My name is Danny Shapiro. The host family secrets three years ago. I took a DNA test and this test meant to be a fun exploration of my family history turned up a massive family secret. I wasn't who I thought I was join me and my guests in the journey of family secrets was into family secrets on apple podcasts the iheartradio app or you get your podcasts. And if you want to read about my family secret, my new memoir. Inheritance is available. Wherever books are sold. Suck. It. Dating with dean Vanessa Jared. An iheartradio podcast. Hello one. And all and welcome to an all new episode of help. I suck at dating. My name is Jared Hebron dean angler is not in studio. I think he's Japan right now, there's not in country. He's not in country. He might not be on planet earth. We don't know cannot confirm nor deny eastern markets in studio. The beautiful Vanessa Gamal the. Having to. As well from another country as well a little country node as Canadian that's. My plaid shirt, you're very Canadian. I like blood Plaid's nice. But we have a very important announcement right now, we just received breaking news that just happened five minutes ago guys in the dating world. It's incredible sad. But also, maybe a little happy lady Gaga and her fiance. Christian core Carino have ended their engagement. Oh now, this is big news because the entire world. After seeing a star is born. I'm pretty sure is shipping. The relationship between lady Gaga. I'm Bradley Cooper. And here is one step towards Bradley Cooper and lady Gaga finally becoming the couple everybody in the United States. And all around the world really wants to happen is Bradley Cooper single. No. I'll come on don't put that energy onto him. I know I feel bad. But honestly, because here's the thing Ashley has been behind this the whole time like thinking that they're actually in love. There was actually a rumor a couple of days ago that lady Gaga got a tattoo. That was a secret. Shoutout to Bradley Cooper on and off you saw this. But she got a tattoo on what appears to be her arm her forearm. And it's music notes. Yes, she's also musician. That is true. Yes. And apparently the notes spell GI Gaga is four notes on there. But somebody tweeted that they must they had information that apparently the note spelling Gaga in the treble cliff. I'm hoping I'm pronouncing that credit. That's good spell BC BC in the base cliff and be CBC. Bradley Cooper, Bradley Cooper. Listen. I'm not saying it. I'm just reading what's on the internet. Okay. Guys, all of a sudden lady Gaga ends her engagement. She's getting tattoos that could alluded Bradley Cooper. I've been against it this entire time. Let them live their lives. Let them be happy. But now, it's like, okay. Well, she entered engagement Bradley still with someone. Bradley with a stunning woman stunning woman. I hope he's very happy together to as well. But you know, what look at Orlando bloom end, Katy Perry. They ended their relationship and now back together in no together engaged in gauge. He engagement ring for a second. I want to talk about what are your thoughts on it. So the he was engaged who was engaged to previous to Katy Perry. It was on the guy from getting to the Greek. Grant wasn't end. Russell brand. Now. Lady Gaga, I'm saying. Wasn't Miranda Kerr? Ronda Kerr and Miranda Kerr's ring looks like a flower like there's a diamond in the middle and those diamonds all around. And if you look at katie's Katy Perry's new engagement ring, given from Bradley from Orlando bloom looks basically the same just different goes. Yes. I'm looking at two pictures right now, I'm looking at maranda thing. Oh, I'm looking I'm looking, but they're different colors different styles. It's not this. No, it's the exact same style. Well to say flour. Yeah. But the flowers are completely different. I mean, all right. Here's the thing. It does apparently her the maranda what's her name Orlando Marinda Kerr's ring. I don't see the flower. I guess it has a little bit of a flower shape with the diamond in the middle. And then Katy Perry's new ring is the same. It's the same shape, but just different colors, but also like a different style because hers has like hers at K Peiris looks bigger. And there's like it's like the coloring what kind of flower would that be what kind of flowers? Katy Perry's engagement ring. Basically, a flower when kids draw flowers on a piece of paper, you draw a circle. And then you just circles all around that circle. So you trying to say the Orlando Br bloom gave and engagement ring to Katy Perry that resembles the illustrations greater girl scout cookie to me. Yeah. Now hungry I could see a girl cookie. I guess I don't see the flower on the first engagement ring. I don't it. Just send you the picture. I've seen it on the looking at right now it just looks like a big, dude. So we don't really can't. So if you got this from guy, and you knew he'd given the other one to a previous fiance. This would bother you. I mean, if it was if it was the actual same ring then. Yeah, I'd be like dude similar is what you're looking at right now now. No if it was similar, that's fine. But I would like him to be a little bit more creative. Maybe this is it's favorite style of rings. So we'll obviously what was there when he aged with Miranda. Was there talk of a flower shaped ring, or is this is all coming out now because they resemble each other. It's all coming out now because they resemble each other interesting. I wonder if even thought about it. I wonder if he was like, oh, yeah. I got not. I mean, I'm assuming not I don't know. I don't think it's that bad. I don't think it's that that crazy. Do you think it's crazy though that are not crazy? Do you think it's a good idea for people to break up and then get back together? Again, sure, didn't Justin Timberlake in Jessica Biel. Is a bunch of people who did that. Yeah. Actually surprisingly enough. I was researching this and Kelly Ripa and Mark swallows name as well as yeah. They broke up a day before they got. So they broke up and then they got back together. And then the day after they got back together that you loped and have been together for I don't know how many years, you can't truly know unless you let it go through something to that. There is avian. I broke up for literally less than forty eight hours lager. Daddy, long point. But I do that about Raica. Maybe not you could argue that. But at the moment, it felt very major and upsetting. But it also made us both realize that this is STAN how long were you guys together when this break up occurred. I would say three years so. Significant. Yeah. Were you guys married yet? No, okay. Yeah. I'm I I know a very healthy couple now that have been married for very long time that broke up years back for a few months and realized that they couldn't live without one another. I think I think people have a there's like a bad taste in people's mouth when they realize a couple broke up and now they're back together. Because maybe there's a trust issue or people think there is. But man, there's something to be said about appreciating somebody else, you can't really appreciate them unless you experience life without them. Do you agree look at? Yeah. I mean, look Justin Bieber and Haley, Baldwin Miley Cyrus and Liam just got married and they were engaged, and they broke their engagement out there, married. Yeah. So I think it I think it comes down to how you view relationships. I'm someone that was very black and white growing up in my twenty. As and now coming off of the bachelor, and you know, just being able to be open to different types of relationships has shaped me into someone that is open to that kind of. Greystone where a meeting on the life is happening in the gray. I know it's so I'm trying I know it's a it's a big struggle of mine to swim in the areas of gray. And I'm really trying to get better at you gotta swim in it. You gotta breathe in it. You gotta really just trying. I I'm admitting it though, that's a, you know, hey, the first step in solving. A problem is realizing that there is one. Also, you said hilly Baldwin did Haley never changed her name. She's not Haley Bieber. She's just Haley Baldwin fixtures. Haley Bieber is that she's Haley eastern. You're nodding your head as if you know. Handling of the kind of thing that he's the no Hebrew Baldwin. It is Haley Bieber Instagram her legal name knows Haley road Bieber. I didn't know that which is actually a full sentence. So they're still together though. Right. Because I heard rumors that they were. I mean, I knew that they were going to counseling, and they were very open about thing. It is a very beautiful thing. I hope they're doing. All right. I suggest counselling at before hits the fan and a relationship 'cause that's when you have to start undoing a mess undoing so much hurt that's been done to to people. It's gone. Yeah. I think couples therapy is great when you're like getting to know each other super excited, and you know, working on yourself in working on the relationship. I think that's for me. At least it's a it's a makes me feel very optimistic about a relationship because that means that person is willing to put in the work and not run away. If. Get tough. It's kind of like trying to stop a cold before occurs. You know, how your throat starts getting a little itchy. It's a little irritated. You. Don't want it to get worse. Cam right away. Yeah. You know, you gotta get that emergency emergency. Really hits the fan. So what would you say to people who would say if you have to be in therapy when you're still dating? Well, they're married. You don't need to therapy with. Have a good devil's advocate thrown out there. Yeah. I don't agree with that. Because then I think you're kind of taking the easy road out. It's the grass is greener on the other side mentality. I compare it to we we live in a society. That's so superficial. Like, you know, we put on our bestself on Instagram these filters, we put on Instagram and all these things that we do to ourselves physically going to the gym and eating well to look good. But what's really happening internally what's happening in our head? And why are we working on exercising? Our feelings and exercising our communication skills and bettering that and I think it's still seen as a sign of. Oh, well, your relationship is not really strong. If you're going to therapy and being able to be open to talk about that. That means you guys really have issues. No, it means like I'm going to the gym for my brain. And so is my friend. I also think commitment is a choice. And so when you commit yourself to someone if things. Are going poorly. You should do what you need to do to try to fix those things. And that includes therapy. And I don't think it's necessarily just fixing. I think is just checking in right? When you're one of the Jimmy not really fixing anything, you are fixing fixing this thing if I'm going to the gym you could be maintaining as well. Right because they're not just going to go. And then stop because then what ends up happening. You're one hundred percent LA ex. So it's about men -taining. And I think it's it's such a beautiful thing. And I'm so grateful that I did it while on the bachelor, and that's like one of my biggest takeaways from the show is it they're happy. I did we have some wonderful guest coming up in this episode of the podcast. We have the author of a new book called a terrible dater Sabrina must and then we also have coming in later on life coach, Mike. Bayer. He's also known as coach Mike who just wrote a book called bestself be you only better. He's actually a guest on Dr Phil week. Mar. So we're very excited. He treats celebrities like Jennifer Lopez. So he's a big deal. We're very excited for him to come into the podcast today. I feel like it's going to be a really enlightening podcast, and it's going to be an incredibly enlightening podcasts. And we actually have Sabrina must coming up in just a moment. Who really has time to go to the post office these days, it's always busy. There's always traffic getting there you've got to find parking. You're lugging all your mail in your packages. It's a real hassle. That's why you guys need to go to stamps dot com today stamps dot com brings all the amazing services of the US postal service right to your computer. Whether you're small office sending invoices and online seller shipping products. Or even a warehouse, sending thousands of packages a day stamps dot com can handle it all with ease. Simply use your computer to print office US postage twenty four seven for any letter and he package any class of male anywhere. You want to send it once? Your mail is ready just handed to your mail carrier or drop it in a mailbox. It's really that. Simple was dams dot com. You get five cents off every first class stamp and up to forty percents off priority mail, not to mention it's a fraction of the cost of those expensive postage meters. Absolutely. And I just written a new book together, it's called Lucienne Clark, a story of puppy love. And we've been sending to the book to all our friends and family. But so instead of us making tons of trips back and forth to the post office. We've been using stamps dot com, and it's made our life so much easier. So right now, our listeners can get a special offer that includes a four week trial, plus free postage and a digital scale without any long term commitment. All you have to do is go to stamps dot com. You click on the microphone at the top of the homepage in type in dean. That's D E A N oil did do guys go to stamps dot com. Enter D E A N at the top of the microphone. You're getting a four week trial, plus free postage and a digital scale. No, long term commitment, go to stamps dot com. Enter dean to try it out today. On the line joining us rate. Now, we have the author of the new book called a terrible dater Sabrina must is on the line. Sabrina are you there? Yeah. Greenough Sabrina, that's such a great name. Because obviously reminds me of Sabrina the teenage which which was the big show in my growing year. So Sabrina tell us a little bit about yourself. And then tell us about your book. Yeah. Yeah. I'm from Michigan. I'm actually here right now in my parents house it's freezing here, but I live in San Diego and the new book, I, you know, I haven't come out with a new book in about seven or eight years, and I do a lot of blogging and run a content company, and then obviously write books and the book is really it's not just for singles. It's about what are we taught about dating and courtship and all the ridiculousness that kind of goes along with that. And it kind of is the message of empowerment and discovery, but it has a lot of ridiculous anecdotes over the air. So very fun. And you know, humorous, and I mean, it's dating who who doesn't have a lot of ridiculous stories. Oh, no. Yeah. I know I do. I wanted to how did you start? So I see that you you have a blog, and you travel a lot. How did you become a writer? I know the story if you want to share that story find it so empowering, the, you know, it's funny. I had I so I went to school out east in Baltimore and Hopkins head at a writing seminars program, it's like a pretty prestigious writing program, but I I was one of the few in the whole program that did have this like master plan to become an author. I kinda did the degree because I liked all the distribution classes, and I didn't wanna do international relations anyways. So about a month before I was finishing up. My oldest sister died committed suicide and I moved back to Michigan. And I just kind of started writing which turned into this book called musk rose off. It's my first book, and it's very intense. It's a very different in some ways. There's a similarity. Because it's still memoir, and it's still very Ron honest, and like a terrible data, but it's very intense. And I always kind of practice that for anyone. But I just kind of that was like my outlet. And then I started writing the living witnesses the holocaust survivor publication with my mom. She's a photographer, and it just kind of everything just kind of you know, like just one foot after the next and just kind of fell into it. But not you know, the life trajectory so to speak that I had kind of plan. So yeah, it, you know, it's you you always I did a lot of things that weren't healthy for me in terms of grief, and then of things that were really healthy. And this was like one of those things. So did you find writing was therapeutic way free to maybe kinda reconnected because it was a loss of connection? And that was your way of grieving a hundred percent. It was it was the best way that I could. Have spent extended especially those first two years, they were some of the most like they the most intense in my life, and it a lot of it was selfish. Like, it was the way that I was grieving. And then knowing that I was going to help someone else that didn't understand what was going on when they were going to eventually grief, someone that was very close to them. And then on you know, on the flip side people that have never lost someone close for them to have kind of an insider, look of, hey, this is what's really going on? And, you know, once like, I'm I'm Jewish so we'll not religious, but you know, once Shiva's over one, I don't know all the different denominations like how they kind of grieve around funerals. But once everyone go home in a month later, and everyone forgets about it. Oh, yeah. That's right. This like livestock grad wanted me really have spoke about this. Before on the podcast and the seven stage of grieving and how you can get stuck in one stage and your story so powerful, and you sound like such an amazing influence for for women and men and everyone out there. So I'm I want to say thank you for sharing your story because it is a powerful one. And now, you're diving into the relationship aspects of things, and I want to ask you, what does a healthy relationship. Look for you. Yeah. You know, it's been it that in itself is kind of Penton Jeremy over the years and kind of deconstructing everything that I was taught in in. My parents are still together they love each other. Do they have the healthiest relationship? Hell, no. You know? My dad is I love him. But he's overly reactive, and my mom does her own Yang. And and so you take all these examples around you. And then you take all the knowledge that Tonle thrown at you or people say that it's knowledge for media. And from the all the movies been everyone else that considers them dating enact. And then all of a sudden, you have to go, well shoot I that didn't really gives his in real life. Did. So I totally get you. And so then suddenly over the years, and I do I think some of it just kinda comes with age and failing a million times until you go. Oh, like, this is what a healthy relationship is. And I don't think that you know, what it is until you're in it. I I you brought up a really good point as you as you grow up, and you see your parents interact, and you see people like Disney movies, and all these romantic stories that end up in a really happy ending. And but you don't see what actually happens behind closed doors, and we emulate someone else's love story as we grew up. At least I know I did I've talked about my parents divorce and how hard it was. I was eighteen when they got divorced and I did therapy therapy session last night with my therapist. And we went through like why I have some sort of trust issues in how it dates back to over ten years ago of something that happened so significant that I I guess I tried to brush over and thank you know, I was over at by people. It was parts of it that I still needed to work on. I love that. This book is not only for single people. It's for basically anyone that wants to fall in love and wants to find that connection. Brutal. Yet, you guys talked about emulating movies TV shows a lot of accused the bachelor of being a part of that of casing love that isn't really possible in teaching. People, you know, giving an example of what love should be. But giving a bad example. I think a lot of people don't hate bachelor like that because Sabrina talk false truth while I'm not saying, that's that's what it is or not. But I'm just saying what people have said because Sabrina say the lack of dating education is that what you mean by that like every what people say impulsive wave. I think that we can define that in a lot of different. I, you know, going to the bachelor I within if you're in the fought light. And they're someone could see a false in what you're doing. Whether it's a show or a person or whatever people at times like, oh, this is the reason like IRNA year to blame. And the reality is, you know, if you take with I'm having been on the bachelor, I have actually funny story where like I actually was act. Like, I dish it at the end kind of thing. But no, let's see it was two years ago. And we get my eyes. Yeah. You know, it was like last minute. I it was end of August. They had me drive up to LA on my friend, who's a comedian LA new one of the producers, and they like look me over they were really interested. And they looked at me as I was leaving the go. We gotta say you're kinda breath of fresh air because I kept seeing all these ridiculous. These women coming in that were so different for me. You know, like, I was definitely over the hill kind of in bachelor years, and it, you know, they said to me at the end they're like, we just try to fit. We basically try to fit a puzzle. So every every person is a character. And it just didn't work out for whatever reason, but interesting experience, but you know, if you remove the TV, you know, or the cameras. I know that a lot of people go on the show just because they want to fame or whatever they have alterior motive. But the reality is people fall in love like that all the time like very quick, they don't really get to know each other at the beginning, you know. And and so you can't really blame the bachelor I think that it's really stems from years and years and years of building this up as you want that spark in that fast romance. And you know, it's like the go-to baguettes and get like elope kind of fan. They it's not just the bachelor thing like bachelor create that ideal of immediate love, it just you know, kind of perpetuated that, but I think it's possible. I just think it's more rare than it is, you know, reality better educate, everybody on dating. What's I really think it comes down to? I think one of my biggest things when it comes to dating. Is. It's kind of about Tinus and in realizing that it's enough. It's like it's a human being that you're interacting with. And so when you no longer I've always said to people like I'm not so concerned with how someone is when I'm dating him. I'm concerned how he treats me after. And that tells me so much more about the permits when you're hurt and or vibe hurt your ego or hurt me like how we treat one another human beings. And so and kids if we can really treat each other leg or teach these children how to sound like a preacher it if we keep kids better about listen. This is what's this is what empathy is, and this is how you actually communicate with another human being. And when you're not interested needle business, really what you should say to them. Not just go them or be mean to them or put them down or humiliate them, and it, and I think that one. You kind of it becomes a domino effect where people actually start being nicer to one another and not seen as something like a personal attack. It's just hey, we just didn't work out. And you know, and I I mean there there's a lot of different so yeah. But when we talk about breakups, though, like ego always gets in the way, right because you for a huge factor. And I think once you allow yourself to really see, okay. We'll obviously if this person doesn't wanna be with me. And there's a reason why we're not working out. Then why am I trying to fight for it? And then you start to rationalize like, okay makes sense that we're not together. But I think initially at least for me, I admit it my eagles like what? Over started. I not see this coming. Yeah. But again, some of that is like doing the work on yourself is like cliche as that sounds and and having more experiences as an adult where you learn to kind of separate. Okay. Is this is just my ego. Or is this actually like what like what's reality here in an Ryan my heard, or why do I think this person is the right person for me? I mean, you know, I I mean, the amount of times that I like it myself a head where I was just so set on wanting to be with a particular man, and he didn't want me. And I'm sitting there going. No, you're just wrong. Like, maybe not even him just to my friends going. He's wrong. You know? I I just he's gonna realize how cool I am. Does he has a front of him? Stupid. We're all stupid Sabrina is a terrible data the title. Where'd that? Come from. Are you the tower dater, I think that people? Yes. So yes, I don't necessarily. I was just on a did a little TV thing in Detroit this morning, and they introduce the book as a self-proclaimed terrible day in. And I got a kick out of that. I was actually today on my couch working with one of my interns and worth ROY. And she'd just read it like a few days before and we're throwing away then I could not come up with what do I title this supposed to months ago, and all of a sudden she like grow a version of that. And I was like, well what about terrible there? And we both each other like, yes. And a lot of people would say I had a conversation after the fact with my best friend, who's a course heard all my dating, you know, disasters and give me as ice over the years, and I for her, and and I was like, well, maybe the title doesn't really work like, I'm not bat bad. And she looked. She was like Sabrina you are terrible. But what what makes you terrible dating because I don't follow the rules. I just say things that I don't I think that most people just they don't. Or in? I don't think I think in some ways that makes me good dater, but he doesn't ever enough? Not. What does not the norm the guy? It's not the norm. Yeah. I break social norms a lot when I'm dating and it kinda catches people off guard. Yeah. Can't break in them. And then a guy will come around guy will smart. I have a boyfriend right now. And he's in. Yeah. No. I mean, you're gonna terrible dater. I know what there's a lot of situations like brass. What I was supposed to do. Well, we really appreciate you coming in Sabrina. Thank you so much for joining us. So your book terrible data can be found where can it be found Amazon Barnes and nobles all that stuff, and we're getting into some of the bookstores, but if you just go if you go to my site them us dot com, there's links to order directly from the site or to go to Amazon kindle paperback kind of all the normal spot. So and you. Parties to write coming ideal. So we're I'm in Michigan right now, Detroit suburbs were throwing one on Thursday, which should be super fun. It's in Birmingham, Michigan. If anyone lives there at Dicko Dow's and then next next Thursday on the twenty eighth in San Diego. We're doing it at I fly, which is like the indoor skydiving but willing by divers in the tube should be super fun. Maybe you could just throw two people in at skydiving at the same time and see sparks flying. Really good idea. A a great test. Do that. Now bruna. Thank you so much again for joining us. You're awesome. Guys, you go. Check out. More of what's Breen is up to by checking her website, Sabrina Sabrina must dot com. That's where her lifestyle blog is. It's where you can get a book. We appreciate it. Thanks so much guys. Thank you Sabrina. She was very sweet I like her a lot. I like her reasoning of how people can get better at dating is simply just being kind to one another. It's the it's just the most subtle and obvious thing. But with his trip kind I think my take on it is obviously kindness, but just being transparent and not hiding at least. That's what I look for in a relationship at the beginning. I talk about this all the time where people feel like they're on. It's an audition auditioning process, and they're trying to be a version of themselves at they're not or part of themselves. That's only like. Ten percent. But that's a ten percent at the person through dating is absolutely in love with. And then they try to prolong this part of them. That's not really fully them in any only get to know that year two years down the line. That's what happened with the next of mine who for two years and a half said that he wanted kids. I think that's what happened was everybody. A lot of people. That's why a lot of people including ourselves say that you have to know someone for at least a year before even thinking about engaged. I don't even know. I mean people I don't know Mark. What do you think about that? He's Dan I'm a fan of the longer. Engage. Log a relationship before engagement because I don't see any downside to it. There's plenty of downside of rushing into some. And there's no downside of aiding somebody for three or four years before you get engaged must have biological clock is ticking. I want an not thinking biological clock. I'm just thinking people will always have not always I take that back. But I people change throughout the years. And if they're not fully working on what's happening internally with themselves, and they'll always be that same person if you marry them three months in four years in by decades and you'll find out what's really happening within them. Once they're ready to unleash it. Well, that's the tough part about relationships. Venice even mentioned it people special. On the first first couple of days, they only show the best version on themselves. And then as you get more comfortable with each other, your true herself starts coming out, more and more. But on top of that, I feel like people evolve people change like Mark. Are you the same guy that you were when you first got married? Definitely not because I do think it's a women's job the train there, man. Get rid of a much better per minute watch. That's the correct answer. My wife. Job. Have you has your wife changed as a personal? I think so. Yeah, I think motherhood changes a person pretty dramatically. So does that change your love at all? Because that's what always been on my mind is that I feel like I'm a different man. Now that I wanted to when I was twenty five, and I'm assuming I'll be a different man when with thirty five than I am now having said that is that mean, my relationship with Ashley will be different when my love for her be different. It's just an interesting concept that I haven't experienced it. I think because you've changed you've changed in a way to accept different women in your life. So maybe if you were twenty four years old, you probably wouldn't have dated someone like Ashley. But now that you are more mature, and you know, you've experienced more in your life. You were ready to date a woman like Ashley. Yes, I agree. But I guess I'm projecting it to the future in questioning what kind of a change how will it change? And I think Mark you can answer. What would I have found after twenty two years with my wife? Is that you both change change together. It's like an evolutionary process as a couple. But I also find that when my wife, and I get away from the kids enough time to travel just the two of us. It's amazing. How quickly we our kids. Again, how quickly I was you know, when we were twenties and dating that's what it feels like the second. We get away from our kids we go. We went to Toronto a year or two ago. We went to London when we get time to ourselves. It's amazing. How quickly it comes back. How quickly revert to those two kids that would young and in love and dating and that's exciting. We earned vacation. Do. Well, I mean, it's a long story. But we were our parents are living, Wisconsin. So we're leaving the kids in Wisconsin get we didn't want to go too far away not going to go to Italy. Right. But Toronto's a whole other country. It's like a, you know, there's an exotic nece to that. But anyway, that was the whole idea. But that's what I love how quick Macron's back. That's really durable. I think you'll find the same one day. I hope so I hope take over every part of your life. That's what everybody keeps telling us that they want us to have kids. But please, wait. Because as soon as you have kids your entire life is different. So we're excited, but also very nervous. Yeah. Yeah. I'm afraid that I'll just never sleep again. We don't all have the same hair. So why should we use all the same shampoo and conditioner function of beauty brings you shampoos and conditioners that are customized and individually filled. Just for you. I have mine. I'm obsessed with mine. I keep getting questions about my hair. Well, I'm gonna share all my secrets with you today function of beauty addresses all of your hair concerns. Not just one most drugstore brands only address a single concern like volume is or strengthen with function of beauty. You can choose up to five hair goals to add to your formulation. And it's made with safe and natural ingredients function of beauty never use a cell face parabens mineral oils or any other harmful ingredients, and it's vegan and cruelty free. The sad reality is most drugstore brands test on animals, but function of beauty is one hundred per cent vegan end cruelty free. I took the quiz and chose. Thermo protectant hydrate. Strengthen n volume is for what I wanted for my hair after that you get to pick the color for your shampoo and conditioner. So I decided to go with pink to go with my favorite scent. Wildflower mixed sent called flower power. I guess now obsessive hours I've been telling you my hair is so much healthier and stronger in this the reason why function of beauty's my secret. Even my boyfriend asked me what I've been doing differently. So listeners you will receive twenty percent off your first custom formula to claim go to function of beauty dot com. That's F U N C T I O N O F B E A U T, Y dot com and take the two minute quiz for your hair profile to design your one hundred percent, unique shampoo and conditioner formulas use codeine that's DA N at checkout for twenty percent off your first order of function of beauty dot com. That's using code dean d. E A N at checkout for twenty percent off your first order at function of beauty dot com. And we have another very special guest that has joined us in studio the very larger than life. Yes. A life coach himself, Mike. Bayer my saying Mike bear. Yeah. They're the ass. Yeah. Such a huge fan of yours when I found out you were coming on because I've seen you on Dr Phil I know you've worked with like jaylo who's like my ultimate hero and idol. And so I'm super excited about this. You have an amazing backstory, which I know a little bit about. And I guess can you give us a little bit of a history as to how you became who. You are today because it's such a powerful story in your journey is so incredible touching. Grab me too and talking to you from afar. Only about three thousand miles. Yeah. Well, cold. I mean, I think we all we all have stories and kind of where we ended up today. So a little bit about mine is I grew up in Orange County, California grew up in athlete win to a high school called modern day, which is a big athletic school. Grateful monarch. Yes, the monarchs sport. Did you play basketball and football player? I was just about set up. Yeah. I couldn't I had to work. I would say I I did a lot of pump fakes I wasn't a so much, you know, donkey on people, but whatever he thinks. And so I went as a walk on the Fordham, I was already partying in high school. But by the time, I went out to New York. I got heavily addicted to drugs and even more. So which was just talking to someone earlier today. Just interesting since marijuana's been legal the amount of people we see who come in with marijuana problems as opposed to before has just kind of interesting jumped up. Yeah. Yeah. It's jumped up a lot. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I know a lot of people don't want to believe it. But I mean, it makes sense. I see more people in our. Yeah. In terms of more people losing themselves and being depressed or anxious or paranoid. I mean, a lot of people who started smoking two three years ago. So they're they're they're in their thirties where as before when it wasn't legal used to see young adults or people have been doing number twenty plus years. So anyways, I mean long story short addicted to math. And eventually went through treatment a few times the last time I went through this final program. And when I got sober almost seventeen years ago. I started working as a counselor that evolved, I started doing interventions. I started getting flown around the world really to help people who are in crisis and didn't wanna get well. And then I opened up a treatment center in West Hollywood called cast centers. And yeah, just my careers of all the lot. And so I work with all different types of people and Amman Dr Phil every week. I saw that. That's pretty awesome. Yeah. He's my coach. So he's my mentor. I'm with them every week. And how did that come about? Well, I I had a charity. I through these like on music tours. It was called cast on tour. So I through these personal development free events. So I would have like, you know, the mayor Boston's become Boston and. Iggy azalea would speak in Brooklyn or we try to get influencers to make it cool. And a he his team reached out to speak in LA. And we kind of had a moment where I met him. And I don't he's like a unicorn to me, you know, they don't come around a lot. But you know, when you have chemistry with someone, and you just kind of our like like going to be best friends. Yeah. Like, I don't even think until I met him. I even looked up to a lot of people in my career like I just with him. He's he's brilliant to me and. So he asked me if I want to jump on the show and has said, yeah. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. If Dr Phil asked you to be on his show, you say, yes. Yes. Always say. Yes, always. Yeah. And he's he's a great. He's been my mentor now. So you got me to write the book he wrote the forward to bestself, and it's been a New York Times bestseller for congratulations on that or out last six weeks. So it's just been amazing. Awesome. Yeah. So the title of the book is bestself. Yes. You only better you got it. So in regards to dating. Yes. What I find an what I'll do with a lot of couples is we create what's called their bestself in the relationship or when they're dating and we create what's called their anti self. So the best self is like who you authentically are when your feelings aren't hurt when year authentically you, and you create a character because I always parents give us our names. But I like to kind of be fantasy a little bit about who who are we at a deeper level. And then our anti self is part of us that comes out whether it be dating or relationships. So I have people draw describe it and own it, and I find that's a really good way for people to work on their ego. You know, instead of calling someone insecure on a date or because I know you guys give a lot of Dane advise or helping a lot of people. I find that. Sometimes it's helpful for someone to just tap into who they truly are. And not worry so much about even the other person liking them or not what do you think of ego? In what context in the context of whether it's good or bad, or because you just said something that kind of you said that you have people draw. Right. They're they're better yourself bestself there. What other self anti-south anti-south, but they knew said they draw their anti self to help control their ego. Well, when when I talk about ego, I'm talking about ego. Not Freudian ego. It's more like fear. Anything that keeps us feeling not truly ourselves. Because I think for me ego. I've always questioned myself and why I get so defensive certain towards certain things, you're anti self or anti south. Yeah. So if you got I would. I get defensive sometimes if you're, you know, even on dump stuffs, but it will just trigger me. And then I'll get defensive and then ten minutes later. I'll think to myself. Why did I get so mad about that? In the moment. Or is my. God. All right. So. Deep Notre Dame. But I since being engaged I haven't been working out as much I don't feel as confident in myself anymore. Right. As of right now, you know, put on a compounds loss little definition and Ashley was kind of joking. And she said that like, oh, I have a pouch. And I got so mad and the cameras are cute. Maybe she's calling. You a kangaroo. Well, it wasn't do was just joking thing that it was like a light hearted moment that I just took the wrong way. And I got defensive because my ego got the best me because I was like I I don't have that. I didn't put that much weight on. Well. And so but ten minutes later, I was able to control myself and realized why the hell was I mad at that? She was joking. It was a lighthearted moment that I completely took the wrong way. Right. That's an example, small one. But in an example. Yeah. I mean, I think that may not cause a lot of. Tension in your relationship. Small and that literally just came to mind. Yeah. Normally, it's it's a continual pattern like it's where you could constantly feel insecure or not feeling enough. Right. And I like to create those voices and really give them a name. And that's what I call the anti self which I've found is help people out tremendously. If you if you do the exercise that really help somebody get this name the pouch. I don't know if this is your anti-south. I mean think about to me it's more that was a very surface. You know, a deeper one Vanessa, I don't know if you have one to top of your head. Well, I mean, I guess there's something that you already come into the relationship feeling insecure about and if someone highlights that then you're going to feel defensive about it. And I think we're Mike I wanted to ask you, you know, childhood years are such a critical stage in our lives. And we we look up to our parents. And that's basically how we end up learning how to talk and act we just imitate and saw what point I guess at what point can we undo some of that? Wiring that we did in our brains that make us who we are today. But we wanna also better that part that we're not proud of. I guess our self. Yeah. I mean, there's some parts of us were really happy that our parents provided for us even could be genetically and other areas, we're like, oh my gosh. That sucked to grow up. Yeah. Like, I really started to program me. And then the, you know, I'm actually going out to an elementary school in a week to do kind of these exercises with the kids because tear point this isn't taught in schools. And so we end up. As we mature. And get to the point where we're like, oh, I really need to change something about myself because this is getting in the way or but. Yeah. People do change. I mean, I've seen show many people change. But it takes work perfect example of that. I have changed a lot. You know? I always we're all working progress though, you know, it's just the I maybe had darker thoughts towards myself than other people had. But I think that knowing owning those parts of ourselves that are keeping us from having a healthier relationship is really important. So would you say it's kind of practice makes perfect because when you talk about writing your anti-south out, and describing what those things are trying to be aware of what they are. So when they have I'm assuming so when they happen, you're aware that it's happening in the moment. Yeah. We could try it. If you want share. So this is ever. No. But we could do that too early years exercise. Okay. Well, so this is what we'll do. Anyone listening can do this? And that way, you don't have to buy the book, but you will get more out of it. You should still by the book, but the book is like a workbook. So you'll Mark it all up, but what you want to start off first what you wanna do. And I just did this like I just did this last week. And this isn't me name-dropping. I just think it's really cool. I got Joe and Sophie to do it. Oh, that's Joe Jonas. Yes. Yes. And so if he turned her, I'm up to date on my pop culture. Yeah. So we call it the best self challenge and the challenges which I'm trying to make it a cool thing. Kind of like what I was doing with the previous events. I was doing. Yeah. I'm always into like, how do we make it cool to work on yourself? You have to I know otherwise it's off on on yourself. And it's boring. You're just like oh my God. I don't wanna do this junk. No, no, we can say on air here junk junk, great. So so let's I I think what we I want to do is identify. So you get a piece of paper and a pen out and you start writing down characteristics. The best. Describe who you authentically are. So. So what that means is, you know, grabbing a penny or hell good, right? All right. What does that mean authentically 'cause I guess the best version of yourself? I think why think when you think of. If you're listening to his right now, you should be doing the same thing on grab a pen and a piece of paper, you got it. And so it would be like, you know, descriptions of yourself like, I'm extremely thoughtful. I like to make people feel comfortable. I have a good sense of humor are better self. Yeah. Like your which I called true south. So when I when I think of bestself, I always think of that's who you truly are K. And so you just kinda right down. It could be in story form. It could be descriptions. I not take too long Vanessa my list is long. I know. I know I know for myself when I'm running so I have a bunch of employees. And when I'm not being my best self on agitated like, an I remind myself tap back into it. I'm like, okay mic. I get it. Now. See you want to remember what year best what the best version of yourself is. And tap back into that in order to get out of your antisocial. Right. Because the best version if you tap into your best version, even you'd be able to communicate to your partner, what's setting you bothering you instead of just going to a place being hurt. You could explain it in a clear way. So euro two so what you want do one were. Okay. Now, you want to draw it. Oh, I'm drawing, okay? You're drawing your best self. Okay. All right. Rose. Join a rose definitely not a rose. I feel like that's your best self in this. That's that's pad. Like, I'm not being creative enough. Mark. Don't look at my illustrations, Mark. Are you doing to? I wasn't doing it. No. But maybe I should I was overseeing good was co facilitates what I was doing. Okay. I think I'm done drawing. All right now, you want to name it, and it could be anything. It could be anything that feels authentic to you. So for me. My best self is a wizard named Merlin Ben around hundreds of years back. So for me because my emotions can go all over the place. So I always liked to tap back in the Merlin Merlin. What would I name this? So my you'd name your true self. My my true self is named love men now. Log story behind that. One. A player on the eagles or something. Unfortunately house my limo exit. I opened my shirt to reveal an L on the bachelor. I don't know if with the show and all you have to exit out of a limo night one. And some people have a little gimmick thing. 'cause you introduce yourself to the bachelor the bachelorette, some people do something gimmicky some people just introduce themselves. Some people have something planned. And so I had I'm a diehard superman fan, so awesome. They had a shirt made for me with the S symbolism. But instead of the s they put an L in there for love, man. So I was introducing to shut up Vanessa. I was introducing myself too. There was too bachelorettes on my season for night one as love man to there to like read all of the evil men on night one and of feeling it. I was not feeling. Well, you weren't. No. I was not feeling that I wanted to get it over as quickly as possible and thank God whose breezed over and everyone. Got your embarrassed. I was Barrasso because it was I really just wanted to meet the girls. And then obviously, you know, you talk to some people, and you come up with ideas of things that you could potentially do potentially feel comfortable with doing. And and so I was like, okay. I can do this. I figured out a way where I can phrase it and do it in a way, that's not super creepy. And that's what we did. But in the moment, obviously, I'm just sweating bullets. Because I think that these women are literally gonna make me turn around and get back in the car and drive off never to be seen again. Because it's I thought it might have been the dumbest thing ever. That's worked out it worked out fine. It worked out I got still hair. So all right. All right, then. Oh, man. My this is just I'm ready to. Let's see your face. Okay. But it's very it's very simple. I see mama, okay. With a son in a heart heart. Yeah. Because I feel like so if I if I look at what's authentically me, I guess, my qualities I should say I can put it that way. I'm someone who's outgoing and compassionate on very patient. I like to have open communication and honesty with people. I love to form connections, whether that's romantic connections or through friendships, and I like I feel like I'm I'm light-hearted sometimes, and I like to make people laugh, so that's my authentically me, and I put a heart and a son 'cause I just love to feel any form of goodness around me. So that could be happiness that could be laughter and nice weather is the sun. No. The sun is mostly for being around people that just Brighton. And me in brighten my day and. They don't dim my light. No dimming of Vanessa's light. Denny. Denny and might know dating of mama's lighting, nobody Dinh's mama's light. Oh, that's alter ego named mama. I want to be a mom, and I just feel like it's, you know, feel like I'm Bob. Okay. That's pretty good. So was that the only one you had just the nickname? I'd give why didn't are. So my I got to think of nickname my traits. I put your own name. I mean. Yeah. You don't feel like that's great enough. That's not creative enough. I like j j j just reversal J J. All right. I'll go with. Hey J. My last name's haven. So, hey, Jay's true self outgoing social caring loving, and I drew pictures of outgoing of me with friends at a bar because I feel like I'm at my best self when I am out of my shell. I feel that there are a lot of times I like to stay in. I like to stay in my little comfort zone. And I find that. I am my bestself when I'm willing not only to go out with my friends, but also more of a metaphorical explanation of willing to do things that are outside my comfort zone. Same thing. Social bachelor like going on the bachelor like expressing to Ashley that. I've over the past years, I've might have really up and done some done stuff. And I regret a lot of it. And if you're willing to forgive me, I'll do everything I can to make it up to you things like that willing to swallow my pride so to speak. That's something. That's that is. Don't usually do social same thing. I find that. When I'm by myself. I'm in my own head way too much. And there's this a lot of bad thoughts. Paranoid thoughts. There are times. It's just, you know, just everybody. Yeah. This is perfect. So because we'll segue interior anti self with grad ever that is. Okay. So you guys ready to go deep. Yeah. Let's go. Did. I said are we ready to go Di ready? Lama, mama. You ran over there. So my second pair profession in today's Oregon. Great. So this next part for your anti-south, you're going to be as honest as possible as the part of you that is getting in the way of you feeling more free, or that, you know, is it could be that time that you think. Oh my God. Why do I keep saying that or it could be the messaging that you tell yourself or it could be feeling paranoid? When you're alone or the it's kind of really understanding, what are those thoughts and feelings, and you're going to do the same thing where you're going to create a character. And usually a lot of people have a lot of anti salves in the interesting thing is done this with people, and they've taken an honest, look is there anti self just starts to reduce. Because because now there's there's an understanding of it. Whereas before we're just saying paranoid. Yeah. And it's not playful. It's not fun. It actually makes you feel bad. So all right. So let's do this. So we're writing are anti self. Yes. The party that's getting in the way of feeling free. I mean, it's harder because you don't want to admit to yourself. What would actually bothers you easy peasy? You can you can just some people have multiple anti salves. You can think of a moment that you find you behave with family. It could be in relationships. It could be on dates it could be it's a pattern for you. And then we have to draw our anti self and then give ourselves that name as well. Gonna build says word on air. We're about to find out. You just said the F word with no concern whatsoever. Here's the thing. I drop enough bomb. I know that you are where to yes. Leap it out. Right. This one is kind of inbetween. I think it's fine. Okay. But I think it's great. Yeah. If I say afterward. I know this here it that's why I even really make sure that I say it. And so you know, it look all right? We're drawn now we're drawn Vanessa. How are you doing over there? Sounds good. So. Some example, give you some examples if you want a people what they've created like like, I have all if that's helpful. I'll tell you what I created going to be better. Out. I don't know where that's right. Over to the right there, we go. Okay. So you're anti self is impatient. Has trust issues OCD in controlling basically. Basically pick care. Yeah. It's a mushroom. Kluber bar FANG. Oh, you throw up a lot is that like did you watch my first date with Nick? No. I'm were you on you were on a spinning yapping though. I think I drew. Okay. So. Yeah, impatient. Authentically me. I'm very patient. But there are instances where either it's in my dating life on my work life for I get super impatience in a MAC. How can this version EMI come out when I'm a special education teacher? I I'm so calm around my students, and I'm patient with them. Why my impatient with myself and with my partner trust issues. So I had a breakthrough yesterday. The only one that crash on this podcast. I want to work on that yesterday. On my therapy session where? I knew I had trust issues when I enter relationships, and I didn't understand why wasn't within me or it's not because I feel like I wasn't worthy. It came from. Parts of my parents divorce that just made sense while I was in therapy yesterday. So that really helped me understand why an enemy realize when I do get into those moods understand where it's coming from an MIS able. To distinguish whether or not it's my trust issues in my anti-south coming out, or is it actually something that's happening in the relationship that is going on. That's making me not trust them OCD. I don't like using that word so lightly because I know people do suffer from OCD. I feel like I. Having Zayed's when it comes to leaving the house, and I'm Mike oh budge. Did I shut my oven off is my hair straighten her off, and I have to literally drive back home open my door and check all the knobs are off off. And I have to like mentally say, it, I have to voice it out loud and say off enough to touch like the outlets to see if anything's plugged in there. So that's like super stressful in that's time consuming too. And then the controlling factor of wanting to make sure that things are done a certain way, whether that's with work mostly might work life. I don't like to delegate, and that's why I don't have an assistant. I don't have anyone helping me with my foundation, or my personal brand or anything. So that super stressful, and that's why put the bar the birth image. 'cause I just it gives me so much Zion. That I feel nauseous in hate throwing up its when I biggest fears. So I don't I guess my biggest fear is like my anti self coming out. I don't have a name yet. She's controlling she holds her emotions, and she loses control even with checking doorknobs and light switches, and and she's trying to be in control that she's kind of out of control, right? Okay. And can we give her like a kind of a name? You know, you could always rename her. You know, it doesn't have to be perfect. I mean, it could be. Yeah. I enjoy that. Okay. So that's when portfolio comes out, right? Okay. So so for example, you see her laughing when she says now when she was talking about before she was crying crying. Yeah. And what happens is when people for a lot of people if you can't add some humor to it a little bit. Ultimately, people start to beat themselves up, and they go. I'm not enough. I'm crazy. I'm I'm not. I'm not doing it. Right. I'm I'm mess. This. I shouldn't have said that when you start giving yourself those messages, there's no freedom in it. Right. And there's so that's why I like to create the anti south exercise because it just starts to kind of own that part of you that you can hopefully remove what you come up with some ISU Vanessa by. Thank you. Thank you. My antisocial is titled suck bag. A mind. I'll allow it. I think that one's good. This anti self aka suck. Pag is he's afraid of consequences before he even decides to take action he's afraid to express how he truly feels even to the people that he holds closest to his heart. And I drew for the afraid of consequences before he takes action. I drew a little guy who's in the fetal position and then for the afraid to express how he truly feels. I drew a guy in his bed by himself with no friends in free to leave his room. Just low guy. So. Yeah, that's. Suck bag. Captain, cook beg different. You know, we're doing this really quickly to like if you know, we really dig into it. We'd look at that specific area of your life where keeps coming up. Yeah. Well, I think it's taken hold on my life for the past. God eight years or so ever since. Probably in my early twenties. When I was in a relationship someone for a very long time that ended and then was trying to do my own thing on sure about where I was going, but very, you know, stayed in my little comfort zone stayed at home worked at a job that I was bartending for years. I knew I could have done better than that. But just never really tried. And even since then like bachelor, I think I look it was difficult for me to watch bachelor back because I could tell that there was maybe a piece of me detached not because I didn't care. But because I knew that if I didn't put my full effort in I could always make the excuse of if I wanted to I could have and same thing with my fiancee Ashley now with somebody that we were friends very long time who I was always resisting I was very unwilling to just jump in. And another. Example of kind of like afraid of the consequences. Because if I keep her at arm's length he can never know. Maybe I'm not the guy. She thinks I am she held in such high regard that it's just easier just to be held in that regard and not being concerned about actually living up to those expectations. So that's kind of and it's it's happened in my career as well still trying to find myself figure those things out because if I don't fully invest myself into something that I can always pretend to myself that. Well, you know, I could have if I wanted to. Yeah. When actuality I'm I'm afraid of failure. So that's kind of my bag captains MAC and captains. That sounds good. N bar Fola captain bag bar, which is really named the podcast. Nope. I second dating with dean bar full line. Suck guy. Suck guy still just in. Yeah. Still dean so Mike at what point in our journey. Can we learn how to connect with our bestself or how can we remind ourselves? I think how structure day in a line our lives. So if I were to ask you guys, you know, like when do you align with your bestself, you could probably give me examples of moments or places or experiences in which you do that. So. I would say, you know, how do you greet the day? You know, don't want the degree you. How do you start the day? You know for me. It's right. I do this still or I try to do it as much all right out grad lis- just want. I'm putting the pen to the paper. I'm who doesn't everyone feels better when they ride gratitude less, and I'm it's not that I invented this. Clearly people have been doing it for years. But that's how I start the day. And then at the end of the day, you kind of review the day and figure out what went well what didn't go. Well. And so to me it's knowing yourself what's going to harness you being your best self for some people there in the wrong job. No matter what they do. They're not going to be there bestself for other people. It's you know, when they're alone and the thoughts that they have with themselves. So I mean in terms of the approach everyone's a bit different. I also think it it's hard work. I don't people to oversee that. I think a lot of people imagine they'll do an exercise like this. They'll do it once and they'll have a breakthrough. And then think going I'm going, and I I think people don't realize that you need to do this repeatedly. Yeah. I I call it the three as it staying off then tick taking action in its accountability. And the last part is the one people neglect the most which is accountability for people who are in a relationship today. That's wonderful in terms of accountability for people who aren't in a relationship, they can have friends while the mccown -able, right? But do you feel like sometimes people enter relationship, so they can be held accountable and they use their partner as their guide. I think it depends on who would who it is what I mean relationships are complicated. You know hope. You can be in a relationship where you're both trying to help each other evolve and be transparent and have forgiveness in it. You know, but for for some people, I mean, sure, they choose relationships because they're trying to fix a part of themselves, and that's never really going to work. It's not easy. It's certainly not black and white. There's a lot of gray in there. And it's interesting. The reason I bring up the re doing this repeatedly is because I I know who captain suck bag is. You know, I've I've known him for quite some time. It's not so much that I don't I'm not aware of it. It's more. So how do I stop that? And I think it it all all it is taking action for myself and myself account. What brings out your bestself, my fiance? I I would obviously I would say it's going to sound very cliche playing sports. Sure. Yeah. It's just, you know, being in a competitive environment really brings out the best side of myself. I'm I'm more fun. I'm more energetic. Doing the things, of course, you know, going to see movies watching movies talking about movies, just the things that I enjoy doing definitely brings out the the better side of myself. Just like anybody. Can you rewire your brain? In what way we wire us mikes? So can you? Things that have happened like traumas that happen to us in our young childhood life that had such an impact on how we are today. And how we're reacted things today. Are we able to rewire the way we kind of see the world or the way that we wanna react to things. I'm not by any means. This isn't something I've been in research around, but it's a very popular thing right now is neuro science and creating new neural pathways in your brain. So you're trying to get your brain to create new ways of thinking and feeling you have to take certain actions. Right. And so I think in terms of like there's little T traumas and there's big teach traumas, right? There's t- traumas where people are like they were held hostage, and you know, or they there's sexual abuse. But little T traumas like neglect or families. I carry shame or seeing what went on with mom and dad. That can start to shift someone's perception of the world in life. And I think. I people change people change the way they think it's I've seen so many people change even people that like I just saw someone in New York recently who was homeless. At the time. I met him. His parents had hired me to help him. And he was homeless. And doing some things on the street, of course, in order to live on the street had contracted a lot of things as well. And and I told him if he ever got a year sober. I'd give them a job. I never thought he was going to get your sober. He would never be someone. I would ever higher ever. Right. So I tell everyone that who I've like health through the years because I want to create some like, I believe in you. So you could have job right story. They can look up to he did. Yeah. And I and to know there's something to work towards his reward systems work. Right. Well. He now is like sober over ten years super successful killer career, married like, wow. Healthy relationship. So I mean, I know sometimes for salves we can sometimes think we're like trapped in our own thoughts. We think like our own worst enemy sometimes a lot mantis out can come out and just take over in today's world today's world, especially media. Yeah. So I mean, I think to answer your question. People change. Absolutely. I mean. I work with people that you would think would never ever ever ever ever change, and they do, and then you meet other people that you think oh they're really motivated. They're going to get this. They're ready to make some changes. You know? It's it's interesting like all all work with some women who have been we'll go back to a very unhealthy relationship over and over and over again. And then there's other women I meet who have a burst of awareness, and they suddenly stopped going back to the healthy relationships. You know? So I think everyone's uniquely different in. That's why. You know, I just for me I'm passionate these days about like, how do I get this to somehow be incorporated? Just you know in the book, we have hundreds of exercises, this this was to fun exercises that I think are easy and playful, but really it's in our cold. You have parents who say the school should teach kids emotional regulation. Limiting beliefs thoughts about themselves. And then you have the school saying mom and dad, raise your, right? So then you have this culture of kids that then grow up, and hopefully they can regulate themselves enough, right? Because we're taught that history is more important than self awareness. And so we ended up later in life, and it's not until we hit crashing moments in our lives that suddenly we go I need to do something about it. And then we start to work on herself. And then we're like, okay, it's gone. And then a crash comes again. So. I look at it like going to the gym. But I just think we have to really convince and train ourselves to believe. It's just like going to the gym. Of course that it is. I love that you mentioned that sorry. I'm still I'm such a big advocate for mental health. And I think there has been a huge movement and stigmatizing mental health illnesses. And I always openly talk about going to therapy. I've done couple's therapy and the boyfriend that I had that I'm with now is very open to those things too. And I think it's important to highlight that a yes, people do change. But you can't you can't change a person. And I've been in those relationships run like I'm gonna he's gonna want kids, and I'm going to convince him that he's gonna want my babies and that didn't work out. I think it's important to highlight that remember that? Yes, we all come with the story, and you don't see that in court tunes. You don't see that growing up in movies people have these perfect lives? And that's what we imagined is going to happen in relationships. At least ask the guy. Yeah. I mean, look at things all great things. But it it. It is a fairy tale ultra romantic. You know experience. And so if you think about as fill up, by the way, written by so much more entertaining than seeing people awkwardly trying to date. Oh, totally like it's entertaining. When there's like big emotions, and I love him. And I love her and big on the way. Yeah. Big stakes. So on Veneta, you bring up an interesting topic for a different podcast, which is people can change. But can you change people? That's the interesting because we all the whole thing was people can change. But then Venizelos said, but you can't change people. And it's interesting, and I think that's an interesting dialogue to have at some point. But we are out of time right now. Unfortunately, I now the Mike. Oh, my. Studio right now, we'll ship your book out to you. Mike. Thank you so much for coming so much for having me, you guys can go. Get a copy of bestself, you only better is it Amazon everywhere books books are sold. It is a New York Times bestseller. There is a quote on the back of the book by Jennifer Lopez herself endorse endorsing it. So definitely go. Get your copy today. Vanessa's dancing because that's her goal. Mike. Thank you guys so much. Thank you. Mike rotties is the everyday flat for life on the go. They're stylish classic comfortable and they come in four fashionable styles. The flat the point the sneaker, and my all time favorite Avello for anyone to know. What's so crazy? They're made from recycled plastic water bottles Rossi's has almost reached one million bottles recycled so when you're wearing Rossi's you're doing a good deed for the world. You're looking stylish, and you're super comfy one of the things. I don't like about flats. That might my get super sweaty all the time. But with Roth these third machine washable so after were them, dancing or walking around or working. I just throw them in the wash and the perfectly clean. I am obsessed with my Rossi's, and you know, who else is obsessed. Megan Markle herself, she slipped on her Rossi's during her recent Australian tour with Prince, Harry and they've been flying off the shelves ever since. I mean, Megan Markle is obsessed with them. I'm obsessed with them. I'm telling you, they're they're amazing. I carry Rossi's in my purse everywhere I go yesterday. I went out for a date, and I was looking super cute with my boyfriend but halfway through. I had the worst blister wearing my heels. So I pulled out my loafers, and they were fashionable and actually looked cuter with my outfit than my actual heels. And I mean, I was super comfy and my boyfriend was like damn Grillo Q right now Rossi's has an amazing deal for our listeners. Use code dean. D E N to give free shipping with no minimum free shipping and free returns and exchanges on your Roth these shoes. And trust me. You're not gonna wanna return them. All you. Gotta do is go to Rocky's dot com. That's R O T H Y S DOT C O M and enter DA N to get your amazing shoes and free shipping is a no brainer shoes that are comfortable stylish and sustainable enders free shipping. I mean, come on you can get a better deal than that. That's Roth these dot com. R O T H Y S dot com. Promo code dean, D E N get this deal while it lasts. I'm telling you, you're gonna love it. Hey, everyone. I'm doctor ause. I love getting to talk with you on my show every single day when the cameras stop rolling the conversation is over where decided to start a podcast in order to dive deeper into the issues, and ideas that I love sharing with you. It's health, unfiltered, my wife, Lisa will be joining me and together, we're taking wellness to the next level and having a little fun along the way listen to subscribe at apple podcasts or on the iheartradio app or wherever you listen to podcasts. I just realized we never ask Vanessa how her Valentine's Day went so Vanessa what happened you're in a new relationship. First time Valentine's Day with your new Valentine. I'm a firm believer in not celebrating Valentine's Day. So when I first met him, I told him, you know, I appreciate if you do like to celebrate commercialized day of days or whatever. What are they called commercialized holidays holidays? There you go. It's not even a holiday because we don't get a day off anyway Canada. And I have the word holiday. Yeah. We do. I just couldn't think of it right now. And we we didn't celebrate I did an interview in the morning, and we spend time together at night wrote each other actually he wrote me really beautiful message like a lengthy well written well thought out message, and that was the most beautiful gift I've ever received a Valentine's eight that was my Valentine's Day. I wanna ask about this commercialized holiday anti Vanessa gremaldi Iran, ailing food. Well, my question is are you the person that's not going to tell you is going to tell your kids about Santa Claus. Absolutely. We'll tell my kids you're gonna have you know, Santa Claus lives up in the North Pole. Okay. Yes. Because there are some Kapela out there that I disagree with who say that they don't lie to their kids at a young age. And I couldn't disagree with them more. And I was just hoping you weren't one of those people in. I'm all I'm not I just think love should be celebrated every day and not just on fourteen February should be celebrated on the fourteenth of February really one day year. That's more than enough guys. Does not agree with that. But wouldn't you shouldn't he wouldn't he wouldn't you have been delighted if he had stepped up into something kind of spectacular? Maybe like I thought he was gonna show up during my live interview in the morning on TV. And I'm like, oh my God. If he's in the back right now waiting with roses. I'm gonna flip out. But it was just a rose sent by this company you've been happy. If he got you red roses or now, you have good so cliche. It is. But it could he could have really done a good job. If you said, hey, listen, I know you've accepted a couple of these. But you've never accepted a row on like it. I like you recall Swabi what you're doing is actually very smart thing, and you are setting the bar low, and you will never be disappointed as long as the bar is on the ground, and whatever he does declare that bar. You're going to be delighted by. Yeah. That's a good precedent for relationships set the bar, really low. So whatever the hell the other person. Does they always exceed them? Smart. This smart and also Vanessa what is this? I'm hearing about somebody calling you fat on Instagram. Did that actually happen? It actually happened. It didn't bother me whatsoever. Because I'm actually trying to gain weight sounds like, oh, yeah. She noticed an extra three pounds. How did this? Have I have you gained three pounds? You first of all you've never noticed. But I don't I don't own a scale. So I have no idea if I actually gained, but I go, according to my clothes if my clothes feel a little bit tighter there. I know that I did. And so I decided to screen shot that comment, I didn't tag the person. But I didn't hide her name on Instagram when my story, and I did right reply to that comment on my page, and I posted on my story. And I just highlighted the power of words, and how body shaming is just it's become a thing of. Like, it's it's as if it's okay to do it on social media people will never really do that. Or at least. I hope they don't do it in person. But I feel like they can abuse their voice on social media. And not realize how hurtful some of those comments can be it didn't necessarily hurt me. Hurt me that people are capable of calling someone fat in. I mean, fat skinny whatever it is. It's insulting and body shaming. And I opened up about this in my story. I was body shamed. For having smaller boobs. And and I talk about having cellulite on my butt and having dark under eye circles. And all these things that I've never really fixed because I'm like, this is the way God made me, and I'm going to love my body, regardless. And I spoke about this before just being able to be free in your own place in your house walk around naked going front of the mirror dance around see things, jiggle or don't jiggle but love the park. Jiggle and love the parts that don't gymnast what I've learned to do two questions. What pitcher was this commented under question on the second picture while I'm sitting on the couch with my legs crossed pulled you bet pitcher? And then she went on and said, well stopped everyone should stop at mentioning me. Because fat is fat is just the fact and I'm like, oh, I see it. Oh, yeah. There's sixty five replies. Yeah. Fan depot. And I got a lot of messages from younger women saying how they're having struggles with accepting their their body, and it was enlightening and very touching for them that I was able to express in the mind securities, and how I've learned to accept some of those imperfections that have become my favorite projections on my body. I think. Yeah. I totally agree with what you were saying about Instagram and people getting way too, comfortable, writing, whatever they feel in that moment. There is I've told this story before, but there is a girl that I went on a date with years ago. That we ended up becoming somewhat friends afterwards and never worked out. And she watched the show, and she was following Rachel, Rachel Lindsay. And when Rachel picked Brian over Peter Rachel posted a picture of her Brian announcing their relationship in this girl on Instagram that I knew in person was very sweet and person seemed very normal commented saying good luck with your husband. This is somebody that I knew I saying because a lot of these people that come on Instagram. I ration I rationalize it by saying they need help, you know, they're not the normal people. But this person I knew was normal. So I ended up talking to them about it. I d m them said what why did you write that? She said I was so mad. I've already deleted it. No idea. Why posted that I feel like an idiot. And I've realized that people with Instagram everything is instant gratification for your mad. The last thing you should be doing is going on social media because you'll post or tweet something that you don't mean. I never these people. Do it's it's crazy. But I used to an anyone that's listening to this that may feel like they can become a little sensitive to comments on social media. Or in person just know that I was the person coming off the show, I will cry myself asleep numerous nights. Then I was really sad. And some of the comments were really mean in hurtful minds, you they were a handful of them in. There were thousands of amazing beautiful comments in super supportive fans, and followers, but that one negative comment can hit you like a ton of bricks, and it just it overshadows, although the positive one so just know that. You know, I I went through it. But I've also learned a to accept who. I am in order to not have someone else. Shame me for things that I've already accepted about myself. Shea myself. I look in the mirror, and I think to myself sometimes you go to the gym. What are you doing go work out eat healthier because I want I want to look better. I want to have more definition. Why because I want. It's it's a confidence thing the the better. I looked better. I feel okay. So it's in internally makes you feel my I think it helps my energy level. I think I feel more confident in my skin. It makes me it just makes me feel better. That's all. Yeah. And then this was natural endorphins. And it makes you feel good. So I get increases everything. Hey, we have some emails if you wouldn't mind people taking your advice, we don't mind this is our ever part as two people in healthy leather relationships. I know congratulations. We're just gonna give great advice. Yeah. Obvious. Robin has a question for you. She says I met my friend with benefits a few years back throughout the years of hooking up. I've begun to develop feelings for him at one point I asked what his thoughts were on dating in general. He said he's looking for jobs in different areas. Maybe even out of state and didn't know if you wanted to start a relationship in case he had to move. But last night, I went to his place we didn't have sex because he was out of condoms. But there was a lot of touching toys and kissing after all that it was his idea to cuddle and asked me to stay the night. This was a first for us. I can't help it think you showed more emotion that he has in the past which only be ignited my feelings for him that I've been trying to suppress hug help I suck at friends with benefits. And the toys were was a little nugget. Any of us were expecting. I wasn't expecting that. But I do want to say good job for using protection and for not having sex because he didn't have condoms. I want to say I've been in relationships before where I was super mad at the guy for breaking up with me because he just wasn't in the place to be in a relationship. And now looking back on like, I feel so thankful and have so much more respect for these men that were able to be honest about where they were in their life. So I think you have to take that into account and also don't romanticize parts of the relationship if he's showing you a faction we all kind of need a little bit of TLC in our day. And maybe he feels really maybe he feels a connection with you. And he's allowing himself to be vulnerable around you and to showcase that side of him. But I wouldn't I wouldn't take it for anything else. I would take it for grain of salt. I don't know Jared if you agree with me to definitely take this with a grain of salt. Okay. I think he is looking for a little TLC as you said in. They were hanging out. I mean, I don't see this guy's a potential future partner. What are your thoughts? Mar you gotta take him at his word. I think with all people you got to just listen to what they're telling you because his actions are actions guys lead in different ways and have different urges and different emotions. But if he's telling you, I'm not interested in a relationship. He's not interested in a relationship. Yeah. Exactly. As many southern as you think he's giving you and with with any woman out there that's going through similar situation as this one. If you're going over to his place and stay in the night, and he's telling you openly that he doesn't wanna relationship that's on you. It's on you. But just be aware of it does he wear exactly. Have your stay over? Why? I I don't mean it. I don't mean it that way at all. I don't mean. It's on you as in like as long as you're okay being friends with benefits, you should go. Do it. If you have feelings that you're suppressing as Robin is right now, then I'm sorry. He's being honest and saying I don't wanna relationship. Do you wanna come over? And she's like sure, you know, so Robin if you are suppressing feelings, I think the best thing for you to do is admit that to him. And if he still says he doesn't wanna relationship then back off. Yeah. Unless you're with being friends with benefits. I saw that. She's not. So I would admit it to him and say like, these are my choices I admitted to an either we move forward and see if we can have an exclusive relationship or I'm admitting it to you. And you tell me you can't be in a relationship. And I'm out like you. You have the right in the power to decide what you want out of this don't give him ultimately that power. Hooking up for years. That's tough. That's really tough. I absolutely honest. If it doesn't if he doesn't reciprocate those feelings, then at least, you know, and you can move on with your life instead of always being uneasy around him. This is from anonymous. I've been dating a girl that I've been best friends with for the past ten years. We actually made the transition from best friends in a relationship being her best friend for so long. I know some of the scandalous dating things she has done in the past. But she wants to prove that she's changed. Well, recently, another guy named Tim has been lacking almost all over photos on social media. I confronted her about him. And he said she said, I don't pay attention to who likes. My. I've never heard of the guy. I finally said why would you accept requests from random guys while dating me? And why have you liked posts of his especially personal posts about moving into a new house? If you have no idea who is she said, no I randomly like things in my newsfeed. So what I had no idea who relation to him. But the fact that she switches story about him and said more than once you've never heard of it makes me kind of upset because I think she lied to my face and my wrong is no big deal. Is you just a flooding blame to me to hide her guilt? Hi, I'm a red flag. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. The power social media. I feel like if your intuition is kicking in and telling you something is up, then something is probably a. I wonder how long they've been dating they've been best friends for the past ten years ago. But have they been dating for ten years and the scandal thing she's done in the past? I think implies that she has maybe messed around on previous boyfriends. You're you can't hold that overhead either. Like, okay, we've all have a pass. We all are we've all done things that we're not proud of less shouldn't unless history appears to be repeating you got to have your guard up. No, I agree with you. But I mean, we don't have all the details. I don't know what scandalous things he's talking about. But if it's something that raises a red flag like he's she's liking picture on Instagram than if that's what she does. And then like enters a form of relationship with these people behind other peoples backs then. Yeah, I would totally do do my FBI research and find out who Tim is Tim and her flirting like we just call it what it is rights, very and this girlfriend anonymous, Tim and your girlfriend or flirting with each other. Are you if you're not okay with that? It's time to have a conversation or maybe. Move on. But she's also trying the gas lighting thing. What you're crazy. Yeah. That's not a good response to that. You know, it's a horrible response. Anytime you get super-defensive and then try to distract what they're what the argument was by making a new one. It's always bad. This is red flags my opinion. Yeah. I agree. It's ten but here's the question. Here's the question. How does he what does he do? What is this anonymous do moving forward? Do you stock Tim or do you just keep his it? Sounds like if he keeps going up to his girlfriend. She's going to continue to say the same thing, you're crazy. It's nothing. It's no, I don't mind as percents leapt twice on it. And I liked it. What kind of tell you? So that I feel like that's just going to keep repeating itself. So the question for me is what is anonymous do does he try to cyber stock this Tim guy because I don't think that's the answer either. Unless the only thing I can think of is if this anonymous reaches out to Tim, well, I think anonymous reaches out to Tim, he's probably gonna find out things. He doesn't like because when we start looking for things we're gonna find things we're not happy about. Yeah. But when she rather no, I think I mean. I don't know. It's also listen, if I was if I were anonymous, and I know like the trust issues that I have the insecurities have about some certain things I wouldn't date someone like her 'cause I wouldn't want those insecurities to come up in my relationship. Of course, they've been best friends for ten years though. And I don't know how long they been dating. But I'm assuming it's a probably half of that. If we're just giving a number to it. This is a toughie for me because I don't know exactly what anonymous should do because I don't think reaching out to this. Tim guys a good answer. Either a major trust issues here. Maybe he should suggest go into therapy with his girlfriend C, which how she reacts to that. Deflecting blame is. That's a big red flag as to hey, I might be doing what you're thinking. So I'm just going to deflect on the you. Wait are you against? This opens up a whole other topic of conversation. Going into reading emails or having each other's passwords on on social media is that a good idea or a bad idea. Because if they did then he'd be able to see if they are. I mean, I'm not saying, hey, let's, you know, have them exchange. Passwords on social media. But. That's a good idea in a relationship. So that there's like, oh, there's just openness and nothing to hide. Yeah. I mean, Ashley has my cell phone password. She could go in there anytime she wants. I wonder if they have that openness in relationship, probably not. I mean, I know that's why I'm bringing it up. These are all things too like for anonymous. I think of. She goes to the bathroom with her phone. She always like is her phone always attached to her just like things to to pay attention to pick up on it might not be hiding anything at all. And it just might be the insecurities of the stuff that you know, has happened in in her past and what's funnel verdict for anonymous here. What are what are we thinking talk to her? Yeah. I mean, that's the only option, but if he's putting up walls, I don't know that you can hang around. I agree because if it's just harmless flirting she needs to come clean on that and more than that. Or if she wants to be more than that. Then we got a real problem Vanessa does the silver FOX have your phone password. Elliott we have each others. And a how'd you feel about that if not saying hypothetically in a different relationship, you're with a guy who has harmlessly flirting with another girl in interesting. Oh, an admitted it it was like you caught him. It was like who is this person. Like, I'm so sorry. I was just she was like in some of my stuff. I ended up following her is dumb and stupid. We've never talked before. Just liked liked pitch. Like that ends up becoming if you're not caught in the act A could become something much greater than just harmless flirting. So I'm no a dealbreaker or could you nip it in the bud and call it a mistake, and we can move on from that. I think it would be hard for me to trust fully. But that's just me because I'm at me. No your fair. I even that will do it. Once again, everybody. Thank you so much for joining us on a new episode of help is suck at dating. Please. Join the Facebook group that's helped I suck at dating podcast. You can follow us on Instagram yet again at help I suck at dating please keep sending your emails. We love them. They're our favorite part of the podcasts. Also, please rate and reviews on itunes. We're always looking for more feedback. Obviously, a five star is always welcome. But we really want a authentic feedback. Please. Let us know how we're doing where we can get better. Thank you so much to all our guests coming into studio today. Thank you so much to Sabrina must you could check out her new book called a terrible dater. Thank you so much for Mike bear coach, Mike big, Mike. Thank you so much for coming in. You can get his book anywhere. We're books are sold. It's called best self be you only better. Hey, mark. Who else? Do we need to think this week? Well, when to fam- dot com, just go to stamp dot com. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage type in Dane function of beauty. Thank you. Use codeine. Check out for twenty percent off your first order at function of beauty dot com. And how about Rossi's go to Roth dot com and enter dean to get your amazing shoes and free shipping Vanessa any final words for Montreal. I know I think this is such a great episode. I learned a lot, and I hope everyone listening learned a lot too. And hopefully next week you can tune into another episode of help I suck dating and well, hopefully dean will suck a little bit less. Follow hill by suck. Dating with dean Vanessa Jared on iheartradio or wherever you listen to pug. Everyone. I'm doctor ause. I love getting to talk with you on my show every single day when the cameras stopped rolling the conversation is over I decided to start a podcast in order to dive deeper into the issues, and ideas that I love sharing with you. It's health, unfiltered, my wife, Lisa will be joining me together. We're taking wellness to the next level and having a little fun along the way. Listen subscribe at apple podcasts or on the iheartradio app or wherever you listen to podcasts.