Mini-Ep 57: Gaslighting at Work

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Today's episode is brought to you by a stitch fix excuse me dorey. Yes. Where did you get a very cute, necklace humoring? Well, Kate, I got it in my most recent stitch fix box stitch fix is an online personal styling service that fines and delivers clothes, shoes and accessories to fit your body budget in lifestyle stitch, fix makes it easy to find items. You enjoy a pair you with a personal stylist that hand picks five items that they then sent right to your door try everything on and if you don't like it, you can easily return it all shipping. Exchanges and returns are free. It's that easy. They're styling fee is only twenty dollars, and it goes towards anything you keep I also got some maternity clothes in my box, which I was very thankful for and Kate. You got that really cute gray sweater that you're wearing just happened to be wearing today. I wear it all the title of it. 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But if you wanna leave us a voicemail, it's seven eight one five nine one zero three nine zero in our Email is thirty five podcast at g mail dot com. So hit us up as Kate would say on the jeans. Ooh, I like where you're going with that on the gene have used that have that as a Kate ISM. Did not make that up you. Oh, so charming horrible. I winced. When you set it. You know, what you got me back by recently using the word prod shirt in our spring good. That was a good one prods still makes me laugh. Speaking of prods, we have a question looking for prod recommendation, right? Let's hear it. All right. Hi, Kate and Dory on my name is Anne. I'm calling from Lancaster, Pennsylvania. I'm calling because I have been listening cheer podcast on twenty eight years old. So I'm not quite thirty five. I'm a little on the younger, and you know, just getting started in my career a lot of money to spend on skin care. I, you know, I'm curious in my question is you guys have any sort of recommendations or like a starter kit for someone that you know, doesn't know much about skin-care or what kind of products do you use or what to use them for because you know, they've been listening. I've been literally binging your podcast all day every day at work. So it's a lot of information being thrown out me and little our default. So yeah, I was thinking of these is to come up with some kind of starter kit. That'd be cool with some products that I can like, you know, start off with. I would be great cool. So hopefully, I will get some feedback on that. Thanks have a good day by well. Hello Anne in Lancaster pill. You welcome. Mish. Country a beautiful place. Lancaster is certainly is. Well, wouldn't it be fun to make up our own starter kit? It would be I don't think we're quite there yet. We do have thought about this definitely thoughts on how you can make your own starter kit because it is a little bit of trial and error and finding what you like my personal suggestion would be depending on what you want. If you're really interested in natural beauty line checkout. A cure a C U R E, you can get it online. You can get it at whole foods this target to target. There you go. They have they're they're on the national side of things, and they have a really great price point. I've I've used a lot of their products, really like them. And I think when it comes to kind of setting up your starter skincare routine. How simple you wanna go is up to you. And what you need. And if you're not having anything going on with your skin, I think you could cleanse moisture is and put on some sunscreen, and then if he wanted to add things in you could get a kind of balancing toner, you could expose. Fully eight with either a scrub or a. Knicks like the pixie glow tonic is is somewhat exfoliating not they saw that a target. You could add in a vitamin suit serum like the mad hippie vitamin C sarum that door uses. These are all things that I think are within a reasonable starter kit price point. But I also think you could just think sunscreen is the most important thing. Yeah. Provided you're trying to prevent Sunday ge- keep your body safe. Make sure you have a sunscreen. Yes, I also just want to say that people love the Sarah v line, but they do have parabens in their products, which some people. Do not want to use an thank you should avoid another people. Tell us don't worry about them. So really, I would encourage you to do your own research on not just parabens, but any product and you're looking into make sure you give it a research. That's important to you Dorie your thoughts. Well, I was just, you know, you're you're twenty eight I was just thinking kind of depends a little bit on what your skin care goals are and what kind of skin you have like if anti aging is the important thing for you. I would get a retinoid. If your skin is, especially dry, you'll want like a richer more hydrating night cream or even perhaps an oil or oil oil. Yes. Squalene maybe something with highly Roenick acid in it. That really comes seals things in the ordinary has a really good price point. And I think available at Sephora it's available. It supports also available on their website. Right. And I think they are really good way of trying out some stuff and seeing what you like what your skin responds to. So that's where I would start. I think the most important things that you can really keep it simple. You can keep it. Some do not need as enticing as it is to have like fifty steps in little guests jars of things you really don't need that yet. So keep it simple. Most important thing. Kate, set, his sunscreen. I would also add taking off your makeup. Great idea. You know, what I found some makeup removing wipes that I really like. Oh, yeah. That I think you could probably get a target thereby honest. Jessica Alba slide. I somehow like just have them at home, and I've been using them. They're really nice. Well, there you go. Well, there you go. Thanks so much. Jessica alba. Dori? Yes, you want wanna kick off the Email? I would love to. Hi, Kate endure. I'm planning a trip to California to visit one of my closest friends who gave birth about two months ago. This is her first baby. And I wanna be a respectful guest will also making our visit fun and a bit of a break for her. We've traveled together in the past and are both really looking forward to spending this time together. Do you have any suggestions of self care activties, we could do together any other tips on how to be helpful when visiting a new mom her husband and parents live there as well. So I wanna make sure I'm a stress reliever and not stress addition. I think just having that thought makes you a wonderful front is very aware of the situation. You're going into I was hoping you might be able to answer this as someone who has had to children's were like, can you think back to those early days, and like what would have been welcome? And what would have maybe seen like? It would be welcomed. But in fact, wasn't I'm a little confused because I can't tell if you're going to visit this friend and the intention is to like help out or you're going, and you guys are. You're going to visit this friend in you're going to do fun activities together. Right. Like, it will because you said, they you travelled together in the destiny she says they want it to be a bit of a break for her. So, but what I can't tell if is is this person providing the break. Oh, I see or are. They are they participating in the break. Do you know what I mean? So listener first things first I would say go into this with zero expectations because you don't know what your friend might need what might be going on with their child with their relationship with their partner just be have zero expectations as maybe don't over plan. Definitely don't over bad. Because really what your friend might need is just like a friend to sit on the couch with while they feed their child or they might want you to hold their child. Will they go take a nap or take a shower or even like, you stay like not to say like you're going to visit this friend to babysit? But like that could be it. Go offer to watch the kid one afternoon while your friend goes and does something. It feels good to them. Sees a movie alone goes to a yoga class, whatever may be offered to make dinner definitely offer to make dinner do lot. See what if there's stuff that needs to be done? You could if you know, your friend like likes to micromanage, maybe chicken, I, but if you think your friend could handle you just doing the laundry without them asking you just say laundry. Yeah. Just do it helping out in little ways like that. Like do the dishes after you'll have dinner. That is just give them a little bit of a break. Yeah. I had a friend. Once I was really stressed out. This happened two times one time a friend came over and she just cooked eggs. Oh, it was so helpful in another time a friend was visiting from California with her visiting her inlaws, and she came over to my house. Folded my laundry for me. Oh, we just sat there and talked. And she folded, my laundry, and those little things like that are so helpful. Yeah. But I also think you know, if you are participating in self-care things in your friend can take a break from their child, you know, plan whatever's in your price range, a walk a manicure together. Yeah. Like, a spa activity or just even like, you know, I was going to also say like, I don't know exactly where we're going in California. But if they have a service late glam squad got a blow out get like get you're gonna blow out get up get your friends to get a manicure in their home. You know, that's one of those services where they come to you. And that could be fun. And then you know, she wouldn't have to worry about child care, and you could do that together. Thank you. Yeah. I mean, I think you're you clearly are going into this really thoughtfully. Yeah. And I think just kind of assessing what you our friend needs because self care looks different for every person. And they literally just need you to like sit there and hang out or they might be like ready to go out for a night on the town. Yeah. It's just play by ear definitely brings some sheep. You know, you can't go wrong cannot go ahead knock around with a sheet mask, right? We're going to take a short break. 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Twenty five percent off your first order on milk and Honey dot com, just use code forever. Twenty five to redeem again, that's milk and Honey dot com code forever. Twenty five or twenty five percent off your first order. So dory. Yes, we talk a lot about therapy here on thirty five two. And we got a really helpful voicemail that I wanted to share with our audience share it high king Dory. Actually, tried to leave a message on before. And I can go on and on about their for so long that me out. So let me try to be very sustain. I love how much you guys talk about therapy. I am a therapist and my sister's your doctoral student and kind of psychology and I go to therapy myself. And and when listening to you gotta talk about there being always so happy to hear you guys talk about it and your experiences with it. I think it takes a lot of courage, and it's also something that I think is changing and society, and we talk about it'd be more in. There's really no shame in it. I just wanted to say something quickly about your recommendation that people see see. Therapists. I'm so glad that you had a good experience. She can wait for a lot of people. I was the second enemy therapist. I've gone to see BT feet, and it's been really helpful for certain things. I've also gone to secretary therapy tuna feet, some of people on issues relationships for south in with my parents and with I work and because before either they they also can do that work. And it's like, oh dynamic therapist will argue that they all said you to work, the Phoebe or stew. But the research shows, this is the most important thing that I wanted to say the research says that it's your relationship with a therapist. That's the predictive actor route. So not the modality if they're not the type of therapy, but the quality of that relationship, and the research is time and time again that that is the most important factor for read it that everybody go to therapy. If you think that you want to. And definitely can't shop around. It's not so much. Whether you gotta see BT or second Antic therapy or any other Serbia assistance therapy, pick your one on it's it's the Ripa therapist. So thank you guys so much for your podcast. It's meant so much to me. And so many of my friends, and how do they think? Well, that was helpful. Agreed is nice. Yeah. That'll so maybe it made me think about my therapist who. I really just like. Yeah. And it was calling. Oh, yeah. Right. I just feel safe with this person. Yeah. That's so important. Yes. I thought that was really great advice from an actual therapist. Thank you, caller, Sarah, color therapist. Why don't I read this evening? I would love them because I think you're going to have great insight here. Why thank you. I need your help and thoughts and how to get over a case of being emotionally manipulated and gas. Let I am a successful career woman with children, and he's strong happy marriage. Last year. I started being setup for a well deserved promotion by my new department lead whom I had had a previous business relationship with that was positive. He built me up, and we got close I trusted him very much long story short about halfway through my working relationship with him. He started to gaslight me insulting me telling me, I wasn't as smart as I thought I was even though he told me the same many times and making me doubt my own memories and self worth. I'm not the only person he is done this with is doing this. With fortunately for my sanity stake. My body threw me into meltdown mode, and I decided to take a promotion in another department at the end of last year in order to Kate take care of myself and get away from him. However, all is not well that ends. Well, I can't seem to quit him. He continues to insert himself into my life. And if I'm honest, I keep trying to let him in. And sometimes I'm even the one engaging him because I genuinely miss him probably because I'm a victim of emotional abuse. And the cycle starts all over fundamentally. I think I do this because I want to convince myself I was wrong about him. And I want the good memories. Back and then I just keep beating myself up because I should be so much smarter than to fall for this. I know I need to go to therapy. But any other thoughts and how I can forgive myself for falling for this. So I can move on quitting my job and getting away from him is not feasible at this time. Hate this guy. I mean just now that we don't like him. We cannot stand him. I mean, I think the first thing to do is. Acknowledged that. You sounds like you have been the victim of a very manipulative person. This is not your fault that you that you quote unquote fell for it. There's a lot of you have a lot of self blame here. When in fact, like this is someone who from what you say has made a habit of doing. This is very good at doing this. This is not on you that this happened. So I think that's like the first thing go away if you can the shame and the blind. Yes. The other thing I would say, and I feel like we've mentioned this before. But it does sound like there's some co-dependency happening here. The kind of coming back and wanting the gases it also sounds like he's obviously gratified by this relationship in some way, and needs it to break that cycle. Unfortunately, like you're gonna have to be the one to walk away. So I would I know we've recommended codependent no more. But I would I would check out that book. I think there's also groups on codependency that might be helpful especially since you say you have been the victim of emotional abuse. So I would go there. And I think you know, as much as you can given that you do still work in the same company as him try to set boundaries. And I don't think it's probably not feasible few to block him. But to the extent that you can try to cut him out of your life at don't interact socially. Yeah. All correspondence is profession is about work. And that's it. And that might I mean, it's really hard to do this kind of stuff in a workplace, and we have no idea how big or small your workplaces. And what the interactions are like in the company called Sherman. There's so many factors, but protect yourself up some some things in place, so that you can exist. I also pause for a second here is this something this person can report HR. Yeah. Good question. Like goat. I don't again. I don't know what your H R is this actionable. Yeah, that's something to consider as well. And I think, you know, setting yourself up so that you can thrive and not have a relationship with this person beyond. Whatever is expected of you at work is and I would say also find some other allies at work. On some other people that you can be whatever that you can be friends with whatever it is that you're getting from him minus the manipulation and the emotional abuse try to get that somewhere else. Good call. You know? Yeah. Maybe you need that positive reinforcement that he, you know, dangles in front of you every so often, but it sounds like you could get it in a healthier way from someone else. I'm sorry. You're going through this. Yeah. It's really tough. All right. So we have one last Email that I enjoyed going to read it. Hi, kate. I was listening to another podcast. I like reply all and remember that they started a holiday slash tradition. A few years ago, you might wanna consider as a part of self care Email debt forgiveness day, it's April thirtieth and the idea is that this is a day when you can respond to any Email that you've been putting off no matter how many days weeks or years have gone by. I know I have those emails that I meant to respond to but then waited too long. And now it is turned into a across the nation. Shame spiral cycle. The idea of Email debt-forgiveness really appeals to me hope you like the idea to maybe a joint episode with reply all is in your future. I love Email debt forgiveness day. That's such a great idea. Yes. Because I need it. Totally. Oh boy. It's like, oh, yeah. There is that Email that oh there's hundreds of emails for me that like now, it's just you feel like it'd be worse to even respond. Yes. Yeah. So everyone April thirtieth just resurrect those emails. God thought of it gives me like makes me almost nauseous don't have to feel bad about it. Right. Because we all do it. Right. We all do it. So now, we are all going to do it together. I also like that reply. All just created a holiday like I want to create a holiday tradition. Let's do it. Okay. Let's think about that. It's come up with one. Great. Okay. Perfect. Well, we'll get on that. Hey, and that's what that's what we'll be doing. We're not making this podcast. We'll talk to speak. I.

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