#91 Dr. Anita: What Youre Really Good At
The Satellite Lounge presents evening with the progressive box. That's you go tickling the Ivories he just saved by bundling home and Auto Progressive GonNa finally by ring for that Gal of Yours Hugo sending my condolences this next one there's in my aw thank you progressive casualty. Insurance Company and affiliates discount's not available in all states or situations welcome. Everybody's time once again for the next chapter with Charlie hedges as he explores turning the page John His life and yours. Hey Charlie Hey Paul. It's nice to be here. You Talk Radio. Hello and welcome all our listens to the next chapter with Charleena's is where we dissect strategies and tactics used by successful people to make life changes necessary for their meaningful life and their meaningful next chapter and I learned from all of our guests and I hope my listeners to do because is it helps us decide what we're going to our next chapter not today. We have a really exciting guests because I'm very I'm very excited about the topic and as I've spent some time with Dr Anita our guest I have <hes> <hes> <music>. I'm looking forward to this show a lot so my guest is Dr Anita and I hope it pronounce your name correctly polite Wilson correct polite Wilson and she's affectionately known as Dr Anita and Dr Anita's served as an executive coach a workshop facilitator organizational development consultant helping people and teams raise their awareness and this is important and what will be talking about and leveraging individual strengths strengths to accelerate organizational performance with over twenty years of experience. She is a scholar practitioner with a deep knowledge. She refuses to call herself an expert. Now we had a long talk about the difference between Deep Knowledge College and expert but she has deep knowledge in Adult Learning coaching mentoring and implementation of organizational leadership initiatives aligned with the goals in exempt in an objectives of corporate government and nonprofit entities so with that. Let's bring on Dr Anita Dr Neto welcome to the next chapter with Charlie. Hello Charlie thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited well. I am excited too because you know you spoke talk to a group of <hes> high level businesswomen e level businesswoman at my wife's group that she runs and she's had for Gosh eight or nine years now called influential women which which is all executive executive women and she said you're meshing your message would be perfect for this. Show which makes me even more excited about talking to you and about how you attain success and using maybe a bit different methodology than we've focused on. I'm such a believer in lifelong learning and you talk about focusing on leveraging your personal strings and I put instead of focusing so much time on improving your non strengths and weaknesses which seems to be seems to be the habit of organization is let's take a look at what you're not good at and let's that's make you good at that when we could be focusing on an entirely different arena talk about that well I am a Gallup certified strengths coach and for those who are not familiar with that. There's a book called strengths binders two point. Oh and I discovered that in the late nineties early to thousands in literally changed my life when understood what my top-five strengths were but then when I really understood what my top two strengths were it made so much more sense and I think the biggest challenge that leaders have is because they're always looking at the deficit. What do I need to do to make things better? What do I need to do to get to the next level? Do I need to do the capture the next audience we seem to forget that that does not necessarily apply to people and that if we help people take what they're good at and build upon that we don't need to worry about about their opportunity areas I e weaknesses unless it's in the interpersonal development skills. That's my personal philosophy because if you're always focusing on what's wrong. How're you ever GonNa feel good about what's right yeah exactly and and and it's what you do right is what macy's successful and if you focus on on developing that area or leveraging as you said that area then you're going to be much more successful than spending all your time on some pity any little thing but I like what you said you said something? I'd never heard before you said you said those kinds of improvements may be good for organizations but they're not good for the people that's right and I think a lot of times leaders seem to forget that organizations are made up of people and to move the Organization for you must move people forward and to move people for you really need to focus on what they're already good at. I like to to present the concept of success partnerships for example if I need to put together a presentation for report and I'm not that good at the research but you are. I'm going to partner with you to help. We get the research done so that I can make the presentation. which is what I am good at? Here's the thing before I get started. I'm going to openly acknowledge and this presentation really really benefited from Charlie's expertise and his subject matter knowledge knowledge so let's give some appreciate into Charlie. What have I done right there number one? I've brought you into the forefront and actually made a whole new audience aware of what you can do and so now your expertise is out there as a leader sure. How cool is that to say? Wow someone acknowledged me in this audience and so now they know what I'm good at so. I don't feel beat up because I'm no good research but I have the good sense to partner with you and give credit for it is oh you do. That's perfect. That's that's amazing and your bill. You're building relationship with that person so if you happen to be coaching or mentoring that person it becomes more about that person than it does become about about you. Absolutely never relationship is certainly going to grow and the trust level between the two of you is going to increase incredibly absolutely and work gets down to relationships. We forget that yeah we're GonNa talk a bit about that and because I saw you know as I was reading through your materials that communication <hes> was was so important in work does get done with relationships and and so many so many <hes> you know I bring this up and and and I'm I'm an outlier in the twelfth step community in that they believe so much in Dan Program and it's the program that brings about sobriety or the end of drug abuse whatever it is and I'm all the time telling them that the program is very helpful. It's essential I mean it is so there's nothing wrong with the program and I and I'm a strong advocate of the program but what makes the differences relationship absolutely to Houma my accountable to whom can i. WHO CAN I go to if I'm struggling wrestling? Do I trust that person. That's what's going to bring about change of life. It's that is that relationship is going to bring about change of life. It's not well. I don't want to say it's not the program. The program helps the program definitely helps but if you only had program without relationship chip it would feel and I think in addition to that the most critical relationship that we miss the mark on is the relationship with ourselves. One of my tag lines <hes> for my facebook page is stabilised to keep it real. We are are blessed to be a blessing and less. We keep it real with ourselves. I we can't keep a real with other people analysts you keep a real then you really don't have a two relationship and so just being being real is huge real enough to say what's going on with me. Where's this coming from? How do I deal with it? I don't know how to deal with it. Where can I find someone to be a success partner for me to deal with it? Whatever that is? He likes success partner. You know I'm listening to a book right now. On <hes> I rarely listen to audio books especially if they're ten hours long but but I'm listening to this audio book called the Book of Freedom and the book doc talks about two different types of cells the small south and the divine self and the divine self does not mean you're you know you're seeing or and right right doing all this kind of stuff but the small self is built on ego which is built on the need for self esteem and the need for self importance and right along with what you're saying if we're focusing on that small self off and focusing and that's based on fair veras what causes us to need greater self esteem or greater self importance and if we can remove that fair and remove that we can we can be ourselves. We're free to be be. The kind of person you were talking about. That is knows yourself is comfortable with yourself and works in accord with that rather than what other people are expecting absolutely. I've heard this wonderful full little acronym for fear falls evidence appearing real and I think I think our president has something different podcast political. The widow were false evidence appearing real. It's a little word that's got a huge impact. In what causes fear is the unknown so I don't know what's going on regardless of the issue or the situation or the circumstances. There's going to be some fear involved in that when we can step back and again keep a real with ourselves so that we can be real with other people that eliminates the power that fear has over US false evidence. Appearing real is basically when we start making up story that I hear because we don't know what we don't know soon as we begin to get some knowledge some information some data points then that fair begins aside. You know you you said once again. You said a statement quickly that really needs to be. Focused on and I'm in the middle of of startups and and in the startup community that is such an important statement you don't know what you don't know and and it sounds like the sound of one handclapping at first but it's not you just do not aware of what you don't know and then when you learn these things you change your entire strategy and all of that seems to work really well together absolutely end just as important as your strengths are our understanding what your strengths are not and that's part of knowing what you don't know. I know I don't know this. That's not a strength. I need to find a success partner th really pretty simple. I think we make it harder than eastern. How would you mean by leveraging <hes> if you know the areas that you're strong in continue to focus on those areas that you're not strong in and again unless it's interpersonal skills because as we've already said were is done through relationships has not to say that we manipulate US people is to say when you have relationships with someone you're more likely to go out of your way for them and they're more likely to go out of their way for you so but when we talk about leveraging our strengths is this is important to know what we're not good at so the we've got the initiative if the goal fine that success partner that we need and therefore everyone has value everyone brings something to the table everyone does? I'm a firm believer in that yeah I I have seen that in all the teamwork that I have done. I mean works with teams that that even the most of the person the lowest regarded person really does have something to bring to the table or the person who really is seen as the biggest irritant on the team one of the examples that I use my talk to leaders. I say okay now now. Think about <hes> negative ned nobody ever wants negative net around but if you've got an important proposal that we're trying to get Paul to accept and I know it and and Dan we think between you and Charlie that we've got this proposal is just GonNa Knock Paul socks off <hes>. Do we want negative net to look at that. Yes we do. Here's why you and I already in group. Think we think is awesome but negative ned might see some things that will pause I was Gonna ask about this is gonNA ask about that. Did you think about the other in that case we can turn from an attitude of negative net. We don't want him on the team to ned brings value because he's going to see the things we hadn't thought about give us a chance to go think about it and presented more complete proposal to Paul which Paul is more likely to say yes to ten in addition. You brought net on your team. There you go. Everyone has value. That's right. That's right sometimes. GotTa dig a little deeper but everyone has value so tell me let's go back just a little bit <hes> I'm curious as business consultants and we always have choices on what we're going to focus our business on and <hes> <hes> and where we're going to market our primary of of deep expertise. I'M GONNA put a deep knowledge and how did you come up with an emphasis on personal strengths as your area of of deep knowledge because it's so resonated with me. I really believe that everyone is packaged with potential for purpose. I believe that and I also believe that everyone is gifted with something to shift them to new levels of success unless you unwrapped that gift and understand what it is you have no idea how much you're shortchanging yourself and because we are so conditioned to define success according to what other people think and believe we don't think in believed that we bring enough value to the table and that's just not true. That's just not true. Ears bring a different value than a nose but we're do. We compared weird what the air can do to what the nose can do. Why do we do that with people that it's so that it's so true? <hes> you talk about <hes> you talk about <hes> what what I recall the the art of self discovery and as a lifelong learner that statement certainly intrigues me. What do you have in mind? When you talk about self-discovery a myriad of things based based on my research? I created a self reflective learning model. It's called shift selfish says coenen investigate fix and team and I love assessments the simpler the better because an assessment is different from a test in that a test is right or wrong assessment is what it is once we discover what is then. What do we do with it? That's the honing in on it so based on the results. You know let's hone in and see what that means and then the investigating is taking a little deeper her <hes> fixing that's really about fixing our self perception so that we can fix ourselves talk and then teaming is going out and finding people that will help support our goals as far as moving forward talk about self perception. How am I going to change my myself? Perception is culturally ingrained. I mean I I've had this self perception since four years old and in many of it has not changed. How do I go about altering myself perception raising awareness and I know that sounds really simple but it's the truth I have recently dipped my toe into the world of diversity and inclusion and I'm <hes> have the privilege of <hes> working with a client in Las Vegas and one of the segments that we work on is called <HES> DOTS and we have an exercise where we'll name off certain aspects of someone's life and we'll ask you to put a dot represent the color of that type of person in your box and at the end a lot of people have just white dots because their world was primarily white or just black dots because the world was primarily black or what have you and throughout the exercise we realized is it when we're coming up? We don't use our parents. We don't pick where we go to school. We don't pick any of that but as we become eighteen and older then we have some choices and we realized that the person who we have become was shaped by factors we had no control troll over and there's no judgment that it is what it is but then once you're aware you can be intentional about moving forward differently and associated with different people in different ways of doing things the key is it shapes our behavior it shapes our thought patterns shapes our approach when we are aware of that we can arrest some things the fast brain says will based on types of people that I've worked within the past and this particular situation. You look like that. I'm GonNa make that assumption. That's that's where biases come in unconscious biases. The slow brain in this is by Daniel Konterman says you know what even though I've seen someone. That looks like you in. This looks like a similar situation. I'm going to be intentional about dealing with you on a case by case basis and let's have a different outcome so the message that I have is we raise awareness so that we can create new experiences for ourselves and others because you're absolutely right. The perspective that we have is the perspective that was baked into us when we were younger. We don't know any different unless we he's our awareness and you yourself told me you'll take a month long vacation not as a tourist to immerse yourself in culture to understand how other people think and be an an approach and that's all we're asking people do is raising awareness no judgment segment about the way you raised but now that you are aware you're also responsible to do some things differently. How do you encourage people who are stuck in their way of thought to begin to alter their perception? That's a really good question. You can't force people know and I'll be honest with you. The classes that I'm teaching people are required to be there and they come in with their arms crossed Stan not necessarily wanting to engage but by the end of class everyone has changed the room full of people that I see at eight A._M.. is a different roomful of people that I see at five P._M.. R._V. taken an assessment during that process. It's a slight assessment. They do a lot of journaling. We take them to a lot of exercises and ask them all right <hes>. How inclusive of a leader do you think you are? We'll take them through an exercise and the next question will be how will you lead differently based on what you felt in discovered and we usually start with debriefing feelings I because even though we're in a logical thinking world so to speak people weren't based on their feelings if I don't feel included if I don't feel valued you're not gonna get the best Outta me so we help people to I process those feelings so that they can understand if you're talking about being inclusive leader. You need to include everything about everyone. Psychological safety are people safe enough to show up and do their best without feeling like you're trying to turn them into someone that they're not Poi-. Safety is a big word <hes> I. I WANNA come back. I think I'm GONNA I think I'm GonNa Start with that. I WANNA come back after our break and we'll we'll talk a little bit more about safety because is I think it's a <hes> I think it's a roadblock to discovery and change so let's take a quick break. We'll come right back all right. Thanks uh uh-huh Titus Charlie hedges and you're listening to the next chapter with Charlie and I am here with Dr Anita Polite Wilson who is I want to say expert but she doesn't like the word expert she likes the word. She likes the Word D._D.. Knowledge she has knowledge that she has deep knowledge so I have to be careful pillow by using the word expert without getting a sly look from across the Dave don't like the word expert and it's it's because in my experience people who put themselves experts are not open to changing their frame and I absolutely am as a matter of fact when I go in and work with people I tell them I'm looking forward to learn as much as I share so that's my thing and and you know and I you explain that to me over lunch and I <hes> I'd. I'd which I didn't feed you so I'll be back. If you'll have me. I'll be back. I so agree. I saw agree with that that that one must be willing to. Due to evaluate critical critical places in belief systems and and C._N._N.. I've and I've I've adjusted my belief systems radically very radically I I I'm telling people don't believe anything I say today that because tomorrow probably change my mind and it's not that I'm being whimsical. It's that new data could arrive. That's irving. I could get new data that says boy. You know what you thought was true. There's some data that's that's challenging that thought and you need to consider it. You need to read up on it doesn't mean I just changed my mind because somebody throws me a data point but I will. I will take a look at it. It's right and and make some changes now. We were talking about safety <hes> psychological safe psychological safety and that's you oh on your maslow's chart. I believe that's number two on the maslow's chart I believe you know physical food and shelter and all that but I believe safety and security at believe you're right is number two on maslow's chart of hierarchy the of and and and if somebody doesn't feel safe in their change it's going to be very difficult for them to make that change well before they even begin the chains they need to feel safe in in recognizing and sharing what is <hes> remember. I like to <hes> define assessment as the results are would is not right or wrong. There's nothing right or wrong with people. It's what is now how or people showing up. How are people engaging? How are people interacting there are more productive behaviors and of course there are things that are right and wrong this way have sexual harassment training and things like that but when it comes to people how are made up there is no right or wrong? It's what is what do we do with what it is that we find yeah. That's perfect. That's perfect time. I'm I'm strange believer and there's not a whole lot of right or wrong but just is and you know there's I guess I prefer better best you know <hes> but but safety is is somebody has to be able to to compromise their safety or to let go a little bit of their safety to just walk into a new area. You know he said I like to go to other countries and learn about cultures. I mean I've changed my idea about culture and about about American American culture and it's not that I'm against American culture but I've come across so many different cultures in so many different ways of life that I've I've learned so much from it in it's and it's impacted my life personally. Eh a tremendous amount now now. I'm going to change topics a bit because what I wanna hear about is that you use an instrument called strength finders. Guess I love strengths finders. Tell me about strength finders because I'm I'm not sure all other people on our show strikes familiar with it is a tool that was created by the Gallup Organization. I think pretty much everyone familiar with Gallup do political polls and you know opinion surveys and things like that and <hes> strengths finders is an assessment that of thirty-four strength it will give you results in your top five strengths <hes> everyone has different combination of strengths <hes>. I believe the last statistic I read was that you know so many point billion people all do not have the same strength but if they did let's say you and I had had the same five strikes that would be in a different order but even if in the unlikely you know event that we have the same strings in the same order we use them. Differently and strengths really helped me as a young professional to figure out why didn't always fit into <hes> a box because I'm around pig not only that when I really understood you can be aware of your strengths but to really understand Dan. Your strengths takes your ability to be productive in a whole new level. My top strengths are maximize and influencers so I'll just ask you if you just think about those different strings they are they are I'm sorry maximize and <hes> later so if you think of the word maximize. Do you think that that's about me seems you will take a situation wherever it said and you will take it to the next level. That's right as it relates to people now if you think about the where relator what do you think that means about me I think that means you're good with people right in and and people are very important in your life and you make them important in your life absolutely if you take that top strength of maximize bringing out the best and relator later people being important <hes> a maximize your helps to people get exactly where they're trying to go and beyond where they thought they could go and relator bills deep relationships by helping people reach their goals says a facilitator as a personal development coach even as a cycle instructor those two top two strengths of maximize relator are consistent across my life. I don't care what I do and my personal mission is to influence everyone to discover develop and deploy their strength every day because I believe in it's so much when people can nail what they're good at. They can just build on that and be good at that across every area of their life we need to show up consistently whether it's for personal or professional endeavors and the strengths you can do that. Those are critical strikes for coach absolute or a mentor facilitator or or what was what was it turn that I that I that I there's a mentor and there's a a sponsor. Yes Yeah Dan just learning about sponsor sponsorship and and I think it's I think it's even more vital than than mentoring yes. Yes those are key key roles on a personal board of Director your coach your cheerleader your leader your sponsor your mentoring champion absolutely what could you got names deep knowledge so those are so those are perfect for a coach. I mean those are ideal though would make you you know that would make me want to say boy. I WanNa work with Dr Anita because she I get that she cares about me as an individual cares about my success and she can maximize my success and it's so genuine I gotta share the story with you. I was in Vegas with my client a few weeks ago and <hes> another company was there on some kind of <hes> corporate sponsored event and the gym was packed so I went downstairs still dark in the morning I was just trying to find safe route and I came across this young man who is ahead of miss it. Excuse me are you walk in running. He said I'm walking. I said well D- mind if I trail you. I don't WanNA interrupt your your private time. Can I want you know behind you. He said no come walk with me. We talked for an hour about strengths. I didn't know him. He didn't know me. He offered to buy me. A SMOOTHIE got back. You said you know I would you to be my coach. He lives in New Jersey a month later. We're coaching together because the authenticity of what I feel about people's potential is so real someone that I didn't know someone who lives in a whole nother state has been my client for the last three weeks. What what what are the challenges you face as a coach in in strengths really helping people to recognize it for what it is and so before I can really get into their strengths when I do the assessment with them? <hes> for instance there was this one young woman who's just phenomenally successful. Just she built a a mill multimillion dollar company soul her sharing it and went and bought a plane and ran a training institute. She's got <hes> a nonprofit she just phenomenal and when I was telling you about strength being an entrepreneur she's trying to save money so instead of buying a new book with the code food she buys a used book and look through strength and tries to pick her strength. I can you just humor me spend the twenty five bucks. Get the book so that you can take the actual assessment so the five that she chose for herself. Two of them were right on the money the other three. She didn't guess and she said You know I'm not sure about these three so and talking with her I said well. Let's look at this one. Don't you do X._Y._Z.. Yeah that's the strength. Let's look at this one. Why aren't you doing A._B._C. This way yeah? That's this drink so let's look at this swim. Why aren't you leveraging this? When you do these things here I am so now? Do you believe in your strength. She said Yeah I never thought about. I said that's because their strengths you use them all the time and that's the whole point of leveraging leveraging our strengths. It's who we are. Why on Earth would we try and do something different? That isn't who we are make ourselves miserable the process quite helpless to norris drinks because it helps us identify an emergent theme in our life our purpose I think I know that my purpose is really helping people be their best and again whether that's in the corporate board room or in a spin cycling class I can see the potential that people don't see themselves and can help nejd sometimes push them in that direction and when they discover it for themselves. It's life changing. It really is and I don't mean to be dramatic. It is life changing. Oh I I firmly believe that I I <hes> I took strength finders. You know when it first came out and <hes>. I wish I could remember what my my strengths were. <hes> you can take it again. I thought about doing it. I thought about taking it before. He came came on the show and I didn't. I just didn't get the book quickly enough to do it. <hes> but I'm I'm. I'm in the middle of you know at at sixty-nine. I'm a lifelong learner and I have I have a coach and we're working on a thing that the many of the listeners are familiar with and it's called archetypes and one of my archetypes of one of my in would come out in strength finders someway. I don't know the name but it's the leader. I don't know what what name would that come matters well strings fines has domains therefore domains there is executing relationship-building influencing strategic thinking so I would think that leader would either go under influencing or strategic thinking yeah and I just came back from Africa dot com and and I I made a <hes> an which my leadership capabilities really emerged in a very very strong way and and I have evaluated. Are you waited with my coach. You know what kind of leader I am that I very collegial yet not afraid to make a decision when decision has to be made but but I work with people so people don't feel like I'm coming in and dictatorial. There were working together unless I have to do something but just that knowledge doctrine needed just knowing that leadership was one of my strengths and seen other people. Bull respond such away really helped me be a better leader. I don't know how you know what it did but it helped me you know the being cognizant of the fact that leadership was a a strong aspect of my personality that are my talent list was very helpful not that you would need it but I would say to you or anyone. It's just another indicator of our self confidence when we know what we know what we know we can walk into any situation to be confident and it doesn't matter that I'm not showing up his Charlie hedges. I'm not Charlie hedges. My strength is Dr Anita his strengths this Charlie hedges together. We make a powerful team but I don't have to be intimidated by Charlie. 'cause I know who I am poor. That's brilliant. I really love that. Don't have to be intimidated by somebody else. Because that's not my strength that stairs MHM and we can is this leveraging we can work together and we can leverage that as a team absolutely and we can together we can produce an even better product and and I think and I think knowing it. I don't remember if we talked about it or the radio. We talked about it before but the book that I'm reading the talked about the small south to talk about that on era already I think so just a little bit <hes> but you know depending on on our are influenced by the need to be my self esteem needs myself important needs if I know I'm a leader in and I know I can do that. Well that diminishes miniatures that small south that diminishes that need for Eagle because I'm not doing it for ego. I'm just doing it because it's natural ability here. You go that your self actualization right there and I'm and I'm having fun doing absolutely and and doing it well and doing it in a relational manner I means other people are accepting of IT and other people appreciate above it. Nobody's feeling you know that I'm that I'm coming in and take over. That's right. I think there are two points that I wanna make about strengths number. One often times in the office folks have challenges with other people again because they don't understand their own greatness if I'm so busy looking at Charlie's greatness and Paul's greatness and what makes you too so awesome I can be intimidated by that but if I don't recognize my own greatness and what makes me awesome in my own right there's no way that I can ever feel like I can be partners with you that said I know that a lot of people have concerns about only focusing on your strengths Franks well. That's not to say that there there there is not room to grow when you're looking at your strength I had mentioned the four different domains <hes> strategic thinking influencing relationship building and executing when I have done this with teams oftentimes especially in the Aerospace Oh space industry which I just came out of a team would be very light in people with the influencing skill but that's okay if I ask you what's inherent in relationships. What would you say just a few things respect to loyalty <hes> inherent in relationships compatibility but but respect as big for me respect is a big word and and loyalty if we have respect and loyalty for one another we have a relationship it means we have influence with one another yes right so if you've got a team and your light in the domain of influencing but you've got folks that are strong in relationship building because influence is inherent in relationships you can leverage that into domain of influencing and so back to our early example if we need to present a proposal all too Paul but we don't have anyone who specifically strong in the influencing skills we can take someone who is relational who can bill that bridge and deliver that message to Paul in a different way but still have have the result of someone who's strong influencing the make sense and that is the other beauty of strengths? You can still grow and develop but it's going to be so much more comfortable in means so much more because you're doing it in an area that you're already strong in not an area that you struggling googling in what do you do with years. You're struggling in find somebody else seriously. You're laughing but I'm serious. I believe it. I love it so when I have not my job is not not my job and to meant to often managers. Try and make their people quote unquote. Well well rounded. No you're making them miserable so we if you and Paul were my team and you had something on your performance review for the last three years and he had something on here's performance review for the last three years it's been three years is not likely going to be addressed but as a manager that's aware of strengths I say well you know what Charlie Lemme give this Paul because he's actually good at that and Paul. Let me give this to Charlie because he's actually good at that. I'm the manager I can make those determinations. You're happier Paul's happier. Productivity is up engagement is up and everybody goes home. We need you coach him more manager. Hello Call Me <hes> I know we're we're growing near end of time and I've got a few more questions but I do want to <hes> I read this on your website and it intrigued me because we live in an age of virtual communication. We live in an age where one on one communication I mean you can see I think as you wrote you got five people at the table and everybody looking at their smartphone and and is not even a dialogue going on and you wrote in your website I quoting from your website. My research demonstrated that are people feel connected through joint dialogue either one on one or group interactions are more willing gene to embark on a path of joint discovery that full facilitates the revelation of deep patterns belief and perhaps actions but it's that people who have learned to communicate are more willing to embark on joint discovery ventures. What are we going to do about that in this in this generation you know? I don't know I will tell you that was born out of my research. <hes> research was around the success factors of young adult African American women and I got young women and season women together talking about was necessary to be successful in the workforce and I used a method call the world cafe which has never been news for Research Before One of my dissertation committee members told me and I'm very action oriented person <hes> we need to talk with just get it done. There's something to be said for conversation when I work with leaders. I asked them when you listen. Are you listening to solve or are you listening to understand and there's a huge difference because when we listen to understand we might find that we're not part of the solution other than to say Paul is a subject matter expert in and let me connect you with him and so it goes back to really listening. If we were just listen to each other I was working with another consultant in San Diego and he's got this wonderful activity about how to have a healthy disagreement disagreement say what you're going to say and before you respond actively listen or paraphrase with the person said find something to agree with and also and then state your point. How is that because I'm acknowledging what you said? There's something in there that I agree with and oh by the way here's how I feel. We just have to listen. That's do teach listening. I can well my husband might not thanks so yeah that is a that's a whole different subject and it is you know covey forty years ago listen with intend to understand rather than the intent tend to be understood and Saint Francis of Assisi seven four hundred years ago ever how many years ago said exactly the same thing that listening as really critical well we are reaching our time went so fast. I know it went so fast and I feel like we barely covered. What what I wanted to cover if I may I WANNA leave with one gem please do going back to Stephen Covey? One of the seven habits is <music> seek. I understand before being understood and I help leaders just used three pieces of that helped me understand it is revolutionary as far as teaming help says as the leader I can't do it by myself. Me Says as a leader owning nece and understand says you as the person that either I support or I lead you probably have information that I need how empowering is that for folks folks for their leader to need them for their leader to admit they don't have all the answers and for their leader to be authentic intransparent insecure enough to say that if leaders were to use those three words help me understand it would revolutionize the dynamics on their team and that that's what I like to leave folks with. I love that help me understand understand how me help me understand this and you giving credibility to the people you're strengthening your team. Your strengthening that individual and you are actually learning in the process and you're proving you're a good leader. That's right three simple worries about as powerful as I love you yeah. That's great yeah. Well Dr Anita thank you so much would be my guest is today in my pleasure and I have something for you. I always love to coach Mentor folks in one of the Young Ladies That I've been coaching and mentoring for a while she just opened a new business. It's called Sugar Mama sweets and you're gonNA love that that is for you and Pam so Japan. You're listening. Make sure Charlie shares golden box with the red ribbon on it for you. Yes I have a golden box with the red ribbon that I'm not allowed to my Lonzo may open it so I'm opening a box while we're <hes> that has sugar Mama <hes> sugarman sweets. Yes yeah just as I'm on a diet. That's <hes> that's perfect. I don't pay attention to anyway we shouldn't they don't count between now and the end of the that's right on the end of the year. Well thank you again for coming on the show. It's been wonderful. Thank you ever tation is been an honor and a treat. It really has been great. Thank you and I wanNA thank all our listeners for tuning into the next chapter with Charlie and be sure to check us out at on our website <hes> the next chapter dot life l._i._f._F._e.. And until next this is Charlie and hedges signing off by for now.