S5E11: Guest: Mats - Boyfriend Wants to Watch Me With Other People
Hello everybody and welcome. Come back to the annual annuals. The right word for our annual Valentine's Day episode with my boyfriend. Marcus MOTT's hello. Are you so excited to be here. Stoked awesome great cool. It's the third one one. Yeah yeah figure really excited for the second one. Yeah Yeah what you came in like guns blurred for the second one. Yeah I mean I felt like the first one of the mouth breathing and a mouth breathing knows whistling and so then. What's what's your feeling this time? How are you going into this I just WanNa give good advice. Okay well you also want to be entertaining. We'll yeah but good advice. Prices inherently entertaining. Not No it's not. Hopefully advice is inherently entertaining. So I'll just give us out get bad advice drugs. Yeah well just just checked doing health and medical professionals Russia. I was just GONNA say. Make sure you're doing what you think you're doing guys if your new haired this isn't advice podcast. If you WANNA call in for an upcoming episode come on baby take it away. And it isn't all the upsets. So what's the phone number on the even the area code Through and zero. They we go because Los Angeles three one zero area coats is their three zero six nine four zero nine seven. Six is our phone number if you WANNA give us a call And if you're an internationalist or you can send there's an audio message at Megan podcasts. At CHIEL DOT com. So are you so excited because they know your again a huge fan of the show. You've such nice ankles ankles have such fat ones okay. Let's go again. I'm just calling. Ah I I wanted to say that I love your podcast. Also I wanted. I thought it was kind of funny that I also Eleo. My birthday is August and my boyfriend has also a Catholic Horn. We have also been together for over four years urge over coming up to four years but my question is we do not live together. We've been trying to save up to buy a house for for a while now And for whatever reason just feel good so unattainable like something always comes up or we'll be really. I'm good at finding money saving money and then something else comes up and I just I just know I feel very discouraged and I know that he does too and I feel like against you're putting a lot of distance on our relationship We don't live very far from each other but we both work full time. It's just I want to be together. We want to start our lives together. He's my best friend. I love him more than anybody in the world and I just we just want to start our lives together but for some reason it feel really hard so I wanted to see if you have any advice on saving money and and maybe you're trying to get the money for a house I did move out before with previous boyfriend and it didn't work out so I'm he's still living at home and my boyfriend's still living at home and Yeah I just wanted to see what advice he might have on saving money and moving out. Thank you love your podcast by your leg. Set the questions for May Yeah I purposely. The last time we talked about this about like picking questions you were like. They wanted to have any conventions for Ned and stuff off that I was like. Oh for Ned. We like. We got some finance question like someone asked to finance question. Your hope we get a finance. I mean I think I also unlike check my privilege here in the sense that I didn't go to college so I don't have any student loans. I don't have any debt like that and because I started making money. I don't want this to be a humble brag. I just wanted to be like I can't speak from like pinching pennies experience but I didn't grow up with a ton of money but I became financially independent when I was like eighteen. Nineteen and the thing I think about saving and we've talked so at this on our faith our private facebook group got a question talking about saving money and I was like the whole thing was saving money as you should feel like. You're saving money it. There is no cheat of being able to do everything everything that you WanNa do while still saving money and I think that and I even think about it now because I definitely to be super transparent made way more money than I do like now like when I was uploading and like the Golden Age of Youtube. And you're getting millions of us on a video and all of that sort of stuff It's cutting back on like luxuries and things that you don't need an I personally think that you pick one. It's not like okay. I'm going to do all the things that I don't get rid of two. I think that it should be okay. If you like. Do you WANNA get lash extensions. Do you want to get your nails done or do you WanNa go get massages is like pick your vice. And the other thing I would say like the small things shop seasonally for Grocery shopping And making sure that you're not spending useless money on I don't know like subscription APPs like all of that sort of stuff and just cutting out those things it should kind of suck should kind of feel like I really want to do that and I think foam it was a really good motivator and not going out with your friends all of the time and spending money and doing that kind of stuff. I think those are those things I can speak on for. Like what I we're saving for a house and that's also Los Angeles so I also wonder where you live because that will play a huge factor but those are the things that I would like right off the bat say is it should feel like you're saving money like and it should feel like kind of sucky and good at the same time. What about you Mr Finance Bro? Knowing where you live would be A little bit helpful because it definitely changes the calculus and you know How you get to where you WANNA go It it also my me and that if home ownership is like the real goal like that is the thing then unfortunately like you. I have to think like that. You might have to think about relocating like if you're in L. A.. It's so much harder than it is in place like Nashville lawyer. Portland's pretty hard. Yeah I mean it. It's just more difficult by without knowing that I'll try and be like as broad as possible. One thing that a lot of people don't realize that it's really easy to do if you go into your online a credit card portal or your online bank account. you can actually export Your transaction history and do an excel sheet. I know most people are like fuck. You know if you really WanNa like manage this this you can go. You can download it And you can you google like a couple of easy formulas that help you like separate things by date or by like you know if you sign things like categories like groceries you know Entertainment or like nights our whatever you can kinda sore by month like how much you're spending on each one and it can be. It can be a little jarring. I think like a lot of people. Don't the realize like how much they're spending on certain categories or things each month and once you kind of have all that stuff delineated knitted until like a pretty easy to navigate like summary. Then you can start thinking about like what you do day-to-day in like like where you can make like fairly easy cuts. So if I think back for myself when I was making a lot less money You know in looking back on houses spending it even like two years ago I was I was still going out like a fair amount of still spending alive on like bar tabs. You know spending a lot on like nights out with my friends and while I still do those things. It's it's much more of like a special occasion you know maybe like once a month once every two weeks and even then I'm very conscious about How much I'm spending like an In an actual like night out like in a single session The other thing that you can do is If you depending on who you bank with you can actually probably set up a consultation with. It's like a private wealth manager for free. I would say after that. You know. They'll charge fees on like transactions they do on your behalf and things like that but that's really valuable The person that I use I've used since I was in middle school and it's sort of like it. Even though I only talk to her maybe like four times a year. It's pretty invaluable. Like just speaking with Thir like an hour each time you know telling her about like what I'm thinking big things. I want to spend money on the future like you know. If I'm starting to make more money issue make recommendations on like how Shout to Donna by the way I think she listens to this. Actually Donna. The lasting Mary particular to this caller is like if you're paying rent right now. They're not at home they they're living at home. I think you need to move in together like as on a rental and like well. That's not that's going to save US money. Yeah I think they should be thinking that like thinking in the mindset that they have rent and put that money that really good point and I think you need to share your expenses with each other her and then again from the facebook group is your fun money. That's cash you take that you have that cash in once that once. That cash is gone for the month. Then you have no more money you can start a finance podcast now. I'm not not even close. We'll have some of those people. Listen to a lot of those two. Hello I'm friends and I'm in college now. So in kind of a little I I I I I for a while like my rebound out essentially from my relationship would for like a super now seaway whatever it was really bad at work as we as we and it was always like. It's like you all And this was probably back and year on in January. We're looking out for a while and then laughs spray. It kinda got more more serious and we were like the class together. Dr And we worked at the same place. We were like trade dollar shifts rounds. Were always working together. We just like have time together because it not like. I ended up catching stealing a really really nice guy. Whatever and I have I go over there and relationship Kinda like schools have joined her ham? And you all you WanNa do you like what are you thinking. I was Kinda like I know. Just where my heart like this relationship. I don't think I'm ready. I just want you to know. This is where my house I would like to do. I just like I I want to let him now and he all feeling whatever but you'll just out of places library graduate. It's easier like me. He wasn't sure if you I want to get into a relationship and I respect that So we just Kinda got young great need because obviously feeling he's kind of like getting myself Albert anyways and then we like Hannukah caulking summer summer and I realized that like Oh my God I realized I like this whole friends benefits thing. It's really hurting me. So I just Kinda told him I was like I was just talking for a little bit like in like kind of heel and he was like he's a guy you get that that's fine anyway. which is like in the summer? He ended up sending the Super Long Really Nice. How the message it was and we started talking again and and now like I really like you and I really want to date you display like I feel like I damn? I don't know like he's not played. He knows how I feel. Yeah I don't know like try. Just take what he called before and I was like Oh. I don't think I'm ready to do you. Just like respect that and move on or like kind of tell him again like hey listen like I thank you and I want to see something different city. I'm wondering if the same city is now coming up to visit where I go to school soon to someone to see him. I don't so now we all as though I appreciate it. Oh my God. You are an over over communicating not necessarily cogen communicator. But you do communicate a lot of Kudos to. I'm sorry thighs let she needs to be told. Yeah Sickness Fair. That's not necessarily your strong suit. I mean it depends on the situation. Russian here's the thing I think every you've done everything up to this point pretty much absolutely right except still fucking. Yeah that I may not well. It sounded like that stopped for awhile. which was the right call and then like you He this is such a bad word for this but like relapsed. Not The right word I guess like what I would say is. It's a really do anything if you don't know if you're going to be living in the same city in a few months but it also sounds like she wants permission to move. Yeah well in that case like if I if I guess like to use like myself example if I had like. It's not exactly the same but if I had like emotionally chosen where I was going to go live based on like where all my friends were going to go live I have no idea like how that would have turned out. I would've gone in lived in New York and I obviously Salihi probably would've never met Meghan which you know. I wouldn't have been good now. I mean aside from that like a no idea have like you know like would that have been worse from my career. A like all of these things would have been. Yeah or exactly So I don't think like someone that you have feelings for in college should be the thing that's like dictating where you move especially if it's like if you guys are going to college together in like I don't know Miami or something like that. And he's moving to you grin Cleveland Cincinnati Akron. Wherever you move in like six months later blows like that is not good for you So I would you know let things ride and like holders happy memory and works out. We'll let things right implies that like continue tonight. That's not what I'm saying. Sorry it's like I would like cut your losses. Yeah he's okay. Yeah here's what I would say. Now that your advice was in great. I agree with what you said but I think if he really really really really liked you wanted to date you he would. It doesn't seem like he's that far away no and also so him. So you're the first time when you so you didn't go into telling him that you would feelings for him with being like I don't WanNa be in a relationship or anything like that you so you just told them that you had feelings for him. which again I think? That's that's the right call as always say like just say the feelings because you feel them not because you need something in response or you you only feel a certain way if they feel a certain way so you you did everything right there and then but his response of being like why like too but like do you want a date that to me is I hate to say but it's not. It doesn't like you that much because I think then it would be like. I really like you really want to date you. But I'm I'm obviously all four like finding out what the other person wants to do consent to relationships and all that but you saying like oh no not really I think he. I think that was a really nice move for him to kind of give you some sort of power and feeling like that's not what you wanted to do. But I think if that's truly what you not didn't want to do you would have started the conversation with. I don't want a relationship or anything like that and then you would have said how you felt because I think that for him like he obviously cares about you. I don't think either view like each other enough and I think he the Friends of benefits thing we talk about. It's tricky because it's you already like that person as a friend like you really like who they are and then you start sleeping with them and it becomes like a relationship because it's someone who you're friends with who you're fucking and I seen all the time say worked to tossed together like that's it becomes more than like that's like a friends with benefits but more like a rom com sort of thing like you're sleeping with one of your best best best best friends and it doesn't sound like either of you. Were really dating other people and that fills the spot. We don't know that dating other beautiful. Yeah no valid but I think it kind of fills that spot for you and I think if things had continued on if he really. I think if you really had feelings for you the same way that you have feelings for him. I think it wouldn't need to. I don't think you would need to bring it up again. I think it would be something that would get brought up naturally and because because you were the one who came forward with your feelings I because I think if he was the one who said at first and you you shut him down then yeah he probably would feel uncomfortable kind of taking that step and then being like. Hey just to reassess but you. You already did that so I think he knows he's here knows that he could come to you if he wanted a relationship again so I don't think he's yeah I I just I think if it's free you if you need to tell them one more time mm-hmm because you just you need knowstone left on unturned. You WanNa try that. But I don't necessarily know if you're going to get the answer that you want don't and if that's going to be more crushing I would just kind of I dunno walkaway safe bet that a twenty three year old guy living in in a new city without a real relationship that he has a responsibility towards he's definitely at the very least gone another dates which I don't know how you would feel about that? I'm guessing that you don't feel great about that however It's totally fine that he was probably doing that. He is not in relationship with you By if you're kind of like coming at this from from the assumption that he's been waiting for you like be ready. I think that's a bad assumption and you need to think about how that would make you you feel and if you do decide to like come clean with him. There's a pretty good chance that like he'll be like Oh. Oh I'm I'm enjoying dating or like I'm enjoying being single or admit some Monday. It you'll have like an answer you need to like just start making decisions lake AAC Separate from this situation You're probably going to be pretty upset. I mean that's the reason why he didn't want He. He was moving and he's still moving so I don't think that really changes that and also like we said moving to a new place with like starting a relationship like new city. All of that sort of stuff. I think if anything you guys stay friends data their people and who knows you might end up together later but I just don't think the timing for this this is right and I don't think no matter how much you really like someone. You can't change that sort of timing and I think if you push too hard you could fuck like it could back. It could mean that you wouldn't have something later down the line if you guys started dating and you move to another city for like work like you will regret it. Like inherently hampers tempers your experience of moving to new place we talked about. We've had so many episodes like that so keep in mind as well. Should we go onto the next. I am twenty years old and I am in a long distance relationship The guy that I met last year in College And he has graduated and have a full time job and or all things are going really. Well We've been dating for like a year and two months about now And just lately I've been thinking a lot about The way that we have different opinions about things and A lot of them seem like small things but then like if I think about it enough it seems like it could end up being a big deal and I just don't really know how to There's a lot of it especially since we're long distance but Cynically we have had a conversation Numerous Times about oh how we kind of have different opinions on what it means to be supportive And basically I think that if you you are dating or friends with someone or just you know any loved one you should support them even if you don't maybe agree with everything they're doing doing If you're all adult than I think the adult in could do is to just support your one. and He seems to think that but if he strongly disagrees with something that someone else thinks or does that that means that he shouldn't support them. And I just feel very conflicted about it And it kind of confuses me and it makes me feel like maybe be I'm not always going to have his support. which kind of sucks to think about Since I want him to be my partner for a really long time So I guess I'm kind of just asking for opinions Does seem like maybe. Maybe he's being unreasonable. Which I think he is or am? I I don't know I just. It bothers me. That thinks that there are certain situations where he might not have to give me his support initially. Well you're you're you're calling into. I'm pretty sure a horror people who agree to do you want our opinion. Well yes but because she really. Because here's the thing. Do you understand the fucking of this podcast I do. I do understand the premise of the podcast. By also understand that like there's a site there's psychological trick people problem problem that people. I know you're gonNA agree with what I'm about to say. There's a psychological trick that people pull on themselves in which they will like like a reach out to a resource that confirms the way that they think and I think that's a locum to our podcast so nice to. Hey this is what all the fucking time. Yeah and it's our job to tell you that you're wrong. This is this is so oh. I'm sorry if you never listened to podcasts. Ever again but I think this is so off base. I think I don't think that and I don't even necessarily think that you you realize like what you're necessarily saying because okay. Let's say an eye with this with every before for like your friend. Your friend is a raging alcoholic. You don't support them and continuing to be a raging alcoholic like that's not like you support them as a friend as a person you don't necessarily need to support someone's decisions and I think that's why you need to differentiate between your boyfriend can support you but that that doesn't mean he supports every decision that you make because sometimes you make dumb shit you do stupid shit and if your partner is like I support that decision. It's a great idea then inherently they're not supporting you they're supporting bad choices and things that don't actually assist or help you along your life. It's the same thing like I you. You don't support a racist. There's all of these things and I think if you want to also doesn't mean that he doesn't love you you can disagree on something and like Whoa this like we'll disagree on stuff like that all the time and I think that's fine invalid but I think the people who care about you the most are we're gonNA call you out when they say when they don't they see something and they don't think it's the right choice or move to make but your partners shouldn't I should unconditionally. We love you. But I don't think they should support every decision that you make because I think that's it's enabling. Yeah and it's just it's it's so we like what do you you want in a like. I don't know that's just kind of like a side kick like you just want a hype. Man You don't want someone who's GonNa necessarily co like not even just coexist the big collaborate elaborate with you and have that back and forth in that kind of discussion and in turn the same thing. Like what if he'd like. What if they like one day you are married? Let's say and if he decided added that he's like you know what I've decided that I want to I want to. I want to give all of my money away and I want to live in an RV. And you're supposed to support him unconditionally. Because then that it's attached to you. Do you want to sell all. Do you want to get rid of all of your money and live in an RV or or anything if he decides. Hey I wanNA start murdering people and you're like great cool. Let me grab the fucking shoveled. Dude you don't even in like smaller things like. Hey I wanNA suspend I wanted. I want to start spending. I WANNA put fifty percent of our income towards lottery tickets and like. Are you supposed to support that unconditionally. or or if he's like. Hey I wanNA rob a bank. There's all of these different things but if you think even your friends like if your friends like hey I wanted start. I don't know beating people up for the fun of it. I WANNA start doing anything. That's just not cool like no. You don't support people that like like in bad decisions you can support them through the good decisions but I think it's not controlling them and telling them like Oh. You can't do that. But if they ask for your honest advice in your honest opinion give it. Yeah I mean you like. Do you make perfect decisions all the time like do what what would happen if it was like. Go ahead do it do it do it. You took you so you you said it very well you You kind of the. RV example is kind of like what I was GonNa say I was GonNA. I'd say what if what if you guys got married. And then he was like a lawyer or something and then he was like actually I want to go out and spend six years getting my PhD in philosophy. And so I can get a thirty grand a year adjunct teaching job at a Community College. Like are you ready to die. The too many rhapsodic. She wants to ride or die she Bonnie Clyde. That's Bonnie Bonnie that's what you want. Yeah I'm going to be really harsh I think your way of thinking is inherently self centered. Yeah and and I I grew up in Denver There are people in my life. Just use like very like timely example will that are Republicans I do not support them. I Love Them. I support them and other things that they do in their life in Somali businesses businesses. They've made in like pass me for advice about in some of the personal decisions they made about like you know. Oh should i. You know I'm thinking about asking this person to marry Miriam. We're thinking about having a kid a support them in that I do not support them inherently in their political beliefs. I've told them that has not changed our relationship. It's changed our relationship a little bit but it hasn't materially changed our relationship but they know I do not support the that portion of their their life and they are responsible enough in rational enough to realize that because I do not support them in. That doesn't make me a bad actor in their life like that because of that one that one thing or two do things that I don't support them on. I'm there for like a bad person or like I'm out till like ruined their life. That kind of sounds like what your definition support is in like. You really need to reassess that because it is if you are if you're you're only gonNA look for people in your life or you're only going to have people in your life that support every single decision you make no matter how bad or every single opinion you have no matter under how misplace you're going to be very lonely or you're gonna live in a fantasy land that is going to get broken in a very lake unsympathetic and Mercilus way. You can't surround yourself with only yes men and like yes people they just doesn't. It doesn't work but I also think like it's healthy. Debate and discussion is fine. When it comes to certain things but I think you also I take it back to my first point I? I don't think I'm hoping I'm really hoping that your definition of like support unconditionally. You're not thinking in this big picture. And they now now that we're saying this you're like oh well no that totally makes sense. But if it's if your boyfriend's highly critical if if you wanna get your nose period. She's like no don't do that. That's there's certain choices that are all you and if he's giving you unsolicited advice at like negative opinions and all of that sort of stuff. He's not supporting you wanting to likes. Pick up a new hobby or supporting you having your own friends and stuff like that. There's all there's all of those different those different things that I'm I'm hoping that's what you're thinking more of and in that case if he's not supporting like your happiness and that sort of stuff. I think that that's definitely something you should evaluate but in the same way if your friend was in an abusive relationship you wouldn't support the relationship. You'd support your friend and you might even if you might even support those two people individually and wanting the abuser to get help and figure out what's going on with them and changing their ways and you support your friend who's going through it but you don't support the relationship you're not. Yeah you're being and you're not aiding in that kind of bad behavior but yeah I would just have a bigger conversation with him about that. Because I don't think I don't think you guys are probably l. e. on the same page. But I don't think communicating well and if you're not then you must have parents who told you you were great twenty four seven every single day all of that sort of stuff and I think you'll be it's GonNa be a harsh fucking reality when you realize that that's not how the world works like like. That's not how not only it's not. How relationships work is just not how the world works at all? It's not it's not built to fulfil that system system of yes. Yes yes everything you do is perfect and right all of the time and then also like are you just going to like. I always think about it in the sense of if you are perfect perfect exactly how you are now then. Like what you just downhill from here like. Do you get worse or are you just done so from personal experience which is the elevated Sunday. Yes I agree with that. Like if you're talking about is like if you when to facetime with your boyfriend you're like I want to volunteer at a women's support group and he was like. Oh I don't don't do that. I don't want you to talk to other women than like like you should not listen to him but if your ability to distinguish between good opinions and bad opinions in like good advice him bad advice like is materially like diminished. If you don't want to hear other opinions so I listen to our podcast. CAST so like if you if you have a job right with a supervisor. It's likely that a supervisor is going to be like. I don't think like you did that. Perfectly try again or I think you need to do this a little bit more. Are you just going to be like the person's not supportive in my life. Like I fucking quit like now. And you're going to go to another shavings GOP. And so like maybe. Maybe that's what she's how she's doing. Not Support learn learn a little objectivity. You're not perfect at all. And nobody is and the people people closest to are the ones who should be the ones who are calling you on it. It shouldn't be like the strangers that simple. You should trust the most to give you an honest opinion. let us know if if you guys weren't take a quick break and we'll be right back. Do you need a break from your inbox. Could the exhausting amount of social media. It's time to prioritize a little meat time to help you recharge and dipsy can help you. Focus on something more pleasurable than whatever is on your to do list. dipsy is an audio apple of short sexy and stories and guided sessions that are designed to turn you on and help you get in touch with yourself. These stories are relatable and immersive. So you feel like like you're right in there. There's something for everyone. Whoever and whatever you're into and they add new content every week find stories about spontaneous hookups? The Stranger love that. Ah trying a new toy together big fan of that or even getting tied up. I mean that's an obvious. The guided sessions can help. You unlock new confidence or heightened intimacy MRI with your partner. This year try a new way of getting turned on with dipsy so Melissa. I heard that heard that you have you indulgence. Nations in some stories plus I dipped into it. You Dip your toe in to the scene. dipsy heck yeah I mean you know. I was just meaning some relaxation last night and I listened to one where it's just a guy and he was just like he had the hottest fully and he was just like going on a little journey with me and then switched over that one. Just got me in the mood and then switched over to one with the couple. Were doctors doctors in the hospital. ooh Yeah so there were like interns and sneaking away for a little bit into the on call room not on call surgeons dead Ed bodies they were in the on. Call Room that sexy. You know one got me all the way over in case. It's anybody wants to know you and for listeners. The show dipsy is offering a thirty day free trial when you go to dipsy stories dot com slash. Blame that's a thirty day free trial and you go to. Dip Dip sa stories dot com slash. Blame dipsy stories dot com slash. Blame get on a over the edge better help offers licensed professional professional counselors who are specialized in issues such as depression anxiety relationships trauma anger family conflicts. LGBT matters grief self esteem in more connect with your professional counselor in a safe and private private on the environment and can help your time your own pace anything. You share is confidential and it is so convenient you can schedule the care video or phone sessions as well as chat and text via therapist. If for some reason. You're not happy with your counselor though. You can request a new one anytime for no additional charge. Best of all. It is a truly affordable option. Our listeners even get ten percent off your first first month with discount code blame so why not get started today go to better help dot com slash blame than simply fill out a questionnaire to help them. Assessor needs get mashed with the council. You'll love that's better help dot com slash blame. Make Twenty twenty year to prioritize you and commit to staying on top of your health instead of laundry list of resolutions that you don't end up sticking with care of can make taking care of your vitamins and supporting your health. Goals attainable care. Short online quiz makes it easy simply answer some questions about your diet. Health goals in life style and character will recommend a list of vitamins and supplements specifically for your health needs and goals whether it's improving your fitness routine or managing stress. You can follow care of expert expert recommendations or adjust your pack anytime what you receive is totally up to you. Care of is focused on the quality of science and research that goes into each of their products and the recommendations they're yummy protein. Powders made with real ingredients. You can recognize like organic cocoa and Pink Himalayan Sea salt you guys. I'm sure you know of care of now. First of all the branding adorable able and as a Leo. I'm just going to say my favorite part is my individual. Vitamin Packs. Have My name on them and it makes me feel great. I love this quiz. Is I'm a quiz in general but this one goes really really really in depth and the recommendations that you get are fantastic and so different and I just find really on top of exactly what I need. I really like the little energy little packet things those I had. It doesn't add on their fantastic. Pick me up in the middle of the day for fifty percent off your first I care of order go to take care of dot com enter code blame fifty. That's take care of DOT COM and code. Blame fifty for fifty percents off your I care of order. Paul Hi guys. We're back from our break now. We're getting into it when I say so. Hi Megan Melissa and guests I was just calling for some advice. to some relationship nations should advise so me and my boyfriend having dated for about three years. We are sophomores in college and The question is she recently has brought up. She knew that he had wanted to try. like psychedelics or shrooms and just a little back story He doesn't really do drugs or anything. I mean he does Smoke sometimes and He drinks and I don't really I mean I have never smoked and I occasionally drink but it's not really my scene but I mean I've never had a problem with it and our relationship because it's just something that's fine with me as long as it's not interfering But with this I don't know why but if feel different And I I'm trying to keep an open mind about it but basically the question is if I'm crazy for not wanting to do it. I pretty much told him that I didn't want to. And he agreed like he was obviously. He wasn't just going to do it knowing that I didn't want to But obviously he was kind of not bad but you know disciplinarian like obviously. I don't WANNA be controlling. That's just not what our relationship is about. But I don't know I feel like I'm just wondering if like saying that he shouldn't do like like a good thing to do. I don't know I I kind of controlling office about it and they say fine. They say they do things but then again they kind of have the same lifestyles me. So it's Kinda understandable that they have to take so I was just wondering your take on it. Well you can control is The fact that you can tell them how you feel But did he ask you you know but got some Yeah I think like it's it's your right to say I don't think this is a good idea. I hope that you don't do them. Then the other thing you control troll is if he doesn't listen to you and He does like drop acid or like do shrooms uh-huh or whatever You can say you know in. He's like I want to keep doing this you can you. Can they look. I'm not comfortable with that. Maybe we should take breaker. May we see each other anymore. you shouldn't you. You shouldn't have to alter when it comes to something like this like this isn't something that you necessarily need to feel accommodating of like you can't control like what he's GonNa do but like you can control like how you deal with it because look like in the event that like you're like oh whatever like it should be fine. Just been someone that has Seeing this and he goes out and he drops acid and then he like freaks out like breaks. All your shit or like you're taking care of them like batily pretty annoying in like you could. It would feel more annoying if you've been like Oh yeah no I get it like. It's just like Yellow Solo Pool. Do a yellow yeah. That's sad like You just have to reconcile the the fact that he's he might do it anyway. We have very different takes on this. I think controversial opinion. I think it is a little controlling trolling. If someone doesn't ask hey wants like so I can do this year. I think if if apple so that's what I was going to say that's the other thing you're you're like twenty. This is the time to experiment. This is when you when your sophomore and call all of that sort of stuff. I think at this point now if if you were like hey I really WanNa go first of all you have to go to bug in burning man and like heaven experience man perfect Segue so okay. So here's what I'll say though. I am here talk. These awesome patent leather like colonel. Colonel General Hats. We can finally mad. I do my my just like it. Quick my my my favorite sub-genre instagram imposed that I see no young entertainment professionals that go burning man here and they're like this is what it's all about. It's like this is not the advice that you're going to get from anybody the elsewhere take you'll get from like an actual professional But I- ranked drugs. I ranked drugs in the order of like consequences and side effects and addiction. All of that stuff in psychedelics are just above. We'd that's it's the of if it's not it's not coke it's not so I think if it's not a drug that ended up in the beginning sequence of CSI with a girl face down in a pool dead then and it's not as scary to me and so but I think age age terms and so at this point as I'm like a twenty six year old if he if if have you were about to be like hey I want to go out and let go do a bunch of fucking coke with my friends. I I don't support that. So if that's what you WanNa do that's the kind of relate that's who I wanna be with. I'm out old but I'm not gonNa tell me like you can't do that but being curious is totally valid and it's very fair. It's okay to be curious with drinking. It's okay to be curious about drugs. Nov that's up and the only real or the time that you've got a really big issue there is if you don't have a lot of awareness and education around it and that's you can end up putting yourself in a really unsafe situation not being with the right people when you're taking it not taking the right amount of something and not knowing the side effects or being like hey. Do I have any history of schizophrenia. In my family family then I should stay away from psychedelics. That should be something that I shouldn't really taken or if I have a family history of addiction I'm not going to. I'm going to let my doctor doctor. No before I get a prescription from getting my wisdom teeth out and I'm getting like oxy and I'm going to ask for something. That's a far less addictive painkiller. So but if you if it's just like a big no sort of thing that's how I think really sketchy in bad stuff can kind of happen and and I mean I've done drugs I've and I think about like for. Yeah but the older that I got and I definitely don't do like hardcore dabbled in a party drug every once in a while and every once in a while like three times three times three occasions Asians like three weekends. I was safe about it and I think about it if I had done that. And if I hadn't had friends or or people I could turn to feel like I had some knowledge about it. I probably could've taken some really fucked up shit and it could have been like a big mistake and I think the fact that he's talking to you about it. I think if he asks your opinion you can be like. I mean honestly it's not my ideal circumstance like but if that's something that you WanNa do as long in your safe about it I know where you are. You have a plan for everything thin like go ahead Kinda. Just do what you're gonna do but if someone who wants to experiment with drugs isn't your per like isn't who you WANNA be with. It's not about changing him. I think it's about the knowing. Okay cool this is not the relationship for me so that yeah yeah and I think that's kind of what I was trying to say so I think like what we're both saying like fits other. Hi Megan I'm twenty two and I'm pretty new to the dating and sexto so the guy on wiz right now now is really into orgies and I don't really mind that can do it on his own time but he's also really into into watching me having sex with someone else he. He asked me if I had any sex tapes and ray now he asked me if I can have sex with someone else and tape it for him so I don't really know what should he do. I told him it's not really my thing I told him like. I'm not really down to it but should I keep seeing him or is he better off with someone who was down to do those things with him picturing her like the tiniest she's thumbed Alita and she's with a cook that's what is apparently not. Apparently he's like some weird laycock orgy like dom hybrid faceted president. Yeah for someone who's actually experienced you. I mean you talk about a trial by fire. was the guy from fifty shades of Gray Gray Krige Project Christian grey. That's essentially what you're walking into. I I I find it so fascinating. When like these two types the people me because I feel like it happens like so much more than you think you know like? Oh I don't really like I don't have that much experience than like the plot of regret and that yeah and then like you know the checkout person that urban outfitters they have a crush on yeah by the way like I like to have sex with like like eight or nine people every weekend together also I just being like not king shaming at all but like that just like logistically being into orgies jeeze if all the things to be into the soil moving pieces like you've really resigned. That's what I did find all of those people. That's not an easy one to have. What's the definite like? What's the number definition of four four three nine anything after three? That's an orgy. My mind goes to eight though I mean I can but that's like a put put it this way. I'm Big Bang ratio. I'm a big. I'm a big golfer. Normal normal golf groups for people read and we have like a standing group. We struggled to get together to go golfing every weekend. We have a standing standing like that. Maybe you guys would be more proactive. If there was sex stake involved easy. Maybe if you guys knew urine get your prostate takeover show off love. No they they. They're on the lookout for this Actually I just realized this is going to come out when I'm like on a Bachelor Party and we're all gonna like gathered around the laptop so yeah we'll get into the caller. Yeah so here's what I would say I would say. I think it's great that he's being super forthcoming with the stuff after he's into but I think you also I. It needs to be a conversation with him of being like okay. If I'm not into this kind of stuff and you said that you're you're fine with him doing whatever he wants to do. Whatever he's into ads Kim like? Is this something that you're looking for in a partner or not and I would also say you're has you asking like Oh should I just move on and let him find someone else. Also if you're if you're not actually like that into into the stuff that he's doing and going they orgies and him all of that kind of stuff like if you feel like you kind of need to be like that or you don't have a ton of experience and you liked liked him if it's awesome you're comfortable with that's okay and even if you have said that you're comfortable with it I don't WanNa put ideas into your head that you're not actually a you. Totally can be but it can also be up to you. That's not something that your into. It doesn't have to be like okay. He's he wants to date someone who's like that and I'm like that so therefore he won't WanNa date me. You're also it's okay if you want to date someone who's not into stuff like that but I would just ask him and have a conversation with him and don't agree to anything and you don't sound like you are at all which is great like agreed any don't agree to anything that you're not the kinks that he's Trying to sell you not sell you on but like get you to participate in our are kinks that could potentially like put you yourself in at risk so he wants you to go out and find someone to have sex as a one off in film it. That person may be a carrier of something that you don't want to. That person might be a bad actor like what if you film it and then and they publish it. I mean that's reality of the time we live in and I would have no effect on him probably and it would have all the effect on you. Well well this is also a king that involves you. Yeah exactly. It's not it's not like hey I really like it. It involves you but it's not like AAC just the two of you trying. Something can actually. Yeah so like I think because you articulated like very prepared yourself for this eventuality. which is it doesn't sound like you're comfortable with this at all so you should probably follow Megan's advice say say? Is this something that you absolutely need right now in relationships someone that's lake Down to try these things with you participate in these things with you and if he says yes then you should be like okay. That's great I'm not that person I we should see other people. People still be your friend. But I'm not going to be your kink vehicle anymore and I mean you already like are beyond accommodating like literally saying like. Yeah if he wants to participate in stuff like that on his own time not Oughta people like you out there so I guess good for you also did she say how long they been dating. Because there's a I am. I'm I'm torn in the a sense of I think if you have a dealbreaker kink and I think that's really important to discuss early on into dating. Somebody and I think you should express that because it should be something that you don't get injured relationship with someone and then spring some like a very important thing on but at the same time. I'm also wondering how long it's been been and he's brought these two things up to you and if it's if it's a little too early on that this could be like a red flag but I don't WanNa say it's a red flag because I I think that's kind of Jamia that she's new today during the so. I'm assuming it's newer probably newer introduction. Yeah I think there's a right time to bring up the right time in a right way to bring up. I think that deal breaker. You bring up real soon though if you're into this but wouldn't you also bring it up is in like got. This is a deal breaker for me. There is an. I'm not to the treat. Him like predatory all at any point but people fetish is women who you don't have a ton of experience and I don't want you to get caught up into something where someone's recognizing that taking Benadryl. It's like it's even if you think of like young. Uh I mean girls. Who aren't that young? But who look really young and who are like short and petite that becomes like this Ike. It's this fetish is thing and I don't want you to get caught up in that so I think it's it's also don't think about it. Yeah you don't think about it in terms of all of these things but think about it like what's your judge of his character and who he is and like do you trust him at like the him as a person before him as all of these other things. Because I think that will also give you some insight into whether or not you even want to continue to pursue all all of this stuff while let us guys have ever participate in cooking very curious to. I'm curious to you've gotTa Outta Leo and Aquarius Year. We're like okay. Should we go onto an update update. Yeah we're GONNA update slash. They're asking for more advice he's I am twenty two and I have actually been featured on the podcast before At the time I was calling to break up I was in the episode with Alexi Wasser. you may or may not be glad to know that I am beyond happy now. That break-up was the best thing that ever happened to me. Since then I moved home. It changed schools funded program that super passionate for and have become like miles. More confident in myself and Looking back on that relationship and also the podcast episode ice Verily downplayed how toxic relationship was and how emotionally abusive he was to me His his very codependent and everything was my fault and he was never wrong and I was stupid for everything otherwise So you fast forward and I have met a new guy I really didn't want to I'm loving being single. And but this guy is just like sweet like sweet as can be and we get along really well and he thinks I like the earth is on my shoulders And it's a really really good feeling and I know he would never hurt me and he knows sort of about the baggage that I have and we've already had a couple conversations about it because I am scared to push the relationship We were exclusive for like eight hours in the Nice Big Long Essay about how I'm just not ready and I'm so sorry in. It's not anything you've done it's me and if you're not cool this is totally fine and he responded bonded with just with like. Thanks for being honest like I honestly I kind of agree. I think we're moving really fast. And so he's super like considerate and and Sweden understanding and he's great and I don't think there's really much wrong with him except for the fact that my family would hate him very traditional and he's very not So that's like one thing but that's like way down the line with the other thing is I am loving being single and being independent and I plan on going therapy to like handle the trauma that I dealt with with my last relationship ship but in the meantime while I'm healing I would just really like some advice. He already knows that. I WANNA move slow and I appreciate him so much for that and I appreciate any advice you could give to someone who's just trying to heal but also be happy and actually be selfish for ones thank you no I agree with you. It's like anything. How can you agree with me? Know what does it mean to be a traditional. Yeah well they can't hear that that's what I yeah. I am curious when people say the law like Oh like I come from really traditional background in like he's like my second brother is not like I have no care no fucking idea what that means. Do you mean like what's traditional. I think about racism. I wonder wonder where my mind you know like the fact that the House bunny star is the lead singer from all American rejects. Okay first of all he does not started. It makes no second campus like the Guy Colin Farrell Colin Hanks. But he's like he's like the initials shoals oldest from all American rejects the initial guy. He makes literally thirties. Like it's he's he's like the guy who she likes at first yes and no one. Even I ever even knew that the guy from all American rejects until finally I can say about I like that guy okay. He's a he plays Bass plays such violation of our family mort awards. But I also wonder if it's maybe it's a religious. It's religious eighth if it's like my family's really Christian and he's an atheist or something burning some. Ah Okay. Here's what I would say. I think therapies are really great idea. I think that's where your top priority already in focus should be is getting into their apy because I think through therapy. y'All and I've learned a lot of to is that there is no traditional way to get over trauma. And what do you mean by traditional cancer wind of the hope. There's it's not. It's not this black and white sort of thing and I think in your mind there is a. There's a process of being like I should be single. Misses something and you enjoy being single but it also it. You're you can have independence and you should have independence in relationship. Being in a relationship shouldn't mean giving up your independence and I think because you are in such toxic relationship before those things kind of go hand in hand and I think through therapy you'll find how it how getting over how working through all all of this is going to be because it's going to be different for you than anyone else and I think being communicative with this guy that you're seeing is really great and then I also thank on. Why do you like being single? What you like about being single? Do you like dating other people. Do you like all that stuff like give. It is the those sort of very standard standard like the definition of being single. If it's that then totally stay single but if you're what you like about being single is because you're not in a controlling relationship that might the new guy might not be controlling relationship. It might be like you still have your you still have your independence. You should still be able to hang out with your friends and do all of this sort of stuff and not feel like you're becoming part of like an entity and like you're losing a part of yourself so I would figure that kind of stuff out how And because yeah I think moot taking it slow in new relationship is good regardless of what like baggage personal stuff that you're you're bringing into it because I think the starting a relationship slow at least for me. If you're I don't WanNa say you're hyper. I'm definitely hyper paranoid of people's intentions. And how they feel about me and not getting hurt and stuff like that and the slower that you do take it the more confident you can be that when someone is revealing their feelings and how they really feel about you. It's because they know you and it's because they're able to make that decision because they spent time getting to know you and you've kind of taken you've taken your time through all of that And it doesn't feel triggering necessarily but I think the more you can communicate with him is a great thing and then I would also spend a lot of time doing stuff that you like and hobbies and hanging out with friends and all of that kind of stuff and then if it is like dating other people totally go for it and he sounds like a great guy but but also like from the beginning. Timing is such a huge thing he can be a great guy but it could also like. Maybe that's not the next person you want to do. Like maybe you do WanNa continue to be casual and see other people. That doesn't doesn't mean that you're missing out on the only other good guy that there is. There's a million other guys like him and you just happen to be with someone who was awful and terrible. But that's not not the norm so I think it's smart to not rush into something else knew just because it kind of like cleanses your palate from the other thing He can be like a great guy. Hi and can be okay if you just. Don't yeah you just don't want to date seriously and you just WanNa continue to have fun and all that I wouldn't know obviously from experienced but what I would assume it feels like when you get out of a relationship that is pretty emotionally only toxic. And where you're kind of like the victim of a lot of that toxicity is. It can be pretty disconcerted. I'm guessing pretty discombobulating. I don't mean to laugh. I'm sorry in the sense that like you say you like being single because I'm guessing you're like Oh. I can go to the gym wearing a sports bra. Uh and I don't like get a text. Are you wearing a sports bar at the gym. Our guys looking at it And it's like wow. This is amazing. So yeah I I would take a couple of months figure out like it's not even like what you like about being single. I think that's that's part of it then. Another way of thinking about is like what do you like doing a normal person. Yeah that's on me and I think that's I think that's the part that you're associating relationships and like single angle hood with your past relationship which is totally valid. But that's not the norm. Yeah and I think when I say a one hundred percent I think what I'm what I'm I'm saying is like you know it can be discombobulating like you literally have nothing to dislike compare or you can't discern like what it means to be you just like a regular independent person in the scope of like a relationship the Serapio term that might well. Yeah my therapist is always. It's the you've if you coming from trauma everything like that. You question your own reality and you question is is what I'm seeing. True is what I'm going through. Is this normal. Is it not because your frame of reference and what you look back onto your association with whatever relationship it is that was what was ingrained as normal in your brain and then also the same thing that you said which you called yourself. I can't believe I was so stupid and missile not stupid people who are when you get into an emotionally abusive relationship. It's you know a thousand times. It's you put the lobster into the cold water and then you turn the heat up and you're like how the fuck did I end up here like. No one walks into a relationship Asian chip where you can if you could see the red flags. The first time it wouldn't have happened gets manipulative and so that becomes yet. You start comparing everything to in questioning. Is this one of those signs that I missed the first time around and fuck the last do talked very sucky dude. Well happier out of that situation situation and Hell yeah go to therapy. It's a great I mean I don't WanNa say is a great time like it's a it's A. It's a good time. It's not necessarily great all the time but the outcomes they're all great plus our therapist told me this kills me. She told me that I had mentioned how I didn't have friends But I was like I was like I'm fine with it. And then she was like really I was like yeah. I'm a lot she goes wasn't your therapist. I'm be your friend that's all you've ever wanted. You've been talking about this all. Oh while I've ever and then. She gave me Connecticut sand to play with an hang with it in our last session. And then she's GonNa take that home and I was like no and she goes no no take kit and also she uses it for children and I love her. She's the best okay. Well that's that's it's what we've got. Thanks so much for listening. If you want to call in for an upcoming episode Lisa voicemail at three one zero six nine four zero nine seven six international listeners. Here's you can send us an audio message. At podcast EDGY DOT COM. Please follow me on instagram. My engagement sucks also all the PODCASTS. Don't blondine pod all of our soldiers those are listed on blow if you WANNA listen ad free stitcher premium and please preorder my book. It is coming out may fifth May. That's right yeah may fifth. It's on Amazon Amazon Amazon. You can put it wherever books are sold that let you preorder. It's called you're not special. You can just search Meghan ranked turnout special or you're not special book. Give it a preorder. It will make Nissan incredibly happy And if you guys like this episode please rate us and if you WANNA watch it on Youtube Youtube too you can see us. Sit awkwardly far apart. And that's it guys. We'll see you. Next time. Any last words he proposes on the. Yeah I'm fucking you did saying your engagement suck so but you're talking about your. What would care my engagement sucking getting no? Thanks for having me. I don't blame me as a production by me executive produced by Melissa Demont's camera camera operator. Amanda Lechner and music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso. Whatever struggles you're facing from depression and anxiety to trauma and grief better help? Connect you with professional counselor in a safe and private online environment. It's so convenient. You can schedule secure video or phone sessions as well. Let's chat anteks with your therapist and anything you share is completely confidential. Best of all. It is a truly affordable option. Our listeners even get ten percent off your first month with discount discount code blame so why not get started simply go to better help dot com slash blame and fill out a questionnaire to get mapped counsel. You'll love today.