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From Whatever to Best Sex Ever with Courtenay Hameister

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I want to also be very clear that I think that films and books have tricked us into believing that you will have an epiphany in your life change. And what people need to know is that change is frustratingly unbelievably -CREMENTO. Thanks for listening to sex with emily. I'm Doctor Emily on today's show. I'm joined by author Courtney Ham. I start to talk about her new book. Okay fine whatever and how getting over your fears in an art of the bedroom can make for profusely leadbetter life all round plus I mansion your sex and relationship questions topics include how someone who has an anxiety disorder went from being afraid of everything to going to sex parties dating over a hundred people and even went to a professional cutler whites. Okay not to know what you like sexually as long as you start taking steps to get there what to do when there's a possible four-way in your future and whether or not online interactive porn is actually sheeting all this and more. Thanks for listening. 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Let's all start out by setting an intention for the show and I'm doing it and I encourage you to do the same so what I mean is like when you're listening right now you can even stop this after I tell you what it's all about and think about it. What do you want to get out of listening to this episode? And how might help you. It could be like I've so much anxiety. Emily how can I not not let it ruin my life or I've been dealing with a lot of internal struggles and would love to hear how others got. Pass it on their own so mind tangents for the show is show you that despite despite whatever scares you were every right in your relationship or your sex life you can always improve and I also love that Courtney gets into how how you know. It's okay to know what you don't like the more you figure out what you don't like you can actually get to what you do like so enjoy the show. I I have to introduce by gas to just came in and she's fondling the Lube and the vibrators as guests do yes. Tony Hamster her book okay. Fine whatever the year era I went from being afraid of everything to only being afraid of most things. Congratulations on your book. We loved it. And if you WANNA find it or your links and everything is in our is on our show notes. It's sex with emily. Dot Com just click on the link that says show not super easy according to the show. Thank you for thank. Thanks for having okay so you you say that you are a professional nervous person. Yes yeah an odd way to an odd way to sell yourself I think but okay. Your book is all about really how you're like like I've been anxious. You actually diagnosing the great when you finally get diagnosis or like. Oh I having society. That's why life has been hard exactly or that's why for me. It was like it's it's sort of explained my pessimistic outlook like I thought for the years. I just thought Oh. I'm such a Debbie Downer and I'm such an e or and then I when I got a diagnosis of generalized anxiety any disorder. It was like Oh. This is my pathology. It's not me you know. Absolutely my pathology has created these neural pathways in my brain. That's everything's GonNa suck doc but I didn't do that myself and so it also made me think we'll maybe that can change because it's not it's not inherent in my DNA. Necessarily I guess if it's a third in this thing is it because I love when I saw you first were introduced to you. You have your video by your book your little a great or like there was six years old or a ARS eight years old on diving board which I could so relate to that and your to jump in the water and you get you get scared and all the kids yelling. It's so well done. All the kids are yelling coming in. You're like well. This is the moment where I decide. Do not job. I don't I don't take risks. I'm going to have a seat here. I'm not jumping off the high. So do you actually think that was the first moment that you remember it. Peter you don't do you think it was because of that moment like I think enforced that. I think that I absolutely knew it at that moment. Like I was like. Oh I'm a scaredy cat you know but I'm not sure if there was some moment prior to that but but certainly looking back. It's my first memory of just like having the knowledge and doing something that was so clear in terms of what my what I felt like Mice descriptive because I think we can all just kind of picture like moments or at least I having so much therapy be like. Oh it's because of my parents all these things but that's the moment I want you remember. Your book is so great because you have this moment and you're like I'm going to just try everything that scares the shit out of me. Yes which is so brave and the things that you do like what happened. How did you decide to go on this journey? Well it was because I lost something extraordinary and I think you know based on what your job is. You can relate to this but I I had hosted a radio variety show in Portland Oregon and and And it was really I mean. I think it was the coolest job in Portland at the time I was you know it was It was on like NPR affiliates and syndicated. And I got to speak to Carrie Brownstein and Gus van Zandt and Mike Rabiya Wrigley A- An- and comics that I so admired and writers and and David Rockoff who's one of my all time favorite writers. I got to interview. And and so my Blair. Yeah it's is called live. Well you know I think it's a pop. Yes yeah of course and so. I did that for a while and I did that for nine years and every week we had a show I was also the head writer and and I would and what I called my dread ball would arrive on Monday morning and it would be about golf ball sized and then by show day it was. I was in a hamster hamster ball of anxiety just walking around and what anxiety does to you is. It does create. It's like looking at the world through through a piece of glass. A very thick piece of glass and everything thing feels muted or like they're static right and so you can imagine. Think about doing your job that you're doing right now and when you have anxiety it's difficult tickled to actually take people in you know because there's all this static in the way and so you've got a really listen to people in order to have a good conversation with them. Did you feel though when you were doing this because you are great at it. So even though it Provi- when you were in the moment we were able to listen. Sometimes you felt not much not sometimes not as much I. Sometimes I would really stick to my my list of questions and and so it didn't make me as great. My job is I could have been absolute right okay But they lose a job so then the job and I had and I. I just had a massive today panic attack tonight to step down and once that happened I had a moment where I realized what I'd lost. And and and as an anxious or neurotic person and as a person whose self esteem is periodically in the gutter. You know being in front of four hundred people every couple Louis weeks. Oh my God applauding. You is a great way. I feel like no one's like I. I know people are listening but I don't often I don't see them mytalk them and I want to. I'M GONNA I'm GonNa come see you all this month onto her but that's scary. Oh yes I mean. I don't know they say there's listeners. Don't see him yeah. They always say like picture everybody naked but like people in Portland. Where a lot of fleece and it's impossible there's so many layers and it's just like I can't? I have no idea if one one person with my eyes it would take twenty minutes and it's distracting. It's like how big is has been a say And so I and so I had lost this thing and it. It was the thing that made me a writer and it was the thing that made me all these friends and so I thought is there a way that I can teach my brain in small ways that everything's GonNa be okay. Okay so I didn't jump out of planes night I was jumping back into the dating pool as well and so I I also dating stuff so I I went to a sensory deprivation Asian tank. Because I'm afraid of the dark and and I went to a professional cutler because I'm afraid of talking to strangers so that's what I love you talk about like you were looking to date and then you post it on facebook says like I. Hey if you guys know anybody and all the APPs that is so brave so which part of it was I tell me about one of the I love because each chapter breaks down one of the things that you raise went through. Yeah I mean I think that the the cutler was eh I mean when it's it's so interesting when I like I was recently on a podcast with someone who just kind of doesn't like to be touched and she just said I had to stop reading the chapter after it was so disturbing and getting she was getting an anxiety attack from reading it and and for me. I actually adore being touched. And part of the reason that I went to the Cutler Sadler was that I thought. Am I too needy like I. I was missing touch for a very long time like I. I've been heavy my whole life and and I had the On believably fucked up Idea that that made me unlovable and that no one would wanna touch me because of that and so I really steer steer clear of relationships for a long time And so when I did get into one I mean I was. I was a gigantic fan of sacks. Right I mean I I continue to be right. I know you also lost your virginity late. Oh Yeah thirty four thirty for your gold and I'm not Mormon right I think ninety and no one it says you like. Hey Courtney Maybe this is anxiety. Do you have anything I you know what's really interesting is just just this like the language around anxiety and mental illness in this country. I think is really it's inefficient. It's inaccurate right so for a long everyone. Just I was neurotic. Roddick I was the neurotic friend you know and I was absolutely like when I was with that first boyfriend mine. eroticism really bugged him. I would be really interested to see if had I been undiagnosed if he would have felt differently about that right. You know that I wasn't just like annoyingly neurotic but there's also this issue of of saying that I oh I'm anxious about us or I'm depressed. Rate there is there is situational depression and there is clinical depression and they are very different things and so. So that's that's what's difficult about the language of it right It was really interesting. No one ever really did say hey. Have you thought about going to it. There is because it was in some ways it was just like. Oh that's kind of your your personality. Courtney she's just she's just neurotic and she thinks nervous and and you hide it. Well you are you talking about. You know I've listened to your podcast and I would never have imagined that you're an anxious person. People who have anxiety hide it really well. It's part of the way that we live in the world and and it's all but it's also part of the reason that I think We just need to talk about anxiety more because if if everyone was honest about it then it wouldn't have the stigma that currently. Yeah Yeah I think you're right. I'm talking to Courtney how Meister I said that. Yeah okay fine. Whatever the year went from being afraid of everything to only being afraid of most close things? I love the way you right. I think it's it's it's just a great you're hilarious. I mean everyone thinks you're hilarious. I love you become from Sheryl Straight and Chelsea Clinton on your tossed Clinton that every dollar I say Chelsea Clinton. They don't know why they're so similar. Exactly 'cause I grew up with the Clintons and I don't know why that's dominant Chelsea which is dominant Chelsea handler like obsess anyway happens my mouth. I devoured orderbook. I interviewed her on her last tour and I was. I always thought that she was talented and funny but she was never one of the people that I followed significantly because to be honest I thought she was a little mean and she doesn't like fat people you know has never really liked fat people which is problematic for me And and eventually wrote this unbelievable book we're talking about evolving Aso's significantly and that book is so beautifully written and so twenty and so poignant I can't I mean I was crying in the car it's an it's I gotta say I hugely admire what she's doing absolutely so it's so it's insane to me that she can be so vulnerable right now after because she was so she was the opposite of rice she was so sore and yes exactly. No it's amazing to watch I UH-HUH GRANDMA. Oh yeah now. We can all kind of relate more when you're honest about what is going on with you with your struggles because I feel like is that Kinda. What motivated you to write this book as well so people kind of can learn you know feel like I? This is okay. That's how you deal with the help you all these things do you feel now you are what is it. You're a little less. Yeah Frayed I mean yeah I and I absolutely learned things throughout the year and and I think that one of the one of the big lessons that I learned throughout the year was that you know. I think that they're all of these books out there. That are you know that are just sort of all about like you know. Just go for it lady. You know you go girl or boy here with other fuck you are like just an and it makes people like me feel like I will never do that because I I will never be enthusiastic about anything right. It's it's just not my way that I'm Wired right and so but what's amazing is I did. I went to you know. Build your own breed under the sex club of and build your own Burrito night where they did not have all the fixings. No they didn't have tortillas. which is? I'm sorry it's the anchor right of of a of a burrito beyond beyond that you're having beans and rice but I love sex party but like the we're talking about the BURRITO. I was very upset. I know you're right and Jamie's obsessed with. She's never have INTERSEX party. All she wants to know is what kind of food they serve. I went to one a few weeks ago. There was no sex or food like she was just telling me what kind of food you had. There was like chocolate fuel. There's got to be going. I feel that's what I felt like. I don't know but not too much students right because then it's like you have to worry about what position Sner Burrito Mexican for is weird for a sex party. Oh Yeah so okay. So how'd you feel already. This is what I want to know. Is that now in doing this. And you're right not it's not one guy started. The show saying like people are social anxiety. I promise you that when you're out I'm just saying hi to people. It is a muscle that we don't often use like. Do you feel like you are a little bit better now dealing some situations that were harder for you before this absolutely like I n n goes away. It never goes away and I want to also be very clear that I think that film and films and books have tricked. tricked us into believing that you will have an epiphany and your life will change and what people need to know is that change is frustratingly unbelievably incremental mental. And so what happened to me. Was I spent this year doing these things that were completely outside of my comfort zone And what it did for me was to change change one word and that one word was interesting so if someone were to say hey. Let's do this thing that I'd never done before I would say well that sounds terrifying or absolutely not ought and now I say well that sounds interesting and that small change is unbelievably significant and the thing is when when people talk about changing your life to you know what if you have one more interesting our in a year your life has changed at lutely I loved it yeah yeah true yeah so it's just like I think that people's expectations of around how peep about around how their life is going to change but also I think that what I was talking about before was that You can still do all of these things and have an interesting life and having an have a rich life and do do shit that changes you without being an enthusiastic person. Yeah like hey I mean that's part of the lesson was Oh fuck enthusiasm because I I didn't have it and I still had the most interesting year of my life really. Did you actually set out. And you're so it's still that's why it's called okay. Fine whatever because that's what we say that's what we your your say when we're being dragged to like get our prize. Yeah like it doesn't look it doesn't matter how amazing the thing is we're like. Oh I guess I'll get it you know. That's because the the messages were saying is that it's going to be hard or terrifying or whatever is like yeah like wiring. Yes because your brain is what pretending you from things that could happen. Or you're feeling fear or well. And so. There's there's an amazing group in Portland. Oregon called create more fearless in. Its in it were they. They work with anxious. Kids With writing and exercises sizes to help them change the way that they feel about their anxiety and manage it and one of the one of the messages to those kids and I want everyone to know this is that there are gifts that readings -iety gives you and one of them is a fucking amazing imagination because we imagine the worst possible scenario every time when we go into a situation always right people are not gonna like any rejected. It's going to be horrible right and almost all the time that that doesn't happen right and so we're sort of pleasantly surprised but what I would say to people. Is You know the goal should be to have no expectations not to have positive expert. Just don't have any. Yeah absolutely. Yeah and it's fine. I think it's so much of anxiety is like I don't want to be surprised. I just don't WanNa be surprised by control thing. I can control my environment. I think that's absolutely. I guess you learn that through life but how do we I love it. They're not talking to two young kids. 'cause you're saying we don't talk about a lot and I feel like now now we're hearing more and more young kids are having Zaidi just like in the last few years because it's social media or whatever but then their parents have it so there is more interest there is more of like attention attention to it but that's such a true. We beat ourselves in if you're anxious I had. Add like. I remember reading a book when I was like twenty eight and it was driven to distraction the guy while I was reading it and I was like seventy six questions that you take if you read it executives sort of like an umbrella with. Add and people say oh it's not really it's add doesn't exist. I don't fucking care whatever you call it. It's all part of the same thing and I read that and I checked the boxes. It was like that was like overwhelmingly. I was like Oh this has a name for it that I'm I just felt like I was constantly trying to control my brain to focus focus focus in it was like oh it felt so such a relief but but to feel that there was like someone who understood are there was a name for it just gives you sort of some some freedom and then you could start to kind of find coping mechanisms but it's such such a negative thing. Maybe they look at the gifts of it is so important. What are the things? That you're anxiety has served you courtney. Well that's the thing. I mean the reason that anxiety exists. Yes I think you know sort of genetically or You know from back in The olden times when people didn't wear clothes and we're hairier It was essentially anxiety. Kept US alive like the people who survived back then were the anxious ones. The ones who liked didn't recognize that a sabertooth tiger might died examined. You have to be scanning the environment for things happening. Yeah like the bore coming onto like eat your you WanNa kill it or whatever it protect our family. It's tapped of its league living in the fighter flight. Yeah and I think that Honestly I mean in some ways it's made me Ah I guess a little bit more discerning as well like it's you know like I definitely You know I I look at situations and and that can be a positive the negative thing right because I do feel like it's made me more judgmental. Okay and and you know and letting go of some of that judgment. I think helps you a lot to in sort of like you. You know I've been doing mindfulness work and you know and so much of that is going to ask what has been the most helpful for you in managing already Mindfulness it's been a a lot of different things. There's a book by Barry McDonnell dare. That was very helpful for me okay. It's essentially you dare is an acronym and you know It's about sort of. If he changed his own relationship with anxiety by you know dis for diffuse and he just sort of you know he would have a panic attack and you'd be like Oh my God what if I die and his his response to that was so what you know. I don't have to Cook Dinner. 'cause it's always just such a struggle to figure out what to me exit you know while gas us. Oh No it's so true it's like why love what you're saying about that change takes times. I think that we we so want instant results. And then we're told we're going to get it if we sign up where we meditate taking me like so many years of meditating till I finally like have moments where I'm more consistent than not that I feel the change or just anything in life when we're in the process of change change. We wanted to be done and then you look back. You're like Oh look back at this year while these things did and it was probably it was your most interesting year. Oh yeah absolutely one hundred percent the most interesting interesting year of my life Yeah and I think that you're you're talking about meditating in how it's you know. It can be frustrating. Because you feel like you're not doing it right and that's another thing too that I think English exists. People just need to remember. Is You beating yourself up or fighting. Your anxiety is making you more anxious. If you could just let go of that you're gonNA take away. A layer layer of that anxieties trail. Yeah Yeah it's the same like I saw this It was Oh God Matt Stone and Trey Parker I saw them on Charlie rose and they were talking about how they would beat themselves up for how how they would always wait till the last minute to do the show and they just felt like garbage about it and they tried to get it John earlier they never did and when they finally just said this is how we work. It took away about like fifty percents of their anx- anxiety Zayed around that work because that was fifty percent of it was them just being like. Why are we so sucky? Yeah you know. I can't so relate to that party all the time. The people are always reminding me going well to accept yourself acceptors off so that's pot grow up immature and you do work on yourself is when you finally realize I have to accept all of this. It's it's all the things that I am. It's it's so hard and I think it's particularly hard for women you know fight. Yeah Day a quick break when we come back. We're GONNA get in to your email no questions so let's my show for total five minutes. Maybe before you hear something about the womanizer. All their products are amazing leasing so I always share about them but just when you think they might be at the end of their innovation rope Dr Not because they shocked me again with the new womanizer. Do Hello Okay. 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Today. If you've heard me say once you've heard me say a million times. Communication is a lubrication more more. We talk about sex the better it gets but listen before you can tell your partner would actually feels good to you. You need to figure that out with a little self exploration. Because I promise you've got places in parts you haven't explored yet enter Zoom Yo. The one toy that was designed specifically for exploration instead of using a wide vibrating surface has a fine tip that rotates in tiny circles. Mimicking the natural motion of a fingertip. And so what this does is it. Lets you pinpoint one very small area. At a time without overpowering vibrations that stimulate everything at. What's the result you can discover so many new sensations and take control of your pleasure zoom? Ao is eight speeds and it's pressure or sensitive pushed the tip down gently for light simulation or firmly for deeper intensity and because it doesn't vibrate nothing gets over stimulated including the hand or holding with O. M. B. W. W. Zoom Yo is an amazing on for intercourse. It small tip and organic handle means that you can reach down and use it exactly where and when you need it most. I'm telling you just go take take a look at it and you'll see why I'm so excited about Zoom Yo. You can see it at sex with emily dot com slash zoom you that sex with family DOT COM SLASH Z. U M I O.. ZOOM SUMIO IS EXPLORATION WITH ROTATION NOT VIBRATION ARC guys. I love answering your questions. This is why I on the planet. If you want to question answer on the show go to sexual dot com. Click the esque. Emily Tab belt the short form we got you or just email L. feedback at sex with emily dot com but always include your name your age and how you listen to the show. Okay thanks okay. Jamie Wanna read the emails but of course the first one comes to us from Michael who is forty two in Michigan dear. Dr Emily I've been married for fifteen years great sex life. My wife and I have been talking about a four way. I I like when she tells me about her past sex life and when I think of her with another man it really turns me on but we were role playing a few days ago and she was showing me what she would do to another guy and it was hot right but in the middle of it I started to get very jealous. My question is should we go ahead and try the four-way or maybe some small steps before we go all out. Thanks love your show all right right Michael. This is great because listen. I do believe that couples should not just jump into bring in other partners until the relationship whether it's a threesome or are a foursome. So I mean you did what I often tell people to do is before you to do it. Role play it first. And what makes you feel so now that you did that. I think it's important to go back to her and say you know 'cause you guys sound like you wonderful communication and say you know what this is. What made me jealous and I mean we didn't get into here here but maybe there was something a point? She said she had a crazy orgasm. Or maybe she said she was sucking his penis or doing something that triggered. You did all make you jealous. Was it just the fact that there was another man there or was it something in particular because if you really break it down you know you might figure out. Well I don't want any kissing or I don't want to know who this person is. Maybe she used a friend's name so I think kind of drilling down what it was could help you guys if you're having health you know healthy communication and figure out what you actually like. Now if it doesn't work for you and you're like you know what I'm Lee went through it and we talk through it again because I wooded I would insist that you will play it again now after you kind of figure out what things triggered you and then it works but it still doesn't work that is totally okay. Taper couples. It's okay for for not to work for you and it's okay to figure out other things that you might do. You know that that spice it up so I think that you know roleplaying it. Talking it through going slow letting it sit with you and then seeing we go from there is a totally acceptable way to go and this is nothing I wanted to say to. Michael is what I love about about you and your wife is that you're really handling this well and you do excellent communication. And so I believe that if the foursome doesn't work out that the two of you can definitely find some other ways to keep. This is hot I love the idea before. Some will have no one's got a job right. No one gets left out sack. Everyone's genitals are getting touched at some point. Exactly you look for a great number you go from one vagina. Wash it off a little bit. Go Alex Wong exactly penis. Whatever things wipes around? Yeah I and fresh e wipes we love those for sex next comes to us from IDA. Who's twenty eight and Finland? Hello Dr Emily. My husband and I have sex every morning. The problem though is he never wants the change positions. We always run the dog style Is Okay done. I WANNA do other positions. How can I get get him to want to try something else? It's a great question IDA. I don't blame you. So here's what happens. You guys are in a routine. We've heard of these sex routines they become a sex rut and so what it means is. He's probably just. He's trained his body. That when he when you guys earn doggystyle. That's when you can jack late and a lot of men will say that's true. I can only come in this position while it's training guarantee you. If you guys kind of you know try other positions and you build up again. He'll be able to comment other positions so my best advice for you. You as is for anybody who wants to try something. New in the bedroom is talk about outside the bedroom. And just say you know I would thinking about. I love that we have such hot Sax Saxon that we have sex every morning. It's like makes waking up so great and if you use the compliment sandwich approach where you start out saying this is what I love about it and then say I really would love to switch positions for example and then tell him the positions that you would like to try maybe just want missionary. Maybe WANNA use your toy. Maybe maybe you want to be on top and then you can explain it to him so I think that that right now he never wants to change positions because he probably just as like this is going to work so I I think if you kind of talk and then he kind of knows what's going to happen he'll say okay so now is when you're GonNa get on top and so I know that you know this will definitely make you feel better and you can and also let him know the reason why you wanNA switch. Positions is because you have more pleasure. Another positions varieties. Really hot for you. You like being on top because you you know you can look down on him. You can control the depth. You can know that you can have an orgasm so I think actually leading our partners know why we also Wanna mix things up can totally make a difference. Get them on board talk about it outside. Give picture of what's going to happen. Because if she just says I wanted to try new positions. Why don't you ever want to try positions put? Put Him on the defensive exactly and I mean no one it especially doggystyle to always do that it just feels. I love it but to do that. Every time would feel so disconnecting for me. Exactly yes. That's the thing about doggystyle very disconnecting for some. It can feel amazing. But you're not making eye contact if feels like it's disassociating and and for some people that just feels can't feel degrading and it's a slice through the first thing. I don't think that but people can feel like. Oh Emma Myra now oh yeah there is you can always turn around. I guess am I freak. Amount could look in their eyes trained on how good your neck flexibility is but I think any position gets will feel that way like why are we only doing it. One way board like any position could feel like is all we have is so we got. Do you think that happens happens to people that just really like routines sometimes absolutely have been with those people. Because I'm not a huge routine person. It's like takes a lot but I when people who are very routine oriented did when it comes to sex and that is a recipe for boredom. Boring sex you know variety is the spice of your sex life. And it's your job on the planet to figure out what that's going to be it's going to keep keep your sex life interesting in hot and a lot of that starts with your own exploration masturbation. What do you actually like doing research which together or on your own? What else south? There are some who might be thinking. I don't know what other positions there are so check it out. Check out. Oh you know. We've got lots of great stuff on our website them calm. We've got great blogs about how to actually like try different positions like different positions with a twist like missionary with twist list. Put your legs over their shoulders or spooning Sachs's also great for the morning yes I love. spooning me to dock steals a lot in the morning they always talk to me is not a morning sex thing. Unless you're like still. Yeah I mean it'd be even be one of those ones where your face is just down on the pillow still and you're like averages passages out enemy that's a good variation of that one still sleeping with my so you're gonna Email Ema Ida lifestyle. Goes we appreciate you all right. This lawson comes from Joe who's fifty six in Pennsylvania. Hi Dr Emily. My question is this. My wife found my webcam account on my phone. I have been playing on this site for some time now and have developed some good slash fun friendships with both genders. I do have a few primary friendships online and admittedly they are more than I intended attended. She views my online activities infidelity whereas I view it as interactive porn. I'm not interested in ending my marriage but I want to keep my online friends to were in therapy for this together and separately any thoughts additionally she wants. She only wants me to masturbate to porno in bed next to her. I haven't done it yet. But it's maybe a way to rebuild. Some trust she's been and very patient and open about these conversations but the camping is a hard. No I miss it as I've respected her wishes to stay off of it also. She doesn't believe me that other husbands straight porn with some frequency to is it normal to masturbate daily Lee. She's having anxiety over my alone. Time is not permitting me to have any she worries. You can't keep up with my sex drive. I told her she doesn't have to. But I'm I'm not sure what to do at this point okay. There's a lot here to impact Joe. Okay first off the thing is i. Everyone gets gets to decide what actually constitutes infidelity. Now some people would say you know cam girl. Interaction or watching porn is infidelity now. I think that if you're having you know you're having interactions emotional connections with people even if you're not meeting them in person I can see why your wife made say you know what that doesn't feel great to me and I would also say this might be a sign that maybe there's some intimacy that's lacking in your relationship with your wife and that maybe there could be some more talking about it. How you guys can sort of enhance your sex life and so I feel like the fact that also that you're you're keeping secret and you were hiding it from her is also she feels like it's cheating and she found all the messages and all the stuff where I have a problem with? This is her restricting your behavior and not letting you be alone and saying you know you you can only masturbate with me in bed and so I feel like that well I I like that. You're both in therapy. I think that's amazing and I also think it would be great to. Hopefully your therapists can guide you and also with this because not all therapists are actually trained of how to navigate couples to have healthier sex that maybe they can help you figure out. What does your wife into what what does she need sexually? What turns her on? And then you guys can figure out together. You know what you both like because it is normal to masturbate daily. It is very common. A lot of married men masturbate everyday to porn and so do women so it could just be. She's okay with porn but maybe she's not okay with the extracurricular curricular relationships and the the messaging men and women and also. That's a lot of time I would think so. So it's just like maybe she would like more of that kind back towards her. She wants intimacy with you. She wants connection she wants. Talk is is what I'm hearing from your email and so I think that if you could kind of figure out how to give that to her and so so you guys feel more connected you might find that you don't have as much of a need for as much interaction on line. And so I I like the again I like that. You're being Honest with her but I would say that also like she s kind of loose in an opposite that you are still free to actually masturbate. Have time alone So I I think this is something great to bring into therapy and also you know I love the idea of looking at our. Yes no maybe list at sex DOT COM which is like a list of a lot of different things you guys could could try and bed and you could figure out what works for both of you but sounds like therapies also gonNA help you guys get there a little bit but but but figure out what you both like and I think that the restrictions are heavy but I would love you guys to both come together and figure out what works for you guys. Yeah it seems like she's trying to do In over correction of what she found. So she's like you went so far but so now she's like taking it away. But that's like a bonding thing you do with yourself at least the regular sorry. Emily just put her gum on the Cup chewing gum. I love it anyways. We're all there. I find gum in very random. Places aces notes. I'm sorry about that. It's Okay Oh my God. I also lipstick kisses the kiss the papers. blotting my lips. I like I like to think that you do it for me. I do. I send your kisses every day. Actually Valentine's Day kisses coming up by by the way we've got Valentine's Day shows guys. Well you can check out all right. Thanks for your emails. Thanks everyone for listening to this. Show business with emily find me on Sirius. XM Radio I'm am on their Monday. Through Friday from five to seven Pacific Channel Stars went. Oh nine and you guys can call in even if you don't have serious triple eight nine four seven eight two seven seven or free thirty day trial sex with DOT COM SLASH S. Xm And please raiders reviews wherever you listen right now look down at your phone if you're on an APP You can give us five stars. We love that comment and I tunes and if you want to know more about certain topics you want us to cover them or you've any questions feedback sex with EMILY DOT COM. Thanks to my awesome team. Can Kristen Lisa Brian Producer. Jamie and Michael was a good for you. Email me feedback sex with emily DOT COM. I WanNa tell you about one of the oldest and most trusting relationships in my life. It's probably the only one that's like. Never really let me down. I'm talking of course about the Magic Wand I mean the magic wand was a big part of my life even before I started the show. 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