How To Set Boundaries Around Food And Family | HSM 437
Half size me episode for thirty seven brought to you by the half size me community to become a member. Get the support you need. Go to half size me. Dot Com forward slash join. Speaking. Camman in. His? Last. Pills guns and being. You Bill. Know you're will. Welcome to another episode of the half size me show I. Am your host Heather Into Day i? Have a great coaching call for you. With Chris Chris was really struggling because she wants to please everyone, and because she prioritizes that she often sacrifices her own health and her own goals, so in this coaching call. We're GONNA. Talk about how she can begin to put in some boundaries. Boundaries how to make food at home that her family will enjoy and how to speak up for herself when it comes to her family, wanting to eat out, so there's a lot of good stuff in here, and this is a cycle I see a lot of MOMS and women falling into which is the people pleasing role, and we want everyone to be so happy and everyone to. To be so comfortable that we ultimately end up sacrificing our own happiness and our own desires to try and keep everyone happy, but the reality is. You can't make other people happy. You can really only make yourself happy, and you can be there as a living support to those that you know you care for, but their responsibility to make themselves happy so a lot of good stuff. Stuff in this coaching call with Chris now as I promised you. We wrapped up the fourteen day. Challenge the red brick challenge I really had a great time with us. It was a way for people to truly see that they had the ability to make decisions all through the day to course correct. The did not have to wait for tomorrow. They did not have to wait. Wait for Monday. They could say the next thirty minutes. They were GONNA. Make a better decision are three winners from this fourteen day challenge on instagram were Dorey jhom Penny Heather and my ww underscore angel underscore in underscore Texas they all reached out to me. They're getting their prizes and I think that we all can walk away from this challenge. One thing we have a lot more. More that we can take ownership of an change in our lives, if we think about our time, and and all the decisions we get to making a day, one slip up doesn't mean that the whole day is lost. I think a lot of people were shocked to see that they might have only gotten one Blooberg Day, or just a few blue brooks, but it can seem. Seem so much more when we don't evaluate all the other decisions we may, so. I'm probably GONNA. Do this challenge again I had a great time with it I. Love Sing everyone showing up and seeing their power and pudding positive action into their life. So if that's something, you think you might be interested in doing and let me know. 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We have Chris a Millette Chris. Say hello to everyone and then Chris if you could start to share with us what you're currently struggling with. I am Chris and. I think one of the things that I've struggled with probably all my life, but especially my weight loss journey in wanting to please other people and therefore making choices for food and drink that probably as much my own choices as wanting to make sure other people feel comfortable, so for instance if my family is. Wanting to go out to dinner then. They have ideas about where they wanna go and I don't really, Wanna Put a damper on things because of my race issues and so I, kind of go with the flow, and often it it leads to me, not making this choice as I was like. Be Making so just kind of. Wanting to draw attention to my way or to my journey by an also not wanting other people to. Be uncomfortable or not be able to celebrate because I'm not participating in that so okay, so let let's backtrack for just a second to make sure I'm clear on a couple of things right now. One you said your family, so is it you and kids? And if so, how old are the kids? My husband and I and then our daughter, actually twenty four living here temporarily and she and my husband, neither have had a weight issues, so there's always been sort of that tension between what I'm trying to do. In terms of you know stain. In my plan and they have a definitely. A bond around eating. Certain foods together. So, So it's either like participate or get left out of the trio, so I'm right now for you and your husband, because your daughter's twenty four, so she's an adult. Are you currently planning out meals for you and your husband every week? And then ultimately these eating out things kind of override the meal plan, or are you actually planning on you guys eating out, but the location gets switched. What does the meal planning part of this like? well I do I do meal plan and do cook do most of the cooking for all three of us, however like we own to retail store, and so right now it's really really busy time. It's solid days and so my daughter's trying to help out because her job is a little less demanding at this time, and so she's trying to cook meals and and do that for us. which is, it always makes me nervous because I don't know what other people have put in the food and she. Like, to experiment, with they like really rich food and I. Don't know it just doesn't. It's not really a part of the plan, but I also don't want to tell her not to help out and not to leave with cooking, so I've been trying to say hey, if we could do something along these lines, but but I feel I. Mean I know. It's my own issue, but I feel guilty asking other people to accommodate me. All Right, so let me ask this question the next one. So how many times right now a week is this eating out issue coming up like if we were to go back through this last month, would we see every week? You're family's eating out about an average of three times more than three times less than three times. Less than that. Yeah, we don't. We don't eat out very often. It's more just the time we are having food together celebrating. There's something that. If I don't take the reins and make something then it ends up being something. That's a lot more. calories and a lot more that and a lot more everything. You've done. I would normally do that again. I don't want to. Interfere with their enjoyment so I just. Let it happen. Got It okay, so you know what? I'm loving every time I ask a series of questions, we unpack this a little bit more because when we started, you said it was about eating out, and now we're ultimately realizing that you guys don't eat out all that often. It's really more about the social aspect of the eating and the kind of in your mind separation between what they're eating and. And you're eating or what you feel. You need to be eating and versus what they're eating so like every time you and I make a pass through a little bit more kind of comes out so so right now. Let me ask you this. Are you currently tracking your food in some kind of an APP or journaling in some way? Yeah, yeah, I, do W W and I tracked or anything so. It's not been. It's been pretty lately, but I sure. All right so before the holidays with her living at home, were you able to be within your point target, but now that it's the holidays and you guys like you said a retail, wise or lot busier, and she's doing a lot more cooking for you guys is that we're? The problems are to come in with not maybe hitting your targets. Yeah, I mean it's always the problem when I don't do the cooking. On any given an any given. But I'm not agree the cookies I can be sure that it's going to be something and even and even my husband. He likes her to that again. It's always you know richer stuff more fat, and because that's all it tastes good to them and surveys, really good cook. It's just when I'm not in control of the ingredients in the later. Cooked! They're definitely like the charts. So, let me ask you this. Do you and your husband have everything one hundred percent in common as far as hobbies, interests things like that. And no okay. So, what does he like that you don't like? Like horror novels and By tricky. I. Don't know we work a lot, so there's not a Lotta sports or anything like that. Definitely. Yeah, he he'd like. Watch the SEAHAWKS. Okay, and what about your daughter is she in you completely on the same page with everything like? Do you guys enjoy the same music same movies, same book, same activities, hobbies, or other some differences. No very difficult. So let me ask you this. Do you ever feel the same kind of weird feeling of necessity to say your husband's reading a horror novel like you should be reading it, too, so that way you two are completely connected on that front, or do you let that go? Let that go why? Because it's his interest and I have other things that I like to read them, so it's not an issue. You give yourself the space to do the things you. Need to okay all right, so let's take that thought process and move it into the food and eating experience. Okay so often. We self sabotage because we think we should be eating everything. Our family eats that we should all be like if we sit down for a family dinner. Not only does it have to be a shared experience of sitting now for family dinner, but we also literally have to be sharing the exact same food at the exact same time. But I'M GONNA make the argument. What if you had a nut allergy? Or what if you had a dairy allergy? Or what if you had wheat allergy I? Just talked to somebody at one of my my mom groups for my home schooling. My kids and she's like. Yeah, we just realized. My Kid has an allergy to this that and the other have to really be cautious, and they're choosing to all abstain because they're trying to support this kid because he's having some issues, but in many families there can. Can Be one person who has a food issue that doesn't affect the rest of the family, and they will consume the food this this idea that I love you and I. Don't mind sitting down to dinner with you, but I don't also have to put the same exact food on my plate that you you're eating I can choose to eat something else and your kid in your husband. Sound like they don't have a weight issue right so again would be kind of like if you had two broken. Broken legs and you had to professional runners in the house and you're like. Oh, I got to be out there running with them because they're runners and they're running and I wanna be able to participate, but you've got two broken legs. You're not GONNA do that. You know what I mean so like it's. It's seeing this through a slightly different Lens. I can love family. I can sit down and eat dinner with my family, but what I choose to put on. My plate needs to support me and. and My goals, your beautiful stage of life where what Mama wants to make any mama can make any you know what I mean like. There's no there's no handcuffs on you that says you have to do things a certain way, and if it's a concern about being left out, if you're sitting at the table and socializing with them, and you're eating a grilled chicken, breast, sweet potato, and some Broccoli and they're having a really rich indulgent meal. What goes in one person's body versus another is very personal. That's basic boundary. But if you feel this weird sense of I've got to eat exactly what they're eating all of the time. That's GONNA be really self sabotaging. So, what are your thoughts now that I through that you that way? Yeah no that makes perfect sense, and they also know I mean there I. Know In my head, but they don't care what I eat. You know that that's not an issue for them. It's more yeah it's more. My Own sort of wanting to. Not Draw attention and not make other people. Suffer quote because of my issues and what I share with. Here's how this could look, and this is what I would do I. Would I would sit down with my husband and my daughter and I would say I love you guys. I love spending time with you guys I love the fact that you know talking to your daughter. You're cooking and you're doing such a great job. I'm actually going to bequeath that responsibility to you. Guys, you guys go ahead and just let me know what you need from the store. Make up a week of meal plans for yourselves. Make the food. You guys enjoy eating I. DON'T WANNA stand in the way of that I'll pick up groceries for you, but it'll be. Be Up to you guys to prepare. Make it I'm going to be making some foods that support me and my goals. I really want to make some forward progress on things that are important to me. I will be sitting down with you at the table. Eating I want to be an active part in the in the eating experience, but ultimately I have to do things that are going to serve me and my body just like if you got a notification from the doctor that you're pre diabetic, or you have high blood pressure, you may have to alter your diet in order to help with those medical conditions. You see what I mean. Yeah so this is your preemptive approach at fixing it now. How does that feel if you were to give them the freedom to do that? No that I need to have that conversation. That's when I've been. Pretty Nice, but yeah I need to have the conversation that I. Want them to know that. Sometimes, it's different. For me and I need them to support that absolutely, and and how they support, it is by by really just taking care of themselves, right? You're again. You're at this beautiful season of life which one day I know. I will be there, but right now I'm not like I'm working out meals for three boys and a husband every single day, breakfast and dinner and one day I will be in your shoes and trust me. Mama Says Hey, this is my dinner. You guys free. That to a certain extent, but I'm not in that season of life. And I accept the right, but you are, and so on the live vicariously through you and what we're GONNA do is we're GONNA? Have you say to them in a very loving way, right? You're not angry. You're not bitter. You're not resentful. They have. They have different bodies than you. Do they ear bodies process this stuff. than. You do everyone comes into the world with a struggle like I'm imagining there must be something. Your husband struggles with from time to time whether it's something in the business, or possibly he can be forgetful or maybe give you a little bit too much of a perfectionist with certain things right like he has his own set of issues and struggles. Your daughter has her own. Own set of issues and struggles whether she shares with you or not, she does we all do, and this just happens to be yours. The only problem those of us who struggle with weight have versus a lot of other people as ours is very visible, people can see we struggle with weight, but there are internal struggles. Weather could be gambling alcohol drugs, other kinds of of. Of issues that might interfere with being successful in business or successful in life that people need to work their way through, and what is a big acceptance factor to say you know this is my struggle, but the cool thing is, it's manageable. If you tomorrow found out that you had some kind of life, altering illness or situation might not be right like there might not be. Be a good prognosis, but this is something you can totally fix and it's something you can take charge of and truly in the grand scheme of things it's not. It's not going to shatter anyone's world. If you're sitting there. Eating roasted chicken and sweet potatoes and Broccoli and they're having something in butter sauce. It's not the end of the world. You see what I mean. Yeah okay, so number one win. Can we have a positive conversation with your daughter and your husband? Probably Day, okay, and when is the next grocery shopping trip? I usually stop every Days so we do plan meals. You know for three or four days but I I shop every couple of days. Okay and here's the other benefit. You actually will get to pick food. You want to eat and not have to consider if anyone else likes it. So for example I love protein pancakes there some days I e protein pancakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but I think to myself I. Don't know if my kids and my husband with lengthy so I'll make this instead right? Is that mom compromise rate is like well. That's maybe what I would like to. But maybe that's not what the whole family would like to. This puts you in a position that literally every. Every meal of every day can be what you want it to be. So if you love Yogurt, you could have yogurt, breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. You know what I mean like whatever the foods are you like? You can start to focus on that so by having this conversation, and this is where the boundaries come in. Have you heard me talk about boundaries before? Yeah, okay, so it's where they begin and end and where you begin and end and this is. This is kind of a simple way to approach one I love. You guys really so much. Really would love some support on something that I'm currently working on I know how caring you are and how much you love me. I am going to be doing things a little bit differently with the grocery shopping in the meal planning, so I WANNA make sure you're aware of it. I am going to be just planning my own meals and making sure that I have all the groceries for those things. If you don't want to eat, would I'm going I would encourage the two of you to brainstorm. Come up with a list of meals that you guys like. Hand me a list of groceries I'll pick them up for you if I. Don't get that from you. By the time I go to the grocery store I'll just buy enough of whatever I'm making for myself, and I will make sure that you guys have enough, so you can have some servings of it, too. So what you're giving them as an option, you either can eat. WHAT MOM is eating? which may not be what they prefer, or you can take it upon yourself to make some plans and make up a grocery list and handed to me and you guys can cook in prepare your own food. Does that seem reasonable? Yeah absolutely and and when I post. They always I mean. I was like what I what I prepare! It's usually it's the other way around that I struggled so I'll have to. Make it clear that I'm going to eat. What I need to eat. Even if somebody else cooks for me. Yes, and that's the thing, but by having this conversation. You're telling them. Don't Cook for me so so on the flip side of that without actually saying it quite that bluntly, what you're saying is an pleased when you guys. Put your list together. Just put enough ingredients for the two of you. I'm really prioritizing my health and I'm trying to work on this personal goal of mine and I am not. Not going to want to take any chances eating foods that might not work in that direction. Your food's delicious. Don't get me wrong, but it may not be helpful for me. Getting to my goals, so please only plan on the two of you, and if you guys are GonNa, want leftovers for yourself, but see by doing this proactively. When you go to sit down, you'll realize already talked to them about this. They already know that on. Yeah Right. It's not like some kind of secret. Exactly. You've had this conversation with them right and what you do is you plan your meals? You Cook for yourself three days. Maybe you make one castle that you know you like, and you just divvy it out portions, but if you don't get the list from them whatever you're planning on making for yourself by enough so that way when you make it, they have food to eat right, but if they don't want that food, and it might take a few rounds of that. They might be like a like mom and all, but this isn't my favorite I'd rather have this than they'll take it upon themselves to start taking action. All right then let's talk about the eating out situation you said you guys don't really eat out that much. Is it about once per week? A couple times a month probably is all it is, but when it is, it's easily like someplace that there's not a lot of options for. What I'm trying to do so and oftentimes we like our favorite restaurant to go to this place that has like shared. Place you know like they're small plates and so everyone shares. Everything. An in those environments. How are you mentally processing it? Is it I'm going to be very restrictive. Barely anything in eat when I get home, or is it well? Heck I can't manage this I'm starving so thus I'm just gonna eat everything and not track today. I usually just focus on the portion like I are small plates. I mean like at this one restaurant. We go to a lot of small plates anyway and to others have a couple bites. Each things were maybe order for five things on small plates, and then I just think about my coercion and I usually try and find like at least one thing on there. That seems healthy. But I know going to a restaurant you. Taking your chances about what it's cooked in, and all that kind of stuff, yeah, on those nights, and like I said it's only eight usually a couple times a month of this all this focus on portion, and do my best and check it. So since you said happens a couple times a month. That means you skip some weeks where you guys don't go out so what I want you to do is if a week goes by, and you don't go out to eat. I want you to pick a random day the following week where you put all of your weekly points to helping curb that eating out experience so so basically instead of being surprised that you're. You're eating out that week I want you to be I took a guest that we probably would be and now I am baby. Put All those extra points on Thursday night, and maybe we're eating out Friday nights. I'm just GONNA move those two Friday night, but if you have a week, you skip, you guys don't eat out at all. I want you in the next week to take your weeklies and put. Put them on that one day that you guess you probably would eat out or close to it. Okay and I want to do is give yourself permission to enjoy it because in really in all honesty, the couple of times you eat out in a month is not why you are not going to make progress with your weight loss goals. If you do what we're talking about it home, and let's just say you. You know out of a collective thirty days of eating dinner to those or even three of those or eating out, and you actually do what I'm suggesting and kind of bookmark your extra weekly points for that day and every other of the twenty seven days. Are you eating at home? Your own food that your meal planning that you know works within your points. You'RE GONNA. Lose weight. You see what I mean, yeah. Okay, but right now it sounds like it's been happening. Is You're eating foods that really don't work within your points that you're Kinda guessing at, and you're doing this thing where you're trying to appease your daughter in your husband versus taking care of yourself. Yeah exactly exactly and again. They would probably want me to take care of myself, but I. It's my own. Gills and not wanting to make waves and. You know garage pension to everything and think of it this way to it. Let's just pretend first second, and this is how you know you've got to do it. Let's just pretend for a second. You got type two diabetes. You go see your doctor says Dude Your weight duty. You're eating. You've got type two diabetes. What is a big inconvenience to your family? The fact that you're having to monitor your blood sugar constantly that you're having to give yourself injections that you're having to take expensive medication that you're having to then definitely eat specific foods at specific times, or would it be better to prevent all of that taking ownership in action now with what you can control. Yeah and I mean I I don't have diabetes but I I have a knee issue that I need to get the weight off to make it. So, they don't have time surgery on as soon as I. It's you know. 'cause I, it hurts all the time so I don't have any cartilage in my knee so so yeah, the wait is is an issue in terms of me, participating in other parts of our life and you know hiking walks in travel and all of that, and when you position this to them, start with that. Hey, guys, you know. Know I've got this thing going on and I really WANNA be more physically active with you I know that possibly having surgery at some point is going to be a requirement to fix this and I want it to be as quick of recovery, and so that way I'm in a place where you guys can help me get around and do the things. I need to do wind recovering because of that I've Made A. A decision I'M GONNA take more ownership of my eating and I would absolutely love it if you guys would be supportive like you always are kind of beyond my team with this and what that would mean for me. Is you both either to eat what I'm eating I'm buying extra food and preparing what I'm eating or I'm giving over to you. Guys total control over what you're going to eat and Cook and prepare. Prepare just me your grocery list by the time I go. If you want me to pick special stuff up for you, and no one's going to say what you want to have a better quality of life. You want to make it to where we have less to do when you're laid up after surgery and have quicker recovery. You Selfish woman. They're not GONNA do that. This all exists within your head because you. Yeah. You've not had this conversation with them yet. I know you haven't. Yeah No, I know I know. It's in my head and I know that they don't care in that. They would do support anything so there. You know they don't care what I eat and. Then they not. It's not going to interfere with our relationship if I make choices. And you can still make mealtime a priority like if that's your family's time to connect I don't want you to opt out at dinner I. Just want you to change. What's on the plate dinner? You see what I mean. That's the only thing and that's what's interesting. I get asked this all the time. People were like but family dinners are supposed to be who says what family dinners are supposed to be like. Is the family at the table check? We're having family dinner I. I don't care what is on each person's respective plate. The family dinner means we're all showing up at dinner and we're all sitting down together. The thing that you put on your plate should be what makes you happy with makes you feel good. What helps you with your goals? And they should be eating food. They enjoy and it doesn't mean that we can't. All community be enjoying our meals at the same time and call it family dinner. You know what I mean Yeah Yeah. Definitely, so let's recap one. We're going to have the conversation with the Hubby and the daughter. We're going to be conveying few very important pieces of information. One is your why you're doing this. Because you want to be more active you and have a quicker recovery from surgery, because if you have no cartilage in your knee, that's an inevitable road. You're going down there and you also make it easier because they're probably going to have to help you kind of get around a little bit and I so you WanNa make that whole process easier. You're GonNa then ask them for support and to. To be on your team. People love helping those they love so if they feel like there's something they can do to make this a little bit better for you and be in some way an active participant. They will get behind you once you do that, then we lay out the parameters of what we're saying. What we're saying is I am going to be cooking. My own food that works for me and I will make sure that I can make enough for you if that's what you want to eat. However you have different tastes than I do, and that's cool, so I am going. Going to relinquish your meals to you guys. You can be the ones that Cook and plan and I will even pick up your groceries when I go to the grocery store for myself. Just prepare a list for me and get it to me by such and such time timeframe in the week. If I don't get one I'll just assume you want to eat my food and all by extra. Okay, and then the third thing that we talked about once. We've set this up. Is that you're going to be assuming that after you have a week of no eating out the following week, we'll. We'll have a day of eating out and then what we WANNA. Do is take your extra weekly points and put them all to one day almost like. Go ahead in your food log. Pick a random day I. don't care what it is. Thursday Friday and take whatever your daily points are. Whatever your weekly points are. Put something in there to lock that down and then eat. The rest of the week is if you don't have them, okay. Okay, all feel doable. Yeah, definitely can awesome was helpful for you today at Yes, absolutely. It's funny how our mind messes with us, isn't it? Yeah Yeah. We tell ourselves all kinds of stories. Oh, yeah! We are great storytellers, and we're always the one that's like the main character, and it's always a bad is the worst of circumstances right like it's never. Oh, and there she is looking radiant, and and talking wonderfully to people, and they're treating her such respect. It's like it's never that right. It's always like Oh, Gosh. Gosh. I can't possibly tell them. What are they GONNA? Think so I totally get that all right my dear and if you could check back in with me, I'd love to hear from you. Let me know how it goes with setting these boundaries how it goes with following through. Okay, of course, yes, thank you so much all right, my dear, you have a great day. Thank you for listening. Be Sure to visit. HOUSE IS DOT com. Check back often for your daily dose of inspiration. Because you are worth it. The information you here on this podcast is for informational purposes. Only the host is not a medical professional. You should always consult with your doctor, nurse or other certified health professional before beginning any diet or fitness program.