along ease long hair have on here now? I didn't then. My mom always forced to get the nice little boy cut. Why can't you just get a boy cut? Well because I went long flowing locks nice long flowing I just want some long flowing locks. Yeah absolutely and I remember when you're in middle school. I dyed my own hair. It was off for. What are we talking about here? Because like dark-haired did you do. You tried to bleach it and you go. I tried to bleach it but I thought I was going to get myself. Highlight just one just a single highlight towards the front and it turned somebody's orange. I went swimming and it turned to somebody's green so I was real cute and there was actually a soccer player and I shaved my head to look like the soccer. The player of the World Cup team will was his neck. Tony Tony Meola. But it was like shaved around the side. He had a ponytail on top. I try to racket Garri. I really did you had shaved around the orange. I was to go far these pictures. I feel like I know. Oh that Hairdo from like a certain era. Yeah it was. It was a moment. There's a lot of in the nineties. There was a lot of people bleaching their own. Here For me I I kind of had a similar thing where like I never have dyed my hair until recently but when I was in high school I did try. Try to do the thing of like. I don't know his printing like a lot of like Sunan slash large all the Senate Yahoo in that combination but then going into the going in the sun and then forgetting that I was also on the swim team transitioning right into that and my hair sort of turned almost like gray. The way that people learn now having like a silvery do on purpose and that was it was it was an accident was in. I was a senior in high school. I'd gray hair. Nobody else did it. Didn't it did not look good. Feel good you know what great question. No I think that like so when I started high school I was trying very hard to like. I went to Catholic school. I had NISSAR. I'm totally listening. But you have great teeth and it's mesmerizing. Thank you oh fuck yeah. Yeah when I started high school had like knee socks platform whole thing. Steve Madden's on this stuff skirt art then. By the time I was a senior had gray hair unlike choker an only wore pants there was a there was a big transformation. I see what happened what what happened was that and I've talked about this before. But what happened was that I got a long term boyfriend and I think that once I had a a boyfriend that I felt a little bit like I could kind of fuck around with what was going on with me. I have that part on lock. Let me go play over here it also if anybody was like wait what is this mean means nothing this. Yeah this is this is unrelated to anything right. Yeah okay so you had little boys haircut. I tried everything girl I really did tell because you just said senior year and I remember. It wasn't my senior prom. It was somebody senior prom. But I had now I had red highlights that I had done myself again from my box and I had it also done a bunch of fake Tan and we went to Prom and my sir ended up orange. But it's okay because I knew how to party it. It was fine were you. Well liked. I wouldn't know if you asked me no but if you saw the fact that I was running around and doing everything thing with everyone I was probably had a lot of friends I mean I would say if I saw the person who had the orange shirt with the red that would be. I would have a lot of affection for that person. It's like I feel like we're all orbiting that but it doesn't happen to all of us so that person that that really like shows that that terrible teen feel like like to me. That's that's a very lovable person. But maybe doesn't feel that way from the inside but we've looked at that way. Did you have strong social life. I mean I was doing a lot of extracurricular activities like there was one year. I didn't even have a lunch because I had an extra math class. So that the next here I have another course. Sure sure I was in all the plays I was outside of school. I was actually in a show choir that traveled around rounded toward and stuff. I have until now I feel honored. How `bout in terms of people interpreting that as quickness was was that happening because the presentation stuff that I was doing I was clearly peacocking but like I feel that if again if you were not me or in my immediate family you knew what was going on this vacuum not me? I feel like I was trying to get myself to understand who I was then. Even it didn't make sense. Although there was a point in my life that I think he was in middle middle school that I would pray at night to guide to either we can be up as a man or a woman but please make sense of this Shishir like every night like come on. Please just make some sense of this. I don't know what it is but I never happened. It never happened but do you think the drag made some sense of that. Oh once drag happened in my life I feel like I as a person can breathe freely. Oh well but in a way that like it. It was like a piece kind of a thing. That's now all my crazy. All of that experimentation everything has a place to go and then I can just be get home and sit down and go. WHO's the first drag show you saw? Do you remember. I don't remember the first drag show I saw. I will do remember seeing two on on food at my grandmother's house. I walk down into the basement. And they're watching this. What's that how does the how does not asking US began behalf of the drag community but also I am how? How does the Drag Community feel about that movie? I or like 'cause there's some confusing. I was watching road house the other night literally two nights ago because it was on TV which is if if you're listening to podcasts? You know what I'm talking about. It's like a Patrick swayze movie. Where for some reason him being a bouncer at a bar makes him very locally powerful totally make sense when you look back at it like he's taking on the the economic? The economics of a depressed town are all linked back to him bouncer. He's really he's really responsible for a lot but also so beautiful. It's beautiful person to watch move incredible and then Patrick swayze also is one of the stars of food and I feel like I haven't seen it in a long time but I was thinking about about the movie and how there's it's not totally. That movie came out kind of at a time when like there was a in my mind. Some misunderstanding standing about what the differences between somebody. WHO's Trans and somebody WHO's a queen? One thousand camp so that movies kind of writing a line where it's unclear. What so so much of it is on your but for my own personal perspective? Yeah it was the first time I went. Oh you can do things like this. Yeah and didn't even get to watch it. 'cause I got outside. I tell young but you could do things like this now. Living as a person in the world as a professional professional drag Queen Cross Changer. You go none of this is realistic. RIGHT AIN'T NOBODY GONNA sit up wrapped up like a Christmas Ham. It's twenty four hours a day and also opening and also like that is a A. The premise of the movie also relies on the idea that multiple people in a small town. It's the Queen's are passing as women which again is like. There's some really complicated aided stuff in there like all mixed in together we are presenting twenty four hours a day as is right limit in their purse. Oh that's a different thing than what we know drags. There's a lot going on that being said He. I could totally understand being affected by that because I was affected by that movie. Those as a message of it at the end is that we're all drag queens so beautiful so loving and and also really take care of each other really take care of each other and even though they don't like each other and also like seen Patrick swayze and Wesley Snipes and it was the straight man playing these parts parts to me. Now as an adult goals dots read it was read. I mean again if these are supposed to be Trans Women. That is super problematic if that they can we reorganize the script so that it's not so that that's not included at all because beautiful Patrick swayze like a teen heartthrob and also a trained dancer. So not fucking it up which really matters to because there's a world where this movie would just be like poking fun at the drag throw away way. Yeah yeah but it's not no and he did. They don't John Lee also like they do not treat everything like a punchline. They are hysterical yes they they are not the punchline right. If that makes sense is touching Nathan Lane in the birdcage. Where you're low? Yeah it's such beautiful it's me there's so much to love in those characters it is just. It's it's unfortunate that some movies that I love so much and that makes so much sense or just like written at a time when it like I did like a few more edits thousand. It's about how the fact that it got made. I can't believe that that movie. I actually got me all the time it got made. I know and that's also in my head wife summit so much of it is the way it is because they did have to get it passed certain approval approval right true which makes legal. Yeah as also I mean a posthumous shoutout to specifically typically Patrick swayze and cannot imagine being an actor in making that choice. Like it's so I'm going to take that a step further. Wesley Snipes at the Black Man in America. Fuck yeah come on. Yeah did that. Yeah that's true you're right. They each of them played like such an integral role in my own personal. We're talking about this movie but and my own personal life when I look back you realize they really did play a part and John. Leguizamo was playing a trans character. But it wasn't said that it was a trans character. Yeah Yeah I mean it's it is something that I feel like everybody listening to. This should see like yes knowing that it's there are some like really you don't hold up. You still are like wait. This is and also maybe if you watch now. Wesley Snipes was at the time right and you may not. It'd be like what the fuck like at the time. It was a real. Yeah it was like a real strong statement of position to for those for those men to put themselves in dragon do a good job. Yeah they really do and like I mean. I'm still mad at them. Because here's why are mad. Tell me because when I show up to expect it to be that yeah ground now. It takes a hot minute to get me to spark a like a Christmas can spray. It takes many. I don't just wake up looking like that. I am not beyond say. How long does it take you to put your talking on a cute moment like an hour but it can take four? Yeah that's for full moment. It's going take like three four hours but that's like from you know Shit Shaven shower until you like walk out the door. It's a UH I mean. I've talked to other Queens so like I'm not shocked by this time except when I had to sit here and breathe and really think about spending three to four hundred purpose getting ready for my job in like. That's an incredible. It's Wyatt is it at all like meditative and helpful to you or is it just fucking annoying like which which one of those things you dare between that because there is a certain rhythm and flow to it and I have noticed that when I like take a step outside of my I My pattern then it becomes very weird and I'm like what do I do next but if I am in the rhythm and the flow I'm like Oh yes she's here Everybody Watch Jeff. How does no problem just choking thinking about your wonder doing great? Well how does it going through for all that and like stepping out into the world talking about feeling peace within yourself. How does that affect the way that you feel about yourself not drag so like if you feel great question beautiful after that four hours? What about on the day that you're meeting up with me and you've done? What like a the the amount that I've done we've done the same amount which is like we got a reading like how does that? How do you feel right now to be honest? I am really grateful that I'm GonNa Place in my life where I don't have to do the three hours to get ready to go somewhere everyday all day because there was a point where the hustle was. Is that real. Yeah but now when I step up okay because I know that there's like the separation and I'm gonNA come back to that but I'm GonNa go do this real quick and just throw my docs knocks on call today. And you feel okay because I mean from my own personal experience I guess I'll I mean it's like it's shades of what you're talking about but I certainly wear makeup if I'm going to be like on a red carpet or I'm going to be on camera and for me very good looking but when I'm wearing makeup and then I go back to like not when then when I see my human face right. It's a little bit you're like Oh fuck like like what happened to me in the night. Like actually everything's fine. Just how you look and I could imagine that if you're spending all of that time really like sculpting and creating this look like for me I I think I just wonder if I would be able to love myself that like that much on my normal day. What happens is for me? I started to realize how much I did put into Vicky like the showgirl and then I realized I'm not putting the same effort into myself during the day. Yeah so if if I just give myself Frankencense on myself you know Oh yeah there's some earls on your face and you go okay. I'm here to you know what I love that that is actually. That's so beautiful. Oh yeah this is who I'm giving to the we're a bit like this is what I want to move through the world as I should have a potential to myself you know what yes actually. I like. There was a student. Yeah I mean that makes sense to me you know like often will. It's exhausting but also so the idea of I think many people who are listening regardless of what their job is. I mean this is why social media exists. We all want to create a version of ourselves to give to other people. Here's here's what I am. We all want that but then when that actually becomes something that you can do you you know like I go on stage and do stand up. It's like yes I oh I can totally script out what I'm going to say and you can think that's me for a while that really works as a I think for me that worked as like fuck. Yeah I've got this on lock. I can control what other people think of me and then he kind of catch up with yourself and your if that catch up. This is fucking exhausting. I don't actually want to control everything around me at all times. I kinda just want people to like me like when I can. I just like not do all that. Just do all that because you realize how much work it takes. It's fun when it's happening. Yeah I could never do stand up. I feel like part of what I do is stand up but I can never actually do it well. There's something about standup sorry. I didn't know I was just saying go. What were you something about standup? That is even more Rau- and vulnerable than singing in front of people. I mean slam poetry like all of this like when you are speaking in your truth in a way thing about standup is that you have to create attention and then release it. That is comedy. Yeah that's right and if you're not paying attention to to it's like good sex like if you're not paying attention to it it can go south very quickly you know. That's a really good point. I mean for me I think like that's exactly why I like. It is because okay. I just am somebody'll yes no I just am somebody who I enjoy when things in. Life are at a heightened Kiana reefs character from speed or whatever you know what I mean and one thing I've had to work on is loving wing my calm normal human life because what we're talking about the jazzed lake. I mean your body is literally on drugs eggs like when you're on stage the chemicals also yeah sure you are literally the chemicals that are in your body like you are affecting affecting your biochemistry and so like fully believe that lake that trip like that fucking hit of being up there like that is so who works in the world can touch that. Yeah and so. I think it's then knowing that that's something that I'm chasing as a human it's Matt Drag. It's very important to me to like realize that and just be like okay. Yeah and don't let that totally run your life your because it can not only run your life but it can run like your heart space space and your mental stability. That's more than just like your bank account and your friends like really can mess with your like your self confidence because when you realize. Is that when you walk into routes that you are not the same person at the hotline. Yeah thanks right picking up cheese you just not gonNA to be the same person and if you are you're probably like Jenifer Lewis and that's exhaustion. We'd so here's what I WANNA ask you. Where did you start doing drag? That's the question. Oh geographically what city were you in here L. A.. I don't think I knew that. Okay got it. I barely knew I just had to remember. Yeah I was here in La. What had happened? Dan This is I. Try to tell this story and I'm not afraid to tell the story because it is dumb luck. Got Me there and people say they don't believe in luck but listen. I guess you can't Sir. Preparation and opportunity. We can call this luck but I was going to school at the musicians institute. I was really fully prepared to be a singer songwriter. Like that was is GonNa be on my face. That's not how it happened. I have booked a GIG promoter and they were like hey. We can't really afford to pay your band. Can you do it with tracks. Yes absolutely had no idea what I was doing. Yes sure because I was eating frozen burritos. Sure man living you need. Yeah Yeah we'll figure it out fifty dollars right. Yes and then the next thing I know they were like. Hey so we can't Well actually no. They said we couldn't pay the ban and then they were like. We are only having drag queens because it's now a very very clear event and will you hosted drag. Have you ever done that. I said yes. Yes absolutely with my friend sitting next me I do okay great and ever since then. That was the first GIG. Ah never stopped okay so then you have this. I don't know what you're doing. Not collected you do first undergarments. Like where does one start. Beth never contract offer and I bought like a Kaftan Moon moment from the Ross dress for less and then I actually really don't don't tell the story I because I knew I had to do drag my friends at the time within you have to do a test run because there were performance and like you're not getting onstage unless you know what you're doing so so we did a test run and I got the highest heels that could possibly fit my foot him got a cute little outfit. I thought it was cute at the time I look back at the pictures and it was terrible but I was feeling myself in those shoes. One of them broke. And I learned that when you can't walk with heels on just lean on a tree for a while okay and so that was that does you know how to walk in heels. No not at all. I mean I thought I did because I did as a kid like I thought I was doing. This is my problem a lot. Swear I know what I'm doing but the whole time like I have no idea that might be your problem or like that. It's a blessing. I mean that's just. Put the blinders on a go. I feel like I have that in that inclination to of just like actually sometimes even I'm the one like as opposed to saying yesterday the things I will say like no I can totally do this. Debris that's coming out. I don't aware look I look at somebody else doing it. I'm like I've absolutely absolutely done this. I in my mine dealing. I even think I've done not something I've done. That's how I convinced myself to do. I'd seen somebody else. Do it and I could do that. Do that out looking at this this is me doing it. Yeah no I didn't have it I did have with the Quila that night and the first actual Gig and my heels heels were like again from payless or something and they sort of little disc veal and I could barely walk in those took those off within the first five minutes onstage age I had the biggest hair I could find. I really just tried to do it. I have to show you pictures. I can't wait to see what about now today where this is something that who how are are you. How do you find your stuff where you get yourself? You're like I wish there was like he's doing it like what do you I mean. I'm very terrible. I just broke my sewing John Machine the week. I don't know what I'm doing but I try to make it work all the time and drag is for each person it's different because undergarments are very complicated situation situation right. Some skinny folks don't have the same blob that a larger person like myself has and you've got you know some people don't mind there's stuff moving around my tends to move a little Giglio than some others. I like the firm it up sure so I will have a butter spanks nothing moves. I wear three bras. Oh Wow I read me all the time for this hour three bars we what are you doing with the three bras as the I wonder what is this like the pattern for the bubbles to rise them up. You know I mean I have puppies but I like to push them up so that like the nearby much in I mean I actually feel like I can ask you some pretty in depth questions or somebody that wanted to talk to stuff their Bra right. Please wear more than one because if you wear only one you end up with a lumpy dump if you wear it will like smooth it out but it might not necessarily be as round. I put the one. That's a whole use Pasadena's don't tell nobody. My secret containment element Iran. There's was like one. Push one round out. Are you using the are using the body that you have or are you using padding. Well sometimes I put the padding on but sometimes I'm late so I just leave him up at home. I mean I feel like there's there's gotta be like a a little bit of A. I'm literally up and pulling this out of my ass but I couldn't see you're talking about like Super Super Skinny Queen Has League has to add a bunch of really depends. It really depends on what that person is. It does yeah right because they're obscene drag queens. Who are doing like aerial acts six? Probably not gonNA WANNA PAN and like I've seen it enough. Yes I haven't seen it like for each person. It is individual and it depends if you really want the body audiology. You're going to wear more pads. I'm imagining that. Like you kind of are in a an advantageous position. If you've got the pod to use -sition in in different ways mush it around seems true I mean I I know this this is also why I laugh at some of the girls that have to put on the entire college already. The couch and I'm okay with that. It's I look amusing but also but also had to have. Yeah so have some benefits to. There's there's benefits to all different types of box. There is absolutely and even with makeup whilst I would say that the more fluff you have on. Its you're going going to be softer feminine. God right of course that makes sense and you're this has the potential to sound racist but like Asian men definitely can turn feminine very fast whereas if you have some Nordic men not always as easy a and I think that that is it says racist as we are Like what we consider to be feminine features. And I'M I. Am You know what I mean like. The other thing is that we also I think just as a culture and just very aware that when I say things how no and I'm glad you're saying that but it is I think there's a larger conversation to have their about who we think has a feminine face versus who we think has a face like that we like for instance the like the the Bush chest sis straight Asian man is still in our culture often perceived as being very feminine the larger conference. That's the America that we live in. So yeah it makes a lot of sense to me that would that in drag. That would translate to we. We just have specific notions about what we think. Yes certain types of people look like yes. This is why I say that out loud as we need to be talking about this. So what like think for you features like when you're looking at your I'm looking at your face. I'm like good looking yours. You're yes definitely. Today's episode of Query Query is brought to you by love books for about the cost of flower delivery. You can have a premium gift that will last for years. Not just a few days. That's something from love books. It's an illustrated book. That's perfect for expressing the sentiments. That may be difficult to say out loud. Honestly a one on Internet and I did this and I got my book already in is unbelievably cute and ideal for Valentine's Day. So give give it to yourself. You know for Valentine's Day you can design these little characters. Why not make you talking to you about what you love you should? That's a genius idea. Why did and I do that? 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Start listening to the financial confessions today at V Financial Diet Dot com slash podcast. That's the financial dot com slash. PODCAST when you when you like. What are the features that you feel like you have to spend more time transforming versus the stuff that you feel delake? This already works for Queen. Is that something that you breakdown. Yes like what. Are you waiting the hardest on when you're trying to say is when you do make up up is is probably the feature you need to spend your time on because like you can mess around with contour highlight low light all of this but if your eyes are not right is going to. You're not going to do you just not gonNa feel right. Nobody's GonNa believe you talk to me about this stuff eyebrows the browse. I have little nubs as you can see it because it just tells me where to start. Yeah are they are. They shaved. Do Shave Shave the rest of them. I know them people glue them the house down the WHO. When did you decide to go with shaved versus something else? So you know what's really embarrassing. I actually shaved them off before a friend of mine's is wedding. For the first time I went to put him on with the start absolutely but the reason I did it is because before that I had been using my own Brown and it just wasn't cutting it for me like I. I really thought for a while it was it was like yes. I'm a real Webex no-go trying to go higher. Go a little bit higher. I mean this is also funny. Have you since you've shaved them have you. Have they grown back at all. Have you tried to have them go back at all. There's times but it gets to like the prickly pear phase shit and I'm like I can't I can't even look at it. It would have to come off. Eyebrows are also specific thing because they are anybody that like. It's interesting to please somebody. You've seen like the Red Ed carpet photos. Were they like you raised people's eyebrows. No but that sounds amazing. It's hysterical. People look wildly alien without eyebrow I did I did like a photo shoot. Shoot where I was trying to do. ziggy stardust. I was trying to do like David Bowie makeup and I did the whole thing and something that you. He is such an unusual looking looking person. You might not know. I didn't realize that in the original photos for that he doesn't he. His eyebrows are gone. He has like removed them. They're covered covered over with white. And so that make up artist when she was doing this for me it was like I think we have to cover up your eyebrows and I got the photos back and I was like you have to add my eyebrows back in like it's like so many of the digitally and then back because on him. It looks like he just looks like the normal alien that he is run me. It looked very different. Have a great ball structure. I'm over here watching your cheekbones. Hit the light every time you move and it's really nice to look from my mom. I feel very happy about them. But you know I. I wouldn't pretty hard on my eyebrows in the nineties. Like think like bigger. I had the ones that now. Everybody thinks a lot twenty twenty or whatever where do they do like eyebrow transplant. I definitely have people. I know people who have them. Like Tattoo. Filled your micro bleeding because because of the ninety s because go ahead on all of us have it where they went real really like she is the source of that in my mind that she went so so pencil thin. Then everybody would pencil. I mean for a moment it was all right. They didn't tell everybody with GONNA. It's not gonNA come back. That's why I was asking. I don't know how it works. 'cause I don't use them. Yeah shave them so they can. They can't come back. Yeah tweeting your. It's a real you're fucked. Yeah it's also like others everywhere else I would like to ex- yeah. Do you have to everywhere else. Shaved most everywhere. How long does that take a rotation? So it's not like you're not doing it from a friend. My very early twenties. He would shave his arms one day in his legs. The next so that it wasn't like I'm spending an hour in the shower every day right. Yeah so it's like top hat sometime. Sometimes I'll just near my back. You know once every couple of weeks just cute. Wow so when you get some you know you feel alright because the worst thing is when like you really trying to feel yourself when you go onstage about you but there's like you check yourself yes I got act this you know what I mean or you look in the mirror and you give that last look like the wink and then you hit it. Everybody has their thing. If you don't feel right you're not gonNA act right that's true. Yeah so you gotTa feel the part. Sometimes you know you gotta get rid of it all sometimes you can like ignore it but some some days you know I really should have shaved that till like the mess with your head like there's this thing that happens every so often when my right eye will water and I have automaker plan I feel feel it and then I look in the mirror and I could feel the wet in the eye and I'm like God to be more careful for for the rest of the day. All I'm worried about is my yeah. Sure am I have left No ads right. It'll be like every other year. That's right that when a mess me up but you have just to circle back you have zero body or like or growing back but you got got it. That's like that's what you're trying to maintain because Italian German and Moroccan. So it's the body here issue is a real. I get it talion so while I know there's a there's a lot to unpack. Well it's a lot. It's also like because I think about I for my job. I mean to your point of feeling good and then being on stage Have gone through a transition in just the last couple of years of ICE Tour Lake Doc. skin-tight everything was like very tight. I would wear like a skin tight shirt t shirt jeff then like a leather jacket or a jacket or something like that and then like skin tight pants and then boots I was like we have this vision in my head. Yeah tight and now the last like year. I've been wearing like a little bit more like this. This level of tight close which is still like ish bidding but it is like much more will say tailored Bill Louis. Yeah there's some room and I don't know I just think it started because like I was I was going through some personal some personal shit and I was like I cannot. What's like I just like? I can't like I don't want to can't I know the feeling home but I have been also kind of interested in like will this thing that I was doing you know. Why was that the only thing that I would show people versus like this slightly more relaxed? I mean it's still like the shirt is literally like tailored or whatever but it's like not the tea room to breathe breathe but you don't ever have room to breathe. No well actually. Actually I give myself the room to breathe you. Yes a higher I do. I wear like a loose thing on top and like a tight things but so I'm not. I don't feel restricted. Which is why? Sometimes I won't put my ass on because I have to because of my shaped like a potato when I put my my hip sign I have to duct tape them. So they don't fall down and basically. It's like shape corset. There's no breathing. Bending over his awful and it's just not fine. How is your how? How is your body like with with the years of off like really wild back like how? How is your actually at least shit like that? How people give me crap because I don't like to wear heels all the time I will warehouse shoes onstage? I say my fully warehouse. Fuzzy fluffy slides. I'll put them on our rocked out on stage because look I'm over three hundred pounds and when you have me on little pigs for hours at a time I turned into a very mean person I mean I can't I don't wear heels for the for that. I'm my own health and safety the insanity. I'm GONNA wear this flat real quick. Well then how is okay. Here's a question that started off trying to show off now. I'm like no no no no no leave. That for the a young kids are answer me how somebody like. Heidi Klum is still wearing the shoes. She's wearing I'm assuming you are person for Heidi's he's I doubt he's wearing them at home is the thing. Yeah but when your paycheck is is lovely enough. You'll put it on you know when it's part of your game aim when that is who you've decided like Marilyn Monroe that you are put on when you leave the house when you come home you kick them in the closet like yeah fair down away. That's fair enough because really that's the work. I mean it sucks. Sometimes it's very painful. Yeah that's the work. Yeah all right fair. Yeah you know. We're not mining for coal and putting on. Sometimes I mean even I I knowing that I think it's easy to forget that just because somebody has like their dream job or the job they were shooting for that. It's not amazing. All the time like even though so I I forget about having this experience myself I forget that for other people get like I'm like I knew I knew being a stand up. Comic means you are in hotels tells by yourself a lot like I know that dream job. But you're fucking lonely. I still forget that for you. Like I'm like everybody else is doing amazing. Yeah I mean I. I've said it before I'm living dream whose dream this. This isn't what I thought very often. That happens my back is I. I feel like every drag queen is kind of like always needs a day at the SPA. Yeah kind of the chiropractor or will that too. Oh yes attack. Stretch it out What is your when you first were when he first got to drag or actually maybe this is still true now like the folks that you know that new you before the folks growing up in Jersey that we were talking about earlier maybe didn't hundred percent know how to place you or maybe did or your family like right? How is everybody else I think like how do they think this is going for you? How do you have any? Do you may your feedback from people. kind of it's a mixed bag from people apple. Well the people that are closest to me in the back of our lack finally it makes sense. You know the ones that were maybe. With further on the outskirts they have just fallen in half. Yeah and which. I don't mind because you know season reason. Lifetime people are there for one of them is sometimes I gotta go right any got wait. I've never heard that season in recent. That's really good. People ever recorded your life for a reason is in or a lifetime. It's true though. It is true and sometimes you just I don't really pay too much mind when somebody's gotta go either Atkin decide they gotta go where they've decided. And what about your family. Are you close with your family. My family yeah. I mean I'm really mending things with my mom. Things were wild for a while and I actually didn't speak for like two years ago. Yeah let me bank insulation. Yes yeah there are things that I just needed. My mom to like admit happened because I was at a plan my life. I don't need anyone to apologize for anything actually. You don't even have to take responsibility for anything accountability nothing. I'm aware that participated in my own life events however I did. I just need you if we're going to move forward to acknowledge that these events happened. I don't care what you did. That's not what I'm talking about can. Can we just say this happened to me. I felt it was awful to me. You might not have seen it but can you just say that you know that it happened. Can we talk about what those events were. Yeah we're the things that you needed her to admit happened well for me. I don't know that my mom realized how abusive my father was like. I don't know that's heavy but like we I'm I'm here for that's not you're not stressing me okay. Great where humans I'm Andrea said. It was it was really scary for me growing up because it's my dad. Being fresh off. The boat from Morocco had very old world ways and I was raised here with American kids. That was one sosition and then I was also my queer self and he didn't know how to deal with that and I have a mouth on me back and something about me is like because I'm like a weird m path so a lot of times I reflect back the energy that I'm being given some people can't handle that ABC especially when they feel like they're in authority figure right and I said well. Why don't you get to do that? And just a child but that doesn't make sense while I didn't sit well now and you know when he missed me. He went through the wall kind of a situation. I'd be afraid to like wake up in the morning. It'd be afraid to come home and my mom I'm just trying to be. The peacekeeper. Not Necessarily was in denial. But I really don't think she saw it. I don't think she saw what happened afterwards. Like she knows that she had to pick me up when I was in tenth grade from school taken to the hospital because I had drank a fifth of Jack Daniels on the school school bus in the morning because of the the abuse I got school and at home it was just too much and I was trying to take myself out. My mom was also with me when I was in on suicide. Watch in the mental ward. Because I was just going through it and I know how to express myself and I didn't know how to communicate what I was going through. Because she didn't see it and my father was the problem Ebola or not the problem a problem. Yeah you think for her. Maybe it's there's a system going on in my family and you're like I'm a child system there this is this is coming at me from one direction. Yes is what what Is Your Dad now. Is he in your mom. No they divorced. I tried to get them the voice when I was twelve. That became another situation. Sure sure it became a whole other situation but like so some of the big stuff like so. I would not bruise this again very heavy. I wouldn't bruce so one time I got my foot in the door and I had a Bruce Math from my dad but I finally had a bruise on my body so I went to a counselor at school to ask for help and said my dad did this well. I came home thinking I was okay. 'cause because I have finally told somebody nope here's the police with my dad at the kitchen table and now I have to go talk about this siblings. A younger sister and then a younger brother. So you're the oldest two which means that this kind of I would imagine you have a sense of responsibility. Yes I took. You're you're the one that's going to disrupt the system child. I can imagine yeah and I just feel like my mom. She knew that I had a hard time but she didn't didn't know exactly where it came from or why because she wouldn't talk about stuff being Italian Talk about that stuff and in the household my dad again not blaming him because you know I actually really grateful for all the trauma I've had now in my life. I'm really grateful because there's no way would see other people the way I see them today without without not feeling seen myself. Oh wait say more about that. Do you mean that it made you more empathetic or I mean it broke me open and it didn't break apart. Yeah that makes sense so now I see people like I know when you're hurting before you know you're hurting yes I can see it. I could see my own in people and I feel like it's giving me given me way more compassionate empathy if anything because because I've owned it I've owned that I also played a role in this and what role do you think you played in it. Or what have what role have you played in it just being present like being being that kid because this is a bigger conversation. It's kind of that. I believe that before our soul comes here. We kind of have have an agreement like this is the game. These are the rules. It might not the way you WANNA go. This is the possibility it might feel negative and this is a possibility and it might feel oh positive but either way the point is to figure it out and get to the end is. If that's like the quickest easiest way I can say that but there's kind of like what I would call a sole contract before we came into this life because I don't think you could do anything without agreeing to it. I really yeah I mean that's which is it's kind of scary because then you get into really heavy traumas that I don't want to say that anybody ask for anything. That's not the case. The case is your your soul and you are such a powerful being that you basically absorbed that pain because you can transmute it. Ah I don't even have like I'm going to have to take to process what you're saying. I know I mean it's not it's we'll speaking just about just about you and I I hear what you're saying. You know when I look at my own and so I wrote a book and this book involves some trauma like I'm talking about trauma and I didn't didn't know that when you write a book and you have to re read the audiobook and you just didn't four days so it's first of all the directors like a stranger. It's he's he's a man he's so nice he's a man I do not know he's very it's him and I'm reading for four days like speed reading through the worst things that I've ever happened to me and missile like the best things but I mean like this right now are being like. Can you take that sentence again. And I'm like when I was sexually assaulted like all very nice in some ways that like I just did not know a rating and all out and it. It takes a minute to write a book but like reading through it and four days. Seeing everything that it's it's so complicated. I've been sitting with this for the last couple of weeks since I did this a lot. Since I read I read the book to be like it's impossible. We can't we cannot know our life without out the events in it so you know I would say the thing of like I would have never would have chosen to not have these things but that doesn't mean it's kind of irrelevant. It doesn't even it doesn't matter what you would or what you wouldn't have chosen. This is where you are you are. You are the person who had these experiences. Yes and I don't know I think sometimes as as a queer person I can get a little bit caught in my own mind. I can't tell if this is like an it gets better effect effect. Where like we're we're sort of continually pitched these ideas of how quirkiness is now more accepted me stories about like they're twelve and they came out and everybody was fine with it so it looks? I don't actually talking but I but I look at that and I sometimes I think about my own life and I wonder why did I then have to have these things and then I have to take a little bit of a bigger view and go. We'll see it's not like street. People were fucking crushing it. It's not like they wanted to and like have the body and the gender presentation that they wanted the entirety of their life. It just for me I can. Sometimes I think we're like steeped to look back at our lives and either present this idea that we're totally okay. With everything or that we never would have chosen anything different or that. We would have done it all again in a new way. I don't know it's a very very hodgepodge. Mix of about trying to say what I'm how I believe because I don't want people to think that you came into this life asking to be assaulted. I don't that's not it at all. What it is is if if you could step outside of like the wildest situation that has happened and I'm not saying the evil people are a blessing? I'm saying imagine it from outside that like if you're literally stage and we're just merely players now. What if that was actually the case so that this person volunteered to be the villain in in your life in order to create the The friction in the chaos for you to grow immensely by leaps Awesome Bounds in this one lifetime. Yeah I mean I hear what you're saying it's just it's the one thing I never want to do is take take away the magnitude of anyone's trauma because for them that is their personal world and I can never say for me or for them what anything should mean or yeah how to interpret anything but also you're somebody who I mean you're look you describing your childhood and talking about this stuff it sounds to me like you would have to kind of come up with a system of beliefs that makes this makes accents and I'm not saying I'm not saying for me. I've had to do this because otherwise I don't know that I would still be standing. Yeah and that's for like that. Actually that's IT turns out that's why like religion exists is because they're all for all of human history. We've just been like hell. Yes I'm house. Music exists it's all we're all just trying to figure out like why did this happen to me. And what am I supposed to do next completely. That's kind of it's kind of the whole thing. So you know you talking about how you have worked through this stuff and I want to hear a little bit more about so you you've said to your mom like you have to accept that this happened did you. Did you stay that to her. Open Low yes and then how. How was that received? How did she say when you said that once again? She gave me the platitudes of like I love you so much and I'm like mom I know that's not the question. The question is are you capable of going back and seeing how we got here. Because there's a reason that you and I aren't connected right now and that's the reason is because we have two different perspectives of the same event. And until you admit that my perspective is for me and yours. This is for you because I'm not saying yours is wrong. I'm just saying can you admit that I have mine. Sure if that makes that just acknowledge that that's how I got here in how you got there at a fork in the road somewhere we can get back but I just need you to think knowledge that you turn left turn right. Sounds like you're that sounds like that. Is You asking her to like acknowledge that you're a full person. You know like as a parent and or actually anytime anytime. You're in a familial relationship. Somebody they exist in your world like like I'm the center. I'm the star of my world and this is my sister. That's that's right like very right so so in her in her mind. You're the you're the child to her central story as her being the person I think it sounds like which is why we're asking for her. I'm actually I'm actually a person Roy were. You are a secondary character in my story. Yeah I'd I never thought about it. Yeah I mean it took a while but but she got there. She really did because now she can talk about stuff and like bring things up that like bothered her. And I'm like I want you to do all along you'll have to hide nothing. I was there to right. Yeah you don't have to carry this alone. Well I mean. Sometimes it's possible. I'm so glad that was possible for you. I like I mean I feel like I said I'm really lucky. Well some I feel like and this isn't just with family with literally could be anything from like an employer to a partner or former partner to anybody buddy. It is really alienating when we feel like we have a story that someone else doesn't believe yes like and I think this is also so why I have my podcast because that's right. Tell me your transition doing great because I- somewhere along the way realized. What exactly saying is that? Just because I have these set of beliefs and these events were true for me in this way somebody else can see see it completely differently and it is one hundred percent true for them and there's nothing I can do to change that I just have to accept that and Like for me. Also you you had an alien encounter. Okay great tell me more because I haven't right that I know of. I mean there was wondering my head as a kid but like like this neither here but I have to go okay. That's how you tasted that more. Also the skies different color of blue to you. Yeah I mean there's also breaks down to who I love talking about stuff and things. Yeah I mean I'm just thinking about like this is the same thing that we're talking about right now in like the American political system or in people that are like racism is real and then you know and then a white person being link and yet I see black people around running. I don't know it is. We are obviously this thing that we're talking about. which is that different people might experience things things in a different way is not universally accepted as true no especially when it comes to like really polarizing thing? Yeah one of the through lines that gets me to find my way to empathy and compassion. Is that opposing ideas or opposing. Four percents are actually not separate. There are but one thing just varying in degree. Sure if that makes Sense yeah up in opposite sides of the like if you have a magnet you have the positive end in the negative end it's not a different magnet. It's the same magnet just great. The energies have moved to the side. Yeah and that's kind of how I have to go okay. So you see a whole other side of this and we're probably not going to agree right now. Now let me and that he said my son is right now. It's been a pleasure talking to you Philip. We got got to a lot of different things. And guess what it's fifty seven minutes you're lying and we've been talking for that long dot. Tom Waits like his. We did it. Can you believe that I I mean I can because we did before I send you out into the rest of your day you shout out which person thing made you feel like you could be who you are today. You know what's wild. I was actually told this person. I gotta tell this person Ross Matthews. I remember watching Ross Matthews on the tonight show and I heard his voice for the first this time and I like Gosh. It's possible like it's possible for my wild ass to have a GIG and to move through the world. Yeah that is amazing. When you you get a chance to listen but then I felt bad because I feel like when I told her I was like so when I was a kid? And he's not that much like like that's something that we forget about like not that much time has always past like for instance. I have people the country after shows shows all the time in our like. I watched you when you made those asks lesbian videos when for Buzzfeed when I was in middle school. And I'm like I'm like what are you saying but then I remember that for some people the audience middle school might have just been right. It's seven years ago like it's not like that's actually what's going on. It's not it's not forty five years ago right it's just the DEIRA different age It was a pleasure in Cranston guest. Yeah doing great yes

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