That moment of shame
Good morning how do you do. You know what we're doing we are. You know what's up. We are leaving to this morning and this is the bj jj report of sorts. It's more of a report from Cheese from work the other day. Where i left to the goal posts on facebook about this. But i figured i'd share here is well really the idea of how i had been Feeling shame and fear On a on a walk outside of work in a small town that i do most of my work in a and it was this is i had. I was sitting in work. And do they look at the lunch clock and be like you know. hey i could go grab some food. The local restaurant. Sit around and listen to everybody. Do the same things senior. Entire life snacking gabbing. Doing that thing where i could go find a place by the creek that runs by the small towns. That man maybe. I can find a real nice pleased to kinda just chill out and meditate and relax and So that's what i did and it was hot. It was hot as far. Who's like five eighty seven percent humidity. The good news was it was a a a real nice light breeze and i think it was. It was it was. It was also kind of heat where you taking. Your nose gets a bar right. Your nostrils get burnt from the inhalation. That's how hot it is. The the fun thing is is that you also get the really cool smells of summer and your news The the heat had been so bad. The grass had been burning. So there's like like hot grass on the air hot dry grass in the air. the clovers are kind of burning up to when there's still a few few clover flowers in the air. You can smell that. You smell that on the on the heat in your nose because it kind of burns your nostrils and the same thing said to is as i wrote this coupled with that you've got the smell of of the small town making burgers smell that smoke in the air and then he's got the whole wood wood fired. Pizza ovens going uppity Small town with what's Really good food and whatnot surrounded by This this walkway that goes down to the creek and the walkway creek. Is scott all your regular people out there. All your suburban Americans that are just doing the lunchtime walk. The lunch exercise walk and just kind of like on almost five script like this is the time everybody puts their shit down and goes for the walk Because you've got to be healthy and do all the things and then As as walk. And i've been looking to the side of the look into the side of the brush and shrubbery and noticed that i noticed that the wine berries are starting to become available. They don't typically you don't typically see him in a source And and if you've seen him on the side of the road. I'm sure you've seen these things. They are like these fuzzy cocoon looking things for longest time. Then at a certain point these super vibrant bright red raspberry looking things Begin to appear and we snack on them. We pick them up first of all. The outside zone were sticky. Almost if you've ever unpeeled Thomas there's a kind of a sticky residue on the outside of it and when you pop them take a bite of them. They had just Just tart tangy tastes real similar to real similar to Raspberry but just a little bit Brighter just like the color. Just a little bit brighter. And i was also just kind of amazing like wow nobody else sees things. You know I guess i'm more concerned about taking their dogs for a walk and picking up shit and just not in. Hello and sometimes i feel i just wanna be seen doing the thing that they're supposed to be doing. And and that's okay right. They should be encouraged for. Everybody should be encouraged for getting now being healthy and doing things that That could be instead of doing that. Walk they could be inside shoving their face with cookies or day drinking or something. So so i'll try not to be judgmental dick because this is virtual dope break ice and then You know kind of walking. I'm looking for this place that i could easily excess and hot down sitting next to the creek due to end twenty minutes. Worth of breath work Slash meditation pretty much. The same thing for me. I enjoy the breath work aspect of it. That is focused breathing as that will tend to allow me to just stop thinking seriously. Stop fucking thinking. And it's so. That's why i love it because get the opportunity. Simply focus on the breath In a pattern and takes your thoughts away from anything else that you have been thinking and so That's wonderful right and it could be good or bad thoughts straight up not thinking though For short period time. So i'm looking to do that. Next to a stream Just simply because that's what i want for the day and i couldn't find i couldn't find a spot easily. I'm walking. I see more people doing their thing. discovered that the luxury apartment complex. Said i was walking by was also just much larger than i imagined. Look in there like there's got to be thousands thousands of people living like right on top of each other Day after day luxury or not just just thousands of people krant into the scene in my mind like i'm thinking of member in the matrix. We're literally from person on top persons back until this energy scene and all they're doing is feeding into the system right This is the energy battery source for the system. That's of course what goes through my mind. I'm not sure we're going to see your so. I continue continue to walk and continue to look like this and up ahead Around the corner of the band. I can see. There's a tunnel. And i know and it looks like it's leaning in or towards The creek and as i walk up this beautifully pay beautifully manicured apartment complex. That all ends at this This train overpass The past stops in terms of being paved maintained. And it's overgrown right here. And i talked to myself as as i looked at this this underpass Into the overground territory. And i knew that if i had been with Meg that she would get no. We're we're we're turnaround here for since it wasn't with magazines by myself and just simply being curious and still wanting to get this Get this meditation. And i walked through the underpass and Look around as you go through there. You see the the the k. Over the the years of this once brand new bridge this once This one time under overpass for train had been brand new had van Something that was considered Vital necessity to continuation of of transportation and at the same time new architecture that went into an engineering went into it. And here was this kind of left behind the lapetite. It unmaintained Graffiti house making fun and just call shit or even the even the graffiti was Subpar and as you walk through. There's no pavement. It's just a compact. Damn there littered with broken glass and drug bags and whatnot and just kind of wondering what what stories would be told. Good bad otherwise As you pass through that tunnel and on the other side of that tunnel wasn't embankment. And i knew that right over the other side of that embankment and it had to be the creek so i climb up the creek a little bit and Finally there's the there's the creek. It's nice flat space. And i start the start to look around for an area to sit down meditate and just grab some time. Just grab some time to to recoup regather and like. I said get to that space where i'm not thinking at all. Just focused on breathing focused on that feeling this her meeting my body as i breathe life feeling it repeatedly as i breathe and as i'm looking for that spot i can't Catch some movement. And there's a person i don't even know if it was man or woman. Be honest we there's a person who is Washing their body in the creek and at that time i decided Either fear or shame that i caught this person as afraid maybe of how this person may react. What type i and this may be Did i feel comfortable. Close my eyes around this person to meditate. Obviously i don't think i did and then seem and feeling that way and as i turned away not to go find the police i thought my a little bit more conducive well and to give that person to space and the decent seats They could finish what they were doing and privacy to had sought. That's face so that they could have a private moment. And i felt that they deserve that. Respect to to have that. And as i turned and walked up to the little more Kind of run out of time in terms of. Can i get the meditation that i want in time to get back for my next call. My next meeting and So i don't have to walk very far. And i noticed that in the overgrowth. There's what looks like you know. Somebody's belongings like maybe a rolled up federal In a clearing where. Somebody's obviously been. Just that's where they stay. Right wasn't even a tent or anything but it was a clearing where somebody had. A few of their belongs and Whenever they felt like they need to regroup or in the day that's what looked like to me where they ended their day. And it's like you know what at this point I don't know. I don't know what's down here. I just seen another person Pass me on the other side and to be honest we look it was a. It wasn't a safe place right. Did not feel safe where i could go ahead and close. My eyes rushed for a little bit. Put my phone down type of thing. And so i I took a walk around. Check out the train tracks. And i left less space but i left that space again. Just wondering Why did i feel this way. What what was it. That was making me feel that sheen. What was it made me feel that fear of of someone else in humanity. Why didn't i instead of instead of running away from him offer him something. Why didn't i ask them. If there was something i could do him or her again. I don't know what it's funny because the stories in my mind that played out were not savory stories into me it was just kind of like are these simply old stories from society that played out over over time they created this condition even though i never lived that specific condition myself. And so that was me just simply feeling some shame and then i was also reminded of the idea that the university benevolent universe and that When we take on this kind of mindset when we take on this mental model of the universe benevolent and we start to try to extend that beyond ourselves and apply to somebody that we see outside of ourselves In this example that person that had to be washing the creek at that time. I can't apply that ma. I don't know what model that person hasn't void themselves. A and b. i need to recall. That model can only be in place for myself. I can't apply that model to somebody else for them. And then there's also the whole idea and this is you know playing out in. My head is on walking back looking for a couple more berries. We've in the more grinning people that are picking up dog shit and and look for berries and trying not to get strong and being hot and humid on as i'm walking back to my desk and it's The idea of this mental model. This model is. I can't have a mental model for you and i can't tell you the the grand scheme of things that moment in that story that i made up. That was actually a bad experience for that person that that that that over all life experiences and what that person needed to to become is that is that moment for that person was that their rock bottom as it were were they stand and reflect and as they've rinse off they say fuck it. I'm not gonna take it anymore. I'm not gonna give up on myself clean myself up. I'm going to get into the next place. And i'm gonna do the thing that i always said. I was gonna do and take charge of my life. So i had to kind of reflect on that all mental models as as Regardless of regardless of how you ended up turn it there was still that moment where there was shame where there was fear. And it's when we think don't shy away from those thoughts and we inspect where those thoughts are coming from that we can get ourselves into a place of strength. How can we use those thoughts and those feelings and those emotions to fuel us to the place that we wanna be Maybe the next person that i sees is is Instead of running fear do ask. You know he help you. What can i do for you Instead of running and turning right and and using of course and this is again the narrative our best judgment Does that person feel like they need help for they. Happy where they are no idea. So i felt like i would share that with you verbally. As that was a a recent experience that i'd had it It just again made me look at look at what was making me feel chain. What was making me feel fear. Why was i feeling that and in looking at that i was able to gain a lot of strength from that moment all right until next time. Hopefully this has been You know powerful piece those fearful for you can always file. We're looking for Inside ourselves so long as we don't stop looking.