Finding My Parents with Tim Dyson
Welcome to good bad about a jazz. You've ever had questions about the juror. Maybe a bit jaded your attitude doors religion. Oh you come to the right place. He was an honors philosophy student ordained a presbyterian minister planted three juergens fathered a prestigious university. But now now you just an aging curmudgeon who never quits asking the question. Why pose a doctor john. When i was growing up professional athletes were a little less professional than today tv cameras and interviews after the game often included. Hi mom and thanks to their parents for getting them to that success point well back then i found it a bit annoying where now i missed the innocence and authenticity of it. All having done this show for the past year. I've been surprised by how many of our guests end up talking about their parents and particularly when we get into deeper issues. My mother died shortly after. I turned three years old. My father died. When i was only twenty. Two and i felt handicapped in a way in life. I couldn't take my wife to be to meet my dad and it would showed her a lot about me. I love my dad. But his failings and flaws impacted may for years into the future in fact relieve and they still do. When a new baby comes into the world it's common for the adoring family and close friends to make comments about how they have physical attributes of the mother or the father. I find it ridiculous impossible to discern and as reliable as your daily horoscope but as life goes on often the genetic and character traits passed on from parent to child or undeniable parents. Teach us what we should be can model for us how to navigate this world with varying degrees of success. So what do you do when that thing called. Nuclear family betrays you. Dis gives you up for adoption. Turns to booze or just flakes in the myriad of other ways possible. What is it like to live life trying to fill out a form that. Ask your father's name and you don't know the answer. We've all seen the tv shows of adopted children becoming adults and going in search of their biological parents their gut wrenching or they emit heartwarming conclusions. With that are much rarer. Than i'm guessing is what's found on the editing room floor. So where would one go to find such stories well. Certainly jails and prisons would be a place to start. The reality is one would need to go. There even just listened to the people around you and they begin talking about their families. Strange and unique combinations of people betrayal and heartbreak lurked beneath the surface. So today we have a local business banker in orange county need a business loan. He's your man. He's a great father to to handsome teenage boys active in his church. So let's just open the phone line and ask him about family. Welcome to church hurts. An ten dyson at thank you for having tim. We're gonna be talking about family. But i'd like to start but just give us an elevator speech of your life today. What do you do kids that kind of thing. Well as a commercial banker for one of the big three banks in the world. I help small business. Owners achieve their goals Rather be through commercial real estate. Typical business banking merchant services payroll and i work out of my house like the rest of the world right now recording team but I visit my clients Sometimes and look forward to getting back out there to see him again. I'm a father of two teenage boys. they're athletes. And i just enjoy that time with them. Slow if you would. Your stories are so amazing and a lot of ways but there is one fact that i have a hard time getting my brain around would you. Would you tell me how many children your grandmother had so. My grandmother had twenty three children Eighteen of them lived and a small little town in southern maryland near the naval base and she had a big family and lot of aunts and uncles and cousins. And and so on so and you can't name them all. You can't name all your aunts and uncles on top of your head kanye. Oh no way. I couldn't i couldn't but they could you know their siblings can do that. Kinda cool how many. What did your earliest memories of family. Your childhood home what. What kind of thing comes to your mind. When you think of your earliest earliest thoughts i would. I would definitely say you know you know meals. Were always great at my my grandmother's because we eytan ships but those were times that i actually got to see my biological mother. Aunts and uncles. That will come into town. I would say those are. Those are the earliest memories. That i that i have a family and i didn't really have I didn't start out at my grandmother's house. I started out with a family before that that were just a nice family that took me in when my mother gave me up. My grandmother eventually took me in because they were moving to california and she wanted me to stay with the family to your knowledge from a youngest age. You're kinda thrown into the foster care system in maryland right. Yeah from three years old on. Sometimes you'd come back to your grandmother's From what you tell me it was kind of like. You don't know how many families were with or do you. I was told. I was with one family from birth till age. Three then my grandmother's after that and then from there Juvenile hall and foster homes will tell me about this because this is just kind of makes me squirm but you know. I grew up hearing all the time. Spare the rod spoil the child Knob because my parents were particularly religious simply because everybody said that when they had the excuse and we had a fraternity paddle in our home. And sometimes i'd get a wooden spoon but your your grandmother was even a little bit more old school than that wasn't to see. Oh yeah oh yeah so growing up. I don't know if you've ever seen the bill cosby comedy. That talked about there would be beatings tonight. and pretty regularly i would say daily we would Get beaten for whatever reasons for sometimes just being kids but switches anything that she could get her hand on Rolling penn broomstick shoe. You know that's a common one but Yeah was very common practice and so one night. I'm told you told me you were locked in your room. And actually they had a latch on the outside of the room so they can lock you in. You just decided you'd had enough. Tell me about the night. how old were you. I was ten years old I had gotten beaten that With a broomstick that had a hole in my back and You know we were locked in rooms every night and that night i knew how to get out. You know. he's up piece of paper and excited and get out of there but I did run away that night. The first place thought of to go to the hospital. So i went ten miles Ran walk sola bike that chased by bats and dogs all the way but i made it to the hospital and was scared because i didn't want my grandmother to get in trouble but i wanted to be fixed. You know with this whole my back. But i walked in. I was scared and i ran out of there and went to the social services office where my Social worker wayne guy was and They took me in Got probably around sixty six in the morning and they took me in that meeting close mute and eventually took me back to my grandmother's so you're back at your grandmothers and i don't think anybody's going to be surprised that you started acting out a little bit and The un ended up in juvie juvie. And how did you get there again. Yeah i did rebel quite a bit. started just leaving the house and run with the wrong crowds and You know steals to make money so close or what have you and one night. I was driving a friend's fiero. And i didn't know how to drive and i jumped curve and police officers right behind me. And they took me to take me jail. And i ended up in juvenile hall off and on for a year year and a half driving at what age. What age were you. Tim probably eleven eleven about eleven or twelve and Juvenile hall was no no player. Playground bunch of Gang members So you had to fight pretty often to survive fight for your food. Fight to protect yourself in the bathroom and showers and Yeah no no real picnic man. I mean your you know. Your story is pretty dark At this point it's not a lot of bright lights and laughter but some good news came for you when you were in juvie. And you're going to get out. You had an option. I don't know if you had an option. But they they send you to group home. What's a group home. tell me about rudy and jamie okay So the option was to They gave me an option which was either to go back home to my family's or go to a group home. I chose the group home. And the group home was ran by jamie and rudy palmar palmer who both deceased now but fantastic people christian folks that had about eleven boys in the home from all over you know maryland one of the rules at jamie rudy palmer. House was that in order to stay. There is that you had to go to church but we went to a small church and a high school. That was probably ten fifteen miles away. Well with that little bit of good news let me just take a break for a moment and say That i worked for standing stone which is a ministry that really helps the frontline workers in church ministry and confront some difficult issues. That we talk about here. Church hurts in. If you chance. Would you come visit Us and if you'd consider even supporting us just go to church hurts and dot org and And you can find that half hour and more about what we do on this show As well as look back at some of our other shows today as we talk about family you might wanna check out the show. We did with pr and talked about Fathers and and that's affect on people in the church and outside the church but with that tim. Let's pick up so here. You are about what age you thinking that you're being dragged with ten other kids who've been in trouble with a lot to write. This was their peers. Not all in trouble with the law. They just didn't have their families. Were drunks or drug addict. Serve you know nobody could care for him. So i'm probably about Thirteen thirteen and a half. Maybe when i first went there and they take you into this church Was it a black church. White chertoff elected so in that town. primarily It was predominantly Caucasian there were pockets of african americans And the church was all caucasian. There was probably four or five boys in the group home that were african american and caucasian. And so i'm told you you kids and you got you found a way to get out of church. Thirteen years old. How did you get out of the alba. Going to the church service. Well we will file in and we would sit pretty close to the stage and this pastor was so boring You know. They said they needed help. They would make announcements He's talking about things like sanctification at thirteen. Fourteen note that means so. They said that we need volunteers. And the kids room. And i said heck up get me out of here. I'll go in there and try to give them love that. I didn't receive as a kid. This went on for how long a couple years so the group home the the state of at least the state of maryland. Their goal is always to get you back to your biological family within a year. So i was in a group home for about a year And then you know. I knew time was coming for me to go and begin to rebel against so ended up. You ended up in another foster home town. Tell me about what was that like now. You're going from kind of at least a loving group home but you have to leave. 'cause you're actually too good so you end up in this in this new home and they have a couple of kids you were within the nursery from those early days. Who were they yeah. Yeah so One of the kids the little boys names. Johnny and his sister name was kate and for some reason. I just gravitated to them. They were just you know. We look forward to seeing each other every sunday. And i believe that. The the director of the group home had talked to the pastor the church and said hey this guy you know. He's about to leave and he doesn't really want to go. And the pastor talk to his wife and they came to the group home to visit me on christmas they brought me lands and tie and a shirt. I still have today and They decided to take me live with them. And so that was pretty exciting for me because again. I got another another fresh start. Tell me about the first week in the home because here you are in this pastor's home now. What happened with the race issue. I mean was that a clash of cultures. What happened culturally wise. You know i had been in the group home before. So i've been around caucasian folks My grandmother was a matriarch of the city where we live and i. I was pretty comfortable with caucasian folks. And so you know living in the house was a little bit different the first week my mom by foster mom. I call her mom now. You took me to the grocery store to find out the things that i would like to eat in. The first thing that i bought was hot sauce. And then i noticed her eating raw hamburger meat in that freaked me out and that was a little different of that was a definite Different clash of cultures. There for me so tell me Everything didn't just become your life just straightened out. I mean the came knocking one day. What what happened with that One of my one of my good friends Well yeah we went to spring break together but in front of a seven eleven. I sucked him out and I figured i'd just leave and go home and i did. And the police came knocking So my my mom and dad got to deal with that as their first experience in all caucasian neighborhood. You never saw the cops but they did that day. And i hear your new dad that somehow you couldn't figure out why but he. He seemed to have a plan for your life. Which told you some. He must care about me if he has his plan. And you didn't understand it. What was that plan. Well all my life. I had had you know people that said they care about me and treated me in in bad ways and it was never consistent but the one consistent thing that i had next to jamie and rudy being in the gulf and the group home was living in the pastor's house you know and and his wife and you know. They made sure that i went to school. They made sure that. I did well in school. And i didn't initially until you know. Dad fought and fought and fought and fought to get me moved up to honors and ap classes. And i used them all. You know. I remember my graduation from high school. I didn't wanna go anywhere you know. It was an accomplishment. That i never thought we've had that i'd have and you know my dad and i went to mcdonald's he didn't give me anything In terms of great wisdom other than that day he said this is the first step An embedded college in my brain. So what other things would anything else apart of the part of the plan Surprise to I just didn't the consistency of checking. I tell my kids now you know. I inspect what i expect. You know. so you know education was was important. It was a key to to open as many doors. One of the things you know dad would say like you get many things on your plate as you can and that way you can choose from you know whatever it is that you'd like But if you don't have anything on your plate you don't have any options so you know that was something that really stuck with me as well kennedy. Just the transition a little bit in terms of wisdom. You might have the for so many people who've been adopted or who have mixed family Confused family background like this struggle even into adulthood. You told me you kept your clothes in a garbage bag. Even when you moved into that foster home for year you were just waiting to be turned over again and then soon you were an adult you know what kind of what kind issues did you still take on into adulthood still having those questions about family. Abandonment was you know a big concern. But i didn't realize it then until adulthood you know i felt like people said they loved you but they really didn't show it So yeah i did live in Garbage bags Even at my new mom and dad's house For a year. I just figured that. After a year i'd move on so in my adulthood abandonment. You know i would get into relationships. Do something stupid as often did as a kid you get abandoned in repeat the cycle over and over again which led to trying to numb that pain with alcohol and drugs and and women and just doing whatever i could to try to solve this void of not knowing a whole lot about who my mother was or who the people that had me. It was just a vicious cycle. That i repeated over and over again even while being successful in working with many Businesses are different businesses than and in california. So in your family. I'm taking it was a big deal for you graduate high school. Obviously your banker. You've graduated from college you know. It's just spiritually. You're on church. Her dan so there. I have to ask the question. How does god play into that struggle. You went through some wild things still processing the stuff as an adult you know where does faith church. All that come in does something. I always tell people if you know my story that it you can only answer it with because of god. My grandmother was very spiritual she send us to church. She would never go but and my grandfather will go to church. You know in a group home We went to church and then in my new home we went to church and some of the best times of my life because i was an athlete in high school and the guys in the high school. We have competitions. So i bring all the athletes and we'd beat everybody but god was always with me My christian camp. That i went to that. My family sent me two summers best two weeks. And if you have kids get him on the list of might take you two years to get in but what a life changing experience. It was for me. I tend to local church here in orange county He side christian church. And i loved that church. They loved on me for sixteen years now and so without god you know life is meaningless. He will deliver you in his time. But you do have to put in the work. And i've been fortunate to put in the work and i can honestly say that i am free To be able to accept the love that my family has tried to give me for all these years As well as many others for those of you. Who don't know me very well or tim very well. We've been talking as if this was about other people. But tim i didn't. I didn't know how to deal with this issue. Kinda just with us talking with who we are. Tim is my son. I knew i wouldn't be able to say that without tearing up And it's we're talking. We're talking to thirty five years later. This has been a life right Leave us with a favorite memory Is as you look back at the life. We've had together a favorite memory of of tim. It's part of the bass family many. I was fortunate enough to have a summer job building the church Your church in southern maryland chesapeake presbyterian church and i'd get on. My bike is about three in the morning to ride a school or right at work and You know before you know. The sun came up and we had to pour concrete but one of the cool things that my mom my dad my brother and sister would show up at the job site. Bring me breakfast. And it wasn't just some you know reckless burrito which is very good but i got on a plate blueberry pancakes fresh bacon you know and all the all the construction guys are looking at me like who and why is he getting all this good treatment Are those are some great memories You know that. I had when you took me to the dude ranch on my twenty first birthday with a bunch of guys from church. That was a great time while most guys at twenty one rout partying. you know. I was on a dude ranch learning about horses and hanging out by a campfire. So i think you know watching my brother play hockey and my sister play soccer And just oh my little sister she you know she's not so little anymore but you know she's just the apple of my and I think those those are some of the great memories That i've had but also my mom you know she is the rock of the fam- by far and i believe your success and my success is because of the even keel Just love and support without judgment or questions Really you know manifest itself in my life and and those are some great memories. That i've had so i was gonna ask if you wanted to give her out. In north carolina's she's freezing and much missed. septem- thanks so much for being here. Let let me just say a few words before we close have you ever felt underappreciated resentful for people noticing your acts of kindness or efforts to improve their life or the world. If not your unique when you ever hear. People talk about being over appreciated. Sure tom brady talk about the team. after he wins the super bowl in tampa but no one really believes them. We can't relate getting too much. Credit is just not part. Luis us humans perceive life. at least not very often with that considerable qualification. Let me take my stab at any. Anyway i get way too much credit for tim dyson. I didn't pray that god would send a broken teenager into our life as we struggle the one and three year old. I didn't have a vision of being a foster parent or have a view of race which drove me a want to have a multi-racial family. I didn't have the wisdom training to take on parenting a sixteen year old when i was only thirty one. We had an extra room in our small three bedroom house. In those days it would be a few years before the little ones needed a bedroom of their own going back to a neighborhood. I knew was riddled with crime and drugs was not something anyone would want for a teenager making progress in life. So maybe it just happened. Maybe or maybe. Before the foundation of the world a sovereign loving god who reigns over all of history beyond our miniscule comprehension decided to use the bash family as an expression of his grace may be the god of the church allowed hundreds to come through. Those doors would miss the message knowing an unlikely teenager was going to see it. Perhaps jesus heard the prayers of a struggling mother overwhelmed to navigate life with a work mahalick pastor husband no other family around to support her attempting to nurture an overactive infant and an ever ready toddler and laughed as he wrote the pages of life to make an unlikely match. I haven't been a very good father to him and his adult years. I sure didn't have any model to follow. But that's just an excuse. i'm serious and it's tim's fault. I'm serious and tim thanks. It's my fault in. He's serious and we've lived for years being serious but malcolm's the and remember this church hurts and the and life so from time to time god come down and starts laughing at us and he points out that we love spending time together. We can create a party in a morgue. We're both overly sensitive and stubborn and we have a love for one another. That's deeper than most parents and children ever get to experience one of those times. When tim was wrong and wouldn't come to christmas. The kids arrived at my home complaining about him. Having stopped to see him Early on christmas morning. I silently loved hearing them support. My view of what a turkey was at least until my daughter blurted out. He's exactly like you. Oops that's one backhanded compliment. I rather liked. It's worth a thought for richardson. In this john bash go and enjoy got today. Well that was worth a thought for sure and brings us to this addition of church and next week rumored will be walking on the bercy during the denial winding move our hose. Doctors john upper with things nonprofit ministry admitted security for fast and christian leaders at risk of leading at church and dot org until then remember kirk door. Now go into a joy. god today won't you.