Annie Lederman's Ayahuasca Trip Helped Her Deal with Trauma
We know you're fascinated by crime. But how often do you get to hear from the survivors in their own words. I'm jay jake. Dip tula we're the host of strictly stalking the true crime. Podcast that explores the devastating crime of stalking every week. Our guests reveal the true tear. They're facing at the hands of a stalker in the steps. They take to fight back. We're uncovering the real stories. You think you've heard from tarran newell surviving dirtyjohn to others. You won't hear anywhere else. Be sure to subscribe to our podcast. Strictly stalking from cass media. Wherever you listen to podcasts. Leading back to worse i. I have a very blonde guests today. she's a comedian. Entertainer extraordinaire skims. Where purchased some more money some more money skims model anne letterman. Doesn't i'm just gonna put in the. I'm just going to put that in the bio that you're skims model skims model. So how did you become a skims model. Tells everything little esther. I call her little edgar my male counterparts. She's my chewy She is she was just like you have to try skims and i was like go. Fuck yourself i'm not trying skims you pieces like how dare you. Yeah and then just she said it. So many times that i got into my subconscious and i was like what is so great about it. Tell me honestly. This one's a little low. It doesn't maybe make my boobs look as the other ones but they just are flattering like they hugged your body. And the yeah. They're just a good. It's a good product. is it like spanks it wa. I never tried the ones that are spanks kind of i don't really i don't roll that way like i do. Skim not spang is just you know the the ones that like shove your body and i've never found ones that actually do the things i need so i actually pulls you in the right directions stuff too much like arm. You know usually the over fat thing ray and what how much. What's the price point on this. The price point this might have been like sixty or seventy. It's not too bad not too bad. It's if you're kim kardashian. He could probably barring it down a little but yeah especially because she's probably having a maiden china getting paid three younger than her children. Maybe she makes the pony children. The god will they look good on you thank you. Let's get them off the website. I get him off. The website is just turned into whole skims. Add sponsored by fall for marketing. I do. I fought for everything. They do a thing where they don. It's not really you know. Like oh my god. They're all out and then she releases them. You get the email where it's like. They've just i gotta get on. But i think i've tapped scams. I have like four pieces four pieces. That's a good amount of money that you've given to. Her dog is so sure. I know she's a weiner dog she six relations. Thanks yes. she's i mean my other one did too. He just died sued for ever. It was so weird like a week before he died he was like totally fine like not fine. He was in kidney failure for years. And i just was getting him fluids and who is and then just out of nowhere. It was so sad. He just just took a heavy decline. Like it was just like over. Thanksgiving graph course conveniently when everything's closed. Of course his original vet was closed. And i was like oh god and he just started having trouble breathing and then it just was like nightmare anyway. I think he's still here his spirits. You're probably right now. I can feel. I spent some show maybe shut on the floor. He goes shit. Now your dogs in the house now outside. Why does your dog pm house. He's still he's still knew my my dogs. Where did you get your dog. i got well. This is a is is the worst. What's your you know what it is. The worst and i'm gonna take myself as a victim of this experience. I was a bic shots. Tell us everything. i do. Play the camera lady again. You'll see my eyes. One's all me Anyway desperate energy but it's not desperation it's just joy and you'll love me or hate me which was popular people are hated So i got my dog. When i get a dog and my living assistant you an assisted living. You know liberty remain. Yeah he's like a room may pay this person. No okay. you don't want to say things out loud about your life but you just kind of. He's just like a cue guy though your boyfriend friend. He's an assistant. He's an assistant. We don't you know But he was like are. We're gonna dog. it's time so like all right. And i don't how to get a fucking dog i'm friends with delirium on but i was new friends with her and she is so she's like the poster child of russia's rescue. Yeah she's always really. And whitney's doug i don't really know what rescue me. I'm like shopped. i'm like. I wanna cute cute one. Yeah so. I just went on craigslist. Stop and we just looked and there was one dog that was like one years old that someone was like couldn't keep so it was like a good store it wasn't tragic or anything and so we went to see. I can't remember where it was like. Palmdale it was somewhere bad. And we went drove an hour and a half to go see this dog and then the guy like wasn't at the address he said in the address gave us was a park and then it was getting darker. Like we're about to get fucking murdered. He's raped and murdered hopefully murdered. I if you're a nice guy. Ray my corpse do not make me live through this So we just left. And then i was so disappointed and then this other lady just hit me up and she showed me these two puppies and it was like this nice happy mexican lady like holding two puppies that. Look exactly the same like oh. She's like litter. So we go over there and They're like one families leaving with one dog and then there's another family meeting them in their meeting. Awesome like this business all my god. Like she's a breeder. Yeah this is something and So we go see the dog and there's two dogs and one's just the cutest dog in the entire world. I mean he was just so cute. Dozzell's is that one you got you. Yeah and so and he just had a cute personality and so we bought them. And how much does she charge you. Hundred bucks eight hundred dollars. She's like a rescue. And i was just like. Can you give me a fake rescue paper. I gotta show my friend. Olivia munn not like at this point like libya was like i had met her. Maybe once or twice she was like if you need to let me know a help you get one and i was like okay but i was like i want like oh and now yeah yeah become an addict e you know what a minute like i want to think. Now i'm not gonna wait for like acute one. It's hard to get the coupons. 'cause they go quick follow. A small dog rescue called toby's small dog rescued. You follow them like they of ones. But every time i've ever reached out. Where do you get the cute one day. They cherry pick like they go to the shelters and they check back and then they stay seldom ionosphere reading. I heard a theory. My friend used to work at vanderpump and he vanderpump didn't do this vanderbilt restaurant but vanderpump dogs. Then he said he thinks that a lot of the breeder are a lot of the rescues will go get dogs kind of the way i got them on. Then bring them in as rescues to sort of make their place. Look yes matter. Yeah but you know. Also they have people that go away at the shelter and then they get the dog for like fifty dollars and then they charge you run hundred and fifty or three hundred to adopt it and so it's actually like its own business right not to like shit on rescues because it's what they do is so good you know but some are you know. It's all money making thing a lot of it. Listen i feel like this was a rescue type situation. He was in this wars. The house late. i didn't go into the house. They rose to the laundry room. Because i don't think they could have brought us in because when okay so. The two dogs looked alike. And i go. Oh they're brothers. Go no go with the fuck wire. Why do why do they. Why are they win. Dolls mary kay. National senior related cannot be related. They weren't let's say they want the property runners but anyway so okay. So i go what i'm like you i go. Where are they from mexico. Hug okay so listen. I'm starting to realize maybe this is a population. Yeah at this point. I've seen the dog. I want the dog. How old is he now. He's four months now. he's so small still he well. He's a little bit bigger. I've post as much with them because he got beggaring. Your main. how did he get manged. They get mangers is mites. all dogs have them. But they're so their immune systems are supposed to go to fight them off and keep them from getting a breeding coming easy so these little microscopic look puckers. My dog had a low munich system. So they don't get it for like six weeks so when we got him was perfect door queue and then obviously he's stretching his eyes out bleeding i was. I was losing my fucking mind. Did you take him to the vet. Took him to the vet They gave put him on medicine but he still had to like scab up and then all the hair fell out and he's like bald around his mouth and his i is it go. Is it going away. it's starting to grow back. Yeah so it has the fall out and then get but yeah but it's like nightmare shallowly. It's because his puppy years are now. You're like oh not posting anymore for us. Keep posing poppy. Pictures people are like. Wow this dog. Doesn't get older throwback thursday to like the. You've had the dog week on monday. Any main monday mange monday. I'll post them on. I wanna see the still. He still looks cute but so for talking about people were giving me some shit when they founded. I didn't adopt a dog busy. Looks like he's adopted. He was supposed to be now. He definitely looks adopted music picture and say try to tell me. My dog wasn't adopted. Now read me. I was such accountable. I was being so such like people will be like. Is your dog adopted in the beginning. Goes you know he's cute. Oh dariel and then now it's like the lord struck him. Yeah people attacked you. Yeah i mean. I got a lotta shit but i was also like i mean i mean born you kind of think about it. They're all adopted because they all need homes. What are you put. Push out of your push. I didn't adopt nina. I mean this was six years ago before adopting was super. You know i was kind of swoon. I was kind of all. Is that him now. This is now wild. What a shame really. What's his name. Randy randy after randy jackson played. All of us randy's stop. What kind of dog do you think he is. I think now he's we think maybe chihuahua. Maltese poodle paid eight hundred dollars for that. I don't give a fuck. I mean honestly. Like i'm like you matter to you in this house into. It still feels the same. Because i pay for my own shifts so i mean i don't pay rent. Oh my god. I ain't bad bad bad deal right now. It's funny like i have a credit card for like when i go grocery shopping and like i have now. You buy clothes at hoping to get free. Try but it's like he The credit card doesn't let you take money out so i only shop at ralph's. Can i return this work. Do you guys to air one. No i need some no is kind of funny. Everyone assumes that about me they're like oh you must be you know so rich now but my husband is very rich. I have a credit card. You know he takes care of things like vacations gender whatever and you make sure look pretty to. I'm sure he's not gonna know doesn't stuff. No i'll tell you why god his ass i know. He doesn't believe in botox fillers or any of that. And i'm like well because standing right in front of a whole bottle wrestle and right in your face silently staring yea so he doesn't believe in nothing. You've nothing i've never done it. I've done no lasers anything yet. When i get the money. I'll come as you can tell me what to do. You don't need anything. How have you done nothing. I think i just don't drink her. Move your face naturally my move at a law but we don't have wrinkles. How old are you thirty seven. You look really young thank you. I think it's the tiny. Ted's no i mean it's crazy because you've never done anything in your skin is really good. It's crazy 'cause you've never done anything in your life in your thirties. Wear my losing in a negative mine. Spiral I'm trying to get. I haven't in a negative mines. Tell me everything what's happening. There's construction in my apartment. Okay and i just did like the comedy. Store documentary came out. I've had a lot of really good career moments but they're not translating into like being able to pay for anything right. Oh i'm living in this apartment. That's in the middle of construction so the construction surrounding the apartment That's terrible ways. All things falling off my wall just like stress in the apartment building. The dog getting sick just all this up to work. It's just really. Are you getting any kind of unemployment or anything right now or no. I'm not. I wasn't the beginning. I started doing like merchant stuff. But i had to get. It's it's up to me. it's not. I know it is but also it is really hard right for a lot of people. Definitely i feel for you. I mean i for you don. I'm looking at her dog. Fully like bird is oh is tall for on bugging. Is your system. Have a job on my sister creditor. Everything's fine in my pockets going. I like how you do those. Yeah this is great because you know we had a we had a studio setup then obviously covert in their like sorry. You don't have a studio anymore. So i just set this up in the house i like and you do it all yourself in. It's actually super easy. And i'm getting like divider like a plastic divider so we could still see each other right now. We're just my ex boyfriend was in prison. I wanted to go visit him. Was he imprison everything. What are we lose virginia virginity. Get into the worst. The worst that your dog got mange. That's the worst. It was bad but it is mostly shallow. Because he's not uncomfortable anymore. It's just meeting go back hair grow back feel you before. You're a grown up until you're like. I can't send out christmas strictures this year unlike but he is like ugly cute now. He looks like he's half chicken. Why can tell you from. Because rob schneider is and he was like. I told him that. I was gonna get the dog vaccinated and he was like. Don't let go don't vaccinate him. It'll it'll change changes dna. And i think that's what the plot to is. Rob schneider an anti vaccine. I think openly yeah openly he is. I'm like i'm not ally love him. I love i love ron. But maybe that's why he is the way nobody wasn't the was like the plot to the animal anyway but he he was like the dna will change. And i was like rob. What are you talking about. And then it's funny because he is literally half chicken. God looks his feathers. Okay wait question about vaccines. Would you get the covid vaccine You would no problem. I think i would like wait a week. I might not be the first person. But i'd be like the third like want ties them like they're paying people right now take it. Oh really. yeah maybe get on that. I mean how much will tell was worth. I want him. I haven't seen my parents. How long has it been. It's been almost a year and earned philly mine. I know i haven't seen either my dick because they're old. Yeah don't wanna risk it. You know what i mean like. Imagine the one that killed like 'cause you know how many times you're going to kill me. I know and then we literally do. I know the crazy thing is. I was looking at the statistics this morning and for our age group in the thirties. We have a ten percent. Chance of dying from kobe with our son is really high. Nine point nine percent but who of our ages dying in california there. I'll share their the graft show us the people's crazy to see the body. I'll show you the. I'll show you the group you know. I searched anti vaccine. But i'm okay. So then. And then i wanna know. This whole thing is so You don't know anyone who's died from it. I don't know anyone inside from it. I don't know anyone from it personally. But i've heard of people dying from it. Which is so. You're so area. You know she so might he. I knew she she. She super lonely. And i was thinking about getting another dog but i feel like she kinda likes Maybe you kinda like it okay. So here we go. This is chronic. Virus cases are skewing younger but older californians make up the vast majority of deaths. And this is it saying that. Eleven percent of california total has coronavirus cases. So ages. I'm sorry you know what ages thirty five to forty nine. We have a five point seven percent chance of dying if we get it ages sixty to sixty four like our parents seven point six percent chance of my mom. Succeed seventy nine it is. I'm nagas within that age. Group is nine point seven percent so they've almost a ten percent chance of dying years. The really fucked up part eighty year olds. Have a forty three now. My dad's seventy nine. That's eighty but they don't go out there so parallel scary loud that they are because my my girlfriend back home her best friend got it and she told me it's like she can't even lift her arms to brush her hair. She's we god she's gonna gets a fast. She feels like she can't get skinny. Get really skinny but doesn't let go get it. You're like a stomach ulcer down thirty. Tell me everything about that. How did you get the stomach. Ulcers i think it was the stress of the apartment and the dog and although i don't know i just got like started getting really nauseous all the time and i was like i'm not pregnant. So what the fuck is wrong with may Doctor why and then. I was shitting black. Which means the blood star. Yeah yup then. So i diagnosed myself online web. Md found out you had stomach ulcer. Res autos cancer. I in you you know what i didn't think it was cancer. I was more word pregnancy. Because i was like how embarrassing you get black stools from pregnancy. Noble before when it was the puking embarrassing the again abortion new grows via. You're like my assistant got me pregnant. Oh how how did him. He's fired But then so. I i went and i you know i went to an urgent care or whatever and still waiting on these test results to see if i've h. Pylori which is the bacteria and then you just take an antibiotic start to feel better. I'm i'm telling positive thinking. I got some in such a spiral that'll be so depressed. I had such an upswing. I had so much fun during the comedy store documentary. And you know i did. Rogan's podcast with whitney the summer and i was really fun. I've been on this like really fun. Ryden and then. I knew i started to neglect myself. Charismatic not meditating during breath work and civic that night i saw it coming but it still had you distress will physically like cause your body to fall which is crazy. And i've learned got d. Take anything to to new anti-depressant. Nothing no. I don't want to have like a theory for myself is in for anyone else. I completely support anyone taking whatever they want to take. But i want to obviously have a good life at the moment. But i'm very very interested in being like a really fun. Happy elderly person. So i'm trying to do everything i can to make sure that i'm like with and happy and doing good old wanna like peak in my eighty s e. Feel like when you feel like if you took something that would fuck it. I don't wanna do anything. Now look it up in the future. Not that i know any of what that is. But right. And i also think i can so much of my depression and anything that happens even my substance abuse was all repressed trauma. Okay so then. now. I'm like okay. I gotta deal with our press trauma. And i've done a lot of work with. I did iowa a couple of time. How is that is fucking amazing. did you like. It wasn't credible. Are you sober i am. I'm pretty sober. I don't drink. I don't smoke weed. I take an antidepressant. And i let's take cbd's so that's piece in the sober community people say is cbd's not technically so it's sobering quit a i don't drink i don't do drugs. Nothing i've all way behind me But i want to hear about. I lost because they do consider that like not to do that too. But you did so helpful for natural yet in like the second person i've talked to that said with trauma it's like real estate and really opens you up. Yeah lets you see. It just was crazy. You just see how you have all the answers inside yourself and you're searching outwardly. You're trying to escape yourself but really like everything you need is already and you. So you took it and you didn't feel sick or do you feel you puke crazy. Oh it's insane. where did you do it. I did it. A i have a shaman. Who the whole of amazon john was. I was at the comedy store. And i was in a fucking shitty mood. I was dating this fuck in. It was just like an old fuck boy. Like we're just like oh my god. It's so weird when you're like why would he did an older guy that's never been like. Obviously they like. There's a reason why it. But i like on a date. Like he wanted me to meet his friends and but he was also like. I'm not interested in a relationship. I'm like why am i meeting friend. It was like this annoying. It was like to win a half years ago. Three and so i just bowling with him and his friends and i was like just in the worst mood and i went to the spot in the main room and i was like doing my. I was talking shit on stage with his friends there. No he won't. I was just like talking shit on the experience and stuff and it wasn't like developed jokes or anything. And i i. I don't even know if. I had a good setup but it was like i was being ron real as being very real and i got up stage like and i saw this. There is a woman and a man and they were kind of like i. I know sons wherever they're glowing like they were just like the sweet. I i just was like who are these people and they were like hello and they like had accents and they high five man i was like. Oh there's some is and then. I went It was right after brody died. So i was like really and like just a dark place And i willing fucking europe. Jesus year and a half ago. I guess almost you january. Yeah you're enough But so i was like chain smoking cigarettes in the back of like what am i doing i was like why am i sang late. And i couldn't stop. And i was just there. It was like two in the morning. I'm like what the fuck my sets over an hour and a half and then One of the guys it works there was like all my friend wanted to meet. You was like oh. He did and he was like. Yeah he Your his favorite comedian. He's come here twice near his favorite was like. Oh he sounds awesome like he's probably trying to fuck me goes no he's gay and it was like. Oh sweet. someone really likes me just needing generally approval. Oh finally somebody said they liked me and then It just means nothing when people laugh runway fingers looking at the one person that needs me But so he. So then. I was like. Oh that's sucks. I can't meet him and goes oh but he's He's in town. Doing breath work ceremony. And i was like. Oh i love breath work. I wanna goes because all right. I'll tell you what it is. I iowa oscar sharman. Mo's like oh. Why do i was gonna goes. Someone just dropped out. You can do it this weekend. But i have like five main room spots ordinaries like i would cancel them and do it. I don't know and he's like. I think you should do it. It's really was like. I have really wanted to do. And he's like just call him so he gives me my shamans phone number and i called his south african. he's just like his voice is beautiful and he was the guy that high five to me. It was just like so weird. Because i had kind of had this feeling that i was. That's why was there like lee chain smoking. The whole thing kind of it enrolled. So i canceled on my spots and then i went and bought a bucket in a bucket to throw up in job b. o. b. y. o. b. Bring your own bucket. Bulawayo don't shed and you can save bucket now you can. I think some toilets are there for. Everyone was like at that place. Were like two or three. So everyone's going in there. I don't think i should the first time. I was just puking but i shut the second time on hate throwing up though how is a different type of throwing up. Though it's it's a purging of darkness inside you. It was us crazy then so i was spinning over this guy right. And i'm driving out to iowa. Oscar ceremony was in san diego. He had flown into do it. And so he had They had rented out this place. And i'm driving out there. And i'm just feeling so like anxious about this guy and i'm spinning and i'm feeling really unloved and i'm just like feeling so i was listening to What's the konya song. Where seth rogan and the made fun of it they. Could you be so heartless. No the one that was like He he takes the sample of like. I don't wanna sing. It's tumors for me guitar. I don't know. Does he sing. Yeah he seems like like alternative. Music not rob eat up here. He's go all right. Yeah anger scheppach dead now. He's so good But okay so so. You're singing connie as nobody loving you. Most sad and i'm just feeling like you know unloved and miserable and i go to the ceremony and When we end up doing the iowa's gotta there's a bunch of we do bunches up with them what we actually do. The iowa's gotta this woman comes to me and is mother. I ask and i start asking her questions like why am i spending y mos anxious about guys. Why most so worried about like this person comes to you. And you're in. You're like yeah. I'm like laying. Okay she's like there. What is term. I don't really see an image of her. It's just her presence. Is there and i start like asking her questions. I was just rattling off question. And i was like i really want to know. Why am i always like anxious. Feeling unloved all this stuff and she goes. Oh it's your dad like da like not even think of that is it. Did you have a tough relationship with your dad. I yeah i've had like a i. My dad is my favorite person. Like i love him to death. Were so much alike. And we're so bonded and stuff news very angry as a kid. But i think the issue mostly was. It wasn't the anger and that sort of stuff because we did work out it was. He's old he's always been old so i've had heart disease and stuff my whole life. I've always been worried about him dying. So i've never i've been so anxious about that like don't i don't. I don't die. That i never really liked was with him and president and enjoying my time with now he's eighty and now he's almost eighty and i had to just face and this thing like that is going to die. There's no way around it. It's okay it's would supposed to happen. It doesn't have to be this like negative horrible thing. And i had this whole vision of my dad as like the king of my family. My mom is the queen. And then i have a twin brother and an older brother. So as timmy. And max and there's mae and timmy has two boys and max's two girls iva kids will be. I have z. it'll be both he and then But i was just thinking of our like our perfect like beautiful family and how my dad was like live on through all of us. And and i so i decided i had to have this. Like funeral pharmacists all online. There while like i was like i'm i was eulogizing. My dad was just like speaking. About how amazing. He wasn't stuff. And i started crying like my dad's dead and i put my hand on my chest and my hand got really heavy and the my dad's hand was inside by hand and then his body. My dad was inside my way but and then like his body was in my body. That i really like. We are my hair. All i mean even every every. That's what's crazy. Is that you and i and everything League it's all energy. It's exactly the same accident you can't get rid of it. You can't destroy energy absolutely no way. No one is no one. There is no death death of a physical body with your son. Yeah i drive and dreaming of him every night. Okay student when you're going through all this. How long is it like. It's like six hours. So i got. They offered a the first cup. You come up. And he gives you like a couple of the iowa to taste like shed they give you a grape to kinda what does it taste like like like an earthy chocolate easy nastiness. How long does it take to kick in mind wasn't kicking in it. I and i think i had so many such high expectations. I just abandon my life. Everyone else that went to this weekend had planned for years. It came from all over the world to do it. And i just figured it out the day before like it's not working john. I'm like come on. Do you give me the fucking told him that. I go i go. What's because he comes around and checks on you 'cause like blows like tobacco on unita's like this ceremony and spits this like rosewater new. It's my shaman. is so a. He doesn't think where you hold. Both of your hands in his one hand and he like lows. Spitzer this stuff on you. And it's like just having like surrendering to someone his hand and he's just like the vessel of like dynergy. Yeah the energy and stuff so you know. But he's just so sweet one of the other times. I did it with him. He came up to check like how you going and the light was coming in from the window behind him as an angel. Dude i've struck crush on you. Thank you so cute. He's gay right. Yeah what he's just like such a like labour's but so he you know humor on. I was like it's not. I'm like i'm not working. It's not working and he's like he's like we're going to do another round like don't worry and so i just like kinda fell asleep through a little bit tonight ms it and then freaking out and all that anxiety. That was the thing that i was about to find out when i asked her about it anyway. So then the second cup he offers come up. Do you want to drink guns. So that's next to ours. So i was like fuck. Yeah i want to. And then i think offers a twice or three times. I took three. I always will take the most. I don i want to get to the bottom of all the so down and ready and we win It was yeah it was like six hours so the second cup copy felt it in the second cup. I felt it and i started. Just be like oh my god and it was just laying there and you just. What are you feel relaxed. I'm trying to imagine like say. I just drank it like would you say how long ago warm some people feel. I don't even remember it. Some people feel you're just in another place have you done. Emt or anything like that. Yeah it's very like just another like a place that's here but just another look like and some people see a lot of stuff. My friend had a crow compaq out. His heart and carried away was a black heart has announced tariff comeback and give him a new heart and like a freshman and so a back up. People have like crazy as you know what i wonder. I wonder if all that stuff is actually around us all the time and only when we try things like emt or iowa are we able to see it yet. Pm t and i wass gets the same. It's the same chemical released in your brenton. So you're it's ns so interesting. It's like the whole world inside of us. And i always wonder because the second time. I did it after i did the part with my dad and then i like flipped over. It was my mom. So that your this is your masculine side as your feminine side like interesting and then like when i leaned over here i was my mom and then i had a moment with brody or i was just like brody had died. I mean it might have been one month before And it was just like so it was just so fresh. And i was there with my friend. Who's next to my friend who works at the comedy store so we were just you know we were just really anna and so i was thinking about brody on the mother's side which was interesting. The woman's side. And i was just thinking about like how sad. He must have been how he didn't feel much. We love tim. I was like hugging him. And then that's when i had to puke like that's what i was like and it wasn't like i felt nauseous. Are i'm like ready to get this out. And so then i often. I just had the bucket there like it wasn't like anything like that and it felt like my ancestors were pushing helping me like pusher gel her job this and it was like a thick sweet tasting. It wasn't like like Steve yeah it wasn't even though it's not like the most comfortable thing but it felt so good and everything i had to get out and then it felt like there was like an egg that was caught and then a buck and bird flu how to and i think that was. What did you see bird. Yeah well i felt it was more. It's more like air attack. I wasn't like is open. Seeing it was like yeah. I think other people have more but i felt like a bird fly out of me and it was just so weird was just like that's amazing and i get these. Ptsd twitter sometimes. And i'm always like it's like a bird and may wow that needs to get out that feel like you've gotten out most of law together. I think i think it's a thing i would do. I gotta keep doing you know. 'cause it's i just got back you get gunky again like i get like caught up and stuff and i forget the lessons that i learned and and You know there's always more to learn. And i'm just like looking at your this beautiful. I'm so happy for gale. Oh my god you know. Tommy really wants to try it. He wants to try to much mental illness to try it out like schizophrenia. And my family and that person because to a to like some of those what. They're doing yeah. I was feel like i'd be the one that died. Because i get like paranoid when i smoke too much weed freak out when i like. I can't do anything anymore. And like so i used to do everything and then all of a sudden i like it. Do you feel because i've been. I've just recently had to stop smoking weed because i rose. It makes me looking psychotic and a ruined my life. Yeah and it's i'm the fucking couch girl. I can't believe i'm raced. I keep going back to thinking. I can do it but i never even enjoy. It's like i feel and i'm wondering if you feel when you realize you can't do these things do you feel like this is on para. I don't have anything i can do. I do feel that way. It's like i can't drink. I can't do any drugs. i can't smoke. it's just it's not even it doesn't even feel good anymore like it used to be fun. Yeah and i used to feel like this was so great. And then i don't know at some point something just changed. I do not enjoy this. Like this is fucking horrible and just became like nasty and i feel i feel you on the. We'd thanks i. I would smoke so much weed and then i will be like. I'd keep smoking to try to reach some things. Never get it doesn't and then you're it's like not only to knock it up. Its does nothing. It doesn't it just felt like shit. And then you eat. And it's like it's a depressant it just it gets in there and i think it really like feed your ruminating. Aw yes spinning. And i mean i i you know i love. Cbd because i have cd's doesn't have huge cnn. Which i love that and that's been really helpful for me is just like the good parts of that's the good parts of it and that's how it has gone to rooted in different taken that it's amazing. It's very calming Ju- oshawa gonda or osh osh ashkenazi ashkenazi. Are you jewish. i'm not gene. i'm not jewish. Elga quaker brought up quaker quaker. Great we love at quaker oats. We love that happened this morning. Here gotta keep the family and big. My family bugging business. I know everytime good dozen daddy and it says it's good you should have had more of the odes are in the fucking house will emerge. Oh my god you guys. We're going to take a quick break. And we'll be right back with any letterman on spurs donald. Today high. she'll have the quarter pounder with cheese. Extraministerial have ten piece chicken mcnuggets into sides of ranch please. The we've done this before a meal. Get it at mcdonald's twenty two of your face for two six bucks limited time. Only prices and participation may vary single item at regular price support for this podcast. Come from cdw technologies cdw wg. We get migrating your agency to a hyper converged. Infrastructure is challenging to. Do it want to do it. Whoa slowdown friend. Cdw jeez experts can help simplify your transition from legacy to hyper converged infrastructure with dell emc solutions that offer speed and agility. Have you done it. Is it done yet done annette. It orchestration by cdw people who get it. Find out more at cdw dot com slash dell. Emc this comedian. Matt braga. I want to tell you about my comedy advice. Podcast this might help with matt. Brander that's mit b. r. a. u. n. g. e. r. Every week my guess. And i listen to three messages. All from anonymous callers and offer advice every episode is less than an hour. it's not clinical or medical but it's hilarious and it might even help you can listen to this. Might help free on apple spotify anywhere. You get your podcasts. This might help with matt. Braga on the laugh button network. We're getting told what to do. Is a blast wreck. I'm so i'm all along intrigued by you because you. I know you feel all this. Like struggle and darkness. Whatever but to me are very free. Yeah i do also feel free. And i feel like i'm a the thing is i know that i am very positive person so when i get negative it's like oh i'm in a thing i want to get out of it. Yeah and i do feel yeah. I don't know. I feel like i've overcome a lot of stuff. I think. Perseverance like pretty cool. And you said you had like trauma that you went through that one. I talk about a lot. I did talk about it on a podcast. And i had them pull it was it really triggered me but we don't have to talk but it just i had a. I was sexually assaulted in high school by my teacher. Had taken to court and it was a whole thing and and Right now i'm really working on releasing the feeling of betrayal and the feeling of like being alone things and you know. I've done a lot of like forgiveness with the actual people but that like that hanging around of the feeling of The fear being abandoned. By everyone i think is why just because when you speak out about stuff like that fucking sucks yeah and a lot of people victim blaming which is the worse and a lot of people are you know and everyone has fucking opinions. When they're not entitled to them experience you know. Yeah which is really frustrating. I think especially for women keeps them from speaking out a lot. Although i will say like with all of the like to stuff and all that there's been a lot of support and you know Fuck i can't imagine 'cause i've never gone through that i also feel like me to unto far too like a lot of like it's a weird thing and it's just sort of what i always work on his dislike. Stay in my lane. Think about my own shit. Don't worry about other people's things and just like dude. You've gotta do 'cause when after i did that podcast. That had them palm. The guy was like this is an important story. And i was like. Yeah but i get rape stories in my. Dm's all too. It's very hard to handle it and it's nice. I want people to be able to reach out by ear also trying to move on mental health. Yeah i just really. I think it was like a big step for me to do that. And whenever i tell these stories people kind of come down to my parents or like where we parents and then i get so mad at advance again and it's like my parents are in the evening of fucking life. The enjoying their time loving their family. I love them so much. You know it's like all this focus has been on the things they didn't do right and not on these like how much we love each other. So i think this is awesome like having boundaries. And i think that's the hardest thing yeah is like also when you grow up with trauma attends to turn you into a people pleaser because you wanna be loved. It did a hundred percent so a lot of time. we'll go. You know constantly do anything we can to be loved. You know what. I mean like the fact that you told him to take it down is a big and he was really nice about it and the thing is i really work on like my trigger so if i say triggered by the way because you're being a baby when triggered by an gets you out of a relief become twitter d- alright but it's it's up to me to handle those rights so it's like i need to know the things that are going to like upset me and i need to learn to either like step away from them or see them for what they are and not be attached to them and i just was like. I can't for my family. I can't tell the store anymore. Just because and you can listen to i. I told her that mark man. I wept the whole time. I'm not dating. The guy was talking about on there. It's a little embarrassing you. Someone that's your like. But now i've found the guy who so great. You're not with them anymore literally. It was like any help man. I'm like oh my god and i look back. That was like so traumatizing. That religion but But also helpful. I've done that before. It's a whole earning expand like you know. He was another trauma. Traumatized guy so that was like kind of helpful. But you just get over trauma you know and that might even happen to you on this. Podcast yeah i talk about trauma all the time but i but part of me is like you know i talk about it so much to the point that i'm tr- it's for me. I've talked about my own trauma so much that it loses Like it's it's less potent. Yeah know what. I mean like i constantly am attacking it and addressing and then i just started doing. Amd are have you done. I want to do that. So i have the fantastic and it takes the power out of it. Yeah you can do that or the tapping the tapscott started. I'm going to talk about it next week. I'm doing my another session this week. And i'm love with it already late one session. You really take the power out of your trauma you really just get down to the little nugget of it. That's your body and you pull it up and you're like you are not allowed to be here anymore. You just kinda take it apart so much that it's not that it's nothing it's the it just kind of takes the power out of it. Yeah because it's i was thinking. I always think of this visualization so. The teacher that i had my issue with has dreads. White guy dreads. And it's like. I'm dragging for twenty something years. I've been dragging this white guy with dreads around with me like cut the fucking cordless brushing my teeth and he's in the mirror behind me. It's like i'm looking at a reflect you know it's just like i thought of that and i was like i need to get rid of him and i i realized. Recently i was still pissed at like my best friend from high school for like not supporting me. I'm like i'm mad at a sixteen year. Old like me this age being like to a sixteen year old like you stupid fucking bitch like went sign cancer cancer. Okay very sensitive young carpet. Were yeah no. I am really. I'm very sensitive. And i do take on people's energy lot and it's been really good to as you're saying before learn boundaries and be like. Oh not my problem and also like you guys remember. Stop you remember everything. Every cancer that i've ever met has been like. Oh i remember back in nineteen ninety. Two in some girl told me i was like fucking remember that show. I sure dr friend yet told me. Years ago when i was still living in santa fe new mexico is still drinking's before i even started comedy. He was like He said something like that where he goes. Well we're both below average in looks and i literally thought i was. I was like oh we're below average. Okay and i. I took it on for i. Kill him while we're gonna murder. I can have this podcast. We'll be us. Driving to mike him in the fucking house. No he bought a house. He lived in that apartment. I lived in that apartment with him on his couch. Mazing and listen. Mike has no kids i know. Does he have a girlfriend again. Or no I don't his a sears government. But yeah he's what forty something single guy. We love him but he's got he's gonna i think he wants. I think he's going to settle down sixty. or what. no. I think you. I think. I think honestly corona not that he wasn't feeling this way before but i think coronas nail for people like you got it. Our friend got it. He got at at a party right and then he said the weird thing was a couple of girls at the party and they got a very mild version of it like they just had a headache that he said he still feels kind of weird. Like i don't feel fully myself. That's the scary part corona for me. Yeah and then he also the weird thing was he was like i remember him telling me like one night he was like i swore i was going to die. He thought he was really gonna die. So maybe it's changed him. Yeah most you know that. I know That had a battery. Like yeah thought is going to my friend. Had before anyone knew about her she had league in the very beginning before they even worry about it and she was like. She said that she remembers feeling. Like this. exact. Thought if i was in my seventies or that'd be my friend who just got it said that too which is like so scary. Shit i know why people that are old. Don't live they could scare so what i'm saying. That's why i want to like build my. I just want to be like the healthiest i can be. I think i'm like willing my fucking ulcer way. I think i'm doing. I think you can. I think are brought. Our minds are so powerful. I think they can take us up or they can take down. I mean it's obvious you know. Hopefully and the meditation and the several guess so roadwork is crazy. I had breath work so going back to the like the trauma in high school. I was doing a breath work Cores and i would ever time i would do a meditation. There'll be go to the woods or go here or go there. I was always in these woods. Outside of my high school and i went to school in chestnut hill. So i don't know if you remember which has looks like what helios really pretty and you know like philly has so many like gorgeous woods and stuff so my school just had this really beautiful little like these woods with these paths behind side always go there of all the places. I've been to fucking ireland. i've been like to like. I'm not thinking about that. Not that i can't be in france i got to be in the fucking so i wasn't it didn't even register and then i did a breath work and this wolf came up to man. It's so funny because my parents my dad does all these the spiritual work my my parents. Everyone has like a spirit animal. My family and i don't have one but this was like a breath work in there like if you see an animal or something like that. My dad's is moon wolf. That's his his spirit. Animal name and will. I love my little very cool progressive family families. So cool really cool. I'm like you know the more. I've really worked on letting go of this stuff the more i'm like. Oh i can let all the good. That's various little and even the stuff that the trouble that i got into them was them really wanting me to like them so they would just kind of let me do whatever. I wanna gotten a lot of trouble right. So they weren't in there and that's because of the childhood they add they weren't they were overprotected rather than having had trauma so they were there. Trauma was in that so It was all like an over correction. And so i can one hundred percent understand it. But so i'm in this. Fuck in meditation and i see a wolf and my brain goes oh my. That's my dad's spirit him. That can't be minded. I go hoarse. That's my spirit animal to doug has your party. Your dad was like your little baby my name for it not have a name yet but he was really do. I know i shouldn't just name him. What randy randy's astronomers bleeding bugging scratching biting dick to it was like oh my god and so smaller ready. Get off florida. He's like he didn't even ask me if i want to be boy. I'm sorry we had the general reveal for you. You poor baby. He's i don't want to be a boy. I'm feminine on the inside. Everyone's going to be trans. My i think by by like another couple hundred a hundred right now. Everyone's at least a little bit gay like girls guys ever like some girl. She was pen she goes. I'm penn sexual abuse that one. Well she couldn't fuck and answered. I was like. I think it means you're fucking anyone you can because it's a pandemic that it can be an sexual. I dunno pan sexual to look it up. I know like sexually fluid. I know like you know. I think it's just like you'll anyone. Wow you don't it's not like wow on personality but i'm like it's interesting whatever everyone is going to become one and if you think about it it's like sometimes i'm like things are changing and i don't want them to. This isn't how it was like wait. Is such like the old man next door. That was yelling. Uh-huh for quaker quaker lakers are so hikers are probably like the head of the trans like yeah. The quakers are all about you. Know open mindedness. Every i went to a quakers going ever was all my teachers were gay were they. They were all like the all the lesbians were dating each other. That's cool all my friends had two moms. I grew up near quakertown. Yeah well. We're all the quaker house's like were and like it was so interesting so funny. It was like a little blast. Passover time you drive through quakertown well so simple sorry about two meeting for worship which is what we call our our Church i i met this guy online like a year ago who. He was a musician but he was doing a recording record out here and he was brought up quaker in philly. We came out here and so we went on a date to go to quaker meeting now. Laker media it was really cool. And then we never. I mean we just being friends but the Economy wanting to back to meeting. So i started going back again. But you're kind of like a simple life. And i would go in and like their accent like far lake lashed scams. Are you wearing gems. I'm like wearing jordan's like what are you doing. You're like i eat oatmeal. Okay hargrove sunglasses. No is this quaker. You're not a quaker. Oh my god. I love okay last thing i want to ask you about is how do you feel. I know this way. Let me finish the wolf l. Let's get out of these woods dude. The wolf's like in these woods anymore would have to be here anymore. And i was like oh shit and i've never visualized in those woods skin trapped at like something that happened to you and i was like fifteen right. You're asking me the best advice the day which was so sweet. I woke up. And i had like an epiphany wasn't she was like because you were molested in the things that happened to you. You're ten years younger. She's like give yourself a break that you will give twenty-seven-year-old she's like just relax. Everything you're doing you're on track. It's all good. Yeah it's true. I mean i totally believe that. I think that when something like that happens to you it really stunts you and it keeps you stock and so it's really hard to evolve. You know what i mean like. I've met so many people that have had you know molestation experiences. I've norman musset. But people that i know maybe nursing. I used to do but others. But but i think you are mosit- well people that i know. Are you know all a lot of them. Like very young at heart. Yeah like to them in their mind. Like in your mind to you. You still feel like that. Sixteen year old girl hard. I feel like. I just got out of that bad like few years like i remember i would say i was well into my thirty's when i realized like oh wish i shouldn't buy. Cigarettes for kids was like oh mike. Oh that's bad yet. Yeah not that. I was doing it but you know what i mean i was like. Oh stop don't side with a teenager. His you thought you were related. Your that's my mind. Says i have another girlfriend who. She's the same way she's thirties but talking to her. You think you're talking like early twenties girl because she's just she hasn't worked through all that yeah. I had a friend who was really like overweight when she was a kid and then she got the surgery when she was in her twenties and so she got like really high and then she was talking about dating was like talking to a middle school. It was so cute. I was like like me now like they told me. I'm really put my. I know you know it's actually really funny. Is that leg. it's kinda sad. It's like the girls who i know that have been heavy and then gotten really skinny the best people because they still have the personnel of that when they were heavy that they're so extra nice and sweet and so now they're like super hot and they have that personality where they still in their head. Think there but they're not any migrate peg sweetest people. My girl peggy sliver she. I found her once drinking drinking a bottle of champagne by herself in her room. Reading a book called fat Nice girls finish fat. Oh my god that's amazing. Buddies name a book but she. I'm honestly the sweetest person the world but you're didn't their head no matter what i've known that has been heavy before like still have that really like there used to like me and people being mean to them. They're heavy in the they're so sweet Okay the last thing i want to ask you about is how do you feel about the stuff. That's come out on the news about the you know the elian staff. Have you heard about it like any aliens okay. So basically the israeli government came out in like very public way. And we're like we've met with aliens and we just want us. This was like a week ago. Joe rogan talk to everyone but they said that and this is weird. 'cause i've watched like this. I'm really into the study. I watched his documentary called capturing light. And it's like this old lady. That filmed them in her backyard in canada like years and years ago and they said the same thing to hurt. These people are saying that the human race isn't ready. We're too scared we would swimming. Be the thing is is that they're so evolved and were so we're evolve but we're actually least evolved out of every species that's out there And basically will happen. Because it's like for instance like you know when you go up to a raccoon or something you're like oh it's so cute and sweet like i wanna hug it or whatever like least my action right. The raccoons terrified of you right worthy raccoons right. So it's like they don't want to hurt us but we are so scared of that when you're like what the final and and us as people are so aggressive that we would cause war and we would you be violent. So they're not gonna come down here yet until were more evolved but they they released an official statement saying we've met with them we know about them they're real and everyone was like fries rallies. The closest i'd be. I don't think they're the closest. I think that they're the only ones that came forward and admitted it. Like i think the us government knows. I think all the area fifty one do to get them to come now. I think we have to evolve. And i don't think it's gonna be furniture a couple of hundred years. I think we have to get the fucking kids. So i could live for it goods you know i did and then like i just worry about my mental health. Because you know. Just don't wanna put him. I don't want to push it on my kids number one number two. I know that like when my mom had kids something changed and you know and a dozen times for women like it can trigger something or set something off and it made her worse. Apparently like from what i hear from my dad and so i don't never wanna get pregnant and have a kid and then get worse health and then i'm raising yeah. I'm sorry so. I'm just. I'm i'm in a way i'm being selfish but i'm also being selfless dogs. Yeah they're going. they're so cute. I know i'm undecided. But i definitely work on myself in a way like i. Sometimes i have just these like fits of rage. And i'm like i can never do. I have to work on. And i have is when i was a kid. I would have my dad's side saw that like rage and you know. And i had no air you really i would just be so triggered and you know and my friends thinks it's a ptsd response And it is. You know it's like when you feel like you're the like you're being flooded with you know something or yeah. You know out of nowhere. It won't come. it's usually like triggered but it could be something small that like to me. It hit something big in my memory or something. I'm like oh but it's something that i work on because it's just really so unfair to around you when you do that. It's just like scary. yeah i know. People people get afraid naming because they're like. Oh my god gonna set this person off and then am i going to set us something. Whatever seven working on that. And i think about that like i don't feel like ready quite yet that way. Yeah i mean it. All one's perfect like that's the thing we're not perfect and i look at my parents and i had a lot of relationship with my mother and she's borderline personalities are she. She has a lot of the right like aware. Like you're like but so. I grew up with unpredictability. Like what's going to happen. Anxious attached relationship absolutely anxious. All over in general just codependent like various. He's loved me. Only me please please. I will literally put myself in the worst situation just to make sure someone else's comfortable way totally began. Go ahead spit on me pretty much. Everyone i fucked. I could invoke. I'm just like so many times. And i had that realization like maybe five years ago. I don't wanna make them feel awkward. I don't wanna do this. I don't even know how i'm putting these strangers about. But i've really learned like even more so this year. My assistant is very good with this. Yeah his parents really because his parents are like what did they do. So securely attached. I've never my husband's like that hired anyone secured securely attached before and. It's so nice to gel because the last guy dated was what's the other one avoid avoid and i was like a fucking nightmare. Hell all the time do you like me. You don't you don't then you're answers sitting there crying the tone of their voice or like the way they talk to you. Don't pay attention or page do one day and then pull back play the piano. Play your favorite song where you're leaving just like this dance and then it's like so i even there i'm like not fucking asshole mckee's just what he is and then then it's at magnet to each other but it's incredible but i was like what does your fucking parents do. And he's much younger than me too so they still together his parents of what their parents so he had a great childhood. His parents source From jersey sort of. I mean not like amazing but what his parents taught him was like. You take care of yourself. I and i think that that is the thing that i crave so much because my family has me so i'm so protective and i was so i i was always dealing with wide. My parents not protect me. Why did they not be like what about us. And my parents are these like kind quakers. They want to trust people and that kind of turns into codependency where it's like your take my kid even though this is a dangerous person. These people don't trust but will be the ones that trust you with our kids. 'cause you're trying they're trying to be good people right trying to put that kind of love in there and that's the hard thing i'm learning and life is like not. Everyone has the same heart as you were. I was like we're always trying to like appease and make people feel cozy and be like you know you're saying everything's good. Don't stress not everyone's same way back a my mom my mom really. We were in a fight. When i was just really dealing because i had all the stuff that happened to me i just blame myself for it because it was just such an easier thing to do. If you blame yourself. That's yours right. You have control over that if you if you realize that. All of the adults in her life let you down on your. That's fucking scary. Like my brain couldn't do it so i just was like obviously i'm trash terrible. I used to wear necklaces said pig. It was funny. It was hilarious but my ex like tore it off my neck. You're not a fucking pit. Stop and i didn't realize like i had been telling myself this stuff. And i thought i was like being funny and i was just so self deprecating but it was really like i really felt that and when i to heal that i had to get very mad outwardly. And then now it's about not having the anger out at myself and just being like surrendering to what's going on and just being like seeing how much love that i have and that was what was so funny about going into the iowa ceremony being like unloved and then i was like laughing by the end of the by family. Loves me so much so much and my mom this is gonna say sorry day but my mom was like When i was yelling at her in this time i was like you know like why weren't like i would protect any of you do anything for you. Why didn't you protect me and like why don't you pretend like and she goes. Not everyone is like you like we don't show. I love the same way as you. And she was just like and she's a doesn't mean we don't love you. It's just not the same. And i think that was important for me to hear because it helped me understand that you know. She's whatever happened with her. Is what informed her to be the way that she is and the way that she is is waiting for. You know what. I mean like this whole and we all have different lum languages. It's so hard you know we are so self centric in our thoughts that we are think everyone thinks like us. We think everyone. Everyone's the same page. Like why are they not. Everyone was molested by their teacher. Like you were molested and like the same way of dealing with things when people aren't like why do you not understand me like but it's so interesting. Everyone's love languages are so different like tommy's for instance i'm a i'm a affectionate showing affection giving gifts like being loving tommy's acts of service so hobie like oil make you something or all. Do something for you. That's what love some money. You glad you eat this pussy. Acts of service subscribes the guest. But you know what i mean like. It's so interesting. I read that book. By don miguel ruiz's the love love language. I understood i was like oh my god. It's so weird. Everyone has different ways of. We're all different but we're all the same. You know what i mean. It's also it's okay. You know what i realized with my anxious attachment was so. I felt like if this person didn't want me it was like i was trash or something and it's like it's who gives a fuck of someone who's going to be with you like that's fine. Yeah it's fine it's like my narcissism had to. I have to be like everyone has to want me. Or whatever. And i all these girls that i see with like with the biggest issues i would say are girls who are trying to be like the number one of something. When that's not thing you gotta be your number one review and yeah you do you gotta be your own number and by the way. How much better is wanting than having because once everyone gets what they want. It's eventually kinda you know. No matter who it is no matter what it is like your you know you love someone in love is continue on its up and down and it goes all different ways and whatnot. But it's like it's so interesting to me that like that first spark when you first enter a relationship and you have the excitement. Yeah that's the fun part for you. Have the person right when you have them. It's sorta just plateaus you know just what it is now and then you're just like it's more. I guess what i look for now is like it's just support like what's gonna helped me be my best. What type of person. And i am. I doing that for them. And it's just so different from the relationships. I have in the past because it's the they were like. It was just so tense all the time they were probably passionate and you know pass out of looked at this and probably been like. This is boring. When i'm like no this is so ocala lapsing and healthy and then like from here and i can the stuff so i i actually read a thing about people that have gone through trauma. Any kind of trauma dron. It changes our brain chemistry. So basically what happens when we get into relationships as adults. We crave that like dopamine hit from if there's not chaos going on and then kindness that gives us a hit of dopamine we are. We don't know what to do so in healthy relationships when things are just healthy steady. We kind of freak out a little bit. Because we're like. Where's my dopamine hit. Where's my like where's my rejection and then live my love whereas my you know. Where's my rejections acceptance. You know. we're not. We're not used we're used to this. And then when his leg this like with a fucker we supposed to do with his heart for me in those situations to push it and be like. Aren't you gonna fucking yell at me. You know yeah we dig backup pig. What i'm a pig. Okay i love you is. It is funny. When you're with someone healthy tommy histories like very easy going. You know. I had a lot of trust issues because i dated guys who were constantly cheating not dated guy mostly guys those with before. My last boyfriend were so great. And then my last week from before tommy was a cheater nightmare and always lying and so i got really fucked up from and so when i moved in with. Tom clancy everything like never find anything in your life. What is this. we're talking about fucking tacos with your friends. I know i know you check up on them whereas the deanne like my girls cute tom. People g loves roses. no bikini. Bet you wanna talk to on your photos of other people's wives. There's just so healthy i the worst is like 'cause i'm usually pretty trusting and then like something will happen. I had a boyfriend who i was like i was looking for. He had gotten enough. Fight was among and it was very embarrassing for me. So i was like trying to not like i was trying to make sure they were still fighting ga. You wouldn't tell me the truth and well you can't have like a public thing again. Yeah i got on right and When i looked in his phone he had texted his ex girlfriend from before me about how he i was boring own now. Trusted naturally supporting. Yeah i was a fucking banging girlfriend and i. It was just like so crazy. And i thought we were gonna beat the other that point. I was like what how. I was boring. And he couldn't wait to make money and come win her back and i was like brokers or when you make money e. l. me Up those merging penny. Are you talking about. Excuse me so. Did that create an issue for you up. After i mean it was like we. We waited like. I stayed with him for a little bit after that. But it was just like that once you me to other like how dare you speak. Immune so faulk down. Yeah i ever saw that. I wouldn't be able to lay. It was because there were fights and he would say really nasty stuff. He was very good with words. I was actually doing a bit about him before the pandemic about were like he would say stuff that was so like i'd be like oh my god you listen i keep repeating the same would say stuff that i said in like a loving like when i was telling you about my dramas or whatever and he would bring it back and fight a bully ham. You're actually listened to mobile. It's so hot you're the best. You're the best way remember read but When he did that i was like. That's his trauma. Whatever but then. When i heard the way he was talking about not. No you can't be was secretly behind boring but the thing. Yeah and that's not an insult it's like. Oh you're healthy. I here boring. I hear healthy but anyway Guys this has been an amazing podcast by the way so having on here too. Yeah we all. I mean i always get into like mental health stuff on here which is great and like sorry about it. I just had Dave navarro on last week and he went through some serious show when he was younger. And it was just like amazing So i love an aggressor yeah to england. His mom was murdered when his just watched thing about a guy's gonna mom getting married. And i've been thinking like if someone murdered my mom. It was horrible. I would that would suck the most of anything like saw coming which is horrible. And you like couldn't protect her and like us fifteen and so If documentary called morning sign like morning on amazon about him and it's intense. I watched it before dear lord. No under this guy's like dua he has. He's he's amazing he's evolved greatly I know that's what's so. I feel like some portent and obviously if this is what your progress it's just like we all have our shit. Yeah that's y'all worse. I mean started more like people talking about their worse like dates or like drug trips or whatever but then like i've had people on there like yes like my worst time when i was like so depressed or the source tom. I've been through and you know it's good. I think it's good to talk about real shed instead of everyone just sugar coating their lives. All the time i'm great. Instagram has made things. Yeah because a lot of people not allow people share their truth. And you're like why. Am i feeding myself this. I'm just ingesting bullshit. I do love that. You share your truth. You're always on there. You public acorns on your titties. I call them the damn. I'm like shut the fuck up. You guys are such a losers. Pinecone is awesome. They'll never going to see my dad's unless you google. Because they're on their. Okay guys. we'll follow hannie. Letterman instagram twitter. Everything right yes Twitter socks another side so follow Subscribe to my youtube which is any letterman. Yes where. I put my podcast. What is your podcast called. It's means version memes spray. She means british the inspiration. Okay guys make sure to try out her podcast. She's very intelligent. Funny girls support women's putting women. I've loved having you on here today. Follow and letterman. Dan you to enlarge was two to five and learn.