229 - 7 Secrets to a Long-Lasting Relationship
Hi, everyone and welcome back to savvy psychologist, I'm Dr Ellen Hendrickson, and you know, the drill. Al hope you meet life's challenges with evidence based research a sympathetic ear and zero judgment. And as you can probably hear this week. I am getting over a cold. I feel fine. But my voice insists on doing its best impression of a frog. In the meantime, so hang in there with me. And here we go. So today's episode is brought to you by the new podcast fill in the blanks. You know, Dr Phil one of Oprah's most famous friends and frequent collaborators and now you can hear a whole new side of him with his podcast fill in the blanks. That's Phil PH L. So here all new no-holds-barred conversations with celebrities like Vivica, a FOX Kathy Bates and Steve Harvey, plus expert neurosurgeons and lifespan. There's so listen to fill in the blanks on your favorite podcast app, and be sure to subscribe. So this week. Let's talk about how to make a relationship last. 'cause Melwood may have brought you together. But after the clergyman with the speech, impediment instructs you to treasurer your love what next. Well, whether you're married cohabitating or simply in it for the long haul any committed relationship needs a few tools to make it through the years. So this week here are seven. Science back secrets to make your long term relationship. Feel more. Like our Bruno Mars, Mary you flash mob and less like the theme song from married with children. So let's start out with secret number one, which is be your own person. Okay. So before sharing your life with another adult. It's important to have spent some time adulting yourself, you don't have to have your life cross indexed color coded, but it is important to have separated in a healthy way from your family of origin. So if your alarm clock is a phone, call from mom, or you don't get know how to do your own laundry. Invest the time to get your life on solid footing before merging it with another humans. Secret. Number two is be a team. Now. Some problems seem on solvable a fundamental difference in parenting styles in curable, slobby tude or opposite values around money. But the least constructive approach to sticky problems is to blame each other and fight it out. So instead, try and approach called unified detachment unified detachment is a fundamental shift in perspective that joins you and your partner together against the problem. So rather than approaching a problem as you against your crazy unreasonable partner approach the situation as the two of you United against the challenge. So for example, what should we do to save money for the future or how can we work together to fight less secret? Number three is outweighed the negatives with positives. So a classic study out of the university of Washington asked heterosexual newly. Lead couples to discuss a hot button issue in their relationship for fifteen minutes, and the headline making results found that divorce could be predicted from just the first three minutes of the couple's argument and the key. It turned out was the balance of negative and positive interactions. So in their three minute discussion clips spouses in stable relationships, not careening towards divorce predictably display, the less negative affect like contempt. Belligerence anger defensiveness or whining and more positive affect like validation affection and humor. All right. That makes sense. But interestingly for the husband's examining, the entire fifteen minutes of the argument amplified the ability to predict divorce so over the course of the fifteen minutes, husbands in stable, marriages got a little more negative, but they simultaneously stayed positive always making jokes listening and being affectionate. By contrast, husbands in marriages that would eventually end in divorce got increasingly negative and less positive over the fifteen minutes by the end calling their spouse by cute, nickname or validating. Her viewpoint. Went out the window now later the same research lab developed the magic ratio for a healthy relationship for every negative interaction. They advise you need five positive interactions. In other words, stable couples do argue, but that arguing is filled with joking and teasing and listening and love. Secret. Number four be equal a study in the American journal of sociology found that couples it gala -tarian relationships are less likely to divorce than couples where one brings home the bacon and the other cooks it up. So how do you make things more gala -tarian? It's not as simple as splitting up the chores along traditional gender lines. Because a study in the journal marriage and family review differentiated between low control and high control tasks now, low control tasks are named as such because there is little control or choice in the matter. They have to be done more or less continuously like loading and unloading, the dishwasher at specific times like making dinner or on demand. Like changing a diaper, high control tasks by contrast can be done when it's convenient. And they have a specific beginning and end like mowing the lawn or doing a home repair. So traditionally low control tasks have been designated as women's while high control. Tasks have been labelled as men's therefore to increase gala terrorism. Take a page from many same sex relationships and divvy up tasks by interest and value rather than by gender. So for example, the social butterfly takes responsibility for play dates and social events, the foodie makes dinner or does the grocery shopping, and the tasks no one wants, well, you have three options outsource work around because no one has to water plants if you don't have any or divide them up, and even if the dividing ends up falling along gender lines as long as you decided on those assignments together you'll go a long way towards shrinking resent. Now as a PS in families with kids. There's an avalanche of kid related invisible. Labor scheduling play dates, researching pediatricians ordering soccer uniforms and then returning them when they don't fit and in heterosexual relationships this keeping track of. A thousand and one things usually falls to the woman. So how does this get started? Well, it's been argued that it partially starts with maternity leave. It takes time and practice to gain expertise in task. So when mom's are given a leave of absence, but dads are not mom's gained singular expertise during those hundreds of hours with baby. And then that gap never gets closed. The solution paternal leave. Indeed Pew Research survey found that sixty nine percent of Americans believe fathers should receive paid parental leave which would help level the playing field. So if your job offers, parental leave not just maternity leave take full advantage. And if it doesn't do your best to divide up kid tasks evenly from day one. Annalong gourmet cookware can bring your inspiration to life on the dinner table. Whether you're a gourmet cook or bake off where the Baker they've got you covered with everything from expertly crafted cookware bakeware, cast iron stoneware cutlery, tools and gadgets. So you might try the analog advanced collection. It's twice as hard as stainless steel and with nonstick surfaces. 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I'm excited to read like the art of happiness by the Dalai Lama or happier at home by Gretchen Rubin plus classics like how to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie blinking makes it easy to get the key essentials from book during a short commute, a workout or while cooking or cleaning. So join the eight million people were using it already. For a limited time blinking has a special offer. Just for you. Go to blinking dot com slash savvy to start your free seven-day trial. That's blinking B. L I N K I S T dot com slash savvy to start your seven-day trial linka stop. Com slash savvy. Next secret number five, expect a lot of your partner. But not what they can't give you. So while fairytale expectations are bound to be disappointing. A study in the journal of personality and social psychology found that marriages stay happy with a magic combination of high expectations and partners ability to reach them. So in the study couples were asked about their expectations of their relationship and next they were asked to come into the lab identify point of conflict in their relationship and work towards a solution. And researchers watched each partner argue and noted when they avoided the topic criticized or faulted, the other shirked responsibility made presumptions or were hostile. So by contrast. Researchers also noted when partner stayed on topic and furthered the resolution now when individuals had high expectations of the relationship and. Their partners could deliver that match of expectations and ability made for a happier relationship, but not everyone can rise to meet expectations when individuals had high expectations, but their partners how lousy communication skills or dirty those same high expectations set the couple up for disappointment. So the take home is expect a lot of your partner. But only what they're capable of. Secret number six is lie to yourself a little. So remember when you first fell in love, and you thought your partner was the greatest the cutest, the smartest keep them on that pedestal at least a little a study in the personality and social psychology bulletin found that harboring delusions about your relationship when along with greater satisfaction love and trust as well as less conflict. Furthermore, the stronger your initial illusions, the greater likelihood of your relationship lasting over the years. So even when he gets bald and paunchy or she's sporting a mud mask and granny panties. They'll still be your prince or Princess charming. And finally secret number seven is commit to commitment itself. Making a relationship last is more than committing to another person. It's also committing to the idea of commitment. Couple therapists and training are taught to pay attention to three things in the therapy room, each partner and also the relationship every couple creates their own little culture, and it's vital to note, if it's a culture of love support and compromise or one of criticism, insecurity and power struggles. So seen a partnership as something the two of you build together every day keeps you in the game much more than simply in the relationship as a way to get your individual needs met to sum it all up, the grass is greener where you water it. So ten to yourself tend to each other and tend to that third thing your relationship and watch your garden grow. And may not always be a rose garden. But together, it will be yours. Thank you for making savvy psychologist part of your life. Savvy psychologist is audio engineered by Steve rookie Berg and edited. By Joe musk Lino as always sevi- psychologist is strictly for informational purposes and dozen substitute for mental health care from a licensed professional. Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you next week for a happier healthier.