Communication & Connection
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We have a therapy apiece session in a sense for you and of course. Don't forget to stay tuned till the end of the episode to hear about our December giveaway. I'm GONNA guarantee this you're not gonNA WANNA miss it. We're we're giving away a gift card to the prickly pear. Stay tuned for that but before that can happen. We gotta get to Corey so hope. You're ready pack your bags. We're going to Kansas Jayhawks state Still painful to essay here we go uh-huh uh-huh uh Welcome in other people's shoes. I of course amd your host Neal and today we sit down with my guest who has been to school over ten years. I'm going to let that sink in for just a moment ten years. She's learned how to to research in support people in the ways. They communicate better. which hello who's hand is not up on that one? She's has become a licensed and family marriage therapist. You actually has a degree and a master's in that so she's she's obviously very skilled in what she does. She also has a communications a master's degree in communication to bachelor's degree in communication and psychology and is currently working on her doctorate in communication occasion to find out more about my guest and her work. She and her team are doing and how they can assist you. Please visit communication and connections connections dot. com helped me welcome my guest. Corey Peterson Corey. How are you today? Good thank you so much for having me you. You know it is our pleasure. I'm excited and geared sending by offset you you kind of got to talk to him before we start recording so I wanna give a shout out got to get for For finding you in kind of helping connect with you on that so that that's awesome so corey before we get started the most important question and I jokingly say that everyone has to answer when they come on the show. And that's this crew. What sites shoes do you wear? I wear size seven. You're seven evident. Women's correct okay and is there a certain brand or or style that you love to wear. I think my heart will always be with vans back to Nice skateboarding days in high school. So I'm going to stick with those nice. I actually purposely bought some vans before I started our podcast with the idea in mind and they were used vans even which kind of smell stinky and weird but the idea was is. I wanted someone else's shoes and so for whatever reason. Our logo kind of maybe resembles the the veins shoes. If you look at it closely you might see some some some some. I don't know some parallel to that. So we'll just leave it at that but cory I just WanNa say thank you for giving us a moments today in to really dive into your story and to hear more about what you're doing and and the work obviously that you're dealing with people and and just the idea of therapy and how you're helping folks. I'm excited to sit down with you today. So I wanted to if we can. Why on earth of all the jobs to do? Why on Earth would you ever want to become a licensed marriage and family therapist? I mean what what possessed resist you even think about going in that realm the best job But actually I think that like most therapists have polly holy can share the experience of having adverse childhood and. I think that might be a motivator for probably most of us For me all of that was true. I was actually getting my first. Master's degree in professional communication and I was in an interpersonal communication class. And we were doing a chapter on stepfamilies. He's I remember this very vividly. Remember thinking how cool all of this information. I'll lowering if people in blended families just knew these communication skills. How much easier? We're transitioning into a blended family with deep for them. And I thought if I just stay in academia I might get to teach some kids who can afford to go college who went might take a personal communication. Vasu may or may not care about this and at the time. I was finishing second bachelor's degree in psychology. I mean I was only a few credits. It's a ways I figured. Why not from my minor as in a professional? Like one of those like really intro classes of professions in psychology and just went up to a teacher sure one day and just said like. How do I become a therapist? I I really wanted to use all of this communication education. I had at that point. You know at my bachelor's degree I was in my master's I has just like I have people need to know this like people who need to know this need to know this ends. I figured the best way I can use. This knowledge is by helping helping people directly in therapeutic way. I think that is so awesome. I myself have been to therapy. I'm going to fully admit that on this show. I've I've been to therapy. I don't think it was awesome time. Well yeah well parts awesome. I guess maybe be but but I but I gotta be honest with you because when I think of therapy and I think of communication and I think of our society in general I think I think our our society and and maybe you can speak to this obviously better than I could but but I think our challenge in society today is power communicating with others. Why do you think Communication Cima so hard for people nowadays one? I think it's hard because this business skills these are skills. Communication skills are not time high. School you don't take a communication class a straight year. You're likely not growing up in like an education setting learning skills so all you have is your parents and of your parents are not great communicators. Well then what do you have. Left and especially technology is changing or constantly adapting her communication To the technology but again with no guidance on how to do this well so I think there's just a naievty Because I think on one and communication simple safe things people will say back but it's not simple at all and the fact that communication is everything I mean I can do my job without you and I have this podcast about it. I mean heck evener Adams uh-huh communicate with each other and everything is communication and with such a broad and complex concept We really should have more means while we were growing up education only because that's a pretty common standard we can rely on in our societies. That kids are going to go to school and since we can't always rely on parents to teach them good skills than we do need an people who can do that for them along the way and so oh. I think it's literally we don't learn how to do this while I think that's a great answer and I think that again. A major problem with our society today is how we talk to individuals right. We talked to the stranger in the grocery store. How we talk to our kids or you know how I talked to my spouse? You know What do you think the greatest this challenge in communication is nowadays and the difference between intention an experience So what I say Amer like what I need to say does not always always mean the same thing to the receiver so the receiver is the person who punctuate the message meaning. They're the ones deriving meaning from the words or actions that are coming from us and so too often our intention of our message and the experience of our audience or receiver do not match. This was because of I mean sarcasm for example if you have a dry sense of humor verses says like using tone inductions and oh gosh there media like social media texting it is two thousand nineteen and we still don't have a simple for sarcasm and But we also get very very defensive of intention and are very bad at Really reaching out and repairing an experience the for example A lot of people will argue whether or not a joke is racist sir. Not Based on the intention of the speaker when in fact. The joke is racist. If it's racist the intention of necessarily thing that matters it's the experience because the audience that punctuates the message. And so I think the biggest challenge that we have is aligning our intention and needs with the message using the correct words because changing our feelings from depressed tomorrow so sad completely changes. The experience of that message does an expense. I think it does. I think you're you're right on in your thinking. I had a teacher say to me once. It's my job to communicate in such a way so you can understand me. What do you make of that statement? Yea Communication is always dual responsibility interaction. So as a speaker. And it's my job to speak in a way with clarity and conciseness that I can be understood and be open to the feedback. I get from receiver in is the receivers responsibly. To listen in a way in which to understand. Meaning they're not listening with the purpose to criticize or hear criticism or defensiveness. They're listening for the meaning and intent of the message and we are awful listeners. Naturally we do a lot of. What's called grandstanding? Grandstanding which is like thinking about well. We're GONNA say when selling also talking so both sides of interaction really have to hone those communication skills in order for a dialogue to you take place effectively again. I think that's just pearls of wisdom right there so in your work. Why do you think people have such a A stigma or a fear or you know something almost like when you talk about going to the dentist the idea of going to the therapist sometimes kind of maybe gets slumped into that category. Why do you think that is? I think there are several reasons. Probably the most significant is going to be one of the most significant a significant as family and the family belief system about their second with these societies portrayal of therapists and in pretty much any drama as therapists. They're sleeping with their client or their unethical ethical. Or they're addicted to something or they're secretly serial killers. I mean anytime therapist views or mental illness. Awesome almost every time a diagnosis said on television or film it has a storyline attached to have danger or even like depth. And so you rarely even hear about diagnoses signifies without being having danger at shit which is not fair because the diagnosis isn't who you are something you're experiencing like. I mean physical illness if I have the flu and I have the flu for a week or a few weeks and then I may not have the flu again after but during that time I am not the flu. I'm just I just had the flu and even Chronic illnesses like for example. I have lupus and other chronic illness and there are some mental diagnoses that can be chronic. That even Lupus is experienced in flare so I experienced the best but I am not lupus so we have a stigma around diagnoses. That is completely unfair for mental health in media. We're constantly. I promoting messages of danger and death in risk families the the the new generation. I think generations e-especially is much more open about going to therapy and saying I have a therapist even will have means that they share about therapy But because there's a stigma on mental illness. Therefore there has to be a stigma on on therapy. Because why would you go to therapy if you are which again. It's like physical illness. I can't be perfectly physically healthy all the time. It makes no sense and one out of every five Americans experience as a diagnose full mental illness in any given year. So we gotta work through that stigma. Yeah so going back to this idea. Men and women right. I mean and maybe even families which you obviously you're specializing but what is the greater struggle. As it more men coming to therapy more women or were you seeing those numbers on on your end of things. I think that there are pressures for Both Primary genders that we talked about strictly and men and women. I would say that I I see more women. Maybe that's because I'm a woman but it's not that uneven even although I do imagine I mean growing up as a man in this country I imagine and again I don't know what it's like. You may experience less freedom to share your motion. Not Okay do maybe your lab xo anchor album. Maybe not as much sadness or you channel it into other expressions and so I think that men have some extra barriers barriers in regards to like what it needs to be mad what it means an asking what it means to express emotion And how you value that. That women just have different barriers around the might it allows them more freedom to openly express the therapist but I would say that the the numbers are more even than maybe people Think and maybe because men are just being more secretive about it and that's why people might think for women's therapists But it's on really interested this generation Beta seat that starts evening more Mar.. Yeah I'm fascinated by by your work and obviously Excited to talk to you today. And just get your insight into things Jason so with that. We've focused on two seasons back in our first season dealing with the issue of pornography. Do you have any experience with clients. Come obviously I know you can't speak specifically like oh johnny or Susie like namedrop so to speak but but do you help people through that that pornography addiction and if so what is what does that work look like I do not work help with people specifically third pornography addiction. I'm not a certified sex therapist license addiction chancellor but in couples work I will work with what I might call pornography misuse You tend to refer out. Somebody believes that they experienced pornography addiction. Because I'm not an addiction counselor but I'll work with angry within a couple context a lot and sometimes individual people feel using pornography way that they don't identify as healthy Help them change their relationship with pornography that if they want it to be a part of their life what barriers or boundaries or Intentions for US might make them feel more confident or again like healthier especially feeling better about themselves. 'cause I mean people think you also have like a lot of Emmett body image issues doctoring men and women. This isn't like a women only thing and so also working on that as well and the media literacy of pornography in and if you willing maybe go a little deeper with that so you by no means would encourage couples. Counseling would encourage couples to look at pornography to help in their marriage. I depend on their goals. And if that's the thing that they want And so there's no such thing as just like one blueprint of a makes a healthy marriage including pornography flirting with other people. Even talking about like can I say Kenny. Data's like boyfriend and Cameron Diaz has girlfriend like like There's lots of different privacy down trees around lots of sexual experiences including sex with other people Masturbation pornography in so pornography is just like another boundary thing to talk about. So it's something that they want in their lines and they have healthy boundaries healthy boundaries and the healthy boundaries are really dictated by their relationship nations pornography before and the belief they currently have about pornography. If you believe that pornography's harmful to marriage and to you then it's probably going to be So more people can experience a healthy relation of Franck than not but it depends on how often they're using it in the intentions in which they're using it so pornography is not a great coping being skill right so escapism from like during your stress. Things like that Couples work It can be beneficial. Both partners want to view pornography. Both partners want each other to pornography. It is not a secret and it is used as a connecting activity of taking away intimacy from the other partner Allen Pornography's a secret or hidden or shameful especially there is any shame around pornography use. Then it's we really probably have to work on Either changing your relationship with pornography or funny other ways to gain intimacy with your partner because that shame as a huge barrier whether it's battery on pornography or anything else it's you're you're carrying shitting humor secrets in a relationship. It's just not going to be sustainable. I think that's great again. Great insight on that Corey appreciate you share So what do you think the major cause in couples relationships is today. What what what do you think the number one thing would be and the number 'cause of what will just the the caused the challenges that that people come and see you? Is there kind of maybe like a the top five things that people come to see you. For reasons they come to Yes on couples therapy ten. You don't a lot of couples that are coming in like when they're doing doing well. The Guy Couples therapy has its whole of their stigma around it. So you tend to get people when they're lasted jumper so I see a lot of people who are doing a fair recovery. So one or both partners partners has experienced in a fair Or I mean people say communication. That's pretty common underneath. That seems to be resentment. So resentment Over how people have communicated resentment over how money has been spent or not the intercultural boundaries around religion is pretty common to or like the kids parenting. Let's see and also get a lot of couples on the verge of divorce for lots of reasons again. I think if you whittle it down resentments is really like the relationship killer like. That's the thing you really have to work through in. He'll in order to get to the other problems that experiencing. Wow My parents. I'm a child of divorce. My parents actually separated ninety seven and then they didn't end up actually getting divorced till until I was an adult but I had several friends grown up that that ended in divorce I think out of there was like eight of us that hung out together in in high school. I think out of the eight of us. I think two of US had parents still together so divorces is obviously still rampant in our country. Sounds like even even even nowadays. Okay so so. I'm curious the divorce. Rate Down the lowest it's bitten and non fault divorce was actually I institutional institutionalized but became legal and because we are getting married later and having kids later so we're actually bringing the divorce rate down that's exciting. To hear right and the Gorse stats are always misconstrued. People say fifty percent of marriages end in divorce when that's actually not true because fifty percent of people and have been divorced and so Somebody who's been divorced four times each time they get divorced ad that statistic so it actually is misrepresentative because people interpret as marriage instead of people in through divorce horse links not necessarily So again one person can take four of those thoughts in that percentage. That's actually closer to the high thirties forties key. Could you run that again. I mean if you don't mind yet the divorce thing was was was key. Run that again if you wouldn't mind. Yeah absolutely okay. So people tend to report the Again it's gone down. Fixed to millennials but generally they'll say fifty fifty percent chance of getting divorced so those of reports are actually by person not not by Should I say oh. I flipped sorry by marriage. Not by person there we go. I'm sorry I missed vice. That it's the flip side that's okay and mm Su As a person. You're only like high thirties. Low forties likely to get divorced because Some people might get divorced multiple times so they raise the statistic. Because there's more marriage as being filed 'cause they look at divorce filings. Not necessarily. Who are the people doing them? And so As I said for example both of my parents have been in divorce multiple times and so they're raising the statistics even though under just two people but they kind of represent multiple marriages right and her by hi person stat is actually lower. That's that's that's that gives me hope that all marriages failing that gives me some hope there. Thank you for that Korea. That's awesome So I'm going to. I'm going to run through. I did some research. These are top ten reasons why people don't go to a therapist. Do you know these. Maybe maybe do. Maybe so these are no particular order. I didn't steal from David Letterman. So his his top ten so so here they are. I'm just gonNa run through these and then let's pick them apart. How does that sound? Okay so one. They list one as they'd rather talk to their friends. You think that's kind of true. Oh yeah I mean I think everybody would rather go to their friends I you don't pay them anyways. Musburger speaking of that. It costs too much therapist. Just they're just too expensive. I don't even get any ED program. I have a big big gripe about the accessibility to mental health services. I agree with you agree with that. One that's awesome. I don't have time. It seems like that's the thing we're always struggling with. We just don't as a society have enough time. We do. We prioritize it because if we have time go to movies and out drinking with friends and watching that flex time for therapy and you will find more and more therapists have night and weekend appointments so this whole nine to five spiel not even a thing anymore. Hopefully this one isn't true about Your Dad's is placed assign a psychologist once and they didn't even help. It's not my place for sure but you can throw a rock and hit a bad therapist and fortunately you can also throw a rock and hit a great one but it can take one bad experienced to the tree from therapy finding someone that you have a good fit with and recognizing autonomy but if somebody isn't helpful for you that you don't have to be there anymore action. I think it's great. Find someone you like. Stick with them you do not. Oh any therapist or time. If they're not helping yeah I love that. That's just a great insight into that Reason why people don't go therapy. What is it is a good to talk about your problems with people? That's one the questions I guess. That's the reason why people don't WanNa go therapist or with just anyone I guess just anyone they just list. Why why is it good to talk about your problems comes with people? I don't know if that's the reason don't don't so good. That's kind of what I thought and I'm glad it's almost like to talk about it. I I wonder stress. You actually release oxytocin. Everything's oxytocin is just as cuddle hormone. But it's actually address woman to someone you stressed out nearly oxytocin. It's basically basically telling your body to connect somebody right that doesn't want to land somebody so when you isolate yourself and you don't share your problems and you just internal egg that you then become lonely. Leave because you released always oxytocin didn't share anyone and do anything about it so by non sharing your problems You actually will develop new problems because not only. Are you stressed out or sad. You are now also lonely even if you have a lot of good friends by choosing to not reach out to them you are choosing to deny your body. The thing in Netflix tames again. Great insight there this this falls up almost with with what you're saying which is kind of weird and you didn't even know this list like we didn't even talk about it beforehand it so I'd feel weird talking about my problems with a stranger. That's kind of what you're saying so we're going to make sense estimate. That's the weird thing to just do. It ought to stranger about your mom's therapists. Don't say anything they just sit there and judge me sorry I had I had a little inflection to that much and they have a bad therapists. Get a new one and on the stranger thing. Everyone's a stranger till you know them right. Everyone you've ever Vermont was intriguing. I agree wholeheartedly therapists. Don't really care about about you. They just want your money and I know you could probably speak all day about that. Sounds like if I was depressed I would want to feel better. Wouldn't I just take PROZAC. Yeah I mean talking to your doctor. The medical model of health is one model There's no shame in thinking on Prozac or anything but we know about that accessorize or is that they are Depression medications are sort of like a head start to get into your baseline. But they don't do all the work for you. You still have to era work if you want to maintain that so there is no shame in taking medication if you're feeling down But it seems to be one part of like the solution and so now sometimes it's enough for people in okay that's not An accent so finally very go so this. This is the last one again in no particular number ten I wouldn't want to air my dirty laundry out in public now. I got to push back on that one a little bit. When I was in therapy it was not in public? Blake was in a guy's office. It was super chill super cool. He had some like ambiance like river music. Going in the background which was weird but it blocked out are talking. So that's why you had that but I don't think it was out in public so I don't I don't get that one so I don't know if you want to speak to that one either but it seemed kind of silly to me so anyway we had the public good. That's Kinda WanNa talk. So we'll we'll kind of transition a little bit now. I know you're a big movie buff. Aren't you right and did I did. Yeah you okay you okay so we'll go a little off topic here but What is probably give me your top five movies of all time include? WanNa it just came out so I've seen it twice and I will see the director's cut as a therapist. I do not recommend the still. Okay which is mid by Ari Astor. He loved his movie hereditary. I really love the John Wick series. It's a good one Jan interesting one because all three were really good. I can't back on just keeps getting better just keeps getting better. Kiana does good work. He really does and I really loved the movie. Labyrinth like that's very nostalgic for me. I'm going to put that on the list. The hangover my I can watch that every day and sister actor. That's frankly that is quite the The genre the the spectrum if you will that that's that's quite the list there so this leads into my question because I know you're like I said you're a big movie Fan and so I'm curious like if you could get one movie character in a session with one on one. Who would that character? And why Dexter from Dexter the the TV show movie that's show Neff Lexi's a serial killer will allow Garrett's nodding he's giving approval so that counts even though because I really liked that. He wasn't written as a stereotype of like antisocial personalities. Or like someone has no empathy or anything I think he is a great example of that. Empathy emotion the perspective and it can be taught and you can learn it and I would just love to kind of flush out his moral reasoning reasoning. I think would be really fascinating that he has a moral code. He sticks by struggles with morality. I think you'd be great plant so so I love the you use the word. Empathy obviously had no idea what you were going to say there but why I'm curious why is empathy so important to you and important to me because it's a foundation to I mean ethical communication being able to I mean like the gas for yourself in other people's shoes 'em I'm choosing a perspective that is respectful of someone else's experiencing experiences without you having to own their experience Without you having to be right all the time be able to say that we. I mean it's very therapy language of having different truths but I mean it's really having different experiences different perspectives. I mean our our brain gene people's eight the muscle as a metaphor really than Oregon. It's the organ of perception and it creates that perception based on like our own personal experience or knowledge that we games through experience or someone told us something and so being able to speak with someone else to know that it may not be that you know better or they know better. It's just that you know something different and you know differently and choosing to learn from them instead of like you know. Domineering them I think it's really important to the fabric of our society in order to get along in a multicultural world If we're constantly trying to own other people's experiences cultures words it just it won't be sustainable. It's it's not fair it's not fair Okay so Corey what is the most rewarding thing you get to do or you have done the most rewarding thing I mean. Aside from his being therapist is having now a group practice where I have six antastic sunshiny sunshiny wonderful capable therapists. Now work with me and being able to see them starting their practice in starting into this field old and I just I valued them so much and I'm already so proud of them. It's just the best feeling in the world. You almost in that statement sound like a mama bear who's excited about her cubs. I'm just going to say. Do you feel that way at all. My projecting too much on that now. Now that's an accurate projection. I just I really I mean not S- even like hearts Amina Boundaries. Like it's like you want to do everything or them but there's so so much pride that comes with like doing your own work and getting yourself someplace where he'll successful and just being able to be a part of that for them feels really filling unsettling to me. That's that's so awesome that you have a great team. We're trying to build our first team. Here in care. Does a great job for US sign. I'm GONNA give him a little shout out there if if you don't mind me your life for a little bit. So barring Darlene. I'm I'm just borrowing it. You can have a back now so but Garrett does do great work so so with all the joy join with the excitement and with this great team that you're around. Obviously there comes some challenges and trials right. Yeah Yeah so how does perseverance play into your story. My Story. Gosh I feel like it's just been my whole life. I think specifically in College I transport transferred my Sophomore Year of college to Southern Utah University and in that first year just a lot happens I got diagnosed with lupus. Nineteen so my sophomore year I also experienced like an awful Event of voyeurism where a male or a lake turned name like Solo people to my dorm around and like told all the whole floor guys about in is like that for two weeks. Essentially you can watch me from the outside and I only found out because a friend was walking by and it was like I can see like coming from her room which is like I can see you in there and the it was so awful I mean not only just that feeling and like going through that but then I started getting death threats from the guys I on his floor. They're making statements at other people about and a depth salient statements about me. I had to be moved for my safety then into another dorm building. I was so afraid to leave. I got so stressed out I got shingles at eighteen. Nineteen I Eventually had to move back into my dorm. They only moved me over for about a month and that was terrifying. I ended up being on academic probation. That was my first two times and then the university this is before the me too movement came to means that he's really sorry and we'd like to give him his job back. And so I changed my major scotch even five times times like my first bachelor's degree in configure out I wanted to do I felt really lost. I was. I was getting really sick I was recovering from all this. You're using situations and I really feel like one of the biggest reasons I persevered through that And was one time like I. I really struggled during that time. I I wish I had like this moment that I can say like this profound. He's like made it through thing that happened but it didn't but what did happen is as I started to feel better and started to feel more confident again. I had an instructor. Turkish demean said. Hey have you getting a master's degree in said we'll know and back no woman in my family's gotten a college degree and so college was never talked me growing at that wasn't my role in my conservative culture. So I I just guess I'll try applied got in barely because my gp so alot at that point and then it just steadily built more confidence and then somebody one of my instructors will just like. Hey have you thought about getting a PhD. I was like no like we should do that. In the meantime I like when became a therapist because I just connected those ideas of communication and helping people through therapy an I applied to Ku. Hey You and getting my dad do you know. Part of my perseverance was just two people in my life. Things something in me that I can see myself And because they said something the loud my life changed completely. This was never an option for me. I was like I was GonNa meet somebody drop out you can get pregnant. I mean that was supposed to be my life. That's everything that it was kind of built to be and to have someone else affirms something. I wasn't even thinking about I owe so much where out to date just those two instructor earth and I think the other thing that really helped perseverance as I became more confidence. I'm I really started to believe. I guess I gave my permission myself permission to feel good about myself. I'm even in times or is hard to deserve 'em as I was getting like my second masters Teach I was told a few times that my confidence was intimidating and One person excuse me being overconfident. Even at the time when I had like you know on a three academic click national and international honor societies. I add doing like really great internships awesome. I just resisted Ben. I was like you know. over-confidence is only thing. If you fail it you don't feel you had the exact right amount that you need in order to succeed exceed and Julius objectives and frankly as a woman like what would I need to do in my life. What would have to be behind? My name would have to be on my resume in order for me to be allowed to like myself and feel good about myself and being able to internalize that and choose to use whatever that has given me to help others others and to be fulfilled and choosing kindness and having trying my best anyway Hoping to do research that helps people at has been huge in being able to persevere through as just started my eleven. Th Year of college yesterday So I I would attribute to those things things primarily corey. I'm just digesting all of that. Wow what a journey like. I mean really. What a journey to think that somewhere along the way somebody put in your head? You can't do this and you're like you know what. Let me show you what I can do in the have the tenacity to rise above that that that to me is is hands down a noble trait to go after. And I'm I'm just impressed with that ability to to rise above that and continue tinge to push yourself to get better that that's that's incredible gear so I'm curious though along the way you said you had these two professors I get that right or or mentors maybe even professors okay they. They kind of instilled as driving driving you to keep going forward right. I mean literally just a comment I mean I mean it's so I mean just the it was never even an option to me suggests just mentioning. That was a possibility that I mean is really just really short conversations. Where they're like? You should really think about us. It's it's crazy what you are open to someone just presented to you so we gotta ask what happens. If they don't have you ever played that. What if game? What happens if they don't make that mentioned? I don't think I've ever gone there but I'd like to say I would have thought about it on my own. I don't knew that I would have thought at least about that first. Master's degree there was nothing happening in my life. That said that's where I was going there. I mean I had a two point nine. Gpa they let me in like basically with like a idle one semester. What's it called when? Oh shoot when you're like accepted but you're on a probationary term and I had to prove myself so I made sure to never get again and you know worked really hard but I mean there's no way I would have gotten any other program But they knew me name sauce and potential in me and it's because of its because they gave me a chance where I didn't even know I desperately needed okay so back then. How would you categorize your identity in? Then how would you categorize your identity now back then so I would have been I mean at at the time of everything happening. Nineteen content school. Oh back then my identity probably would have been a lot really situated in I come from again. I come from a very conservative culture so so in all honesty I think that back then my identity would have been like in my marriage. We're now like I don't i. Don't say a married as part of my identity because it's my relationship status. It's not who I am. Yeah but back then I still fully believe that I believe I mean being told and born that like so much of your self worth is in like what you do. Boris L. Server family or having a lot of kids earn things. Like that's I probably would have felt like I wasn't enough or I My value is probably placed in. How well he treated others I imagine is probably very others oriented if I l. good about myself or not an did you ask how I feel now and then you know obviously the juxtaposition of you you know yeah announced totally different on? Oh nothing else really passive. I was very I mean back When the warriors have been in the asks for his job back I said okay? Hey I'm so afraid and there's no way I would let that stand today I and much much more confidence I feel that I'm deserving of good things like hard worker. I get imposter syndrome. Sometimes I feel like a meme twelve year old and I'm like why would anyone listening to me every now and then absolutely and there's no like mental letters behind your name. I think that you believe you know everything or much and I hope no one thinks they know everything But I feel like I'm much better at listening now and a better learner. I'm more curious I I recall they solve a recovering pessimist because I I mean I definitely grew up with a chip on my shoulder. It felt that a lot of things runs there and when becoming therapist. There's no possible way. I can be a pessimist anymore. I mean I get a front row seat to the resiliency of the human spirit in person over and over again every week and it's just like the greatest place to be I mean I did. I constantly look in my life and like how did I get here in like so now as you like I deserve urban. Feel like I've earned a and I'm so grateful for it and like I'm so happy I get I mean I'm really busy therapy fulltime PhD student. But I'm very Republican position. Where the busy that? I am chosen to be as like the busy that I wanna be like. I love everything that I'm doing and I think I'm much better positioning myself around people who makes me better. I love to like meet people. Make me really jealous. Because like they've they're doing something that I want to do that. People who are in the me people who emerges wicked smart. I hope they rub off on me as I hang out with them so think of a better friend. My identity is now more skill based Lake in Value based on what I can do for others but independent how they view me Ben Expense certainly depend on Mir not like I will never Out and one hundred percent success rate approval rate In maybe the greatest presidents of all time with navy captain like the low sixties so finding it fifty fifty like that's pretty great for a Schmo who's never even been president. So I'll take it. I gotta be honest as I'm hearing this. You know. Almost maybe need a book a session because for for a lot of years for me I struggled with this idea of. Am I good enough. Can I do enough. Can I please my parents enough can and I can I please my co workers enough. Can I achieve enough. Can I do enough to get people zach late in approval because let's face it. Everyone wants the people's approval on some level. Whether whether you admit it to yourself verbally your outwardly. You're not I I think we all do struggle with that and I appreciate you walking through that with us so uh does does faith come into marriage and family therapy to at all like my clients insane or might they will face in general yeah. We're we're just faith. Play into your therapy in your therapy with couples. Oh Yeah I mean. So I mean it's usually part of an intake is asking people with their spiritual orientation as And really working within the values a seminar trying to change it so you mention engine pornography earlier like a lot of Christian communities Are Christian faithful obviously not want that a further marriage even though likely one partner the other is experiencing experiencing pornography use. It's just the secret and that's when it becomes shameful and that's becomes sick affect problem but it's not my job to convince anything that's something they don't want in their life is good for for them to work within their belief system so that they can make the best choices and use their economy away that to Phil's like their spiritual needs And so whoever walks in whatever they're bringing with is what I have to work with and I get to learn a lot through them to which is really valuable for me. I think that's great. This is a quote that I think should should maybe re remind you of something or you'll be reminded of this and it's an and why is this so important. Maybe is live your life in such a way that when other speak of Ila view no one will listen to them. Why is it so important? That is my favorite quote. Because I heard it must have been young adult. Remember hearing it and again my group A chip on my shoulder is pretty pessimistic. I have a really dry actually personnel. A sense of humor. I'm actually really Turkey. And my normal life. It and I remember hearing that quote and just really shifted my mindset Because although I wanted did approval from people and I wanted people to like me and like you said everybody has an think that makes us better. As long as it doesn't get out of hand because we should want people like we should be connected to people. Were here to get to know each other. And why wouldn't you WANNA do that. And I talked to me because I realize the kind of person I I wanted to be Not as any to be perfect or that. I couldn't make mistakes but if I could treat people in a way that I would really want to be treated if like it like be somebody that other people could rely on. Knowing bad people talk about each other knowing. That gossip is a given in life in. You know the quote talking behind your back like you would say you know when you're younger happens that if I could act in a way that aligned with my values enough that when that what happened the other person wouldn't believe him than I would feel like the experienced. People are getting from me matches the intention that I'm trying to get them. That's profound there really is and again. I just think that that. I think that's the problem if I'm GonNA project checked a little bit. I think that's the problem we have in our society again. Is this idea that we don't really spend time getting to know people on a more intimate level and we in intern. I think that goes hand in hand with the way we talk to. People doesn't really lend to that and then I think that could potentially lead to society issue that we're running into right. This idea of kids being bullied kids not understanding where other kids are coming from and then of course that just builds and builds and builds and builds until we become adults and then we're all forced to work together in this corporate structure. You know business structure where we have to get along with everybody. We have a task that we have to do. We have a job job that we have to do. And I think we struggle with communicating. Because again like you were saying earlier. Nobody's really taught us how anything thinkers on. Thank you thank you. I appreciate that so I wanna I wanna Kinda in with with this idea and we're gonNA play a game so that's fun so Why why did you WANNA come on? I mean we're we're not. We're not a huge podcast when we were not the podcast getting ten thousand downloads. Every episode of me. We wish we were. Yeah but but we're not why. Why did you WANNA come on and really kind of share your story and allow us to kind of walk in your shoes as we say? Great Caution Gosh. I wanted to come on. This is pretty self serving for me. I'M GONNA spend a lot of my time listening to others. I it's weird for therapists. Talk about ourselves L. This much. I'm very aware of how much I'm talking right now. Actually throughout this whole podcast interview doing fine by the way if I can encourage you in that regard you're doing fine So this is really new. I literally just started. Talk on pod casts like last couple of I mean this is all a new experience ends for me. And I'm a big believer in Psychological slow so challenging your strengths and weaknesses. Whatever it is and continually to not become in some place under Feel burnt out. If you go too far too fast like I really try to balance and things and so this is in a way part of my I own growth. I've I've never told my life story or parts of my story your thoughts or ideas on a public platform. I have a facebook at close. Maybe twice a month about Oh cats and that is my only social media outlet. I have no experience being in any public Aaron in any way and so to me. This is a completely new challenge and also it's been really fighting. This is done. I'm grateful to be here. We're excited to have you here. Hopefully we've been your best podcast you've been on. I mean I don't know hopefully angry. That's awesome so so corey I wanna give you an opportunity opportunity. Talk about your work and talk about why people in your area. I know you could probably do some stuff nationwide but but you really are kind of in that Kansas area right Jayhawk country which pains me to say because being North Carolina Fan that I am we borrowed Roy Williams from you so I don't know if you're a basketball fan but but there's the basketball oh connection Garrett's rolling his eyes right now. You can't see him but he's rolling his eyes so so talk about why people should come utilize. Your guys is your services if you wouldn't mind also and then play a game. Yeah so I'm the owner of communication and connection. Therapy people should utilize lies. I think any mental health service that is near them because it is never too early to find somebody to talk to you to seek hell. It can't be too late and we Out some horrible epidemics happening in this country right now and it will never hurt you to like reach out and start trusting again. Use Your time me like find. Find someone who fits for you. You do not allow anybody second session Please feel really secure in that fact Why specifically if you are in the Kansas City area utilize my services is One myself and my team are fantastic. like I always say like I am an a plus therapist us like. Don't judge me being person as a therapist. I'm like a solid B. minus person a plus therapist and might team is even better than me When I I started thinking about who I wanted to bring on and higher I sought out the best? I was very intense about that did not interview anybody. That didn't have a great reputation that didn't speak about their clients kindly and that in love what they did and also they're able to prove their clinical competency with others and being gable to really seek out the best of the best talk to them in for them to choose me is absolutely unreal. I would not recommend them. If I didn't solely stand behind each each and every one of them they will have different specialties. My husband for example who is a therapist by the way he is draining Works with insomnia. He's trained in treating like a video game game and media misuse fantastic. We have people's teenagers. Lucy kids who see pre-verbal kids which is so rare to find people trained. Play eight therapy in therapy than teenagers. Couples They're able to do things that I can't quite frankly I and and so impressed by them and you should choose us because we have sliding scale so we have a range basically price range. Can you tell us how much you can afford. We also had to make therapy more accessible through having weekend night night appointments and so if you can't during the day again like we've got you covered. We are wheelchair accessible like we are just friendly people Who are really hardworking to and love what we do so if you are in the area and you WANNA learn more about us more about me please feel feel free to reach out a communication connection DOT com? Wow that was awesome. I love the talk about your team. So complimentary to me. That is huge bridge and again. If somebody doesn't fit maybe with you maybe there's somebody else in your office that they could fit with but again couldn't fit with cory. I mean you're you're really nice and got you outside the office a lot of cap photos. I'm sure right and a lot of lot of movie posts outside of theaters. Okay things in now so so I'm GonNa roll the die for you. It is by the way we'll send you a picture Off Air but it is in North Carolina Blue Cup so so it is. It is pretty bad out here so I didn't realize you were Jayhawk. Gary did not tell me that added time. That could have changed our whole dynamic by the way so oh I hope that maybe. I've helped with that a little bit. I might need to see a therapist about that because there was one game in particular in the final four that Carolina got stomped by Kansas. And my buddy and I shared a different friend as names Jason. So shout out to Jason We call it the silent game because it was the game that I literally sat and watched in silence and my wife actually thought we had fallen asleep watching the game because we were so quiet. So there's that my wife gets a shout out as well so we're gonNA roll free so you're not here. Ah 'cause you're in Kansas so so this is game. We like to call senseless It's just a fun little game. We play to end the show with and so I wrote for for you. You got a number six so you're gonNA have to take my word for it but you you got a number six so good you should. You should be able to trust me just like each gesture therapist. So just I'm just saying so dinner with one person dead or alive. WHO WOULD BE SEAN? Astin Sean Astin. Yes because Lord of the rings and Stranger things and fifty states and he just seems like a really nice person at the goonies by the way I need my movie. Buff thank you okay. So goonies is just up the road from US sort of we're in Oregon and so you know there's a what is it. A story is am my read on that great thank you. I need trump with that so a story is is kind of up the road from US but their houses. Actually you can't even go to it anymore because someone else owns it and there's a whole story but there are social media campaign people going there. Anyway it's a big thing. So Sean Astin. So you're big fan of him. Yes like he's like the list like I wouldn't wouldn't can girl out of like anybody like I could probably made any therapist except I'm not their best celebrity but him if I if I met him I think I would like do the whole fan girl thing. He's like the person for me. The celebrity go to dinner or be good at dinner we would go someplace local or you just dead matter. Yeah he's buying so yeah. We're just go to Jack. Steakhouse like go get some barbecue band. He's paying so. Yeah there you go. Thanks so much for coming on I really do appreciate it and I thought you had a Lotta great insight and I don't think you have to feel bad about talking about yourself. You know I mean that's good it every now and then right eye hundred percent is I'm working through completely right. I'm just saying you know and I'm excited about not only degrees but I just WanNa wish you all the best in in getting your doctorate. I mean that's that's impressive. I mean I was telling some of my my fellow friends friends and coworkers today about you know having you on and talking about all your degrees and all of that and they were like what does she have time to do. I'm like I don't no no but she makes it work so she's given us some time which I always appreciate as well so that last word last word goes to you. What would you like to end with? I'll give you the last word can sort of cable I mean. Thank you so much for having it on having neon and high again Garrett thanks to a for US waving uh-huh metaphorically wave back so what I would want to end with is just maybe to remember that every awful thing that you have been through whether you've ever thought her you've ever felt was temporary and so even your scariest most self deprecating thoughts. It's happened but then at some point they stopped having our brains are not made the break late. Our bodies are made to get through really really hard things and I remember saying on facebook like one of those names on day that said you have a one hundred percent success rate of getting through hard things and that is a hundred percent true. We can rely on that statistic and so whenever you're feeling really stressed or overwhelmed or just not okay remember that it is temporary n even though right now you don't feel okay you will see locate okay soon and we can rely on that statistics I would. I would like to end with that. That's awesome and we always like to say when you walk in other people's shoes you really really do get a different perspective on life and so I want to thank my guest warmer time Corey go check out of work guys. If you're in the Kansas area her just say Kansas for me by the way but if you're in the Kansas area or even if you're hearing this and you're thinking you know what maybe it would be worth a consultation. Please contact her. She could probably probably direct you through her network of channels to find. Maybe somebody in your area that that she would feel confident sending you to or maybe she can even do some phone consultations with you as well. I'm sure they can work that out now as well but again I want to thank my guest so much please go check them out. Communications and connections DOT COM Corey. Thank you so much again for coming on this. Of course I has been other people's shoes. Thank you so much for joining us on other people's shoes. Of course you know. I'm your host Neal Matthews. I gotta be honest. Today's episode was so exciting gene. So intriguing inquiry gave us so much information. I really appreciate what she shared the biggest takeaway from you was divorced. Statistics that she shared that was mind. Boggling going to me that maybe bill and so Some unique perspective on that for sure either way. It is still time to participate in our prickly pear if gift card giveaway so if you'd like to be part of that stay tuned for this. Because here's our special announcement on that and now for prickly tear announcement. Hey we all got to eat right. Why not go to to thirty seven North Park Street in Medford and visit the prickly pear there? You can sink your teeth into the coupons sandwich or the mouth. Watering cinnabun. Both crowd favorites. The prickly pear does K ARY for work launches. Harvey's holiday parties and weddings the prickly Peres open from eleven. The three Monday through Friday. Follow the prickly pear on instagram under prickly pear five four one and also like them on facebook under prickly pear the prickly pear. You'll be there satisfied. Doesn't that sound delicious. I don't know about you but I gotta get myself down to the prickly pear to take part in that Gift Card giveaway. It's pretty simple apple. Google facebook it'd be picture of yours. Truly you'll matthews in agenda Radzi comment below that with the HASHTAG quickly for one. You can do the same thing on Instagram at opium. PODCAST show on Instagram Hashtag prickly pear five four one on twitter little different. We're under at people's shoes. Of course I hashtag prickly pear by four one. Stay tuned next week as we welcome in a very special guest in probably the best guest of the season according to Garrett that is stay tuned for Daniel Craig for happiness and progress. She is an amazing guest. You'll won't want to miss that. Merry Christmas to you until next week. Remember when you walk in other people's shoes as you really do get a different perspective on life you so much and have a great week.