You walk thank. You made it weird with the home what's happening. Where does this shane shane. Torres is very very very very funny guy. <hes> at the end of his intro <hes> were actually play some of stand up just to give you a sense of the flavor the flavor for of shane he's so funny and as you'll hear from this conversation just like a really sweet and nice guy as well no surprise. It was fun to have him here in the hot. Ask garage for a esley summer series podcasts and as i say as always we'll get to it as quickly as possible here. I do want to plug the book comedy. Sex god is out. Now still means a lot to me. People message me almost every day telling me how much the book means to them and that always makes me really happy. Also my next stand ended up. Date is august thirteenth <hes> at largo. It's gonna be me and some wonderful guest as it always is always a highlight of my month if if you're gonna be in l._a. Go to largo dash l._a. Dot com for tickets and it's called pete holmes living at largo also wanna give a shout out to the pete's picks as you guys no. I don't do traditional ads for this podcast. I only endorse things that i actually use and truly love first and foremost i believe i recorded this episode while wearing mundy's lounge pants i can say that with a high degree of certainty because if i'm home i'm always wearing my undies. Lounge pants pants mendis. Is you guys know this. It's all i wear underwear style. I'm forty years old. I realized that like holy literally with the holes weak ass underwear was making me sad in the morning. I was putting it on and it was bumming me out. It's one of the first things you do in the day. That was like that's it val alan. I both did a complete underwear overhaul. I personally had heard of me undies from other podcasts. I had heard that they were great. I wanted to give it a try. 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Always free podcast alright hope to see you at largo on the thirteenth august thirteenth. Let's roll into some shane. Torres stand up and then please enjoy my conversation with the wonderful shane torres get into it. Can someone please explain to me what the hell guy fieri the area ever. Did anyone yana who i'm talking about the celebrity chef people shit on that dude all the time time and as far as i can tell all he ever did was follow his dreams you understand people are horrible to a television personality and he didn't do anything wrong. Here's what he did do america. He started the company where he hires everybody. He pays more than minimum wage. He gives health benefits before he has to. He has a nonprofit where he gives pretzel making machines to the schools so they can fundraise. I know that one sounds like i made it up but i swear to christ is true. He works with special olympics athletes and if you need a a little more sugar with this medicine he also officiated a gay wedding but because he has flames on his shirt everybody's ships all over this dude like he's a member of nickelback and by the way what the hell did nickelback ever do the forty million rows happy yeah you don't want them walking around pissed off. That's how we ended up in this mess. That should bother you. I get it. I don't want to hang out with guy fieri either okay i i know he looks like a hot topic major moonlighting at a fridays. We didn't do anything wrong well. What else has he done shane okay and i'm so glad he goes around the country to small businesses and gives them free advertising on a national platform on a weekly basis advertising those small businesses could never afford themselves with his own television show but because his hair looks like he was electrocuted while drinking mountain dew the people act like we need to saw his head off and put it on the internet meanwhile y'all can't get enough of me anthony boarding and he seems like the kind of do that would be mean to dog so i don't understand what is happening. Hang what does he do. Put on rolling stone's t shirts and i tell food courts they suck come on man like if you had had to choose between being stuck in a foxhole with anthony bourdain or gaffey theory you gonna pick pick theory every time i am still doing this bit it was going to do i'll tell you it'd be like that dude every world war war to movie who sucks the whole time then when the nazi show a doesn't do his job get a bunch of good soldiers killed meanwhile gaffey aries over here earning new nicknames like elf waco digging up live grenades throwing them back saying dope shit like welcome to flavor town. He knows he's dying on that beach in france that morning but he's their money and what do y'all do you shit all over him just because he had his sunglasses on the back of his nah. I think it's awesome that he has racing stripe painted on his fridge. Love banks painted it you guys i know i look like the kind of do that would defend gaffey airy. If that's what you're taking away from this you're missing the point that you guys very much. I'm saying we just jump in this. That's okay yeah. Of course you know what i never do. I'm so happy to see you as people do. Interest is to make the guest feel welcome but i'm like well. Just start. Get stupid a baby. I it was bang this out. I'm happy i'm so happy you're here. You're so funny. Thank you for inviting me yeah. It's it's such a great thing like this is pre shane like sunday. They will listen back on this when they got the shane show ozone fucking shane movie but this is like fucking pure ass shane when you know you're on this show because you're so fucking funny. Thank you and you're not coming back yeah. I have no power to wheel. I i i am. I'm just here douay only on ability i. I think you should be proud of that. I think yeah it's some way like in some way back. No no no i did not backfire did not backfire and i. It was more more like it's good. That is why i'm here. There's a good reason to be a for other. Reasons could also be good. You have some other really yes yes. That's what i'm saying i. I'm a believer that those things are absolutely coming and maybe you even know what those things would be. They will find the next way to consume shane. You don't know i. I think i do try shit. You know you're so funny. Thank you thank you and when i watch and i'm like nobody's nobody's like nobody's like that like just great at stand up do really end unique because i always say whenever i see myself i'm like i'm doing. I think i'm doing nine million different people. I mean aren't we all you pointed to brian regan. You can watch me do santo domingo. Oh he's doing a little bit of regan. There's watching if i watch norm i start to sound like like him. I watched people open for big people and they start sounding like the spongy people for sure for something you see a trick or a maneuver they had. I think you're in the funches category. Thank you my compliment. Yeah my old running buddy we did you guys come together in portland yeah. He's toronto group. <hes> blazer ramone ramone ramone ramone loan reminds me of we talked about when he did. The park as funches is sort of like a plant. It's not always it's like a satellite yeah. You know what i mean is. He draws other people. He's like a norm in that. If i open for people six months i would start people feel like angel. I would just start to his tone a little bit or tone meaning energy not a tone. That's right yeah but i feel that coming off of what you're doing in that. It's positive even when it's negative yeah yeah. It's frustration is a good place. What do you mean like when i'm being negative it. It's more emotionally aware way of being angry. Yes i think so ever really funny line in your album. Where you say i wasn't angry. I was upset. That's really fun. I really love that. Thank you for listening to something on your that. I love that it didn't work in the sense that it doesn't like get a huge gap but i don't think it's supposed to so it's not like it didn't work. It worked in the way that you intended which i don't think together huge laugh but you say something that has pulled from my own brain and i think that's what makes it great is. I bet people think this step but they don't say it's weird thing that you won't be at the funeral of everyone you had sex and i am dying yeah tag. The crashes didn't know what to do with it. I think he did as a non tech. Those little you know those little breadcrumbs joke you have for yourself that are like this is going to give me a call. I care but yeah. I think so too. He's gonna give me what i'm saying. This is going to get through this big finish for the one million time that i know works and i love but it still feels better. That's why i loved it. It's your own little territorial yeah. This is what i would do it. Yeah it's like yeah. I loved it. Let's talk about that okay unpacked because the second i tell the people the second part the first part is you won't be at the funeral enroll everyone you've had sex with him. I think maybe the <hes> it's definitely better than going to the funeral. Everyone you've ever know matt scott. That's funny you on the record. You say you won't be at the funeral of everyone you ever loved dark. I was you want no dude. I've been opening so they brought me up to a tom petty song the other night and i just started being like i said something about how he was dead. Eh yeah not even making a joke about wow he's dead or something and people like pulled away. If we're not here to laugh at our own what are we we doing yeah and i guess it's like they. Don't think about it the same way. That may be like a yeah. I do that too because i just like <hes> like you get. You get that ring of like i do love this way. He's dead with michael jackson. You like us tax. What what he where the people say did. I think he did it. I c conversation with a with a car driver. He was driving somewhere and we went from like he was like he didn't do. It like thirty seconds later. You're right. You're right. I quoted kyle. Dunnigan begins instagram thing that they took down. He did really really funny instagram and he was like all they said was he wasn't having acute as girls like that and it was it that silly point made it click for me was like okay he had. He didn't just love kid yeah. He loved type of fucking. That's all you need. Love kids let the kids run around and blow different scene the type of kid considered yeah yeah and separating them from the family in wielding like little like the emotional manipulation shen stuff they talk about in that film was like ways they woke up and he would just be crying. He'd be like do i've. I ships like that yeah high five when your kid you don't know and here's the other thing i know. People don't pop culture but here clearly not. I'm here on the east. Ninety punk band t shirt was the flower that no that's where the band no. It's but yeah. I'm i'm not going to be excuse me. I am not going to be chiming in with a bunch of hot pop culture. Neither of us are okay. What were you saying mm-hmm about m._j. I call them oh. I would say like you don't even recognize that. You're sometimes when you're an adult exactly yeah. How are you going to deal with that. Yeah yeah then. I was gonna say now. We're just having conversation but we're saying what we were going to say to say. Up is that i grew up in the eighties and the nineties these mo- eight hundred eight hundred ninety and i remember how fucking crazy big he was so when when people are trying to apply logic to it like if he was doing that i mean you gotta speak up. I'm like he wa- he was fucking king. It's just it's just get up. I get what you don't want to let it go. Yeah like people will love him so much but i get that too. He just did it though like you know what i'm saying is. I can't listen to tom petty without thinking that he died. I can't listen to michael. That's right. I ryan adams anymore. Is such a huge failure. I i get it. I let's put it this way if i haven't thrown on ryan adams since that i got drunk like a month ago and i really drunk shane looks the other way. You know what i'm sure. She's every it says yes and drunk. Jane looks the other way so he can get bone boom boom boom boom. It's billie jean it drunk. Jane doesn't care drug chain drunk. Shane is a mess and i feel like with that bit your death bit. I don't know i feel like that really is it's like when i saw drew michael special in the ad that joke about these are very dark but he had that joke about killing yourself at the top of a water slide shooting yourself and then going down the waters. That is so funny and i don't. I don't have unwanted thoughts not disturbed person or anything but that's the sort of thing that like when he says it. I'm like i've spent time thinking about fucking weird things like that. We used to more before our phones started thinking yeah kind of for for us and when he says that i sort of feel less alone in the world because we're in these fucking bags filled with blood and what i'm saying is you're saying you won't be at the funeral of everyone when you love i'm like why aren't we talking about that. Well he does feel. I don't know it feels good to get it out. I don't know if feels good to talk about. It feels good in that feels bad. It makes me feel kind of eerie and the fact that it is there and no one's talking about is pretty is pretty upset with like talking about also just read betty like my therapy goes or she goes. She goes a lot of times. You're gonna feel worse you did when you check that yeah yeah because it's big. It's a big thing for me to try this air. Yeah yeah and talk chit chat chat therapy yeah all this other shit comes up and then you're like but like it just i do it so i don't have to have it in me anymore. I don't know if i feel good about talking about it. Ever you know like i just want the solution. I don't know if i really want any of the therapy after the solution being. It's not settling in my stomach anymore right yeah like i don't have to talk about. I just need to know that this is the the thing i have in my head that hopefully somebody else can agree with it in on the sopranos. He says it's like taking a ship. He's therapy and then dr melfi. I prefer childbirth. It's just like getting something inside of you out of you. So of you say if drew says shoot yourself at the top slides uh-huh smuggling dark where you say when pictures wife left me at one of the thoughts. That like really made me break. I didn't have a lot of breaks but one of the things that like back and i'm not proud of that by the way i'm not like. I was strong. I know emotionally numb but one of the things that really disturbed me was i was like one day. I'll just get news that she he died or i'll die and she'll get news that i died. Somebody that was so important. There's something really removed because then you go and live a completely clearly different life and somebody that got him twice and if you think because you more in the relationship you had with him in the new died then you more than that too but then what's even worse i think is that you just hear that they die and you're just sort of like something that would have been the biggest deal in the world is now just like sad but it's not affecting right yeah. Do you think you'll feel that way. Why haven't talked to her and i don't know how long over ten years katie katie so. What i'm saying is if i got news that she thought i would be sad but it'd be sat in the same way that like a dear friend from college that i haven't talked to in twenty died. You'd be sad yeah yeah. It goes from like a really yeah. I'm sorry it's okay. I didn't know i'm the guy in twenty year. You're you're talking about it but i'm one hundred percent with you like i love this dude and then he died and i was like yeah. Cody's did lay hands of bummer. What you're talking about. In that bit i think is why i wanted to kind of unpack it is that there's like seasons of our lives and there's times you know what i'm saying but my wife is my first wife. There was a time when her dying would have been like pete is never the same. You know what i'm saying like. He wanted that would've affected you forever like the devastation. If she had died when i was twenty five and you still married and yeah people would just be like well. We lost pete. Pete pitas gonna just say he's a widower a widower. He's he's a recluse yeah. He's it looks like he's in twilight. He's pale. He's got sunken eyes is he's a fucking you would off the deep end and now it would be like cody died yeah and you'd be like so what happened. Who am i the question underneath. All of this is who are you am. I peed like that. He was just a series of experiences. It was a series of habits. I was used to having its growth relationship but it's also growth. It's not like maybe it's not even growth is just change like like but that's that's where we don't be laughing at his change. Yes yeah and that's where we're afraid of. Comedian will make you laugh at james. That's what ten out of ten. What were you gonna. It is a change. Well sometimes you you don't. I don't know if you grow. I just think you change like u._s._a. Is weird like i might i'm further long career than i was with my one of my last real serious girlfriends and it was always like let's <hes> you know she'd be like. Let's get married. Someday and i'm sure you're like and you're not into that. I'm no. I'm not against it i just did i was so focused on getting into a place where i thought i could have a career at some point. I understand that it didn't matter like what she wanted to me like. I was pretty selfish. Yeah i get what i hear what you're saying and i'm still a little bit like that and i got married yeah. That's why i would've gotten married if she'd been like. We have to get married. I would have right at that point in my life would've cowardly just like okay but at least you knew sometimes being honestly selfish is better than being falsely generous chris that makes sense yeah you use your like. You can't use that candid about like how is this. I would be like i have two shows i had to. I would say like i have to do this. I have to go to this. I would be very candid about what i wanted for a career as a reason to not be close enough to her to those were you and your twentieth at that point yes eddie. Isn't that just like oh. I feel like comedians are almost lucky in and that you know that you're doing that. I think doctors and probably lawyers. Have this also going for them. They started dating someone in your twenties and you're like this might not be forever because i'm trying to climb a mountain with a knife in my teeth yeah i'm every night i swing on a rope from their hiring chicken to another pirate ship. You know oh in till i get enough. I wake up with the actual chore and my yeah yes. That is a good. I feel like a lot did you but you didn't feel that way. When you got married i i was religious so i was like i got to get married because we put my weiner in her in her weiner holder. Think the worst thing i mean there are worse things halder. I love that your are your like your worst thing to china so waiter and everybody else says worst thing worse yeah i it's not a weiner holder is not a baby maker. It's vagina. Drop the mic cart wheel off the edge nicely. I just opened aquafina. I just tried to think of a woman the standard. We don't know her airlines now. She's she's she's. She's a breifly actually here today. Risi rich desserts. We're having fun. Fun with rips are try to stay at a what would we talk about. I was gonna ask because we don't care. We're just here. We're just here together gain and we're pre pre fame shane. I like to call you but i like it because it's like there it is it's common and i want to talk to frame pre fame shame before you get too big talk about it. What is your therapy. What when what what brian therapy and how's it going out. Let me tell you this. The reason i'm asking i get a lot. The feedback from this where people are like thank you for talking about. Your therapy made me go to their be. My life is better so it's piddly no no no. No people wanna hear it. Yeah there are a lot. I guess i went to therapy when i was young for a little bit and i didn't like it so i never went back. Why did you go there. We have all the time we need to talk about. Why did you go to rest anxious kid. So how did that manifest. Oh my mike my folks divorce and all these other what age hours thirteen that's pretty rough because you're like you're. You're there for it. Yeah and the brothers were <hes> you know i have an older brother and a younger brother and they both were pretty wild so i didn't have there was not a lot of my mom was a nurse so like when my dad left it was like a kind of a weird echo we place and then my older brother got kicked out. What are the hours of nightmares. Seven peter seventy seven p. to seven at the same time. Meridian lives are being being lost guys saying those dams. I need you here no meridian's but so so you were home you you were a latchkey kid with two wild boys at home yeah but within my older brother addiction and my brother was al sparklers and stuff. I don't know what it was much worse than that the. I don't think i was that bad but my brothers were really wild so i was like my mom's good kid so like there was a lot of pressure to like get to be grown a little bit. You don't like to act like a man at the age of yeah <hes> which i'm still figuring out in your older brother. He wasn't a candidate for a hate no no he's. He turned man on the house but no yeah yeah he just wasn't he. Had you know like he handled it a different way like this about him but partying yeah partying that kind of stuff you know like wilder stuff and he has like he had kids at a very young age. It's kind of <hes>. He is a good dude but he is definitely traded some weird. <hes> some pass that would change a lot of people's lives right for the worst right <hes> so so but then yeah so. I didn't like it like i wasn't god rather like. I don't think i was mature enough to understand why i was feeling bad. I gather. I would think it was like oh. It's supposed to make me feel better. I don't feel better when i go in this place. It was pretty rudimentary and base like <hes> like i didn't have the intelligence interesting like nor the emotional don't tell him that it was good to get it out and actually talk about it or is instead of just dropping it yeah if i didn't have to deal with now you're dealing with. Yes yeah. I'm doing with a lot of how old are you now. I'm thirty seven. I was just saying. How old are you a nice. He's got a nice little town. I love that song. Is that a song. I hold it's the second versus happy birthday to you. I bet there's a second i i. I happy birthday to sing it again with. How old are you now. You've never done this trout troubled childhood yeah now. How old are you well. This is real katie. How well this is not a thing. I think one of those things like when you're uh-huh your debt. Doesn't your dad always like clippers toenail clean his teeth with our right where i find find out that it i like somebody that really mom or dad. That was sweet enough to be like oh. I don't think that's the thing it's not a thing adding. I don't even wanna google well. I'm sure yeah don't let it not a it's not for everybody my dad. We couldn't afford the second versus my dad call upstate new york upper state new york and i would say it and people would laugh and i didn't know what i mean. You just think your dad's it's right up your state news per state new york. He's still says it. That's very very kind of acute. Old man thing it is is but he was forty when he was doing. I mean like do you go and all i see now when he says it is a reluctance to change which brings me to the other dark joke that i like. Which is you say you dad died and then you're like you see where things that remind you of them. Oh yeah you pass a little league field that he was supposed to be and i thought that was so i guess i'm just i'm in the mood for nude man. I like arc shit. I loved it thank you i loved it. It it just a fun place to write from pay yeah. I don't know if it's good. I don't know if it's a good place to only right from only be out of but like that's what i'm saying is. You're not just fluffy little. I'm not even gonna call it. Saturday's like lemon notes in there. There's something in there. There's lemon notes your second record tour lemon notes but there's something in there just picture of jack lemmon ah blah and his on every note i love it. She'd music but little lemon head. Gotta gotta give them candies jack jack lemmon heads this is good. We're wrestling with fun <music> but i i don't know if it's because i've been doing comedy for almost twenty years now when i look at comedy. I'm just looking for that like those bits pain. I'm i'm thinking best thing like the being surprised in comedy is still like like catching it because like you look at it like in a craftsman kind of way that they're going to go here yeah. They're going to do this right so when they have turn that. You don't see coming something that you could do which is still my favorite thing in comedy like also the dumber the joke now the more. I laugh like a real comedian thing. I think yeah yeah i. I think you're gonna say yeah. I think so too. I don't know what it is. It just like doc. I love a good masterful bit but like if someone's just doing the dumbest joke in the world. I can't yeah not laugh at we forget this bit the other day other words this guy in portland who do this better talk about how his dad was a drunk and he would come home and scream and yell and hit him and he goes and there'll be blood everywhere so nice he goes. I just had to be there yeah good yeah and it was and it was the only joke like i ever had yeah but god just so stupid yeah. I remember leo joe allen who i met him for the first time he's great. He's awesome. That's weird. He hasn't done this podcast but he's in new york he after a show he came up to me and he was like i i had a joke about how electric eels earth thing like crazy that we just accept that there's a fish with electricity and then it's like okay okay. It's like finding out. Seahorses amid a wi fi signal afterwards he was just like i just just love a comedian doing stupid bit but he meant it as a compliment yeah. That's a stupid but no one can do. It is through and it's crazy crazy. That is normal but it's crazy that anything is yeah but it's also data comedian could go in any direction and they choose to go on a stupid direction or silly direct. Yes can as opposed to like. I don't want it to be serious all the time the comedy i'm glad that it can be yeah i completely early agree speaking of not being serious all the time so he started going to therapy because you were supposed to be the man in the house because your parents got a divorce that like i mean i was just my mom. She had a lot of like <hes> issues with depression and stuff so she could see it in me so she was like she was a nurse so she cared about mental health and better. So what is it what how did it start. What was your first experience of anxiety or depression. I was just saying like i would be sad. Yeah yeah yeah the circumstance that would be. I think a lot of people get into their because of catalyst of like a a some kind of traumas a catalyst like whatever it happens to be and that happens to be what happened then so yeah so i mean i would think i would lean towards it before but <hes> you know depression. Is you know it's hereditary so so but what it sad look like like unmotivated like five four to ten years. Aw did you have friends and friends and stuff like it's ed friends. I good friends. I have great friends but they <hes> <hes>. I didn't mean it like sad. People can't friends no no no no no no. I just meant like what kind of depressed where you were. You like fuck. Everybody depressed. I'm going to be alone. I was kind of almost like on public. Display sadness like i would be around my friends n._b._c. Like they knew yeah. They knew what do you do when you're forty baton and video games. Can you know you know there's no. I don't know if you don't you don't know how to fix anything at that point you and all my mother it was trying to do was hold everything together for like i asked her once she was she just when i was like she's like i was in a fog for like four years. All i was doing was trying to like like because we lost a house. We lost everything and we just ended up in this new house but it was like she was all she was trying to keep it like a roof over our heads and like the money everything was fuck so <hes> raising three kids and having them be to be wild and troubling kids like kids are like kind of fucking nuts yeah i mean she could. This was the best she could do. So having good friends was the best. I could still friends with these guys. I grew up with them still friends with them but <hes> she couldn't keep an eye on everybody all the time because she didn't. My dad wasn't around so yeah right. Seventy-two seventy sorry uh-huh. I want an hour early the nursing professional forgive you but i mean that's some serious shit. You don't need you know and your thirteen or fourteen and you go through a lot anyways at that age like you know like you start middle school high school girls. I am i gay gay. Do i know if i'm gay and my gay. I don't think i'm getting like you. Don't know anything about yourself but there's a million things so like there's no stability anywhere yeah so that's i mean so that was a lot of anxiety exciting issues right yeah. What was that a random example or did you not did you struggle with your sexuality not thoroughly. I definitely thought at one point like am. I gay and i was like i don't think i like i like more like i should take the time to consider. This thought yeah yeah because i just assume that i am for the first like five times. I took mushrooms. I would go my game because you know you get into that like super. Honest place are appear honesty. Yeah what are the big questions and i'm like peter you secretly gate. It'd it'd be like oh and i forget what i asked. Now i told i stopped asking that. I have other questions that i ask the purest. May i the other questions. I'm trying to remember. I'm honestly blanking but i remember it used to be my guy. I stopped. I was like are you good. Are you good yeah. Do you think you're good or you like yeah yeah. That's like a shane yeah. I think i think i am i am i you ask you. Are you a good. Am i good. I think i am most of the time. Did you feel good when you were like being your mother's rock. I don't want project on. I m projecting onto you like like did this lead to you resenting that you had to grow up so fast no because i don't think i did like i don't think i did. I just there was some the things that you know like she was like you get yourself up. You go to school like no. One is going to do these things where you need to get a job. You need to stay busy like you need to be doing. Doing things like <hes>. I'd ever resented him. None of it no like <hes>. What about your dad. You weren't mad at your dad that of course i was yeah kind of left with the house. No he didn't leave. We lost the house. My dad was bad with money so he lost. That's what happened to the yeah. Foreclosed then it's you and two wild boys yeah and then eventually my older brother got kicked out and then my younger brother was out forbid. My dad was homeless for a little bit so yeah yeah so we moved them into a shelter for a little bit so in the town you lived in in fort worth which is pretty. It's a decent sized city. I'm not trying to be funny yeah. Would you see your homeless. Dad ed wood. You know i mean he was in a shelter for two months. You know like he didn't but he wa- you i wouldn't that wouldn't be a weird time for him to decide to start showing up again. It's like yeah. I love you and it didn't happen right away just like he just couldn't get on his feet. My i always have this thing in my dad. I think he was a good guy but he he was not a good man. He wasn't good at meeting. Responsibilities like a man in like any adult show that i understand he was a man he identified as a man so i will call him like i don't wanna. I don't think these opera with language right now about miami's but it's good for us to be clear. Yes doc careful. Man of the house is a anybody can run for sure and except my dad uh-huh so forgive me for asking obvious questions what led to your dad's spin out. What was it wasn't like. It wasn't a no no no he was. I think that a lot of depression issues that he would he never ever recognized but <hes> he what my dad my that wasn't drunk or a drug at he was just like he's kind of fucking lazy. I think he just kinda had life happened at him and around him he didn't know what to do. You know like he's like. I don't know if he had a lot of passion for anything i think is a is a dangerous thing yet not having your life in a numbness very hard and he wasn't good with money ed so he lost the house right and then right he lied he lied about tax stuff and to my mom and and then you know things got worse just kept you know money kept getting worse and worse than buccaneers out. He came you know he got gotta. He landed on his feet kind of later on but he's still will great at it but <hes> he just gradually. I just don't think he could hold it. I think it was like depression russian that he didn't know he had like right because he couldn't fix a situation like so he didn't know how to fix any of his shit and he didn't care to try just kinda got he would get back to his feet long enough to like make it to the next round of life and then take another beating re minutes and how did he die. <hes> he had a stroke stroke. He had a stroke out. I was in portland. I was still living there and he stroked out stroked out. Yeah i mean they say hey will like that. My my mom was like yeah because my mom was like <hes> my mom was the medical she'd be like keystroke like like like the term jokes there bit. He died of a stroke or skit. You call them bits. I call him skit. Oh my god i still call them you know i wish i should go some skits for you guys. I i bit the hint of lemon people at one of these places where people were like comedies. Purist are the man my new skits aren't working the way they want and they are just do that in front of like like all the sailors guys which has new skit. Hey boss what you think of this new skin so you were saying you jad depressed dad stroke doc when did that happen. I was twenty nine. Okay so while ago yeah yeah <hes> i was twenty nine he yeah he just had a stroke and if i flew home and they're like he's like they were like my mom was a nurse and then my dad's second again wife was a nurse <hes> and we're all in there and they're just a he's not gonna come back from this like he was like they're like he's got like this. We're never getting him back and then we can just what it wasn't going to happen. So are we bought them off a moving into hospice and then he <hes> he died days in like a day and a half or something like that yeah today with them. Yeah i was there yeah. It was a it's weird yeah. What did it when i've never been with someone dying. Never wow you've been with more than one person died yeah <hes> <hes> well. Mom died too yeah and you were there yeah yeah what was the were they similar no. It wasn't a gun fight it. It wasn't a go out together in a bank robbery or anything like what what was the impression left on o of the actual moment you your experience my mother with my dad. It was like they're both first of all. They're both super. Say secondly with my dad. My mom was there. Ca she still was kind of like around around the family because she was kind of tied to his parents and stuff just through us for through our grandkids a little right. Did you hesitate to say that she loved him. I'm kind of in a weird way not not talk. My mother and i had a really candidate relationship so she would say <hes> probably always love your father but i don't love him like i'm not like the and that way that you will always love somebody to some degree that you've loved that deeply but with him he just i mean i don't know i the only thing i could think about was like i was there. I think my younger brother was there and my mom was there and my grandmother was there my father's mother and and he i just remember i felt so bad for her for my grandmother like you said a terrible arable imagine something worse than saying. They're doing that with your own kit. You know yeah yeah so he died and then mom died it was much with my mother because it was like there's no adults left in my family it just me and my brothers and you were super close with yeah and so when my brother's like she she they they were too yeah yeah even through all she loved the way they'd shoot a flaming arrow into a barn. I honest to god which was something that iraq well in the show crazy that like your example. I'm trying hard hard. They arrested plenty of times dozens. Did they even a confederate flag two-door. No thank rice they. They are a lot of things that are not that. I was the only one of my siblings that wasn't expelled from school on mobile so they were they will just wild. I don't know to me where i don't. I'm from the great yeah all the time like never stopping never stop never stivers stopped like my brothers are like kind of tough guys fight you. Yes absolutely yeah. Oh yeah yeah the chain yes having to fight his brothers. Yeah yeah the god. Those two guys are really going to understand the emotional complexity little doughy thirteen sir but you know if i i wasn't like you weren't i didn't let him just beat the shit out of me back still on a people the whole neighborhood whoever whoever like they fight like they've just wild yeah but like they weren't that different than a lot of the other kids in my neighborhood like it wasn't as they weren't. It wasn't the worst first place in the world but his brother yeah. I mean they were on tour as brother yeah kind of like just like the neighborhood kinda sucks kinda. Doesn't people are mostly working class s. but nobody's got enough money to have somebody watch their kids for them. Both parents work. It's that kind of right like it's not so it's not like doc. Nobody's shooting. Everybody is not like gang vile but it is just bad kids too much time on their hands getting into worse kids and drugs drugs and right and like so substance abuse and then like parents not being around because everybody has to work you know like everybody loves their family kids. They just they go. Oh do fuckin- goalie shit sometimes what shit gully i think i'm using rap i goes in and carmel told me he was like wild like you're nuts goalie shit yeah. We were admiring that use the term grip grip. What did he say. There's a grip. Oh like there was a grip but it wasn't money. I've heard of a grip of money uh-huh. You're ever looking for people that love guy here. There's a grip of him out or that. You were talking to ian said it had grabbed a great use of interesting language. Don't you think people don't use synonyms like i feel like brian regan yeah the first time i heard i say this with full respect. If dane was in the room i feel like so many of us. Including dane learned what i call synonym comedy comedy from brian regan. I'm sure bryan was here. He could tell us where he learned. Yeah but like brian regan being like <hes> i can think of that the dane uncooked bit that made me really think of brian which was like he talks about you ever go in a pool of many come up under a float like somebody who's on afloat and he just goes something something something like don't float above me when i'm drowning in the abyss and i was like a pool in a best. That's the joke is the synonym yes is. The pool feels like an abyss. You call it in the best and that i think a lot of us learned from regan yeah. I can't say obtain did or not but yeah but he's nothing to shame in the game. No no just like a thing. It's a thing everybody does like. We all do and you should call vast. I used to wear i used to work. Coitus and one of my jokes and people will always laugh and it's not a joke really but there's something athletic going on with standard is that you're you're not throwing a football or shooting a basketball obviously but you are trying to show a certain amount of prowess in a communicates yeah. There's something about ability. That's so show off the embarrassed. You have the time you're you're of all the people in the room. You're the only one that prepared ahead of time. The show off yeah said his job was he goes. I show off for an hour night. That's what it is fucking. That's it's right. That's great. Don't be embarrassed. Comedians no gold ago heart. I don't like us the athletic analogies like i i remember comedians with the most ability i'd ever seen like like natural ability of the funniest people often didn't have to prepare that much to do well yes but then they never they don't pop yeah. They don't go as far as they could've. You don't want us. They also get too much shine right in the beginning to people like some guys. Come out of the gate or gals or people. Thank you understand. I'm trying hard still not. I'm trying really hard to shoot a flaming airlines. Won't they come out knowing almost fully formed how they want to be even if they're not good enough to do it yet. Does that make like like they have a tone in a personality right out of the gate that is like oh. I see how they are going to be like what kind of stuff they will be doing right away yeah but then they don't ever have <hes> or not ever but a lot of them don't ever we're making that point of like well. This hard work part right where i have to like. Sit down and do this. That's why you say when i watch your really i see all my influences. I'm like you should be like five kids trying to sneak into a nudie movie under a trench coat. You should be with your influences but then through that period the hard part only only one of you can squeeze through dirty analogies or beauty movie fucking sunday funnies families because i'm just saying the hard part. I was just thinking about a comedian. I knew that used to go on sale would seem like trying out different personas and and i was like this kind got a weird the hard part and the grind is what's going to reveal who you percents yeah. It's gonna it's gonna do it for you. I think it's always evolving who i am. It's like you've been doing it for like two. We yeah like you don't it was a guy. I'm calling a guy a bitch me oversensitive. I call my own uh-huh. Yeah you're supposed to do that. You're supposed to kind of try all these different hats. Try them all on n._b._a. Don't don't ever be under the delusion that your going to decide what your voice is. No yeah no that. That's going to be delivered to yeah. It's all you can be as open. It's just like it's corrosion like you're getting. You're getting erosion. You you form into something smooth eventually all you have to do. All you have is work to do. That's all you ever grabbed. It was like and the audience is going to show you what to do. That's why a writer yeah. He's alone and they don't know it takes so much longer. I think for a writer to find their voice on a stand up. Stand up could change range voices between saturday night yet but i also think there's no way to do standup alone so that's right so riders can always work and stand ups oil yeah. You're so there's there's a there's like i was trying to think in this way <hes> just in my life but also comedic like we're talking about how you know the the compare the like comics musicians musicians only had to play the songs that everybody knows and they can be done. We have to create new stuff and it's harder the idea but it is hard but it's also a blessing because then rain yeah yeah he's. He's envying the woman in the song who died. She didn't have to sing this a million. That was all you got me over but i don't even know what that's the job trump. If it's somebody favorites kill them. I don't know what that song about pete. What is about i yeah i don't i honestly dude. I think the second verse happy birthdays. Don't look to me for james taylor. You know guy. The guy looks like he sells sandals. You know the guy from funny people yeah the guy from people face fuck facebook fuck facebook facebook in the face god so you were saying we don't know do we know i can't remember about the five kids in the nudie trenchcoat coat. The influences are valuable but like i mean <hes> you don't want them to you know i guess imitation is the highest form of flattery. Sorry blah blah blah but like where are you how much of it you take keep and what you do with it is right is extremely. That's where the hard work thing comes in. It's like <hes> her. I think it was calling quincy's. Writing is the hardest part because it forces you to recognize. You're not a genius. Oh that's fun yeah which is kind of like what that work is to me like when you take take those things and he finally oh. I'm kind of doing this like like norm and it's working <hes> so now if i keep doing this. I'm just gonna end up. Being you know i'm norm norm. Yeah you like what you take what it is and not you take from it what you want but you don't take what it is like you taking you take like the idea of the inner because one of the things i like that he does is he. All his jokes are just the words. He's saying like what he's doing a bit. That's twenty eighteen minutes long about like a raisin cake or whatever he's fucking talking about. There's not like a lot of is like in a lot of like drawn out like flowering our in comparisons to thank. You don't like very like <hes> was it <hes>. Do you know the bit of from the last maybe the last week talks about murdering woman. The devil made me do it. An old old bet no the <hes> if i was going to murder a woman and he just does he just talks talks about how he would play into murderer like talked about. What's the serial. Killers are always the there's so meticulous and then when it comes to burying the body they always get founded a shallow grave. It was like because they're always hasty. He's just saying these words that are not like he's not yeah these just i can't but from him it is. It's attitude driven because it's norm yeah. This is why so many beginning comedians terrible i think is because they studied the greats and the grates have found these voices. I made this point a million times. I used to analyze stand-up records and put on seinfeld's. I'm telling you for the last time i'll go and the opening line is what so what's with the cab drivers in the show right and there's like a thirty second laugh after that line go to an open mic and say what's what the cab drivers the fbi. Oh you know what i mean this kind of person but god bless that's not gonna be. It's not gonna be at thirty six. I'm not saying it's not a funny line but but like an open mike but he also gets because he's just famous seinfeld to. He's doing what he does but he's doing what he does last sure he's being who we want him in the need him to be but when you're comedian you're actually trying to forge who you are so you should be studying the people that are like one year ahead of you should not the mass that was like both steady both for sure but that's like what you're saying but it's hard to study somebody. Who's one year ahead. 'cause it's not good yeah. That's the other thing it's like you yeah. You should learn to crawl before you walk but it's it is hard to the people that are like one year ahead of me. When i was starting. It was like matt brand. They were good yeah. I was watching it. I was like holy shit. That's there's a that's also a rarity your yeah yeah i i. That's the thing people don't talk about. Comedy like timing is the key to comedy clearly but like timing and when you start in who you start around is it's like i was so lucky that started like around the same time as funches an in carmel and all these other these interesting brilliant comics yes that we're doing creative things blowing richard bain with another guy winning streak all these people i just i was just like they're so so funny and they're not acting like comedians. Oh yeah yeah they were coming out of the gate swinging issued. I think about this all the time. My my scene was camille hannibal t._j. Canadian brought anger john roy just like everyone of those people that i just named. None of them are like each other no. They're all really funny. They're all really really. Is there. A is there somebody. I always ask comics. Is there somebody from that area like this was the funniest person and no one's ever heard i do we call this black and white photo fat guy between whoopi goldberg robin williams. It's always there's always like me and melena. Jugglers douglas like no one could follow freddy. There was always some fucking freddie. Yeah like no one could touch fucking freddie but of course he does coke and explodes or dies or they just don't make it. There's a million ways to not make it in comedy. That's a book as not but let we think hard on that. Was there a guy that used to just mow the house down. There were a lot of like artistic types. There's a guy named mike olsen. Who is ah genius just almost like an andy kaufman very he wasn't like a regular stand up. He was irregular. He would go up he would sing the song oh poor little fish rush y you said. When will you die like just like really absurd stuff. I remember so many. I know that i remember those jokes all the time. I think those guys can can just steal that joke i and comedy any more. I think about it all the time. What happens to people's we almost episode of crashing. When someone retires or we're quits or dies. You should bequeath your act to somebody. He thinks so. I mean if you want to if you're not famous or not famous if you're not famous miss usa hey. I did this one pretty good right. That's so maybe i would like. Maybe pete would like by rainbow jokes. Well keep it going. Keep it alive. I mean it would be kind of cool but also the notes will just feel so disingenuous. No i know you shouldn't do it. It's a terrible idea. I also also this. We should have a comedy scholarship where a bunch of famous put a thousand dollars. You get ten famous comedian thousand dollars. Suddenly that's ten grand grand. You do it with thirty guys thirty grand. You can sponsor a comedian right so you find somebody that's amazing and he sponsored them. I wonder what you think about that but i'm also like the problem oakland with that is like it's not gonna work. What is also the system works. I don't think it's always fair. No work out pretty well works a <hes> greg fitzsimmons said once this was at new facing goes you know like some podcast he was it was just that he said if you work hard and you're nice and funny and don't quit and don't what he was like. You'll get there like you'll get somewhere like it won't happen on your time online and not everybody's going to get everything they want but he's like you can get to a place that you would like to be happy with which is like. Maybe that's like for a lot of well. That's like respect to their peers in a working career. Yeah i think that's where most of us are well known that i just mentioned all those people all of them were lines and they're all working and that's what i tell young people now <hes> back to your comedy scholarship thing for a second here go ahead. Don't you think the more valuable thing would be like if you guys all saw this kid and you're like well. We'll just to help him like yeah. Let there is a comedy scholarship. It's read your open for me yeah. That's the comedy scholarship yeah. That's why i'm saying. I don't think it's perfect and i know there are probably frustrated comedians listening right now but things of that one if you're listening to this and you don't feel like how shane felton portland or how i felt in chicago mood. You should find find another place anyway. If you're around better comedians to another scene. There's another senior but you just need to be better. Comedians like all the time like dude we that to be around people able to make you punch your fucking wait like really hard because they you bad like you get really fine tennis. Don't play with an fucking shitty person. Play kicking getting your when i moved to new york. Get it blew. My mind is malini and crawl work in the same room. It was like you're gonna follow you. Come in with some steam under your belt when when you moved to new york it was that was from chicago and that's what i tell you i was like if you move to new york and you're from portland. That's your credit. Yeah and it'll get you booked for a little while but yeah that's actually good for the outta. Town are moving out of town and don't even look down some stuff. It'll booked on some stuff but then you hopefully you can deliver and then you can stay in the mix proof in the pudding yeah like i. I'm fortunate that i get to do a lot of fun stuff but i think it's because i i do well on. Those shows like i have some. Some credits tricks work once yeah once. That's why this comeback here tell of these scumbags it would if you wanna get booked on some hot show just lie and say you're getting ready for a late night. Set was like yeah that works once and then everyone knows your fucking piece of shit and we can't wait to blackball. You and a lot of people don't think you deserve a late night. Set other people go so. It's a lie yeah. Somebody will be like yeah. I guess it gives you so. It's like it's double. Salt gives me because you are two reasons. Presenting the idea that you are like you are lying but the only they're going to be like all of a sudden have respect for that's right. They'll give you the favor yeah but it doesn't mean they're going to be like oh now. He's great. They won't think that but but you're i'm so with you. It bears repeating surround yourself with people that are a little bit better than you or a lot better in a lot better and i don't want them to be so good that i'm like. I can't even touch this. I people people you felt that way but about when i was starting starting that's why you know kumail and i became friends not me john john roy was the middle and we were open makers. He was on the road okay so he was a little too out of my out of my league so was bronco but like kumail we'd both only done santa maybe two or three times uh-huh or maybe five ten times and so that was. I don't want to call it an alliance plans but we made an alliance. It's fortunate that you start with somebody who else who wanted to be good good and not yet. You can feel that though can't you. I mean yeah. You know really quick like this was happening. Let's say they're not gonna be at the places you want to be totally funches at some shit show in portland and i was just like yeah okay you donovan. He'll he'll he'll be he'll be. That's what i tell the young don't quit especially if there's something unique about them like voice or some style or some yeah yeah. Oh you're you're. You're from alaska something. That's the thing i would tell people. Don't quit. I would just be like do be unique like don't like i know you see what works yeah. What do a better version of that like like so many people right now. I think are comedies in this wonderful place half the time time in half the time. It's like a bad like every all these people were talking about the same things and nobody's doing it def-. I only ever wanted to tell jokes that nobody else could tell like that's all yeah meaning. I love that that's great but i think a lot of people are doing that right like they're just now i had uh uh they're saying the same things and it's boring like even if i like what they're saying. It's still kind of boring to me. I hear he's saying ice cream. Cream can be boring like later when i was like yes i do. I think that it's good but it's it is like it's yeah. Where's the special person like right yeah right. You know what i think is a big problem with sound like an old. I don't care with comedy these days. Is there so much work that if you're twenty two and funny we're gonna you're gonna get scooped up quickly. That's pant and that's what i'm saying people. You're going. What's that. I think it stunned. That's what i'm saying. Yes it takes them out of. We sound old. Let's clean it takes them out of the grind and i'm not saying you have to work. The road for a mill road sounded good. A lot of people like i wrote can leave a stink worse way and there's good. It's sometimes it's the work you take it. Yeah that's nice. I like that yeah but anonymity is power and that those ten years we're looking demetri. Martin said that to he was like that's a really good. Point knows who you are. You can be anything but a lot of people being told who they are right as soon as they're barely figuring out who they are are minted and now it's like well. That's what they are and that's what they do. I know they can still move and grow and change like so. You've been like a successful successful comic for what ten years probably like in a sense of like you were headlining and you've had some t._v.'s yeah right before that happened before for you became commodity or whatever you know trading in futures was i 'cause like i had this one i did your show at largo was like nobody really knew who i was there. Outside of maybe some of the other comics yeah and maybe a few people but there's an anonymity and being like yeah. I'm gonna fucking kill like did but the expectation of you is that you have to kill even harder because they hear that it doesn't. It doesn't feel that way. It doesn't yeah so you have that to look forward to again. I mean that only as a complement earned but you don't feel like no no. There's no comparison of your work to previous work or that kind of stuff that i because i feel like it always needs to be better like the game with myself like like i want my next special to be the best special that i've done and i but i'm the one that establishes those steaks. I don't feel the pressure from the outset source or anything the but i also don't look for it yeah i do. I'm not good. I i make it clean review do you do you want oh god the review. I sound like seinfeld the review the audience. It's being reviewed as i do. That's that's what the audience breath. Why do i need someone who wasn't there to come and tell me how i did. I heard the labs. I hear the applause. He gets to say that though that's because he's seinfeld i like i like somebody who's great. Who doesn't have that kind of always going to be like. I'm jerry are- seinfeld comedy writer for item jerry as our patrons. Same is trying to tell all comedians that that is your birthright. I think the right he's right yeah but <hes> he has a certain amount of clout he his muscle was strong but okay take get out of comedy and be like you saw the spiderman movie and then you saw the reviews or bad. I don't know of any of that is true. Yeah i heard conquest say this. I think it was calling seinfeld talking about it on something and con supposed to be like oh. I thought i enjoyed it but i didn't you know what i mean. This reviewer says that the plot was then. I thought i loved it yeah. You know what i'm saying. Ah collins said that it was calling. What i'm saying is you can take it out of standup like of it feels too proud or cocky to say like fuck you it was reviewed in the moment home and just look at other media the new stranger things isn't as good really. I thought it was the best one like why. Why do you need someone to tell you what i tell myself. That is what lega so. I'm gearing up because i wanted to sell a new special guy and get <hes> but i'm gearing up for it. It has to be better than the last night was the last one note of lemon notes subject line but it has to be better than the last one to me like you do yeah but like right now. It's not yeah no no. That's great yeah. This is what makes fun is that it's like golf racket ball. It's like you can never perfect it. He's never done when you fill me as a band. It's this kind of fucking but you do feel differently this new our just like as i'm working on it because when i did the last hour doing crashing i think it's great but now i'm like oh shit. Eh can be laser focused on just stand to you more tuned into it and whether or not the end result is that much different. I actually don't know and that's kind of an interesting experiment to me. There's little things that other comedians will notice and be like oh that you've done that. One hundred fifty times and you find that little micro tweak yeah that makes it feel like a master. It's almost like we're sure. It takes another mathematician to notice that you carry the one in a very sexy way but we'll see. What were you gonna say. I used to do that what you were saying about like how you've done this thing a thousand times and then people see how you doing it different this time in the yeah. I like. I'm like this is. I think that's it's bad for me to do it too many times to do something similar so like i was fucking say this so on the album album. I do bit about my dad dying right now. I have this thing where my mom died. Recently comparing. The dead parents met yeah yeah. I'm dying bed. Funniest dad dying unless you wanted to kill die. Here's the other thing i wanted to be. I wanted to be like the best like if i'm gonna make a joke about my mom dying. I wanted to be the best possible. Joker can be about. My mom wanted to be like a song read right now. It's not so like i i don't. I guess i'm just between you. Did you have anxiety between your first and second album or special. Social between pregnant with wonder was that the first one pregnant with wonder was the first one and then the second on my iphone and it goes off for my alarm and i can't figure out how to turn it all areas. What do you mean like the alarmed thing that you do in the gang. Yeah yeah yeah the the guy in the crowd. You and i both have somebody in the crowd that we tease record highly recommended. Yes yeah the king. Oh god i forgot about the king. What do you think that guy's doing now. I don't know i think he's come to another show since then they were in san francisco. I'm but no i didn't there. I i'm i'm for. I'm blessed with a blast. I'm fortunate to have the disposition of like not worrying about things like that. That's fucking crazy to me. That's fucking so i enjoy the game of like ooh. I can motivate myself by making the next one the best it's ever been yes but i don't go so like what if it's not as good. I do that stuff because i don't you come like you should live with me. I come home. I'm so good at stand up and i don't say that to be proud. She she comes home from her dance. Class wild and free here in los angeles on sundays. Give it a gig. Give it a. I'm so good at it. I'm so good at teaching and i good to find that thing you're good at. Were you raised your house where you're allowed to be good for you to know that you're proud of being good at something like i think so yeah. Were you not i. I don't think so i i think i think like you show up and you do the work like kind of like. Let it speak for itself but don't ever go. You don't ever yeah and i think i did when you didn't go. You don't get that like fuck. It forget pride. I'm i'm trans pride. I'm beyond pride yeah i. It's it's never been on ever be beyond. I feel i'm just saying it's beyond it's the feeling of a foot going into a shoe. You're just it's like. I'm good at stand up. When i do stand up. I'm good at it. I think i'm good at it but i could never say it out loud. It's like ever you cry and now shane. He said it now houston. You good stand up nah. I do good but i don't don't <hes>. I'm always thinking this is. It's the same thing it's the same problem we've been talking. I i did well but i know how well i can do and that is is not what just happened in the and like after every not every you know some sets. I'm like i'm actually pleased with that thrilled with how that went but <hes> i more often than not will walk off being like you'd you did your job will but you know where where you what's your what the level of ability ability you have had and can take it too was not that to join you in that because i'm not you know but that's the way with everything aretha like. What do you mean i think for if you're passionate about your work. That's how you should feel about a motel well. I sometimes get off the stage and i'm like i feel like there is a combination the nation to crack most audiences and sometimes i come off and i go. I just didn't have it. I had the wrong three numbers so that's very you switch gears and i think sometimes they pick up on you switching gears and they're like oh. He knows that's not helpful that i have a partner right. I'm good with a partner and val is the best in the world old and i'll come home and sometimes i go god. Damn i'm good at santa and sometimes i'm just like <hes> yeah. They're sweat on my back like talk for different competes. I said the other night. I was like drenched in sweat onstage. I don't go by laughs. I go by sweat can actually do that. I can kill embalm. Oh yeah yea. That's yeah. Keitel's say that i was great yeah. Oh yeah those are some of the best sets like those are the league <music>. I am indignant. I know most shy sean patton. No i'm just saying his confidence. That wasn't that wasn't reference. No no yeah we're almost one of the king's he's he'll go up like a fucking bayer. Stalking its prey. It's fucking. It doesn't really matter what it is. It's just like you think like it's like sean. Do you think this guy's like if a boxing match you he comes out and you're like it's the fifth round. He's still punching this much yeah and he looked like a boxer in the thirties. It's not my celebrate your like look out for gorgeous joe. He's got he's got the you know he wins. He's got yes. He's got that old hard belly on them. Yeah he's got houdini bellanger. Gosh he's got a who was built. Oh my god he had a fucking joke the other night that made me laugh so god and i wanna blow up his job. No do it he. He's talking about how he was at. I tell you to do it at across while there was a a girl in front of him with a lovely dairy air <hes> and he was like i'm not being a creep. I'm not looking at. I'm not going to be just a good guy and then he sees the craziest fucking homeless guy you've ever seen in your life walking by and he just looks at her ass goes ooh granted temporary sanity acid granted. He goes he goes timothy. I've been off my pills for four days and my parents live in florida. Please please call them dancing around and if you know what it looks like when he's doing is oh god. He's one of my. I know everybody loves him and thinks he's the funniest person he's very very fun but he's he's undervalued. He's not under appreciated. I get like like more people well. I'm sort of waiting for the great sean patton thing. That's why i can't say it enough. Not me putting you down. I know you noticed oh. That's putting china and i'm just like we are pre the amazing sean patton movie sure the amazing which you really feel for for these like the just because i've been on the awards read all the are you really yeah yeah because like i worry about it all the more so it was like. I don't have a safety net so it's me i don't have a girlfriend or or parents or you don't like so i don't is so i am filled with if he can pay for things with homemade tattoos. Your brothers always help you and my closer the rips. You think you're a little imprint. They do have some fucking crazy tattoos they do yeah. That's what i wanted to ask you. Go from the wild boys and your mom working seven to seven where we're weirdest. This and i say this with a huge open heart so when i say you're sad boy i don't mean to belittle it where does sad soft shane in the middle of a centrifuge centrifuge of despair. There's your album interviews despair. Where do you get off going. I'm gonna be in showbusiness show-business. Your brothers are wearing pizza boxes for shoes. You're where they're wearing very rough looking work boots. So where do you like. You're here in this very stand up like in high school. I would pay bill hicks records at parties and people would be like you're an asshole like just on the record. I would take the vibe over the party over. Bill has got to hear this. This is not sublime but like bill cosby's himself was like one of those things like it wasn't a it wasn't a thing i was going to do. I just liked stand up a lot. I liked lesbians off for me too is i think it's the one might be the best special of all time like a very very good yeah understatement and i haven't found. I used to say for me but my mom was reminded him. My mom was an immigrant and generation mexican american and they would laugh at it and they didn't get my mom didn't get like a lot of american life. You just help me understand something like my parents. Parents would laugh at it too and i liked him yeah. He was just not that's how good it was to me that it was a cocaine woo or bad person noted added eighty light up the bad person noted like with respect to crimes and we're talking about an album o._j. Simpson's still in the hall of fame for football right was kinda nordberg appointment. I thought he was he was so funny. He was such a funny yeah. My being like i saw it was so good to me that it worked on two in two ways is for for two completely different people <hes> who thought something was funny tweet me my mom did not think the same things were funny <hes> but like we could see him and think it was it worked on both that's how good he was crazy right and then getting into stand up jesus when you first start seeing pizza <hes> <hes> it'll be eleven years no twelve november fourth wow my dad's birthday but plan lamb doing now. Tell me whoa how do you start. I was born in texas fucking the courage. You had to have a friend in texas and i left shane david then we find out she wasn't real. I have no comedy ties in texas at all really no. I was in texas bartending and i was like i thought it was going to be like. I was like looking at all these guys i worked with. They were all kind of drunks. Dieback cure. I almost freaked out and i had some money saving. I'm gonna move to san francisco and get a get a degree or a million dollars two thousand expensive city in the world and get it. I had two thousand dollars. I was like this is enough money. You know like wow and then i ended up in portland because i didn't like san san francisco as much as i thought it would. I know was there probably a year before and before maybe two years before start doing stand up in the nose like i saw a show and it was like that's something i always wanted to do and then they just kind of asked this guy who was hosting it tristan spill when he was in portland yeah at the bag so you moved to san francisco don't because only lemus san not to do comedy just to get out of drunk well. I was gonna should might agree. I was going to be a musician wouldn't play and we slapping. You know i was a vocal performance major yeah i didn't i can't sing. I thought i could i can't what do you mean. I'm not very good. I don't believe even i believe it to see sing the national anthem at a hockey game. I like kevin smith jerseys you love. I'm saying i did it. Here's no no because i did. I love music. I don't go see music all the time. I always go see she's just trying to think thank you love it sorry but when you introduce the element of competition you didn't work into it for me like like trying to get chairs and trying to get spots instead of <hes>. I didn't like music that much anymore so it it was more competitive than comedy or grosser. Why don't accommodate was the thing comedy. I just was better at it and i fell in love with it pretty much from the start and it was like the thing i think the more i do it the the more still love doing it like whereas the only job i've ever had that. I was like increases yeah. It only gets better. I know i know you already know that yeah so i get some of the treats like when i go out and open for somebody big and you're like like yeah that and that's the anonymity things who like i'll go out and open for kyle or bert or someone like that and then you walk out and you just rip for you only have to do fifteen minutes and people lose their fucking minds like you're going going to be the next person to make it. I'm like fifteen. Minutes is a lot different than an hour right right but those fifteen minutes you get to that air they do yeah for sure and pieces ah in pieces and pieces reston pizzas recipes so you went to san francisco to get your thing and he didn't couldn't get a chair and then he had a grip then he moved to portland also not to do comedy just no no. I just wanted to see something else. Twenty two quantum leap leaping around sound different hats different but i'm just saying like what we were saying. Already was in regards to comedy was like if you don't like you're seeing move. That's like a very hard. Yes you need to do that like like tip of the looking for some of your town because you saw you forecast in the future and you didn't like it gets so. Why did you leave why daily boston yeah 'cause i. I hate it. I want to get out of there. Yes i mean i hate but i mean i didn't know l._a. Hated it and i love it now. I love going back and touring there. I don't like visiting my parents but i i just wanted you. Don't like visiting your parents know. I i wish i could visit my parents pete and i wish my no dude dark too dark dui et it now. Is your mother listen to this. No no no no. I don't wish they were dead. I what i don't like visiting them. Both can be true. Do you like it when they come to visit. You know i'd rather fly myself on fire. Really you'd never met a comedian. You have this. I mean just the nature yeah. I watched your show so like it seems like you do have like a closeness with your family now. No not really i mean like on the show. It seems like you betrayed like a very close like your mom. I was yeah yeah and what painful is. We can't be close in the way that we used to be because i find that psychologically inappropr- okay then that's fair so so my mother and all kidding aside i do like seeing my parents just for about twenty to twenty five minutes there yeah and i love them even if my dad was still alive that hang out with a whole sunday. It'd be like that so it's hard hard tonight. Our parents and it's also i think it's it's emotionally complex and i would say mature and the result of a lot of my therapy is to be able to say i. I really do love them and i really do want the best for them. Of course you want them to be very highly and i'd say to their face. I'm like we're good for about two meals. Yeah and that's okay like we don't have to beat ourselves up about that and you don't have to be angry about it like a new round that meal where we have the same conversation again. It's like no one's is winning or you can but you can find a place to be better with like maybe you can get to a place where you really are good for third meal like a relationship with your parents like like me and my older brother like dogfight. All we've really wedding has a butterfly knife and you know you're getting so much closer. The butterfly knife stabbed triggers closer now. No yeah kind of like eggs. I know appointed to. We are uh this is. This is a big step for us like he. I've said this on stage. I think the hardest part for all of us was like we don't like we were done being raised <hes> or i do anyways. I don't you know i don't wanna speak my from my brothers very hard like i'm one of the more stable ones and i'm a comedian who travels all the time so right but my older brother and i we just very different people. We haven't got along a lot in our lives. We've always fought but he called me the other day. You were as one phone call. It was it on the other side of the glass those ring. I mean if you wanna meet him pete. Oh no is he gonna come. Get me now the state of texas j._k. Love you blaze. Tour is let you go of blame of blood herman blood but he called me to tell me that he was thinking about me and he loved me which is something he's never done uh-huh which is like a massive step for him too because he doesn't. He's not that kind of person so i don't know so the point the point of getting to about your parents france is that like that's huge and it's really huge for us and we would get down and like real fistfights in the front yard things like that next to an old toilet. I see an old toyland not yeah trash all right. It was waiting to be picked up by the toilet trash. The toilet trained. I love that you were like what if this yard but we knew where to put the toilet like i'd never you brought up the god dabbed brothers i do and we're we're closer every every year really maybe that'll happen for us to yeah my point. Why is it being this like you. Maybe you can get there with your folks better. It can still grow. It may not ever be like i can talk to my dad every day. Now i can talk but he can mean gene my leg. It can mean more like as possible and ed and i. I wish i'd done that with my father. I wish i'd done that with my mother and i love my mother so much talk about everything and i still wish we could. There are still things we could have done more of here. I hear that it's just it really is tricky. When a parent it's sort of running old script the script when you were eight and you want to update the program to who last time i saw my mom i was like i say this all the time. I'm like i don't wanna be your counselor and i don't wanna be your partner. I wanna. I just want you to be my mom. My mom and i mean we don't really know how to do that. Yeah and it's kinda like happy for me like she vents events about my dad and then i'm just like i or events about my brother and i'm like that's my brother and that's my father like i don't want to. We don't know what because you. There's nothing to talk about except pain so i'm like i mean people. I have friends that are like go to move some. She doesn't like movies. Go to restaurant. They don't really like restaurants restaurants like a really tricky maze to traverse for sure i would my mom was that way to like. I would like a it'd be like you need to get out. I wanna see you be happy as a person to join book clubs and all that kind of church more. She's like my mom was catholic. Yep <hes> and encourage anybody. I just want i wanted the ben ali them similar and i tell my mom more church. My mom is difficult though that's kind of like a funny way to the lady in the book group that's gonna like 'cause some shit and i liked that about her. She just like she does. She just come in that way with everybody. She's just my mother other would invite but like just like you need to find a shirt that makes you look less chubby. She would just say that to you by the way that's a great fitting shirt. I know i know that i find that was my dad's second wife was that oh yeah and then boston too. I wrote it in my book. I was like there's a comfort to being with somebody. That says what they think because it you know when she says she loves you. She means it sure as shit saying everything that she's yes so you're i guess that's yeah. That's why like when chelsea elsie and i would really really close. I think i was acting out you could say karma but like an old pattern of like i love people and i love jealousy. I love chelsea and i think part of my attraction to that relationship was that you reminded me. A little bit of my thickest chelsea would be my jelly like the million. She's one of the funniest these people in the world and neal brennan is also a good example these people that remind me of the comfort i feel with my mother. It's strange because their direct with you because their a direct yeah but they're not your mom. It's easier with a friend like yeah that and i liked that because your friends choose you your mother. Doesn't i aw dude can i. This is what it is my mother. I know what she wants and it's it feels damaging to give it to her. That's that's my relationship with my mother. That's yeah that's tough like. I see that she wants to snuggle her and i know that's the right face to make this should be t._v. Show she just went sticking my tongue out the kiss face. She just wants to be very touchy and snugly and she just wants me to her baby. I just be her baby and a that's. I had a bit. It didn't work because he's not getting it from somewhere else. So that's why i said i don't wanna be your partner yea. I'm not better dad yes so yeah yeah and it's not like when you say i i when you say i don't wanna be your counselor and i don't wanna be your partner. You mean like i can listen to you. 'cause you're my but i don't she she's. She's taking like a that's. She's telling me like i. It's almost like the things that she confides in there. So weird heard that if i told you would be like what and that's what i'm like. There's no boundaries here. My dad was that way to like. He was like he was like a inappropriate uncle in a weird like he'd be like he would say things to me. I'm like why are you telling me like i'm your normal thing for. Let me to be like yeah. This is like a normal thing for me to be like boobs oracle but like oh interesting or what. I don't talk to me about it yeah like yeah. It's a it's not it's not weird the interest or whatever kind of thought i have about something. It's weird that you want to share right with me yeah. I don't know where the idea of mom or the idea of dad comes from but when i'm saying like i just want you to be my mom. It's based on something. That isn't isn't really happening what i do have from both of them as a lot of support and a lot of love and yeah very grateful for that. We're just weird my dad. My dad takes text me today and it was just another picture of an inspirational quote. He saw somewhere no matter how many times i tell my dad that like different than mine really got got. He's living the tag live dead hashtag living bad your dad's are checking in but like i've i've done a lot of work being like when my parents pass. I think i've done enough work that i'm not going to be like why didn't i didn't i. I don't know that's good then like if you're moving up. Do you feel like you were openly and honestly and i tell them that i love them. Do you feel like because you're a new father. Do you feel like you are taking things from your parents like how they were yeah. I mean maybe it's to got your daughter's too young to like for you to do you know in a good way in a bad way you catch yourself shit fuck and i think both of us are parenting painting style. You know you have a bad set and then you really want to have a good set. Yeah i think the some of the things the bleeding boundaries for example when i changed leila's diaper i say may i i before i take it off. It's like yeah like you can see like hyper boundaries with with the baby where you can the other trying. You're doing the inverse of yeah yeah and there was nothing sexual in my family. That's not no no no. I don't think you can see the way that some of the pain that i've had even though they did their best and they did a good job. That's really more informative formative than the i sure. Do you wanna have kids. <hes> i the very thought of having what it gives them. I think sounds like so much fun and then i have it's immediately followed by anxiety like like i look at this outlet over over here and i'll be like i would never remember to not tell a child to not put something in that i i honestly i don't think it i'm using that example because because that's the thing i thought when i was thinking about like what if i have kids like i got filled with dread now. We're seeing this girl for awhile and she was like i'm i'm not going to have kids like you know in her pretty serious and i was like i never really thought about wanting to have one when she said no it kind of it made it so very real oh that like she was like it wasn't like we were talking about having kids more like she was just like i'm not going to have kids like it was just a matter of fact. She knew she wasn't going to do she was saying she she just didn't see it in her future and i got very sad of the idea of it not being there interesting. I feel like maybe culturally. It's more normal for a guy to be like. I don't have kids and then he wiltz. It's almost like built into the american story like no guy wants. Change your mind but when when the woman is like i don't know for some reason that feels more definitive. Guys are idiots and we don't know where we're doing. Well we grow to later. I guess if obviously a woman could have the i'm saying there's a fucking weird story that i that. No one wrote that i'm believing in that moment i'm forty. You're forty so your first child at forty how much time it's been ninety minutes. I'll get i like a ninety minute light and it's good to have a meeting at three thirty. I have a meeting at three thirty. Meeting with landscaping rids ramsey's risk lars wife is coming over real talk about our backyard and if she doesn't have a twin. I'm going to tell her to leave home. I don't want to talk about your o._c._d. Still have o._c._d. Do you still have i retire with that question. I retire octo yeah. It's not near as bad adas was like the therapies over that she was and she was like i started my therapist and she was just like it seems like you have like compulsions not full blown. It seems like it's fairly mild is what what she was kind of rank because i was bringing up to do these things a lot and i was telling her about how it manifest and stuff. She goes yeah bit but it's not like it's not super serious yeah. It's not so much that keeps me away from life. Yeah yeah like it's like people just notice it radio like say they're addicted to pornography and that means they look at pornography in in the morning and then again at night and that's like people that are addicted. Don't go to work the difference to me. It doesn't sound yeah. It is likely with soap. Not jerusalem's like all have chisholm awesome jizzle. Gotta go gotta go. I don't know choose chisholm. This is pretty pretty blue flu podcast for you. I know five lot of debt into. I love talking about death so awkward that we're not always talking talking about it. It is crazy that people don't talk about war. It's like the twilight zone. It's the monster on the wing of the plane and everyone's acting like everything's fine but but we need to find somewhere between panicking and ignoring it's nice and in riot here. It's a fine line so you so you just have some compulsive behaviors. Yeah like <hes> like the other day. I was with my buddies at i was was it wasn't the other day. I was like a few months ago was hanging out with caramel in an in all the guys over at his house and something happened and i just had to like do this thing and i i will knock con would match the syllables of sentence in my head to the crazy but like if you have to do it because you're afraid something bad might right happened auro cd. There's a supernet. What's the can you say with the bad thing. I honestly don't even remember if that's like. That's the but i felt like i said to me was like i need to kiss a sandwich or my sister will die in a plane crash so he when he makes a sandwich yes to kiss it eats at if i have a deja vu or something i have to say that i had it right then and there or i have to tell somebody otherwise i can't but like something happened and i had to get up and do that and then they all just started looking at me and i was like it's fine don't but it's like that. It's more like a little embarrassing instead. I'll touch the wall or off. Feel things things are all repeat certain sentences in my head like whatever the sentence like phrases in my head and stuff yeah yeah and he knows me and i don't know. I don't know exactly what you would call that but i know it's not something a lot of maybe it's not something everybody has to deal with ray right yeah right. I understand but it does how it got better therapy. It was gotten better because i'm taking better care of myself self to like how does that. What does that look like. I i drink less idealized drugs and i exercise more yeah yeah <hes> that's great yeah it's and and the therapy has helped to i honestly don't therapist. Is that good like. I think she's a very good person. Yes and she routes from it like i had a couple of weeks ago that it free mountains like you didn't do anything wrong like you stood up for yourself. You're fine nine. You're like so. I think he's a good but i don't think i think her approaches for her for me for her to kind of lead me down a road owed and i come to a conclusion myself. I think she's hoping it makes a bigger impact. If i discover it yeah but like she just kind of guys your first serapis yeah when you're a kid and i had one council when i saw one counselor a few times after my dad died valentine both talk about our therapist and that sounds pretty right on like therapist is either helping pigmeat discover something or dr gary penn is is just telling me. I didn't do anything wrong dr patricia bernstein no way and then yeah who cares. She does that too who cares she does that too. She's like she's like. I felt really bad a little who gives the puck who cares. It's great yeah. There's a little bit of not having to carry the weight on of the world on your shoulders all the time yes. It's a relief the people show she's like. You're a good person. You're trying hard later and i think that's what i need more than anything. Most of the time is that. I need someone to tell them question. Where my good yeah yeah my good yeah and i think she he does a really great job of reinforcement that you're going in my goodness. I'm going mike gay. Just selfish nurses this. I never had those mine. If you kind of think about it i suppose but what question could you ask yourself. That isn't narcissistic you did aren't you could say it always says i'd always is inherently narcissistic but that's why even your like supernatural beliefs like not to get too who weird about it but like i can catch myself having feeling like i might have put a hex on myself cursed my future because i thought something and i'm like i think it just stems from a fundamental illegi s with reality like what is a thought. You know what i'm saying. This sounds like very. I think i'm with you. Keep going with what's going on here. What's weird or having thought or having the thought impact reality in some way like it's all fucking weird so i'm sorta makes me scared. I don't want to say it because i don't want to jinx. It is like another yeah like i do that on so i'm just saying like being paranoid. That's actually something that my therapist says all the time he was paranoid. People are right eight and i'm like that's so fucking comforting and when i'm being paranoid we'd let's get paranoid right now that you could have an aneurysm or you can have a stroke or a plane in engine could fall on us or an earthquake could hit or whatever it is. That's all correct. This is what i'm saying. We need to find the inbetween. There's a there's a monster on the plane. Undoing undoing screws on one hand we can panic and on one hand we can ignore. It and i really think in between going like this is life boy. You're communal space. It's not black or white. It's we are in a volatile position like we're we are vulnerable. We are exposed. Life is terrible and it's gorgeous. It's always in between the two things like i'll give you hopeless if you if you also like ramda's ooh evan brenner brown says is this thing where he's he's like look. I'll give you all the starving people that are dying in this moment but you also have to remember. All the babies that are being born in this moment are all the people that are falling going in lab. It's like it's both it's in between the horror and the beauty it's kind of. I don't know how it feels like the top of the bell. Oh curve yeah. That's where you wanna be yeah. You don't like it that i mean i do and i don't think there's a lot of space to move in between those two things i yes that is good and that's also the human which is good but it is. It's scary. What else is that. I don't think it's bad yeah. Organizers think it's scary yeah and that's. I mean that's fine. It is carrie yeah i am. I do like the way you say though richard the ways like forgiving <unk> universities like the first forgiveness isn't from god ashur however you want understand god. It's ask to the universe for being how it is. There's like so it's a very buddhist idea the non-resistance since the the holding in one hand the tragic and holding on the other hand the beautiful and trying to be somewhere in between and trying to live attention of those because if you lean one way or or the other whether you're delusional yeah you can't take too much time yeah and we can visit heaven and we can visit hell but i mean like the truth. Is we live given a mix. We're in a black and white cookie. Do you call it a yin yang. Do you so if my right hand is good or is the good in my left. Hand is the band you jerk off with ya yeah yeah nice me to jerk off with your left hand. You're i drove off with your mouth in. That's in the center is the in the bell curve where the medium or whatever you feel like most of your life. You're to the right of it like you're yet to the good yeah. I feel unfortunate that that's how i am i really what do you think default setting in your nature or do you think so. It's interesting as i'm raising a baby. I'm like where did that. Come from like. Did i get a good like i've been trying for a long time to try and get like people when there was the earthquake and everyone ruin was afraid of the end of the world and i i was like christian the one that was like two weeks ago. A christians are so ahead of you guys when it comes to like panicking about the end of the world like where did do you think they are like. It's not like i saw a lot of also. What do you mean by a head. I mean i saw a lot of people panicking and being like my whole life. I've i've had like a protocol in my brain for the end of the world. Oh i was not new to me to go like we were like. It's the second coming and you're like i. I was like i know paddock but like don't shoot to attend. Wait until you see the flaming horseman one. You're just going to here like an awesome. God's awesome voice them. Yeah that'll be the end of it and then also when it came to like people asking for consent i was like hopefully not all christians obviously everybody every group has every type of people in them but like like we didn't just ask for consent would ask for a hand mirror and you know what i mean like. We would ask for consent to like touch. Someone's hand while swing dancing like we were very hyper sensitive to that so you were yeah yeah <hes> so there were good yeah. There's good and sort of <hes> served served in a lot of ways but i what what is your answer to your mushroom question. You get you lean to the right. I think i'm good. I think i'm good at i think i'm a good person. I don't know if i'm leaning to the right in my life and the rest of the way like i think <hes> you who you are yeah like. I'm where i'm at and what i want to be in a happy place in a happy life. Yeah i think i'm set just to the right just just one notch over really third album that millimeter on the ruler evans. I'm at six point one yeah but you seem like such a humble guy in such a grounded person. I almost don't believe you if you think you're one centimeter the right i bet you're like nine feet to the right and if i as happiness not as good like i do think i'm good <hes> yeah. I guess being happy like i think i am but but just barely yeah a lot of time and i feel like i'm trying to figure out how did i have some things that i have have worked to to get and be in fine reasons to be good and happy in my life and worked hard to find them. I'm figuring how to enjoy the more now and like kind of share them. You know like like i'm pretty goal orientated stomach. This will make me happy when this when this is achieved and done yeah and it does for a little bit but there's no fix yeah yeah. I'm forty and i was just watching my youtube. Just figured out that i like watching little short movies a little short youtube. 's i'm like my mother about <hes> filmmakers in their processes and quentin tarantino is talking about how like it is the process of making the movie and for some reason it finally clicked elect to me that i was like joy isn't just making thing it's enjoying it. I know we've heard this a million but i it's not it's the senate the way he sat at because i've been on a satin and long days and stuff and i did enjoy doing crashing but it took practice to make the reward award the work itself and now i'm grasping that a little bit better whereas good whatever's next will be the thing that i can make a pleasure not that it won't be hard work but find bliss in the doing of the thing yeah i have that i still have that i enjoy a lot of the whatever whatever whether whether it be like a relationship like thing with my brother i was telling you about when he called like that was we're not anywhere near where we need to be like but like kit that that call in that moment talking for ten minutes so we'd candidly was like it was really i really enjoyed peyote uh-huh something a little harder problem but it was. It was one of those things it was crazy. I mean because he never would have had if you could add like he's never even called me on my birthday <hes> you you know like it's also because he doesn't remember not being mean but or he's being w meaning and not remembering no. He's thoughtless thoughtless but like so for him to think in an yeah and also like is one of the things like now. How do i get to encourage help. Encourage that behavior or that like keep letting him know that i do. You want to hear those things you don't like without. I think that's because like it's going to be a fine line pushing it with him well not. I can't be like hey man. I love you. How are you don't like get like he'll be. He'll be like what are you gay like. It's so it's going to be a little bit here a little bit am <hes> but in it against you wanna you wanna call your brother. Call you all your mother pete no way no way. I'll just text motivational quotes to my dad. No he takes us to me how i think that's so cool that he called the. I know how that feels yeah. It meant a lot it. It really did and you're you're not as old as i am but we're similar in my well my whole life. I never thought i'd be close with my brother. It's not because we didn't get along but now that we're we're like closer and closer both parents. He's not he's not a parent but <hes> looking back on my parents and sort of deciphering them together. There is really that's cool meaningful. Yeah yeah that is that's really cool. Actually you're going to get somebody to do that with yeah. I hate to be so practical about it but added that is for better or worse how i work. I'm like he is beneficial to me because we can talk about but that's good that you can have that. You know what you're going to get from yeah. What do you think happens when you die. Nothing laid out yeah. I don't <hes> yeah. I don't know i mean there's there's moments where i'm so scared that i think there has to be something bigger in like but anytime i've had i'd like an ominous feeling of or a bigger thing in the in the universe or whatever it's usually usually come from a place of fear and when i look back like i'm scared so i don't just like a remedy to a bad feeling. Yes yeah yeah so. I guess that's good in some ways but i don't know. I don't think so you think it's wishful thinking i i'm not no. I'm not judging or any kind of no and no judgement on anyone. It's like and i'm not the way i say this is like i don't believe in god but i know he doesn't believe in me. Ask your funny. I just don't and i kind kinda. Don't care yeah. I kinda like don't i want there to be good and i want there to be reasons for things but i just don't think there is <hes> yeah so this is at lights out yeah probably yeah. It'd be cool if i was wrong and found something something you know it's not. It's not bad if i'm right either. It's still pretty good while you're you've done mushrooms. I've already talked about mushrooms in your stand up said he'd never had like a feeling of one sir anything anything no no <hes>. I have some now like my drug. Stuff has been pretty like okay. This was cool but they didn't have like a huge moment the yeah the world didn't say that to me because i'm such an advocate of like well if you want to spiritual experience seca psychedelic under certain certain <hes> circumstances and stuff they're like i said what you talked about and then all i saw was like a sunflower but there was like a human ass in the middle and i don't aww that i am always like i don't know if it's what you see or it's that you see that you're seeing with a mechanism like you. You identify the mechanism and through which you're seeing that's to me what's psychedelics are valuable for so regardless of what you see you could see sunflower ass or jack lemmon notes but you see is that what you're seeing with is a manipulable construct. That's what always felt valuable to me that i'm a little confused. You're seeing with something right right now. It's what you call normal okay. Every day and nat is what psychedelics do is. They go like no. What is as i always say. What's what's looking at your is. The phenomenon of being that is coming out of your eyes and being created by your brain is not fucking boring. No no it's like fucking incredible and to help you identify here. I'm gonna smear everything so when it when it comes to irregularity clarity is shit. Stop taking it for granted. Yes so i'm gonna show you. Sunflower acid doesn't exist so when you when you come back you'll view everything everything that does quote unquote exist more precious -ly. Yes you know what i'm saying. Yes i do and i think that's you know venture said about much of use zoom up from the maze like you're a rat in a maze and just for a minute you're above it but i would say the maze is consciousness itself it like it shows you that you are conscious by warping or ping your consciousness because before your consciousness warped you don't even really set to like. It's like highway hypnosis or something. You just said this. Is it yeah that's what every great mystic because saying like this is the this is the phenomenon. It's already here so the thing and please don't feel disrespected your beliefs but what i hear is consciousness talking about not believing in a symbol for itself. You know what i'm saying conscious. Not i'm getting too deep into my own when you say i don't believe in god i see a piece of everything that ever is and could be saying. I don't believe in a thing called god god which is totally valid by the way that's just a symbol system but your at like. I'm talking to it right now. I'm talking to the phenomenon of being and i'm this. This phenomenon of being is telling me how it thinks of itself. Yes and it thinks of itself differently than maybe i would describe myself but it's the same fucking shit dude. Let's see some karate kicks. Do you wanna kick some boards. Katie brat boards. Did you bring board today. I guess what i'm saying. Is your valid your beautiful oh. I don't think there's <hes> i see what you were talking about. The mushrooms thinking about my example was <hes> we were in this would cabin and i could see the grading on the would like changing and moving and now whenever i see walk like take a look at it i realized how intricate it with leaves and i it so it does does make you think yeah like it's like if you could see behind. You're like it's just what is the opposite of what i was looking at this. This is kind of what it does for me. That's really cool yeah. I like that. It's kind of like psychedelics put drops of ink in the water like we're fish puts drops in the water. It helps you identify that you're in water like you're just a fish in water and you don't know you're in water and then it colors and you go like oh. We're floating in water. I never walk around thinking. I'm in the earth like i'm in the yeah yeah yeah but that's actually a pretty common phenomenon. Is you experience the air like you see the air you you feel the air you feel one with the air and the earth and that's and that's like a fish going. Oh i'm suspended in something. Yes we call it water but officials calls it technicians or yeah. That's a president can cool dude. That's just i know you gotta go. Yes the hardest time you've laughed is is probably somebody was doing something mean. I i always i don't adam. Pally is what we're the kid tripped. I know it's mean but there is some e- add some very nerdy guy tripped and i don't even remember this is basically just like and everyone. He laughed so hard so i understand that it's not always great that it's the woman that was stomping grapes and then fell out and went off but i'll take it. What do you got. I always always laugh when someone gets something knocked out of their hand by someone on never like if you were holding a book right now and i hit it out of your hey what's up bitch inch like so basic. I know i stop laughing. I love it. It's it's kind of funny to be mean to people you know. I love you like otherwise. What's the point like. I was on the road with the fantasy. Everything guys like yesterday this this morning. I left philly and we were riding in all we were doing. We're seeing the meanest shit. We could think of to one another wow and couldn't stop laughing because they say to you. Oh my i will never repeat. It absolutely know how hard were they. Go as hard as you know as hard as i was going like gross stuff mostly like you know it's almost like the way this and you know like every gross thing you can think of excessive swearing for fun yeah in. I'll just always funny to be mean into people. You know who love you that much. Yeah your fun. <hes> thank you and you're so funny and i can't wait to see what's next for you man. I hope this next special meets your own standards because if it's gonna love it i appreciate the new record. The name of the record is i just typed your name into spotify so forgive me. I don't establish nineteen eighty-one established nineteen eighty-one. That's great idol well. Thanks man that really think we're having this school horse. I know it's kinda hot in here so it's been sleepy summer series look at the three of us. We're like we're lounging on. This fucking. Couch isn't a very i love me. Uh-huh yeah seated appreciation for this to deal with it so all right. Let's get outta here. Would you keep hiba crispy. Yeah no one's ever whispered it ever good trivia. Thank you very much keep. What's the faith chris. I'm so crisp.