Hot Guy March Madness: Apocalypse Edition (with Matt and Bari)

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

Welcome to earn happy hour. The show where we bitch about all the things we love to hate every single week. I'm your host Matt. Bella Cy. I'm here in my closet recording far away from my producer. Barry FINCO. Hi Hi Matt. Do you got any quick quarantine updates for the kids. They Britain fucking doing construction in my hallway. I it's been driving me absolutely and say why is an essential service? They know we're all home. It's essential to making you go crazy. Yeah I think I said on last week's episode that my one of my door mental me that there's only like twenty people left the building like fuck all of the poor people who stayed anyway how. `Bout You well. I haven't been sleeping well because my anxiety dreams. Basically my brain doesn't turn off at night and the other morning Alex slightly just like ever so lightly suggested that I maybe not sleep in and stick to routine and I had a full blown meltdown like a toddler. I just could not handle that. Very basic very nice suggestion. So yes you know. That's where I'm matt. Okay so have you not been sleeping in. Well no I mean yes just not not too late but I also tweeted about it and people gave some nice tips and I have been using those tips and it's been better. Well we're both doing great. Let's get into today's episode obviously will kick things off with worse things. I where I shout about the worst news of the week and then it's our third annual Hot Guy March madness the NC double a. may have cancelled the real march madness. But that's not gonNA stop us from objective buying as many men as possible. We posted our brackets on twitter. So you can play along with us with your friends at a video conference. Happy hour or with your cat. If you're feeling real desperate whatever you need to do to get your Horn Innis on his. It's Oh it is real so let's get into it let's do it? Let's put hop men into ridiculous areas and star all right worse things first. Let's talk about the worst news the week fast. A man in Paris France decided to be a big fucking show off during quarantine and he took to his balcony to run an entire twenty-six Bil- marathon. Oh my God ghetto life like what? What are you doing with your life? You look like a deranged dog. I don't care if we're stuck inside for a year. I will never run a marathon indoors or outdoors. Frankly I probably wouldn't get to twenty six miles walking endorsed for a year. Yeah I don't even WanNa look at the steps that I've been taking 'cause I assure you of my step totals for the past. Two weeks have been like ten day. This man literally ran back and forth on his twenty. Three foot long balconies his balcony. What is that four fi? Not even? That's not right. I literally wrote Twenty Three Foot Long. Balcony okay yeah so. He has twenty three foot long balcony. Okay so that's like a quarter of a football field almost. Yeah Yeah I made a sports right friends. Wow that's not even true. Good Jesus I'm excited to like listen back to this in a couple years and just hear the mental decline of us in the next couple of weeks. It's not going great anyway. There's the twenty three foot long balcony and he literally ran back and forth for twenty six miles straight and it took him six hours and forty eight minutes and he said it was mostly like a physical and mental challenge but also to extend his support to the entire medical personnel who are doing an exceptional job. I'm sure you know I feel like it's nice to have the gesture but I don't know how showing off is really helping your make. Sure you call the doctor and let them know that you ran a marathon today. Just rub it in their face while they're while they're doing everything they can to keep people alive just be like. Hey you know what I did. I ran twenty six miles. What did you do and I have a balcony? I was so pissed. I don't think people outside of New York City understand that. Like first of all the breakout here is it's much worse than everywhere else. Obviously because there's eight fucking million people living on top of one another because we do everything better yeah. I don't know if you heard but we're actually the best city in the world in rooting for outbreaks and be the fact that we all live in shoebox says and are going insane. Yeah we don't have any outdoor spaces no in the Ba- like people who are posting any any quarantine content where you have more than five hundred square feet or you're you're a maniac. You're literal maniac. If you're able to go I was thinking about how like even even people literally anywhere else you people with cars. You do have outdoor threes. I know I do. I do your. I won't in in less than a week. I will be living in a new apartment and I will not have any outdoor space. All right. Well you can join the resistance then but until then you are my enemy okay. Anyway this man said that his girlfriend was there giving him drinks and Eminem which I thought was a nice fact. I just need me a man to give me some Eminem's you know I'd run like a little bit from an ems. I guess so. My family has also taken the stabs are just like so slow and Lake Unintentional but they still. They still sink deep. My aunt was texting me and she was like. I just wish you had someone there with you. It was like okay. We don't need to be like that like literally out of the blue. It's like okay. Well why are you like putting depression onto me also like okay then find me a man do something about it next? Customers cheered at a Walmart in Missouri. After a woman gave birth to a baby girl in the stores toilet paper aisle she was just trying to hoard her toilet paper. I see right through this. Yeah if you're having a showdown with another customer in the toilet paper I'll have a baby. What are they gonNA do deny your baby toilet paper? We're we're also like a week away from that happening. It literally took all of forty eight hours for the like public discourse in this country to go to like wh wh what if it's a good thing that people die so Yeah I wouldn't put it past people that'll be like fuck your baby my toilet paper now bitch but anyway. This lady was shopping at Walmart then. She told employees that her water broke. Then I guess you just laid down while a Labor nurse who happened to be in the store at the same time and firefighters who came help the woman deliver her baby and just forty five minutes. Damn amazing speedy. That's a drive through delivery. That is I also love that. This is a slight ad for Walmart. Like look we have all the supplies you need for any situation. I guess It's just my impulse would not be to like be like. Oh Fuck my water just broke. You know what I should do is let a Walmart employee know why I know. I'm just confused at the the sequence of events Sierra and why she didn't call nine one one. I guess it was coming quickly. Maybe also she's just like a great citizen who knows that. The hospitals are filling up quick. I don't need a hospital I can do this. Diy Style you know what I think this woman deserves a little Shiro sheer rats. She routes Shiro and finally another toilet paper news. The Environmental Protection Agency had issue a warning to Americans to stop flushing t shirts down the fucking toilet because apparently the shortage of toilet paper that stemmed from the the outbreak and people shed people are resorting to paper towels baby wipes and at least one case scraps of T. shirts that have started to cause sewage blockages across the country. Fat Birds Everywhere. The EPA said in a tweet toilets are not trash cans. Please remember Napkins paper towels and even so-called flushable wipes can all clog your pipes. Okay flushable wipes. It's called flushable right in the name. So what are you telling me right now advertising? Oh there is but there was a toilet paper company that also put out a thing that was like. Here's what you do if you're out of toilet paper really there's no perfect solution But you should never flush paper towels or Napkins. Because they don't dissolve quickly and water and can likely cause your toilet back up and facial. Tissue is another bad idea but in the absence of toilet paper you can use it in small amounts if you flush frequently so there you go you know what I say is use your hand. You better not no I think I saw one of the items that was selling out very quickly on. The Internet. Were adjustable dumbbells. Were a big one for all of us. Jim freaks but also like makeshift days. Which Day houses? Yeah I really want one but I only want one. If we're going all the way like the main reason to get married is to have a wedding registry and put like a fancy aspe- day on there. I want different heated cycles. I want a dryer like I want it all. I guess I wish that for you. Have you ever used one like a nice one know? It's fucking amazing. I've actually never cleaned my. Oh cute my ass is like a cast iron skillet okay. It's just seasoning upon seasoning and on that now that's it for this week's worth things I next. We are diving deep into hot guy. Much madness dive deep deep deep deep. Taty tidy tidy tidy. Alright so it is time for the third annual unhappy our hot Guy March madness it is our practice to take the time honored tradition of NCWA's march madness and to make it even Gayer and better by objective. Buying some men steady two men to be exact so we have thirty two. Men's I have pulled up a list. This personal taste. I scoured my personal taste but also people's sexiest man alive issues. Now I in the past gotten people who complain about like. Oh You keep believing you put this number one seeded person against this. I don't know what the fuck that means. Okay I don't know what a seed is the only thing the only seeds they're involved in this or the seeds that I want each of these men to put inside of me. Okay there's no I seed or thirty second seed. We don't understand what that means here. We have thirty two men but I've randomized with very special program called list randomize her that I google and I plugged them into this bracket and then we're going to go pair by pair. Put them against one another maker way down this bracket now as we've done in the past these aren't just you know your regular old matchups. We WanNa make sure that we are putting rigorous testing to decide who advances in each round sell for this year's March madness given the context of the world. This is hot guy. March madness apocalypse addition. Each round will have an apocalypse specific question to help us decide who should advance until we arrive at our winter. Are we ready to start? Oh I'm ready. Br First Round we have thirty two guys sixteen match ups and the question is the broad question who would make the abetter quarantine partner this is. Who WOULD YOU WANNA BE? Trapped in an enclosed space with for fourteen straight days. At least are we ready ready. Okay First Dwayne the Rock Johnson verses. Antony Parral ski from Queer Eye is is too easy is it? I know what you're GONNA say. Obviously Antony Oh. I was not expecting that what I do. It's way in the Rock Johnson as a quarantine partner. What could he do for me? Besides fuck me I guess but he just he would take up so much room. Antony would be making me food. He be serving the all the AVOCADOS. That's the only thing I know about. Antony he so cute I you know a quarantine partner. It's not just about the sex. You know no this is about. Who would you want to be like emotionally trapped with for for at least fourteen days? You make a great point not to be Yeah this could be misinterpreted but Dwayne the Rock Johnson. Like size matters in this case. You right if we're in our small New York apartments. He wouldn't even fit. No this man has too many muscles. He's too tall worked out. He would. He requires way too many sheets for the amount of bed that I have. My weighted blanket can barely contain me. It would probably be nice for him to like help me work out while I'm in quarantine. Antony would not be able to do that. Yeah yes much better I I will say The Rock does have much better eyebrow action. But you know that's not really not really at play here. I'm talking myself out of it now but also like the rock seems very entertaining and would probably be like really fun to watch movies with and like as far as is eyebrows. Go like he's very expressive. And I feel like he would actually be pretty fun to have around. I mean yeah. We're not saying like we have to kill the Rock. I will say Anthony has been doing what he's calling core. I which is a horrible pun. You can't really just take the first four letters of quarantine and slam that into another word but it is very delightful and he is very good at talking to a camera and it does make me want to watch him. Just eat food so I would happily do that. I saw Antony Antony it is next Henry cavill versus Jason Momoa are reigning two thousand Nineteen Hot Guy March madness champion Jason Momoa versus Henry Cavill. This is a superhero showdown aquaman versus Superman. I don't know I'm more Jason. Momoa HERE HENRY. Cavill super hot in his face is insane but he just also. I do love his dog though. He's got a great dog but I feel like he would probably pay more attention to the dog than he would me and I feel like Jason would really really give me a lot of attention during a time where I absolutely need it all right. I don't know if I agree on this one. I think to me this comes down to a question of Do I want to deal with more body hair or had hair What do I wanNA clean from the drain? When I'm on all fours okay but you what if what if Jason Shaved for you? Then they'd be more so in the drain. Never Mind I just would rather I don't know I don't really love a man with long hair personally? That's fair that's not necessarily the thing. I love about Jason Momoa. I'm just saying if I have to look at someone's hair for fourteen days straight. I don't want it to be a a long Shaggy Mane. Yeah I would much rather look at Henry cavill. Beefy Harry PECs then. I would Jason Momoa was smooth aquaman. Pex You know I'll give it to you. Also because I really do love Henry. Dog All right. So Henrietta is next. We got Dan Levy from Shits Creek and Kumail nanjiani newly beefed up Kumail. That's a tough one. That is a tough lineup. I mean Kumhal has a new podcast right now with his wife Where they're like giving tips on it because she is immunosuppressant and like has been quarantined before in her life. So I feel like he's he's like made for it in a way he's experienced but then it's Dan fucking them through I. Do I feel like I am disrespecting Dan? Levy in this case and this is like a you you know you pass on Dwayne the Rock Johnson. He'll be fine. The ROCK IS GONNA get over my passing him but I feel like it's like personal slap in the face to pass over Dan Levy but that being said I do feel like Komo. He has the he's got the whole pack really. Does also we can still watch Shits Creek. Let's just twist the knife even further by watching Dan. Levy with Kumail. I feel like we have so sorry Dan. We love you next Chris Evans versus Henry. Golding Chris Evans Captain America Out. Go Out of grid sweater action and knives out from Chris Evans. Henry Golding obviously Crazy Rich Asians He was in a simple favor. Is the very strapping husband in a simple favor. Last Christmas with Amelia Clarke. Deniro's I duNNo. Chris Evans says a gay brother Scott Evans who Are there like quarantining together? And I feel like they're specifically making content that is targeted at the gays. They know exactly what they're doing. He's milking that for everything. It is and Scott posted a video of Chris. Shaving his head. What I'm saying here is that a gay man trusted Chris Evans to cut his hair. And that's that's well for being quarantined together. I haven't seen Henry Golden Shave everybody's hair. This one's just unfair. Because I I really love Chris Evans so much and I I mean Henry. Golden is beautiful and I would like to look at him all the time. But I just know so much about Chris Evans and like WanNa just hang out with him anyway. Yeah no disrespect to Henry Golding. But I feel like it's got to go to Chris Evans. Sorry Henry all right next Michael Jordan versus Joe Manganiello whose name I still don't know how to pronounce. Even though two years ago. He won the first-ever Hawkeye March madness. And that's fine. I don't have to learn it because he's had enough that it doesn't matter So Michael B Jordan versus Joe Joe. Am So I feel like a big part of the quarantine partner is that it's just someone you'd want to hang out with a lot and I feel like I'd rather hang out with Michael Jordan also. He's unbelievably beautiful. Bright right or you get like personality but also something great. Yeah and like I feel like he beat. He can be goofy at times but also like he's probably a really good listener. I feel like I could really talk to him right so. I think that I'm going Michael B Jordan this round even though Joe was a reigning champion. Yeah and I feel like in years past the questions or at least the questions that got Joe towards a championship. Where all like okay. He's obviously a very strapping. Like strong can can break a tree trunk in half type of scary and I don't know if I wanNA spend a quarantine with that. Yeah all right next very difficult. Line up Chris Hemsworth versus Harry Styles. Ooh Now in the past people have been really skeptical about the fact that Harry hasn't made it very far but I feel like in an apocalypse. Harry's actually GonNa do pretty well especially quarantine partnering. I think I'd want Harry next to me. You know yeah I mean obviously I agree. I feel this. This situation is geared early March towards a Harris styles advancement. You know Chris Hemsworth. It sure he's got bigger muscles than Harry does. I'll give him that but I don't know Harry's got a bigger smile. Yeah yeah take that. Chris shows your goddamn him teeth for change. Yeah I feel like if I'm trapped with someone I I wanted to be Harry styles over. Almost anybody else agreed. We're given the wind. H Next Adam driver versus John Show. I feel like I have not gotten past version of address. No that's so unfair. I how I know. It's unfair but he definitely had like a renaissance this year. And you know I don't know why I Guess Star Wars. I mean star marriage story. Was He high marriage story did meter scream at Scarlett Johansson for too long. I guess I mean I am deeply like to my core attracted to Adam driver but once again in a quarantine situation. I don't know if I want his energy around. No just we like all I'd be able to see is girls out and driver unlike just like creepy masturbating for John Show. I feel like he be like sweet and just nice to be around. He'd be like cuddly. Feel he'd also maybe give me my space sometimes and he's also really really handsome. Yeah just a good respectful boy who could take us to white castle if we really had to drive of course. Obviously yeah. Maxed Idris Elba Versus Pedro Pascal. Well each has corona virus so Yossi sitting on Godspeed. Is that an immediate disqualification. Well I mean I guess in some ways it's like. Oh well maybe then you get it and become more immune. Maybe it's actually strategically better to be with. Idris right now than it would be to be with Pedro. That's true. I mean if we're getting we're getting really technical about it. Interest will have a PODCAST A. Yeah but I don't think ever be able to look at him the same way since he's stripping cats so that's true. He took off a robe in cats to reveal a naked body. That is so haunting. It is difficult to see his face without being taken. Back to a nightmare. Spot and is that the energy you want during a pandemic that we haven't even said anything about Pedro debating baiting the element and I think pager wins by default but also by his bone structure. Yeah grey bone structure. Great Voice I want to hear him. Like I would want Pedro as a quarantine partner just so he could read me like the velveteen wrap. It took a little while I love that. Yeah and he like almost beat the mountain during that episode of Game of thrones. Yeah Hell fight for you. And if it wasn't for like a last minute avenge Meyer. My Dad's sister or whatever he was doing he almost beat that very large man. So you know what I'm saying is he can handle a lot of me. Do next. Penn Badgley versus Winston Duke. Winston Duke is from Black Panther. Us Pen Badgley from you. This is you versus us. Wow you've versus us. What around I mean I have seen some people point out. That pen Badgley knew how to take care of someone in any Any indication he knows how to take care of someone who is trapped in a basement in a glass case. I do feel like he'd get like Kinky in a way that could really keep things fun but also he scares me sometimes yeah. His face is so sharp that I feel like it would like her to make out with him. His nose is pointy. That is obviously incredibly sexually appealing. But also I'm like I feel like you might like break the skin whereas Winston Duke. I feel like as a combination of like a teddy bear and a porcelain doll in a really beautiful way what what horrifying combination but like one one. That's haunted one that I would want to spend a lot of time with. Yeah let's do it. Sorry pen he'll be fine. He's got one of the Kirk Sisters next John Legend versus Daniel. Day Cam ooh annual day CAM also Confirmed Corona virus but he announced that he had virus and still manage to look like absolutely flawless and his video like front facing phone video announcing that you have like reburied terrible flu and you still look great and your skin is amazing. Pretty Impressive John. Legend is the reigning sexiest. Man Alive he's sexiest man alive. He could sing you to sleep. He could sing to you in the morning. I know that he does vocal rest. So he also is very good at like being quiet for a little bit Which I appreciate. He's also he's so cute. I feel like everyone on this list. He's probably like the cutest not. Do you know what I mean like. I don't know I don't think of him as like hot. All right tell on yourself. I think he's very attractive but I don't think of him as like a steamy. Steamy hot man. I think of him as like someone who's like so cute and good-looking. Yeah it is true. I feel like sexy as a weird word to describe John. Lewis and I don't know I guess it depends on your definition of sexy. I mean there's one photo in particular that Chrissy Teigen who I appreciate her like. Absolute flexing of like yeah. I'm buried a fucking John Legend and like I get to have John Legend concert every single day and she posted this photo. It was a couple years ago I think of him I it was like he had gotten out of bed and hughes naked photo of him from behind it was just like okay. I get is the photo says ass and it was amazing. What I'm saying is that drawn. Legends ASS is enough to move him forward. Let's do it next. We got will no sex the youngest contender. I believe an Jason Derulo. I probably should point out that. He's tender but he is legal. How old is all no sex? Let me just confirm he is twenty years old. Okay probably too young for my my personal taste but I just love the glow up. That he's had in the past year absolutely. I love how funny he like. He's so good at twitter and was able to take this moment that he had of having this like Super Viral Song and turn that into like obviously like taking advantage of the moment but enjoying it and like being a hilarious throughout the war thing And then of course we do have another person tainted by the smear of hats even though arguably Jason Derulo is one of the best parts of cow. He really did great and like he just had so much fun. You could just tell like if I were gonNA fuck any one of the cats I would. I would a rebel Wilson. How dare you and then be Jason Derulo? I feel like it's gotta be Jason Derulo. If only because we'll know sucks is twenty years old. Well actually might be too young. I was GONNA say he. He's so good at the Internet that I feel like it'd be really fun to be quarantined with him because he'd probably just be like endlessly entertaining and also his clothes are amazing and I would love to just like play dress up with him but I. I know I see where you're coming from and I'm good with Jason. I do worry about how often Jason Derulo says his own name. But I appreciate Yeah the the smoothness of his voice. What gave it to Jason. All right next Shawn Mendez tweet king versus MMA Luma. Who's probably at least we're most listeners. Beliefs well known but he is a Colombian God just fucking Look Luma and you'll thank me later if you're unaware of him. He has fifty million followers on instagram. So you're not aware you know you're in the minority. I like Shawn Mendez is I I have his face in my brain like very well aware did not know whom a Luma is and from the one photo I saw him. He's GonNa win this one. Yeah I don't I don't even have to know what he's saying for the two weeks we spend together. It won't matter also. Yeah I'll just respect to Sean. I really just can't stand his relationship with Camilla Kobe. Oh I don't typically come on like you know to your fucking vein. I don't W- it's whatever. But you know I just feel like they're shoving their heterosexuality in my face. And I don't like it. So obviously Luma next Oscar Isaac versus tyco. What T- t- Oscar Isaac Star Wars take a Obviously won an Oscar for writing. Joe Joe Rabbit and played Hitler in Joe Rabbit. A shockingly lovely version of Hitler and this one is a really really tough one for me. Personally I think there's maybe no man I am more attracted to than Oscar Isaac. But I really love Tiga. I think I mean I think he's so handsome and like so attractive and also I just. He's so talented in so many ways and like he's funny but he also does like man. Yeah I think this is a case of like there's a moment of Oscar Isaac from Star Wars where he liked kind of bites his lip when he's looking at the other Guy John Boyega and that image plays over my head like almost every second of every day but I do think this is a case of like who would. I actually want to spend nonstop time with for an extended period of time. And I feel like it's he's kind of a whole package maybe for me. Also he's Jewish. We can celebrate Chabad. That's right and he's from New Zealand. That hobby accent take it is. Wow this is really. Like I love Oscar. Isaac so much this is this hurts but I feel pretty confident in our decision next a battle for the teenage girl. Inside of me Zach Daffron versus Timothy Salaman-. Oh this one's easy. Is it for me? It is are you going with Timothy? Yes he's another one where I'm like. It's hard to differentiate him as a person versus a him as a character in little women or call me by your name first of all fucked peach each. You still haven't even seen Commie by your name. Because you're a homophobe. No this really for you is like this is a competition between the stars of your favorite movies are your friends and little women absolutely and based on those two movies obviously going Timothy. Shell I want nothing to do with that confronts character. That's true there really has not been any redeemable Zach Ephron role. No it's gotta be Timothy. He's got it all it's hard. Yeah I think the one the one drag against him is that he strikes mistakes such film school student. Or I'm like Oh that's I do and you know that he just like only ever WanNa watch some criteria like he probably wouldn't watch. We are your friends. Yeah I do think that Catherine has become the type of hot where it's like. I would watch you ride a horse on like a beach at sunset by that is a little difficult to do right now. Yeah we'll say Timothy Timothy say all right two more matchups. Trevor Noah Versus Andrew Scott Aka Hot Priest Aka Andrew. Scott all yeah. He was also in Sherlock way before we before hot priest was I mean high priest priest. Trevor Noah as an individual. He has been filming like quarantine videos from his balcony. Which as we know now a strike against the one percent if he has a balcony in New York City. It's like okay. Deity and Andrew. Scott his fellow Homo. So I feel like I I need to need to stick with it here for the community and finally for our first round Donald Glover versus Hassan Manashe. Where are you falling right now? I'm curious I feel like Kasama. Nausea would be buy go-to gut reaction. Yeah I like Donald Glover a lot. I feel like Assan would be like he'd be able to like tell me what's happening on the news so that I wouldn't have to consume it myself in a way that wouldn't make me panic and I'd be able to make out with his face all the time. You have an amazing face. Yeah he has that balance of like Q. Versus hot but it's very hard to straddle any he straddles it very well and I'd straddle him I will say a shoutout to the weird falsetto voice that Donald Glover does as childish. Gambino red bone is like you know incredibly incredibly satisfying but Sorry to this man. It goes through a son round one round. Two eight mattress. Apps are question is who be the better hunter gatherer? This is who would be the one who's able to strap on their face masks and go to the grocery store and You trust them to come back with everything you need. And if need be in society fully crumbles WHO's GonNa be the one going out hunting for game potentially warding off zombies. This is the the physical round we ready ready. All right. We're we're back to Antony Henry cavill hoof obviously we'd be better at the grocery shopping aspect of it. I feel like he'd really got that on lockdown but then when it comes to like once grocery stores are wiped out and we're going to like the hunting element of it. Henry cavill obviously can use a bow. Arrow. This is Tau Fit. Is this where is on how important that slash between Hunter and gatherer is? Yeah 'cause I would trust Antony well okay. We're doing a lot of heavy lifting in entrusting that anti knows how to make food beyond. Guacamole and I love this book cookbook and I love him so much. I would absolutely watch him. Come back with do like rats. The died on the floor of the empty store and I'm sure he could prepare a delicious meal. That being said the second society crumbles. I don't think he would. He would make fantastic hunter. But maybe gatherer. Though still I feel like can farm cat. Can he grow herbs? Iowa I would trust Antony to grow herbs okay. I don't think Henry could work with the earth. Yeah I also feel like Henry Cavill is. I'm making a whole lot of assumptions here. Also he's British so that automatically does make him smarter right in general but he's also the type of hot ram like. Oh you're probably really dumb where it just feels like. He'd be the type of person where you like. Make a grocery list and then he goes out and gets like all of the wrong things absolutely. You're like okay. Well this is not the brand of toilet paper that we use Henry. Yeah I feel like we gotta give it to Antony and just pray that society doesn't fall. Let's do it. Okay next. Kumail Nanjiani versus Chris Evans. Or you're GONNA get difficult. It is something about the fact that Kamal like just got super ripped makes me feel like he would be able to like see the task of hunting and just absolutely master it young. I would trust him with my life. Yeah and Chris Evans like I think that he definitely could do the grocery shopping and I feel like he'd be really good in a garden but I don't know something about Kamala just is speaking to me in this. One ya-ya agree. I think Chris Evans is obviously very attractive. Obviously he can wear a chunky sweater. He does have like what strikes me as like magazine. Hots Or you're just like okay. You look gray in a spread. Do I trust you go grocery shopping? Do I trust you to handle the self-checkout machine at CBS? No let's face it absolutely not. Hey who malls like we got a we got a winner here next Michael Jordan versus Harry styles. Ooh That's tough that is have I don't want to appear biased. Even clearly uncompromised okay. Let's talk it through. Let's talk through in this case. British does make you smarter. Sarah go keeping with the theme and the facts. I feel like Harry styles would be the type of person to like. Put his life at risk to give you a pint of ice cream peak hours at the grocery store. You're like I fucking near the Cherry Garcia. Right Now ben and Jerry's if I don't get it within the next fifteen minutes I will set this house on fire and then he would go out despite your drama put himself at risk exposing himself to other people in order to get you that. Ice Cream. That's all fair and I I really he does that for you one day and I feel like you'd be like I want a pint and he'd come back with Laker Dallin. Yeah Yeah Michael. Jordan seems very practical. I think he'd probably like really try to make you eat a lot of salad in a way that I would not appreciate true true. I think he probably would be better at hunting. But I feel like Harry styles. I could see him fishing. Assure just a nice gentle fishing experience. I also think that like yeah you send you a a man out to get groceries and Harry would be the type to sneak in a couple of packages of like Oreos which like you need in this scenario rate and Michael Jordan. No we have to only eat salad. Exactly Harriet as we talked through. We arrived at the logical answer next John. Show versus Pedro. Pascal I mean my instinct is Pedro. Yeah I mean we saw him fight he can definitely hunt and I feel like he'd be great with a grocery shop. I honestly I just WANNA see him. Hold a little basket. I was thinking the same exact thing like how would he looked just like walking the aisles of like Empty Grocery Store John Show. I no disrespect. I just feel like He. He wear like a Cardigan in a way that would upset me very applicable to this category. I it just feels like an insistence on wearing a Cardigan to the point. Where it's like okay you are. Your chest is vulnerable. You're exposed but it's like oh no we need to act like we're going to a library. Chill John Okay. Next Winston Duke versus John Legend. John Legend definitely can grocery shop. He's married to Chrissy Teigen. He clearly has gone grocery shopping. Before I feel like if you're married to Chrissy you probably know your way around a store To get a lot of ingredients considering how often that she's tweeted like I need a random person to bring me bananas right now more than once I have to say. I don't know how good John Legend actually is. At Grocery shopping. She has to resort to just asking to be on the Internet to bring her bananas. That's also when it comes to the hunting aspect of this. I think Winston would be better if this outfit and I want this to be the sole reason that he's saying says every round babe he really he really has the look. Winston sounds like sounds like he's moving forward. Let's do it all right next. Jason Derulo versus MMA Luma again. Really the only thing I know about me is that he is the hottest personalized right. Now what I want to see him in a grocery store yes what? I wanted to see him. Just absolutely murder animal for my food. Yes like this is the case. Where I'm like you stay here. I'll go get the groceries like fame a better hunter gatherer for he would have put that instinct in me and there is something about Jason. Derulo that I absolutely would not trust with a grocery list or hunting. Or I'm like okay. Let's I just feel like Hugh Hewitt have a very short attention span. You're talking about him that like I feel like he'd like walked past a playground on the way to the grocery store. And then just start doing monkey bars. Okay then I lose lose the Grocery List. It would fall out of his pockets while he's just like doing acrobats. Yeah all right Ma-ma Malone it is a man I do not know next. Tyco T. T. an timothy shallow. May I love Timothy? I feel like he'd only be able to like go. And like comeback with Brie and grapes. And and like who'd reborn all Timothy knows is charcuterie boards whereas Taika I mean he I think he could shop and I think he could hunt and I'm saying this only because I assume everyone in New Zealand knows how to hunt. Yeah I agree and I do think. Yeah Timmy Timmy. I'll call him now. Does seem like like you would send him to trader Joe's to get wine and he wouldn't understand that means to buck truck right like I feel like he insists on only drinking good wine. And it's like we're all dying what you understand about this. Just get whatever the fuck. Is there all right? High cut is it's like with each passing round. I just love him more and finally for this round Andrus God versus Assam Knowledge We got the British smart thing again. Andrew Yeah I do feel like I just trust. Asama nausea more. Yeah what is it about him? It's just happen. Very soothing voice explanatory. It's like sitting you down telling you that he's getting a divorce and then it's not your fault. But before he goes he ordered you groceries. Yeah he'd still take care of you. You know that he'd always pay child support. Yeah he would like even if he abandoned you he would leave money so that you could go to the grocery store yourself. So in the scenario Andrew Scott sounds like you should win because he's staying by ball. He's the one who's still there. But even in that case like Hassan would go and like hunt and then find a way to freeze that. Meet and send it to you too. Yeah I I agree. I give it to him all right all right next round. Best cuddle partner responding a lot of times indoors. We're talking about who? Who are we wanting to specifically be stuck on a couch with stuck in bad way? Yeah who we cuddling up against Antony versus Kumo. Actually they both be pretty good cutler's but I feel like Antony would like only cuddle when he wants to cuddle okay. Yeah like he'd want to cuddle but you wouldn't be able to like mess up his hair right and like if you really wanted just like just like a quick spoon. And he wasn't in the mood or wasn't in the room he wouldn't come all the way back into the room. Getting better and spoon you for a minute. I say this because I did recently. Ask Alex to do that because I just needed to be held and he absolutely came back to the room and came back in bed. I mean I believe that he entity would do that. But Y- I think okay of the two Komal definitely feels like a because he has that experience of being like a Wimpy nerd. I'm definitely just protecting that. This is pre ripped Kamau right. He's built he's humbled right right. I mean I'm almost like is he to ripped now that it would be so muscley. Yeah but it would be like. I don't know wrestling a barrel of snakes. Oh my God truly my nightmare. But I don't think so. I think unfortunately we're GONNA have to smother Antony with a pillow and give it to canal are right next. Harry styles were says Pedro Pascal. Who would be the better cutler? I'm glad you said it so enthusiastically I yeah. I mean I think Pedro would be a great cutler but Harry styles he just wrap you in his arms also. We've both hugged him. Great hugger smells very good and I like he would like acquiesce to whatever big spoon versus little spoon situation. You Best Desire. Yeah Yeah. He's versatile that's what I'm saying not not applying any other context to that. Ah AH NOT VERSATILE YEAH. I feel like it absolutely like Shamin. He has the texture of like a blanket from childhood. You have never washed. You may blinky. Who's on my bed right now. Exactly and yes I said. Who and not that on my bed like it has been seasoned over the years. It is the perfect level of softness Yeah even if it's slightly grungy sometimes it is still like your grind genus. That is Harry all right Next Winston do versus MMA luma back to my teddy bear porcelain doll situation. I feel like Winston would be a better cutler. Yeah probably sadly for me Even though I would absolutely love to colo him also because it's like hard tootsie someone's face while you're cuddling depending on your cuddle position. So what's the point? I would want to cuddle Winston Oromo. Luma stands in the corner and I think that is the exact scenario we will go with and finally for this round. Taika Watt. Tt Verses Hon Manashe. Hassan has come a long way. But I think Taika is is going to be a better cutler. He just seems more snugly. I've I feel like yeah. Hassan Manashe He has that lake. Cute nerdy energy Of a you know. It's that like Kenan Highschool that you had a crush on. Who's like nerd? I might just describing myself but that you're like I would. You'd be very awkward. But you said it. I'd say I'm saying and then yeah especially considering. I proceeded that with absolute just projecting. Yeah I would say Tyco all right. Our Final Four Round. Who is most likely to jump in front of a coughing person to protect you thereby sacrificing himself our first matchup. Kumail Nanjiani versus Harry Styles. Man who may feel like in this new body wouldn't want to give it up so quick. Okay he wouldn't want to sacrifice himself at this point in his life. Yeah I do feel like Harry would would jump in front of a train that level of Moody. Yeah he yeah I mean have. You listened to fine line. He'd put it all out there for you. Yeah clearly. He understands the painful loss of heartbreak. And I think he wouldn't be able to stand losing me so he would jump in front of someone coughing to be like no take me instead. I couldn't bear to live with pain not again. I think we have our answer Harry styles. This is probably why we need a third person. Just as the over corrector against the Harry styles contingent. Whatever we're giving the people what they want and we're giving ourselves what we want. Yeah all right. The other matchup is Winston Duke versus Taika Wtih. I feel like tyco again. I feel like it's just a gut reaction again. I feel like he would really just put himself out there to protect me and Winston I I feel like we don't know each other well enough. And that he'd hesitate. I don't think TYCO would hesitate. You know right. I think he would just do a second nature. Unquestioningly doesn't even matter. If it wasn't a real cough he would jump at the drop of a dime to save you. We'll give it to him. This is a very interesting last matchup job that means we have our final two Harry styles versus Tyco not all right for our final match up our question for Harry versus Taika is who would be more likely to shoot you in the face and put you out of your misery. Should things get that desperate and we're thinking Zombie apocalypse at this point yet doesn't this is not specific to the current pandemic this Zombie Apocalypse? The world is ending Zombies are closing in on your enclosure. You've been betting which one is was more likely to to swallow it and say goodbye. Even though I already said the reason that Harry advanced last round was that he couldn't deal with the. Yeah and I think that's really working against him here and I feel like in the same way that tyco would jump in front of someone for a cough. He would also jump on that trigger and just end it for you and also like I think he'd be okay I think he'd he'd make it through. I can't end this way. We're so close is that is that how it's ending. Well what do you think you can talk yourself back all right? Let's talk this out. Though in the previous situation it was someone is coughing. Neither of you are infected. He jumps in front of the person to protect you. So it's like if one of you has to die. He would take the bullet right in this case. You are the one who is dying. And it's a question of who has more empathy like right has who has the stomach to be like. I don't WanNa see you suffer. It's getting too okay. Look the point is. He's a riot a fine line level album about this no matter what 'cause. I'm on my way out whether or not there's an audience to hear it exactly in which case I would actually argue that I would prefer he be the one to kill me because it would inspire art right. What inspired that that masterpiece that would come from that in a way that it's like I'm sure tyco would write an amazing movie about it but I would rather an album written about me than a movie. Yeah especially if I didn't have control over. Who is playing the in the movie and like knowing Taika he probably would choose to play you himself. Yeah and honestly that is by ideal situation of in terms of someone. Writing an album about me is like inspire someone to be so heartbroken that they write an album about me but because it's the apocalypse and everybody else's also dying no buddy else will be able to put themselves into my shoes and make it about them right so it'd be exclusively about me and for me. I like this started as who would shoot you an end with. Who would make better art about you once murder me and then make our about me. That's all I want. And it seems like Harry. Styles is the man to do that. I think we talked ourselves back into it. And that is the winter of Twenty Twenty Hot Guy March Madness Harris styles if finally happened annual championships and Harry styles unsurprisingly. But listen it we did it the proper way and I only put my finger on the scales a little bit a little bit and say this really has just made me love. Taika and I feel like I'm just GonNa go watch one of his movies. Now Yeah Harry styles you will have to come on the podcast to collect your prize but thank you so much for listening. And that's it for the twenty twenty apocalypse addition of Hawkeye March Madness We tweeted out the bracket that we used. You can go onto unhappy. Our pod on twitter take a look at the bracket. Fill it out yourself Maybe you'll come to a different conclusion than we did. But if if you did I'll shoot you face and let us know. Thanks for playing. Oh all right. We're almost there. We're almost at the end of the show. But first our chasers chasers are the good stuff that helps other bad stuff. Go down easier starting with the TV. We've been watching this week. Berry what you've been watching. Somehow I have had less time to watch TV. I know it isn't doing understand. I think it's because we were like cooking these kind of elaborate meals that take a long time to make so. I'm like working during the day. And then it just takes me so long to eat but but really the answer is we've been re watching the X. Files and just like going back to old episodes we haven't seen and watching like the monster episodes because it's been like Kinda hard to get into something new right now. I tried to get into peaky. Blinders my dad. Who will listen to this? And we'll get upset with me is obsessed with it and I watched three episodes and I was very bored. So yeah just been watching old x files episodes and really loving it nice. Have you seen peaky blinders I think I started it like a long time ago and never really committed to it. But I heard it's fine. Yep My dad loves it and I love my dad so he gave it. We gave it a shot. That's what counts. What are you watching this week? All right I have finished it yet. I'm sure I will have finished by the time this comes out. But yesterday I started tiger king on Net flicks. Have you heard of it? Yes I have heard of it. I Alexander definitely going to watch it. That is the next thing we're going to watch It's been like all over the Internet. Everybody's talking about it. It is one of the most insane things I've ever watched a documentary series about a guy who calls himself. Joe Exotic AK The tiger king. He runs like a private zoo. I guess you would call it. He's like a breeder of big cats like tigers. Lions all be above and he has he's also like the most eccentric person that you could possibly imagine like here. He is like a gay gun-toting bullet where like he has. This whole like catchphrase thing. Like if you ask a kid to draw like the most insane person could imagine it would draw Joe Exotic amazing in this story kind of centers around his rivalry with this woman named Carol Baskin. Who runs a big cat? Rescue Grio out of Florida and she is like an animal rights person who thinks that Joe and his private zoo are like absolutely horrible and that they take advantage of the animals and that they're abusing them and their rivalry is incredibly extreme. And I don't want to give anything away but it is truly like just when you think you've seen the most wild thing you could possibly imagine. And that's like five minutes into the first episode issues like every five minutes it craziness just doubles it's exponential craziness. I would highly recommend it as like completely bonkers experience. Every single person is so insane the weirdest person ever and it's truly just like absolutely wild. It feels like if a if a worse things verse story were an entire documentary series incredible. That's the highest praise and the best way to get people who listen to this podcast to watch that show good anyway. So that's what I've been watching. What is your non. Tv Tracer? My Non Chaser is Yoga with Adrian. It's a youtube channel by this woman. Who usually has her dog in it just lying in the background? But they're just yoga videos and I I love doing yoga and I haven't been doing it for a bit. And that's been like the best way for me to be active every day and she has short videos and long videos. I just really like her videos and I really liked the way. She teaches yoga. And she has a Lotta like short one. She has ones that are specifically for taking a break in the middle of the day. I've just found that. It's very easy to fit her videos into my daily routine right now and the way that I really appreciate and their free so that has really made a difference. Both mentally and physically for me this week. Nice really recommend it. So it's Adrian D. R. I. E. N. N. E. Yoga with Adrian. What about you? What's your chaser? I have two one of which I wasn't able to mention last week. Harry styles in the theme of this week's episode really had his tiny desktop and is very delightful. God I love the tiny desk concert series. And it's just you know it's Harry. It's a tiny desk. He plays a few songs and talks about them. And I love it so joy and then I might have mentioned this during last week's episode but I have been a baking obviously and I made some chocolate chip cookies. It has based on a recipe from bone apetit. All of this is like if you had me until like an algorithm and asked for my chaser this entire thing would me Harry styles thing and then a bone apetit chocolate chip cookie thing but the recipes called Brown butter and toffee chocolate chip. Cookie is they're so good and I highly recommend them and I can't believe I actually managed to pull them off but I did because I'm a master Baker so I highly recommend making these cookies and if not just know that I'm enjoying them a lot and that should bring you joy. Yeah it's really cool that you made all of those and told me about them and I can't have any it is true. I have been normally when I bay. I'll have a few bites of it myself for like you know staff some and then try to give as much of it away as possible. But now I can't so I guess I'm forced e of the myself and I will anyway. Is it for this week's episode. Thank you for listening to unhappy. Our you can head to apple podcast. Spotify stitcher where we get. Podcast hit that. Subscribe Button Rate US and reviews. But only if it's Nice I don't want to hear your Shit Unhappy Hours. They production of Pineapple Street studios. It's produced by Barry Finkel Melissa Slaughter and me map. Lsi special thanks to generalize Berman and Max Linski our music is by Hans Stale Sue. You can bother berry at Pinko Berry Pie. You can worship me up map and you can follow unhappy. Our pod on twitter for all the latest podcast buzz. And that's that's everything. Thank you see you next week. Abai a leave. It's the end View taty quiet putty quiet. It's sorry putty just walked down again. We're almost done Pud. We're wrapping in like three minutes or less.

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