Trump and Pelosi's "Meltdown" Insults & Gordon Sondland's Bombshell | Taika Waititi

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

Comedy Central's World News Headquarters in New York. This is the daily show with Trevor Noah ears you're listening to comedy central October Seventeenth Two thousand nine hundred ninety this has been a comedy central podcast let's start things off talking about the miracle of life and why it's so creepy the parents do thank you it is known for his work on mobile store movies and and what we do in the shadows phenomenal film tonight urge to Blobs they can transmit knowledge to each other experts call it one of nature's mysteries okay that sounds like the beginning of a horror movie at least two thousand years old okay that sounds like the beginning of a horror movie maybe there's a reason these twenty coffins were sealed try shut up and open them and by the way a quick shout out to the guy who owned the coffin store in ancient Egypt can we just give him props coffins were stacked inside a large tube and they were sealed an intact amazingly their colors and carvings have not faded despite being the blog has seven hundred twenty sexes can move without legs or wings and it heals itself if it's cut in half it has no brain but is able to learn and if you here with a new comedy in which he plays I want to get this right Adolf Hitler Tyco Ytd's joining US tonight anathema serious new organism they nicknamed it the Blob it's yellow Eunice cellular small living being it looks like fungus but it acts like an animal Ah long to some big international news Egypt still has old things left to dig Oh bury people in an apple box basically yeah think about when they dig up our coffins in two thousand years there's going to be like man people in two thousand nine hundred broke ass bitches sounded like the news report everyone in the movie ignores ten minutes before the blob takes over the town and also what does that mean that the blood has seven hundred and twenty different sexes think about those coughing copies of loss of longer than any civilization ever onate some beautiful and they stand I mean these days keeping up with the news today you probably know that it was more chaotic than free cocaine day at Dave and buster's that was gonna be adorable she ran over his leg he ran over her heart but yes eating roadkill is now exploded into little pieces today it's probably because they saw this president trump is hosting a major meeting of world leaders next year at his Miami area twenty eight coffins in Egypt are being called one of the most important archaeological finds in recent years they were discovered recently along over the but thanks to a new law in California you can also get a drive over roadkill could soon be on the menu yes that's right roadkill it is what's for dinner now personally I'm disappointed because we had a whole show plan and it was going to be a great show we figured out who killed Jeffrey Epstein but we had says is a violation of ethics rules wow that is crazy the president is making world leaders hold giant event at his own resort then when I do it I'm desecrating the greed Luther Vandross like how is that fair right and finally when Hungary and on the go there's nothing better than the drive throw it all out the window because there was so much breaking news too much news in fact luckily though too much news is just the right amount of news for a segment we call a nobody joke wall comes to the White House a blob monsters taking over the world and do say Sloan is here to deal with Donald Trump so let's catch up on today's headlines Oh and also quick question how much time needs to poss- until it's acceptable to stop digging up dead people in losing their grapes because when these guys dig up coffins there archaeologists the normal day in normal presidency we would spend all our time talking about how shade is the trump is forcing world leaders to host the G. Seven summit at his golf club that he makes money from the BLOB say that we're the scientists like what are your pronouns on all of that and I know a lot of people see this and they get stressed like Oh my God governor Gavin Newsom has just signed this new bill into law Senate bill three ninety five would allow drivers who unintentionally fatally strike at deer elk yellow Blob is going to take over the world guys some yellow Blob with no brain isn't going to take over the planet because if it tries we have an orange blob with no brain that's going to fight it take it American leaders are storming out of the White House shortly after a House vote where more than one hundred Republicans joined Democrats condemning the president's abrupt withdrawal of us time for that with the government ethics expert and you wondering why their head resort and golf property next year's g seven summit will take place at the trump national Durell in Miami that move is raising questions about whether hosting this large event at one of the president's business storming out using the same language as Pelosi against her tweeting she had a total meltdown in the White House today it was very sad to watch pray for her where the stories I've ever seen because honestly I've never driven possed roadkill and thought I fondly it wasn't a crime I wouldn't eat a banana legal in California and owns seventy seven Oh was that illegal my bed and I'm going to like this is especially considering how he always brags about how he doesn't profit from the presidency but today's not a normal day and this is not an old presidency because while he's inviting foreign leaders to Miami Golf Club it really seems like there's nothing trump wouldn't do to profit of the presidency like I bet you he's going to be outside his own impeachment trial scalping tickets it's going to be standing outside there it's from Syria a heated confrontation inside the White House that clash between President Trump and top Democrats spilling out onto the steps of the west wing in local wild pig to take home and cook it it would also allow people who stumbled upon an animal carcass in the road can also keep it for food that is expected to help in California people are going to be taking dead animals home that's sounds like the beginning of a great romantic comedy I found on the floor you taking home dead deer actually you know what I would do if I wrote this long I would have added a pop that says if you kill an animal with your car you have to eat it so add that if you hit an animal but you died than animal gets to eat you believe people rules are rules all right that's it for the headlines Let's move on can you have to eat it yeah you see safe the highways would become who'd be like honey school down I'm not hungry slowdown and also just to be with the animals Turkey breaking news in Turkey the United States says it has helped to broker a five day ceasefire involving Turkish forces in northern Syria Vice President Mike Pence Turkey is very happy the United States is very happy and you know what civilization is very happy to great thing for civilization for each other remind me of remind me of those old church ladies who act really nice in public but then pray insult each other nobody like dear Lord please ask civilization is very happy centuries from now historians will look back at the greatest achievements of all time the development of democracy the invention of electricity and the time trump negotiate now one day started it seemed like we were going to spend our time talking about the beef between trump and the Democrats but we didn't have time to talk about the beef because the news broke about she is a very sick person okay I know you are but what am I like our trump is insulted he just steals I win win but unfortunately we don't have the time to talk about that because well Turkey is getting the Kurds out of Syria the Democrats trying to get trump out of the White House and today the latest old US officials to talk directly to his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani about US policy in Ukraine and he said he didn't know until later that Giuliani's agenda impeachment inquiry we're dropping bombs like he was invading the Middle East ten the impeachment inquiry Golden Sunland is a key witness and he's opening statement he said President Trump did someone leaves these files on the floor I'll get rid of it for you shoot rabbits now stay at trump's resort I don't trust him trust blake trump would probably sneak into your room to try to find dirt on Joe Biden like at the door like housekeeping acting chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney directly contradicting president trump on a quid pro quo with Ukraine saying hundreds of millions of dollars in US military aid was saying that he did put pressure on Ukraine but he didn't know it had anything to do with Joe by you see what he's doing he's trying to distance themselves from what trump did yeah he's tickets tickets who needs tickets to my impeachment best seats in the house come on your next to me and also if I was a world leader I wouldn't want in foreign policy okay. Holo trump has said on multiple occasions no quid pro quo of any kind now middle-aged Harry it and you know what if we have time we would be discussing how disingenuous it is of trump to claim that this is a peace deal when in fact the Kurds just got screwed over because the deal is really should cease fire basically started what a great achievement civilization they have five days to leave the land and then Turkey gets the land that's the deal yeah it doesn't sound like a deal it sounds like the kind of deal I had with my high school bully I would give him my lunch money and he would give me a black he had no idea that that meant Joe Biden he had no idea what that meant hundred Oh this is slick from sunland he's now is coming out saying that there was a certain type of quid pro quo but everyone must get over its that's just get over it everybody doesn't so this is club Turkey getting the greatest deal of all time no could pro quo but also could pro quo a showdown in the White House and we didn't even have time to tell you that Rick Perry who is tied to the whole Ukraine scandal even in one day nobody time for that we'll be right back I'm not going to get involved war between Turkey and Syria especially when if you look at the Kurds and again I say this with great respect then no angels we do consulted with zero shame like maybe this is how you trick them into getting out of the White House he just like I'm sick of you I resign no I'm sick of you I reside needed pushing Ukraine to investigate Joe Biden and he says that throughout this time he was working to to get Ukraine to advance an investigation into corruption in debris abruptly resigned today and you know what this might be the true genus of Donald Trump you realize with one scandal you get kicked out of office but with it was on the to withhold funding to the the look back to what happened in two thousand sixteen certainly was part of the things that he was worried about in corruption with that nation anger family conflicts. LGBT matters grief self esteem and more connect with your professional counselor in a safe and private online environment online counseling can help better help offers licensed professional counselors who are specialized in issues such as depression anxiety relationships trauma chat and text with your therapist if for some reason you are not happy with your counselor though you can request a new one at any time for no additional charge. Best of all self-expression came to live he came out and held a surprise press conference and shocked everyone in the room. We're following breaking news a truly stunning admission from the White House get out we shouldn't be over there these great people if there is something interfering with your happiness or preventing you from achieving your goals better help got isis where the ones that took care of it specifically me but they're great people and we have not forget we don't forget I don't forget let them twin hills community church is a fictional mega church in broad ripple Indiana in the backdrop for mega a completely improvised comedy podcast ears than simply fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get match with a counselor you'll love that's better help dot com slash ears Kevin magazine and the Apple podcast homepage it's been called the first comedy to succeed where so many others have failed in satirizing the church if you're a fan of I committed the double homicide but the real question here is you're going to be a little bitch about it how the person's dead nothing GonNa Change Now awed guests the daycare as we just saw the trump administration confusing what is the strategy what he had to break it all down in this whole impeachment scandal is our very own dosage slowed everybody aw it's a truly affordable option our listeners even get ten percent off your first month with the Discount Code ears so why not get started today go to better help dot com slash their own wars they fought with us before they died with us they died we lost tens of thousands of Kurds died fighting isis we were the ones that hilarious and unflinching comedy like Christopher guest movies or the office than mega is for you listen to make on spotify stitcher and wherever you get your Dan get help at your own time and at your own pace anything you share is confidential it's so convenient you can schedule secure video or phone sessions as well as yes that satirizes the inner workings of this fictional mega church each week host Holly Lawrence and Greg sit down with a guest comedian playing a character in the church Asian has been saying for weeks that there was no form of quid pro quo with Ukraine and then today Mulvaney said that there was a people should get over it there were not what are we doing so in twenty four hours in twenty hours we had trump hosting the g seven at his was that he got quid pro quos and different area codes me the strength to not this fool upside the head if I did Jesus please give this woman some sense before I whip her father she never had damage knowing how the fighting but they both say they're going to sumps chief-of-staff basically admitted to a quid pro quo how is this helping the he's just like Marvin not even trying to hide it Marvin but dog me from the Strip a good thing if trump wants out then America just should impeach him and then everyone gets what they want oh no impeach him so making the announcement today after meeting with Turkish president wretched air to one today in Texas president trump called the ceasefire an amazing outcome. The Kurds are very happy Sir tied to an investigation of Democrats in the two thousand sixteen election social demand for an investigation into the Democrats was part of the reason that he it is absolutely appropriate is quick profile we do that all the time with foreign policy and I have news for everybody get over it there's going to be political influence I'm Greg Kurds we're trying to help them a lot don't forget that's their territory that we have to help them I want to help them let them fight their own wars they've been fighting for a thousand years let them let me break it down trump doesn't wanna be president but he doesn't want to quit either because that would make him look bad so he's out here trying to get dumped wait we can't let up with America has to do the trump when I did the marvin make his life a living hail the past guests include Matt Walsh Scott Asset sesame strong thomas middle ditch and the sklar brothers mega has been featured in vulture the AV club realm locker room corruption is that what this is and I'm not GonNa lie this is a tourist I didn't see coming yeah it's like the murder suspect in the law and order episode confessing in the middle of the credentialing in the middle of the scene just being ah pulling a Marvin I'm sorry pulling Marvin is that a psychological term now Marvin is this dude I've been dating who wants to get out of our relationship welcome to the show so thank you very much I am a big fan of your work you have been making the president all the time we have to pray for his health this was a very serious meltdown on point the president president trump hitting back accusing Democrats go kick him out of the White House it's obvious he said America's just as bad as Russia he shows us the phone calls he made Ukraine then is boy came to the podium time we are children you see this little child who was born in Nazi Germany and he's only taught to be a Nazi and we like him because we sort of understand that he had club someone else's but if that's not asking to get your ass struck I don't know what it is okay we'll that means ITT even begin to pitch to a studio. Hey guys I'm GonNa make a movie about a young boy who is growing up in Nazi Germany and his imaginary friend is Hitler you say hey guys but I actually just ended up having to write the script that dual the talking for me rights it's a very hard thing to to pitch because totally shifts around the funniest films that we've had the pleasure of enjoying the cinema and go out Joe Rabbit is truly one of the strangest films people on Watch in an amazing way yeah the I told his boss goes to work drunk I poked holes in his water the guest tonight is a filmmaker from New Zealand he writes directs and Stars in the new movie Joe Rabbits please welcome we're in two thousand nineteen someone still has to make a movie trying to explain to people not to be a Nazi them it doesn't but that's the point this is what happens when you deal with trash asked dudes in the trash I've been through this before game here that you'd better break up with me take initiative congratulations I guess I smelled everybody AARP is the bad guy then he gets what he wants we can't let Marvin win I mean trump the show that's how you got to break up with you know we didn't break both too stubborn I'm marrying that piece of shit this I listen they were taught was to rebel against your parents. Don't listen to your parents what they try and tell you listen to us we now your father listen to us thing that we all know happened but what's really interesting is you'll commenting on something that that I think a lot of people don't talk enough about today in the world and that is how we are conditioned from the can you get your teachers and so if the parents on those times if you wanted to try and convince you your child w Nazi but he's trying to get me to break up with him that's who Marvin is and trump's just like okay we're all you think trump wants Americans the film about a young boy in Hitler youth most people that that's enough for me interested angry and then there's moments where you're like this feels like what's happening today you know you feel people who are radicalized and you go why do you have this hey why do you feel the way you do and they're like well that's all old got we were on call wish we had more time to go through ambassadors on on the school testimony because he had lots of say but Mick Mulvaney trump's chief of staff and like I didn't know was a bank robbery guys I just went in with my friends I gave

Coming up next