Because I Love Ya
Welcome. Welcome. Welcome back to the Bob left sets podcast. That's right. We're back with all new episodes with your favourite musicians, comedians promoters, and behind the scenes people just like my newsletter where I analyse the issues I'm gonna go deep with the guests. So if you want to know what's going on in the entertainment industry, you've got a tune into the Bob left sets podcast on the iheartradio app. Apple podcasts or wherever you listen to your podcasts. Committed is a production of iheartradio. I told myself if I don't say the words, I'm gay then I always like argue against it. People die every day. And what if we can to a car accident? And then I have to be the one to call Mike and be like pied. This is Jared your sons live in lover. And he's now passed away. If I were to die tomorrow. What Jared job it'd be like a stranger funeral, and he's the most important person in my life. Would he feel comfortable coming to my funeral would he'd be allowed to mourn? My death. Levi Doshi emailed us his story last year. I read that Email about ten times read it out loud to Nick read it out the Ramsey. And I knew this was a story we had to tell a rather astray. We had to help Levi towel. It's about being honest, completely and radically honest with yourself, and the people you love before you get married. It's also about the things you need to do. And the things you need to let go of before you can join your life with another person. Levi. Jared have been dating since they were in college. They live together now in Columbus, Ohio, and they're completely committed to each other. Levi's tad. Mike has no idea that he lives with Jared doesn't even know Jared exists. In fact, has no idea that son is gay, and that's something that both Levi. Jared wanna reconcile before they take the next step and getting gauged? I asked me if I was scared. Scared to tell a story in such a public way right now. I asked him if you want to use a pseudonym. He didn't. Levi is trying so hard to be brave and the beyond. I leave. I want to tell us love story now. All of it. I'm jackie. This is committed. I think we tend to maybe have like a little bit of differing versions of the same story of how he met just because I like to poke a little bit of fun it Jared this Levi, by the way, and so we met when we were in college Asaf more. So he would have been in your last year of junior. Yeah. Levi likes to Jared a hard time because Jared actually gone out with one of Levi's friends before they met. They ran in similar circles. But didn't know each other that well, and then one might leave. I got this message. He just like randomly posted a post on my Facebook wall. And it just text me. And I was like confused because I was saying to he'd like one of my friends. I was I don't know what that means. He knows I don't have his number like what what am I supposed to do with that? So I just like did nothing naturally. And then maybe like a week later. He messaged me like conversationally and was like, oh, we should get dinner. And I kind of legitimized it to myself, and my friends I was like ya'll like I don't want to be late closed off. We could make new friends like I have to put myself out there. This is definitely not a day. And then he pays for the dinner. And I'm sweating because I'm like, oh, this is a day. And then I get back to like my friends apartment afterwards. I was like I think I just went on a day. And then we started dating. Jared definitely remembers it differently leave I made an impression on him. The first time that he ever saw him. They're at a house party. The theme was slutty Disney. Here's jared. So I show up in little black shorts with dots. Painted all over my body. And I was as slutty dumb, Asian and Levi had jeans Afo t shirt on with a cat on it. He's like, I'm gonna wrist a cat. And I'm like that does not count. That's not a flooding. Disney costume so from there like you said, I message on Facebook the next day, and it kind of snowballed from there. But my first impression of Levi was I just I never seen. Anybody like him his energy, his smile, just like lights up the room and just remember talking to him, and you know, doing shots this party. And I was like this is somebody that I need to know. This is somebody that I'd like need to have in my life. And I can't explain other than that. It was just like an instant connection for me. Jared was out of the closet already. He'd come out in high school before leaving for college. So I was out to my family and all. My friends. I praise my mom and dad because they really educated themselves and really taken upon themselves to read books and understand the gay community in the gay culture. Levi on the other hand wasn't out. And he wasn't comfortable coming out. He'd grown up at a farm in a very conservative family. It didn't have a whole lot of exposure to people who are out of the closet and in highschool is best friend came out. And my dad was pretty explicit about how he felt about my best friend coming out. And it was clear that he didn't really want me to be hanging out with him. He didn't really even want me to be like talking about him at home or talking about interacting with him at school and to leave. I created these rules in his head about being gay. And what constitute actually coming out? I had this weird kind of. Logic in my mind that I told myself if I don't say the words, I'm gay then I always like argue against it as long as I don't say it. But at the same time, it was always just known, and I was fine with it being known. But I always come back and be like, well, I never said that. So if it came to a point where needed to argue against it. I could in fact leave I ran into Jared after that first date. Jared got to see how this logic actually worked in action. So after I took him to the first time, we parted ways, and then I came home, and I started drinking with my friends when like let's go out and there's a one gay club in Columbus called axis. And so we were like, well, let's go to access tonight. And sure and I get to access and round the corner. And there's Levi guide just went on a date with two hours ago. And I was like oh my God high. He had a deer in headlights. He just looked at me. I was like Hello. How are you? He. Turned and ran the other way low we day bar. I didn't want you to know that I was like that's the boy just wanna date with and my friends are like, oh, you got to get rid of get rid of now. And like nobody really liked him. He just ignored you after date one. So it was definitely a pursuant situation on my part. Yeah. Jared definitely did most of the heavy lifting as LARs all far as the early time that we were dating. There was no give and take. It was me giving giving trying to get a third fourth fifth date, but I pursued in here we are tell long ago was that two dozen in two thousand twelve so we're both still in college. And. Going on seven years now. Levi isn't great with Bolden spontaneous gestures when he knows he wants to say something important he practices at this had a million times. He writes, it down tears that up throws it away rights down again about eight months into their relationship. Levi wanted to make a bold gesture I really fell like I wanted to be the person to tell Jerry I loved him and put myself out there because up until this point he had just continually put himself out there. And I just felt this visceral feeling about it. He tried to find the right time all day, but nothing ever felt perfect. Never happened. We ended up going to bad. I was like so annoyed at myself. I was like I can't believe I did this guy, and it's pitch black just laying there and journey was like. Nothing was happening. Nothing was happening. The room was still I wasn't tossing and turning. I wasn't doing anything. And Jerry was like are you? Okay. What's wrong and? At that moment. I was like this person knows me better than I know myself like that's like crazy. And I was just like I love you. And then I thought shit the bed because I was like, wait. What way can you repeat that one at time for me because I did not either I'm going to have to be the one to say at first, and you know, you just kind of go into the roles of a relationship. So and then in that moment when he said at first I was like, oh my God. I love him. Like, this is this is real this is gonna work. And you know, it was it was a beautiful moment that we shared that moment was a turning point. Soon their relationship moved from college into the real world. I definitely made the relationship move really really slow. Because again, we went from me not even being out to myself to now dating boy to now I'm out and then Jared wanted to move into gather after a couple of like one or two years in. I was we I was just like no we cannot do that this early. I haven't even told my family they had settled into a life of dumbest to stay living in a sweet little Victorian house to their friends. They looked like the perfect happy couple. But if you were to ask Levi's dad, he'd paint a very different picture about his son's life. They stay. And it's still think got and still thinks that I live with one of my college roommates that I lived with that I did live with and I was in college before I moved in with Jared. They just think that I still live with one of them. Yeah. So it's been it's been a little bit of roller coaster. So in just a even clarify what you just said. Like, I don't even think they know who I am like they've never seen a picture of me. They think like that Levi is living with one of his old college roommates whose dad is met. So his dad has a picture in his mind who is living with and it's not me Levi was under such Tepe cover that. Social media was severely limited. We are not on Facebook. We don't do the Twitter. We don't do any of that. No. No. No, no. We do have an Instagram, but keep it private. I don't think. Yours is private. But I like I like go through it, and like block particular people to prevent them injured Instagram but minds private, so I don't worry about anyone seeing mine, we're a little hidden. We're gonna take a quick break here. Right. Rossi is are the everyday slats for life on the go. They're stylish comfortable and go with everything from yoga pants to dresses and skirts. They've quickly become a most loved gotta have them brand. 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So Levi Jared living together after college, and they're really really happy. But Levi still hasn't told his father is gay. And obviously his dad has no idea that he's living with his boyfriend his mom was a different story. His parents divorced when he was five and his dad raised him. So mom was more of the cool. Mom, more of a friend telling his mom was easy. Telling us sister was more difficult. My dad has always given us everything we ever needed. But my sister was always that support you need as a child growing up. I feel like I always still to this day. Like come to her for advice. Tol her everything we're like always on the phone together. She's my best friend so coming up to my sister was definitely hard. I remember sitting in her Chevy, Malibu and my mom's driveway. And kind of told her that I told her mom, and I was gay and sh- when she gets a little uncomfortable situation. She just kind of has little to say she should kind of. Okay. And I was like, well, I kind of probably wouldn't be telling you if there really weren't a reason. And she was a little bit more interested maybe in that. I was like, well, I'm kinda seeing someone who's pretty important to me. She comes from the same family. It's the same mindset sustain kind of Ohio rural area. Yeah. It's really hard for really anyone to really even use the word boyfriend when it's like an reference to my relationship with Jared. I think now it's amazing between us it was never bad. But I think there was like a struggle there, which I think is it kind of goes to show, I think how much harder and how much more work. Maybe it takes for LGBTQ couples to really be knowledged as a couple a committed couple. Let just because we're not a man in a woman doesn't mean that we are less committed than a straight couple relationship. That's also a sick people was like, oh, you're gay. You must be an open relationship. No. We are committed and want to be only with each other. And I think people it's hard for them to wrap their minds around it, which is stupid to us. But I don't know maybe make sense to other people. So yeah, she's been really good about it. She loves Jared. We have a really good relationship with my sister. And my brother in law Agana, just like another catch twenty two because as much as that's important to me. I feel like now I have involved now my sister in this. And so now I feel like coming out is now like putting my sister's relationship with my dad, potentially at some sort of risk. Also. All of this. Hiding lying has just been a roller coaster of emotions for Jared. And he's been so incredibly patient through all of it. Mike, I get I've had to come out to my family. I've seen friends come out. I've been through that process. And it is not easy. It is hard especially when you come from. You know, a Christian household. So I really was not pushing the envelope. Levi's? Like, I want to tell my family. I'm like, we'll take your time. It's fine. It's all good. But now we're getting older, and our siblings are getting older and time goes on. It's getting a little more difficult from Christmases. You know, we have to drive to separate cars because after we go to his sister's house, then he's got a sneak away to his dad's a couple of days, and I have to drive home by myself or the hardest time for me was his sister got married, and I have a really close relationship with her, and I was not allowed to come to the wedding, which like broke, my heart. And I. Broke Levi's heart all because this one may doesn't know about me. He was so involved in planning the wedding. My sister, always like ran things by us. Jared made a bunch of things for the reception Jared, and I kind of like put the playlist together and. Like my sister, like tried her wedding dress on for the first time like in our apartment in that was that was the only time that Jared saw in that I get to the wedding. And I'm like. I see like Jarrett's Ingram print all over everything. But he's not there, but a few months after Levi sister's wedding. Jared sister got married to. And leave. I was able to attend that wedding. A contrast was night and day. I just remember they were getting family pictures after her wedding there like Levi get in. And I was like, oh, I'll in the next you guys like a picture of the Riley's in leave. I get in. We're like not taking a lot of otas. Like, this is like the only family photo. And it made me like upset because again, I was just like inside my head about it. And it kind of got to the point where Jared was like I understand how you're feeling, but like this is my sister's wedding. I wasn't at your sister's wedding in where my sister's wedding now. So can we just like leave that at the door? And I was like, yeah. That you're right. I'm sorry. It's not me complaining or me thrown in his face. Like, oh, your dad doesn't know about me. Like, you know, but it is. It's just like look this is my family. We have all the love in the road to give. And we want to give it to you like you're worthy. You can't accept the love. So take it. I think now we're starting to continue to deal with that. Now that Levi sister leeann is pregnant, and I'm like, well, that's. You know, leave are not married, but we're definitely committed in in love each other. I would consider that little boy my nephew. I wanna be there for him. And I want to go to the hospital when he's born. So navigating those logistics now are are. Putting up some questions that leave I need to figure out. I think. We're going to take a quick break here. They right. Let's just ground conversation for a second. There's two point two billion people who use Facebook. That's about the size of Christianity. There's one point nine billion people who use YouTube. It's about the size of Islam. Welcome to sleep walkers a podcast about how technology is changing our lives in ways, we don't even notice. 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And he's now passed away if I were to die tomorrow would Jared job it'd be like a stranger funeral, and he's the most important person in my life. And like would you feel comfortable coming to my funeral? Would he be allowed to mourn my dad's like that sounds morbid and like heaven forbid that happened? But like. If they happen tomorrow that would be reality. So yeah, I kind of do live with anxiety. Sometimes and it it it's frustrating. But I try to remember that I think it is temporary. I don't think we'll be in the situation forever. And again, I've been there. I know what it is like to come out to a family member. And it is not easy. Levi. What's your relationship like with Jared's family like Willie? Which is hard because. You just like, you know, like when you're doing like a shitty thing and. Like good people. Like, no that. It's like shitty. Also. But they're still like. Nice to you. When you feel like why are you? Remember, this one time we had only been dating maybe a year not even that long Jared, grandma, this eighty year old woman we were like leaving just like so casual and she just like. Gave me the sweetest hug inch like in my issues. Like, I love you. And like I was just like so taken aback by that. And like. So I like inside my head about it injured could tell something was wrong. Like, he always does he like can read my mind craze, eight psychic and really driving home. And he's like what's wrong and told him and he was like, oh my gosh. Like, I'm sorry to that lake upset you that she said that was like, no, I love her too. But it's hard. The having this matriarch of his family a woman. That's her age grew up probably the way, my grandparents did and. Knowing that like. I couldn't reciprocate that from my family. Leave. I can't help emotional about that moment. This moment or he'd really been seen and accepted by family for exactly who he was. It was the opposite of his relationship with his father where he had to pretend all the time that he was someone else when I was in high school. He says that his dad insinuated that he might be gay. It doesn't do that anymore. Now, they just don't talk about it. And that's both good thing about thing. It's a good thing because it's made communicating with data a lot easier for Levi too bad thing. Because Levi feels a lot less urgency to actually come out to him. It's kind of like. A don't ask don't tell kind of policy with him. I think where. The really aren't any logistics because he just doesn't really ask any more which is kind of a catch twenty two because. It's I think that in my mind, it's like, oh, that's a good thing. Because I haven't wanted to tell him. But it also I think has like caught me now on this plateau where I've lost that sense of urgency to need to tell him in things he happening and things keep coming up that. Our Jared is relationship suffers from because I feel if I've now lost that sense of urgency because my dad has lost interest not that these lost interest. But just I think that he's a smart guy. And he knows what he wants to know. And he knows how to know only what he wants to know if that makes sense, what are some of the landmarks. You've set for yourself where you've said, okay. I'll tell my dad, and then he didn't end up doing. It was I'm going to come out to him. Once I graduate college. I'm going to come out to him. Once I get my own insurance. I'm going to come out to him once I finish nursing school. Now, I'm going to come out to him when my sister has this baby. Well, the baby that's next month next month. So and the baby's like not going to really. Communicate for maybe another year. So maybe I haven't till his first birthday, and I get lost in these scenarios that like I said, I lose the sense of urgency feel like subconsciously, I kind of almost think that maybe if I'm like Kat that would almost be easier. I mean. Yeah. Maybe if he finds out, obviously, that's not what I want to happen. But I think that something is like maybe if he just like catches me being gay that would just bite the bullet. It would just be over with and whatever happens happens. I said I don't want that to happen by even this podcast. It's like I don't want to not. Celebrate my relationship with Jared because. Of my own hindrances. So if you're talking to your dad right now and just being radically honest. What would you want them to know about your relationship? Jared. I think that outside of being my partner, I think that as a person my dad would actually like Jared, and I don't want the fact that I have chosen to lie about Jared to taint how he used Jared as a person I think I would just want him to know like how much Jared honestly takes care of me all of the time emotionally financially. I'm back in school. I worked two days a week. I don't really know how my dad like thinks that I'm able to make ends meet. And I would be like Jared is the connection that makes those ends meet like I would be unravelled if Jared didn't make the ends meet because I think my dad cares about me in my wellbeing. And I just think my wellbeing attributed to Jack. It's a tribute to our relationship. It's funny as an outsider because Levi his data talk on the phone, and like the love is there like his dad is head over heels obsessed with Levi they make each other laugh in the joy in the love is there. He is concerned, you know, he'll call say Levi. What are you have to have you hidden good like the conversation and the love is there. It's just the fear of will. They say never speak to me again. I remember when I was gonna come out to my family. I'm like, oh, they're going to kick me out. You know, they're going to take away all my money. They're my dad's gonna punch me, you know, you just you run through every scenario in your head in. There is a scenario author that has happened with some LGBT Q individual. And it's real those things have happened in those things will continue to happen. And I just think the bottom line is fear in the yearning for acceptance by his dad in that. Of the family. Mike may just come out and say, yeah, you guys were gay. We love that. But it makes us nervous now about the lie that we've had for seven years. It's one thing to be gay. But now it's another to be like, by the way, we've been living together and we're thinking about getting engaged in. Oh, so you know, where have I been this whole time? So that it adds another layer of the whole that we've kind of dug ourselves into it's not necessarily about coming out. It's about the lion. This point because me being gay is out of my control. But what I do about. It has been in my control. And I feel like I can't take back. Those choices that I've made that are like now going to affect not me. I mean, they will affect me. But not only me at this point but affect Jared at affect. My sister affect my brother-in-law effect. My friends essentially affect now like my nephew affect my dad. It just kind of spun out of control in. I lose perspective of that not about me being gay. But about me lying all at the time. It's no longer about coming out for Levi. That's more about the lie. More about the fear that his dad is not only going to reject him. But also reject this entire life that he's built with Jared. Levi. Jared been together seven years now. They live together. The talk about getting a dog getting engaged, but neither of them wants to take that next step the engagement or the dog without telling Mike, I think that. It would almost be like starting our marriage off on the wrong foot by not closing that door before we like walk into another, and I want, you know, enegagement is such a special occasion indefinitely something in our future in I want Levi's dad in that side of the family to me my family. My parents have been married over thirty years. And they are what makes me want to be in a committed relationship. It makes me want to love for a long time. And you know, I can remember at Levi's college graduation leave. I was like my dad's sitting in section c ace it on the other side of the arena where like what I am. But going into a commitment like in a gauge -ment I want Mike to see that. I'm not just this sled gay boy running around town without a home to call. I have a family. I have people that love me and support me and support Levi and one us married. Want us to be committed in? Have kids in in love each other till death do as part, and I want Mike to see that. I want him to experience my family just as much as Levi does. And as crazy as it sounds like. I think I would like want my dad to be there. At the wedding. So I would tell. I think he would need to know before at some point. Invite them to a party. We're having a barbecue come over. Prize? I think the perspective that's lost is the amount of. Emotional labor, and he Shantz that. Is required from Jared's perspective. It's overshadowed by the. Crazy fact that we're dating I'm not up to my dad, but honestly, a lot of that burden falls on Jared because that's not really his choice. He doesn't really have control over that. But yet he's still chooses to be the partner to me that he is. Love you. Choose it. It's funny. I can go back to every tiff leave and I've had about this situation or an argument that we shared in. We've never used the word break up, or I don't want to be with you those conversations or tactics we've argued or had never been on the table because we are committed twenty other. We love each other through thick and thin. And I think that's what's kept us together for so long. And we'll keep us to. Episode was hosted and reported by Jo Piazza special. Thanks to leave. I dose and chaired Riley. It was produced an edited by Ramsey with life sound recording. By Chris Siegel and mixing tristen McNeil. The executive producers are Joe Piazza Tyler cling and Julie Douglas theme song and music by tristen McNeil for comments suggestions are to be part of the show. Give us a call at four zero four nine nine six one one seven three that's four zero four nine nine six one one seven three or citizen Email at Joe at committed podcast dot com. That's J O at committed podcast dot com. You can grab a copy of Joe's book how to be married on Amazon or wherever books are sold committed as a production of iheartradio and produce studios. Located in Georgia for more podcasts from iheartradio. Visit the I heart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome back to the Bob left sets podcast. That's right. We're back with all new episodes with your favorite musicians, comedians promoters, and behind the scenes people just like my newsletter where I analyse the issues I'm gonna go deep with the guests. So if you want to know what's going on in the entertainment industry, you've got a tuned into the Bob left sets podcast on the iheartradio app. Apple podcasts. Wherever you listen to your podcast.