Tone meant for me. Episode Nine Hey magical misfits. It's Cayden IV and welcome to atonement for me. So. Let's hop into. Some pretty dark content because I'm in my nice tearful. Fun glittery outfit. So it totally matches my subject of self harm as usual. And it's. One of those things that that has kind of ints honest with my brand since. I. debuted it to the world and I've been talking a lot about my struggles with self harm over the years. On multiple different platforms and to a lot of people individually and I guess it's time we explored that a little bit more. Self Harm. Is. Such. A strange thing to admit to to yourself and to. Other people. Because it doesn't. necessarily. Make Sense. You're hurting yourself on purpose. That's something that. We all try to avoid at all costs. So it seems like it's going against our better nature. To wife. To do that. And it's something that took. New Year's to recognize. As a part of my life. Because when we think of self. Harm. We're often talking about. In the context of suicide or Cutting yourself really hurting yourself physically, but it's not always so dramatic. I started. Self harming when I was a kid. 'cause I didn't feel. Like. I mattered and that I was worth. Or that I deserved. Nice things or good things to happen to me. I felt that I needed to punish myself because I didn't. Feel good enough. and. It's such a strange process to go through as a child because you're punishing yourself and it wasn't. A crazed seven year old with a knife. was. Little six year old may sleeping on the floor because it was hard and it was cold and I felt that I didn't deserve to sleep in bed. Or turning the lights on to make it more difficult for me to sleep because I didn't feel that I. Should. I felt. That by depriving myself of certain comforts. It wouldn't. It would somehow. Make the worthlessness that I felt makes sense. Because I was physically equating. To a state of mind. And that grew with me. To. Being a teenager and actually cutting myself. And I? Would use. Razor blades or scissors or not lives or Pro Tractors anything that I could get my hands on that was a sharp edge and I would just do. Little. Cat Scratch slices. On my legs. And I wouldn't let anybody see because I. didn't want anybody to know. But every Cut At that point. Made me feel. Relief and it's actually scientifically releases the same endorphins as when you're running. So you're used to that high and I was on the track team and I. was. Addicted to running but I was also addicted to self harm because things could be spiraling out of control for me in my life or me and my head. And the one thing that I control was that release the cut. And sometimes like my vision would actually be blurred. I was so upset and I was so anxious or I. was just overwhelmed and as soon as I cut myself I felt like I could breathe again. It was like doing drugs it you know it's wrong but it Helps you, function. And you can't get away from it because it's a habit that you formed. and. That's your way of coping. That's your way of dealing. And that loss of control. By being overwhelmed or scared or anxious. You're in control of that release. You're the one who's doing that damage. And it was. Some little. Way. It was something that was just mine. I went to counseling for that. As a teenager and it's something that I've definitely been aware of since I was a teenage or. Doesn't mean. That it. Stopped there. I might not have. Instantly, thought to pick up a knife or scissors or something sharp. But that feeling of worthlessness and that. That need to be punished for not being worthy stayed with me. And, I would self harm in other ways I would purposely not eat. Or? Do. Drink too much or do drugs or. Sabotage. Relationships. Or? Forming terrible relationships. Those are all things that I have done. And I've no Ingley. Done. Some of them to hurt myself. And it's. The hardest thing to admit to yourself. When You're so addicted to it that. Your the one you're unhappy with. Your angry with yourself so you need to punish yourself. And that's not something that. A lot of people. Want to face. In themselves. So they don't acknowledged. That slightly masochistic part. Of. themselves. And so. I haven't cut myself. For years. And, it has taken me years and years and years to get rid of the majority of my self harm scars. All the way up my legs on arms. Sometimes and pictures you can see them. Just, little whispers almost like lace. Although at my skin. But they're almost. Roadmap of the struggles that I've gone through. And people often ask me how I can be so cheerful or take so much joy and little things. It's because so many things have happened. That weren't joy. And I reveled in. The pain. Because it was all that I knew. And being on the other side of that. Rediscovering all the things that had been overlooked. Is. Amazing. It's miraculous. It's magical. It's important. To me. To. Take them and and not. Turn it into something more bitter mcnabb. I know a lot of people who struggle with addiction whether it be substance abuse or eating disorders. Those are all. Within the umbrella of self harm. Because we. What we're doing to ourselves. We know the end result. But we're determined to follow along that path. And I know I gave a lot of people a hard time when I was struggling along that path. And I snapped a lot of people. And I was unkind. Too many people. And to those people, I am truly Truly, sorry. Because You cared and you extended yourself when you knew I was having. Such a hard time. Hurt people hurt people. And I was in so much pain than. Mentally and emotionally that I lashed out. And I couldn't see. How damaging I was to myself? Because I was consumed by it. The same way. Any addiction? Consumes. It. Poisons. It controls. and. Manipulates you. It changes the way you think. So When you see someone who struggles. With. Addiction or, self harm. Or are really struggling with mental health issues or just. A difficult time in general. You may notice that. They try to punish themselves. And it's not because they don't know what they're doing. Because everything is. Spun. So insanely. Out, of Control, for them That they're grasping at the only thing that they feel that they can control. And I really. Only, noticed this or realize this or started to actually think about this in myself. When I was. Just out of my teens was just earned my early twenties and my partner at the time had custody of. His nieces and nephews. And his nephew. Was Six and he was really really struggling. With all the TRAUMAS that he'd experienced in his six-year-old life. And he was crying night and he was saying didn't deserve anything and he wanted to die. Six, year old. In. So much pain they didn't want to go on. And It was the middle of winter and he took off his shoes and coat and went and sat outside in the cold. Because he was in so much pain. He felt that was all he deserved he was only six. And everybody was freaking out and couldn't understand why and why would he do something like that and this is crazy for a child and But I knew why? I'd been that child to. I'd had that haunted look and I'd been depriving myself of safety and comfort. When I was young as well because. A child that's all the control that I had. Over issues that were so much bigger than me. That I couldn't understand or deal with. Or even verbalize. And it was so overwhelming that I took it out on myself. The same way. He did. So it's not. Always. Being AIMO and slicing yourself with a razor. Blade. Can Be an eating disorder. Or? obsessively exercising. Or? A string of. Self. Destructive nights at the club or. Freeing home random people. So you don't have to face the commitment of just one person. Seeing who you truly are. Those are all. Examples of self harm. And I'm aware of that in my life and. It's a struggle. All, the time to keep my head of the water. To not. Consciously, go down those roads. To not. Spend wildly out of control. Because that's how I feel. And you'll see a lot of. Illusion. In my designs. To. Blood. Or bleeding. because. It's been such. A part. Of what has formed me What has trevon me what I've overcome. Just the T.