Audioburst Search

Pastrami-mami with Jeff Ross

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

Hey welcome to be endless honeymoon. Podcast I'm your host Natasha Lazaro. On her assistant my name's. Moshe casher episode fifty three of the endless honeymoon. Podcast and we are coming to the end of the road. Don't you think that people were kind of getting to the end of people's ability to stay indoors I feel like more and more people are like scrambling to find a way? Yeah I I read about some ice cream shop in Connecticut. That like opened up for day and people were so mean and rude because they weren't used to being in public for weeks shop manager had to like post on social media that they were closing again. For how bad everyone behaves. Do there was a restaurant in Colorado. That was in the news today that they opened for mother's Day in defiance of the closure order and they were like. We didn't just have a good mother's Day. We did double the business of a normal mother's Day people are like you know what? Give me Co vid. I'm down to die in order to get out so I kind of knew this was going to happen by the way I've always kind of suspected the what would I kind of suspect that the government knows it too that the quarantine thing was never designed because human beings truly can't stay indoors forever. I mean they just beyond the economic implications of people are starting to like scramble. And go crazy I really think the quarantine orders were in order to to to soften the blow as much as they could to give the hospitals a chance to get the the first wave of covert patients in and out the door sometimes unfortunately In in a bad way in order to get them the second can and I don't mean the literal second way but just in order to get some of the numbers down and catch up and I think that I think were in California. We've done a pretty good job of that but you're starting to see people are fucking starting to crack up. Dude I mean I'll tell you specifically the Former young people in alcoholics anonymous a community of San Diego California. If my facebook is any judge is the center of the Cova Truth or community. I mean it's so funny. What do you say? Republicans and hippies. It's one hundred percent. The Cova troopers are broken down into trump voters and like anti VACs hippies. It's so funny like that that however far you drift if you get far enough on the fringe you meet your enemy out there just like oh. I guess we're friends. I mean this fucking plan. Democ documentary the amount of people that I met in. Aa Conventions. Engines in San Diego. When I was like seventeen that are sharing this plan. Democ documentary from the from the bowels of San Diego. I'm like what is it about Sandiego specifically that these people that were like the last time I checked in with them was like. We're like Hari Krishna. Juicers and like working at a tattoo shop are now like due to dog. The oldest. Who's working for Dr Fell? She was put into an internment camp. And there's no free to tell her tale. It's just like okay. Why do you? Why are you the person that I should listen to not the the medical community? I should listen to you ten years ago. You were a failure. Now you've what you've caught up in you you've woke you've read. You've taken a red pill on the beaches of San Diego speaking of the beaches of San Diego by the way and speaking of cracking up and needing escape the beaches in California are on fire right now and I snuck to a beach in the middle of the night recently but I was socially distant. I was far away from everybody. Technically this was illegal but I went out to the ocean. It's glowing blue right now. There are bio luminescent fido plankton in the water and when the waves crash it turns fucking blue and jumped on my surfboard and I paddled out. I've never experienced anything like it and was a peak experience. It was an unforgettable. I will never forget it for the rest of my life experience when I would paddle in the water. There would be a glow. A trail of glowing. So where do people go? They WANNA see this. You can't go. It's illegal today off the beaches be responsible covert but anyway. What I did was I went out. I could see fish in the water swimming but not I couldn't tell I couldn't see the fish I just saw the trail and when I would splash the water. It was like broke a glow stick open. You're like Ariel. I was exactly like I wanted to be a real girl. You're like a mermaid. I was exactly was Merman for one night. I was Merman and it felt so good and it reminded me just being in the ocean after after. All this time reminded me like. Oh there's a world out there we're going to get back to the world there will be. We will be back to the world right before climate change at all for the world ends. There's a world that's ending out there. We got to give back to quit because it's getting hot out there. I'll tell you what though when I was on the beach like I'm standing there and this like family sets walking toward me and I'm like hey like we're on the beach in a quarantine. I'm standing by myself. Obviously I don't want you walking towards me like and then I was telling my brother about that. And he's like well. There's no real risk if you're outdoors and they were. I mean they were six away the whole time but I was like. It's not about actually getting the virus. It's about the boorishness of people walking toward me. But then I was thinking to myself like it's not really normal. Is it that my instinct when a person walks towards me to be re re repulsed like when a human being when I see a human being edged towards me I'm like Oh get the fuck away from reveals in is not a good feeling no especially just for humans any human any person. I don't accept you and our kid like I don't want him like the idea of hugging my brother right now. Sound simultaneously like nice or my mom sound simultaneously nice or Claudia Schiffer Sunset Simultaneously Nice or grinds I don't know why grind or baby her weirdly name baby. It sounds like listening nice and horrible. I can't imagine hugging someone. That isn't in my bubble. Do you feel that way? I sometimes had dreams. I don't know have James. I'm hugging people. Wait what are just like saying hi to friends and let me walking. I don't know just people are just getting that feeling them being like. Oh I can't do that like waking up thinking that I know you main. I'm just kidding I have those dreams to just like your. It's like a relapse dream you know an AA. You would have that when you get sober. You all of its. Every dream is the same socks. Actually because you have this dream where you're like you are using but you don't get to experience the fun of being high. You just have the guilt of having relapsed and then you wake up. It's like the shittiest thing in the world. But it's kind of like that. It's like you're not getting the love for me was like you're not gonna the beauty of embracing your mom. You're actually just getting the like no. I just got mom cove it. Wait you have James about embracing your mom. I don't know what you're who the fuck are you embracing said fucking Morrissey who do you embrace in your dreams? I gotTa pay more attention. I don't know just a feeling I'm GonNa wake you up in the middle of the night tonight. The other things like our neighbors. Would we do their neighbors tonight? They wanted to do group. Karaoke or neighbors invited us to do Karaoke in the street. They brought the sanitized wireless Mike and they set up karaoke station and they were singing. Karaoke and it was kind of too bad because they had technical issues and they had worked so hard they set up disco balls on top of their house and like there was a screen that we could read the lyrics of. I was so excited to do it. There was we just needed to get the Mike thanks. We're going to get it worked out. But how does that We're perfecting it couple. Couple O- couple of white. I would say middle aged adults the in the middle of their street singing Karaoke. I mean that s some real. That's when you know the neighborhood has been gentrified when there's two couples singing Karaoke in the street. Well sorry about that everybody but it is nice kind of try to get back to normal like just even the little inklings of normal that I felt. Have you felt anything like that for a bike ride? You bought a bike. I know but now I need to go out more. Would you mean like I feel a? I don't like going out in a mask ochre so I don't really WanNa go outside lake. I don't really WANNA go on walks but you went for a bike ride to back. I did resume pass people. You told me you were having fun on that bike ride. I had an amazing time on the bike ride but that was just once saying up to a family and spit on them and say covert right off. That's what you told me. No but I'm saying in general I have found. It's been hard to leave the house because of the stress of the mask are just to walk the dogs around the block or something and the mask and like I don't know I just I just. The thing is stressful to me so I find that I don't get out enough. You're saying tonight the kids she wants to touch every single thing and then she's like trying to put like metal a metal fence in her mouth and I don't know I feel like tonight. We went out to do the Karaoke thing and our kid came out. She was like barefoot and an unkempt and in a tie-dyed shirt and she was jumping up and down and running on the sidewalk and in the grass and trying to sing along to the Karaoke and grabbing the Mike and Banging on a drum. And I was like this is what you're supposed to be experiencing as a little kid. You know like our neighbors said off classic California Toddler Barefoot tie-dyed Shirt and I was just like yes. This is what I was doing like. You're supposed to be out and experiencing the world not like trapped in your in your compound but we're doing what we have to do right now but I do. I just like I can feel that were. The walls are are going to crumble. The walls of quarantine will crumble. There's no way around that eventually. They will crumble. And the government will Will open things back up because it's going to happen and then we're GONNA have to figure out what happens next. sounds stressful. It's all stressful living in stressful times. Our parents had Kinda easy didn't they? They had like the least stressful years in modern. Memory he goes I World War One before World War One it's all just like a a morass of horrid and then it's like World War One World War Two the Cold War and then like the and then things kind of calm down a little bit and then from like the seven from like seventy to like this year in this country. Things were like slightly chiller like the nineties. Were very boring. Missile Nineties. Yeah that was. That was nice although there was gang violence and lots of killing and you know what the irony. Oh you mean like that. Like Courtney love grunge. I don't give a fuck disaffected like like detachment. Yeah right yeah. It's harder to be that way now. Yeah dislike you know being? Just sort of nihilistic. Yeah I guess I guess you don't have the option to be nihilistic right now because people are dying although you know what these. Cova troopers maybe. I gave him short shrift. They're pretty fucking nihilistic. You know there's like fuck it. I'm down to kill my grandparents. If it means I can go deep sea fishing. I gotta get out there if I if I can't get a cheeseburger. I'm willing to sacrifice my grandma for cheeseburger. Well that is nihilism. Wait so the Kovic truckers. What are they upset about though or late but I mean like it's GonNa open up in a few weeks. They just wanted to be opened up opened up now. Yeah they don't WanNa rights are being trampled upon but more than that. They think they're being trampled upon for something that isn't real or Israel and was started in the lab in China and They released on purpose or it isn't real or they're inflating the numbers. I mean there's like so many different swirling narratives at once that inflating the death numbers actually in the people that die of and then they think like oh. No one dies of the flu anymore. I mean I read this list of questions I have for the for the assed Cova establishment today and it was just like every you want me to read it. Every one of them was stupider than the last. You want me to read it. I'll do it. I mean you gail a Redo the list of I think it was nineteen questions I have. Don't they don't read. I'm reading all nineteen okay. Every single one of them is getting read. So buckle up for a seriously long intro to this podcast. 'cause it's about boggle your mind. Oh it's gone. Is Vin deleted? I'm not reading it. That's how fucked up this information. Is they write up fucking facebook post. And then it gets flagged by facebook. And they're like actually. You're going to kill senior citizens with this post so point all right. Well look you just got spared quite an intro but you know what is probably good because we have a great guest today. Oh I'm so excited. Let's call him now because you know it's getting late. Let's do it You know he's He's been on every roast. He's got multiple netflix specials and comedy central specials. He's one of the sweetest and meanest Comedians in the game. The legendary Jeff Ross. Hey tosh I've noticed something about you recently. Despite the fact that we are in quarantine you are still looking like your titties are well supported. Well thank you. That's because I've been wearing third love. Third love are designed to fit you not the other way around their bras right. Hey our bras just wanted to make sure you knew that. Designed with measurements for millions of women and their bras are made to fit your life. They have over over eighty bra sizes including half sizes but know that the only one that matters is yours. You take a test online. I've taken the test. I did not qualify actually game back with an error message saying please log off our website but you take a test so that they give you your exact Abroa- size and you they'll fit like a glove believe me. I'm looking at my wife right now. It's looking really nice. Bras believe in. Every bra is backed by their perfect fit. Promise you have sixty days to wash it and where it. If you don't love it you can return it for Free. And they also believe giving back. They donate all their gently used bras to women in need to take the fit finder quiz. Get a great comfortable quality broad. That is hands down the most comfortable one that you will own. Third Lab knows is a perfect Bra for everyone. So right now they're offering our listeners. Fifteen percent off their first order go to third love dot com slash honeymoon now to find your perfect bidding bra and get fifteen percent off your first purchase. That's third love dot com slash honeymoon for fifteen percent off today. Hey Jeff I'm Oh how you doing. Oh man this is crazy. The last time I was at a party I think might be your Hanukkah party. I don't think we're doing parties anymore. Jeff I think that's kind of the end of that. This is our party I open a catering business so it's like that doesn't even exist anymore. Neither does the stand up comedy business too. If you're two for two we're GONNA come back but you know he's not going to come. Back is a close up magician there. What do you envision over what he? What do you envision is a standup show Come back how how's IT GONNA look Well as we all experiences. We're starting out is you know. Audience is small so I don't ever want to go back to that. I'd rather stay home and either find something else to do or or be broke and perform for like social distance audiences. I thought wouldn't it be silly? I thought you were saying you. Didn't you'd rather stay home and be broke than ever perform to audiences less than the thousands of people you currently perform for. No WELL WE PERFORM FOR NOBODY. So if you tell me all right you can perform every night for forty people sitting ten feet apart. I'm like all right. I'd rather just call your podcast and stay home and do other write a movie. I was thinking. Jeff here's my idea for a live show or the first one out. There's a drive in movie theater about forty five minutes away from La we do. We do a big do a big show. Everybody comes in their car and instead of hearing laughter. They just honk their horns. Are you love that that I would do that anything? Once I've been on the back of trucks performing desserts in war zones like I'll perform on zoom outperform. I don't give a shit. Have you done zoom so yet? I've just a zoom like showed up at friend's parties so I like it because I could scout everybody out without them knowing it. That's nice as a roaster. That's really good. You get the kind of sniff out everybody's weaknesses for a extended period of time and then attack. When I've got them all revved up in my chamber I can say all right mute me unleash the roast master. Jeff Mute this mother. Jeff you've been doing these instant INSTA- roasts and you made fun of Cova patient who is on a ventilator right. He told me he said he said brand. Just make me laugh please. I don't know if it's I mean it was. I saw Jeff. It was beautiful. It was hilarious. It was touching. It's it was exactly what you do. Which is like sweetness through through roasting. But I was also concerned with making a person with an upper respiratory. Pneumonia situation laugh too. That's a good idea. Well you're right. Because he died did he know he's it was actually a nice connection. Because I asked the fans like and I put it on instagram. Like looking for the guy because these people come up on my instant roast randomly so he was a one in a million or one thousand chance of and then he's sitting there in a New York hospital on a respirator waiting for help and you arrived. Yeah then I arrived to To try to give them some levity but also like you have fans like salivating. Waiting for a roast. So I can't even remember what I said but I think it had something to do with. How ugly he was. I'm sure the mask didn't help at all but I kind of no not at all. I've got a better at a rough time with the Kobe. And using the hospital for a while. And now he says he's doing better and he actually watched the INSTA- roast with the nurses he said and they really last a lot so I felt good myself. That's really sweet. I'm Kinda depressed. Jeff thought that like you would have like a really positive attitude towards comedy and you would say it'll back in like fuck it it's over. I just enrolled an online law school. I'm divorce attorney now if anybody any listeners. If they would've put an end to their endless honeymooners. Siham meal some legal the way things are going Jeff. We might be calling you for some of that advice as well. Not just as a podcast. Got The torch the torch master general coming in the legal brief master general. Wait so jeff your quarantining alone. Now I'm here with my girlfriend and two dogs. Yeah you found a German shepherd on the street in Hawthorne what's founder and we. We almost got a German shepherd. We tried to buy German shepherd from a weird Russian woman that promised us they would attack anybody that looked at funny but then in the end. We've got a little scared. Yeah no we. We traced her whole thing and she was a movie dog she was she was. She tortured a terrorist and zero dark thirty now. She's retired really your dog has an MD PhD. She's just a you know we actually thought she was really old and lamps and she's blind but but As we kind of take take her in our house in our hearts. I feel like she's getting younger. She's getting stronger and her name is Rona Corona. So that's very sweet here in inviting this love and tear life this new responsibility so she was so gross That we had the the the groomer came in charged US double. She had like flies and our regular dog. Luna was so mad at us for bringing this homeless crack whore into her ballots. Are you noticing any of the Telltale German shepherd signs like like ultimate loyalty and suspicion of strangers. She Barks Jeers. Oh that's an even more traditional terms. Well you're that might not work out really well. Yeah but I I. I've I've seen her. She hasn't had she hasn't been like we you know. I'll put it this way. My girlfriend has a Dutch shepherd right. Who's eight years old? Who's in really good shape? And she's a greatest song ever and But my girlfriend's a vegetarian so she's never had stocks. Never had Toshi met me so now she thinks I invented this. I mean you you're a do so that's close enough isn't it? You introduce Pastrami and I have gone back to the same Deli for the Pastrami Sandwich. Unit is to five times. I love that good and you know what it's made life better. We really never had Pastrami met Jeff. Yes he was at Largo and he had the sandwich and I couldn't stop eating and he told me it was from green bats and it was Pastrami and I've gone back many times over the years for it wasn't this year. No is a couple of years ago anyway. The point is all right. Well Jeff Destroying Bobby. Yeah now you know what to have in bed on. Mother's Day I was just GonNa want to keep your fucking Pastrami away from my wife. Dude I destroy me Well Jeff. Thank you for letting. Us call you and reach into your quarantine We love you. We miss you and we thought maybe you could help us. We do advice calls and people call in. They've got issues and we try to help solve them and you can also roast them if you want. Well that might have to happen. Because I can't really say that I'm GonNa be a relationship expert. So neither are we could get if they can get through me. Maybe you can help. Give them some some hell. Let's do it we're going to. We're going to how Dana in Austin you're going to hear a second of Silence Jeff and then we will be connected. Jeff Still Connected Olen Dana. Can you hear us? I can hear you pretty well. Okay far away but I got it. We'll we'll try to get closer. What's happening so my issue is that I met this man named Charlie on a niche fetish website about a year ago The men on this site are willing to spend money to establish relationship or friendship with the women on the site They sometimes by content like photos or videos or send us money via email or other payment ass bias stuff off our wishlist Charlie specifically stated that he was looking for a real relationship and not something transactional so I made him think. I was interested in him when I really only wanted his money And now almost a year later. I am actually interested in him and I don't know how to move forward with something real after my initial deception. Okay I have some questions. What's what's the niece. I have some questions and you have weekends. 'cause I'm I'm looking for a assistant for my Production Company Jeff. You don't even know what the niches yet. I don't feel comfortable answering that because it's such a specific thing that I feel go without like our communities really small man we can we guess towards it or like how Nisha Nisha like white panties and he liked has a flashlight and looks up your panties. I now I think if it's not I don't know if not grocer weird if that helps. Is it like a weird? If you won't tell there's four of us but it's not that weird it's it's definitely something into okay. Maybe it's weird. Okay well you just give us a hint. Give us a hint. It's not. I'm already nervous. Because she said yeah I I honestly I feel like that people would be able to tell me if they found out and that I would get in trouble so I don't want to say okay. Okay okay fine so you won't tell us what the fetishes upper body or the lower the whole body okay. So you've already said too much. I know exactly what it is. Well we go Sunday. Jeff guesses the freak great. I'm a free like you like to You like to Scans your vagina as fax it to somebody so you read in your book. It's kind of like a period piece Technology very cool. Natasha got a guy. Let me get let me guess again. Let me guess again. He liked to host an dead show. from a hot And your fiancee is the CO host. But you invite strange men in just for weird kicks. Jeff that was. That's you're describing an experience we had together. I'm trying to get data. What Jeff if you want Dana to open up to us all you have to do is pay her spend some money on her wishlist on Amazon. Open right up. I think it has to do with pain. I think that she likes like like some kind of like pins or some kind of like like a pleasure. It's pure like hedonism a okay. Okay okay thank you like to dress like characters from success succession. Is he getting closer on on my phone? Yeah all right so you won't tell us I'm Dana. Let me ask you this. What if what? If what if I gave? You my word that we would beep beep it out and and you say it and we won't refer to it but it will give us context and an ability to make fun of you but we won't we I promise you. Can you can sue me for. I've got a lot of money but between me different you can sue jeff. Raw Jeff is a very very successful producer and comedian. If we this out yes I promise you we will be out I promise. Okay I'll say okay I for money. Wow very good gig. That sounds that is a good gig. Dana I gotTa Tell Ya its nice work if you can get it because I don't know if you know this but Jeff. Natasha and I we all that off camera for free. We don't even get paid so that's pretty well. Okay so almost all I think about the idea together as a kink is like the greatest thing I've ever heard. Don't worry we'RE GOING TO BE. Don't you worry we're beeping ever okay? I promise I promise Fleet Jeff that really turns you on. It does not know Jeff. Yes well yeah because beyond best. What are the best fantasies I ever was but getting job? Kill on site. You Still Way Dana that something. Can I leave? Jeff's fantasy in this is getting really complicated okay. Wh wh what. We're getting somewhere here. Okay I have to say something to Dana. Here's the thing. If you have feelings you have feelings and you have to follow those feelings. It doesn't matter in the beginning you were using someone or I'm sure we're I was kind of using motion for sex when I first met him. What really I mean. I don't know it's like relationships can evolve so if you're finding yourself with new feelings for someone there's nothing to be ashamed of. Follow the actually. That's true now that I think of it. I was using you for something else and it was your financial success. And nothing's changed. That's right that's right. I'm just trying to get my bills. Paid Dana. I puff puffing is though if if I can just be candid that I I lead him like. He thinks that we are in a long distance relationship. And that we're GONNA meet after this crisis and that we're going to be partners and stuff so I let it go really far because I was trying to get something from him which is Super Shitty of me and I understand that So I'm at the point now where I'm actually developing feelings. I'm not sure if they're real so much as like you're getting desperate life. Do I have feelings for him? Because he's like saved me in this pandemic or do I have feelings for him because I actually like him. And it's IT'S A Y. We'll here's the thing. Women are changing right now. We all want like you know we need help now. There might be another pandemic. So you know we're looking for some A life raft bright. And we're all we're all kind of like trying to partner up every single is. I don't want to ever do one of these alone again. So maybe people are starting to think differently. And maybe you're thinking that he might be a guy that you would wanna do that with. I mean I think here's the good news I think you there's first of all you didn't do anything. Shitty. It's like that's you engaged with him in the first place on a transactional basis on a website. Even if he said I'm looking for for real love here on this sex work website I don't think you'll be I know but I don't think that means you're beholden to pretend that you weren't there as somebody at work there but now that's changed. I guarantee if this person if you go to this person and say you know what I I was. Kinda faking it but now I'm starting to feel like I'm really developing feelings. There's no possibility that he won't be excited by that. And if he isn't excited by that well then do you want to be in a relationship with someone. The can't handle you being honest with them. No you don't that kills. Yeah you WANNA Jeff. Let's well it's good advice. Marsh and I mean he'll already knows I mean he paid you so he knows that part and now he's around you twenty four seven. I imagine a lot more 'cause so it's not the feel guilty. You should be you got to know him. You took the time to get to know each other how you met a lot of people meet at work. I mean essentially you met him at work And now you've got to know each other and I think it's a natural progression I I don't think it should be. I don't think it's weird and and I think if you're honest with them are you honest with him on other aspects of your life in general. Yeah I mean the so this is the thing that I do regularly and have done for a while. And he's the first person that I've ever talked about my family with or about like I lost my main source of income because of this crisis show. I'm like doing you know like he's mailing work together. And he's really encouraging about that. And he's the first person that I've ever been myself with scientists task but your regular a Gig promoter at Like for an indie record label. So I'd go around like like clubs and bars and stuff during shows does your does your record label know that you do this other fun stuff on the side. Now I mean I don't I don't tell anyone Because I feel like that they would be horrified by it. I there's nothing horrifying about it. It's so specific and cute that it's it's almost put it in the amusing category rather than the Raunchy category. But listen. I look your your. Your situation is obvious what you need to do. Just fess up to how you're feeling and and it's okay to be honest. Oxygen is the best disinfectant and Look Jeff just came out of his comfort zone. All he wants to do is make fun of you and break you down and he just gave you really good advice. Got Jeff that you'll definitely get through to this person. Okay Good Luck Dana. Thank you so much a huge fan. Thank you so much okay. Thank you bye jeff. That was great. See you gave great advice. I knew you will thanks. I've never done this before. I'm really enjoying this. Oh good you're really. You're genuinely trying to help people. I really I really admire that. And now you have some new porn search words. Hey tosh yes you know. What's weird let? This is the time in history where we have the least to do and everybody is fucking stressing now so stressed. You know what helps to stress? Deep Rats Yeah. I guess that helps you know what else Help what helps with pain. Do you have any pain right now. Are you in pain my neck? You know what helps with not being able to sleep. Well you know what helps not feeling calm. I think I know where you're going with this you. Cbd ABSOL- It's not a CB don't do and the best place to get your CBD is from caliber. They'll send it straight to your door and it's not some weird oil or funny tasting kinks Jer. It tincture tincture. Geno added a S. H. There but tincture. No it's a powder that's totally tasteless and mixes easily into your food and drink. You can put it in your smoothie. Absolutely won't taste it. There's no weird taste. There's no oily residue or mouth feel and there's twenty milligrams in each packet of caliber CD. Tell you what I was I was online. I saw a tweet about getting the caliber. Cbd FROM OUR PODCAST and how much better. He was feeling and that really made me feel good. That people are getting relief from the stuff that we are offering them on this podcast. Rediscover your best self with CB product that's clinically proven to be superior to standard CBD oils and it comes in affordable packs of ten thirty. Khow packs you can get started for under twenty dollars individual packets give you the benefit of just being able to use the D. Inhabit. Wherever you go it's all natural non. Gmo ingredients no fillers. No chemicals no artificial flavors get twenty percents off your first order when you use Promo Code Honeymoon at try caliber dot com slash honeymoon. You can try caliber. Cbd Risk Free for thirty days. If you don't love it they'll give you a full refund of your stress. What DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE. Order some caliber. Cbd They'll send it to you. Use It feel less stress. Send it back. They'll give you your money back that way. You will have one thing to stress about. And that's does. Cbd Work for me try her dot com slash honeymoon. That's C. A. L. P. E. R. dot com slash honeymoon using the Promo Code Honeymoon. You get twenty percents off your first order okay. Jeffer- you down to do one more call of coerced. You guys are you guys. Are you guys learning a lot about your relationship in quarantined? Have you shared that with your listeners? Oh one hundred percent we you know it's like I'm sure you have the same experience. Jeff it's like we you have this person that you get along with and you spend time twenty four seven with them and you realize Oh. This relationship is really strong. It's strong enough for me to not be able to get away from this person but all of the annoyances and are turned up and all of the triggers are are more hair-trigger. We fight more often than we ever have. Which is annoying. Because we don't usually fight at all really what about you know Jeff Oh Natasha Okay. You said it. I think it's been a good bonding bonding experience for my girlfriend. And I it's been good. Good we've never really been together. Twenty four seven and you could survive this without like hurting each other. I think it's almost like oh you know this person's done violent and Glenn I can check that off forever Yeah if you didn't murder each other by now you're you're with a murderer and they have a brighter you now. You're probably I think I think I know what I think. I know what you're saying to. It's like no this is like you know they say like going on a vacation with a with a new relationship is like putting it to the test. It's like this is like nine thousand vacations in a row. You know so like I feel like I feel like we're stronger now even than we were before we're in a different situation. We have a two year old. So it's like our life is like extremely regimented and we have a lot of responsibility. She's not murdering you but she's murdering seventy my girlfriend's cooking a lot and she like painted my podcast room and doing a lot of really nice things. Yeah because you find yourself alone with these people and I'm like well if I can't do anything what can I do for the people living in my house you know? At least I can make them have a happier time. You know so. That's Kinda like been fun and then we have this. We have this creative outlet. What's your you have to you? Have Your podcast. Instances like that actually is kind of a fun. Experience is finding ways to be creative through the incredibly small keyhole of not being able to leave your house. You know right and there's an instinct. Let me go right right. Something movie are try to do something that would take a long time like a big project. Because you're in seclusion you know let you know. But you're also sullen seclusion that you want to reach out to people and that's lie on casting and face timing with friends and my family's always on Marco Polo is like twenty five of us You know just saying hi. I'm on a bunch of group tax with buddies. People are reaching out more. You Know My Buddy. My Neighbors. Seth Green and he told me that if somebody texts him he he facetime back just to check in with people. That's pretty sweet. Yeah are you. Are you enjoying this version of life as much as you do like going out to the clubs and driving and doing your sets and having like a night on the town? That's a good question. I don't think I've ever stayed home. this long in my adult life. You know but now traveling to some wary of doing comedies. Since some twenty three or something so be able to stay home for a month and a half is kind of cool. I've never experienced that so I feel like I'm a healthier that I'm not on the road eating a lot of airports food in Comedy Club Food and you look good by the way I looked at your instagram. They look you're looking up Pastrami pictures or what. I think you're right. Jeff like we all are having this. Experience is how I'm feeling this experience of like I thought my life was one thing and then that thing went away and now I'm like well here I am and I'm still alive. So I get to discover this whole different part of what it means for me to be myself from for me to live this life a bike. I got some Mueller Blades Jeff. That's good it's important to stay healthy and get exercise and not feel despair like you know. We'll lose work and it's hard in the financial burden on. Everyone is hard but if I was an ice cooler college or these Olympia that have the Olympics canceled. I would be in such despair so I feel like it's important for the keep your Chin up for the people really a bad or really got screwed. you know the Prom you know. That kind of stuff is high school kids. Who CAN'T SOCIALIZE? It's gotta be brutal like life worth living. You know your teenager and you can't go out. It's so funny you say that because I talked to my mom today and she was actually complaining about the kids who are complaining that they're missing their prom. She was saying they're being spoiled and she was saying that like so. Many people have it so much worse which is true. You're I guess if you get into the sort of the doctors hanging themselves. They're both right there both right. You know he can't expect a high school kid to understand that all at at at any moment but I don't know I mean maybe you're right. Maybe maybe maybe she's right. I don't agree. I'm I'm on your side. Jeff like this this would be absolute abject torture if you were all. I ever wanted to do when I was sixteen seventeen. Eighteen years old is go out. See People at least now. I'm old enough that I'm like enjoying having some time off if you were I mean. Imagine being as Horny as you were at sixteen seventeen years old and just having to stay home with your parents for four months. You just did that. He was home for a month and a half and he founded by just laughed. Yeah he's nineteen losing his mind. Yeah what are you GONNA do? Well Okay we'RE GONNA call. Let's call Zoey and New York Hello Hello Hi Zoe. Can you hear us? Hi Zoe. It's motion casher Natasha's Gerald and our dear friend. Jeff Ross. Oh my gosh I guys. Hey how's it going am? It's fine it is very fine. You're so you're in New York. You're are you quarantining alone will how's it. What's your situation I am? I live alone In Brooklyn and that has been sort of a mixed bag and that you know it's nice to sort of only worry about my own needs but also I haven't had schneider human being and like a thousand years so it's Okay Jeff's nephew just escaped from his parents. If you WANNA fuck. What's what's his deal. Who knows you gotta you gotTa say yes or no right now with no more information book book a forty dollar flights have or Oregon. Oh God I an. Let's do it. So what's going on? Zoey why did you call? Oh I wanted your input your advice on a relationship situation so I am data. Maybe not dating a man who had tried to dump twice already but it just wouldn't take And I I thought that quarantine would kind of being you know. We're not pointing together. The final sort of nail in that coffin But it has not been He has sort of reached out to me regularly. Now Miss you and like to give me boring weather updates and I wanna shut it down for good. But I'm having a hard time. Because his circumstances are pretty bleak like water his circumstances so I would describe them as Gutter punk slash homeless adjacent. Where does he live? So he's currently living in east shipping container. Yeah I not to pick them Shipping Container. He has not been in two months away so he lives in a shipping container. So when you said the final nail in the coffin you meant that literally. Yeah I mean it's nice to have you know. Text me to make sure he hasn't like frozen to death. We're is he. What what port. So he has a plot of land in upstate. New York and plot of land Like just land wait. Hold on. He's a homeless adjacent. Got punk living in a shipping container. But he's also a landowner. Well he bought the land with drug money. So it's very confusing. Well I don't think you should break up with him. I'm getting that signal loud guy. Seems like a keeper for sure. Yeah so I guess. My my question is sort of How do I break up with somebody who I think you? I think you do it with a forklift. I JUST. How did he not cruel? When somebody is like literally caked in two months of their own self I mean you you are I hope it. Are you just trying to be funny or you really mean to him to try? I'm trying to figure out your dynamic discount. You have sex with him. Not In the container at my house. Yes SPEC you've never fucked them in the container now unfortunately. So let me ask this in this quarantine. Have you fucked him it. No no no Oh God now he fled and I stayed here and I sort of thought like good you flat. I stay here like this guy and his shipping container. He does not very spotty one bar service God so I. I love the fact that you said. He fled by the way because he did. Yeah I wouldn't have described it as he left. He fled the for the authorities. Were after him and he had must've been must have been alternate side parking that yeah well. According to him he has read a lot about epidemiology. So He's an expert. Oh wait so not only. Is he living in a shipping container? But he's also a covert truth. This guy gets better. Those guys like a Russian doll of red flags keeper. You get in the more you want to get out. Yeah I mean. This is like the tip of the iceberg with him. I mean that's I feel like I should have stuck with the first attempt which was after like a terrible Valentine's based of awful. What happened Well we plan to go camping on his Land upstate or is he called it just living? That's true when there are no other options. You're just trying survive And he invited his friend to the weekend who was going through. She divorce love. It's up parole office. He fled his parole officer. So this guy. This guy is beneath you. You don't like him he he. You don't stand for the same things you don't like morals you don't you think he's kind of a loser. You don't respect him. So why do you lie to you? Ever text combat. I guess I just feel like if I were alone and like very alone I feel like and I only had a couple of people that I contacted. Then like losing one of those people when you're alone fields really new and will end so yeah Zoa. LemMe ask you something. Do you must care about him on some level right I do. I don't think you I think he means well. He's just a stone cold. Astle sure but I I was going to say. Don't you think he deserves to be with somebody that respects him? Yes yes so isn't staying with him and staying in this data set with somebody that you don't respect and he deserves to be with some of the respect isn't it doesn't seem like compassionate seems like Maybe it's not the opposite of compassion. Maybe it's kind of like not nice to keep them on the hook. You're never going to give him what he wants. So I mean listen if you want to get rid of the Guy. Called the Merchant Marines them and just get him on the road. I mean you are correct. I think with like with corn keynote. It's hard to tell like there are no rules anymore. Everything is upside down so like I don't have a sense of what isn't working anymore and I guess this is still even Corinthian vary not article. Jeff what do you think man? I think you should stay six feet away from this guy. I hate grade. He might have had washed. My hands listening to the story does seem like the kind of guy that had kovas one through certain eighteen. Yeah what I liked about him that he was like rug. Edit at manly okay now I have. I have a task for you. Just just text him half as much as you think. You should already have done that down to almost nothing and he still is like grasping scrap. Have how how you know. You're also grasping at scraps. Which is what I is a punk rock name is cut it in half and cut it in half again. If you don't feel comfortable ripping the band aid off the scab in quarantine than just you know. Treat him like you know with the you know you're his friend you'll stay in touch with them and then when this ends like. Jeff said break it off with him but from a far distance or maybe you get a hazmat suit and and go say goodbye in person. I also doesn't ask you my shower. Jesus no he's not allowed in. Maybe the prompt. Maybe maybe you like more than you're willing to admit and I feel a lot of people are like that and and sh- and sometimes we pretend you know we like people more than we do. We get you know you get a little guilty so you give them your phone number next thing you notice in this but it's okay to just be nice to them without feeling like you're somehow have an obligation in any way. I mean you're just a young single person right so You don't have to be Some homeless dude that you have in there. That was very sincere and lovely. Sure you're allowed to move on. You're allowed to move on if you want to get Jessica's ear until you can just be nice the hi how are you? Do you need anything. You don't have to in sorry and and another another practical bit of advice is you can wait longer to respond to like if he texts. You can wait like two days and just be like. Oh sorry I have so much going on you know and just kind of fill your life up and just don't let him think you respond right away. This is how detached retreats are opening acts. But I think I think Jeff Jeff is right and Tajiks. Right like my instinct. Is that this guy. You're I'm seeing? I agree with Jeff that you're probably like got a little more than you're letting on you're trying to be tough. Which I think is fine but I'm seeing like you. Don't want to snip a lifeline. That this guy needs in your in your estimation especially now. We're all so lonely that even those of us that have deep connections to other people. You don't WanNA sniff another connection. That's totally fine and I don't think that you're in a relationship with them if you text him back and like I said I think that like you know this person. He deserves compassion. Just like everybody else and and you're giving him that and so it's all good like stand touch with if you want to during quarantine and at the end of it all you know. Break it out for them. Because you know you don't belong with them and if you stay with him you're not only going to have to get pregnancy tests. You're going to have to do tetanus tests and you don't want to do that and if you have a boyfriend he's probably not gonNa like you talking to you eventually. You're going to get a boyfriend and this'll be clearer man. I'll take it all right. Good Luck Zoe. Good luck so thank you so much guys. You don't okay thank you are staying late for. Oh good we're glad and hopefully this guy scraps doesn't listen to podcast because we haven't finished the paperwork. Oh No. I tried to turn onto many podcasts. And he was not interested so this is his punishment great. Let's not have him. Listen to this one. Thanks for contacting us. Thank you take your motion. Thank you bye-bye. Yeah I mean Jeff. That's what we noticed like you were talking about the people that are in all these various stages of of loneliness or or stir craziness when people call us on the podcast. It's like everybody is dealing with some bizarre situation out there. That quarantine has forced them into or or turn the volume up on. So you know. It's like a both of these calls is just like everybody out. There in the world is dealing with their weird version of quarantines. I guess we're just lucky that ours is pretty good. Yeah Yeah I could see that. While you're you're you're probably not meant to be in the same room with the same person for that much time. Make it. You're bound to make people crazy a little bit right hunters and gatherers wasn't like everybody went everywhere. You know like people leave come home. They leave them home. It's the old story in the world and suddenly this like you know where to go. It's very unusual. I think it tests US. It really tests till race. I totally. It's totally true. I mean we're very lucky that we're doing this during the Internet was. Imagine what this would be like in nineteen eighteen if we were all sitting in our little like tenement house in the lower east side like not able to leave the apartment. At least we can. At least we can zoom each other and like at least you can call and we can have you over for an hour to help us with our podcast and vice versa. Yeah but back. Then when when they couldn't do that they actually write an opera or like a Broadway show instead we're like what do I have to do? Quip Lash on zoom all right. But you know what's interesting is. You're dealing the podcast before all this. It's like where kind of oddly designed to adapt right now and you know being a traveling. Performer is almost It's it's it's unusual. It's almost like the way the circus was like. Hey I go on the road. We know we're most people just sort of sit behind a desk and do their comedy show that way. Nothing anything wrong with that. But I think there's always something special about performers that were on the road and you know it really sets us apart especially the three of us from some of our other friends who have who might have a steady getting all the time or Caspian actor Spear Writer. Not Not that. It's adjust but comics were always sort of this different kind of thing like musician. I feel like my superpower. Got Taken away. You know. It's like I never had to worry about anything employment wise because I could always just go hit the road and do and make money that way doing the thing. I love the most. Like what Patrice O'Neal one said. He got fired from a writing job for the for wrestling. He was ready for the world wrestling entertainment and they fired him. He's like you can't fire a stand up comedian. He's like Oh you mean. I have to go back to doing what I've always wanted to do. My Biggest Passion. Okay by a so now right now. They've taken away that power. Yeah that's a Nikki. Glaser was saying when we talked to her. She said that that was the one thing you always had to fall back on. And now that's gone. I guess the one thing we do always have to fall back on each other. We created a kind of a nice community. So it's been nice to have friends on the PODCAST has been great to have you on for sure. Thanks for talking extra guys. That's a nice thing to say. It's a good attitude you know you're lucky you have each other. It's really that's really special. A Lotta Comedians. It'll be you know it's hard for them to to share a life together but you guys are figuring it out and he goes to the pandemic in. You're still like reaching out to friends and then helping these fucking random Weirdos you could talk to. It's a nice well. I said one of these many things that we when you're counting your blessings. You know I feel like it is mother's Day and I will be. I would be remiss. What is this your second or third mother's Day now I don't know I think it's my second the second mother's Day Tosh is a great mom. She didn't remember how old are kid was just toss is a really good mom. So I'm I'm lucky. I get to watch her. Do that and go like impressed with the woman chooses to cigarette. I think the baby is to Montreal Comedy Festival. Hope we see soon. Maybe we can start having pool parties in the summer. Yeah maybe when party start again if they ever start again you can come back over for our Hanukkah party and we can have locked as again. I love your parties. Thanks for having me on the show you guys thank you for doing a Jeff. We love you all right. Okay Bye Bye. But Jeff says a sweetheart. Yeah I like him. You know what's interesting about Jeff? I should have said this directly. He has somehow figured out this way of using meanness to be one of the most and I'll just mean that he's a sweetheart offstage because he is a sweetheart offstage but he's figured out this way of using meanness as a kind of kindness that I think is like kind of high level Jujitsu of comedy like no one getting made fun of by Jeff. Ross has ever felt belittled even when he is literally belittling to their face so anyway. He's a sweetheart. I Love Jeff. What else is love? You

Coming up next