Joe Rogan, Joe DeRosa, Joe Zimmerman, Joe List

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

You're listening to comedy central. I still remember the moment when I was younger that I learned that the sun is also a star blew my mind. I was twenty seven. Like what? You mean those tiny little stars? Some of them are as big as the sun. Some of them are bigger than the sun. No. Stupid. They're just little twinkles. I was watching Neil degrasse Tyson to a special about the size of the university said there's ten times more stars than all the grains of sand on earth. I was like, who counted the sand? Is special. I mean, beaches desert's zen sand gardens? Neil degrasse Tyson should do a special on that guy. These sounds interesting. Welcome to another episode. Stand up with Chris, Cornell with me has always been co-boys. Hey, chris. How's it going comedy central close in the building? And it's gonna be fun today. It's always fun though, because it's just stand up and we're just being funny and silly. Yeah. What else do you want podcast in the world, did we should start doing this podcast? Like we should have fun things in here. Like to eat. What's a fun thing you off? I get fun. Thanks for you to eve, like a K. I literally to do whatever you say. So let's just have an ice cream cake in here every fucking. It's a thousand agrees in here on ice cream. That's why that line ni does this ice cream a smelting like the reactor extra noble? Shoutout. Josh for an all their disclosed. Yeah. Watch that show. So what today what are what are we got? I wanna know I wanna start knowing now to, to mentally prepare myself and emotionally, spiritually prepared myself. Who do we have stand up from today's episode we got stand up from Joe's Zimmerman Jody Rosa Joe Rogan and Joe list? Wow. So the theme of this one is straight white males. That is correct. Correct named Joe. Joe is the theme. Joseph good name j-o-s-e. I do know some Joe's do you know these jobs. I do. I know these. Yes, I know. Well, here's the thing. I know. Joe Zimmerman we did our half hour specials on the same blow Joey easy. I know Joe DeRosa Joey, no shoulders, everybody knows Joe DeRosa. I know from the Opie and Anthony days where France we went to the LA dodgers game two seasons ago with the great aunt Harris shadow dodgers. Joe rogan. I mean, everybody knows I'm familiar with this. I've never met him. I've certainly never done this. Get you on the pod. We have to get in on the pot. You know, we'll, I don't know. I would love to do it. But what would you talk to him about? Well, let's let's finish. Okay. Do you know Joe list? I do know Joe list. I know Joe listen. I, I know Joe list, extremely while it seemed this penis, that's all. Let's say the best the closest way to know someone I've seen so many don't know anyone. I don't know anyone. I I wasn't gonna bring that up fuck. Fine, fine. Nice single person. Yeah. I I've seen a lot of comedians who went onto are very well known. I've seen their flaccid penises for medical reasons, Louis CK. No, I wish I think now that's. Now. That's. I have seen their penises because I used to be physical therapist and a lot of communities. Don't have health insurance are Donut appoint in their career, and I would tell them like, hey, I'm a fiscal therapist. I know it's a doctorate degree. But, like I'm not a real doctor can't help you, but they would pull out their penises anyway. It'd be like, but tell me if this is an ST D. I would look at them and be like, listen. I can't medically professionally, I can't tell you if that is our isn't. But I would strongly recommend going to the doctor, 'cause that thing it's swollen. Okay. Stay till they ended up. We're going to reveal which comedians. Joe Lewis is very open about has Hervey. I know that's what's going to be khloe. Episodes over dammit. Joe is gave me. Herpes. I t t shirts say that he should do that. He probably has done that probably has that actually. Okay. So Joe Rogan. So Joe Rogan went on the podcast. Now. What would you if you if you did what would you talk about? What would you wanna ask him? I would wanna ask. I want to ask him. Well, I think the only thing I can openly talk about with him is history. I don't know if he's. Well, he seems like he's into everything. Yeah, I don't know about the drug world or the sleep or the aliens, like I don't know about any of that stuff. But I feel like Joe Rogan can just talk about any topic seamlessly. So I would prefer to talk to him about history and stuff like that. If he was interested probably CBD you could talk to him about CBD oil wrestling. That's the thing. Wrestling. Well, I don't know much about wrestling. Well, you, you punch stuff box. Yeah. But that's not like you know wrestling wrestling. Yeah. I mean I wish I want one time I dated grow and she dumped me and then she was dating a professional wrestler, the next week that her. Oh, yes. Zack ryder. Whatever big big wrestler. So I think with Joe Rogan it's intimidating though because I mean it's like a three hour usually podcasts down. You have to talk for a while. You have to like a three hour episode of this. I'm down. Let's. Triggers slow. So like let's just do a toll. I pass out. Now the great episode. How long does it take? Yeah. Dude, my funniest thing. So I bought you mentioned I box, right? Yeah. And I would like this really like old school Brooklyn guy, and his Jim is in his garage, which is taxed as mother's house. It's like it's like the most deep Brooklyn. He's like forty years old, but he's not married. He's like Italian guy. So these guys do not move out of their mother's house until they have a wife to cook to cook for them like it's very like old school. That's how they are. Right. So, so, like they so he's like those are those mother and anyway, every time I train when you're a boxing trainer on your like, holding up the pats you like you're doing the work with the client, a lot like a lot of times, the boxing, trainers are sweating themselves or every time because they're moving around with us. So this guy, he I went into the to the garage at nine AM session with him. He was already like dripping in sweat. He had a sauna suit on and was jumping, rope for like half an hour like high speed like going. Nuts, whatever. So I'm like, okay, I'll make you wanted to dishonesty off it goes. You to dishonesty off, it goes, I'm gonna I'm gonna work out with you with the sauna suit on wall. We're doing the pads and while you're working on the bag, like hitting the bag, I'm going to do my workout like he want. He's like he always like training for a fight, but he's not a professional boxer. And he's always trying to make weight, but there's nothing to make way for like he's just lives with his mom. So, and it just makes money training clients. So anyway, where boxing, I'm boxing, hitting the pads, and I see like him. He liked doesn't look good. So I'm like, dude. Are you? Okay. And he's like, what do you mean? And I'm like, are you ok goes who are you? And I was like, what? And then he passes out like this guy legit pass out in front of me. So I opened the door to his garage and his mother's house is, like, right across the way. His mother is standing right there and I'm like your son just passed out. She's like, oh my God. Call the police the police. Okay, I'll call dial nine one, one. And then like I took off his song. The suit and like he had already come to. But, like the man came, you refusing medical attention. He was like 'cause all I need is in oregano pill, Ma go to the Dow, go to go to my room. Else, but take out those oregano pills. I gotta poplar, though. It's and I'll be good and give me some water. So he literally pops like to oregano pills, and drinks, a gallon of water and then keep takes the solitude off. But just continues to train with me finish the session and he said when he's training clients. The reason why brought us up. There's a famous boxer old school boxer paulie mile analogy, who is like a Brooklyn Brooklyn boxer, he would train him. They were trained together, and they would both in the sauna suits with the door shut to his garage to max heaters on in the middle of the summer, they would train in to one of them passed out. They did this almost daily why how nuts of a lifestyle is that? So that's why like Paul him on. Achi is he's he's, he's going to do a bare knuckle boxing match, which is I mean, that's insane. And there's an outside chance. He may fight Conor McGregor, which will be like sick sick sick pay day. My boys probably able to upgrade his boxing studio from his mother's garage. You're talking about millions and millions of dollars or finding Conor McGregor. But it's like the reason why they can do that is because they're boxing until they pass out. Let's like what's getting punched in the face? What does that matter literally fucking pass out every day? You like I'm like, paulie, like one if that happens one more time like the one time too many. Like you're not gonna get brought like you have to be recessive. He goes, well, you don't think I got resuscitated before I was like bro, and south factory two thousand one I got resuscitated every month of the summer. I was like you're a nutjob. But that's what you're boxing instructor. Sometimes people say they're like, you know, we're all humans will we all human? We all wake up in the morning. We'll go to the bathroom. But then I hear stories without. And I'm like that man might be the exact opposite. No, there's different people's act opposite person. Yeah. Like there's just people out there that are like they live a different life. Oh, yeah. Do you ever tell you about? Scotty karate never talk about him on the podcast. Act to me about Scott. Scotty karate was like the homeless guy that lived in our neighborhood, and he would do anything you wanted him to do for a dollar. So like you would just give them a dollar, and he would just do. I remember one time I always called Scotti karate, because he would do, like karate moves at the bus, stop like, and it was just like he was just out of his mind, just surrounded by people that are like training. Yes. Training to fight. I'm just I've wild characters in my life. It's a Scotty karate. I remember one time. There was so quick. We still with a slingshot, if any police in the local tri-state area here this, like I swear, it wasn't me, but we would want drive around with a slingshot and we had like these little metal balls and we would blow out bus terminal windows, the middle of the night, and slingshot that we were we were Brooklyn was a different place. It wasn't all fucking keen, Juan pugs that before after you drink your macho, my right, right? Yep. March and field out. So we would slingshot these bus terminal. Unlike what you find metal ball, we would go to the hardware, store and buy like little metal like balls that, like people like construction shit, and we would our boy got it how to slingshot like a legit slingshot like for real deal, like knots, a makeshift shit like a professional slingshot. And we would drive in the only one of our friends who had a car, and we would blow out these bus terminal windows in the middle of the night. And like we were hitting like every bus terminal window and the cops can never find us because it was whatever it was the late nineties, like everything wasn't on video. Then so we got written up like in the newspaper like the local newspaper like vigilantes. Breaking bus trauma window needs to stop keep an eye out, and it was us your first taste of fame. Yeah, it was like it was nuts. It was so fun was, like, why are you buying like thirty tiny medal? Now just go to hit up different hardware. Stores me Patty fly balls deebo. We're still my friends to this day is just what we would do. And our boy coupes had a car who we don't who's actually cop right now. We go. Yeah. And he, he was the driver, and we would just fuck in blow out, these bus terminal windows, and like we blew on out what do you mean? My bus terminal windows, like, you know, like a bus terminal like like any like that building, like a bus. Stop like a bus stop. Like the last. Whatever we would just fucking hit this shit. In the windows would shatter, because, like you hit it up the right? It's probably really satisfying to watch. It was great. It was great. We used to do that. We still like this is like crazy. I'm going to sound like an asshole. But, like we were kids, we like if people in our neighborhood, sometimes would, like leave their doors unlocked. They didn't any they don't wouldn't anymore. But back then they would go upstairs push air conditioners out the window just stupid shit like into their driveways. But whatever. Before we were according, you're like, people, they hear what I sound like. And they think I really tough. But I'm not. But and then this episode your vandal terrorizing guests small community, but, you know, I don't wouldn't do that anymore. But when I was younger, I was just an idiot, but okay, other second question was the slingshot at the most popular. Yes, he had this link shot yet. He had the slingshot. Yeah. He was like, just be like one of those things where like we're fifteen sixteen years old like our mothers would be like, what are you guys seem to go to the movies or something or sit in the park? And we're like, yeah, and then have mmediately just like we go, Sean gift, the fucking slingshot. Let's go to like all different neighbors. Because it got to a point where like we busted out every bus terminal window in our neighborhood. A bus stop window. So we would just go out and queens. But we busted this one out once on like a Sunday night. Let's or Saturday night. Let's say and then, like Sunday morning we were going to play bass in the park in the glass shards are still there and Scotty karate was there doing his karate moves at the bus stop, which is just what he would do. And he was like, if you guys give me a dollar a do a backflip into the glass who like a dollar, and it was like one dollar. So my boy was, like, all right. Give you dollar. And then he did the backflip into the glass and knocked himself unconscious, and he was just like laid out in the middle of the glass. And then we just all put a dollar on his chest. And like just walked away. So he got four dollars to knock himself out, but it was like such a stupid thing that he did. And it's just like real shoutout. Ridgewood Ridgewood, Bushwick ninety eight that's something I feel like you could talk to Joe Rogan about I could mention that love that if Scotty karate is still alive. I would I would not be able to believe it if he was still alive somewhere in this country, if you're listening, please add us on his. Game. We want to talk to you. Please come on the podcast because the last we heard from him, I was like eighteen he was going to try to go onto the train tracks in our neighbor to get on a freight train to just see where it would take him. He was like done with our neighborhood. He liked told wunderbar friends. With their day, by the way, all these people all these people who have slingshot the windows pushing shot the window. They are all your local cops and firemen. Does that make you feel safe? And that's a true story. So that's just what it is across America. You're most nine times out of ten your local copper firemen was doing some bad shit when they were teenagers. Krista Stephan Christmas. Definitely. Yep. So that's what it is. Let's get into Joe's. I want to shift some Joe Joe. I don't understand the reverence for sports. I don't get it. And maybe it's because I never played sports. I don't know. You know you see it a lot when the Olympics happen. Man people lose their mind over the Olympics. And I know Olympia pork their asses off. They worked their asses. And I'm say this fairness, never have so many people worked so incredibly hard for so incredibly long to do one thing that I don't give a shit about at all. Hood and care, less fake sports wants to kid people throwing shit. I don't care. I threw a stick, whatever who cares. People have it man who will go to, you know, how few people in the world can do that. Do you now few people are experts at that? I don't give a shit. Do you know how few people can do astrophysics? I don't wanna watch it for three hours on a Sunday. It's boring dork shit to me. And the Olympics are so loved the Olympics are so they celebrate and commend bad sportsmanship last summer Olympics. There was a woman's women's running race. And at the end of the race one of the women dove, over the finish line to win and the people I was watching it with their like did you see that? Did you see that commitment, right there? No. I saw cheating is what I just saw. Cheated lighting late to win the race. No, that's called cook bit. Nobody's ever said man. Mike tyson. Wow, what commitment he showed when he bit that guy's ear off? That was amazing. Other boxers are lazy. Author what what's it all foreign the Olympics? Then wanna go medal. Okay. What do you plan on doing with that? Tell you what you should do with it. You should sell it. You're going to need money to feed yourself. You have no job skills. You've been digging around an ice skating rink for the last thirteen years. You're worthless. Can't even get tired at Wendy's. Worthless. To work at Wendy's. Gold medal winner. Great can you work grill? No, get the fuck outta here. You're worthless. You really see people go nuts, man. One of these Olympia and fucks up. That's how you can tell people are way way too obsessed with the Olympics and one of these Olympics fucks up every four years most recently, we had Ryan locked t right. Ryan locked peed at the gas station outside lied to the cops. I refuse to learn what he did. And people were freaking out. They were freaking out. Can you believe that the limping active like that? Can you believe? Yes. They're professional athletes, professional athletes are stuck in schools. Are you really that surprised? Why does everybody surprise? They protested Ryan lucky when he was on dancing with the star even fucking Paula Deen when she was on dancing with the stars. People lose their minds. I can't believe he acted that let me tell you something. The same thing that made locked e win. The gold medal is the same thing that made him act that way. And here's what it is. If you achieve in any field at the top of that field, no matter what your field is sports, acting music comedy doesn't matter whatever it is. If you achieve and get to the top of your field your piece of shit. Okay. You're a piece of hit never tried to achieve ever. It makes you a bad person, we live in Hollywood. You know what I'm saying is true right now? No. What I'm saying. It makes you person doesn't matter what the field is company, if you work in an office right, right? Would you ever want to hang out with the guy that owns your office? No fucking dick head. That's why he owns the office. You're not a boss of less your douchebag. Okay. It's an rule. If you just want to be the boss. You're fucking douche. I think I could run this place. Congrats here. Fucking douchebag never come to happy hour with us ever again. That's probably get mad. I'll tell you. That's what I get annoyed. When I hear, like the gender argument with bosses, the, you know, sometimes a female boss will go. Well, once I became the boss, everybody said, I was a bitch, now, that is true. Okay. We are all quietly, calling the female boss bitch. Okay. But we're also quietly, calling the male boss, cock, sucker. We don't like the boss. Get Gorka, China did choose in cock suckers. They all fucking suck. Okay. I'm supposed to believe that Donald Trump had Steve Jobs are pricks, but Hillary Clinton and Oprah or just misunderstood. Assholes. Keyboard, people can't believe it, though, with Olympia NHS, man, the can't they called it locked teat gate. That's how upset people locked he can we please take the suffix gate back for real scandals again. Jesus christ. It comes from Watergate when the president instructed his employees to break into a hotel and steal classified documents. That's a fucking gate. Okay. Not this meat headed jerk off taking a piss at an Exxon station in Brazil. People can't believe people. Can't believe it when any Olympia and they freak out. They did it with Phelps. Can you believe Michael Phelps smokes weed? Can you believe it? He should smoke. We drugs, make athletes better. It's been proven over and over and over again. Fact, if you're such a fan of Michael Phelps, you should be aggravated that he's such a pussy. He only smokes weed. Okay if he did some hardship. He'd probably bring a few more medals home. I bet you on that. The only Olympic scandal. I ever had any respect for was Tonya Harding. That was the only one. I respect it. Tonya Harding, I did. Because she said, who is my competition? Her. Here's a pipe go breaker. Fucking kneecap. That's all. That's all. Say what you want about hardy Nixon least they had balls, right? Do you want to know why I'm legit? So happy every morning. Why when I come in here because I have a casper mattress you the Cassar matches genuinely have casper mattress and love it. I have a casper mattress to are you kidding me? Yeah. Oh my God. We're cute best sleep in my life. Seriously? I mean, you spend one third of your life sleeping. So I figured I should be comfortable, so. Makes sense makes sense. That's why I got a casper mattress products are cleverly designed to mimic human curves preventing support comfort for all kinds of bodies. Are you doing curvy and I got a weird body size thirty eight waist. So I started off center nipples would never know mattress. 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Okay for one hundred days, and if you don't like it just give it back in the hassle free box. Okay. And say I wanted to get another matches on top of my already. Man. How, how would I go about doing that? What you can do. Okay. You can get one hundred dollars toward a select mattress by visiting casper dot com slash promo code Christie. Okay. Casper dot com slash Chris de not check out. That's all you do. Use Christie out the checkout in terms and conditions. Do apply. Yeah. And you're gonna get one hundred dollars off with select metro settled. Ben Ben Franklin he was alive right now. I'll tell you what. He went out get sleeping on. Hey, Brian Calderon? Guess? For sure I'm gonna go get another one. All right. I'm gonna go. All right before we get to the next clip. Let me talk about this real quick alchemy this. It's a new improv podcast from how stuff works and award winning actor. And comedian Kevin Pollack, our love Kevin Pollack. He co stars on the Golden Globe. And EMMY winning comedy the marvelous. Mrs Mazel comedy, central name, Kevin, one of the top one hundred comedians of all time, or you may have enjoyed his film work as an actor in the usual suspects. Chazz Palminteri, and the usual suspects to good friend, a few good men, the whole nine yards. Love, these movies, Jason Reitman's, the front runner in eighty three other films, maybe six of them are quite good little Kevin, Kevin Pollack joke. Kevin has gathered five of his favorite extraordinary talented improvisers to capture lightning in a bottle in the way that only great improv can improv is so hard in each episode. He presents uniquely bizarre scenarios for them to hilariously bring the life. It's like in my seat for compa casts its executive produced by Chuck Bryant. Of stuff, you should know and movie crush. Shoutout out. Chuck good name. There's new episodes every Tuesday and Thursday. Good days to put out new apps, and you can listen and subscribe at apple podcasts, or on the iheartradio app or wherever you listen to podcasts. I'm in. You don't about Colorado. Do you. It's cold there too. And they have leva weed. I stake firstly to step up, first state to say enough is fucking baby nonsense. Treat me like a child telling me, I can't have we first of all everybody who tells you, you can't have we, they all should get on weep, every single one of those mother fuckers, they're the people who need than anybody, people that are trying to stop. We'd. Everybody says you're wasting your life. You're going to get paranoid. Getting burn on. That's the best part. Everybody's afraid of that. Everybody's afraid of getting paranoid. I think it's a good idea to be paranoid now on, again because I think people are entirely too cocky, for the situation that we're confronted with what this life actually is we're, we're on a fucking giant ball, that spinning in space and nobody talks about it. It's going to thousand miles an hour floating in the sky above us is a giant fireball. Oh, million times bigger than the earth, and you need it for vitamin d if you stare at it. You'll go blind. It's trying to give you cancer. And if it's not there, you get sad. You're not freaking out. Not freaking out. Are you sure? You're not paying attention you fucking putting blinders on bench. If you're paying attention you should be freaking out all the fucking time. We're spinning Infinity, and it doesn't come up. What's infinity? That's the weird one. What's Infinity means? It's so big can't measure it. No. It's crazier than that. It does mean that but you know what? That really means. That means Infinity is so big that everything that has ever happened on earth in the exact same order down to that. Pause has happened in infinite number of times all throughout the universe. Everywhere in space. There is a you making the same colossal fucking errors that you've made your entire life. So if anybody ever tells you, you could do better. Man go apparently not. That's infinity. Is that doesn't freak you out, man? You need eat a pot cookie and get on a fuck at airplanes because you're entirely, too cocky, you're entirely too cocky. Was she pants pot cookie airplane? That's a religious experience available for everyone. Why is it illegal pharmaceutical companies at the big one, they don't want you to have weed? Because if you had weed, you wouldn't need to buy a lot of their shit. If you had weed, you wouldn't need sleeping pills, smoke pot jerk off and try to stay awake. Seriously? If you can smoke pot Surkov and stay awake. You should be a navy seal. Should be fighting for freedom me, I have a goal when I smoked by jerk off. It's a stay awake long enough to remember to let go of my dick. I never got there yet. I got close a couple times Mike tonight tonight. Waco, blair. Oh man. That's the feeling every guy has after masturbating. It's always like, oh, okay. You know you have this thing in the back of your head. Like I thought it was done with that. I thought it was over here we go. Okay. Right. It's never like you should. It's always like. It gets more embarrassing as you get older too. I'm a grown man. Now I'm gonna dull. I have children. I have a wife. So I have to lock the door when I beat off. And it's the only time I have locked the door. So I always get busted bosses to lock first of all. I'm a bad actor already. But if you thought I sucked on zookeeper you should see how bad I am going to get caught with a locked door. Why is this door locked what fucking doors locked? If she looks like she asked me a question I just run. Right back. Sad, sad, knowing that you're gonna do it again. I'm never gonna fucking rise above. But it's only sad because I live with a wife kids, if I was alone, I wouldn't give a fuck about jerking off be fine and dandy. That's why hotel rooms are amazing for men. That's the only time man could truly jerk off and peace. You know, there's the door there's the bed does not now it's here. All right, good. So when a man jerks off in a hotel room. He has two options to things to consider clean up or fuck it. And I always go with fuck it, the moment my load hits my chest. Do a quick gator role on the sheets. Find a dry spot, and I'm out. Often astonished at how easy is to fall asleep covered in my own come. It doesn't seem to be an issue at all. Why? Well for because it's all Ganic. It's gluten free. Luckily source, ten crafted it's my come, my calm doesn't bother me. Other people's come bothers me a lot. That's what I was thinking like that would be a great game show. Another guy comes on you. You got an hour. Go to sleep. If you could fall asleep in one hour you in a billion dollars. Your hardest falsely if you have an hour, anyway, you know, if you like I'm gonna go to bed right now, I want to go to bed right now. I get our sleep just right now fifty nine minutes. Okay right now fifty nine minutes, fifty eight minutes, so I go to bed right now. The imagine how hard it would be to fall asleep. If you're strapped to a table like a mental patient, and we lead to the center of a big basketball arena, everybody's got balloons, like you're trying to shoot a free throw at dude comes out it looks like tank Cabot. He's got a giant, purple dick in a leather vest on east going knuckles up on you spitting on, you can't come. So we start figuring his but. These kind of things I think of when they asked me to bring back fear factor I go. No. I'm on some next level shit that was Jud areas Joe Rogan. And this is Chris, DiStefano you are too. Yeah. So Joe list. You know, you know, Joe Louis you said, you know, Joe this do not Joola diagnosis, herpes are not diagnosed Scholla's herpes. I thought he he thought he had Clemencia and I took a look at that. But I just see a drip, which is worse. I drip, that's a comedian. Yeah, you drip with Canadia. Yeah, it's brutal. What's worse? It's because herpes is forever. And, and it really hurt forever herpes. They are forever. The only two constants, although undiagnosed forever, they are undiagnosed, cla media is safe nappy. They don't deteriorate there on the earth forever. If you buy bonds. Really? Yeah. They cannot article came out. Yeah, that was, like, they're the worst thing for the pla- nothing. No part of it can deteriorate. It's like poison and bad. And they lit it on. Fire though, then probably I don't know that sounds like something that you do in your neighborhood, what that's different than decomposing. It shouldn't be a crime, if I throw an apple, the fi- like throwing apple like onto the grass that shouldn't be littering. That's like biodegradable, we'll go back to the earth. Yes, it is. Littering. I can't throw an apple on the grass. I'd get a ticket for that. Yeah. Now you wouldn't because of white privilege the show, I forgot about that. You're talking about Clinton was talking about who's not talking about committee a-. Stop having unprotected sex. That's alright. You it's ideal. But it's just like what am I going to do like, I'm thirty? So I'm gonna fuck and put on a condom like you know what I mean? Like, what am I supposed to fucking? Do here, you have a child? I do. But it's like then you just worry. It's like you have unprotected sex, and then you just like twenty three days is your sentence. It's like if the hasn't popped up in two to twenty three days, you're probably fine, but it's like then you'd have to wait and you just in three weeks, you just like in mental Trading cO prison. You are. But it's also like I'm out of point now, like ten years ago, I would have been like, oh my God. I can't even do the podcast. But now it's like what are you gonna do like fine fuck and get it? You get it. If you have another kid, it's like what are you fucking just deal with it? Just go talk to call. You can talk to me, if you have something that I wanted to fuck in say, on media God, he's, Joe list know, something I want to talk to you about littering air pods. Oh, you said you had to go pee. Yep. Here's a thing off the air. I said, I had to you have to pay. I wanna talk about your. Yeah. I wanna talk about your flow. A p. Well pe- flow. You sometimes, I think when you're performing because right now we're, we're performing. I mean it's like it's v cash, but we're performing I think it's nice to have to go to the bathroom because it keeps you in the moment when I did my David Letterman set I had to pee so bad and my leg was, oh, my I couldn't stop it from shaking because I was just so nervous was the first time I'd ever done any TV and John Travolta, just like rubbed my chest like moments before I told you guys if I told you that story on the podcast. Okay. Do you want to get quick? Just real quick. John travolta. Touched your chest John Travolta, going up next on the David Letterman show, and John Travolta was the other guest he came off. He put his hand on my chest. And he told me what a beautiful suit, I had on those. And then he told me he was, like, are you nervous? And I was like, extremely, he was like I can feel your heart beating fast, also that's because you have your hand. I'm John Travolta. So he was like he was like he was like, well, you've already done this already, like you've this is over. And I was like, well, no, I'm not like if I didn't go on yet. Like I thought like he thought that I was like no, I need and go on. He said, but talking about the work has done, you've already been vetted. You've already practiced the set one hundred times so it's over you just have to go. Enjoy the moment. Now he was like an I'm going to stand here and watch every minute of this because I want to share in this experience with you. It was nuts. Like John Travolta, said that to me, as I went out, and my leg was like uncontrollably shaking because I was nervous about all that stuff. But I had to pee so bad that that kept me in the moment, like in the moment. Like I felt like like when you really have to pay so like, kept me grounded because I was like or else, I would have just been floating away, like I may have passed out because I was like lake shaking uncontrollably. Travolta lederman. Holy shit overload. But, like the pink kept two feet in reality for me. And then when I went back and I was done. I felt like I had a great set. David Letterman said like, right. Job kid in like all that nice cool stuff. And it was my ex girlfriend at the time was there, she was also waiting for me. And then I saw her and she like me, a big hug, and then I was like looking for John Travolta was like, where, where's John? She goes as soon as you said, Hello. He immediately left like you went out there and said Hello to the audience. And then he just couldn't up left quicker. She was like so, like, he's he probably just said that to like be like, I'm going to be there for you. Really? He was like, but which is fine by me. It's like a great you looked in your pocket. And there's a pamphlet for Scientology. Did he put this year? He's like he was never actually there, John Travolta. He's been dead for thirty years, thirty years. Yes. Which evolved, each just like she was like immediately left, like he punch him in the face. Like he couldn't he just left, like he didn't care. And I was like fine. But my point is is that I p the whole time. So, like, I remember every second of it because why do I like to go on? States even if you like an hour long set, I don't like have to go to the bathroom. Yeah. You have any of their tricks like that. Like any other things that keep you in the moment or any pre show rituals kinda like that besides drinking apparently a gallon of water gallon of water. Yeah. That or you know what I like to do a lot if I'm doing a lot of material, I like always go into the crowd because then it just breaks you out of your rhythm. I always always always try to do that. Whether it's going to from taping, something, whether it makes it or not, or if I'm working on a set, you know, the people there Seaney just want to see the material like I don't care because I'm like I have to for me for the freshness. I have to go into the crowd and give that element of like the unknown of like what is this person going to say, like what are they gonna hit? I am I going to be like, you know, your dad's like this, and then the first book my dad died yesterday. And then, like, you know, you have to deal with that, but it gets you out of the element of just like here's my next show. Here's my next show. So I always do that. And I most likely always have to pay. If you see me doing comedy, usually, I have to pee so front row, a watch out. What's that special where TJ Miller through a bunch of water on his head? TJ mail is just out of his mind. Sure. I mean, in a good way is he in? Is he in jail? Yeah. I'm talking about why he's got to be going to jail soon, right? Tone, a bomb threat on any second now. Tick doc, but whatever you go to jail. You go to jail. That's also not the worst thing in the world. Just happens you used to in fear, man. It's like it's shit's going to happen to question comedy. Central khloe, rather have herpes or go to jail for three weeks. Tomorrow. This sounds like a stupid questions question and check out stupid questions. Friday nights, I would rather jail for three weeks or herpes for the rest of your life. What is Europe? He's doing herpes is going to Dr herpes you're my primary care physician. Here we go. I I hurt bees is a virus that lives on your spine, number one, and it causes like lesions on your like anybody see if has a cold sore. That's like herpes one herpes one, but heartbeats to is general heartbeats. And that's like very painful, blisters and open source on your vision, or pece, and depending on where they pop out different levels of pain with medication. It's very treatable now and it can lie dormant, but it always can pass it along. And it's got a really bad stigma from the media. Of course you know where it's like people like I don't wanna get hurt peace. You know, don't wanna get hurt. So why would you choose? I want actually rephrase my question. Would you rather the whole world know that you have herpes or the whole world that you're a convicted felon? I'd rather go to jail because it's just orange is the new black true. I'd rather go with Nicole. I'd rather the world know that I'm a convicted felon can't vote. To be honest. I always forget to vote any. I forgot to vote and use a condom. So it's a good selection. We're gonna vote together for your polling place. Buck. Yeah. I would rather be convicted felon. No that make the founding everyone. I've heard these same same about you cling. Well, I don't know. But now I feel bad because beginning have come on four have herpes. So they're all going to feel like, really one in four people fall, that means that's the tiffs though, does that, are they counting people who have called source to this thing. Wonderful people have genital herpes I wasn't involved in the research, but because I feel like Sharon doctor, so just the herpes because if like listen, I'm going to be honest, you know, there's been times. I mean, I've, you know, went raw a lot, you know, I've just declined condom use a lot, and I've never with the consensus with the Kazan of a woman, and a man, I've never I've never gotten herpes knock on wood. So it's like I just feel like what are we saying? Here we go. About one eight Petit. One eight aged fourteen to forty nine in the US genital herpes eight that's genital one and two people and Adrian JR. Are infected with HIV one. Her one of us in this room has a who has everyone point. I don't actually I don't think I don't. And I just got I just got I mean, I, I got t tested about six weeks ago when I was clean, but I have went raw dog since then. So now I'm just back in limbo. Shan't just back in hell. You know, purgatory Dante's in circles, was was just knowing if you have herpes or not for real Z's. So number. What that's a big number eight. Yeah, yeah, I thought I'd rather just have a girlfriend, then deal with fucking being out there. Well, yeah, but one of the other option was J crew. I'd like a. True. You're in a hot. You've got to be careful what he twenty three twenty four. That's why people get herbs twenties. It's probably in the lesbian community. You can gay. I don't know. That's actually it's fucked up because there's not a lot of research, not a lot of people know how I feel like the lead community has dis. When I. Yeah. In feminism is the lesbian community has CDs also. Yes when I grew up, people were like no. You just can't get them. It's fucked up. What do you mean? Like, like, like, yeah. You're, you're a lesbian you. You don't have to worry about CDs. Like people said, that, that's not. Yes, What's the t herpes tale? That's the general one occurs. In nearly one in ten lesbians, not predicted by report of sex with men are sexually stay codes. Let's be infected with HIV to are not aware of their infection. That's me actually HEC one may occur more frequently among lesbians than among heterosexual. Women. HIV one. Yeah, exactly. You're going down on each other. Exactly. Also, now, I have in my, Google history, herpes, staff, lesbian great. So, don't they say women? And this nothing women, I think our day can contract, an S T easier than a man can I believe, because the inside baby because your knees, I'm an outy is your belly button in your own. It's a any, my doctor nice job. But my button. Your surgeon, my sergeant my daughter's gotta keep Halley about until Q V kale. Well, yeah. So. Another great episode. We've been talking about Wilde shit every episode getting into what America wants to hear by the way rate and review this podcast on itunes, give it five stars. Just leave a nice comment stuff. Don't be a dick just fucking. Listen. It's like if you wanna leave a negative comment you that shit in your own time. Like, what are you, what are you spreading negativities for? Just just give it five stars and lead a comment, or if you don't like it then just almost to it anymore. One in eight people is going to boycott us after this episode. Well, yeah, well, we're pro Herbie sixty thousand because we have a total of forty two million lessons. So that's what they say about me. Yeah. All right. Final closing whereas before we throw on this Joe liss Joe Louis talked a lot about the specifics of his body today. He's open about it. What are we going to say? I have on new pads from Lululemon. They're very comfortable. It's like one of those things they were expensive, but it's like they're good pair of pants like I deferred to wear them a lot. I just stretch does do the nice things you Lululemon sponsor Lululemon be sick sponsor. Yeah. I would love the are you kidding? There's a Sarah expensive. It's so expensive. But it's good. It's good quality. Okay. All right. All right next to go. I have to go. Eat have low blood sugar me too. Okay. Bye. Bye. Horrible diet. Sometimes you feel I felt fat yesterday. Mcdonalds, McDonalds or make you feel fat. It doesn't matter what size you are. Or what you order, you will feel like a piece of shit. When you leave McDonald's. You can go to Donald to ask for directions, you'll leave there with diarrhea like what the hell? I didn't even eat anything. Something in the air here. You know. Mcdonald's is the only food that I can't breathe properly like tell ya and a half after I eat it. I'm just walking around, and we ended like asthma double quarter Pounder yesterday round five. My shoulder hurts for some reason why am I sure? They should put inhalers than happy meals, instead of toys. Give me the cut you off. I'm ready for it. Sorry, I had to limber up a little bit. Not good for you. But Donald's, I'm trying to quit. But it's hard to quit. You know, it's like it's addictive, it's like a drug, but dogs like, cocaine lie about it, only do it late at night, or if somebody else's buying. You get real fast. Your heart rate goes up like is that blood or catch you up? What the hell? Catch up. Sorry. Everybody thought it was Virginia. I love it, though. It's getting confusing McDonalds. Have you guys been there recently? I was here the other day, I was like, I got the number four and the woman goes the meal. Knows the number four, I want to buy it. That's my lucky number. Also, sixty seventy one away just back all up, and I'll be on my way. Do you not sell digits here? All right. I guess we'll take the meal. Ever go to McDonalds. Order your food. They put your tray down with your fries in your soda. You're still waiting for your cheeseburger. She just start eating your fries while you're standing in line. That's really sort of a low point in a human beings. Live. I was doing that the other day, then I realized they weren't even my fries, I was just eating food. Then I realized I hadn't even ordered yet I was third in line. I'm just reaching around everybody, I'm like, I'll pay you back when I got up there very hungry. I live in New York City. It's always crowded at McDonald's in New York. I don't even go into a McDonalds if it's too crowded, a crowded McDonald's feels like an emergency, we're up to me. I sort of similar vibes you walk in everybody's fat and sad. People are limping and crying. The floor is all wet and their Spanish being yelled and. Is also always beeping happening for some reason, just always beeping. I'm not gonna fries Donner is somebody flat lining back there. Turn that off trying to assemble by toy over here. It's very hard with all the noise so. You ever go to McDonald's for dinner and then realize you had it for lunch, and I'm like, oh, shit. I just saw you. That's in barris sorry about that. You look rights want to go to Wendy's. I apologize. I got a terrible diet. I'm very thin. I'm lucky but I got a bad. I was reading an article the other day it said, ten worst foods that you should never eat. I had the remnants of four of the foods on my pants while I was reading the article. Like I screwed this up. I could have been a guy I don't wanna get too weird to thirty here, but somebody guys might be eating, but I've been having some trouble shitting lately. I know that's a little gross. But I don't have health insurance just yet. So I gotta talk to somebody about this folks seem awfully nice so far. I was talking to one guy. He was like, hey, man. Have you been eating a lot of cheese lately? And that was like up in eating almost exclusively cheese. Tire life. He's like that's probably hit that, binds you up. Did you guys know that cheese is not good for you? I had no idea when I was a kid, my parents gave me cheese. They tell me it had calcium. And I would have strong bones. They fail to mention that are also have sealed asshole when I was thirty three years old. I don't know about a made that trade. I'm like, I'll take weak bones in normal shifts have possible. This devoid. She's dangerous activities at all costs. I had a Google how to take better Baldo fits that's where I'm at in my life. That's another low point your life when you type how to shit into Google. Forget board. You got to erase your internet history. Would you're typing that into your computer. It's barrasso. So Google and I wrote how to take better Balboa's, Google sent me a web MD you guys that website, great website. You don't even need health insurance. If you have them. There's nothing that a doctor can tell you that you can't learn it seventeen consecutive hours of reading web day while cry. I tell you how to take better Babu bits two weapon day. One of the things that said was to avoid anal sex. I was like, you got it whether I'm day. I'm actually several years ahead of you on that advice. I've only done cheese damage to this point. I like it. It says a void anal sex like it's gluten. Breakfast, pardon me, thirty AL sex in these pancakes. I'm under very strict orders, not to have any in my diet. So. I think everything I heard about food is bullshit completely wrong. I think people like under thirty. You guys have learned some stuff like eat green shed. But when we were kids, nothing nobody knew anything like my dad when I was a kid. He kept telling me to eat steak. He said what hair on my chest. And here's a big Tom Selleck fan. Recently, I grew up. I did some research on my own. Everybody stake, does not put hair on your chest, puberty. Genetics puts hair on your chest steak puts a plaque in your arteries. It's actually it's not really healthy. I'm like, hey dad, I'm having chest pains is that the hair finally coming in? Is it supposed to hurt when I get my hairy chest? I thought it was going to have strong bodes and a Harry chest. I can't shit. I'm gonna die of coronary at forty. I thought steak and cheese as a healthy meal for the last thirty years. Try to eat healthier. It's hard though, you know, I'm trying to healthy parents, eat healthy, too, so I can continue to have a cell phone for a few more years. Something that's really important to me. So. I had a salad earlier today. You have you guys ever had salad before. It's really it's really great. I'd never salad till about three years ago. I had yellow Meister a full decade before I had lettuce. So america. Never had salad. You gotta try this shit's. Unbelievable. It's just lettuce tomato. Then you cover it with cheese. It's really a pretty healthy dish. You could throw steak right in there, if you want kind feel you. This has been a comedy, central podcast.

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