Episodes We Love: I'm In Love With My Abuser

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

Tuesday's subscribe now on Apple podcasts or wherever you listen produced by the island I wanna add more positively your podcast feed checkout WBZ kind world stories of extraordinary kindness and compassion new episodes on uh-huh welcome to dear sugars that is the voice of our caller and we're calling her struggling with shame and struggling with intimate partner violence on this episode. Hello Hello trade run into it I wanna say what a powerful experience it was for me to hear your voice and and to hear the the shame and confusion and fear and uncertain to anybody we moved across the country to get away from our friends and family and now we're both out here they help -Fornia foles and I love love is not simple and it was amazing except when it wasn't the more time we spent together was peppered with these arguments move town and travel to California and that's exactly what we did he helped him I car and we drove across the country together with no real plan and and I think that as alone as you may feel in this I just WanNa tell you there are so many people listening right now and and people I know and screw and intensity and round we both love each other very very much it seems that neither of us to figure out why everything was going well and it's been months since our our fight and I the Hash through what happens but I'm still struggling with this shame nobody knows I can't talk to my friends I can't talk to my family I can't talk I listened to your voice on that phone call and one of them was you know the horror of the assault and the other piece of that caused him such rage the other one being maybe this time will be the last time and in some ways I understand that part of this abusive cycle do a marriage where there was domestic violence my father abused my mom and I did find myself really remembering some of the dynamics at play turns and I feeling of shame and kill and you know the question of how mistake and I saw this in my mom even as a child who witnessed this abuse I wanted to believe my dad's story that he loved her it is the confusion you feel about the fact that you still love this man right and that in fact you've taken him back some of my earliest memories are being the child of a they were just straight up nasty and gotten to the point where he struck me in my face I story is I sell madly in love with the young man and he's so madly in love for me we share the same dream to break out of us oh can I have let myself be being a relationship or in a position where my lover has physically hit me other I did not want my mom to leave him and it was because I love my dad and I begged my mother when she made that final decision to leave him I said please he'll change I remember saying how about he lives next door awesome that we went up he pled five hours north and ended up getting checked in and out to the whole mental hospitals and extremely hard time is you know wanting to be okay again wanting that person who hurt you to stop hurting you to say oh my goodness that wasn't me it was all about woman who was conflicted for many reasons like well maybe I deserve to be hit maybe you know part of the peace at this shame is that I did something wrong they was what happened I had great I kind of sort on got good job when on three different dates I became part of the unity church distinctly when I was six my mom said enough and she decided that she would end her relationship with my dad and divorce him uh-huh uh-huh more than anything in the world and he would never ever again do anything to hurt us it's very very powerful impulse in a healing impulse I remember very she was like twenty six twenty seven she had three kids you know it was very difficult for her to leave him for for many reasons but one of them I still he made his way back to me sugars he came back things I think communication is open and we've been able is a beautiful loving part of the relationship if only you will overlook that he struck you in the face three times I thought of course immediately of what we talked our arguments getting so bad after about a year on California's together our arguments had reached a point where there's something very interesting going on in the area of same with you say I you felt ashamed that he hit you point with that issue here isn't love it's abuse and what you mustn't do in this moment is partake of the magical thinking that you can return to and we're only each other but my question is what happens to me when I'm struggling with shame where are we you feel ashamed about that decision is a big red flag for me like if it is true if we want to believe this one version of it really is on your partner that he assaulted you the other piece that you feel ashamed about is that you have taken back and you know the fact that Um it certainly love does not stand any reason to stay together or tolerate this or take them back or forgive him or any of these love is beside the and I think that that's a really common and universal feeling most people think of themselves as strong and able to make good decisions and and he's made all kinds of men's and changes and he's still in process with doing the work to ensure that he'll never do this again okay if that were really about when we talk about love the Beautiful Raymond Carver story where Mel McGinnis this cardiologists relationship a second way was married to an abuser with that sad to me is that the truth of it is every abuser in victim of abuse they love each other love is part of this abuse cycle true and he never does assault anyone again I think that that Shane piece would maybe not be there because this would be something that you would be in some way I feel the sense that you might be putting yourself endanger again that you're complicit with his abusive behaviors really the only way that you can double somebody who has hit me am I think I've never been here for my life. He is acceptable this okay can people is that really I'm sad to say is that is a six year old even though I hated the violence and I would weep and Saab and live in terror of balance and Advocacy Organization designed to end violence against women and children her organization was the driving force behind the passage of the original violence against Women Act question is a deeper question which is you know somebody who has been physically abusive can find a way to curb that behavior and function in a healthy way there's anger and abuse and that's followed by a sudden rush of intimacy and belief in the depth of that love yeah I mean acsi kindness new episodes on Tuesdays subscribe now on Apple podcasts or wherever you listen at least rid yourself of that portion of the shame is to make sure that you hold him accountable for his actions you know underneath this specific to get support was your friends and family or making it a secret that's right and it's also worth asking yourself is a portion of the shame that in even to some extent in my own life who can relate to this mixed feelings you're having I was born in being with lifelines stories of compassion from the southern border we speak to a dedicated group of volunteers making a difference in the lives of asylum seekers searching for WBZ kind world is back with the new season starts is presented to us absolutely I'm curious about her call ends in this series of questions you know I've never been hit before is ons which is this your boyfriend really lost his temper and behaved in a way that he could have never predicted and that he's horrified about yes I think it's possible that somebody can change but I also would say he's already hit you oh struggling we're saying you did nothing you were the victim of a crime that was perpetrated against you and you have none of the the responsibility for it choose good partners and then suddenly there on the other end of the of violent assault there is that sense of like what did I do to get us here right and I want to say to you it's it's shocking and scary when someone you love and trust hurt you so I have to say that occurs thank you and we're just really honored that you're taking the time to talk to us about this complicated situation that this young woman that story and he speaks precisely to what Cheryl is is mentioning struggling with shame which is there is a kind of common cycle where trust your instincts if you're feeling that it might happen again if the arguments and the disparaging behavior and yes it's certainly possible that it might not happen again but it's unlikely and what I would also say is within a loving relationship Steve we have to take a break but when we come back we're gonNA call our guest s to seller she's the president and founder of futures without acceptable is it okay can people change well first of all I'm really sorry that it happened to her and I've heard the story so many times safety insecurity I just can't turn my back on them and I don't think we should listen to Wvu ours kind world a podcast telling stories of extraordinary starts occurring with a repetitive factor. Here pay attention to that because you want to believe that you can make a change that you or away from our friends and family and now we're both out here in California with only each other what's more she says I can't talk to me I didn't want to lose that love and I think one of the saddest lines in this letter to me Shirley was shame is I love him and the reason his negotiating and navigating in the plane light of day right in an in a kind of open way you're protecting his secret by deciding not Dan I think the assessment is what is he doing what work is he doing his he getting the help that he needs and also the first one is you said it's unlikely that he'll never do it again why do you say that well just based on experience one in three women in changed behavior the behavior needs to change by the person who is doing the assaulting yeah so I have a couple of questions based on what you do hello hello is this esta sheriff this is Cheryl strayed yes I'm here with Steve Element Hi hey hi sean and his wife is saying to him through the whole story but mel he loved to make can't you at least grant me that he loved me it's really the most painful moments in that of this man getting checked in and out to a couple of mental hospitals but it's unclear from struggling with shames response she says we in the US has experienced violence and what we know is often not a one time occurrence now this could be a situation where it is I'm somebody who really does look at all the data and it does happen that it is possible so I'm not suggesting that it's possible it is unlikely it wasn't just a bad thing that happened the man that you love proved himself in a moment of stress and anger to be capable of injuring you physically and putting you in danger now I do think that over the last thirty years we have been increasingly success friends I can't talk to my family I can't talk to anybody so you know struggling with shame we're focusing on that because that it sounds figuring out both why he was violent towards you in assaulted you and also why you guys together were unable to resolve arguments they continue to escalate and make a change for him it just doesn't happen that way unfortunately yeah I guess the other question is who's physically it doesn't sound like you have anybody in your life that you're close with WHO's around you're on an island and also there is a mentioned however I mean we've heard so many times show that some He said he was sorry that it would never happen again but that's what he said the last time enable the Hash through what happened communication is open but I think you're talking about measures that are more than just having de part to heart I think you're talking about things needs to actively try to heal manage and ensure that it will not reappear before you should let him anywhere near your heart sure and both of you he in particular but both of you have to reckon with that he has a a dangerous part of his personality that he let alone your body yeah well first of all on is he getting help my question would be what kind of help us get that's what I would worry about is are you with a person and you're isolated with in that relationship and he is the only person that you're real in your life to give you support your friends your co worker so that you have a support system around you and you're not isolated ears it's called the national domestic violence hotline and it's available twenty four seven I actually know the number by heart it's one eight hundred six we members because of the shame I would also encourage the listener to seek help to seek some whether it's a friend a coworker seven nine nine seven two three three and they have trained counselors who can help this what is he doing in terms of working on the fact that he hurt you and hit you you can love someone but you can't will the connecting to that I would be concerned about well unfortunately as we heard from struggling with shame we moved across the country together person struggle with the fact that she's living with the shame and not talking to anybody and if you are continuing to be in this relationship with the violence that he obviously expressed and the second thing is by not speaking to other friends and family one thousand nine hundred four after the break we'll give her a call great is that he made his way back to me he came back and I thought that was an odd sort of way to put it because it implies that somehow he'd abandoned and ship for instance struggling with shame tells us that we both loved each other very very much it seems that neither of US could figure out why our arguments were getting her if she's a member of a religious organization or there's also a resource that's absolutely fantastic that has been around now for over twenty five or thirty Louise's struggling with shame as is doing pretty well you know she's getting jobs she's going on dates she becomes part of a church community and then she tells us her as opposed to he'd hit her in the face three times I guess what I'm wondering is and I don't WanNa make too much of struggling with shame knows her own circumstances better than like is quite a dangerous situation to be in to put it bluntly you're keeping a silence around this abuse and you're in a circumstance where do but the way that it's presented to us not I let him back into my life or I decided that even though he had had this outburst he convinced me through X Y and Z statement of what he was doing to try to rectify the problem to deal with the anger and its expression as violence it doesn't work every time absolutely not but does it work more often than not increasingly so I would really encourage the listener to so bad so there's this escalation of recrimination and anger that leads to this violent outburst and then once actually this partner did you live through that too Roy thank you I'm sorry I I think it's wrong I therefore consented to being back in the relationship I took him back the way she puts it is just the opposite it's as if he fled somewhere and it's just enough for him nick is he seeking therapy is he seeking medication if that might be helpful is he managing his mental health and the extent to which he's doing the difficult work of I don't think it's acceptable I think that's why we worked on the violence against Women Act and early on we said it's not acceptable it's criminal somebody might be forgiven for this and their relationship can continue many people commented on my instagram on my facebook for saying oh no no you know please don't tell you don't want to be in a relationship that you were ashamed of there are a lot of unanswered questions about this relation that's what I I think I I personally feel like it's unacceptable there's no excuse and in many cases is actually criminal behavior so you better beware of that but I don't want to judge the person who decides to try to make it work and I to encourage the love in her life to seek help in a community that they are currently living in so he has the tools to about being somebody who is on the other end of of these letters and calls is the perfect scenario is is nobody perpetrates violence against anyone is nope one incidents of physical violence and it's over and what it was interesting to me when I even proposed or hinted at the things really if I'm going to be perfectly frank I would say no it's not okay and you said this relationship and you should do it now and I'm just me you're going to condone this by saying such an act can be forgiven and I felt defensive because I must say I'm like that's right my instant I do terrible things to each other people often do go back to somebody who has abuse them so the reality the ideal is zero tolerance the reality is in preparing for the season I posted something on my social media you can we ever forgive physical violence in a relationship and you know I'm a longtime in feminism and my father abused my mother in front of me and my siblings Allott and terribly so and one of the lines that I've always held savior it has to stop and there's no excuse so on the other hand I don't WANNA judge everybody in a way that says if it happened once that a lot of people have endured tolerate this sort of stuff and their relationships and they're left to grapple with it which is why I think this young woman called us because she use physical violence is not acceptable it's just active that's right well S. Two thank you so much for ask yourself are you the one working on this or is he right exactly yeah yeah and also saying sorry is not is not the Work Korea about you know we're we're you fall when it comes to the kind of doctrine right well and I'm sorry taking the time to talk to us it was really enlightening and we appreciate the good work you've done on this issue thank you have a good evening bye alone she can't talk about it it's shameful to talk about and you know I want her to hear loud and clear that we we are advocating for zero tolerance were were afraid for role in providing resources to men who have used violence to figure out effective strategies to stop the violence. I WanNa say that you absolutely should not go on that journey I I will tell you I think it's likely to happen again and that's not okay and yeah absolutely without entangling yourself with him romantically I don't think that forgiveness always means taking somebody all the way back a lot of times it just means Eh and we're trying to happen but what we know and as our caller said love is not

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