Kelly Ripa & Mark Consuelos
There's a whole new generation of people who will soon plug in their vehicles as naturally as they charge their phones. They don't judge cars by the revenue engine. But by the hub of progress this generation expects smart clean and safe to also be fun. Easy and powerful and this power comes from altium a revolutionary battery platform from general motors. That can charge fast run long and fit everyone general motors. Everybody in learn more about gm's commitment to an all electric future and gm dot com. Hi i'm phil donahue marlo thomas and we're going on a series of double dates to find out what makes a marriage last. It was a beautiful summer afternoon the day we took a short walk to the home of kelly. Ripa and marquan swallows on manhattan's east side. Having arrived at their four story brownstone. We got to experience firsthand. What countless audiences have seen on the small screen this couple's funny playful and truly affectionate connection to each other. They showed us into a very proper living room. Where we sat across from each other at a table filled with goodies. They look so young. It's hard to believe they're old enough to have been together twenty five years. I've read some bits and pieces about them through the years so i was looking forward to filling in their story. We met when we were really young. What will twenty four. What about you did you have a place. I was living on my own by that point. I had you know. I hadn't had roommates in a couple of years. I was living in my own apartment. And then you. You had a steady job. Yeah i was on a soap opera all my children. That's where i met. mark. I screen tested him. Oh you're in the sweeter. Yeah yeah. I met him the day before the screen test but i had seen his picture before the castle direct. She said. I think i found our guy. She said he's green. He's never done anything. And he's in tampa florida. And i was like you're kidding. And she shows me this picture. And i thought to myself i am dat. I'm dazzle. i am dazzled by this person. And i don't get dazzled a headshot as a head shot. I mean how many headshots have we all seen particularly good head shut either. I was dazzled. Shot you were desk dazzling and so and so. They brought him in a day early because he had never done a screen test before. I had curlers in my hair. I hadn't been in makeup yet. I looked like a disaster pimple. Coming up on recovery is covered. It was it was covered up with like medicine toothpaste or something on the pinfall. And i i walk into the room and there was the headshot you were. You dazzled when you better worse but i don't know i was such. I was such a such go from living in tampa getting off a plane and then your screen testing job. That's going to change your life. I was you know my my head was spinning with. I can't believe this is happening are you. Were you in tampa because your family they lived in tampa and i finished up my last two years of college in tampa at south florida and your dad is spanish. Your mom's italian mexican italian mexican italian and what are you. I'm italian. both of my parents kidding now. My mom is her. My mom's dad was irish. So i think that's where i get. My is great is really thinks he always says that. Italian irish make the best. I don't know why. I say that. I can't prove it now but i agree with you because i think my my parents have. I mean speaking about marriages our between our parents. Our parents have been married over one hundred ten years. Twenty years have been really good marriages. Yeah do you think that's helped worse huge lead to act way your father act to tie. It can't help it. I can't help. But i'm sure i do. That's a great combination nobody dominate. Nobody dominates in certain areas. They would let with youtube one of you do the finances the one to something else marked as mark is really. The financial planner and mark is responsible for every good financial thing. That's ever happened to us. I can't think of anything bad that you've done really. I mean financially really got like that is a thing that i said to him remember. We first met him. I've never met an actor. That's good at math. And he said. I'm a terrible actor around that good actor boat. I can really really good at math. Yeah yeah so. I i do kind of take that part of the rule here and she makes the home every holiday i we would have nothing if it was up to me. It's funny because i think of us has so progressive as a couple. I always think of uh uh slick sort of politically progressive where more aggressive people and yet when it comes to our own family and our marriages and our roles i think of initial very traditional almost old fashioned in our role because he because why because he sort of you know i. He's made it so that. I've never had to like leave home to work. I've been able to raise my kids here in this city in the nest and maintain an he's always been willing to travel and go and go off here and sometimes he's had to go live in another country to work on a set over there and he's he's never like some would say you made the sacrifice no but i mean traveling his heart and like being away from home as hard and all of that is like sometimes he would miss milestones for the kids and i know that was hard for him and he made it so that i could. I didn't have to worry that he make it. Because we were agonizing are who are we. What are we going to be. And this talk show. Opportunity came up and he's like you know. I think i think you should do it. It seemed so out of my depth. And not in my wheelhouse and not what i was used to. And he said you know. I think it will allow you to do two things that you've always wanted to do which was really. I wanted to raise my kids. I didn't want to have them and never get to see them. And the talk show afforded me this opportunity where i would work in the morning early in the morning and then i would have the rest of the day to take them to their activities or be there and watch the ballet recital and do all of those things and so in that way. We're very traditional. You know he made those sacrifices and then and then. I think he wouldn't know how to find. Ballet class would know how to go about signing up for religion like he wouldn't know how to do number hub people's birthdays. She remembers person's birthday in our family and and they are taking care of every single time without fail shoe minds me to make calls call your dad's birthday you have to call you. You're you remind me all that stuff. But tell marlowe and fill the conversation. You were having with me today because going back to what you were saying about learning from your dad. I think maybe like around. Twenty years old and i just moved back home and had a horrible break-up and i was and we talked a lot. We spent a lot of time together driving to soccer practice. He take me you know he spent. We spent a lot of good time together. And i was saying i. This is it. I'm never going to get in a relationship again. I'm never. I don't want to get married. I don't want to have kids. I'm just going to be by myself. And so he said to me listen he was. I know you're going to be successful and not being able to share that with someone is very sad. You want to share it with someone. There's nothing more sad than an older guide by himself. And i didn't believe him i i go. Yeah yeah alright. I'll be by myself. And i walked away and i didn't believe it and then i believed it. All my girlfriends married was a bridesmaid a million times and advocacy and actress. I'm free. I'm going to london. Live for urine do play. When do this do that. You know it just wasn't jimmy. And then i met. Mr blue is zero. You the two of you without each other like jimmy. It's like best. Yeah you really are. Peanut butter jelly. I i remember us having a very funny conversation Because kelly was very independent and live in the city for about five or six years. Before i got there she was on her own and she did her thing and then when i came in i i am a traditional guy like i you know i i feel like there are certain roles i. It's hard to explain exactly what those rows are. But we had a conversation where i said. Hey listen there's really only room for one man in this relationship and it's going to be me. I think we were arguing over where we were going on vacation. It was something really. It was a luxuriant problem to have. And i said to him. I am a woman of this generation. And i've been on my own for a long time like i've i've not and i've not answered to my parents so i'm a i'm a grown woman and so you're gonna have to forgive me if it takes me a minute to keep up with the clock that you're rolling back for my my was about but we laugh about it now. How funny it was great conversation where i will say though is i watched mark with our daughter and the way you raise her to never take to to never take a backseat position to any person that she dates any man that she dates like. It's it's funny. The evolution of you is kind of fascinating when we first got married. I think mark felt like he rushed into it. Maybe he made a mistake and maybe he was regretting it and he took my wedding ring and throw it out the window and and then he turned around and i said i'm still here because i really think he thought in that moment that somehow i would just go and like vanish or evaporate and i was like now and and i think it was like that moment of oh my gosh she is still here and i just did that horrible thing and she still here and she doesn't really seem that rattled right. If i'm getting into your head in the moment big blue it was a big bold move. And i think he was like twenty five years old. That's worry but that but people who are getting married or twenty five years old. Yes you don't do that when you're fifty two exactly and you don't and i think how got i hope we don't but that was the thing like i looked at him and i said you know i get it like i get it. I'm young and married. I'm scared to like i get it. This is forever. I'm i'm with you now. We have to go find that ring us i made any with. That was like that to me is like that's a defining moment. I'm sure and i'm sure there are a lot of people that have. I'm done i'm done. That is outrageous. That is crazy behavior. And i understood where it was coming from. It was coming from a place of terror and genuine fear. And all my god i have to spend the rest of my life with this woman who does not value time. Who is karani late. Let me ask you this What's the biggest challenge you think you've ever faced as a couple because what's important about that is how you combat from it you know. How do we get through trying moments. Your something interesting. I think that one of us remains extremely calm. Is it always the same. Nope nope using depends on the situation. If it's happening to us together are we have got a moment. Like oh my god. One of us stays calm the other one freaks out and we get through it. I'm talking like family. Cancer when his when his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and it was like a scary time for us and it was and then my and my mom got cancer and my dad had heart surgery and our parents were falling like dominos and thank god. They're all fine now. So what did you do. This is so great because this is what everybody goes through right. They're older than us right. Of course right. So how did you help each other. How did you like did you get the news on the phone. And what are the other one. Do you have many years. Something really funny. My mom might were with my mom when she was diagnosed and mark and my mom came home from the doctor. It was at ten thirty in the morning. I had just had my son. Michael who is now twenty two years old. I think i was still a maternity leave. Which is why i was home. And you guys and it was. I think ten ten thirty an ten. am you. They opened a bottle of scotch. We had never like. We kept a bottle of scotch just sort of like in case anybody ever asked. We'd never nobody ever. You know it was in case anybody successful ever came over. We would offer them and they opened a bottle of scotch and they both drank like a glass. Tumbler of scotch. And i'd never seen my mom. Drink was and i was and i was and i was sobbing and i was sobbing and and and i. I called my sister and my sister. Said i can't talk. Dad is dad collapsed. And i'm on my way to the hospital. He needs a bypass surgery. And then the same same same exact day and i said to mark home. I we are cursed. We have to get a priest here. I mean we have to bless we have to. We need holy water. We have to burn candles. Like i just couldn't believe it. I was when my mom was fighting. Cancer kelly she took it. She took her into our home and she lived with us for seven eight months. Yeah well yeah it was a it was a long process. You'd go to the chemo with her. And the radiation with her and bathe her. I owe it to my parents to his mom. I owe it to them to take care of them the way they've taken care of us. I don't wanna screw it up. I don't wanna give them sub sub standard care because they raised us so they raised us in a way that is like my person view but she does it and she does. It mean for his money. Yeah and my dad comes to new york for his heart doctor and she goes with him and sit there and takes notes for him and accompanies him. It's when she's doing. I'm in vancouver working. Oh typically right here. But she does it. She's like i'm going. That's great to be speaker wonderful testament to your folks. Nine mon gave me the best advice. she said. Be good to your mother in law. She said you treat your mother in law the way you would treat me but nicer. We'll have more after a quick break. Let me tell you about my secret weapon for learning new things and getting ahead. It's hard to find the time to sit down to read and learn more. Will you don't have free time. You can't read or work on personal development. 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There is a whole new generation of people who will soon plug in their vehicles as naturally as they charge their phones who will choose to omit optimism not exhaust. They don't judge cars by the revenue engine. But by the home of progress this generation e united not by age but by the desire for smart clean and safe to also be fun easy and powerful and this power comes from altium a revolutionary battery platform from general motors that can charge fast run long and fit everyone which means that when it comes to electric vehicles nobody will be left out. Welcome to a new generation that defies convention and redefines. What power can be the start button to are. All electric future has been pushed. And it's gonna be one hell of a ride. Learn more about gm's commitment to all electric future at gm dot com. Everybody in we're back to our conversation with kelly ripa and mark swallows. They seemed so perfectly. Aligned marlow naturally wanted to know how do they fight. How you fight is something to learn. I mean we we had to learn how to find. I am an immediate thing. I'm a choir goes off right now. He would simmer for a while and then explode a. We didn't was a while for us to be able to align our temperaments to you have to feel safe right. Yeah you have to you to feel safe in the fight. That know that you know i realized that i am fill in marlow. I simmer and then i explode on say i do i. Sometimes i liken it to a kamikaze mission every now and then you got like you know what i'm going to we're gonna fight and i'm going to. Let's see let's go. let's really have a blowout. And i know i'm loose. And because she's always right. And that's great and i know i'm going to have to apologize. Tend to rise above it. You know it's like when when i go. He'll go hi right. I will somehow try to get a shovel to dig myself. I'll try to lower and he's like he's still stays he really. You really have like maintained. Goodness i've always know. I admired about you. It's like not every now and then. I'm gonna blow yeah. Sometimes i'll be amazed at what he's willing to die on. What crafts and i go. That real really. I mean like all fall asleep in the middle of some netflix series. And i know it's not about that flex but the argument has been. I guess it's more of a fill thing. Have been simmering in there quite some time. you know. And he'll say well. I've been waiting to watch this with you. I've been in canada. And i promised you i wouldn't watch it and i've been waiting to watch it now your sleep but i know it's really not about that. It's probably about seven arguments ago. Where i got where i got my way or whatever you know. We've had that argument as well. And i've not done something that wanted to do with phil and you'll fall asleep or he'll not want to go on a promise or whatever and ineffective. Actually i my feelings. Because i had built it up in my mind. This is something we'll go to share together and then it's then i feel like we'll i lost this thing. I thought it was gonna have had ice cream. Sunday didn't get isn't that kind. It would is a is a disappointment of july. Feel were they say. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Just is it's as simple as that he wanted to share it with you. He's been waiting to share with you and your bombed out so they is not quite as much fun as it was kind of. Yeah were you always comfortable sharing feelings with each other. One of you have to teach the other do that interesting. I was just no matter what he told. May i used to have a conversation with myself. No matter what he's about to say don't have any expression on your because if you have an expression he might clam up and he might feel ashamed of whatever he's told you or judge in some way so i would be very mindful to not have any expression. I don't no matter what he said. The expression always you know it was. It was before. I used to get before. I got vo- tonks. It was like before. I don't even know if both talks existed at the time but i mastered the art of having no expression great accommodations. Yeah that's what i call in combination. It's a yeah because you don't want the person to think that there are being judged you want your spouse to feel safe and i know that in you they have a confidant somebody they can trust somebody that's like gonna walk through the fire with them whatever. It is an ps anytime. He told me something what i had built up in my like anytime you would say. I have to tell you something when she gets upset. What my brain wench was so dark and crazy. I would say he's about to tell me that. He's disposed of a body wants but it was always like something. So benign the different twin your marriage and other friends marriages. We have a lot like we have. I have to say my friend group. I have a lot of happily married friends. And i think that that is a great because i think if you don't i think that that can can really spread like the unhappiness and i agree and there are people. There were people in our lives like earlier on in our friendship circles. That would make us unhappy and we would never figure out like quite why we would become unhappy around these people and we realize they were in an unhappy marriage and it was like the stress of feeling their unhappiness would somehow tap into our souls almost because getting into an argument as soon as we would leave their home or leave the dinner table at the restaurant and it's not like us to have a perfectly lovely evening and then fight on the way home and we realized we were like we were wearing their energy. When things aren't going well which happens all the time. How do you reset well you you think about what you did wrong. And then you talk about it and you for it you apologize. Even if you feel like you've done nothing wrong. I think the you owe it to yourself and to your spouse to put yourself in the other person's position and see it from their perspective like if we're at a dinner party homemade comment and maybe is something that embarrassed me. But from his point of view it was just funny and it got laugh or whatever and from my point of view. I'm embarrassed it hurt my feelings right and i think that's something that mark is really good about instead of like getting defensive. He'll say you know. I didn't think that that would hurt your feelings. I'm so sorry. I did not mean to embarrass you or issue to me or i see what you mean like. That's i think that's something that's very kind simple gesture. That's one of the examples of. I finally getting marriage. I think that's a good example of of. Because i didn't used to do that i'd be. I'd get really defensive right. We get really defensive about it. You know. I say everything wrong. Or if i did apologize. I'm sorry if you're upset that. I said that sounds like an idiot. I would think that was smart. Smart thing to say somebody else is one of our. The couple said that. Will anybody says i'm sorry. If that upset you was just solution. I don't mean it all your other doing is saying you know you a pain the ass. You're feeling sides upset. I'm ready but a real. I'm sorry i'm sorry. I said i'm sorry if that upset and anytime you're coming from a place of i'm so selfless. I am sacrificing so much. That is narcissistic thinking. Really have to. Sometimes i'll i'll come up toronto okay. I'm totally looking for some some attention and being completely selfish right now. But i need. I need some alcohol. I'll call myself out and say. I know this is going to sound crazy but i just need you to like humor me for a minute and she does. If you can tell your spouse what you need in the moment it is the most helpful thing because by the way married people or people looking to get married. Nobody's a psychic. Marriage is like a roller coaster. Ride right it really is. And there's these high highs and you're like oh. This is great. The tickling in my stomach feels amazing. And then you and then you like sink down to the depths and you go through things and you're scared we've often said like if we had gotten divorced like so many times over things that at the time seemed like a huge deal we would have missed out on so much life and incredible moments and fun and some of the reasons that we are enjoying like our adult lives now is like when all of our friends were going out and like out on the town and taking impromptu trips to tropical islands we had small babies and toddlers and we were tired and exhausted and we would be sometimes short with each other not really kind to each other and we were not like taking the time for each other and that could have easily frayed our marriage we could have easily turned on each other but instead of we were just fortunate enough and we listen to each other just enough. I used to leave the lid off the toothpaste which drove him crazy. And i realized i was starting to do it deliberately to drive him crazy and then one day i said okay. Are we going to have a nice marriage. We're going to be dramatic all the time. Put the fucking live on. Put the lid on the toothpaste. You said to yourself yeah. Put it on. Kelly rocket science putting the just wasted on. You're you're leaving it off deliver. I was. I remember the moment i had that conversation in my own head where i said. Go back and put that on because it's going to it's going to dictate what kind of day you have. You're going to either have a good day or a bad day by that gesture. Think about some of the things that we've argued about in our life and we're we've like that's it okay divorced. And and he's always like he let he laughs at me whenever. I said that he's like okay. Okay i'll see what the the divorce court so what you're saying is when you go off like go to when you did that. He was the one that was sort of say kamala. Yeah calm town. You're you're the you're the peacemaker. Yeah yeah i think so. It's those things that i find like when we've settled in two are like are happy place where we are now. So many years later decades later. Right i find that the fact that i thomas clean up after myself. I on time for him. I do it for him. But i've also done it for myself now right and he does things that i know. Didn't always come naturally to him but he does it now. Like you figured out that. I love gardenias and they always come. There's never any reason they. They show up once a week. He sends them to me just to let me know that he's thinking of me and i remember the first time you sent them to me. I was. I just thought that i had. I thought he was about to tell me. He had a secret other families. Because i thought oh this love her mind. Well i said these gardenias are so extraordinary. He's going to tell me he's academy child out of wedlock during our marriage. That we didn't touch on is jealousy. I'm your host so frigging good looking. I don't have a jealous bone in my body which is which is good but he can be jealous. Which is it's i'm always so sort of. i'm show i'm sort of shocked by it. Because i'm somebody i would not consider that somebody would get jealous about like. Jealousy is not really so much. About what the other person i guess. Oh no excuse horrible. Oh are you both jealous. He did a movie with kris kristofferson. Wow oh wow through the middle of the night. You believe this so sound asleep and i hear this banging on the door and digging us. Oh no gonna be up like an hour you know like four thirty something. Whatever was and get open the door. There's feel and the minute. I saw my thought. He thinks kristofferson senior off that said that he was liable for the door. I said come in. I was so mad at him i have. I had like another full hour right now. You know why can't do the seat aggravated that. He would think aggravated. And i'm excited. And you're and you're here and any log sitting. I just miss john to wait until we feel okay. So let's get into it quickly. What if what if you come to the door and chris christopherson. Is there what happens. Is there a fistfight. What happens. I would probably walk out. One other have never seen you again. Yeah wow you see with mark. There would be crime scene tape. There would be like police barricades. And there'd be a whole right. Yeah because you. You did that a few times i would show up. He would show up at. And i i remember one time. I looked at him and i said. Aren't you tired of catching me here. Actually doing what i'm saying. I was doing a show in boston and we could. There's no set we weren't we didn't have cell phones time right and i couldn't get hold of all day and i got a really bad feeling and so on. Yeah it's horrible and so unfortunately. There are flights to new york from boston every hour and i got her finally on the you know how they used to have this on the plane and so she said you sound funny. I'm like you sound fine. I guess it's just the phone. He's a what are you doing tonight the friday night. Were you married or not married. We doing tonight. I said believe it or not. I'm cleaning the toilets. I was like i was cleaning so he for some reason. Thought that sounded very fisher. Unitel you on the plane. No he wanted to catch me came in very much. Hey what's going on happy to see me. No he tells the tell. Call up to the apartment and tell her that. There is a flower delivery and so for and i was like a flower delivery. And i'm so excited. Because i'm thinking who my. Gosh he's sending me flowers are nice and i'm getting i have like a johnny mop in one hand. I wearing a bathrobe i am. I am a disaster. I'm not how. I want my husband to see me when he gets home from like his movie. Set and open the door and it's him and he comes in he doesn't even say hello to me. He's looking then. I go and i'm still looking for the flower guy. I was like there's a guy coming landlords. It's a horrible feeling. Gosh i'm i'm less chile these days. Oh my gosh yes. There's no such thing as this perfect marriage. It's the crazy stuff that you get through together. That makes it all worthwhile. That's kelly ripa and markham's suelas. It's great how they still seem to surprise each other. He pretty boring if there were no surprises. That's why i'm marriage you until next time. I'm phil donahue marlow thomas anyway. I know you're leaving tomorrow. You must be having romantic night tonight. So no ranting night. But i we're down to one kid knows. Double date is a production of pushkin industries. This show was created by us and produced by sarah lilly. Michael bahari is the social producer. Musical adaptations of it had to be you buy sell wagon symphony marlow and i are executive producers along with me alot bell and lee taal mola from pushkin special. Thanks to jacob. Weisberg malcolm glad will heather fain john's nour's carly wrigley ori eric sandler. Emily russ dhec. Jason gambrill paul williams and bruce kluger our show. Please remember to share rate and review. Thanks for listening Mental health is just as important as physical health at mental health. Map dot com. You can join the quarter million. People that gentleman has given groundbreaking insights to throughout the last decade at mental health. Map dot com. You'll be able to use genetic science to help understand and maintain your mental. Health results are good for life because your genetic results don't change experienced. The new experts starting point for your mental health with gentle mind at mental health map dot com. That's mental health. Map dot com worrying about your child's mental health and wellness can be overwhelming. That's why gentle mind is revolutionizing the field gentlemen's mental health map reveals genetic predispositions to traits across seven core genetic mental health capabilities. Things like stress anxiety mood focusing memory social behavior and more get personalised insights and actions based on your child's unique genetic makeup visit mental health map dot com. That's mental health. Map dot com the experts starting point for your mental health.