Sam Jay, Megan Gailey, Langston Kerman & Guest Host Sydnee Washington!

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

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I p. s. t. a. t. i. Oh n. dot com the promo code standup s. t. a. n. d. u._p. Ships dot com make ship happen. You're listening to comedy central. I'm in shipment divorced. In stupid is why gate he shouldn't be getting fucking married on on dogs hetero normative shit that ain't built for us. You fill me like marriages for straight people. It makes sense. Y'all don't make sense for gaining because there's so many different dynamics at play but we tried to do y'all shit. We shouldn't have fought for no fucking shit. That was stupid. We should have fought for a tax break. That was the better fight. That was just a better conversation. It was really going to give us what we wanted but we got caught up eighty to be married to and we don't because we don't oh we don't even have function this sane and we knew how to be married before all these laws and shit. We were still getting married. That's the funny thing about any oppressive group. They take. They stop the from doing shit but you don't like when you know when things were slave. That felt like a weird thing. I shouldn't say like niggers and slaves leaves but i like say when they were slaves. Y'all can't marrying niggers would just jump the broom and then figure out how to beat you know. You can't stop that shit. It was like we were still getting married as gay people but it made more sense for us. You just met a chick on app or you met her at a bar wrong. I bitch. I love you and then you just do a barbecue. A solid ass barbecue like what am barbecues never run out of ribs like mark nice. Done you know da this bitch. We marry and they way you would done. You just win other barbecue hetero normative shit makes sense for yo. Y'all make babies shit saying i feel like that's the whole point again. Married is the wrong you know. Why else do you do it. Consistently fuck ralph off like a lot so i got a lock something down and keep fucking it. Roll the marry somebody and then when you hate them. There's a whole baby because you've been fucking rossellini. I can't leave you bitch baby with my dick in the stay engage. We don't have that me and my wife didn't have the only thing me and my wife had between each other was a cell phone plan. That's not enough. It's not enough for me to stay when i don't wanna be in mother fucker many holding me that was like bits go to sprint. This is bullshit. Fuck outta here. Hey welcome to stand up with krista steffano. He's not year. It's me guest hosting sydney washington washington cinema definite with cindy washington. Oh my god exciting. I'm nicole boys. <hes> you're humble producer. Today i love it. Let me know if you need anything at at all just a couple of gals chatting chattan so we just heard sanjay <hes> mary i'm so here we shouldn't case should intermarry. I'm just not here for the concept of marriage. I just nouns cute within in actuality most people i've seen married after a couple years ah miserable so we just need to throw the whole thing out jags. The whole thing. You know dating's cute. Why don't we leave cute q. Why do we have to be connected to somebody like financially through the government like that's too much too much. Just just keep it can't tell us about yourself because because you're you're hosting chris today. Yes so what what your standup. I am a stand how long you've been doing. I've been doing it for six and a half year. You know if the industry is is listening just like a cube six and a half years. That's the perfect amount perfect amount to critique comedy yeah so we're this is the roast of isn't enough that i know how comedy works but also like. I'm not as jaded when you're twenty years in. It's like i only only one here my own jokes like six and a half years in your bring somebody else's i'm totally listening and not be biased. Okay not bison great critique ow oh no no no jake asia okay okay. He's gonna be back soon. He's <hes> he's gone. He's he's not with us today. He's no longer with us. He died. He'll be back. Oh chris what's a heaven and he'll be back next week. The only people that have ever come back to live for jesus and krista stuff and honestly i think the people who love chris actually believes that's that's something he could do. I believe it yeah that distefano stands there like yes chris very possible of dying coming back. I agree <hes> so you you like sanjay lot. One of your these are sydney's picks today so we're listening to all your phase. I i'm a fan of sam's. I'm like her friend. Casually her friend and i think that she's the closest to like patrice o'neal richard okay like very raw. She's going to give it to you. She doesn't hold back and <hes> you know it is what it is if you like. If you fuck her you do if you don't you don't and she is not worried about the pushback and i love that yeah totally totally. That's how comedy should be. Oh yeah <hes> oh. You're expand your what you want to expand to our viewers. Abuse comedy is like fun like why are we making it bigger. What is this is for you to laugh. This is not a dissertation on topics. We are not professors like you might learn some shit but then like at the end. It's like we were sitting on a toilet taken a number two when we thought about that bid so why aren't behind the curtain washington's right in process the best i i me to write a joke is often it. I'm like let me get a pen and let me you get a pen and pad. It's time to write about you. Just keep on by the yeah because i'm gonna be here for a while just when you think you're finish having the runs ah that's true you know. It just comes on like a shower anymore unless i have. I'm going through like instagram. I don't know if you have the problem so maybe i should write instead any you i less. I'd just like i get nervous. I need like something to do. This is a confession. I'm worried about unicol call. I know it's your problem. You're one of those people who <hes> who who liked giving golden showers and can't pee. There's there's somebody being what you are at home and not what you need to go help now. Not what is it dictate to instagram but maybe it should be writing instead because you're like fucking thorough on the toilet impressive. I wanna be productive. That's all it is that is i think quotations productive <hes>. What kind of stuff do you like to joke about what i like to joke about your material. I'm a narcissist says so. I love talking about me. Yeah i talk. I talk about this stuff that i go through because you can't tell me that my experience is wrong. It happens to me. I'm telling you first hand lies so you can't tell me that my life is wrong because you know it's a lie because it's your la. It's my life okay. Do you li- you're saying <hes>. I don't lie building i- i- embellish okay because as a person he was in entertainment. I hear a lot of civilians. That's what i call. People who are not in comedy. Tell their stories bitch. Where is the punchline. Where is the uh. I don't have time to listen to the story. That has no funny yeah so in order to make things funny. You got a little bit of corinth. That's the one of the first things that people don't realize about san jose. It's people when they come in. They just tell stories and there's no. There's no structured out punch lines in there right so it's just kind of like this is crazy thing that happened to me and then there's no it's always your fran jackie. That's telling these stories iraqis jackie. I don't care how how many peanut breaches you had a bad storm fucking funny. I can you ever go to people's weddings and they're just like at the table telling. Can you what happened and you're like. Let me just punch this up and i could throw in. You know something. That actually didn't happen. You're making good or punching. People stars at their a wedding. I listen to people's stories in uber pools. I take them make do that. Baby sydney washington official remix remix listen. I number sixty five i. appropriate other people's. You know truths in turn it into my own i almost i almost played. There's a sanjay clip about uberpool. Rupaul romo's played but i did not so funny. Listen to the gays shouldn't marry one yeah but if you if you do listen it's just like valley to always sit in the front if you're in suber pool because then you don't feel like oh. I'm a bomb friend of the driver. Yeah that is that's <hes> sanjay's clip off donna's donor comedy central records album listen to that certify apple music obsessed like you are with instagram <hes> <hes> twitter yes. I have an addiction. I'm sick is fine. We all we're all addicted to something and we can all be addictive weekday belong as we do it in moderation. That's it. That's not addiction though if it's in moderation that's where you're wrong because i'm addicted to a a lot of things but i would. I remind myself that's why you gotta have on your phone a little reminder like put your phone down boop. Take shit boop. Call your girlfriend boop like you're going to have have reminders to help us if i did heroin once a month in my addicted no okay casually to to know hypothetically if that was ever happen once a month you're doing heroin. That's like recreational. That's like you're doing at a party like when does it become addiction <music> monday through friday monday to friday business hours a nine to five nine when nine to find drugs and you're out of office is doesn't count yeah. Is there anybody listening to listen to me. I am not the expert on this. This is all jokes. This is now becoming a science podcast section election. Sorry chris <hes> okay so let's play we got to other clips. They've chosen megan gaily how not to get murdered and lincoln kerman the the white spirit so and play those now gimme. I worry about getting murdered a lot. I get it. I know you can't act this way and be like i'm gonna live forever. It's like i'm definitely going to be in a trump kind of that. I come home really really late at night which is just like murdering women happy hour her so developed a couple of fun little tricks. Try not get killed so like when i get out of my car instead of walking down the sidewalk like a regular woman men i choose to sprint down the center of the road constantly turning headlights and it's less so a murderer can't catch me and more so another murderer thinks i've already been claims like i know rick. Scott are okay. Men sometimes sometimes get upset with me. I get that they'll come up to me after shows and they're like why are you so political. I'm like i'm just up here being like stop hitting. It hurts birds. I don't hate men i really. I don't want you to think i i love men. I keep saying that wrong. I love dick. Do and people are so mean to dix to like dicks caused wars dick's evil to women. It's like dixon magical beautiful presents that happened to be attached to monsters on stirs. That's what's happening like when is addictive or the wrong form of your never never addiction shows up in a hawaiian shirt to meet your family like auto know what the issue is well. There's a lot of issues either. My parents not not a goddamn. Jimmy buffett concert dick's are so cool you guys have so many tricks you can do like a dick wakes aches up excited ready to go ready to greet the day what a morning person addict wakes up before the human. It's attached two. How would that not on mythbusters. That's the craziest thing i've ever heard. Laura never thirty years. I'm like oh my china's awake time to go to work. I love men men love me kind of i guess my dad's very confused by my interactions with men like one guy drove six hours to see me for two hours. There's and then immediately drove back six hours and my dad was like why would anyone ever do that. There's no nice way to be like. I don't know i just got that good pussy. You can't say that i'm wendy. I'm griffin door and i love what you go into businesses and in the women's bathroom they have signs on the wall that say please don't flush any tampons down the toilet and it's like oh well we are. That's exactly what we're doing a hundred percent of the time there's always a trash can out. I'm like your trash. Can i make seventy seven cents on the dollar. I'm not waddling to a trash. Can hilary lost. She lost a flush shoot down the toilet if i want to. I'm gonna be postmenopausal. Just dipping tampons pudding fast pitch softball in them. No no no you can't do it. It's like an environmental crisis tampons getting the sewer they clump together and then a man has to go down and break it apart. I'm like that's the greatest thing i've ever heard in my life. No google image search has made me faster then a man in has matsue having to chisel apart or robert de lis statue of use tampons. God bless america the before we play the next stand clip. I wanna talk to you about a new podcast. The creators of comedy central's new t._v. Show southside have teamed up with w._b._z. Z. chicago to bring you. The new podcast southside stories every episode the writers and stars of southside diablo rome bashir salahudeen will bring you real stories about real. You'll people in the real south side of chicago but instead of just talking about chicago talk to the people who actually live there and work there and we're born there and learn their stories stories though meet inventors go step in and grab some herald and maybe even get to the bottom of all those parking tickets <hes> louis chicago humor. This is a show about the south side of chicago. You don't see so if you're done watching the critically acclaimed show southside on comedy central tune in south side stories for deeper dive into the people and places of chicago subscribe now to sell side stories to find out what life on the south side is all about tents man. It is very tense and i don't wanna blame. I don't want to turn this into a thing where white people people feel like you're mostly white for anybody listening on the record. This is almost entirely white. I used to live with that was pretty cool. I love what the white one for like a year and that was really learnings enemy. I learned a lot. I should be clear. We weren't having sex. I know the law but we're roommates. We were friends. We live together me and my woman. She was cool. She my woman. I call her my woman because because i don't want her back she's ruined. She's tainted my woman. She believed you didn't go any of y'all do that. And if you call why anybody believes and goes do you're not yeah you do. Ah oh this is great. This is so exciting. Don't be nervous. I'm gonna make fun of you but it's okay. It'll be it'll be fine. It'll be we why why have you ever seen it goes. No of course not the of course the fiction that you're living. Do you know anybody that goes no well. Then what the fuck walk. What are you doing that for. Why is there you like way the way you like just cooking dinner and then there's a nigga standing behind you love showing scare you turnaround you. Tell you as soon as you turn friend. That's you just like the idea that spirits oh. Oh is it like a spiritual thing you like the idea. The spirits are still present. That's cool. It's silly but it's cool my wife woman. She was like you she. She like actively. Believe theft goes exists in the one day. She woke me up. We were living together and she woke up middle of the night. She came to my came to my room to wake me up to tell me she thinks our apartment is haunted because she could hear sounds in the walls. We lived in brooklyn brooklyn. New york came to oh my god. I think i can hear them in the walls to which i replied hush josh hey. What do you need almond butter. Do bakers look in our neighborhood where we live. There's no goes. We're just poor sweet santa poverty baby. Let's not a ghost rambling. Is james cricket having sex with a shopping cart procreate every crackhead. He has this shopping cart the life partners with this ringworm. I do think that's the i've thought about about this. I do think that's the nicest thing about being a why won't you guys get to believe in ghosts. That's the best part of being a white. You guys you get to believe in whenever we don't. I don't get to believing you understanding how silly i would be your aside. We'll get to believe in. I have a hard enough time. Convincing my black friends. We could shop but the gap as the ross from france. The dance got the emphatic. Tell you some negative ten years for dancing and said he wishes the contaminated the water black people don't believe in shit we'll get to be you won't get to be silly like this. How fucked up america's black people don't even get to believe and police brutality. I knew this part would be fun. We don't go this whole time. We've been screaming. Police have been killing us for no reason. This is fucked up. Somebody should stop. This just won't fair right. We want to be equal and people white people like no no hey hey. The police are brings. Good people sure he shot you wiggled. You should iraq curriculum no good welfare wigs. They say that i think in my apartment i hadn't seen it but something tells tells me it's fair and then why do you like we believe you. We believe every word the world is filled with possibility you okay so you just heard megan gaily and langston kerman. I love of i love them. Both actually i just had megan gaily on my comedy show at the knitting factory plug this palo day yes <hes> she's just a little little sat and it was fantastic. <hes> i really really on board with the fact that like you have to be innovative as a woman just going home at night. Oh yeah if you maze and like a police baton in your purrs really going to save you when it actually yeah it's not it's not first of all purses are a mess. So how are you going to get the mace with the keys that you forgot at home like they get the the the knuckle. What are those knuckle a knuckle braces or brass knuckle. Well how you going to get the brass knuckles. When you have like a half eaten sandwich in your bag. You're gonna give the rapist like a sandwich before they were. What's going to happen happened just like a whole layer of tampons dick surro- i'm going to give him a hair tie. You know lake. Let me pull your hair in a ponytail michigan here around my eyes yeah yeah walking scary. I mean is it because i will tell you. When i was a full blown alcoholic for like professionally only ten years i would come home late after working my shifts as a cocktail waitress and i was blasted just so wasted and i would fall out out of my cab every time i would stumble out and just fall on the ground and i was sometimes lay there for like fifteen twenty minutes and nothing thing happened to me but you also took a cab took a cavs don't even walking home yet but in order for me to get into my apartment i have to get out of the cab and then walk to my door but the danger zone that's the danger zone but i 'cause sometimes anything can happen like right in front of your building true so far out of the cab and i would be on the ground just laid out possibly in a skirt and shorts or whatever and nothing happened to me like people would walk over me and be like wow the homeless girls. We're good stay up stabilised like that. They would not try anything with me in his. That's crazy. I i was just too available. That's available for these predators. It was it was insane. That's <hes> her <hes> brave. If you're if you're looking for it was kinda like <hes> how to catch a predator it would just i would set it up to shoot that they would be like there's no way that i'm not going gel if i try something okay so let's just too easy. They think it's like they're thinking trout. Yes okay well then. That's the tip okay yeah and and make him. Gailey knows about going home late just being like a stand up comedian. Get ou- you hang out your you've been drinking. It's like how do i get home safely safely without having a comedian drop me off like just like what's worst like a random male or a comedian. I don't know besides krista chris distefano any medians. I think he's the only one i would literally give him my kidneys and he would hold them and then give back clean and have any lay or like cheetahs. He's gray lovey. Crass christmas crows <hes> what was i gonna ask okay so the lincoln but he talks about. He's doing crowd work and his our his album special out so do you do. I wanna ask you do you. You're current due to govern. Let me tell you. I am the best at crowd work. I love research. I love stuff. That's not planned anything that i have to organize myself yeah a mess but when i if it's just like fl- free flowing and it just makes sense like meshes so well me in like the unpredictable and unpredictable. I'm nick of it but to do it on your album honey. Thus craig's you have to be so in tune with what the audience is gonna say you you had to pick someone. Just assume that they're going to get something. That's gonna make me like it's gonna make the even better right yeah yeah that <hes> and then joe. I was just listening to joe i when she did that also on her album and she like it completely works but you have to have done that so many times to like know what they're going to say. This is about ghosts mitch albom say in by y'all. I mean the base people listening so yeah you do you. Do you perform for a lot of white crowds as well. I do you in new york manhattan i do they they'd be out you know. They like get time out. They look at time out new york and they're like what to do by right comedy and we love. We loved it. They become out but sometimes it gets weird because this is what we're talking about this whole group and i. I don't know if they're gonna rock quitter or not but the thing about ghosts is like it is it's universally known how foolish it is with people still believe leaving in by people i mean y'all base anderson as you know because why is it just feels so oh formal. I like to informal okay beijing. I'm calling you white but you could also be my friend. You you know okay love feel very <hes>. Love that yeah we own. We only roast the people we love so when i say say beige it's like i'm i'm about to get you want some shit that do but you know i love you. Some of my best friends are based taylor's all the time. Yeah i feel like <hes> why people love to laugh at ourselves yes to be roasted will they have to you have to yeah yeah when you've been the vantage when you've had the advantage it's like i'm laughing because at the end of the day i'm going on my casper mattress. This is a white person yes as a beige. I'm gonna go on my casper mattress and thinking about about that silly joke that that poor comedian was talking about and just be fine yeah <hes> so they can take it yeah. It's cool. It's some people could take jokes. Other people feel bad about it but i like to you know toast up that white privilege and white guilt for making comedy what it is today. That's a beautiful sentiment. People ever gonna matter you after shows no no. I have great bone structure so by camping. Even if you're upset what you wanna take a picture with me. Just what oh that was me. I i still wanna hang out with their. Your berkshire has so far gone on you. Through a lot of things is what i'm learning. I just wanna say. Is that the key to success. I'm blessed. I mean my pores invisible reasonable like how could you not for the homer. Pores are invisible. I also use like primer so that's why but anyway it's trump. What's this is gone. I'm not talking about skin care. You have to wear primer as a woman. You know like you have primer for your car and your walls that that's why bitches are putting on a faces before they with their makeup explaining to men like in terms of cars and walls. You know you put lime or on a basketball. We're doing to our face. Okay primary writing this down primary smooths out everything and then you put your makeup on. It just seems seamless. Thank you for that. I'm here to help you know uh-huh for the males that are listening and they just wanna see what their lady is doing. I just told you what she's doing spend seen priming the face. It's true women women to do so much. Oh yeah we have to draw and other faces for you to be interested. It's insane even as a lesbian. I still have to do a little arts and crafts on on my face because you know <hes> women like our as well yeah. I just realized this is a lesbian edition of standard christmas definite on active active. Oh look i'm back at the owner. This is the pride and addition of end up with krista stephanie allah <music> because he let us do that. She gave us president in nineteen word thriving. We're having <hes>. Do you have anything you wanna plug before we rapa anything you want to discuss because millions and millions of listeners okay <hes> because i'm such a professional i feel like i plugged plug so much always be plugging lugging. That's why we're in this industry ep baby so yes. I have a podcast the unofficial expert on forever dog. It's where we interview people who think they're experts and things that you don't need to be an expert in okay fine. <hes> i have a stand up comedy show every sunday at nine pm at the knitting factory free free free. It's insane insane and then you know i'm literally just out every night doing stand up just trying to be a better person and you can catch me in brooklyn in in queens. Nope z. that crazy high love myself and in queens but i'm everywhere else. I'm all out and i actually have. I'm working on my new solo show called. Oh my favorite book of open know my favorite open book of beautiful beautiful garbage. Wow okay yeah okay so low. Show elephant show love for you because i really do just being by myself. That's a great thing that hey stand up that. Is you know you often aw it's so odd but pseudogreen. Do you do santa overnight. I do i do and that's why my day the job i have a day job. I have a night job. I have a relationship. That's possibly failing who know exclusive. Yes i'm yeah. I've been a fulltime lesbian so you know i love comedy more than love itself. Okay santa cruz exclusive exclusive closer new should should should do sinew washington's hierarchy maslow's hierarchy gave needs. I don't know i don't know what that wasn't cold'll. I feel like i'm making you nervous. Oh i've baird my soul in front of you if anything you should be like well i really have it together that you your cheekbones keep away murderers to that would make me nervous uh-huh nothing to compare it. I gotta work on my facial structure. What nicole first of all you have anyway. I don't even understand why you're not in the new season the l word okay. This is my question. Let's chat okay. That's more my question is why not right. That's the question why didn't i don't know i'm not what the show i casting. What's up what's good. I don't know i'm going to move to l._a. Miss them already serbian. Now i looked at the little preview and i sat alward. No have you didn't like it. No i did not i. I see what you're doing here but you missed the mark. I like seeing porter in a in a ten a._d._h._d. I used to not have a. I suppose that can the olden day and i have to watch the award like a the free videos now dot com. I'm just happy that they will have lesbians and proper denims because the genes that they had on that show originals were triggering an offensive and they were very homophobic out. That's how bad the denims where i was like. Are they like older women. That wears like <hes> free people slash anything. That's at kohl's. I don't know they were like they were top shelf lesbians but the way they dress clothes that was like where are you guys going. I never agree it. Was you know so. I'm excited for the new thing maybe season two. I'm excited but i'm also oh like <hes>. Every brown person you have has a specific curl pattern. There's no braids there. No there's no lace fronts. There's we're we're out here. I'm one of those lesbians that do braids delays fronts. I look i'm straight to presenting but i'm very homosexual. The word love straight presenting besser fave they do but then they don't do. What do you mean well except for like shane. Everyone else's street presenting go. I mean but soon as they aura ara as their or you're just like i see that you guys are acting as if you're lesbians but i can tell you're acting. I just need people who embody the lesbian spirit like dykes lake full dykes. Yes like you should be twenty minutes. Is you start talking about the l. one because we're not those type of lesbians were desperate. I'm different not like hashtag not like not like ellen. It's not our lives. You know it's a it's a lifestyle but it's not our whole life trying to go on my twitter. Followers just like okay well now. We're going to play a clip from you your stand up so if you like this episode lis- this keep listening and do you wanna you wanna plug like your social handles or anything where people can find you. Yes yes okay so my twitter is a work in progress us. You know trying to be better and be an intellect of jokes. <hes> just said n._y._c. so the t. s. y. D. n._y._c. and then instagram. That's where i thrive because i like a color alone. I'm like a picture book. You know pitcher book you like. I don't really care about the captions shinzo the photo cheekbones. I had us crying funny captions but you just like. I just want to look at this picture. So oh nice <hes> on instagram just said be w j u s t s y d b w group <hes> thank you so much for doing man. I had so much fun. Thank you so much and we'll be back next week. <hes> with chris dodd yes resurrected. I can't wait for that. We actually we have the hologram of chris in the freaking building right now. Say hi heart impose great. Sometimes i get confused for people. I don't even know what time i got confused with the stripper and black magic that happened and this guy's yelling black black magic behind me and i had all my clothes on and it was a white guy and just you a white guy yelling out black magic. You'd better be a thousand thousand percent. Shore is black magic. Oh no he didn't say black girl magic. He's at black magic. I'm like you're racist doc so he said i was like magic. I was like no. I'm not black magic he's like. Are you sure i was like. I'm positive he's like you. Look just like her. You gotta go to the strip club. What's let's wow okay but then he gave me a coupon for it so i was like i gotta go. I gotta go. You gave me a coupon for the strip club. You get garlic alec palmer john wings but every first dan so steel. That's a steal. Only some dues know that the wings of the most expensive thing in that bitch you see somebody serve expert expert. Twenty dollars wings be fifty dollars. You like my fucking. The wings later what's going on. Some of y'all dues are these are y'all like flats. I get it so i think the coupon and i go to the strip club right and i don't look like a strip club. Patron coat on i've got all these bags and looking for black magic high and low and then all of a sudden security guard was like excuse me ma'am. You got away after the show for your daughter. Wow that's not a compliment. Either you telling me i look like somebody's mother no offensive moms in here but yeah this is the body of no responsibility disability so yeah. Nobody's mom in here. Okay so i'm in there and i'm like yo black. Magic better looked like me. She better look like me his forehead cheeks she would add his thick asks flavia okay. We're gonna look like we're gonna look alike. There's a lot of labor. Is that a new shoe. It's not a no show clever if you do it. You know what a lady is a lot more men in here then these fucking claps ladies who are not klabin either you gay are you shouldn't be fucking. That's crazy. You don't know what he is. Is the doors to the party okay. Hey you can't get into the party until you say hello to the doors unless you bill cosby. He's a terrible guests. Okay really he did it. He did it. He now my grandfather. He did it okay so anyway. I mean the strip club. Finally black magic comes out there you know she looks nothing like me right because she's asian going on with the lighter in here. Descriptive is like we don't see color titties okay okay. This has been a comedy central podcast.

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