Love Radically (with Darnell Moore) - Episode 15


People welcome to ransom. Randomness. I am love you. JiJi your side. I source risk can wacky wordsmith and this is my casper. I'm talking about the things I'm loving things. I'm sideline and having great conversations with amazing people. I'm here at the recording company, bringing you the radio voice, you know, I mean, it's always, and on this episode, my feel good is behind doing a massive purge of my life ranting about why people need to respect Serena Williams and spotlight and black girls rock my guess is incredible host, author, dope person Dr now l. more and yeah, so that's jumped into it. This week. I'm feeling good about purging my closet, my office, my house. Because what happened is I end up looking at my office just looking around everywhere. There's junk everywhere. There's clutter everywhere. Now, here's the thing because I'm an influence or because I'm a writer, all that stuff out of free things sent to me, which I love. I love free stuff. Love it. But what happens is it all piles up because I'm not using all of it and I look up months later and realized there's entire rooms of my house that is full of junk and stuff, useful stuff mind you, but I can't use it because I'm only one person. So this Sunday, I decided to just spend the entire day. I'm talking twelve hours, creating piles of what I'm donating, what is no longer good that I need to throw out what I need to give away to friends and family what I need to post on EBay or whatever. So I literally dedicated the entire day to this pursuit. At the end of the day, I'm pretty sure ended up giving away or like getting rid of probably one hundred one hundred pounds with stuff. I'm talking to lamps blenders shoes makeup. All types of stuff. It was very productive in. I was insta- storing it. If y'all aren't follow me on Instagram, you should. I met lovey because I want to see if anybody else was purging in seemed that that there was a Persian day for us like t shirts have probably fifty graphic t shirts I gave no, probably more than that. I I gave away about twenty so far. And then there's a nonprofit in Chicago that I'm going to donate a lot of my close to call project style and they use fashioned to empower young girls to basically live their best lives. So my whole thing is it is always good to purge because it creates space the things that you don't need but aren't serving. You let them go and give it to somebody else who can't. So I haven't found old phones and I found out that I can donate those domestic shelters because they'll give them to women who are trying to escape abusive situations for everything. There's somebody else who can use it when when it's just collecting dust. So that purge Phil. Good. I am. I called the phase one because I still have things I can let go of some keep doing that. But so far the fact I got rid of so much stuff and I have more space makes me feel amazing. I encourage you to purge. My rent this week is about the continued disrespect of Serena Williams. Serena Williams is one of the greatest athletes of all time. She's also one of the most disrespected athletes of all time. She's been playing tennis for over twenty years as a professional, and she's proven herself over and over and over again about why she deserves to be called one of the greatest athletes of all time. Nike now has a building for named after her because they understand as she is the greatest of all time. Now, a comes with this because Rena is a black woman is that people do not want to give her the credit she deserves and people will constantly try to act like she did not earn her way to where she is like it's the intersection of racism and sexism, what she's enduring in tennis and just in general, how she's talked about in media had they try to how Tennis Association deals with her. One of those things is the fact that Serena is actually one of the most drug tested athletes according to deadspin. She's been tested for performance enhancing drugs more than twice as off. His other top American women players as in can show up her house in any given day to be like, hey, we're going to test you in case you're taking all these drugs that will enhance your performance. Now in her twenty three year career, like professional career, she's never tested positive for drugs like an for performance enhancing drugs, but she's also d- most tested because I feel like they don't really believe that she can be that good without the help of chemical substances is like, they're like, we're gonna catch one of these days. Jocelyn called her. Okay, because she's not drugging because this is just pure hard work. This is federalism. This is work ethic, yoga, Serena sometime. And then this what happened was the. The US open who knew that you has opened could be controversial. Okay. I'm just thinking tennis. Okay to athletes. So in Williams, playing guest nail Musa Asaka who's a twenty year old who was half Asian Haitian half Japanese. And she basically ended up being disrespected because the empire penalizes her with the game point. And because three knows basically standing up for herself, the whole event makes me upset because it is perfect capture of one what it's like to be a black woman who's amazing at the work that you do because people are gonna constantly try to discredit you. People are going to constantly get mad because you advocate for yourself because they will call you angry and aggressive. They will say that you are not being a team player and when she said the unpire, you mean apology, it was like she was saying, if every black woman who's been in that position who anytime she wants to speak up for herself, she's told to sit down. Down. A comic a cartoon came out in the herald sun Australian herald sun from cartoons call Mark night that showed Serena. He drew Serena basically as a brute who's throwing a tantrum breaking Haracic with a pacifier next to her and drew Naomi Osaka as a blonde girl to further other Serena because she, he, they're like, you know what? We want to point out the fact that this really black girl. Is throwing a tantrum on the field. Here's the thing in tennis in sports in general, men throw tantrums all the time. Have you ever seen John McEnroe footage? The dude will almost tackle the empire. So for Serena, to be the one that singled out, like they find her seventeen thousand dollars for this, it's maddening and to get the sap of disrespect constantly. For me, it's just like it's just racist is despicable. I'm appalled by it, and she always deals with it with so much grace after being constantly tested for drugs after having your opponents right chapters in memoirs, blaming you for their losses after the media wants to call you all the names, but a child of God, I would want to just drop kick everybody in the face. Sweden is always like, you know, I'm just going to keep playing sport. She doesn't deserve any of the disrespect that she gets. She has worked so hard. And I mean, I don't know what else people want from this woman. She's proven time and time again that she's. Earned every single wind that she's gotten on that field that even when they're trying to tell her, you can't wear that outfit because they think is disrespectful to other people which how is me win a black catsuit disrespectful to the sport. Okay, no matter what they throw at. Her always comes up at on top and I am. I find it important that we continue to speak up for her because how much fight and can she do for herself in these places? So we have to constantly affirm her. We need to publicly support her Billie. Jean King who's are idle said on Twitter, when a woman is emotional, she's hysterical and she's penalized for it. When a man does the same, he's outspoken and there are no repercussions. Thank you. Any Williams for calling this double standard voices are needed to do the same. So even Andrew, right. A coup retired from tennis said on Twitter. Regrettably said worse, and I've never gotten a game penalty. So we Serena, I want, you know, you've listen ranch randoms, but in case you do is won't let you know that you, they come at you because they see your power, but they cannot stop it. And we see you, we, we stand with you and things get rough, but you've already clinched your spot as a as a goat greatest of all time. So even if Serena never plays another tennis game, which of course she will because that's what she does, and the game need her if she never plays it. She's already a hall of Famer antennas like she never had to do like the racket never has to be picked up again, but I'm just heartened in an inspired by how much she handles this, how well she handles this, the grace under constant fire, how people try to come for her body and her skills and her human, her character. And she always stands up. Paul and now she has a daughter. So she's like, look, I'm definitely unbothered by child because I have a whole human to raise and she's married and she seems happy. But on this court, she's still deserves way better treatment. And I am hoping that one day we get to the point where black women do not constantly have to not just be good at our jobs, but then we also have to babysit people's egos because they feel bad when they lose to us Serena's gonna always win, even when she doesn't win on the court. My spotlight this week is black girls rock. So black girls rock was created by a Beverly bond in two thousand and six to celebrate black women who are trailblazers change makers or dynamos in their respective fields. It really shows importance of creating spaces celebrate black women because there's so many spaces that won't and don't. And so many spaces that tell us that we don't deserve to be celebrated, which is why black girls rock is really import. Didn't. The mission of the actual organization is to change the world by empowering black girls to lead innovate and serve and black girls. Rock Inc is a five. One c three nonprofit has been committed to enriching girls, leadership education, positive identity development. I've actually spoken at the black girls lead conference which Beverly throws every year in summer where she brings about seventy young girls for three days to talk to boss women and women who do an amazing things. And it's such a good space for these girls to see what's possible because a lot of us don't understand what's possible unless there's an example of it in front of us. Black girls rock is also multifaceted movement dedicates shift in the cultural paradigm of media music that often negatively impact women and girls. So the award show happens once a year where black girls rock honors Jeb black women who just doing dope stuff and it just happened black rock, twenty eight, teen just aired Naomi. Campbell won the black magic award. Jennifer Jackson won the rockstar ward. Judith, Jamison won the living legend award. Lena wait, was a shot caller of the year. Mary j. Blige was the star power awardee and my girl to run a Burke was community change agent. It's two hours of celebrating those of us who are breaking through in able to live the lottery wanna live and do amazing work. If you haven't watched the show bts been Riera in it. So. Catch one of those. I'm especially proud of Toronto Burke who is the woman behind the metoo movement. I've known Toronto for probably six years and seeing her on that stage dressed in all gold, looking like a trophy herself. I was like, you better come on black holes. Rack is important. It's not just an affirmation even though that affirmation we need to say over and over again, black girls rock because in the world that doesn't let us that doesn't wanna firm our value that can't be taken for granted, but just having that our two hours, which by the way was hosted by Queen Latifah this year to pause to really applaud and give people their roses while they're here. You cannot underestimate it and it's just could work being done. Beverly I, she just came out with a book. This was this year this year that I contributed to call black. Earls rock that has chapters written by different women. I'm talking like a, do Rene wrote a chapter. There's Jessica, oh, Methuselah who runs uncharted play, wrote a chapter and it's just gorgeous coffee table book that allows you to see what people who are visible and doing great work are up to in their views on life. Lupita and younger wrote a chapter. It's your pick it up. That's on Amazon Barnes and nobles anywhere where books are being sold. But basically it's a movement is the continued love and celebration and. Affirmation of black womanhood, black girlhood in in this time where it's so necessary. So showing love to black girls rock all the things. You know, the show, the nonprofit, the conference, the book, y'all do that to follow them on social media, black girls rock, I think on all social platforms and let's keep supporting each other unless keep being loudly vocal, but how dope we are. And one day, all of us will start really believing that we do rock. So randomness fan. I'm Anne soy excited to welcome, author activists and just don't person my friend Dr knell more to the show, Dr knell. Welcome you. I'm glad to be on. Let me give people your bio. So they understand bigness that is on your. That's on the side. So Darnell l Moore is head of strategy and program for US for breakthrough TV. He is former editor at large caches urban one, a communist logo TV dot com. New next dot com. And it contributed to at Matt Mike, where he hosted, they're widely viewed digital series movement, which is so good. Yes, check it up. He writes regularly for ebony advocate vice guardian. He was one of the original black labs matter organizers organizing bus trips from New York to Ferguson after murder of Michael Brown Moore is a writer in residence at the center of African American religion, sexual politics, and social Justice, Columbia University. He's taught at NYU Rutgers Fordham laud Darnell Jesus. And he was trained at Princeton theological seminary. His first book, no ashes in the fire came out in may twenty eighteen. Y'all welcome Dr knell. Okay. Just file is I can't stand by. I hate whenever people read my ballots because I'm always like, this is the longest thing ever. I feel so I don't know by over so I don't know, but it's because like you've done so much. So sometimes seen reflected back to you kinda makes you blush a little bit blush, and then you know, you know how it is. I, what I, what I've done now like rather than people like people say, like, what do you do? I now do you want me to tell you what I love and that really face a different type of conversation. So when people ask you, what do you love what you say? I say I love using whatever skills, talent, access point. I have to spark transformation within our communities and to do stuff for the love of black people in whatever way I can. We respond for whether that's writing whether that's teaching, whether it's organizing with communities, whether it's new using media to do my work, all of it is grounded in this thing goal and that to make sure that our folk are good and that they're represented and that we can transform our world. That because that does change the conversation who told changes because you know when people when we people, typically what they do, they ask you like what you do. They wanna know how you make money. Like what you pay your bills. And I'm like, well, that's the important part. What's important? I do what I, what I do is where that feeds my spirit and my stomach. And that's the end. Listen Ainhoa like the whole. What do you do think it's interesting because many of us do so many things so becomes hard. The what do you love kinda shows your spirit and shows your heart and why you do what you actually do exactly who love it. So I usually start by asking when you were little Dr Darnell. What did you want to be when you grow up? Do when you grow up? Oh, my gosh. So let me just paint a picture for your little now was dressed up. I call it hurts close. If anybody. I was a little thin scrawny little boy, big glasses, dress pants that were like flood a little white socks on the church and trench coat. The funniest thing I used to wear suits invest. I wanted to be a preacher and a doctor. Those are the two things I wanted to do. I love church is the likes the the black folk holiness church. I went to flip it out, Charlotte ending, catching the Holy Ghost for their pews, and I used to play. So I did that. I used to play Churchill. My sister's at my cousin, like I was the pastor and I used to play school where it would be the teacher. That's what I wanted. And and a doctor like funny, like all of those things at the core of it is all about like helping. They're helping professor and in so many ways I've sort of done that, you know, went to a graduated from seminary. So I'm done the preacher Li thing, and I got a degree in clinical counseling. So I've done this sort of helping therapist thing. Yeah, I see a resident of all those things my work now I get to preach, but it's just a different message on a different pool pit. Like Donald writing, he'd be over here, dropping sermons and in this book preaching. Okay. So so when you want it to be preacher growing up. How does that work for somebody who's like eight or ten or twelve the ages where children are really kind of like carefree wanting to be a preacher so young, that means you very focused on this idea that your purpose was to help people. You know what. Funny. Like I, I was a young boy like I'm really was and the like, this sounds so corny and a little weird. But like I used to take the bible with sneak the bible to my bathroom and read the bible, like reading those, those, those the books to that real numbers and clearly asked you that really got a lot to say, and I was reading those scriptures very young and I would talk to God just like I'm talking to you. And this is before I was like formerly formerly introduced to the church, always had this this affinity for spirit and affinity for connection. I think part of it has to do with so much hell was kind of going on in my home at the time, a lot of intimate partner violent. And I think what happens when like shit is happening in your life. You know what I'm saying? Particularly kid, what hell is breaking loose? You really don't have a lot of people to call for help you sort of its win spirit is more pronounced or at least you feel like you have this access to to something. Bigger than your present circumstances that can help you that can help us. So I would pray like for as all my report card and also pre forgot to my dad outta my house because it was harming my mother and I swear to you. I would say, just like that guy. Can you please help me to get even my report card when MRs. Troops plants? And can you get your dad out of my house and surprisingly enough. I got all even before. And I was like, God is real. And you know, my dad eventually the abuse with stop because at some point he he was incarcerated actually, and then eventually moved out. But for young people for young people, I think it's important to the member that you know, young people have Spiritualized that young people have curiosities that we dreamed that young kids are actually like thanking deeply about the world and their circumstances. And sometimes you know, and I was still playing on my big wheel. I was still doing other things that kids do, but I, I saw a world I saw was going on, and I think sometimes we forget that kids can see or perceive what's happening in the world, even if we don't think they can. Ability to to shield themselves from what's happened in the world. So as you tell these stories, all of this is actually in no ashes in the fire. Your book that just came out in may. I told you that I read that book in like a week. Your book was so vulnerable. It was so open. It was introspective. It was just you could see your heart in the words. One of the things about your book that stood out is when you were talking about grownup in your household and your father being abusive. I want you to kind of talk about how you were able to write that. How were you able to take that and put it on paper. Well, that was it was hard, hard work. I went rented a place in Atlanta for about three months, and I went down right at least the first part of the book by myself. So I was in this house by myself, and I looked a mess Lil life. Oh my gosh. Like I remember calling some friends on time why you look like. And I was like, I'm sitting here by myself, like revisiting these memories and, and you're not just writing putting memories on a page like you're actually traveling back to the feeling to the motion, right? You're welcoming those things back. So think about moments fem- for example, where I'm recalling, like a moment of either intimacy, you know, I talk about moments of beauty and intimacy with my father, and I feel sort of fuzzy nece that comes in my belly from that and also talk about moments where I see him acting while while it out and to think about those things always brings back recurring villains and it was really hard. Right? And I was telling I laugh now I was telling my publisher. I seen it all the time when I'm on book, talk like publishers for black writers who are particularly interested in telling stories that are complex. Meaning they may have hope. They may be hopeful. They make you laugh. Sometimes make you cry for the most part when you black writing words with an anti-black, where with an award, if you're queer anti queer and TRAN, like sometimes you wanna be writing about trauma traumatic shit, and I'm like, publishes need to be in our contracts and like yell and I'm gonna make sure you get this advance, but we're gonna make sure you gotta therapist. Yes, I think that's like necessary. All black writer. They'd get a therapist like the, yes. I fully agree because in reading your book and one, one of the gifts that you have with words, is it transforms you in it takes you into the moment that you're describing. So as you're just grabbing the moment of beauty, I can almost feel you smiling through these words, and then what you're describing the moments of trauma. I literally sometimes put the book down to be like, who? Okay. Let me keep on going. Like as a writer, how do you capture that? And that's really hard. That's really, really, really, really hard because you put your heart on paper. And that's really what it was like. I kept thinking like if I'm right this book, you know coats did say that one point he's interviewed. I can't remember what publication and they say like, what? What advice would you give somebody right in a memoir? And he said to not fucking lie. And I was like, damn, I can't. If I'm a right this. I got to tell the truth. Yeah, and the truth maimed, like it means bearing one heart on a page. I want people to really get a sense of what it feels like within the life world of like not only my life, but you know, I wrote about my parents were young when I was born, you know, fifteen and sixteen, and I wanted to read a set of what am I feel like to be a young parent? You know, like I'm like, I can't barely take care myself. Now I'm old and my bid. I make well, it's good money. You know what I'm saying? I got resources and access to people if I need help. You know some some do some dumb shit to me like I can call somebody up. You know what I'm saying and get like legal representation. But my parents would fifteen and sixteen. You know what I mean? And like I barely big cooking good for myself. Now I'm my food because of it. I'm like, how do that every day they feed me like, how did they make provision? And I wanted like to really give give bring to the fore like the life went a black people who grew up in space like idea like candy, New Jersey. Let me hollow represent candy New Jersey real quick. That's home and I, I'm like, this is the story about us. It's a story about my city, my family young people who may or may not have endured and and and strive and thrive. There's some things like idea. There's a story about survival. It's a story about love and hope, and that's a lot out of me. I will say at on this side of the book is done, I'm a different person because of like I feel so much more whole like literally my my father passed while I was writing a book, the writing of the book became like started. It was healing for me and actually feel so much closer to him on on even as he transcended into the spirit. And I did before I wrote the book. So it helped. This love this. This book is a love letter to your life. Thus far. I. Movie fits in love, but I'm gonna make sure that's on the paperback. Paperback. They love letter like it's, it's, it's like, you can see you from giving yourself your past mistakes and forgiving your parents and just becoming the person that you are now, why was now the time to write it? Because I'm sure you've thought about doing it before while you finally ready? I, you know, I don't know if we ever are really ready. You know what I'm saying? Like the book that here is not the book I wanted to write. I didn't really want to write a memoir, don't think granted narcissistic and grandiose, like I do. You know, because we have the IT. Then them wires are supposed to be the like these. These grand gestures of success are like one about overcome who can talk, you know, like certain type of person as opposed to write a memoir. He's supposed to be older, you suppose to have done some shit like, this is what I thought, but that's a misreading of the John memoirs. Not biography is not like, you know, I'm telling sort of chronological story from birth until now memoirs a for personal writing life, writing that your that. If you can do it well to somehow draw out beams that can connect to larger world and community. And I wrote it now because you know, I was working on a book that was more cultural criticism. You know, the name, it was more head unless heart and people would read the drafts. They were like, you know what? Sticking out to us your stories, and we will love to hear more of your stories. And when it made me think about which is why I like applaud you for your work so much of what attempts to do. Is sort of blocked because of language who gets have access to what language we talked to the choir and what I wanted to do with to use stories without ever having to use words like intersex analogy without ever having using words, I didn't have to say like black feminism, words that we know we get it right. I could just use stories. I could talk about my mom, all you have to know that my mom had sixteen she had to drop out. She was forced to drop out of school. She was forced in so many ways, right to get government assistance. She had to raise for kids making a minimum wage. That was something like seventy five and our picking boxes off the back of like that without ever saying intersection -ality. By the time you read her story, you'll get it. That's that's what intersex is about. It was specifically written with her in mind, right? So that's why I wrote the book now, Secondly, that laughing, like I really am with as much as we have representation. I'm not. We say we need more representations black queer and transgender non-conforming voices. Yeah, we get bits of it here and there we have moonlight. We have pose a fence which I love them both, right? We have the work of playwrights like done. Jake, our love. We have a bunch of writers who are writing Starlink Carithers shoutouts just came out with unapologetic black feminist queer mandate for radical movements. So these books we have Patrisse Cullors. We have a lot of stuff, but it's still not enough those like on a grand scale within an industry that has largely publishing industry has largely white. That is largely organized around the knees white male writers, which means that if you black one, if you're black woman to if you like black queer. And trans and women, three and not, and still not writing like within sorta these rains respectability, like using language, you trying to write for your people, even hot. It's less. We know it because this is our tried, right? We know these names, but in the large scale, we still need more. I was writing against that. I was writing to say that black, the narratives of black weird transgender, non conforming people to especially those where economically disenfranchised, especially those who are not always imagined as alive and respected in our freedom. Dreams are stories as to be able to. Saying, when I actually saw a wholesome Dardanelles book talk in Chicago. I think your book is going to give a young black boy, the language to speak about who he is, and that is what we're talking about when we're talking about not preaching to the choir because we can talk to each other, those of us who have platforms voices every day, but is how do the people who don't have this gets a speak. And part of what you did in this book is to give that language. And there's one of my favorite parts of this is when you told your mind that you were gay. And you said she gave her, she gave you the freedom. I want you talk about that gave me the freedom. I love. I just I still funny. I did an event yesterday was certainly Carruthers read from and we talked about you. We lifted name. I read that part of the book because you know, like I, I lived twenty years walking with fear that my family who I knew who who never demonstrated anything, but love from me with somehow reject me if I were to and I, you know, I, I don't now say coming out inviting in because I come out of shit. I, you know, people don't come on. Y'all come. Shit on bite you in the Taliban, active grace to be invited into these adds to the deepest parts of my life. So when I went to her at work, I call my job. I was her text message actually. And you know, the old school phones like the flip phone and I was like, damn, as I was watching the line go, I was like, hope it don't go pro and it did and she got it. And she responded right away. And I think she was waiting. She had been waiting for me talk to her and she came to my office, what's wrong, and I was like, what's wrong? And I was like, you know, she asked me if I was six asked me if I can't. If I had as I said, no. And I just said, I have a boyfriend and she's like, I knew that already like. What she's like. I was waiting for you to say something. L.. Sisters? No, too. By the way we've been talking about this years. Do you only went aim though? But she said, you know, but you're my son. And I love you. And she also said, I want you to know that anyone that cannot love. You don't deserve to being your life. And she said, you know, that means people your friends and the church. And I swear to you like that. That moment was pivotal for me. It one? Yeah. Was like I literally had to start like I'm about to go shirt. That'd be like a gay is. About Bobby, love me give. Why'd you go sir? But then I was like, damn like something. What it demonstrated with the power of affirmation and acceptance. And I cannot I cannot say enough, especially to parents that moment when mom are data sister, a brother of family that you create, look face and said, you, I love you can mean a difference between someone living are not because that was a moment in my life when I was really, really, really, really trying to take myself out of here. Her saying that to me, gave me additional push that I needed to literally live, and I'm just so grateful for her like she's the next day. My mom's still today they does not drive. 'cause she, oh, she, oh school from the city. She makes you went. She make everybody else drive around, but the train as she should. She deserved traveled two hours away by public transportation to come here to give. A chemo in Newark and to meet my partner, who at was he met ashamed, speak for like the first like, you know. Everybody Bagley day gift. She gave very much aside. I s I gave a strong boot like he was like, not. But it would act love like an, I c, c helped me to live and I stayed at everywhere. I go. Listen that my goodness, we do not understand the power of our worse to other people in the moments that they might need it the most and they don't even realize it. And like the power silences too because I told her, you know, the reason why say inviting in because what it does, it takes on off of the one person who is expected to name oneself disclose and invitation that invitations for all of us. Because as a parent, I told her, you know, you have always said something to me. It's like, I didn't know how you respond, but I'm like, imagine if you would have said this to me six, six years ago, twelve years ago, you know, after them, boys tried to, you know, jump me and try to light meal fire. Imagine if you would have said like, ooh, like you, my son. I know these, I know these kids picking on you because of what they think. But I want you to look in the mirror and love yourself. Let's everybody is self right like, you know how that could have shifted the landscape of my life. And this is why I'm like with young people. This is what I really do my work for them. You know, because I want them, like you said, I want some young person to read that book or they're here to don't care my somebody's work to watch moon to watch something to get access to some. So they could feed themselves. No, that they're worthy of love and life. That, oh, that is so real. Wow. Imagine if she had said that six years ago. Yeah, we always think we have more time. We only we, I mean, a young young kid. I'm damn it. I'm I'm heading myself being able to remember his name, but a young boy over the last two weeks. I think died years old, have school and and committed suicide. S I heard about that. I heard about that. Any seem like nine nine. Honestly, we, we think we're further along than we really are. Like, we assume, oh, because we have. We might have queer friends openly, gay friends, trans friends. We're like, oh, the world is accepting. No. The world is still full of trash people who will like, who will other other people for not living the lives. They live. So it's always a moment of shock for me to hear stories about the little boy who killed himself because he was being bullied for being gay. His name. I just pulled up his name Djamil miles. Yeah, his name. That's right. Nobody deserved of me. You know, you know, from what I can tell his parents loved him, you know. But I was telling people, I don't care. You know, we say like black girls rock black girls and magic are black point magic or black people or magic. And I'm like, I don't care how magical we are. I don't care how strong we are. Sometimes you don't have enough magic within oneself and you had the possession are enough strength to to move against constant stream hatred. Yep, you understand what I'm saying? Like black trans. Women are like God is because what we say, they're also being killed at unprecedented numbers. Like I, I think lost count, but it was like nine, like just this year, like three folks just last week. In the same city, three, trans women. So like it is this idea. You know that black people have to always be so strong that you know, black girls always have to be. So Madge ain't that much magic in the world. Anyone in the world you can whip out when you're under constant attack, you know? Yep. Yep. Like Serena, like, which is why we. Looked like we are here for you as they try to tear you down. I think it's a constant work to make sure that we are doing the community work each other because when the rest of the world is point EROs, at us, we gotta be the soft place that we land on. So you're really gonna find three and a seventeen like really wanted to start like, go find me like less pay like, look Serena, gonna, pay it off like a bucket, but imagine the fact that she she shouldn't even have to. It's it's maddening. It's actually mad, which is why we have to be super, super, super committed to being ultra pro black. I'm talking, we gotta do something, nullified the rest of the world foolishness. Exactly. Let me tell you like my mantra is the we cannot do to each other what the system that and always say, you know, if we are black and we in the world is always at the ready to dispose of. We can't turn around and dispose of one another. And that means and particular moment like this where things I call out culture with things like sort of retribution and punishment, which are consequences of us being socialized. I'm using these fancy words like we've been taught to believe that the only way that we can manage people's to lock them up the literally like, you know, we have prisons and jails, we know that mostly black people are in them so that when folk when we're in community, that's the way we respond to one another, but we can't do that like radical black love is about, you know. So we, we hear people talking about abolishing prisons because we understand that they are not routes to freedom. But I mean on a micro level, I'm talking about on a level of relationships. Like if we dispose of one another, we only aid white whites. So I've been on this kick where I really thinking hard about what it means because the danger and talking about not disposing of people is like, we don't have the language, are the imagination are some some of us, right? We haven't the, we don't have the reality of what it means to deal with people being on punishment and way. I'll get the way I explain this. I come from a family, a black family from Camden, a large family that are my grandparents home was always full like my mom and I, my sisters and I lost our home. I was destroyed. They took us in right. So we, I was on one cows. My mom was on the couch, my sister's upstairs another. My aunt, her kids where we feel that how the like it was like we was all up in there on quilts laying all over the place. But this is important because what it means that I don't care what you did. You might have like, did some some horrible shit the week before Kosta cousin stole something from the house. You might be out there going through some substance abuse issues are just getting out of jail. If you knocked on their door, they will never let you go without eating are put you on the street. You would never go. That's the type of family I had to me that is sort of representation of radical black love. It means thinking about what Pfister's need to be put in place so that all can be welcomed. Even people that do that do wrong. Not that we do wrong and not hold them account. Right now we hold people accountable. We create conditions for folk to to name they're wrong and to get better. But like in ties like these to your point, it's about like love and each other enough to say like, look, we're gonna figure out how we all get right. But because we know that there's a world that's rated a tear you up. We're going to bring you back in and that's just real. That's just that's why, like I look at people, I Meyer like it takes a lot of bravery to be out here be on like the social media where other than the world being media Baker, I forgotten quiet over the last year. I remember Nikki Moniz fans tour threes. I go back with the Twitter. Broth is rough. RAV and all that said was I laughed when I was a day. Somebody said the Nicki Menaj was the greatest rapper. And I said, ha ha ha baby fae came at me. I know I've experienced it, it's it's tough, especially when you're people's other one like, you know, coming for your neck. So it's one of those moments where it's like, did we forget grace. I've also feel when you brought up earlier. I was thinking like, honestly, I feel like we now wear pains as badges of honor, and then we dispose of it on social as opposed to deal with it in a space like they're happy and I really hope more of us seek it out because it's really helpful. And it's easy. I always say like social media, what it does, it really allows operators avatar. And and avatars at the postal complex human beings with failing who can be seen as having feeling who can be seeing this haven't hurt enjoys pain. So what you do is you can attack thing that you only feel like an animate. You know, your representation represents sensational self like not a real human being right? And we deal with each other that way, which is why I have to navigate very cavalierly because I want to remember like, okay, on other end of this, like I know that folk only sometimes community within virtual space, and I respect that. But I'm also like, you know, sometimes we got a. Like I want all of to be surrounded by the type of support and the type of care in the real world too. And virtual reality is will social media Israel community in real space. But like you said, I think so many times we act out are like. Yes, we act out like a lot of our pain sometimes are meanness sometime because we feel like we're only targeted shit like a an appetite like a, you know, you just become something like a profile pic. And not a real person. The black radical love means we just gotta treat each other better. And I also like you said something about grace. I don't. I always say gracious and sheep. So I don't like to talk about like grace. The hard markets American idea grief. I mean, grace means like you're standing care and type of type of love, or at least a holding space that is enough for people to come to their senses to make amends. You know, it's not cheap. It's just being like people do you own right, and you just like automatically forgive them. It means now as part of grace, it means that we're going to change in the process. So I do think you're right that we need to be more graceful. I think that our criticism needs to be more generous. And I think that a big part of our work is also having stuff reflection and being self reflected like being able to for you call my said, I call it home. You know what I'm saying and then do what we can to make that right. That's real. So you on another? No. Your fascist like out here given looks okay. I when I got my haircut I was like, I need a part because done by to get a part. So my own custom part, like how do you use your clothes in your style to tell your story. I love mother and I've always have. And that's the thing you know, I get tripped a lot like you out here. It's like black love and social Justice, but you up. Gucci. While we got to pick one and why we got to pick way looping. But you know how the wear that I was, I go. I was working real book. Say my little corner to get my little white kicks and cleaning them things with toothbrush. Listen, I play. I come from a family though, like where when I'm talking about style, I mean even with little, we were able to sort of stylized ourselves. Satory like anesthetics was just like super port and like my mom would not let my sister's walk out the house unless the hair was done type of thing. Right. Couldn't even walk to the store unless we close on you fill me like there was no going to the store and pajamas you find your shirt. You is some pants type of thing. I was in leather pants and a ruffled shirt with a like a like a hat on for like when I was in when I was ten, my mom dressed me. So the route the roots run deep, but I as a black person who's perceived as man's gender, you know, bearded out walking through the world like us style one as form of stuff, representation. It's political for me to like, I just like one, I wear what I feel like I dress according to how I feel, which is important. But I also like I know inside to give a talk, this is perfect ample at this conference that was about a brought people from around the country. Mayors, their staff preachers pull bunch of people who do work with black men and boys, right into conversations. This was not to go, I think. And I know that most people in that room when they think about blackboard, the men. Thank that the bosom and they ought to be fight for are mostly straightened tender, right that the people. Imagine there my so you know what I were to get my closing keynote a red. Calvin Klein suit. Yes, yes would goes ripe aside and that was the satori choice. I made that shows in a room where people I knew would be in suits mostly in ties or grain type of way back. Right? Because it represents. And I was like, you know what? Number where there's red suit. So like that was a move that I did to push against the norms, the rules that tell me as a black man that I am supposed to tighten myself restrict myself confined myself cage myself. So some rules like I'll wear like a long as MU like I'll be look. And what I love is when I walk into the streets best, I are anywhere really. And people just be looking like, yeah, he's straight. I've got a bit and like a long shirt on that kind of looked like a drip like what he giving he's giving you. Wait, because then you have little kids like a little boy that always run up, like yo, mister, you are so fly like that looks so nice. And that is just like, I want to, you know, give fashion for me as like freedom. Yeah, I just come out the cage. I'm like, I wear whatever. I feel I'm gonna give me some. Yeah, I'm sure it's real short and that's what I'm not like that next thing, you know, I got to do my neighborhood. They got to save. So. Style. Okay. Style kind. Instagram, like yes, Dr nail? Yes. Anytime you a fresh cut he posted, I'd be like, come on with this lining. That is so crisp heavy. I love it and I think it's the duality. You don't have to be. So yes, you should be to wear Gucci sneakers whenever you want, and also then be in a fist up t shirt it, we can together correct one through. Okay. Why not? So do all of this like activists lecturer teacher, author hosts all of that, how you taking care of yourself? What is self care looking for you? Gosh, soda, that's an important question right now as I am battling yada just developed last week, and this is. I'm so glad you. Oh my gosh. So that developed partially sometimes response to stress sometimes response to travels traffic a lot. And you're sitting. It's your attic nerve which is sort of new your, but not your leg at the bottom of your spy. I'm on pain, like I'm on pain meds right now. A few months before that ended up in a hospital for five days with the condition car arrived on my Ellis's which the breakdown of your muscle tissue that flows into your bloodstream and can damage your kidneys. What happens and I'm telling this this is so important. What happens is you you have a a protein critic highways. You always have one hundred fifty to two hundred count. My count was two hundred eighty eight thousand. Yeah, and I ended up hospitalized for five days. You know how that happened because I started working out with a new trainer and we overdid it next day. I got up and shovel. And so what's interesting about this is that my body over the last month as sort of my travel have kicked has been speaking very loudly to me. The RAB DOE was like my body saying you over, did it? You know what I'm saying? I was the hydrated when I was working out. I was, you know, worked out in trouble the next day hospitalized for five days best. My very first pre book launch event because I was at the hospital. My body was screaming. Then I'm sitting here now literally sitting here with Atika. Again, my body is like you're doing the most. For particularly for black people, not just black men, but like black folk who are some somehow we are, and this is issue, black man who will have pains, but we will normalize are paying. I'm supposed to feel that way if that work out, you know this painting my leg. I'm just keep walking, you know, and so you back in the hospital. So I've been much more mindful about listening to my body. You know, I gotta travel six flights between tomorrow and Sunday, and I'm doing a couple of things like y'all if I'm coming over for hours, I don't care what your book I literally have a condition that requires me not to be too long. You better like you've got to business class or first class, or I'm not coming. You understand 'cause you're not paying my medical bills either the types of things I have to do or saying like, you know what? My body right now is screaming and I can't come. So I'm really, really, really been my forties early. You know, I'm forty two and black. You know what this like, this is that aid. I really have to be thinking about my life like my wellbeing, not just my spirit, but my body to and in terms of my spirit, I spend lots and lots of time alone and in very like small curated community a friend because I'm in front of a lot of people a lot, and a lot of energy mostly good. But you know, like the what people don't see like they, you know, you know, some people. They like you live such a. I'm like, you don't wanna switch. You can't even listen like, do you know like you saw me yesterday on that state at the time? Very, but I was on pain meds. Gus the rea- you understand like or like, you know, I'm out here. I still have a life. I still have you know, intimate life when I can have it. You know, I still gotta do things like making sure I have. So I, I really tried to to keep a community of ability. I have a big brother and close friend who's a doctor who checks up on me, like become something like my personal doctor, my landlord and like, see, the big sister of mine is also a medical doctor and my best friend like they all like everyday like where you, what are you doing. Feeling an incurred just two things I did. I went away to the mountains this past weekend and did nothing. I like eight at the fire pit and walked by the river the weekend before that I went to beach house and just try to take time to myself with people that I love quite trust who loved me back. That's so important is we as every guest this because I need people to understand what it looks like when you're prominent invisible it. My all look nice, but we need to figure out ways to take care of ourselves. So that is clutch. That's so clutch. So I need you to make sure you are taking care of yourself, say no to whole bunch of people. That? No. Is that the ready? Okay. Because if this leg Tell you. This leg in by tonight I get on a plane. The mall. Weekly people don't have to deal. They go out to guide me. FaceTime him in Google, hangout him and something take yourself. Look, I think it's so important. So I really appreciate that. And you are love in person. You are walking form of love, and I really, really appreciate you for coming on random, randomness and blessing us with these words of wisdom. Actually on it. You know, I love me some lovey. You want the best and I want everybody. Like if you're listening episode and you, you don't pick up no ashes in the fire me, you're going to be. I need about this book. It's everywhere. Books are sold Amazon Barnes and noble, all independent bookstores, grab a copy because his book is a gift to the world. Thank you Dr. Now I'm I'm gonna tax. You see how you doing. You know, stay stay up, stay will stay black. That's the one thing I got back. I'm gonna stay back, stay black. Choice. Yeah, you keep keep star and thanks for having me on. Shutouts Darnell more joining me. Y'all see why I love him so dearly, he is a vessel of wisdom drops gems. Every time he speaks, please follow him on social media. He's at more Darnell on Facebook and Instagram and more underscored Darnell on Twitter. That's m. o. r. e. d. a. r. n. e. l. l. and pleased by his book, no ashes in the fire you visit, his website are no more dot com for information on his tour on his book and all that stuff. And his book you can buy anywhere where books are sold, much less Chicago recording company for partner with me on this in bringing me the radio voice subscribe to Ranta randomness on apple podcasts out of five soundcloud wherever you get it. Please also rate it review all that because if you review it, I might actually shut you up on this show. Follow the podcast on social media on Twitter at ranch, randomness, no, and an on Instagram. It's at rants and randomness now get a lot of questions in my messages, and I think a lot of them will be good to answer a bonus episode because they're so universal. If you'd like to semi question that would possibly be answered on the show. Email me at lovey, rents edgy mill dot com. That's lovey rents at g. mill dot com. And as always follow me on social media, I'm lovey everywhere v. i. e. c. on the next episode.

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