Season 8 Episode 14: Love, Dating, and Ghosting Across Ages
The database podcast. Features real stories from real people of how they make modern dating work or not accepts owed while not only offer you a new perspective on dating, but will also change the way you date. I'm your host you. Eight for dating coach turned Dayton, sociologists. You also hear commentary from my producer, Julie, traffic and other surprise co-hosts. For all of our San Francisco listeners, come meet the dateable team favor past gas and other listeners Thursday may twenty third. We're partnering with nine four one social club where you'll get ten drinks at ten Polk street, bars for only fifteen dollars by using the code dateable. Don't forget, the code is dateable for this exclusive discounted price. And also, we can tell you a meeting spot for the dateable family. We'll have the event posted on our Facebook page and Instagram or go to dateable podcast dot com slash Polk street pub crawl to get your tickets today. Now back to the show. Hey, everyone, welcome to another episode of dateable show all about modern dating. And when we date in this modern world, we need a support system, we need, like a BFF circle of friends, we need co workers, whatever support, we can get to get through the trenches of dating workers, coworkers work, right? Co workers could work, your local bartender. Could also were. But today, we're focusing on a specific friendship between two, wonderful women. We met at a new vent at the wing before we get to their friendship. I've been reflecting on this idea of having a best friend and having someone you can count on all the time, and I feel like being Aquarius that I am I've just has so many different kinds of best friends, you know throughout my life. I can't just pinpoint one I may just. You don't have to feed around the bunch, that's always been Julie, you met her. She's been the one for me. Going, but you know growing up as a when I was middle school. I thought you could only have one best friend, and I was like sub so much pressure. And when I got to my early twenty s it was like, who's going to be her maid of honor, you know, the ultimate coveted spot, but I find support in so many different ways. But I think the one person who's always been consistently by best friend is the my dog. What? All these been my mother always been my mother hands down. And we have a very special bond where we talk about everything my mother, and I talk about sex. We talk about dating she's very open minded, and our dynamic has changed so much throughout the years, because she's always been the door Tatum figure when I was younger, but I think, in recent decade, she's become student, and I'm become the teacher. So we've talked about therapy and communication relationships how she can communicate better with my father. She's only dated and there with one man her entire life. So she is very curious about my life all the time. She loves going on the apps just swiping in the guys that she would choose for me. I would never ever chew myself with horse, but it's hilarious. It's always hilarious away. A we communicate and the way we bond. So that's been my main support system. What about you, Julie? I think I have the group as well. It's changed over the years. I've had. My one best friend since like freshman year of college is still one of my best friends to say. Yeah. I think also like throughout the years. I've definitely gained other best friends, and I agree with you. It's like not one so there's certain people, I tempt turn to in different instances. But of course, finally everyone's opinion. All hit them all up and copy, it pays for fan message, I'll do it individually, but it will be copied copy and paid like how are you typing fast? You feel special. You know, I just want like the different perspectives so you gotta get that with a group. Right. And one of the best ways to get different perspectives is to get a perspective from someone who's not in your same generation then that brings us to our guest today. Their names are Amanda Inez and Amandus thirty one years old in s seventy and their best friends, and they shared a lot of dating stories and conundrums and vice with each other have been very, a strong support network for each other. We want explore their friendship but also get into the dating part of how that's played into their friendship. So Amanda originally from L A currently lives in Oakland, she's been there for three years. She's in a monogamous relationship in Anez is originally from Brazil, she's huge in Brazil, by the way. Okay, blows up the internet by right? She is right? She's minister. Over twenty years, and she is single, and actively dating y'all once a dance right down, like a constant this is a good platform for me. Platform. I wish we were doing video. See two steps. Up for later. Dipping my hair great way to talk about how you two met because it had to do with dancing it did. So I actually went to a fourth of July party at a friend's house, and I recognize as and he knows is friends with my friends mother, and it was like, I recognize you from swing dancing. I had seen as on the dance floor and I had noticed her because she was really happy when she went dance, and she would oftentimes slacker leg. Know it's me, and so then the next time that I went to this Thursday night dance I saw, as and we started to say hi to each other, and then our friendship grew out of that, we've, so we became friends outta debt, you know, the, the dancing, I think was our connection at the beginning. We always meet at the dance floor. Talk about the different guys that were coming in. Before, you know, he's known, you know, after that we started having brunch before we would go dancing. You know, from our relationship. That's a good segue to what were your dating lives like at this place. Yeah. At wing you met. And how many years ago was this five years, so five years ago where were you we all single dating? Yeah, I mean dating but we didn't have a significant author. Okay. And then how were you dating I was dating on the app? So I was probably on tender and bumble. I don't remember the exact one at the time I am going app. So I was dating, you'd people did I met at different agai that a man in a restaurant when, when all the time, guy that omitted airport. So traditional. Yes attracts. People are drawn between us, she's very happy and exuberant. Yeah. So we always say the problem of Bonner dating. We're all in our own worlds that are headphones. Wind in life. The slapping your leg weather. You're happy were itchy doesn't. Liver, and we're checking the debts. I don't know. I just I did try apps, you know, just to see what was all about we. I'm Amanda helped me it was not for me. And you were married. So many marriages forty years forty years, and your husband passed by how many years ago, nine years ago. Okay. I knew. And so how many years after he passed you get back into the daisy, you took me we had the place in San Francisco in a place in LA where my son my daughter-in-law my grandkids live. And after he passed I spent one year more in LA, and then I realized that I was ready to just be on my own. I thought it was time for me to start facing that I now is by myself, you know, that I not supposed to have my son and my daughter in law, and my grandkids around meal, the time. So when I thought it was time, which took about a year. I said, I'm going to go back to San Francisco. Guys, you know, in my daughter-in-law crying. A little bit now. But I knew that this was a half was there like a time between moving year than when he started actively dating, maybe about a month. Oh, a thought of month. I was here, it was, like, you know, okay, life is different. Now. I am not a new woman, but I have a new set of goals for my life, you know, in a among this set of goals is I'm not going to be available, but it was a year a year in the month. I think over the time that I've known you started dating more more say when I first went in. As out there as you are. Now. I agree. So you're grin, but not like yeah. Doing. Yeah. What about you? Amanda, obviously, you were not married to some Infor, forty plus years to live for funding listening. Listening. Out of college, when you two met. Yes. So what was your dating history like my dating history? I had had my first love was kind of an international situation. He I met him here in any new to the we had a long distance thing for a while. And then when I moved out here, I was single on the dating apps, maybe six months after as I started dating someone more seriously who was another swing dancer. And then I was in a relationship with him for around a year and a half. And then I went back into the dating world. Can we talk about the swing dancing for a sec? All right. Apparently this is like the hot spot to meet people. Amanda, you told me the last time we saw each other. You said you like net two or three boyfriends from it. Yeah. I dated several people swing dancing unwanted serious boyfriend from swing dancing, and I think the great thing is that you dance with someone there's no pressure to dance with them again. It's kind of the norm that you dance with one person you dance with another person. So it's a very low pressure way to meet a lot of different people, and then the people that you're drawn to in our drawn to you. You can go back. And dance with them. Warren, kind of gradually as you see them over the weeks dances form something for let's talk about this idea of frost. Generational learnings. And I guess let's start with Amanda, what are some things that you've learned from UNESCO throughout the years that you've applied to your dating life? The biggest thing that comes to mind is not to settle. I had gone through break-up must've been maybe four years ago now and I was very upset about it. And I went over Tunas place was crying. He knows was giving me advice in chocolate and chocolate, and champagne. Preser- for. I mean really encouraged me to not settle down too quickly into really enjoy time by myself as a great role model of enjoying life by herself as we'll take herself to the symphony to the opera. She'll go on vacation, she'll go to that fancy restaurant. She wants to go to show dress up just because not to impress anyone else. So I had this great role model of I can take time to do things by myself and enjoy being by myself. And that was really important. In terms of didn't feel pressure to go back out in Dade right away. And I also saw that it can be really fulfilling to be by yourself. So took away that anxiety of needing to find someone because I wanted to find someone. But I realized that if I didn't I could be fine. You know, one of the things that I was always impressed after I lost. My husband was that. I did not want to wait for somebody to enjoy life. So, you know, I wanted to go to the movies. Why should they find a girlfriend to go to the movies with me? I can listen, I can see the movie that I want. To see so I started stadium slowly doing things by myself. And that's what I told him in. I went to the movies by myself, then suddenly, I go to the by myself, then I want to go to the symphony by myself in this, you know, I wanna go to this fabulous restaurant white to weight in check. If somebody has the time to go to the restaurant, we'd meet. No, I can go by myself. Awesome. They're the slowly on started doing things by myself when I mostly when I came back to San Francisco in that realized that the kind of enjoying it. So that's a really good point. Because I remember the last time we spoke in than when you when you did your talk you said you were deeply in love with your husband had. I'm mazing marriage. I and after your husband passed you found join hang out yourself and being by yourself. So for any guy to take time away from that he would have to be someone pretty stellar. Right. Because that was your way of filtering out the guys who weren't worth your time. Yeah, you're dating xactly sounds like Amanda. That's something that you've definitely taken have. Yeah. Definitely embrace that as well. So I spent a good year and a few months before I settled down again dating and just enjoying line. What are there commonalities? Did you find having a friend that was in her seventies with your dating ones? We found that it's just always complicated. You know, you'd like to think that it gets easy. With areas that you'll learn or that the men. Learn. I'm not really. 'cause we talk about some of those complication a chore. I think one of the things that we can talk about is the DTRA. Tom. DT are one. No. You know, I mean, the tells me, you know you need to have the complaining about this guy that I was dating thought that by now he would know better. For she told me it's very complicated. On. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I know this. She goes any have they did to our talk or go while the detail what did he want? So she excited that you. So I thought it was so funny that you would have to have a DT heart talking. I had no idea about that, too. You know, because he wanted me to be his girlfriend, righteous, my girl, you are you, my girlfriend? He kept asking me all the time, then kind of really upset me. I didn't know one only girlfriend. I just wanted to make girfriend sometimes they'll get alley. When you dated your husband probably didn't have any of these conversation. Of years of no on your writing that time it was assumed that, right? You know. So it was interesting that when I manage lane to me, I thought in dozen buddy does make sense because you need to stab wish almost like Standish boundaries. Did you are talk so much boundaries? And then identify what you want identify what the other person wants on the talk about whether it's compatible yeah, yeah, it's, it's ruled driven. But it is it's interesting because I think with modern dating we've realized that just relationships come in so many shapes and forums what I'm learning from you guys, is that despite age of and change still now, people a variety of needs a variety of ways that they pro choice, I case in point ghosting, talk about the ghost amount about analogy Yudhoyono's was flirting with this man. And he went away on a fishing trip. And so he was sending in tax unlike southeast with the fish, and of course, he knows with sending them to me, and it seemed like things were going well. We were both kind of excited about this prospect, like his, Mr. fishermen, you know, like going to be an outdoorsy woman now in maybe one time we go fishing together. And I've talked fishing's not my thing, but I you know, I liked him. I didn't like fish. I like open-minded him and I call him unit that go. I mean go sufficient, I we call him the fish of sufficient guy go. I don't know who suddenly he just doesn't fix me anymore. He doesn't not make nothing disappear in the mini goes on. I think you'd be ghosted and I go. I mean, what it goes to been ghost, and I go, what? What? To me. Ghosting is like, oh, I don't believe this. I cannot believe that somebody that'd be talking to you. Suddenly disciplined Becky, so some roof, no one would ever do that. No. I said, at least, they couldn't tell me, you know, I'm not interested in Marshall said, no, this Weisgall ghosting ghost. Now I could not believe it. I haven't been costed then about maybe a month later or something. Remember the guy didn't that I was talking to in everything he stop. Texting me, I think been goes thin again. If I. Mike and I'm laughing, you know, should go in not supposed to be fun, bigger price on. That's been so happy about. Yeah, yeah, but I'm seventeen I've been ghosted. I think that's. Nevada David experience. That's for sure. Verify that these guys actually did ghost. Are you saying what I'm asking you out to my God? I'm gonna go see no into a whole fish. I know. A life because I've seen him I've. I've. Not him say, even when you're in your thirties, you always want to give people the benefit of the doubt, like, oh, maybe selling. Yeah. Horse in the summer. Horse in the sentence will be passed to win. I saw that mother fucker. I saw them. Fucker. No, I totally ignore him. Oh, I go sit him in person. You know he was like kind of looking immune just passed by. So this is all like the standard right? Amanda, like, you're like this is the typical interesting to seem as reaction reminded me like a weight like people shouldn't do this to each other. But before that I had thought of it is pretty normal. I mean it happened to me. It happened all my friends. So give me some perspective, incredibly brew. Sobering credibly was there anything else that you like really took away from as experience. I think it just would be like behavior really doesn't change human nature is human nature. Whether you're twenty or fifty or seventy or ninety. And so we've experienced a lot of the same dilemmas, and that's just because human nature is pretty constant tune and people don't really from what I've seen like tend to get more respectful dating necessarily ride. Right. So interesting. You think people are going to grow up, right? Mystic. This guy on the dating was sixty four I talk, you should know. But I'm a cradle raw. You know the break. Cradle robber robber. So we talked to some of the commonalities of dating between the two generations. What about some of the differences when a seen I think the biggest one would be the way that we have met people. So, you know, I was I started online dating when I was in college show when I was halfway through college, I've gone on one day, and it was a walk in a graveyard in the mud and. Really? So I was like, I really hope that dating is better than this. And so I went home for the summer, and I for J date, and it was very early on in there in the dating world. My parents were pretty scared for me, but they let me do, but since online dating has felt pretty natural. So cross time. I've tried most of the sites and apps, and I met my boyfriend on bumble I had a really great experience with bumble. So to me that salt really natural and NS has tried trie-. We tried our time. We had to do for is that an it's an app for seniors. Wow. Which I had to go something is to she tries something of. She goes. No, no. This is not for you. Our show is a couple. We have making always be my grandchildren now. So I've been de plus pool is not big now. So. Not their demographic our time is that like as interface very similar you swipe through people. Yes. No, it wasn't a swiping. But you can look at people amend message. So we made a profile for inas that had no photos, no identifying information thing, not just as I want do to be able to see because I thought that if you can see someone that she thought was attractive may be interested in trying, and I gave her the screen of dancing has morale, though, because. Giving our cover as soon as you took a few weeks. And you looked at people look at people I did. And I thought you know, one thing that surprised me a lot. Yeah. There were a lot of older, man. The one that surprise me a lot. Instead, they were all looking for a steady relationship some of the marriage. They mentioned even marriage, you know, the, you know somebody that I can in my vase with and stuff like that allow hear me to death Niaza scary. That's so opposite of what you find on any of, like home liner. Everyone's lever something, casual or mania on no, fear, you that these men were looking relationship, I talked before you decide that you're going to be with somebody for a long time. You better known them I right now. So I thought me being the woman in them being the guys, the guys would be more like soon. Gi you. You know, and I want like dating here. Dating, none of them. They were all looking for something steady okay for a girlfriend that steady relationship somebody, I can share my life. With is. That's something you're looking you not know. Why is laughing buddy today? I don't know if I wanna share my life with mind, dating somebody, but do I want to share my life we didn't? That's for me to decide later on besides I might be dead by the time. So you know what I mean? A lot of them was a lot of commitment. Some even said, you know, you few are not looking for steady relationship or series relationship dope on. Why do you think that's the case? Do you think they didn't have that because I know you are obviously, married before that probably changes timely is twofold, I think one kind of man might have been divorced, and divorced again because at my age this age bracket. You could have been divorced twice in. I'm still looking for the one that is going to. End my days. We'd be, you know, I think that was one thing, so they still believed American still live and marriage. Yes. In soulmate in, in the on their widower Lino, like me, it was like, okay, I'm going to start all over again now. But this time is gonna be good. I had a very good marriage. Some people don't run two years room guy did, but miserable marriage now I'm going to get the right one. So you be open to someone again, or you kind of close that no one cry. You have nothing against guys. You know, but he needs to be the right one. Right. You know, in, I think I need to be looking for them, if they show up, they don't show up my female friends that say that, you know, I would love to have what you had win with your, your late husband. I never had that. But I did. I know how it is. It is great. But it takes time to build debt for years, forty years. So. I'm have that much time. Guys. I'm seventy so well are living a lot longer these true. Yep. So you're dating purely for companionship. I'm dating to having good time con time. So I take that was a difference, too, 'cause Amanda Masih me you're looking to start a life 'cause you're yeah, he's trained. Yeah. That has been a difference for us is the time horizon. So when I was last dating, I was looking to settle down. I wanted to get married and have kids. And so I was looking for someone who wanted that to which as we know on apps. Not everyone is looking at. And so I go on to our time. Com for. Ladies all this. Clean up on our. Luckily, I didn't have to resort to our time. I've really great. Age appropriate. Looking down family. So that, that is definitely been a difference for us in. So I was kind of looking to screen out, people who are less serious more into hookups in thinking is through meeting people. You've been screening for the nurse versus person that was bad. So that's like the third or fourth difference. We wanna talk about its intentions, what are people's intentions with data. And so we know with modern dating Amanda, the intentions are not always consistent. You're having have a good time. Maybe they're in between relationships there in transition. But then for you in as the nurse in the purse is your nursing the purse is like at my age bracket. There are a lot of guys looking for somebody that is going to take care of them. They have some off are some physical problem or something. That is not right with them. That is not talked about. They start dating you for like a month, two months. And then you find out that this guy has like a huge heart problems on something in you become the nurse. The looking for a nurse. They looking for somebody to really take care of the caregiver. Care, given the precise to end the Percy's like how is always good to find somebody who's financially independent because, you know, my business didn't go so, well, you know, in not saying that all of them are like that. Right. I'm seeing that it happens in have seen. Right. A lot of it. I have seen a lot of friends of mine that got into the situation of being the nurse utterly or the purse. So I get hot parallels us trying to weed out the player. Yes. If we don't have to weed out the nurse of yarn there any nurse gun right now. They are layers southward that we know. Yeah, it's good to know you know, just to be aware of it. I think in the beginning of your dating. I think you guys when you're young when you go in a date, you assess certain things when you're older, and you go in a date, you also certain certain things different things. Yeah. Because of the difference. Like I love to dance. I think going date with a guy the has huge problems with his knees, right? Mobile righteous thing. So the same problems, don't go at the same vetting. It's just different things. Yeah. Different issues, but similar process, what else sex house, sex different? Let's take a quick break in talk about sex product. Seriously? Have you looked at with condoms are made out of there, usually meet out of stuff that you would not want in your body. It's time for you to discover Lola like I did. It's a female founded company, offering the line of organic cotton tampons pads and liners. 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We did have a conversation about safer sex when he started to get more serious. Yes, yes. I mean that came to my house Amandus, one telling you about safer sex. All right. Married for forty years, right? Some the comes to my house in Dayton disguise, this getting more and more series in, we're starting to talk. I think you know, we're going to go to bed love level. In the end the goes. I mean, the consumer house one day she has like lube, condoms and. What do you know about condoms? What are you know about nothing? Nothing has shamans before. Air husband were you with anyone else twenty girls when this nine dating was the fix things we were from? Ever use condoms before. Never never ever, how it was kind of nerve wrecking the first time. Honestly, because it was noodle, yet left with this man. Did he have condoms, he brought Condie rock by his mind? And we had a talk about us tease talking with him about testing, and all of that stuff. I just wanted to make sure that you are safe because I knew that the environment had changed since their last and situation. I have Condon's with me. You're ready. I'm ready. I'm. Afterward. Amanda told me my better be good to try the Lola's. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You one thing that is super cool. Amanda told me that after dated this guy with broke up knowing win on a trip. Take your condoms, when you because it's good for you to have the contest, but also give you confidence. I didn't sleep with a body when on this pretty filled good that I was armored, I was prepared. Long death was thinking important thing to notice that Anez gets approach Mun and allot. What's one thing in this that you would say that baffles you about modern dating that you are very surprised about ghosting was something that really shocked me anything else that come to mind like that? You know, flipping on your bones, or somebody now, that's like, you know, at that time, there was not even you know, a cell phones. Right. So that was another thing, that's totally French. What about all the game playing or trying to read each other's minds like waiting by your phone waiting for somebody, detects you back? Is that pretty common or is that just just way, too, for your cell, your telephone terrain? Your land line. Absolutely. It's no not. Even your telephone to ring because when I was a kid in Brazil, I did not have telephone the first time that TV was bonding my house, I was fifteen years old. So what would you wait for them to show up on your doorstep? Well, understand little little notes in school. Yeah. And I take daily go round notion was probably not as big not as big but happen. And because there was no talk between parents and children about sex, and then time, right? There were a lot of girls that were pregnant a while. We doubt, knowing anything about it. There was no conversations about right? There was no sexual education. Let's put it this way in schools, or in United dateable park, there was no or them. Like, what acrobat listen to how? Learn. Amanda, what about you? What is something that you learned about Anez? And the way she dates that really surprises you. I think the way that as approaches the world is very refreshing in different than most of my peers, so in as is really open an active to the world. So we're on the bus together in as making I contact with people, what's on the but on the boss how you get FD. Knowing that it's like, you know, you're not on your phone. You don't have ear buds in, you're making eye contact with people you're making sock. There's a lot of informal small connections that I think add up to a bigger sense of happiness, and connectedness with other people simply by being present with the world. And I think for me that's been a big example of another way, I can choose to live, my life of not really hiding in my own little micro sphere with my phone, but really being open to the world and open to connecting strangers because there's a lot of simple joy that I was with connecting strangers. So he knows what like compliments on their shoes or you guys were talking to each other. I heard you saying that and they start talking to them. And then, you know, we become friends, we have Cup of coffee together. You know, this is so much fear with approaching strangers because on one hand you have to go and make that initiative. The other hand the other person has to be receptive and. I think we live in a world where sometimes we may not even be receptive because it comes out of nowhere. You're not just age. Yes. So how'd you get over the fear? I think sometimes when you talk when I talked to somebody, and I say something, they are just like, well, first of all, sometimes they have their yeah. That's what I do. Yeah. In then, you know, and then I say something in, in their son of surprise. But at the same time is almost like they like it, you know, how, how come person notice this asking me this, you know, it does doesn't necessarily to be a guy sometimes not the girl or something, you know in. I think it's like amend said is kind of refreshing for some people that somebody actually that I do not know reach out in sing something. Nice to me. Not just complimenting on something just asking something, you know, I noticed I, I don't have any tattoos and I would never put a tool myself, but I am fascinated. We took. Choose the kids in. I noticed that when I see a kid with two in I reach and I go, oh my God. I love your tattoos. Call a sleeve, right? In the old, they explain everything to and I go flex your muscle now. They laugh. Like, it's, it's some it's human connection. Right, so interesting. I like my mom always says it's Macy's like Honey, not your neighbors. Honey, does not way apple. And yet there is like different generations. I think a lot of it's our phone in, like lack of it. But it's like I think right now our generation so like all or nothing. It's like if I talked to someone out it's like I'm trying to hit on them, or like, do something where it's just have a conversation that may not go anywhere. Like, but just that joy, like bring the lot. And it just makes you approachable you don't know where Cuco. Yeah. A little bit of phobia, guys have totaling phobia, on my God. Now, I'm going to have to answer. Now. We're gonna have to beat France or oceans gonna come over to my house. He knowing all of that stuff is unnecessary. I think it's not gonna happen in my is not going to have a five minute. Or is this water? Do you like it all you're asking at the same time we crave it online? We gave that online validation about, like in that Schreiber. Yeah that. Yeah, but in real life, we're so frayed of that canal. I think it feels a lot better in real life. More satisfying legally to everybody. It can't beat that. Everybody's so happy, like they look on, on the Instagram be sometimes, you know, the other day, I saw this girl on the bus, you know, she said, she, she had tears in her is a misuse crying. There's anything that I can do her dog had died on my team. Simple dog died. She said my dog died yesterday in like really veteran j just so we talk about her duck down much dog. She told her dog was in everything how she got her dog and all that. You know, and I said, I have to tell you something, don't go and get another dog immediately ate a little bit because otherwise soup stood in one dog for neon. That's not fair. You don't do with people leader news, weather person. That is dear to you. You wait a little bit to substitute. She goes home while she guide I, I was thinking about getting another one way little bit. What are you all are God? Like, that's the advice that you gave. Kinda win out. You know, I heard some people that they'd like five six people in one week outs exhausting. That's a norm to seven to ten. I wouldn't say it's more, but there's definitely people is. Is get confused. Jeez. The spreadsheets is a real. I think the part that I was questioned with that methodology is how do you build a connection with? Anyone anyone you're like so spread thin like barely getting them. So there's that's my traditional side repair. We are straddling that line ride. We have these like traditional thoughts, and we have these, like nontraditional thoughts were just trying to marry those two together live life that we feel most comfortable with, and sometimes we don't actually what we'd want, right? We just try everything which is a great Sigua at loved to talk about some of our takeaways from this whole conversation one. I think we can learn again, having different perspectives in our lives as so so, so interesting. So Julian, I went to south by southwest and there was amazing. Talk about diversity and inclusion, the main takeaway, I got from that was, if you really want to push for more diversity inclusion in your work life. Look at your personal life and look at your network. Who do you surround yourself win or your friends? Who are you close to, if you are just friends with the same people who have similar interests? Yup. Our board with your political stance who just say, yes, yes to everything you say, everything you're learning. That's saying you're just friends with yourself. It's this diversifying perspectives and surrounding yourself with people from different generations from different viewpoints. That's what pushes us forward as humankind. We were so drawn to your friendship because one. One it's the age gap. It's not really the age gap. It's just bring different perspectives NS to me, you are like I used to fantasize about writing the screenplay about an alien coming coming too early. Leaving. From mars. Would you take on human form and have to date? And they are just so new a dating. They've never see everything that will would. Right. I've been everything's certainly close is eighty. Yeah. Yeah. If if someone goes, then they would they would think there was something genuinely well with image show, their door and be like, are is. You, you embody what I think is, like giving this fresh perspective dating. And then Amanda, I feel like you're like an old soul like ideas, you giving us advice is just the most beautiful thing. Whole voice Amy. If she says, something, you know, very quiet and listen, very careful. Yeah. I'll be school. Yeah. Luckily, usually shows you that you can get support and perspectives from people, you may never excelled -ly live. And it just so refreshing to know that United in so many different forms. I think my biggest takeaway is like we always talk about on the show, the only person who controls yourself like shit happens dating all the time you get ghosted. Someone doesn't wanna DT are whatever it may be. But I think the other big thing is like you need friends. Like those are the people that you go to when you're upset, those are the people you go to talk through learn about new things. And I think like whatever the age gap does matter like the fact that you could have those conversations of people that have your best interest in heart is really the support in need to get by day. Ross takes actually roused that one trim have yet to and everything. It's like it's so important very much. So you guys have any other takeaways from just like a whole different. Generations of dating that you guys have encountered, one takeaway, that I have is that age, ultimately isn't as important as we might think it is. So a lot of people presume that he doesn't. I might not have anything to talk about or why refunds what do we have in common? But we have a whole lot in common including things to talk about in our dating relationship live. So people think it has to be this differentiator. But we really haven't found that to be true. That's a really good point to. We've talked to guests to they're very fixated on age like men wanting younger women. And I think so much of it is energy in the has like you like energy. That is probably far exceeding. I enter lead yet. Round is like so much of it comes down to the person. I think that's the end of the day. They just just number, and it really comes on the person the individual again. Yeah. I mean, I will say because I was in a relationship with someone twelve years older than myself, and I've in relationship with three years old on myself, and I did I do find that my boyfriend and I have more commonality in what we're looking for. And where we are in our lives that leads to less friction in our relationship than avid friend who was older. So I think in terms of longer term goals, sometimes it can be helpful. Right. But in terms of friendships back, they were different ages. I think helps us to hell ride back to. Savion just I as I am. So it was our goals, exactly what Jamin Amanda said our goals. Everything was the fame in Mingas. We were the same age same generation saying, expectations of life, same everything when he died, I had to not that I change, but I had to look at things in a different way, I had to find new parameters in life eating in, I think you parameters in life for me were very good because of my personality, some people do not like to find new parameters in day go into them selves. You know, I'm just staying home. I'm not going to the ri-, right. Do not wanna talk to on the people because everybody is so different than I am for me. It was very interesting. I like that. Yup. But I know a lot of people around my age do not like that. They would not be here with you guys in huts very true, what you said, like, like making the most of the situation to living life out of your became when I was a widow of. A sixty two ounce not dad, you know what I mean? Like, you know, are not gonna stay home every night watching TV. That's boring, right? You have to change. You have to while k new brave. You know, the other side of my brain, saving her after she let go of this guy. New break, you know, started dating a new girl. I like his fat, stop the part that I find most relatable also most fascinating in this conversation is we spent so much of our time on this podcast talking about finding the one finding love, but we never talk about what happens after you've found that person than they are gone. Right. And I think you've shed some light into this where maybe you found this personality. You don't need to find this person again. You've been through it. And now you're just at a different point of your life or just looking for fun having time. If someone else's on board with that, then you guys would click very well, but it's also very similar to some my divorce friends who said I had a good enough marriage didn't last forever. But, you know, we gave it our best and now, now looking for marriage again because I've been through it Don it. Right. And for someone like me who've never been married. Who's never been in that situation? I still want it. So I wouldn't be suitable for someone like that. Right. Because I feel I still want that thing. Maybe once I ride it. I don't need it agai. Well to point to the light, no matter what stage you have something thinks can change all, but yeah, like true, the one that met someone right in college. Never actually experienced eating to news in their later life, for whatever reason may actually be thrown back into the dating. I also think I mentioned when we did our conversation that the wing, if you had a happy marriage for forty years in, then you start dating again, in would be very unfair to the new per. Listen to the new date now for you to expect to have the same thing that you had random person that you dated since you were a kid. Right. You know what? I mean is not fair. You cannot built forty years of a lifetime into a new relationship after three months. I'm not like my late husband off. Course is not like your late husband aiding. Aiding in four years, even people that have dated a couple of years, I think about that, like, carrying them. He's like the different. I can't even imagine forty year. In my head that I would never find a NANDA Alan Wilson anybody else that I would find would be another person. Yup. When they become widow await over they do that. She's not like she's not like dishes for Che's non. Live leap will do that. Even when they break up with. Fair just finding a new person. Have you introduced s and your boyfriend? Oh, yeah. Involvement. Yeah. Any other people, I've dated too, so she really has the perspective on the landscape yet? Okay. So I would hear bad off. What she's better off with this one with this? Like, that's your opinion of this of this new boyfriend or new new herb OI, friend yet and the MandA. What is your boyfriend big of a nest? Oh, he loves him. Great. Have a great time together. We've been on double dates together. Yeah, double dated. Yeah. Which is also been fun. But and he really respects values are friendships wants to make sure that I have time to seen as because he knows how important our friendship is in this one of the things that I really like about him. You know, his not jealous of me. He knows we France. Yeah. Sometimes a man that comes over, you know, to spend Sunday, a Sunday with me. He does his own thing. You're not competition. No. I'm not competition. He knows. I love her. He knows. I love him. He knows I loved them as a couple. You know, not competition, just her BFF. Yes. A different relationship to nurture awesome. Yeah. And I think our relationship is able to fluctuate over time because we were both single. We were, you know, we spent a lot of time together, we traveled all over the world together with texted every night, Tino now, you know, win in. Amanda was really cute because once she started dating in start getting. More serious chief told me one time I feel that I'm like not as much when you in not all she was like read real this about it. I said, I said, I knew this was one happens. She goes you get a force in. Did I wouldn't even go to Dexing at night when you have the fabulous men besides? Are you kidding me? I wouldn't be texting. Ditch them completely. Yeah. Exactly, exactly. It's just like everything else in life. It took a new turn Volusia. Yeah. So now it's a good time to go into a rapid fire questions. Normally we have one question the day. And then we have everyone kind of pitch in but today we're gonna do rapid-fire where we have four scenarios. I'm gonna do. Amanda firs any, as Amanda, the Nina's four questions and you have, like ten to fifteen seconds to give your two cents of what you think this person should do. Yeah. Okay. This is a theoretical person. Well, there's roadway ace on real situation. This should be fun. This should be fun. Remember rapid-fire. So for a manned up my girlfriend is just around the same age as my daughter. I love her very much. But I can't get over the looks in the whispers, as we walk down the street. How can I overcome this awkward feeling? I think this person should ask himself, whether he really feels comfortable with the fact that his girlfriend is the same age as the daughter has really does. I think you know, embrace the security, but it sounds like some genuine introspection has to come fabulous. Do you feel like you're on like a pageant? Humanise this question I went on several great dates with the guy. And then he just totally ghosted, no warning. We even may plan to hang out that weekend. He just never texted me back again. What should I do find another guy? Move on. I was like, what two seconds good job. Amanda, my parents have a hard time accepting my boyfriend because he has been divorced twice. I know his intentions are genuine with me, and I love him very much. But I also value my parent's opinion and neither approval. How should I go about doing that? I would be interested in having a conversation with their parents about what are the real concern? So he's been divorced Trist. But are there concerns about commitment are that concerns about time horizon? And really see if you can address specific concerns below that divorce twice label love it. Go beyond the surface. Very. Deep very very title. So I wanna give quick shout outs to why we're here today. What brought us altogether? So Amanda, he knows where speaking at the wing for an organization, called circle, which is all about intergenerational networking, and they put on a lot of events in New York, and that event was her first one San Francisco extremely successful. So glad that we were able to meet their so I just wanna give those two organizations shout out and for anyone interested. You guys are in the new your, your published, you know, like there's stories written about you, too. And how can people find out more about your friendship? You can follow us on Instagram at across ages all one word. And then there's articles that we've written about our friendship on man repel and ages. Lou awesome. Not we Shiro. And you supported her all supportive of her. And yes, we also posted on dateable podcast and then flash videos, Moscow, dateable, podcast dot com. The videos from the circle event on the wings seeking here in as an Amanda give they're talk. They're also here you to her. Talk about avenge. Yes. And this was agreed eve new really? And then you want to see them in person. I think the dynamic of an her set is so great and their outfits in general. You just have to see what they're wearing a lot of Leifer going on showroom the one with the white. I usually can't tell kids you can't tell. But this. Relating Brazil famous ears. So big. Just get her autograph before it gets her head. Before she's the star of your Barsha movie. Do. Practicing. I am from Mars, and I am up. Gosh. Dancing, as royalva lands on earth. Green? No screenplay going. Nobody nobody don't steal that idea know. And I do. Right. Writing proof. Now we got arrow. A year. Feel that nobody still that were my main girl, from from the movie. Okay. So for listeners at home, you've heard all the right ways you cannot with them with a man but you can also connect with us as well. We can always make introductions you can find us at dateable podcasts dot com. And did you know if you go on our website, you can just play the episodes straight from our website. I know some of you are just getting into podcasting. Some of you have been podcasting or listening podcast for a long time. The easiest way to listen to our podcast is just to go on dateable podcast. Calm and you just press the play button, everything's free and everything's laid out for you super simple anymore age talks. Ooh. Yes. Stations about age or ageism ageism as good one too. Yeah. Talk forever. From dating dating a thirty year old dating thirty five year old to dating in your late thirties. I mean just a drop off in what you see it as your options. Ageism good one. Also each gap when it comes to eating are you dating someone much older, or younger than you? We love to hear that story as well the challenges that you have to overcome pretty much any topic related to dating. We want to hear from you have a guest on our show, so reach out to us, and stable, podcast dot com. We're going to wrap this up Jay day. Your action item for this week is to look at the people, you surround yourself with and think about what you can learn from them, the best way to anything in life is to hear diverse perspectives from people who were very different from you peck. That's exactly why we started this podcast. We are surrounded by wisdom and knowledge, especially from people of different generations, upbringings and cultures. Maybe next time you hang out with the people who are very different from you making a point to learn something new from them want to continue the conversation. I tag as an any post with hashtag, stay dateable, then head on over to our website, dateable podcasts dot com there, you'll find all the episodes as well as article videos, and our coaching services with vetted industry experts, you can also find our premium y series where we dissect analyze and offer solutions to some of the most common dating conundrums to connect with us. Find dateable podcasts on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. We're also downloadable on Spotify. I teams. And other podcasts platforms. Your feedback is valuable to us. So don't forget to leave us a review on I tune. And most importantly, remember to stay dateable.