CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FIVE: The Last Will And Testament Of Topical Host Leslie Price
Hello topical listeners. I'm Leslie Price and I have some sad breaking news for you today. If you're listening to this right now it means that I am dead and that my house cleaner Francis who comes in once a month has no doubt discovered my decaying corpse. I know this is unsettling for a lot of you and you might be wondering how I died. Well I am today with one last story but I won last ad from cash APP. The topical is presented by cash APP. The number one finance APP in the APP store. But it's more than just an APP. It's also a friend or maybe more than a friend. No no that would be crazy. We're just friends unless cash APP feels the same way. Don't let passing up. Cash have become the biggest regret of your life download today and get ten dollars when you sign up using Promo Code Topical. We'll folks I am not proud of it but ever since. Opr implemented a strict podcast from home policy. I've admittedly being going a little. Stir crazy over here and despite the citywide shelter in place mandates. I have over the past. Few days sought reprieve outside these four walls that I've been relegated to sometimes for fresh air sometimes to catch a movie or grabbing drinks with some friends but most often just released some of the energy pent up inside me with a little exercise. Those of you who are familiar with kind of Linga Yoga know that it's an intensive spiritual practice of the mind and body and one that I've been practicing for many years on Tuesdays and Thursdays and occasionally Wednesdays and it pains me to say. This week was no exception now for more advanced students such as myself. Malinga also involves the practice of energy exchange by using the abdominal muscles to cough rejuvenating life forces directly into the mouth of your kind of link partner now. I know what you're thinking are relaxing. Yoga class is the absolute last place. You'd think you'd be in danger. Needless to say the email I received from my instructor. Swamy Derek came as quite a shock. Here's what he had to say. Nama Stay Leslie. My physician is informed that I have the disease. That's going around right now. And I think the exceptionally powerful burst of energy. I transferred into your mouth during our last session was also apparently full of negative life preventing vibes. I suggest two hours of intense meditation on your throat. Chakra once again. I apologize and wish you a speedy recovery. Oh and please look over the terms of the liability waiver you signed in my no refund policy. Thank you own Shanty Swami Derek. So listener there. It is nive corona virus the disease I have tried to avoid through isolation for the past four days or so and as I see it. There are only two options. Now I can either wait for my throat to dry up as I struggled to breathe until I inevitably drown in the fluid slowly building up in my lungs or I can die like a man with my head in the oven for me. The choice is clear. I choose to keep my dignity but I I have a few loose ends to tie up. Hello Hey Steve. It's Leslie. Is Debbie There Leslie? You know you're not allowed to call here anymore. It looks. I wouldn't be calling if it weren't important. I got some bad news concerning my health and I just want to tell the mother of my children. Something it'll be quick. I promise hang on Debbie. Is that you yes? You're a terrible fucking person and I hate you. Oh Yeah Bill Great. Oh all right just thirty. Three more failed relationships to get closure on after the Braille. Giving away on my shit stay with me for one last time allom is. There's something interfering with your happiness or preventing you from achieving your goals is it easily. Treatable with an antibiotic and a newfound understanding of modern contraceptive techniques. If so congratulations but for everything else. There's better help better help. Assesses your needs and will match you with your own licensed professional therapist ever since my wife and kids decided to social distance themselves for me. I've been using better help to ease my sense of loneliness and so far it's really helping. But don't take my word for it. Sign up now and start communicating securely and online twenty four hours better help committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches so they make it easy and free to change counselors if needed and with this special offer for topical listeners. You can get ten percent off your first month. And after that first month my family will return to me from upstate. And we'll all be together again and everything will be back to normal and just how it should be. I just know anyway Just go to better help dot com slash topical for ten percent off. That's better help. H. E. L. P. Slash topical. I Leslie Ann. Price being of sound mind do hereby declared this to be my final will and testament to my cousin. Shameless I leave this box of miscellaneous chords. May you have better luck figuring out. What the hell they all go to than I ever did. Do my assistant Jeanie. I leave my fifteen thousand bottles of hand sanitizer. I was left with after Amazon. Banned me for price gouging to my son. Travis I leave to you. My most cherished possession of all my vendetta against the country of Finland. I've already written death threats to several high profile individuals in your name to make the transfer vengeance easier for you and to the OPR merge store. I leave my collection of OPR tote bags available for thirty nine ninety nine each and this blooper reel of the topical Silliest News Blenders. The death toll is reported to be over nine people so far. Sorry did you say nine remmy. Oh my gosh no no. No no not for a minute there. I was like nine. That can't be no sorry a slip of the tongue. That's nine hundred. People are in fact quite yes. You'll be able to laugh along with your old pound Leslie. Long after I've been chopped into pieces and fed to sharks in the ocean as per my final wishes and finally to you. Yes you all of my wonderful listeners out there I'd leave for you the most precious gift of all the final words of your friend and host Leslie Price. If this illness has taught me anything it's that life is too short. Regretfully I wasted most of mine. Dumbing down the news. For a bunch of mouth breathing imbeciles listener. Consider this my dying wish. I beg of you if you survive this pandemic. Do not make the same mistake. Ided don't waste a single moment more of your precious life on podcasting podcasting for God's sake can you imagine a less useful way to spend once finite time on earth? What a fool I was. No do something that's actually fulfilling and do it for people who appreciate you not a bunch of spoiled morons crawling up your ass wining for a new episode every time you try and take a day off if you make it through this listener. Promise me you will throw your microphones into the nearest river and get out into the world. Take the hand of the one you love and go have unrecorded. Conversations and live damage live like no one is listening because in reality. They probably aren't well. That's it for me listeners. Now all that is left to do is turn on the gas. Stick my head under the broiler and say goodbye. That's it for the topical today. I was leslie price and stay Leslie. Swami Derek Sorry Suomi Derek. I'm a little busy at the moment. Leslie I just wanted to apologize and let you know that there has been some confusion. I do not have covert nineteen. Yeah turns out with syphilis. I have syphilis. Oh my God that that means. I don't have it nicely. You probably do because the painful source. I have on my mouth of very contagious. I'm sorry for the Confusion Leslie. I'll let you know when classes start back up. Okay Shanti Shanti Swami Shanty. Oh my God. I don't have the corona virus. It's just civilised it's just syphilis. Oh my God. This is the best I've ever heard. I've got a new lease on life. I am a changed man. Things are going to be now. I'm GONNA live the rest of this life the way it was meant to be lived. I'm finally going to do all the things I've dreamed of doing. I'm going to travel. I'm going to go on cruises. I mean I've never even been to Europe and I'm going Spain France Italy. I want to see them. All at tickets are so cheap folks. This calls for a celebration. The bars and restaurants might be close by Casa Di. Leslie is open for business and I hear. The bartender pours a strong Margarita. Only have five cups though so you'll have to share but that's okay. We're all friends here so cup one couple. Everyone's invited come see me off tonight. Because in the morning I fly to wrote for what is sure to be an adventure up a lifetime folks. I'm Leslie Price and today is the first day of the rest of my life. I love you all.