379: Golden Mic


This is a head gum podcast. Thank you to Robin Hood for sponsoring this episode of our show, Jake. I'm sure you're familiar that Robin Hood is an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks options and cryptos all commission free. Yup. I'm sure you know, that while other brokerages charge up to ten dollars for every trade. Robinhood doesn't charge any commission fees. So you can trade stocks and keep all your profits and asserts abundantly clear to you that there's no account minimum deposit needed to get started. So you can start investing at any level. See now that now that I knew this simple intuitive design of robinhood makes investing easy for newcomers and experts alike, you can view easy to understand charts and market data place a trade in just four taps on your smartphone. You can also view stock collections such as the hundred most popular with Robin Hood, you can learn how to invest in the market as you build your portfolio. Discover new stocks track your favorite companies and get custom notifications for price movement. So you never miss the right moment to invest, but did you also know that robinhood is giving listeners if I were you a free stock like apple. Ford or sprint to help you build your portfolio. You gotta do a sign up. If I were you dot, Robin, Hood dot com. Cool toda. Tutors? If you have. Hugh show discount. Because of me twice. To give try but. If you have a problem. Show scott. The. Damn daniel. What do you think about that one? That made me feel cool and sexy as I was listening to you know, that was actually Lil Boosie Vert. No chan. Yeah. No chance. You're right. We saw him. Remember when we saw. No. When at that weird. Adidas pop up at the row. I don't remember that that was Lil Boosie Vert. He had seemed so grown up. Yeah. He was big Uzi Vert that night damn. Who's e you're so big now who's e you're a regular size. What I saw. I thought it was a medium whose Evert I thought he was a Cousy. That one who wrote this theme songs name is Michael he's been listening watching our stuff since the college humor days. He wrote us a little who's Evert own wonders the way, it goes beat hope we like it. We did like it. And if we liked it a lot we can shout out his Spotify or apple music. He goes by the artist's name boo Koo Hannah and the song's called something to you. Okay. It only has five hundred fifty listen so far and was hoping to get over a thousand. So I get rid of that depressing under a thousand thing on Spotify. Yeah. Let's double that. Let's double his listens. So he gets that. Like, the k next to the name is that what it I've never heard. I've never seen like songs on Spotify. That have that little under a thousand is it like the opposite of a badge. I don't know. I'm thinking of sound quote. I don't know what it looks like on Spotify. Yeah. Anyway, that's what it is. It's called. It's buco Hannah. And the song's called something to you. Right. So there we have it, right? I guess he goes by the name MJ, collegiate or Michael. So thanks Michael Colgate Colgate. Although Colgate Jit was way on he is collegiate though. Yeah, he is collegiate, but that's unrelated to his name. This is the first podcast recording post Miley successor Jorie. Are you wearing you're not wearing glasses right now. Today's the first day I'm trying to wear non prescription glasses. Oh, wow. Describe them to me, get them. I got him from where you're Parker actually shot up to one of our sponsors, no shit. It was actually a funny story. My I went glasses shopping with my parents, and my mom told the lady working at worry Parker that I do Worby Parker ads on my podcast. And then I was kind of embarrassed because that lady had not heard of our podcast, but then somebody else at worry parkers like, wait. Are you a mere? And I said yes, and my mom was like see every. Knows his podcast that lady used her friends and family discount on me. Well, so your mom embarrassing. You saved you cash yet. And what happened there is that my mom clock that and was like, okay. It doesn't matter. If I am barris anyone anymore. It ended up working. And so for the next however long now, I have carte blanche. Green light access to to save. She learned no lesson. In fact, you learned a lesson. Your mum will always Barras you. And now now she's going to double down. That's right time. You guys go to like dinner. I think we might be able to get a friends and family here. Long to cast yelling at a chef in a kitchen. Hey, everyone, my jackass son as a fucking podcast. What do you mean? You don't listen a bucket? Just holding a bus driver steering wheel until pays attention to me. Amir tell the fuck and podcast is called. Jesus christ. It only costs a dollar ten. What do we need a discount on that? Mommy eba. No. I no longer want to ride the public transportation with you. Anyway, as it stands I bought three glasses at Worby Parker gonna try them out. But I will say that today's the first day where my eyes are feeling almost like I actually have glasses baked into them. It's been a slower recovery process than you. Let on oh interesting. Well, maybe you just didn't have as strong as that. Well, what it is is like the worst vision is the more. They corrected the longer it takes to heal. So yours was like a very subtle small prescription change or anything. My really was like the next day. I was fine. Right. Did you have dryness? Residual dryness in the morning. No. There really was like it was I guess it felt like maybe a tiny tiny bit like blurry or like a light leak sort of happening. But it felt there was no dryness and halos or nasal burning a lot of nasal burning. Did you have where your sinus burnt where it was like you wake up you have choking? You'll rose Asia. Yes. So I broke out at some sort of ocular hive where the RAB sheeting people. So my pupil had a little leak, and it sort of leaked out onto my eyelids. So it like a black little a dark black stain trickling down almost like Garo running like, you're crying soy. You're crying soy. I was beefing soy. And then the way it worked is that the tears would flow up. I don't know if it was like an anti gravity post, Lasix, whatever the fuck, but the black tar would leak up. It was almost like a horror film every night because you had vertigo you were upside down. Yes. So I sleep upside down and inside out. I had vertigo right? That's correct died that ocular rose ation. I had that pupular airy leakage. And so for the last let's see I got the got the I got the license on April. First the seventeen cities the first day where I can smell hear or talk. That's awesome. I'm really and you're wearing the you're wearing the glasses. And. Yeah, war bees. Yeah. They're called the loose. The lucie. Because that's that's how your is in your head. I saw on Instagram you lost one for a moment. I lost. I lost one popping out. I lost one ball entirely, and then the other one feels small and sort of like willing around. It's like it's like a gun ball in a single Gumbel Gumbel machine. Almost you have one putty. I don't use the the lost one. And they they made us claymation. I because you didn't want the glass one you couldn't afford the glass. I e. Yeah. And he sort of he took the putty out, and he like rolled it on the Sunday funnies, and then he put it back in. So like where one I is there's nothing and then the other one looks like a spherical like a Dilbert comic. That's really funny. Yeah. It sounds like you like are hot. Now. I forgot how to talk at forgotten how to talk. So I'm relearning. Rush. I had a voicemail from you. And you were you were screaming I thought it was Hebrew. But maybe it was just I think it was Latin 'cause I was sort of the way the Lazic worked is that brought me to a point where I was de aging. So like I like I was living in like three hundred CE for like a week and a half. But it felt like it turn it in your follow up. Was it was the the gave you like the the little I exam, and then also the doctor did an exercise them. Yeah. So he did he pulled he pulled the demons from your from your brain. Yeah. He was able to like shove a crucifix close to my brain that like a lot of the demons came out. But some of them were just so frightened by it that they they've now like recessed even deeper into my corneal like ridge because I saw I saw AVI tells Instagram story in the middle of the night, you were crawling on the ceiling turned and you history, but your eyes are just two black holes. Yes. Well, and you saw the veins on my face, right? Yeah. I mean, I couldn't even see your face. It was mostly veins and ice sockets. And again, you were on the ceiling. You hit eaten your dog? Yeah. Luke, I consumed them because the Satan in my head that had controlled me post Lazic told me to do. So and felt as though his word was God. And that I was doing his bit right? But now it's nice because you don't have to you don't have to put glasses on in the morning. You can kind of just go today. I woke up, and I was like, oh my God. Like, this is the first time we're like I can read like the clock in my room, and I don't have to squint or anything. So that like felt really nice. And I was able to like, oh, yeah. I was able to like by non nonprescription sunglasses, which is like a cool little neat thing as well. That's very nice. So like, even though my recovery was a little slow. I'm I'm happy that I have done it. And I'm excited to get to this point. Because a lot of people say takes, you know, two four six sometimes three months to recover fully from lake. Wow. Yeah. Jeez. That's crazy. So you didn't. Have haloes or anything? I. Drive. It was like a little halo effect. No my side effects. Didn't sound like there is severe is years with the the the demon possession the dog eating. I did have I did have some kind of light halo wing during the day and some light sensitivity. But it only lasted for a day or two feared the halos. Because they reminded me of the angels that were coming to get me. I felt like for whatever reason spawn of Satan, and some sort of bizarre way after the Lazic and that those represented another angel trying grave my life. You are the spawn of Satan. We're not recording podcasts. Abou-? Dog if you play that part backwards. That's what it says. But it look forward to keeping everyone updated abreast, and yeah, no, I don't know how I'm going to treat glasses yet. But we'll find out together. But what is this after all, this is an advice show? It's if I were you the only frickin advice podcast hosted by two men with perfect vision. Neither of them the devil. Amir. I'm Jake, and we got some good cues today. Your brother's going through helping us out trying to find the greatest questions we have Mike is on the case has he has he let you know that this is a fun job for him. This an annoying job see into it as he fast. See I think he's good. He's I like, I haven't been paying attention. But I looked at are like good questions to have. And he's has there's three hundred in their damn damn days. Looking. He's doing it. Yeah. But I look. And they're all spam. Right. Well, he's he's sort of just he pulling the wool over our eyes. He's just invoicing us hours and hours and hours. He thinks this is a good question. Pure one ten percent off Father's Day sale from let's talk about it sixty nine. That's not a good. That's the name for peer one guy. Pierre a receipt from the goat app. He bought jeez. Using our credit card. He put good questions kind of like as a fuck you. I talked to you. Yeah. Okay. He has bent over a fucking table hand over fist stealing cash from us. And he's leaving just got a I just got a on my phone from from our Bank. Did you buy two? If I took it or tickets to two that must be mica. So I think I don't know if I bought them, but I. Okay. I'm not trying to I don't want to cover for him to covering firm. Your stand. One of the three either meet you were mica take. I'm sure it's for a good reason away. I'm sure it's a good reason. Good reasons that he wants to -cation. Here's another probably. Here's a good question Email, I'll see into Lou, motherfuckers. So he's he's taught in. Yes. Got a I got one flight information put it into good questions doing this. Okay. So he did buy three tickets one for me you and him. But he's the only one on the plane right now, I guess the flights taking wanted us to pay for his flight. But we couldn't make it because we didn't know about until it was too late. So yeah, that's why it's a write off. It's not good. I'm happy for him. I know you are. And I'm sad for us. Oh, here's an actual question. He found. All right. This is from an Israeli, man. So it seems so we'll call him. I don't know what's an Israeli name e Don E, D, O N, John rights. I'm a twenty five year old, man. And I have a son who is four whose mother is. And I who's mother I was engaged to up until recently, we signed up our boy for 'em may classes Haagen a- an Israeli Self Defense Forces training, six months ago as a way to build his confidence. Meet other kids, stay active, and he's absolutely killing it making new friends left. And right learning to kick ass along the way, I'm never felt more than when I'm watching him fucking throw down. But that's not where problem is his mother. My then fiance sucked his sense as black belt. Dick after practice. I didn't attend about a week ago. Then. Told me about it over ice cream that night after we put our son to bed. So the fiance told him about it. I can't tell if. Yes, I think, but I don't know if it's like they were broken up, and they and this happened in there, like friends, I think that's more. The vibe got obviously, I was blindsided, and I lost it packed my shit and left that night only to be forced to come to face to face with this literal mother fucker three days later at practice. I approached him after the class while my son was playing with some of the other kids, and I told him I knew and I asked him what the fuck dude, he answered with a smile, and what are you gonna do about it? I didn't say anything quickly left with my son. Seriously. What the fuck am I gonna do about it? My take my son away from the thing that he loves it, nor it and have to watch this guy. Teach my different kicks while knowing also kicked a load into my ex's throat. Oh my God. Or do. I try to go toe-to-toe with a guy who's a black belt. Israeli armed force trainer. Mother fucker fighting machine. My son has another class this week, then I'm taking him to and I'm panicking. I don't know what to do. And Amir's a chipmunk thinks whatever. So I guess he's not Isreaeli. But this this M, a Haagen teacher is that guy is definitely has thick eyebrows. A bald head and his stacked yet he's hairy jacked for sure he's Harry everywhere except for the top of his could fuck in down. There's nothing like a guy who's stronger than you, teaching your son. How to kick your ass and Nutting into your wife's. His words not ours. Right. God this is a real emasculating situation. Right. That's like my biggest fear is like standing up for myself and someone saying what are you going to do about it? Yeah. If the other guys drawn already did did what I was going to do about it. Good confront you gonna have a war of words. I thought you'd like fear that I was strong too. Yeah. I felt like you might instantly back down. What if it's gonna come to blows? I'm I'm frightened of that outcome. Fuck it. Let's do it the old fashioned way who has has more Twitter followers about a battle of wits. Quick give me a topic. And I'll wax philosophical, right? A limerick. I think I can make fun of your occupation. Because while you strong, you can't be making much more money than I there. Once was a man who fucked my wife, he tried to ruin my life. Take down. Oh, Danny look away daddy's hurt. Yeah. I think that the already the X when this started is is my theory. It would it would seem that if they were this if it's like straight up the guy hooked up with your fiancee. I just don't that. Just doesn't seem like what's happening. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It seems like they had broken up. Now, they still hang out for the sake of the sun. And I guess the wife was kind of trolling him saying, by the way, I blew the sense. Blowing the sense as really if this guy did anything relationship. That's a really really good way to get back at him. My God isn't sense a feel like that's specifically for like martial art Asian martial arts. I don't know if like an Israeli self defense guys called the sense. What are they called? I don't know. I just always assumed sense. Say was like karate jujitsu, right? I don't know what the sense would be an Israeli. That's your native tongue though. Yeah. Everybody else just stole the belt system. They stole the geeze blacks. Yeah. They took everything. And then they just called it. What is it called hug know, not gotta asshole? Pieces shit Krav Maga. Guys type of Israel self-defense. This one is called Haagen, which is very close to hug Atta which is very slow. It is close to pass over. What are you doing for Passover forgot that I got to Passovers Easter this weekend? Wow. Joy of being in interfaith marriage. So you got you got the Sator Friday. You got the Seder Saturday, Friday and Saturday, cedar. You got the Easter Sunday through Sunday on you put a little Easter egg on the Seder plate. How's that for interfaith? That's nice is chocolate. Kosher for Passover. It is. Yeah. Okay. I can have chocolate mozza. Yeah. So works seeing it'll be a candy eggs. And then you got the bitter herbs. You got the basket full of candy. And then you have parsley Easter is the strangest Christian holiday just in terms of like the traditions. I it definitely makes sense. Like what it is what they're celebrating Jesus. But like, yeah. Like why on earth Easter bunny and chocolate eggs? You got to appeal. The kids. I think truly makes. No, I think it's like kids are like we don't want to learn about Jesus like, well, I will say that there's a bunny that gives you a chocolate. Yeah. Christmas is Jesus birthday use OC birthday with presence? And so like that one just it tracks. I know there's a fat guy from the North Pole with reindeer, and that's a little out there. But like it's still makes sense to you have no notes notes Santa lives in the North Pole. He has a bunch of elves working for him, and he and his wife make a list of Nadia. Nice people. Green light Christmas. That's easy. Ship it easy. Dun, Dun giant bunny dumping eggs were celebrating the day that Jesus came back from the dead now. It's harder harder. I can't quite wrap by cock around that one. Jeez this. I'm sorry. Your honor? I got a good one. I got a good way for him to get revenge. Oh, please. You gotta act like you don't give shit. Okay. And that's it. So the like, I blew the sense. And then you you sort of laugh you like act like really the fucking sense. Nice Sheila real fucking glassy. God holy shit. What next? Are you gonna eat out our fricken librarian? Now. You're you're fine. Whatever I don't care. Yeah. I wanna get another Sunday Sheila. Yeah. Yeah. This one maybe I'll have it with nuts. Oh. The problem is this guy already got upset packed up and left. So it's hard for him to pull back around be like psych in confronted the teacher. I think he's got to go to the other the only way he can come at this guy is to ruin his business. Okay. So he's not going to be able to take them out at the knees literally, but figuratively you go around to all the other children or the the children's parents children. That guy blew my wife. Right. I'm. Aller Cindy, cut her come here a little tiny little munchkins. Let me tell you. What your sense they did he's actually not all that wise. Belt, actually, hides the cocky, shoved down my fiancee's throat. Oh, my good Lord. No. You go to the other parents. And you say, I don't know what to tell you guys. But this guy. He had an affair with my fiance. He's and then he bullied me. So I think we should go to another hug on a studio. There's just twelve miles down the road. And I think there's a MUI Tyke clinic across the street, which I've been reading lots of good shit about. Also, I think I'm going to give this guy at two star yelp review. Hell out of it. But what you do my why Lou them? You know, Sheila. We were all at ice cream the other evening. Yeah. Did you notice things got tense between us I left my milkshake on the counter and stormed out. That's not like me. You guys know that? I'm usually cool as a cucumber the other thing you can do is enroll yourself at a number like ju jitsu or boxing studio in your town. And then next time he says, what are you going to do you just drop him because he doesn't know that you've been training. Yeah. That's like the sitcom answer you take your old self defense. And you challenge him to a fight. All right. Not win. But at least like own it like, no, holding your own a little bit hill respect you. Yeah. Is it more respectable to fight and lose or do not fight? It all to fight and loses. Morris respectable. That's like to to not fight at all. I think to walk away entirely is less respectable. But like to walk away and form a new plan. That's that's respect. Like, you know, you can't win. When a black belt is like, what are you going to do about it? So you have to kind of go off and be like, what am I gonna do about it? You can't just but you can't just do nothing. This is funny. Good luck. Dude. There's also the notion that if they are broken up, it's fine. So think about that too. I guess well. Yeah, that's probably more than likely that is kind of how he described it. So get over it. All right. Well, this guy did act like a dick or anyway, take a break. Let's take a break. We'll think some sponsors. We'll be back on the other side after this. Thank you to to. She for sponsoring this episode of our show. This is an exciting one. We had a Toshi in the office. And now we get to rant and rave about it officially that's right? We we were supporters of tissue before they ever gave us cash to talk. So we know and now you will that wiping your but with dry toilet paper does not remove all the shit. No, no does not. 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Again, we use it in the office. We love it at home. So get your own at Hello, Toshi dot com. You get ten percents off your order with promo code. If I were you give yourself a gift or maybe a loved one time. Thank you to helix for sponsoring this episode of our show, Jake nobody on the planet sleeps like you. So why would you buy generic mattress built for everyone else? I wouldn't you use a helix? Do you not? That's exactly correct. So you already know that they have a quiz that takes two minutes to complete. Then they use the answers to match your body type and sleep preferences to your perfect mattress done took the quiz. I've been sleeping on a helix free year fucking love it cured by back pain straight whether your side sleeper hot sleeper like a plush affirm bed with helix. There's no more guessing or confusion. I too have a helix I can speak for experience. All you. Gotta do is go to helix dot com slash if I were you take their two minutes sleep quiz. Just like we did. And they'll match you to a mattress that will give you the best sleep of your life. Wow. They got a ten year warranty. You can try it out for one hundred nights risk-free right now, helix is offering up to one hundred twenty five dollars off all mattress orders. That's one hundred and twenty five dollars off at helix sleep dot com slash if I were you. That's helix sleep dot com slash if I were you for up to one hundred twenty five dollars off year mattress order damn. That's helixsleep dot com slash if I were you thinks he looks. And we're back Jake. Do you have any? Oh, it's. Oh, yeah. Baby will sort of. I am I really really only sort of. But I've been very very into the show queer eye lately. I recommend it. It's so good. It's so good. Everybody's already. I'm like the last person to discover it. But you haven't watched it. I saw one episode, and it was very sweet it was a southern man who was large who got a nice little makeover to go after his old sweetheart who wasn't quite interested at the beginning of the she at the end at the end she's wanted to give him a date. That's really nice. That's really nice. I've been watching season three and every single night. I am crying. It's so touching. And I love the show. It's great. And are you crying because these people are in desperate need of a makeover. Are you crying because you realizing that you need to groom yourself in a different way. And you just haven't even thought about moisturizing, and that's Pacific mostly crying because I'm. Thirty three. And I only learned what a French tuck is. You pull that definitely gonna start doing a French talk. I'm going to start doing a French talk with a French tuck does that mean you have to wear like a jacket or blazer that covers the back of it that hangs down low? No, I think that you can like remove the shirt and have like a French tuck t shirt, but I don't know. I'd have to ask tan, maybe all right into Dan. Quick question high. Yeah. No high town new fan, I'm fairly stylish. I just I'm curious about this whole tucking your button up into the front of your gene situation willing to hear Koroma's answer as well. You think you're gonna upgrade from a t shirt jeans hoodie style clothes since I'd been since I moved to New York. I did I spent the winter trying to be a little more like style conscious in LA just wear the same thing everyday. Whether it's always good. So you don't really I never really thought about what I was gonna cool jacket. Yes. So here I I definitely have been thinking about. Wearing different jackets and shoes. But like as weather's been getting warmer and nicer I've been kind of reverting back to just t shirt jeans. Most of the time, I I don't usually wear hoodies usually wear like a collared shirt, that's nice. But I don't know if that's like fashionable I- fashionable now is like that kind of like St. work where big baggy pants that are like cuffed. I don't know if I can do that. That's not me yet. Yeah. I don't know would you ever wear the baggy pants, the baggy crop pants. I mean, I assume I'll do everything that society of actually gets to. I don't think I'd wear tight pants. I got tight now. It's going looser. It's going box cut. It's going straight leg size sumo do that. Eventually, it's really. Yeah. Crop pants cropped loose pants is like in. I don't know if I can't I can't imagine doing it isn't I guess I will remember thinking that like all the way buttoning, my shirt all the way was. Bridge too far. And now you can't stop. Well. I don't do it anymore. But like, yeah. That seems like the least defensive fashion thing to me now. Yeah. And then what kind of our our people still wearing really loose t shirts with those even though their pants or baggy or the t shirts. Now getting tighter. I guess it seems like the t shirts are getting normal. Jackets are big. Yeah. I've noticed a lot of like really like especially in women's clothes like is this a jacket or like twenty yards of fuckin- fabric that you sort of shawl over yourself. It's like games over shaky. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lot of fabric dangling down to the floor. The looser the cooler Japanese street wear has me wearing a sarong and a bathrobe. And a little bit of sleet, though, with a little bit of sleep. It's always snowing around you, wet sleep Mitch. All right. We should also mention that our show in Chicago is getting close to selling out yet. Another bit of unsolicited advice is to grab tickets to our show. Twin invasion is sold out Doboy sold out high and mighty sold out. These shows are going fast pods also that too because to selling out I think we might sell out this week. So go to head gum dot com slash live or Jacob dot com. To get tickets to all the shows were coming to Chicago June fourteenth fifteenth and sixteenth. It's going to be fun. Yeah. Great weekend. I cannot wait was going to be awesome. All right. We got another question or two to get to this one is from un-american man who had the word cross fit in his Email. So on it, we call this guy. God blanco. I remember taking cross fit years ago in Blanco was the most Jackson structure. Oh, cool plunk. Oh, isn't that's from like streetfight? Yeah. No. That's blunk. Oh, okay. Was Blanco and Blanco rights long story short. I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year. Now, we've taken several trips together gone to Vegas a few times. But somehow, she's always invaded the idea hearing me hearing or knowing about her shitting, obviously, I'm not one of those guys that thinks girls don't shit. I'm not a fucking idiot. But let me continue one day recently. She came over to my place for a chill evening in when she came over. She said she had to head to the bathroom, but that I can leave the TV on. So I left the TV on and a few minutes later. I realized that she was definitely going number two, but pun intended. She left the bathroom didn't bother to make sure everything went down and stuck all over the inside of the toilet. She probably had a bad burrito or something. I don't know. So here's my dilemma, I went into a few minutes later. I saw shit all over and I was like Duff we are considering moving into to my place, I've been to her place, and it's a shit hole. So we're not going there. But I don't want my place, dad shit stained toilets like hers. I don't know. She can stand it at her place. Do I bring this up to her? How do I ask her nicely to clean up her literal shit after she takes a dump? I ended up using my toilet cleaner right on the spot where I went to P just because I'm a clean freak in whatnot. Longtime fan helped me y'all save my week every week. I listen to your podcast on Monday morning commute. And it makes it not suck as much. So thanks for that. Yeah. Wow. Do I bring up the fact that she has to clean up after her shit. I obviously know like, of course, you don't do that. Right. But she's probably very very sensitive to this whole shitting issue or she's like, you can leave the TV on. I'm. Just going to go to the bathroom. And then you go in thirty seconds later. They're shit on the ball their shit all over the bowl rice, Sheila my God. Now, I know why you wanted to leave the TV on. I mean. I think it's I mean, it's not it's definitely not worth bringing up days later, like the you can't you can't let something stew. And then be like, I'm gonna finally say something, it's it's I've reached a breaking point because then you seem insane. You've been thinking about like a tiny little shits smear for for like a week. You gotta you do have to call it out right from the bathroom as it happens. And if you missed that window, then then it becomes weird. And it's your fault. I don't let the poo still you can't do what the poo don't do follow up. If you guys actually moving together. I don't think that this problem like prevents that from happening, obviously. Yeah. If you move into gather, and she's constantly leaving the bowl smeared. Then as a roommate you can be like, hey, why? If your shit, but you don't have to say it for the one time that she she at your place 'cause also just doing it. Once doesn't mean that that's a habit you've been with her for a long time taking trips and this is the first time it happened. I feel like she's probably shit around you before. Yeah. Or you could do it in like a cute way. So it's not like a rule. You can just be like I smell. You left a little skit bark in the bowl. I mean. Yeah. That's definitely one way that that's really cute that'll p. I don't. Who's my little stinky, Queen who's my little stink Queen? You forgot to clean. You forgot to clean the bull shitting on. Shitting on the kitchen table. And this is what happens to little friends. Now, I made a mis- to here. Poops shit. On the full. Shit it again with your. No, you do have to clean the bowl, obviously. Right going forward. That's why we have that giant q tip situation Sheila. Yeah. I I would think that I would be afraid to bring it up days. After like, you mentioned she's bright very sensitive scared. Shamed. This is you know, I'm sure she wants to be as clean as possible. She didn't do it on porpoise. Nice. She didn't see the skid marks. And was like whatever the fuck. Do you ever use? Do you ever have to use that the what's that thing called the toilet bowl cleaner? Oh, like the the toilet bowl brush, yet the brush. Yeah, I used I mean are using it as like a biweekly cleaning or using it to like actually like get off some of the the the bowl duties, I guess, I guess both. But probably more. So the by weekly cleaning. It's definitely it's view and far between that I have to use it to clean off shit. I feel like I can usually do that with Pete. Oh, yeah. You just sort of treated as a little carnival game using your pita chip off the thing. That's right. And then after the after use the brush where you where you cleaning that Zet like in the sink in the shower doing that in the bath. I don't I'm done answering these questions. Yeah. You a lot of people just flush the toilet. They clean it with the fresh toilet bowl water. You use the brush, and then they flush the toilet. And then it's like all right now. Let me clean the brush with a clean toilet bowl water. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You ever get the the toilet. With like, the what is that blue thing? Like the blue little syrup that sort of it gets washed into the bowl every time you flush it the blue ever remember those I feel like those used to be a pretty popular thing. If feels like you're like bombing it stand up or do you? Remember the? What else what else the box, and you guys you ever you ever have a roomba. Remember, those the they they go around the clean the floor. Blue serum those first came out. Flipping through notebook else. What else are this just a suicide note hold on all right here ago? It's got two thousand flushes. Everything. Okay. Yeah. No. I'm fine. Good. I know heckling. Luckily landed on stage. Why did I come here? I I haven't seen the Blue Bulls that much anymore. I wonder if those were considered like a bad for the environment or something. Oh, I could definitely imagine. I could definitely imagine. That was that like something that you like the toilet water would refill blue. Yeah. It was. It was like that's what it was. It was you when you flush the toilet water come out clear, and then there would be something in the bowl. That would turn it blue blue that was getting clean seems like it's really bad. But I don't know why. Because the oceans already blue. I mean, how bad could it be? And it was a really nice blue those really. It looked like it looked like Bermuda beach. I mean, I wanted to I literally would my toes in it. And pretend I was like a white sand beach. Oh, I would splash my face with it. Just be like, oh man to be to be in the Caribbean again to me blue. The pirates life for me. I feel like a good gag gift would be it would be a Brown one of those. It'd be a good like gag gift. So like every time you clean, your your Fleischer toilet, and it's cleaned the Brown instead of the blue plus bleed. So it's still clean, but it looks Brown. Yeah. Like a prank. That'd be really funny. Prank to plan. Your roommate like every time they flush the toilet. It would just fill up really really nasty Brown. Yeah. Or like, golden. So it looks like chicken broth in there. So you flush the toilet. It's chicken brought the plop in a little a little Mott's of all in there. So it looks like every time I shit. It was it was a mozzarell- you cut up some carrots, celery, some onion would feel. I really would love to drink out of a toilet bowl. Like. Yeah. Like egg noodles with like it was like a hot toilet bowl with Motsamal suit. I feel like if we produce something again, you would like us to have like a perfectly clean toilet bowl with really clean water, and you could drink out of it like as as a set piece. Just a you would have that feeling is that. Accurate. Would you like to do that? What the fuck are you accusing me of right now. Something again, do I want to toil? There could think out of is that we always talked for ya. Always locked preoccupied with it. Yeah. I would like to drink out of toilet next time. We shoot something is that considered? Like, why is this? Gotcha journalism. I'm admitting to it. I want to drink out of a fucking toilet. We'll a prayer a prop toilet. Oh. Yeah. What is that like a fake toilet? Oh, no. You're where are you right now? I'm on a tub the next to a bowl, and you're not eating or drinking anything. Happing having a sip. And I don't think it will LaCroix or like, you're. Oh, you're you're drinking from the toilet bowl. Yes. Like LaCroix out of the toilet bowl. I'm having soda out of the out of the ball. Poured a grow at least is it a good flavor. Yes. It's a fine flavor. It's fucking grapefruit pom-poms flavored that's the best one. Yes. All right. And I'm bobbing. I'm bobbing for a little nectarines at the bottom of why are we like turning this into like this huge fuck in witch hunt. This witch hoax. You're saying that you're drinking a toilet. You said you're bobbing for nectarines fucking twitch hoax. It really is a witch hoax. So which hoax. Folks or a hoax a witch Hoke? Yes. Which which which hoax are we talking about which nice don't bring it up. You could still move in with her. And then you can disclose your Finnity for keeping the toilet bowl. Axe absolutely clean, whether or not she's left shit stains in it, which probably won't be a a recurring theme though, he did say that her place is kind of shit hole. So like if you talk about moving together, you could talk about general cleanliness, and you don't have to be like, by the way, you left to shit stain. That's good. See you say, oh, it's time. We should talk about our third roommate and she's like wait latte. And he's like we live with someone named general cleanliness who. All right. Those are leuthi. I'm gonna teach you within two toilet bowl maintenance. Meggett? It's tough for your basic training. I am general cleanliness. I do really prefer that the toilet bowl doesn't have shit stains all over the inside of it, and you will drop. Gimme twelve. I don't know. Untold. Lift a streak bowl. Nice. Thank you sound November to. Good. Really good. Actually, I know. It's like I was like fucking sleeper. Good. But like damn that's low key. Her was with with the golden Mike this episode at the end of every episode. We have been giving each other the golden Mike for the MVP. So I think this episode what numbers this three seventy eight or so so I guess for number three seventy eight I will be taking home the golden Mike for the episode have. I we have I ever gotten a golden Mike d thing. I think in episode. There was one episode where I did one episode. I think in the early days early episode, so and you hosted with Ben so that was an episode righted and take the golden, Mike. I asked you if you've never know, of course, you'd never taken it. And you've back and retroactively given out a golden Mike for every single episode. And you've won it for every episode except for the time worked in and then the one episode that you weren't in Ben God, honestly every single episode. I've ever listened to have the line of the episode. And it's like crystal clear that deserve the golden Mike three I have three hundred seventy seven Ben Halcion. And I have to do. I have the golden mikes, which is just given to somebody that had a funny line that up. Do you think be because it's nothing you never had a funny one. I didn't say you never had a funny line. Oh for three seventy seven and having the funniest line over three seventy eight. That's worse. Yeah. I think you're funny. General cleanliness was my joke, by the way, you just I did it for like a minute. And then you said, I don't know what I've been told. I want my toilet bowl. And then that got you the golden Mike, do you think that I deserve it a little bit for coming up with general cleanliness? No, I this. I think that definitely you can't have two golden mikes. I don't want to do anything this episode. I think you're really funny this episode. I thought it was really strong. I thought general cleanliness was actually really good. Yes. I came up with general Glenis, but I really elevated it to the point where it was golden Mike worthy. And before that for that you came up with it. I'm not saying you didn't come up with it came up with it. Give me the fucking silver, Mike, then like I want you have three hundred eighty trophies. There is no silver. I would give you absolutely. If I didn't do this episode and you had to yourself you'd have to golden, Mike. That's how funny you were this episode. You did a really good job. I don't know why you're upset. You've you've declared yourself winner. Which is this whole podcast has not been a competition up until now, and you declared yourself winner of every episode not every episode Ben sorry every episode that you. You think you have the golden Mike best fuck in line of the show. And I don't have any. Nothing. You you've done a lot of episodes of this podcast. You didn't really great coast. I don't I feel like you think I'm attacking you. You are not. Say you're awesome came up. I came up with general cleanliness, we both came up with general cleanliness. Oh, no shared IP way. Might do do general cleanliness shirt like a shirt of art. Yeah. Doing his sell a general cleanliness t this is fucking so beyond fucked free to shell to cut me out of the merch game. Yeah. I by the I was the one who said came with it. Do you feel like you you feel like you should be able to sell? Yes. I think that's fair. I think you're I think you're a really good coast. You're awesome at the podcast be able to do with that you. Thank you real thing. Real for real. Thank you. But I think when it comes to funniest lines and status golden podcast awards golden Mike awards. That's a lot of my. That's my game. That's my ship. That's where I that's where I am. That's the level that I'm playing. So I'm trying to like, you're not letting me say one thing can we? The. We open it up to the public where like people can vote on who they think is the goal deal. Like, if you your it's so unequivocal unanimous that you've won every single one every single one not every single one. I don't know why you keep on saying every single one because then one one. Okay. Three hundred fucking eighty bench shorts. One one of less than one percent. It will ninety nine point fucking seven percent and Evelyn's zero not one of them. I'm saying, let's let the audience decide. Maybe there's someone out there that disagrees. The maybe our fans. Golden Mike for one episode yet. If there's an episode where everyone thinks that you on the golden Mike, I'm willing to review that I'm not willing to concede it. I'm willing to talk about it. I'm willing to revisit that revisited this week. We'll you revisit at this week if they all say, the general the general cleanliness. I can't I don't think I can let that one go because I stand to make a lot of money off of this murder ch-. Yeah. Yeah. The t shirt tune the song the song. And I think I'm like I'm going to do a book. Just like, well, general cleanliness is a really fucking cool character, all you said, all you said was general cleanliness, I turned it into a character. I did the song. Yeah. Yeah. You did the song. And obviously, I would share if you had gotten the golden Mike this episode, but I have the golden Mike. So I just don't think it's worthwhile. Yeah. All right. Yeah. That makes sense cool. I'm really happy that we do this together. I think you're super funny. And I think you're awesome in. Thank you. Let's let's call it here because you have to edit this and post it and promoted on Twitter, Instagram and stuff, you have a lot of work to do. You have a lot of work to do. But. Yeah. Passover? So I have to like, let's let's try to get today. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Okay. I just yeah. I have to you'll spend time with your family will know. Yeah. I I was going to say that I was going to all spend time with family afterwards. I got a let's here. Let's go here. Work. I you're saying that you wanna do work and that you've got to get it done before your family time, and you want to call it here. Also, I agree with you. Thanks, man. Thanks, man. Tom. Do you have your own emails? Let's the address again. It's if I were you show. Dot com. Theme songs emissions. Remember the Email address? I just said it. That's if our show at remember what it is at Email. Dot com. There's no Email dot com. It's Jim edgy Email dot com. And what else do we need? We need the songs. Emissions. Do you think you said theme song submissions and questions? And if you want to if you wanna give me the Atta boy for winning the golden Mike this week you can. Tweet at me or follow me on Instagram. Just say good job on the golden Mike this week. If you're interested in anything. Wanted to if you're interested in hearing general cleanliness exploits and adventures follow general cleanliness on general, cleanliness Graham and general cleanliness at twit on Twitter. Advocate starter for general. You're not letting you do a Kickstarter for general cleanliness. You're not doing general cleanliness. He's this general that I know what he is talking came up with them. I came up with fucking general cleanliness. You can't do a Kickstarter. Don't you? Explain what he is to me Donau. Explain what he is to me. He kind of looks like mister clean with the scar. That's what I was mentioning to actually cool. Yeah. I really wanted him to be like mister clean with the scarf. P now. Opening theme song was written by m j Colgate closing one is written by a Luke McDonald. It's a it's a cover of a song. I don't quite know. But maybe you guys can recognize it his insta- is at Luke underscore before. Underscore. You underscore forget about me. That's a long one. That's a long. I don't blame you guys for not following Luke. Thanks to Luke. Thanks to Jay. Thanks to you guys. Thanks to the the golden Mike award winner for being on this podcast with me. Thanks recognizing that. I gave you a lot. And you're like you deserve. It. Your thank you was so dumb flippantly you acted like it was something that you expected slash desert. A really I really am humbled by my three hundred golden, Mike. I can't believe this unprecedented. Unprecedented streak has gone on this long. Honestly at this point. I'm not trying to win it every week. I would love to like share the wealth and spread that around but ache you maybe one of these. Maybe one of these weeks. I'll take it next to you wanna give me an honorary one forgetting for striking out for three hundred and eighty in a row. I can't help it. I can't. All right. I'll see next week. Thanks, guys. Hey there. Everybody Jake here, aka the golden boy proud winner of this past week's golden Michael ward. Man. Thank you. Thank you so much for the honor truly it really is. It's astounding really is humbled and awestruck and. I'm honestly, I'm I'm cheesed by entire thing. I'm right chuffed about it. So thank you very much. I just wanted to let you guys know that you can actually purchase your very own general cleanliness tea. It's really something. It's really cool store dot head gum dot com. I swear to God there's actually a t-shirt that you can buy own and proudly wear at store dot head gum dot com. All proceeds will go directly to the winner of the golden Mike award, which which actually I guess this week and for many weeks past happens to be me, which is pretty neat. Thank you again for the honor and for the cash and for wearing the t and letting Amir know who's the man. All right. Thanks so much everybody Challe. Then the should. They've been to. Think and I wanna answer Email. Podcast gonna tell you. Tennis amid five. Podcast.

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