Ep 61: Talk It Out with Nicole Byer

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

Today's episode is brought to you by snow. So Kate as you know, LA has been hit with some cold and rain recently, and I've been very much enjoying a late afternoon. Snuggle on the couch with bow and buy new super soft wool throw from snow. Snow is a direct to consumer brand that makes betting baffling ins and tabletop essentials as irresistible as humanly possible. Thanks to the finest materials and inventive craftmanship. They not only make super soft blankets. But they also make things like wine glasses with titanium coated stems a ha- fast drying towels get softer over time and heirloom quality dinner, where that goes in the dishwasher, you don't have to hand wash my dream, come true, exactly. And by working directly with the best factories in Europe and America, they're able to do it all at affordable prices, and we feel so fortunate to be able to partner with snow to help them launch their line of linens. Snows founders were inspired by air. Linen sheets made an Italy and spent over three years and countless trips there to try and get it. Right. And they have succeeded snows linen isn't just strong. It's so buttery soft that you'll never want to get out of bed, and they're Oko Tech's certified, which means their products have been put through extensive testing to ensure that the fabrics haven't been unnecessarily treated with harmful chemicals like pesticides and lead. You can experience the joys of snow blankets, linens and other home essentials because they're offering our listeners a sweet deal. Get fifteen percent off your first order when you visit snow home dot com slash Berber, thirty five and enter promo code forever. That's fifteen percent off your first order when you go to snow home. That's S N O W E home dot com slash river, thirty five and enter promo code forever. And here's the show. Hi, welcome to Ferber thirty five a podcast about the things we do to take care of ourselves. I am Kate Spencer, and I endorse Chevallier, and we are not experts. We are two friends who like to talk a lot about serums, and we're going to be doing that live. At south by southwest in Austin, Texas on Saturday, March ninth a to a two pm you do need a badge to come to the show. But if you are someone who has a badge, please come to the show come to the show. It's going to be great. We're gonna be interviewing Miranda Bennett who I'm obsessed with. Yes, she's a very cool sustainable fashion Desai's size inclusive like her closer, beautiful, comfortable jumper situation. She's just really cool. And yeah, I'm just so excited to talk to her. And then for those of you who don't have badges or for or if you do or if you do to spend the whole weekend, we're doing a meet up with natch Butte, which I'm also beyond excited as how many honeys in the how many? And that is going to be the following day Sunday March tenth from five to seven PM. There is an RSVP it is free. But we would love to RSVP. So we kind of know how many people are coming and we will link to that RSVP in the show notes. That said we'll be there. We will be are excited to meet self cardigan, self Kerrigan's, whatever we call ourselves. Still don't know know forever heads. Nope. Nope. Nope. We're still figuring it out. But we would love to say hi in person. Yeah. You can look at our skin stunk it to close the feel the cracks and crevices there. Got an I've got a lot of like gentle tiny black heads on my chin. Spoiler alert. I can't see them, and I'm those hitting like to away. But this is a this is a good conversational. It is. I don't feel like I'm invading your personnel space if you were six inches. You might be able to start seeing whatever's growing down there. Okay, noted, you know. All right. I'm only human. How are you doing Dorie? No, I've been spiraling. Oh, but I'm pulling out of it. I don't know I've been spiraling. And then I've been trying to figure out why I'm spiraling. Which is a whole other myrow. My the anniversary of my mom's death is fast approaching. When is it? It is March fourth. Okay. But also like I don't that often. What happens is in mid February. I start getting like really rage e and angry at everybody and just like really in kind of a shit mood. And then I'm like, all right? It's that time of year. Again. I don't know if that's this. Also, you know, I'm now this will be the twelfth anniversary of my mom, passing my. So that is a very let's longer time doesn't mean that I still have grief, but it's not the same kind of raw feeling like one year. So, but I don't know. I'm just kind of I've just kind of been like digging around in my negative negative self-talk space and just now I'm just trying to like, you know, gently back out of that. Okay. So. So are you back? Have you backing out of it by telling myself to shut the fuck up? Oh, okay. Like just by. I how do I wanna say this a lot of it is body? Just more fun more young a lot of it is that and which I do not I do not want to be a person who spends all their energy, it's exhausting. It's a zaas thing. So I'm just thinking about that is this what how I wanna spend my mental energy when there's so many other important things going on in the world. And also, I'm a person of value, like whatever, you know. I'm just really trying to break through that shit. And man, it's just been chasing me for thirty nine and a half years. I hate when it like rears its ugly head when you think you're over it. Yeah. And it's also kind of like, it feels it feels dumb, but it's a little it's kind of embarrassing to admit that I'm still plagued. By a lot of thoughts like self loathing and not living myself. That's you know, I want to be especially with two daughters. Like I wanted to be like, I love myself. No matter what I feel great all the time. I believe in myself. Like, I does that's unrealistic. It is kudos to the person who exists in that space because one person I would honestly find it stressful as a daughter of someone who is like that. That's a good like, you're right. Then there's no space for you to be sad. That's true. So I think it's important to show. Kids. You know, I say this as someone who doesn't have them. But soon enough, I think, you know, you wanna show vulnerability. That's definitely tried to. And I do I do cry in front of them when I do like express when I'm frustrated or sad or. But you know, like, I want to also like endow them with self esteem and self confidence. So it's very humbling when I struggle with my own self esteem and self confidence, and we give you a little bit. Okay. Don't comment on other people's appearance to your kids. I don't think I do my mom. So your mom would comment about other people like look at that person. They're this. They're that are they're so beautiful. They're usually negatively, and you don't even realize how that affects you know. I mean, I I mean, I have a different situation in which my mom was very self deprecating. And now, I am very self deprecating, and that's my go-to for humor. And I don't want that to be nuts. Very hard to snap out of. Yeah. Do you? Did you pick that up? Like, do you? Also, I've never really heard you come in on other peoples of no because I became I became aware of. Yeah. Oh, my mom's. So judgmental. Like, it's hard. I must have been really hard. I don't want to. I mean, look in the grand scheme of things. It wasn't like the hardest thing in the world. Of course as a scale of are expected. Have this sort of like, I did have a growing awareness of like, oh, that's not like a great way to be, you know. Yeah. So worked through that. And just trying not to I don't wanna like impart that everyone else, I did make an appointment with my therapist. I didn't Email my therapist because I have been really bad about consistent therapy in the past couple of months. So I did send my old therapist in Email. They replied right away. They're the best. So I'm gonna get you know, get back into that. Are you going back to make regular appointments? I was going once a week once every two weeks, and then the holidays just like I just like threw me off and I never got back on track. And I really need to be consistently in therapy at the. This moment in my life. Sure. I will say Dory. I did mention my back pain, and I've had to really kind of like transition my thinking on my whole getting jacked two thousand nineteen. But I did a whole lot of back care stuff last week. I saw my doctor I set up physical therapy appointments. They can't see me for a few weeks. But at least have have it all in the calendar for like, two months and went to back pain, yoga class went to a chiropractor who's very gentle and really helped my back pain. Oh, good. And I went to an infrared sauna look at you. Anyway, tell me your life. You're writing every day you're productive you're pregnant. Your skin's Dewey, your hair's thick. Keep going. No, just kidding. I have in writing every day. So remember, I was like I'll get to this later a little bit more. When we talk about our intentions, but I had been wanting to get on a writing schedule because he wrote a book. I mean, you sold about I sold a book. Right, right and commit just explain real quick. I don't know if we explain this in Las episode when you sell a book in this situation. Yes, you're selling you've written part of it to show what the idea what the general vibe would be. But you haven't like we're just kind of shooting around the term, I sold a book. But what does it actually mean Dory? So in this case, it meant that I sent editor my agent sent editors I think we sent in four essays. And then like a letter about what the rest of the collection was going to be like and why I wanted to write it. And then I had phone calls with the editors who wanted to buy it. And yes, so now I have to write the rest of the book caught him. Thank you for clarifying. You're welcome in fiction. You usually have to write the whole book before you, sell it. But in nonfiction, there tends to be people people tend to write it like a proposal. Yes. That's what I did. So instead of writing on a specific schedule, I have just given myself the mandate to write five hundred words a day. Which can feel like a lot and it also can feel like a little yes. But I found that he doesn't manageable amount. For me. I'm able to get it done. I've been able to get it done. So far. Do you have a doing the same time? Every now, okay, which I thought might be a problem. But I'm I'm actually finding that. I like that better. But I can just kind of like fit it in when I feel like fitting it in. And I know I need to get it done. Have you done it yet today? No, okay. But the day is still young the day is young. I think I know when I'm going to do it, right? And yeah. And it's been good just feels much more manageable that way able to just like I think what we've been talking about. Just getting something done. Putting proverbial pen to paper is important because then I can go back in at it. And I I like editing, and I'm good at editing. And so just like getting everything out is the hardest part. For me. And so that's what I'm trying to do. I also made a Spotify playlist for labor and delivery. What are you gonna what are you aspiring to give birth to? Well, it's like an eight hour long places. Labor can be day. Labor can be long, and I've been listening to it just to kind of like make sure that I like the song shirt. Nothing could be worse than having contractions to a song. You are like, oh, no. This was a stake. It's very calming. It's very heavy on songs that were like big on mix my summer camp mixed tale. Wow. Crosby stills. Nash dude is Sweden. Judy blue eyes on it. I love that song. You know, there's like, Tom petty Fleetwood MAC cleverly classic rock, but then there's also more contemporary stuff. Nothing too high energy who's like the most unexpected artists. You've put on this playlist. Oh, goodness. I would have to up doors opening computer? But you know, I figured it's never too early to make your labor and delivery playlist. No because you don't know where you're going to go into lake that is true. So I don't know it just oh indigo. Curls on how. Well, your your blazered mix. It truly is camp in the early nineties. Yes. I mean, I also have some Motown some Marvin Gaye I have a let's see Miranda Lambert brandy Carlisle, Natalie merchant Destiny's Child, great, Whitney, Houston, Cyndi Lauper, the Gogos. This is such an interesting vibe for labor and delivery is it I love it. Yeah. It's cool. Errol crow understa, Cleo letters to Cleo, Sarah. Smell like a nice feminist bent to play, you know, just try to. Just trying to put on also was I was like I'm going to put on songs that I like and not care about like what Matt might wanna hear what you know what? I mean, like your doctor or nurse was like that'll merchant wanna hear this Natalie merchant's song right now, he's has forward. Yes. So that was fun and. I've also been so I've been watching something on Netflix. I've never heard of this. I'm very into and I'm very sad. Because I'm on the last episode was only two seasons. I've been watching steal. What is St. SEL? It is an Israeli show about an ultra orthodox family in Jerusalem. And it's just like a family drama. But it's funny. How did you? Discover it. I feel like I'd seen someone like mentioned it offhand. And then I don't know. It's just like on Netflix. And I think it came up as like new on Netflix. Is it all in Hebrew? It is there's subtitles you understand Hebrew, though. I ju can listen well enough that I can watch it without subtitles for some reason our TV in the bedroom. Like when I put it on the subway the subtitles weren't working like door, you better give your Hebron. It was like meeting I can watch this. And then I was like, no I can't. But it's so good. It's just it's it's really really well done. So I recommend it. Do you have a show lined up because I know the feeling of like when you that last episode has done in. You're like what? Now when you so sad, you have something kind of at the ready. I have been wanting to watch Penn fifteen he'll get ready. I do need to finish Russian doll. Okay. Those are two that I need to do. So. Yeah. Both of those trying to think if there's anything else that I've been hankering Jordi sex education, kind of get on I loved sex education. I really enjoyed that some next after penis pen fifteen whatever we want to call him. Yeah. So yeah. So that's that's what I'm sounds like you're if you're in you're kind of in the lake pub culture nesting phase, you make your playlist. You're watching shows you're kind of like hunkering down and just enjoying. What else do, you know? What else I got this week that I haven't used yet? But I purchased it. I've bought a book light, you told me you very excitedly. Did you did you whip it out when I was at your house? I think it arrived when you were at my house. I was like, Ooh, I think this is my book, we're so great. You're like, I just realized there's so many books. I wanna read that aren't on my kindle true. So and I was like, but I like to read in bed. And I don't like to have the full light on. And then sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night. I'm not going to turn the light on. Oh, you can't awake mad up. So we'll also could come in handy. If you're when you do have your child, if you're up with the baby if you whether you're nursing or bottle feeding or whoever you are feeding your baby you're going to be up throughout the night. Yeah. And I spent a lot of time just like scrolling on the internet, but you could actually like read books during that time read books. I could read something that just got sent to me in advance copy of a book oboe that I'm very excited to read comes out March twenty six and is it about a character who rhymes with flip flops? Sure is that's right. You guys there's a new maisy dogs but coming out at the end of March. I just like drilled on myself. That's how excited you are so excited. I can't wait to read it. Yeah. Just very there's so much happening in the Macy Dobbs world so much yet. There's there's two maisy Dobbs books. Coming out one is like the next in the series. I'm on the other is like a like a journal type thing called what would maisy do. I'm so happy for you. It's really really special big for you. That's big. Thank you before. We take a break though. We have an update we have something we need to mention this would be a correctional correction, and I think correction clarification clarification correction corner, I think is what they say and my favorite murder. I don't want to hijack another pert podcast term. But we do need to say that we were wrong g mail. You might have heard one of our many rants about g mail folders. And how they just aren't to our liking we received numerous messages from people who have a way better understanding of Djamil than we do, which is that g mail does have folders. So here's just an Email that we got this is one of many messages in regards to your comments that Gino does not have folders that is not actually true. You can in fact. Drag things from your inbox into your list of labels, displayed on the side of your inbox. And they will move there and disappear from your inbox. You can also click on the message or open it and then select move to which is the image of a folder with an arrow on it. Google still calls them labels, not folders, but they function as both you can label things in your inbox and have it remained there. And also move emails to folders as someone mentioned in an Email to in today's episode. This is from earlier this month, you can even have sub labels, for example, file all my e receipts this way with individual labels for various stores under a larger shopping label, which can I just say is very organized you that. No, I've never even which is so great because I just end up like searching for like anthropology, totally. Anyway, this person was very sweet. And they said if I knew how to make a little video demonstrating, I would do so, but I'm not that computer savvy. I hope this info helps though it does help. Thank you. And you know, it's funny like the day after we like had ranted about not being able. To move things to folders, I was in our g mail account. And I was like kind of filing things away. And I clicked I just did the move to an Email disappeared. And I was like, oh, we're wrong. Like, I saw it happen. And I was like oh my God. You're so wrong. Fortunately, no one died. It wasn't. You're saying like it wasn't a big deal that we were wrong about it cracked. No. But I do love like we were really worked. We were. But you know, what? Live and learn thank you culpa. Thank you, everyone who educated us on how to do, gene L. And if you want to provide us with more tips, we're into melts Chapas, Hugh knows Abbas on the genes. Don't do that. What called g mail James? I think it's kind of cute Zappa step us. All right. Let's take a little be right back. Tis episode is brought to you by pretty litter. Kate have you ever walked into a friend's home in? We're suddenly imbargo did a door overwhelmed, shall we say by the smell of cat urine? Yes. I'm sorry. To eagerly interrupt you. But that was not only every friends apartment in New York City, but my own apartment. Yeah. Well with small living spaces, the grocery store cat litter brands, just don't cut it anymore. Luckily, it's twenty nineteen. We have a new era of kitty litter. Otherwise known as pretty litter pretty litter gets shipped right to your door in a small lightweight bag, and it will last you the entire month. You heard that? Right. No more lugging twenty pound packs bags of cat litter up your front steps pretty litter is not only super convenient. But it has next level odor protection. Pretty litter doesn't use dusty clay. It has super absorbent crystals that trap and conceal odor with little to no mess. We gave some pretty litter to our dog Walker who has a cat. She's an animal lover she is. And she loved it. So. Much that she got her own subscription. Well, that's a testament. Yeah. The best part about pretty litter is that it also monitors your cats health was she was very into pretty litter changes colors to detect any underlying illnesses before you have to make that two AM emergency vet visits. So to get started on that odor free kitty lifestyle. Pretty letter is offering our listeners twenty percent off your first order just visit pretty litter dot com and use the promo code forever. Thirty-five again to get twenty percent off your first order of pretty litter. Goto pretty litter dot com and enter promo code forever. Thirty five that's pretty litter dot com promo code forever. Thirty five. Today's episode is brought to you by low-life female founded company, offering a line of organic cotton, tampons pads liners and all natural cleansing wipes. Unlike other major brands Lola products are one hundred percent natural and easy to feel good about Nobis mystery fibers or doubts about what's going in your body. Plus Lola the products come in a simple, customizable subscription. Lola will deliver exactly what you need. Exactly when you need it and Lula offers complete transparency about the ingredients found in their products. And they are one hundred percent organic cotton with no added chemicals. Fragrances synthetics or dies. I love that lowest subscription is fully, customizable. You can choose your mix of products mix of absorbency number of boxes and frequency of delivery. And it's super flexible, you can change skip or cancel your subscription at anytime. You can skip it when for example, you go look at that, you know, need tampons right now, but I will someday I'm dead. I'll be back door. You can also choose from Tampa. With either BPA free, plastic applicators or environmentally friendly. Non applicator tampons which is what I use. And as a person with an infamous, heavy flow that then tapers off very fast. I love that. I can really tailor my subscription box to fit my exact needs. Choosing the tampons I need in the amount I want my order arrived really fast and a nondescript box, which I really appreciate and for every purchase Lola donates feminine care products to homeless shelters across the US Lola is offering for over thirty five users forty percent off all subscriptions, just visit my Lola dot com and enter for over thirty five when you subscribe. That's my Lola dot com. Promo code forever. Thirty five to save forty percents on all subscriptions. Our guest today is Nicole buyer. Hello, nicole. Nicole? Here's a bio would it true? You just see, you know, about yourself. Nicole buyer is an actress comedian and writer who hosts the very popular baking show nailed it on that flicks. Ak my children's life. She's also the star of the Facebook watch sitcom, loosely exactly Nicole, and you can see her thirty minute stand up special on Netflix is comedians of the world and listen to her discuss dating sex and her always changing Tinder profile on her very hilarious podcast. Why won't you date me? Which is so good. Thank you. And so wonderfully awkward sometimes. Yeah. The earlier episodes right interview, the dudes I've hooked up with get a little awkward yet. Because we don't normally go back to the people we've ever even dated much less just had like a random hook up with. And then be like, hey, why didn't why weren't you into that? And why didn't worry era Puta? Arup unit. Is it a ha- you've been doing that podcast for a year? Yes. And I've run out of people to agree to do who looked up like hook up with some more people. I hope it now I'm like non comedians. I'm like are you just looking up with me to get on the podcast, right? Which is an insane thought. But I mean, people are crazy people are crazy. So is it something that you would recommend for somebody like in their regular life? Who's not doing a podcast going back in and checking in with some because we always wonder like, hey, why didn't that work out? Or what what did we have? And you would very openly get to the bottom of it with people. I think it's helpful like I had someone tell me someone I hooked up with in my like early twenties. They were like you were emotionally like a baby you were not emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship. And I was like that is fully correct. Yeah. And it was nice to be like, oh you recognize that. And that's why we didn't date, but I think now as a thirty two or thirty three year old woman. I think I wanna be in a relationship. We're both mature enough to have a like a debrief closing conversation. Be like this. Is why didn't work no hard feelings toodle. Oo by by as we used to call it in the marketing business a post mortem, you would after a big event you'll meet and discuss like how you screwed up and what you were going to do better next time. I think that's good for relationships has then you can take it. And you know, apply whatever you want to the next one. Have you had that conversation with a partner yet that happened at a relationship? No. But one one day. I'll have a nice relationship, it will break up and have a lovely conversation about it. I've never been in a full-fledged relationship, which is the point of your podcast, right? I'm trying. And I've been dating real hard, it's exhausting, and I hate it. It is like aiding is exhausted. Yeah. We've talked about that a bit on proper thirty five where it's like a full I met my husband on Tinder. Yes. I did years ago. We met in two thousand fourteen. Yeah. I think I missed the golden age of actually meeting a person on tender is. Yeah. I mean, I haven't been on a few years. Yeah. That's what I've is not gonna. I mean, look it wasn't great back. Then I because I went out with I counted I went out with thirty five people before I met my husband. I don't know if I've been out with thirty five people that is a lot of it was a lot of fucking people. What is the timeframe it was about a year? Okay. And it was really really dedicate. Yeah. I put in the time like it was kind of intense, and I would go in spurts with for like three or four weeks going on a ton of dates on. It'd be like this is so exhausting. I wanna die. And I would go for a few weeks and new take myself off the apps and go cold Turkey, you date multiple people at once. That's but not for like extended periods of time. Like, I might go on like three if I got on like three dates with someone I would still go on like a first date with someone else. But how many people at once you juggling? I wasn't. I was never sleeping with more than one person at one L. Okay. Okay. For I guess in in in some way, like that was like a Lun in my head. An arbitrary line. I admit, but. How many people have you juggled, Nicole once the most five, and it was the most exhausting, and I really hated it that it was confuse it. Yeah. They'd be like we I'm going out with this person went in. I have a planner I read everything down. But you know, I don't write everything down, and then I missed aids. And then I'd be like, I'm so sorry. And then I'd be flying somewhere. Then flying back. It was awful. And I hated it. And now I'm back down to zero. Which is are you comfortable being at zero right now is that where you kind of want to be are you pulling back and just dating yourself? I'm trying to do things that bring me joy. And right now that's poll dancing. I genuinely love it. It's not everyone's like bly field weird being sexy. And like, you should see the women in the class that nobody sexy our teachers like fit and beautiful, and she's sexy, but all of us are like just little monsters. Let me showing no I actually went to high school with a woman I hadn't seen her for like twenty years, and we had a little high school reunion here in LA, and she she was like this cute little preppy girl in school, and she became a pole dancing instructor. And I know it's a very like one. It's super epic super hard. And I'm winded winded at our warm up. It is the warm the warm of is a yoga based warm up where you do like hand and wrist isolation's, and your twirling your rescuing this is stupid, but by like minute to your like Marissa gonna fall on. And yet it's like a lot of stretching and moving your body, and then some teachers do flora work, so then you're just like rolling around. And you're like, this hurts my hips. How did you get into it? My friend Gilly has a show called getting gross with Gilliat UCB. Luckily, isn't guilty. The best don't get the best. You gotta meet her. They'd love to this show is fucking bonkers. And the best way he does her monologue Pantelis and underwear list I've seen Gillies vagina more times than I've seen my own. Wow. Yeah. She and she commits, and she commits fully, and she tells very good jokes. And like that's not the joke. I love her. But she did a segment where it was like doing things we've never done before. So group of us went to poll dancing class and the teacher was fine. And I was like by one like master this. I wanna like learn how to actually do a full rotation. So then I asked to Shiro's like would you go to Poland's in class? It was like a year later, and she was like sure then we went and then after class I was like I want to do this every day. We went and bought shoes. Who so you have like the sexy heeled boots? I have shoes real big boots that aren't that sick? But I'm afraid to wear them. Have you warn them to the class? So these are like a nice he'll like a super high heel is I think is standard stripping healer dancing. He'll is six inches. She's. So it's like a four inch heel. But it is a little scary ankle breaker. Yes. So that's why I'm afraid to and that's why I bought boots because I feel like boots are a little bit more sturdy, but I'm just terrified to wear them. And how often do you go? I try to go once a week. And what is it about the experience is joyful for you? There's mirrors everywhere. So you can watch yourself do a spin. So it is a tangible thing you can see where like I like weightlifting as well, but that's not super tangible. You're just like our lifting things, but this is like you move your whole body. And then you're like sore, and you understand why each muscle is sore because the move you did you were like working this muscle. Yeah. It's just it's not empowering, but it's just like your body can do so much, and we don't do anything with our bodies, really like some people run some people weightlift some people dance. But like pull dancing is just so interesting. I've never moved my body. Like that also be satisfying to see the progress you're making. Oh, yeah. Like my first class. I couldn't do a Firemen's been which is the easiest one. But our that's like such upper body strength. No, it's more. Oh, geez. And when you're not climbing, you're descending. So you don't need to pull yourself up. You're just you put your hand up, and then you just slowly descend or fast descent, if you walk into your spin and everyone in my class has different body types, which is nice because I've been to like Zimba classes where everyone's like very thin knows all the moves. And I'm like that. I'm the fat lady in the back like dice step too far the wrong direction. This is like just different sized people at different skill levels. I don't know. I don't know. I really just like it one thing that you've talked about on your podcast, which I listen to pretty regularly. It's very funny is starting therapy, which you've done this past year. I love them. I really liked talking to someone who doesn't have an investment in my life. But cares about my life. If that makes sense. Yes. Like, yeah. Like, Mary cares about me for the hour, we're together. And then I'm sure she thinks about me a couple minutes before I walk in. But for the rest of the her life. She's living her life. I like it because your friends can only handle so much of your problem. Yeah. And I feel like a lot of the time. I will talk about something for a full month before I'm like oh. Okay. I only see what Mary was saying. And not saying because she does like me to discover things on my own and I'm slow as fuck. But I love her and I was having issues with like performing Soleil. I would be doing an hour long set. And then in the middle get really confused and be like, I don't know what's next and same thing was happening in like sketches. I was like, I know and it was easier in sketches because I was responding to somebody. But like when I was by myself, I was like who am I responding to? And then just through talking Mary was like, I think you might have ADD or like I brought it. I was like I think I have ADD, and she was like, I also think you have ADD, but you don't seem to be affected by it. So I didn't talk about it with you. And I was like, okay. So she was like you should go. See a psychiatrist went and saw this woman. I talked for like, maybe fifteen minutes. She went it's severe. And I was like oh. Yes. I got put on a I could up my dosage, it would probably be helpful. But I like the low dosage of five ants. It also helps with binge eating which is also another issue. So it's been very nice to have a tool and at first I was like, I don't want to take medication. Yeah. And I think that stems from black culture where black people are like gear, a strong, independent woman. You don't need therapy. Like, I told my uncle that. I was doing therapy in the nose on medication. And he was like you don't need it. And I was like, well, what do you think is wrong with me? He's a I don't know not that. I was like all right. All right. Okay. Do you think that's generational in the black canoes? Well, like have you experienced that with friends? I most black friends. I've spoken to are in therapy. But their family isn't. Yeah. Interesting. And I guess it just stems down I marry explained it my therapist. Explain it in a way where she was like, it is generational. And it's. Like, it's from slavery. Like, you're told to just grin and bear. It you just deal with it. You just roll with the punches, and that's just how it's been passed down. And I buy into that. I think we all black people in America, hold a lot of trauma from slavery. Which is something. I never realized until I spoke to this. Nice. Whoa. Quite lady. It was like if you think about it like the trauma is being passed down. What they saw overseers doing is what they would do to like real their children in. And that gets brought. Yeah, it's it's a whole very interesting thing, and you're just carrying that with you. Wild and also white people hold trauma to from people doing bad stuff. And then you kind of it's we're all little fucked up monsters who should be in therapy. A we are don't worry. We're heavily Medicated and therapy over here. I think medications great. It's weird though that hesitation because I have I had definitely felt I'm on back now. And I was like I don't need it. If I just cut back on my caffeine and just get back into my yoga practice. I'll get this under control. It was like, oh, no. I don't have power over this. This is my chemical fuck and makeup and a lot of people have chemical inbounds lake. Why would we ever think that we're just meant to be here to just be on our own and just live? It's like they made medication for reason. Get so how have you noticed? Your medication changing, you it is so much easier to perform. That's fascinating state that you were all of the sudden in the middle of doing standup forgetting because stand up seems like a hard ass nightmare. Anyway. I mean, remember it is hard because you remember an hour of material that you wrote cell. She's and you got to remember the setups in the punch lines. And sometimes I would switch the two, and I always had my settlers next to me as like a little crush because I was like what if I lost my now, I can go on stage without a set list, and then also insert new jokes. And remember what I did the show before. Like there was one time in Chicago. I was doing three shows in a row the second show almost every joke. I started with have you heard this book? Because like would not remember what I said in the first show and in the second show, and it was a living Knight. And I was like this is bad. So like, it's been helpful that way, it's also been super helpful to learn lines because I do procrastinate, but I'll like clean, which is great Belva clean room. Yeah. I'll be like well, I've nothing else to do. And you have to learn those lines just learn them. And then I'll do it. It's nice. I really it's a very useful tool for me. I must feel really freeing to to now know this about yourself. Yes. In a lot of things I did in my childhood makes them where I was just like, so the SAT's me, and my mother got into a huge fight about the PSAT's. She was like did you sign up for them knows? Like, no, mama. I'm going to be an actress, I don't need schooling. And she's like what you have to take the SAT's, and I was like whatever, and they put me in his big room with a window. And I was sitting there, and I was like. Wow, life is. Going on out. Talking to do. Oh, that's a nice dog like ten minutes left. And I was. I hadn't even written my name. So then I just like quickly filled in everything and was like, I don't I don't know how I don't know. And I scored very poorly. And then like elementary school when we would do math. I remember this one teacher, MS gizine, sheeting Hughes me of cheating because I would guess the answer and then worked backwards, and she was like there's no way you could have done that. And I was like, I don't know. That's just how my brain works and still it works that way. Like, I can guess I love going to storm being like what's the sale price? And then figuring it out and then working backwards. It'd be like, ooh, I'm right. Oh, wow. Yeah. Like a wizard. Harry Potter here. We better like, I'll tell you. And she look at me of cheating, and then had a conference with my mother and made me take different test. But it was like the same like, multiplication, whatever. And I did the same thing. And my mom was like there's no way she could have been cheating. She was sitting outside while we were talking. And then this gives you is just kind of mean to me if the rest of the year, and then that day on I was like, I hate math. Yeah. Just destroy your self esteem for I mean, I don't want to speak for you. But I have similar experiences and my self esteem like I'll go to therapy. My fourth grade teacher, and it stays with you just a dolt told me, I was bad, and I wasn't doing anything wrong. And then I just talked a lot in school. I would rush through my home where my schoolwork to help the unfortunate children who were stupid. In my brain. Like, mommy's other kids are so dumb. I have to help them out. Let me teach. Maybe like you have to do your own work. I already did. Yeah. As an awful because I just and ADD and little girls manifests differently than boys like girls, become busy, buddies, busy bodies. And then Spacey, I would go inbetween spacing out and being over like a overactive. And I think they were just like, she's just annoying. And now, I'm ill. Diagnosed thing, but an ADD or anything related never came up when you were a kid bird, which is crazy. It never ever ever came up. But it like it, select, depression, and anxiety and eighty everything not everything a lot of things are very connected. So I started taking my medication. And then because I would have a lot of stuff to do. I don't know how to get any of this done. I'll take a nap. So then I became a Napper. I would sleep and sleep and sleep and be like, wow. This is mounting up. Go to sleep again. It might be okay. But the medication like it doesn't keep me awake. But like it's just like a little thing in the back, my brain. That's like say, yeah. Maybe do what you need to do. So for me. I like it some people don't like it. But you just have to figure out what works for you. Today's episode is brought to you by joi bird. Kate. Have you heard about the revolution? And online furniture shopping. Oh, you mean our friends at joy bird, the online furniture company that helps you make your ideas into a reality and empowers you to create the space and furniture that brings you joy fat is the one Cate joy makes it easy to design your space. However, you like matinee actually got a couch long before they ever even knew about this podcast because it didn't exist. And you've used it in a variety of spaces in your home, you have and we just bought the matching autumn, and it looks great. I saw it. And I was like you this is different. And the storage autumn in all have, you know, those are the best. And it matches your couch perfectly with a wide range of pet and kid-friendly upholstery options. Thank you. I don't have to worry about my dog Lucy's forgetting everywhere or my kids gosh darn juice running all over my couch. Each joy peace is made by hand with care and precision using high quality, hardwood and responsibly source materials to fit your exact specifications, and they come with a limited lifetime warranty two they also have hassle free in home delivery. So you never have to try and finagle an awkward piece of furniture in your trunk again. And they'll even remove all the packing materials. So you can see how joy bird is revolutionizing online furniture shopping. They're giving our listeners a special offer. Just visit joy dot com slash river. Thirty five and use promo code forever. Thirty five to receive twenty five percent off your first order again to create the furniture that brings you joy Goto, joy dot com slash forever. Thirty five for twenty five percent off your first order with promo code forever. Thirty five that's joy bird dot com slash. Over thirty five promo code fiber. Thirty five for twenty percent off your first order. Today's episode is also brought to you by hellofresh dorey. Yes. I have decided that I'm not into standing over my kitchen sink eating crackers for dinner anymore, which is what I have done for many years, as you know, meal. Planning gives me a lot of anxiety and hellofresh has made it so much easier. Hellofresh is a meal kit delivery service that literally does it all they plan shop and prep for you. It's really a no brainer with fresh premeasured ingredients and easy six step recipe cards with photos might I add. It's so easy to whip up a healthy delicious meal and with three plans to choose from classic veggie and family, you can easily rotate depending on what you're craving that week. I I love all my ho- fresh meals, and there are big hit in my household like the Meatloaf delicious, and we've also made this like sausage and cabbage meal. That was really good. So. There's a lot going on. Yeah. The family box was a huge hit. And my household, and I need to go on the record and say that nothing is ever a hit one. I make it on my own so thinking hellofresh. It's so great that all of their meals can be made in just thirty minutes using only two pots or pans with minimal cleanup and hellofresh is delivered right to your door in recyclable insulated packaging, making it very convenient for those days. I don't want to save the grocery store Dory. They've actually made cooking something I enjoy which has been a struggle for me instead of a task that I dread every night. And I've been able to try new recipes that my kids have loved, and that's that's a win. I'll take that any day. Sure. To help you get out of that recipe rut and start cooking outside of your comfort zone. Hellofresh is offering our listeners a special deal. Take advantage of hellofresh this special offer and get sixty dollars off your first month by going to hellofresh dot com slash forever. Sixty and entering code forever. Sixty that's twenty dollars off your first three boxes again to receive sixty dollars off your first three boxes of. Hello fr. Meals. That's like receiving six free meals. Visit hellofresh dot com slash forever. Sixty and enter promo code forever. Sixty. Can we talk about some of your other self carotenes the suds pole dancing? What are they what are then? Well, I try to get my nails done. I like looking down there a little gross rate. Now, they're a little grown out. But I like looking down at my hands and sing something. Nice. And then I like to get mottos done because I like to I like to be barefoot my house, and I'd like to see something nice. I I like makeup some people don't like make in there. Like, you know, metoo our make up to feel beautiful, but I like to like contour my face and transform it. And I like wigs. So if I'm having kind of a shitty day, I will take the time to like paint my face feels therapeutic. And it's nice to see it all come together. And I'll curl my hair. And then if no one complements me, I don't care. I feel pretty and I feel good your lashes on your stand up special or amazing. Thank you. They looked really good. Those are more lashes. Ten dollars a pair, which is a little expensive Beaumont I washed them, and I keep for too long. Wow. Well, they look gray. Still still don't understand how lashes work when are you mean? I mean, I just have my own. I've never had or they the magnetic kind of the glue a use a non late. Tech's glue because I'm allergic to lay time I are not allergic. But it hurts my eyes. Yeah. You just glue the strip on and you go about your life can the therapeutic feeling of doing makeup it like it's it sounds very like you're using your hands you kind of get zone. How did you learn to contour and to actually like do a face YouTube? Oh, God, I got better at watching YouTube tutorials hoop and then trial and error. And was there a particular person or people on YouTube that you would recommend? Nope. Just a bunch of drag queens, black queens. I would look at at first I was looking at white people. And I was like this doesn't apply to make those people don't have mosquitoes tone. That is silly. I started watching black drag queens, and then black YouTubers, and I truly learned how to do it because I would get two jobs and make up artists would not have a complete kit. They make me look gray. They wouldn't have my color. So then I started doing my base. I would just do my foundation and conceal her. And then let them do the rest. And then I was like I don't like the way he did. So then I would just come full faced. And then maybe like, oh, this is so nice. Okay. All right. And then I was like, okay. I can look the way I want to look. But now it's now it's more therapeutic. I've been luckier with things I've booked where people have a full kit and know, how to do my face 'cause you look great on TV, Jane, q for my specially Demeo Minka. Oh, you did. Because you knew exactly how you wanted to look. Well, we didn't have a makeup test anytime. There's no makeup tests for something. I will just do it. Because if you don't wanna look at my face before I don't trust you to do it on the day because all faces are different. Like do you watch drag race? Yes. So rupaul got a new makeup artist raven and I took raven about a season and a half to get her face. Right. That's about the time. It takes to get a face and get it. Right. And get it exactly. How you want? It. It takes a while. Because it's a learning curve you're applying makeup to somebody else. And that's hard in itself. And then to have it look spectacular every time. That's crazy. But I did it because there was no test. And then I got there and the woman literally had no colors darker than me. She was like I'm going to contour you. And I was like with what nothing is darker than me. And that's what a contour is as happy that. I did it myself. I also let this man do my hair, and I hate how my hair looks in the promo. So I just did it for the special. He didn't even have a a curling iron because I was taping with three other men. So the woman just gets left out. I did watch the special that was after yours and he comes out like dress like a teen. Like, you look up like I got to be hard when you. And a lot of people in their specials. Didn't dress up to meet this is special. Yeah, I've wanted this for a very long time. And it took me a very long time to figure out my outfit. And I wanted to look very pretty did. Thank you love us, Kurt hew. I found that in a in a resale shop it was like twenty dollars, and it was cut to the perfect wave like someone cut it. And I was like this was cut for me. Someone did this for me. It looked to me hang you dialed your whole self for your special to. Yes, anytime for the most part anytime, you see me on television. As me, I'm I've done it all is that true for Nelson. Also, no, that's not true that I have a very lovely wardrobe woman named Dr Shawn and then a beautiful makeup, lady, racial. We've had a few of our listeners contact us about like how to talk to a partner about their sexual desires or even. I'm just like wanting to have an orgasm. And I'm curious you talk very openly about sex or sexuality, you're dating. Do. You have advice for people who are not comfortable having those conversations and even aren't just even comfortable like exploring their own bodies. I think it starts with exploring your own body. I I think if you know how to make yourself come. Then it's easier to explain it to somebody else. And I can't imagine having silent sex sense insane to me, and I know people do it. But I think communication even during sex is good like if someone is doing something, you don't like your well within your means to say, hey, I don't like that. Please stop that. Can you do this instead? And then maybe four play you can say I like when you do this. Can you do that tonight? I don't know how to help someone get comfortable and like get there. Other than maybe like fake until you make it like watch a little bit of horn. Even though porn is not real. It's not real the way. Women react is not real. But sometimes they they talk. So maybe take a little bit from there and talk to your partner. I think you should always be talking. You have this joke in your at the beginning of your stand up special. Will you verse volley preface your whole special? I tell a lot of fat jokes told to not do that. And you did it. But I did it. I didn't specifically because I've never seen anyone till thirteen minutes of fat jokes before. What how do people because one of the jokes that you tell which I really loved which I also made me just reflect on my own behavior was when you're talking about how people would do not at Kwait fat will. Yes, you to fall and a lot of female comics have this joke. And then we all put our a different spin on it. But I would start doing. So we started doing fat material. It was a whole journey because I would do it. No one would laugh, and then people will be like, Nicole. You're not fat, you're beautiful. And I was like, but I am fat. Like, I'm standing in front of you. I know him. Yeah. Yeah. I know I can't shop at every store. I know you know, what what what is this? What is this little weird denial? Yeah. Minute was like being on being beautiful. They're not mutually exclusive. And that was like a thing in and I had to tell audiences that up top. And then for them to not feel bad for me because it's also weird to feel bad for somebody on stage because it's like didn't leave my house. I didn't put makeup on to get on a stage to have you feel bad for me. I don't feel bad for me. I wouldn't get on a stage if I felt bad for me, that's an insane thing. And then it's like. It was just very confusing to me and then. Yeah. It was just it's just weird that I have to tell people that. I literally tell people I'm like this. You're doing this because you think that is ugly. And it's like, whoa fat. There's tons of beautiful fat people. And then fat fetish. Just something you have. It's not something you are. Yeah. You know is just very interesting trying to work out that material and the only fat like Monique would talk about being fat and being like empowered. And I feel like that's a like a stereotype of black women like like fat black women are like they don't need nothing. Whatever they're confident they're strong. There's a comic. Now who tells a joke, but it's like you can't insult a fat black lady. I'm like, you truly you. Absolutely can. And then we go home, and we cry where people to. So I wanted to come at it as a way almost like how the world views fat people. So that's where I was trying to do jokes before we wrap up a have to ask is it overwhelming being on nailed it a show beloved by all in which there's a catchphrase people can just come up to you and say all the time. Yes. Louis small children like mine. Are madly obsessed with you. It's very weird to have children like me that you get that a lot right like people's kids are obsessed with you and show. We'll want me to host their nailed it theme parties, which blows my mind because I ask you to do that. Now. One hundred percent Joe for you. Because I know you, thanks. Okay. I'll call you next week people. I don't know. I'm not coming to host your nail that even have to pay me an astronomical you'd have to pay me. At least my episode agree. A TV phoning. That's I mean, isn't that much? But like, but it's gonna have to pay me. It is just so weird that kids like like my little cousins, it's weird because my family knows me. And then my little cousins vaguely knew me because I see them once a year and this year my little cousin London was starstruck. She couldn't believe. London. You know, me, and she was like, we know each other. Yes. What did we do? And then she made me sign a piece of. So you're gonna see me next year. You're going to see me so many more times. So like that's been weird the little boy I used to nanny just called me the other day I have to call him back. But he was like no Cole. I do you want me to play it. Yes. It's the cutest thing in the whole wide world. It's essentially like the kids in his class. Can't believe I used to babysit him. I'm Hyun to say, I love you. And then I think nail it. Awesome. And all my friends love it. And then they're just like what the cool byrant your babysitters. From when you were a kid in and I told them. Yes. And they're like, are you serious crazy? That's all. Boom because this is my he was my best friend. Because I didn't have money for therapy. And he had a really big head and his body. Just kind of grew a little slower. He's like he was super tall. Like by the time. He was like to but I would put him in this little Donut pillow and talk at him. Why doesn't this man? Love me. He'd be like. And then like, I he would like say funny things, and I would laugh, and then he'd be like, oh, that's funny. He was he's great. He's I haven't seen him in years and one time he dragged an Oprah magazine into his room and went col-. No. The he's the best way love him so much. So I guess I do like, listen, just well behaved, hugs. God. I'll try Nicole. This has been the best. Yes. Thank you so much literally the best. Thank you. Thank you for coming on the show. If people want to search for you in a non creepy way, where can they find you on my Instagram? It's at Nicole buyer. My Twitter is at Nicole buyer. I have a Facebook pages. I very rarely update you can search for it. And I won't tell you what it is. And then my website is Nicole buyer was taken dot com. Because Nicole buyer was taken. Awesome. Thank you. Gotta think they. Thank you. It's okay. How did finding a recipe that you're excited to try go for you? Well, I've picked the recipe, and I'm gonna make it tonight. Do you know what I've decided to do what life favorite food like one of my favorite favorite meals. Eggplant parmigiana who I love Clint parm, but I've never made it. Oh, I've just eaten my grandma's or my mom's or just like eating it at a restaurant. I never actually made eggplant parmesan. And weirdly in the New York Times recipe. Weekly recipe Email they had a link to a quick a crunchy eggplant parmesan recipe. It was Kismet. I kind of felt like it was so I'm gonna make it tonight, yum. So I'll be reporting back next week. But I'm really excited. I'll share a link to the recipe of sleep also cookbook that I've mentioned before treachery ah, which is by Patricia wells, also has an eggplant parmigiana being I was gonna make that one. And then I saw the New York Times one. And I was like well, just try this. I'm going to try both. I kinda had this whole eight I'm gonna perfect eggplant parmesan s. I can't wait to. Come over and eat it, and nobody in my family likes eggplant. So I will have it ultimately health or to share with you. Thank you. Let's it's not full. It is my pleasure which like that to be a meal. I bring you during like God early baby days does I plant parmesan Matt's talion. That's right, man. I of course, he likes yard naked through the family. So yeah. So that's where I'm Dory. We you've already nailed your intention. Yeah. I mean, I discussed it that that my schedule has just turned into a daily word count goal. You're getting it done you're chipping away and done. I do think to like the practice of writing everyday can be applied to anything like putting your laundry away. Hopefully, you could do just a little bit of day. Yes. I mean, these are things that I know to be true that trouble executing in my real life. Totally like, so there's it's not like there's a deadline by which like I need to get all my laundry put away. Whereas there is a deadline for my book. That's true. And also, no one is paying you to. Get your laundry away wreck to you are being paid to write a book. Indeed. But you know, we all should put our laundry, wait, some point that's true laundry. Hot topic on this podcast. Right. Very hot. So what's on the intention calendar for you this week? So this week. I was just I was sitting at my desk this morning, and I was like, oh, there's a lot of papers just papers on my desk. And we just need. We don't know when we're going to be able to combine her offices because this whole window situation that I've referred to previously. I texted my landlord this morning. And I was like, hey any update and he was like, no I'll check in. So I don't know when that's gonna happen. But I would like to get everything prepared. And so that's that needs to start with getting the papers and all the clutter in my office, work Anais d-, and how do you have steps laid out with how you're going to do that. Well, I have a filing cabinet. Okay. And I have a shredder great. So those are two key part. They either going one pile or the other centrally right? So yeah. That's that's kind of it. You'll get through that. I hope so thank you. How about you? I, you know, I'm going to try to start reading the intuitive eating book. Okay. Many listeners have mentioned it as a book they have enjoyed and recommended it to me when I get into my like, I'm having. My body image issues at my food is shoes and all that fun stuff for the benefit of our listeners. What is the title of this book, so Dory? The book is the official title is intuitive eating a revolution. A program that works by Evelyn Trimboli T R I B, O, L E and Elise rush. I'm pronouncing their names horribly wrong. I'm sure and it says make peace with food free yourself from chronic dieting, forever rediscover, the pleasures of eating those are three things. I'm really working hard to do. Well, I look forward to hearing more. So I figured when I was in my like negative world brain spiral. I was like what are some steps that can do to maybe just like get out of this. And I did some like positive thinking about myself, I reach out to my therapist. And then I was like why don't I make this my intention for the week? Great love it. So I will let you know. How goes hopefully, I read a page great. That brings us to the end. Oh, boy does it ever. But I just want to remind everyone south by south west Saturday, March ninth two PM for a badge holders badge holders. And then for anybody meet up with natch Butte, Sunday March tenth at five and a linked RSVP will be in the show, and we are so excited to see any and all this show up friendly reminder that we have a way smell seven eight one five nine one zero three nine zero and our E mail is forever. Thirty five podcasts at g mail dot com. You can join our Facebook group of Facebook dot com slash group slash Feber, thirty five podcast and join one or many of the many, many, many spinoff groups. And if you like the show, please leave us a review on apple podcast, Tele friend or mentioned us on the social media outlet of your choice, and reminder that all the products and everything we mention is always on our website forever. Thirty five podcast dot com. And you can follow us on Instagram at thirty five podcast and on Twitter at forever thirty-five pod. And fervor thirty five is host. Did an produced by doors for your aunt, Kate, Spencer and produced an edited by Sammy Julio and lane. Hammer is our assistant. I everyone by.

Coming up next