Episode 092: How to Create a Better Relationship featuring Tara Davis

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

the trailers now todd pat what stories coach john herald going three over the middle lane north carolina moral doesn't die and everything you need to know when it comes to strengthen conditioning trish sleep as stress management check us out on move lab rallies dot com fame coach john carey dot com now you're you're john and i'm very excited to talk to david say on the health fuck has fallen utara thank you hi we are excited to delve into relationships and intimate intimacy everything that goes along with those two topics so before we do that let's ice rink and when she was the biggest lesson or take away from me gonna be a car in the previous relationship will you know as i look at this question on i really sat in what is one major lesson that i've learned in actually there is not well there is one but here's how i look at it as i just open every day all the lessons that come about because i know for me traeger are my lesson whatever is up in whatever is triggering me there's a lesson in there for me but one of the really big lessons for me in my current relationship this year will be married twentyfive years actually in a couple of weeks twentyfive years of marriage wrestlers thank you it doesn't seem so but it'd be other other hand it seems like an attorney because i've heard so much and so one is need biggest lessons that i have learned that my husband is just been amazing is that i have learned to use my voice it has been the biggest transformation of me in our marriage as equally as it has been at a partnership and is in a in the couple but for me it is just been to i've grown into me had i not been in a partnership like in a marriage i don't know that i would have grown into me fully as i have with my husband he has been my biggest teacher my biggest growth opportunity and just by being yeah he's not done anything differently just seeing him yeah it's been my biggest proponent perreault okay that's a really interesting observation kind of you know pitches on some areas what kind of get into later on as well but one thing that kinda 'cause it's for me when it comes to relationships and marriages and you know looking back on my experience do and i'm i'm married right now and you know we've been together for three years murray for years total and i realized i had a serious lack of communication ability when it came to relationships and you know that's what my needed to improve on but then i'm thinking well you know there's quite a few men who have communication issues when it come relations you know but the that work in order to make things work overall shubra oh my gosh i'm so part of my journey into myself an juanita had this fantastic marriage was learning how to communicate and communication is so much more than just talking communication is being able to identify and again it comes back to us it's a it's learning what are feelings are because we really can't communicate and express their feelings we don't know what they are other than angrier happy right and so i always love thing that you know anger and happiness are just the front man for a woman for whatever is underneath and happiness is great but let's feel into what else is there is there gratitude is their joy is there bliss an equally underneath happy or underneath anger if you know what is underneath anger there are two billion things that are underneath anger and so what this has to do with communication is that once we start learning about are so and really diving into learning about us that's where the communication piece comes in because then we can actually make it about us i feel blank you know i feel blank when this happened instead of playing finger and being x terminal and making it about a partner oh you always do black instead you know looking in and thinking okay so my partner always does this it literally truly is a lesson for us in that my partner will continue to do this until this trigger no longer triggers me and i whatever that trigger it as much as we wanna air box are partner and say god would you please just stopping it really is our own lesson pilgrims and i just wanna touch real quick john on the the communication peace and you're right as males i don't know that you are purposefully taught the communication piece i think as a as a society we left it up to the women to take care of that piece in the marriage right and so as women we find ourselves wanting to communicate most of us love to talk i'm so we become that piece of the marriage and the guy who just kind of like oh okay well sure whatever you say you know and so my husband bless his heart because he's so married to me he's been pretty much exposed to all forms of communication and as i've grown you know i've gone through so many different courses on how to communicate and so his communication by default just gets up leveled each time i take a new course or i learn you know my new triggers and changes in art communication tation sell high school i'm working mcneil communication okay that's a that's a fascinating insight because i'll tell you the questions we have lined up will kind of delve into a little bit more as well but on ice elvis joke but whoever zeon times on average male irish catholic male originally so you know feelings unexpressed all those feelings come naturally so so just just be worn yeah so and when it doesn't come naturally that's the part where we compassionately shortly and gently work on it it's not something that you just you know forced happened like look you're gonna talk that doesn't happen so it's using that same gentleness and that compassion oh weaving in communication and i know you're not talking about you're feeling but let's try this let's just look one thing and so by compassionately and gently looking into that i love your background because yes you're right that doesn't come in yes yes so so what it is realizing that admitted against russia for everyone listening just gonna delve into your background on your path to becoming which intimacy expert please yes yes yes and so when we got married it was so fun we were married for the first five years and i loved it they like we actually were still in honeymoon like the first five years and then all of a sudden like the real world came in and i was like this is not what i signed up for you it's not what i thought marriage was supposed to be like and so i started figuring out in in going outward looking for okay well i guess it's up to me to do this fingerpointing wasn't working and that wasn't solving anything in mind may can shift and change change really wasn't doing anything that was running up a brick wall in so i realized that i knew how i wanted my marriage to be an i knew i wanted to be in this for the long haul i knew i wanted an end all be all relationship right there just like emotionally snuggle up in my partners lap and just be able to completely unfold however that looked without judgment and at the time i thought well this is like a fairy tale that would never happen but i thought something in me new that's exactly what i want and i was not going to settle for anything less and so i started on this personal development pass pass it i was completely new to at about five years intermarriage on that was such a new thing to me and then once i started down that path it was like an option i could not get enough of so helping personal development in so so then i started realizing well the marriage is they completely overflowing changing involving entity of itself but i am responsible for my half of the street in this marriage and so i kept you know making myself i don't wanna use the word better but just continually working on myself the hill whatever triggers continually came up and so when i kept doing this other people kept asking people to do this marriage thing like you seem to be fairly good at it and then will end so i sort of sharing and then by default my husband was in the military at the time and so he with the officer so he would have you know he'd be in charge of you know hundreds of soldiers at a time and then they would boy and then i was here in states while they were you know in some other country in the never be all the wives were here and so they would ask me all these questions and so i by default kind of became this coach like the surrogate coach and it felt so comfortable for me so i kept sharing all the knowledge college that i got and then i realized she kind of good this so i searched and man i just realized how much i loved helping other women in power in other women in this format and so it just sort of the coaching and then i realized in my own marriage that each time my husband because of the military would be gone and come home and gone and come home then it really started interrupting the flow of what i what i thought we had this really good thing going i thought god this is not working that took us into therapy for years and years and years and years because actually at a point we got being i don't even know how to be married to anymore because you're never ends well it wasn't a bad thing is at first i was using that to finger point and thought well i think this marriage is over because you're just never hear no actually i'm gonna use this growth point an how do we make this work and so again because they're in the military removed every couple of years with a different therapists every couple of years i was determined to really make this work and so each time we would it would be a different therapists with a different concept or with a different twist and so i continually kept learning all of these modalities which then put me back in school as an adult i went 'em for a degree in psychology because the brain and how we function just fascinated me and so i realized that once we start onto the path of self discovery it's really the connection of intimacy with in ourselves that we bring to the marriage once we had such an in depth insights into are selves that's when they intimacy in the marriage actually starts the spark because intimacy isn't the sex right it's not in the bedroom timoci is that internal knowing are so that we bring to share with are partner and when we have such a death in ourselves that we were actually able to open up and be completely vulnerable entrance parrot with our partner until we've done internal work we are closed and we don't have any availability the intimacy with are partner and so i really realized i did that because of the personal work that i've done an this is certainly not saying that i 'perfect because every day is a new day that i'm still learning but i learned that when the triggers common even though i will tracked into the trigger and go oh no the one that's about you i again i will remember to get out of my head and back into my heart in realize okay good god it's about me third in real life but okay it's another piece from me till look with an unrealized right there's another layer that i can let go of that brings even more into see into that place was so it's like teaching this and teach more and more west couples i love learning in real life that men want this connection just as much as women they just haven't realized how they get to it yeah yeah be the point you bring up there but looking with in kind of being the first step to kind of alive everything else in relationship to open up a war do do you feel like that's a hard thing for a lot of people to do and then when when things aren't going well and you know like you said before you know like this this relationship is over it's kind of like the easy way to be like okay we're going on as opposed delving into yourselves and see what you could do better agreed yes i am looking back i know it would have been completely easy way because i was getting to the point i was i was literally on the cliff it was either i run away and divorce or i jump in and steal all of that duck and mock in pain and everything else and what i decided wasn't i don't think it was a conscious decision it wasn't like okay i'm totally heading for the pain it was i don't know how else to do this other than i love you so dearly with all of my heart i just gotta keep going forward but this is insane that my partner also got to a space of really love you and i can't imagine not doing this with you so how do we do this and it was coming to that place and it isn't easy i will one hundred percent say we had been at rock bottom four times and it is not easy because he's like is to say forget this i out like we have tried so much we are boxing gloves are worn out in yeah but each time i mean there was a vulnerability that we both came to in realizing oh man i really love you had that not been there in saying that that is also a place get to that's often not easy because when you're at that place of god were just were just not made for each other there are so many feelings that are covering up you know that onion there's so many layers at that are free of that that a bottom set point of the bottom there are so many feelings of consent arrested anger and resentment it's almost hard to find that nugget of love and so you know i always encourage people when you get to that point of that that rock bottom search out someone to talk to because if you're not shifting and healing what this trigger is free you're carrying all of this to the next relationship yeah yeah flew out in its naughty john you're absolutely right it's not right be a bunch of you you just brought up about shutting someone talking to someone else because again getting back to my background that was a a lifesaver for me being being able to communicate with someone else who wasn't directly involved in the relationship and could give you that thirty thousand foot view from overhead like okay here's what i see going on as opposed to just my perspective right and so that definitely gave me some some perspective i said okay this isn't about you know the person i can do more on my end to contribute more make this a better relationship absolutely and i love you did that because yes just having someone else's perspective just say oh did you recognize this is what's going on you're like oh god holy cow i've never even and it's just that affording that a pen or that offering of someone else's viewpoint who can help you see like right it is i keep finger pointing and i keep fingerpointing about the same trigger all of these have that common factor in there actually i do clean up my side of the street because it is about me right yeah and so when we start working when i start working with couples in an individual's tools i just love that fact because as individuals we actually really crave the vulnerability we crave to have people see us we crave that intimate connection oftentimes we just don't know how to get there exactly yeah yeah and i totally agree i don't agree not winning kind of shift gears a little bit on to just like creating boundaries and and and reasons andres not only in obviously are are gonna be on business or or or lifestyle but also our relationship health is well run you know and i love the business that were using the today because i'm teaching a boundary workshop this weekend and so i've been working on boundaries all week long handsome it's just been awesome and so whenever there's something that i'm working working on you know for a workshop her whatever of course it's up in my life so creating boundaries just so important first of all it gives us such incredible sense of self an end trust in ourselves because again a lot of don't have that foundational trust with inner selves really do it and then it doesn't happen for no i'm not gonna do that and then we ended up saying oh right because of all of this stuff in the background and so we don't have clear her boundaries when we say no come from that place of literally meaning with all of your body no end if you say yes it's because you want to say yes not because you feel compelled new or not compelled you feel obligated did you feel shamed into it like well i should say that word should you know i guess i should do it i mean come on your shoulders just dropped which used that word and so having those clear boundaries create such a sense of safety unstability with inner selves it creates an incredible 'em self assurance within ourselves and so about the first of all has so many reasons that we use some second of all it let other people know where we stop in where they start so that were not completely and mashed of like you know some people say oh i know exactly what you're thinking or i don't even speak because they know what i'm thinking now at large when you sit in a really long committed relationship that's probably the case but even still i find myself going i still know what you're gonna say my husband will go actually dump 'cause here's what i'm gonna say i'm like oh okay wrong i did not know what you're gonna say so the injuries keeping those boundaries really clear are so important because also other than giving us the incredible you know sense of stability in foundation it allows other people actually really see us who we are you know one of the things that i'm teaching this weekend is over committing ourselves and that's one of the things that i work on to become as as you and i were talking before the shiny object syndrome is just so i appreciate all the time if some new project comes on like shiny and fun that an eye over commit myself and so that at the boundary that i currently am working on is not over committing because here's what happens to me is that i get overwhelmed then i get anxious and then i get resentful then i get better and then i get deci and you know and all these things come in because i let my boundaries go and so when we start practicing setting boundaries sometimes we have actually really rigid until we learn like okay this is really comfortable now and now i could soften up a little bit and i don't mean soften up as in like go back pissing esta everything it means like okay now i've said no the last ten things is there one thing what a thing as too because now i know what it feels like in my boundaries so boundaries are definitely a continual thing that we work on yes yes a business and everything you just you just mentioned definitely falls in line because i had a lady called dominate nuts on previous episodes and you know we were talking a lot of work and raise you know and just a work lifestyle and undercut headlining that and you know her her saying was you know to her clients if you're and do something or there is no obligation that you have say yes or no and if it's not if it's not a hard yes it's a hard now you add so so i was like oh that is just like a goto for creating by andries i just take that one line and yeah there you go yeah it is thanks for sharing that because yeah that's a good one yeah yeah you've had a talk a little bit about triggers already and that's kind of just go into what exactly so most rigorous could be and you know strategies also kind of dealing with into yeah and they love i have a love hate relationship it triggers probably probably all do because the triggers are there for us to learn if there wasn't something stuck in a crawl it wouldn't be a trigger and so ninety nine point nine nine nine percent of the time when something gets you and triggers you it's it's about you it's not gonna be about that other person there's something with in us that it's triggering and we have looked pretty steep defined it i mean you know sometimes i've said like we just mentioned like this is not about me you know but as soon as i often in quit putting up that big wall and then realizing like oh maybe it takes twenty four hours before it reveals itself but as soon as i say all right you know what i'm willing to see what this is about you know it's really interesting when someone had shared with me recently like you know they were in the in the airport and they were rushing to get their flight because actually their flight with already delayed they had another commitment on the other end that they knew at the time this already gonna be crunched and so their bag there kerryon beta they've used for years and years and years all of a sudden with two big you know in in you know the person would like i don't even know what you're kind of tell me like i've been using this thing back for years and never got not gone you know as a oh it's it's too big it's gonna be checked in this person said i would actually i've got a almost run out of the gate to make the other appointments at i'm you know this isn't a thing and we up the gate check lady was adamant but it was gonna be he's under the belly of the clinton at the person would have to go baggage claim and yada yada yada as so it was such a trigger for my clients know when when we talked in in she was sharing this whole thing she said so triggered once i got on the plane and looked at all these other people that were behind me their bags were like you know another half size vigorous in my bag and like this is such a trigger entry said there was no way how is this about me you know with all about this other woman and so as we start i i'm kill it she was really working on anger and working on her own issues with anger and how she reacted to situations and so we broke it down and she was like actually take the bag away it wasn't even about the bag it without me and how i choose to act in a specific situations whether i choose to act with anger and she says the situation wasn't changing what what's happening what's my bag with being put under the plane i was gonna have to go get it it was how was i going to react to this one's gonna sit on the plane and feel like you know my whole body was affected by trigger no like so much happened with the trigger and so she had shared with me one of the biggest lessons i learned from just a small interactions with how all of that anger used affect me and i didn't even realize how my body reacts how my gut reacted how my mind reacted how the entire flight would have been affected and then what i would've would've wanted to do ten them out and not feel all of this so it was like this ripple effect of what she learned from what that lady at say checkout gave her but she really awesome so we're gonna talk about gender roles next and out yeah i grew up in a family two older sisters only boy and i definitely think most of that when it comes to gender roles because i feel like if i didn't i might have i've dated view of of gender roles so i'll let you kind of explain what gender roles are on some of the conventional series when it comes to this area yes and i love that you grew up catholic irish catholic because i grew up in a catholic household is well and it was really apparent to me what the gender roles were growing up it was that my dad was the one who went to work and made all the money that's an well in in he somebody's mom there were four of us children and so my mom stayed home they put us through private school so my dad was continually working bus meant he would sit and so in my mind the gender roles but i was shown growing up was that the males leaves the house makes all the money really isn't emotionally present and the females job is to cook and clean in in my mom was a fantastic will still is the fantastic seamstress so she made a lot of our clothes volunteered and so that was my example of what a marriage looked like what gender roles look like and so i thought oh right i mean again this is such a subconscious thing a lot of times so unconscious is that we learn by example and so whatever that example is until we make be realization like that's how i grew up but that's not not how i want it to be until we have that realization we just continue in those patterns and so when i married my husband like right so you're gonna go off to work and i'm going to stay at home which was fun i loved loved loved the mom gig i still love it but you know sort of having these internal conflict like but wait a minute you're never end you're emotionally unavailable what that so married exactly be example that i was raised without just on a subconscious level and so when i started getting really frustrated with how he wasn't showing up and i'm like but you know this is not my parents marriage was here so with because they married exactly what i thought i was supposed to be doing an my husband completely filled that role he came from the exact same situation and so both of us were like trying to figure out why we were butting heads it's so funny looking back because it's exactly what we did we we jumped into our relationship from what we thought it was supposed to look like restarted butting heads because it wasn't what we want it to look like in rock hill i love now but the genders are so much more more fluid i have had several clients to the men have been stay at home dads and they've been amazing incredible nurtures and they have loved that role and the woman has been the one who makes the majority of the money and she has such she has so much more masculine activated in her aunt and the husband has way more feminine activated in him and so once we are able to to lean into that balance of masculine and feminine and you know a lot of us have more that we lean towards than any other and i don't feel like it's dependent upon the physical shells that we inhabit right now whether or not we inhabit a male body or a female body or a gender neutral on each it's whatever we feel resonates with us the most and so in my marriage i will just use mine is an example it's been a practice in a process for both of us show up in that balance because that's my husband was in the military and incredibly masculine role five was balancing the other side of our marriage by stay home in raising the kids which again i super duper loved i would never have changed it for the world once arch and started growing and i was like oh i wanna start working there was this evil intermarriage because it wasn't what we knew an stepping sipping more into eight masculine role by working and i had started a business at that point and i had people working for me so i was way more in my masculine and my husband didn't know quite how to react to that masculinity with in me all he knew of me was i was super duper feminine in so i love that question because that's today it's so easy for us to just pick and choose like oh i totally wanna be you know we we could both be it's you know what we have to choose right i i like the gender roles are so we would these days which is austin is as they should be yes yes exactly i think i think it's it's moving in the right direction right and that's only comes to you know categorizing and saying that okay only females were this early meals and this is like listen everybody can do whatever they wanna do and i love the men who like my husband like his hardest hit the contribution at the helpful he does the laundry he takes my job so seriously like he are closed are beautiful because that's part of his job he also like every couple of weeks we trade jobs on grocery shopping so it's no longer that just women do the laundry in the okay look look like it's an equal opportunity household and i love that because that is what our youngest to his eighteen c you know because that's example that he's getting we don't have to tell him what it looks like it's example but he seemed that way yeah yeah and that's gonna set him up for success because like i had previously like older generations you know we have grown up where at home we had these very divided gender roles and like socalled yeah that's what we used to but now that you have all in and your son sees that when his parents that's a that's almost like so much more free ramsey that even though he may not obviously at the time realizes little elston good seven four it is incredibly freeing thank you for using that terminology nology because yes he gets to choose for roles that he wants to try and i mean he could try them all out and voting what really resonates with him versus oh well i guess this is how it looks so i guess is what i'm supposed to do you know yes i love that yes you're right no freaking awesome awesome all right so this this next topic is one i've been looking forward to discussing what you sell a people basically and and people saying what's on their mind right and i'm just a relationship so this can be there's gonna be a very hot topic and i'm just gonna ask you like water water some the underlying causes of white people may shy away from really saying what's on their mind in relation to confrontation in relationships yeah and there's gosh i'm gonna try to keep the scrape together if it's something that i could talk about for a long time 'em so first of all we have in our nature that were nonconfrontational because whatever they example was we've grown up with whether it's we grew up with someone who wasn't yeller and were afraid of being yelled at you know or we got punished for speaking up or we got laughed at ridiculed and so we have learned again by example that it's not safe safe to tuned to create a rep for to create a calm a confrontation so we shy away from confrontation when people pleasers right we just wanna keep the peace so we shy away from confrontation 'em we don't have a state boundary with in us that tells us i know what's right and so when we don't have that safe boundary with in that says it right then we don't know that it's okay to speak up and so you know that old saying children are seen not heard i mean literally that created so many weighing in us that means we don't confront anything because we don't have a voice and so so that's a little piece of it another pieces that maybe we don't know how to use our words like we had talked at the very beginning i don't communicate and so i don't know how exactly say what is it i want to stay in the home we earn specific tools on communication in the right way to communicate instead of just mumbling are anger all over the place in the communication because become so much more ffective neutral my husband and i gosh i can't even say the last time that we really had a heated argument because we have to the place where when there is a reference something is up 'em we know how to communicate in that neutral place in one of the biggest things that i teach is icefield blank win blank and it means not i feel like you should it is really a anxious or i feel really hurt when and then we is that another thing i teach is that we all create these stories in our minds about you know when you've done something i'm creating the story of why you did it nine times out of ten story it's absolutely wrong and so we have started using the story and creating in my mind is what that does is first of all it takes all of these defensive fences out you know my partner is no longer defensive because i've taken it back to me it's on my side of the street i am take complete ownership for the story i'm creating about what you just did or said or you whatever and so confrontation command really good saying if something needs to come up and be you know sussed out and figure it out to get to that neutral face confrontation it's good i think we've we've learned to look look at it as a bad thing because we know confrontations anger right and so when it is left unaddressed we have not learned boundaries i love this question that you had given to me is well if lesson addressed the lack of boundaries he's become impossible later down the road because when we don't confront what's going on and i know this from so much personal experience because i grew up in one of those household where it was safe to say what i was thinking like i just better closed right now because at the time when i was growing up i had a lot of people in my life that were overbearing and so i wanna say something as a little child i could have been reprimanded i could have been yelled at i could have been grounded sent you know whatever all of these you know things and the child i felt shame and i felt so small and so when my husband and i started to learn how to talk and still i find myself going with in my husband all right what's going on because you're not talking i'm like oh going again and so i know that when i don't speak first what happened is i'm creating a gazillion story then my mind about why he just did that horse said that second of all you start getting better and then i'll starting getting get resentful and then i'll start getting like and then it goes in my body and start creating stuff in my body and so when we choose not to confront what's going on all of this stuff i mean and then it i mean we could go on with health issues and you know on and on and on but confrontation could actually be a really good thing if we come with that mindset of oh sure sure i know how to speak for myself i know how to speak with neutrality with confidence and they know how to get to the other side of whatever the issue is right right yeah and you know i i really feel like what you just mentioned relation to you know kind of phrasing it the way the story in my mind that i'm creating is will is so you know identifiable for a lot of people because you know when you're in that back and forth with your significant other things change in your mind to where okay did this really happened or am i just making this happen you know i i definitely identify with that yeah i mean let's face it we create stories about everything all day long yes yeah yeah crazy it's crazy you know i've definitely been the place where my wife's like a you know where where did this come from or this part of the story i think i'm pretty sure that happens and then later on when i think about myself i'm pretty sure that doesn't so yeah i become the comedy sometimes if we can look back with thing with the thought of all me like i guess yes exactly exactly a okay i want you to feel everybody it is a work in progress we have a book in the works correct i knew i do is about the relationship playbook for marriage is how to be present in your relationship and how it's it is about the two of you but how it's ultimately about you it's about healing you add one of my therapist at one point uses keeping your side of the street cleaned instead of making sure that you're just but you're not pushing everything else to the other side of the street and so in a marriage it's neat it's always about us and i don't mean that from an ego at standpoint is about self care in so many different ways when we're taking care of herself and being true are self speaking our truth our relationships and specifically marriage flourish and slow in it so much better when we are totally taking care of herself and that was like the key thing that my husband and i learned earned through all of the different therapists was not only are we in this together but we are so in this individually like we have to practice daily self care because that's what are marriage flourishes when we are individually taking care of i so i mean i feel like it's about yeah i definitely a lot of a lot of really helpful and insightful advice and you know practical tips that would obviously assist a marriage kind developing and then becoming while we kind of talked about threat this podcast yeah yeah that's all i wanna thank you charlie taking time to come on the podcast and this has been really really fascinating stuff and you know i feel like we've got tougher another two three hours and i would i would continue to learn a ton so yeah thanks john i really enjoy it and said yeah i know you're going to everybody in on where they could find you a website you're still should be all that good stuff yet so you can find all of the information at the relationship playbook for marriage dot com all my social media is on there a my favorite social media instagram and i am do i do stories every day on my personal life life which is really fun i kept tips everyday 'em i do love the facebook live so you could find me there there is tons of free information 'em from my podcast days there's tons of podcasts blogs there's so much free content and then when i have workshops coming up that information will be on there as well and then you could find my six month in six week course is that article also available on my website awesome yeah i would definitely recommend checking out the website because if you are coming

Coming up next