Avoiding the Midlife Crisis: Guest Kathleen Reily
Welcome to life. Algae I James Miller your host and a licensed psychotherapist. I am looking forward to spending this time with you as we learned some pretty amazing life lessons. Let's get started. Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to listen to this. Show when you're done listening. I hope you take a minute right. Quick Review on whichever radio podcast platform. You've heard this show. Your insights will help other to be inspired and encouraged. I have a great show for you. Today I'm going to help you. Instantly change your mood I also be interviewing Kathleen Riley. Who has the unique ability to teach men experiencing midlife transition how to maximize her impact and become their authentic self for more information about Kathleen please? He's visit Kathleen Riley Dot Com. I have some exciting news. Did you know that I'm on the radio three times a week. You May on the same station on Tuesdays at one thirty PM. Friday's at nine thirty A.. M. and Saturday at twelve thirty pm you may also hear me anytime on Iheartradio as well as an all the other major pod casting platforms including itunes spotify Google play stitcher and many others simply search for the show name James Miller life or simply go to James Miller life allergy dot com. If you're anything like me you'll love to read life policy. Oh Gee and audible dot com have partnered to offer you an incredible opportunity audible is offering you one free book download with a Free Thirty Day trial. This is perfect for those of you. You who loved to read but often don't have time to enjoy your favorite pastime. Go to James Miller lifelock dot com forward slash audible to start your free trial. They have over one hundred eighty eighty thousand books from all genres. So I'm pretty confident. Your favorite authors books will be there go to James Miller life policy dot com for slash audible and start listening to your favorite book today day once again go to James Miller follow dot com forward slash audible to get started today. How to instantly change your mood? We've all woken up on the wrong side of the bed and it feels like we struggle for the rest of the day in previous episodes. I've talked with you about creating reading two different scales to give more insight into what's happening inside of you. The two scales look like this on a scale of one to ten. Ten is the best you feel and one is the worst. You feel you rate your emotional wellbeing and your physical body so if you woke up I'm wrong side of the bed. It's really more of your emotions that are going to be lower. So if you do that. Internal scale probably be about a three or four but your physical body would probably be about an eight or nine. You're probably fine so if you decide to stay in bed all day. Unfortunately your emotions dictated. What your physical body can do fast forward to run noon at work? You do these scales again and realized that you're once let's again. Your emotional rating is low. And you think well what happened. Why was so low and then you recall the argument you had with her co worker or the argument argument? You had with your spouse in realize that you've carried that anger that frustration into the present. Moment what you have this awareness then you ask yourself well. What am we're GonNa do if this happened earlier in the day and I'm still feeling this way and I don't want to? How do I change this? Did you know on average. It takes about six healthy experiences to to cancel out one. Negative experience so consciously. If you're ruminating on what happened earlier you've created this whole foundation of why you're frustrated right now the reason why it takes about six positive things to counteract one negative thing because a negative thing we think about a lot we think about what the person said we think about how they were standing gene. We think about the location we process every detail of it it becomes visceral in our mind and because of that that is why unpleasant memories are so strong in her life. Nothing of funny memory. The reason why that doesn't stick out to you as much because when a situation like that happens you enjoy it and then you move on. You don't process it or think about it. The way you think about an unhealthy experience you just sit with the emotion and you enjoy it so the way to counteract an unhealthy experience is when you think think of a positive or healthier memory you have to process it the way you would process a negative memory and that would entail you thinking of the tone which somebody said something you think about how they said it think about why they said it you think about what your response was you think about where the location was the more detail you give do it. In your mind's eye another words you use your internal five five senses to really experience it to find that your mood instantly changes and that's a really good trick to practice of how to counteract a negative emotion in the moment is by focusing on it the same way you would negative emotion. The more often you do that the more successful you'll be too easily counteract. You're unhappy mood. You're going to hear a fantastic interview with Kathleen. Riley really helps men who are struggling with midlife how to rewire the brain so they can live in this continual state of contentment. ooh I want to take just a quick moment to thank you. All continually support and listen to James Miller life. Algae I am so blessed and honored by your continuous support however. I want to make sure that you don't miss out anything exciting. That's happening over here. So good or James Miller lite follow dot com or DOT DOT TV and sign up for the free weekly recap. Each week I will send you an email. which has all the latest radio episodes UBE episodes magazine articles and self help products addicts specifically for you once again go to James Miller follow dot com or a life algae DOT TV and sign up for the free weekly recap in my guest today is Kathleen Riley who has a unique ability to teach men experience midlife transition how to maximize impact and become come their authentic self welcome to my show Kathleen thank you so much for happy? I'm excited I am as well. Now I saw the you used to work in Washington. DC Easy yes. Yes I did so I was in economic policy research That was originally. Finally my my major and Undergrad was ECON and finance and so then I went to go work in. DC right after college or maybe six months after and and it was not for me. I actually I don't know if you knew this for the next few from DC. I just moved down to take your back. Gosh I'm like I know exactly where she's talking about. What's he's done but it's interesting though to hear about your your major the economics versus what you do now? They just seem completely different. How did you realize that what you went to school for wasn't necessarily what you wanted to do? So Oh I was in. I loved what I've studied right. It's it sounds ridiculous. Like economics is super fascinating and so our financial markets markets and I loved reading about it and studying it but obviously being subsidized to sit around and read books and theorizes completely. Different Pin apply. Apply it real world. So when I got out into the real world I found my work was not stimulating at all. It was super monotonous. Just I mean it was like shifting from all all this intellectual stimulation and an inquiry and all of that over to a incredibly mind-numbingly boring position and So and it was not there wasn't a creative aspect about it It's just. It was just extreme. They will not miss and and under stimulating and so from there. How did you say you know what I need? Something different I i. I'm going to my mind with boredom. What did you do so so if you want me to address a little bit the transition from there into what I do now in college and and during my time in DC I had Very severe anxiety panic and so And so that was that when when I kind of got on the past right around the time of being in DC to really heal that. That's that's when I really got into narrow pasta city which is rewiring certain emotional behavioral patterns in the brain right through repeating gene the same optimal emotional experience over and over and over again. And by that I mean you know peacefulness palm safety right and those are experiences that are completely antithetical to you. Know a highly stressed out and and the ANC nurse system right and Subaru. That work I mean it was. It was really amazing. I I loved it and then after that I got involved in some health coach chain and and then from there I thought oh my gosh I really need to start working with people who also struggle with inside. And that's one of the great things is because when we teach what we also need to learn as well it really solidifies for one on what reteaching but it also helps us understand it so much more visceral level so we can we become what we teach exactly exactly and it's so much more potent oaten when when when that when you really had that that exact experience yourself and so then So he's working. With people who struggle with severe anxiety and design a really really effective eight week program to rewire chronic chronic anxiety and panic senate. And and then as I moved into that work I began to work. More and more with men Going through midlife transition and I I had I had realized early on before I started my kind of entrepreneurial journey that I I knew it's crazy music because when you talk to entrepreneurs they always say well I had this general feeling but I didn't know how it was going to manifest right so I had this real calling always to work with men in in mind set transformation and mindset shift right But I didn't really know how it was going to manifest in so then later as I started working with more and more male clients in the anxiety niche than it was I found it extremely fulfilling. They four amazing clients and then I really redirected focused on midlife transition oriented obstacles in the mindset. So yeah well. Let's first talk about the MIDLIFE male midlife transition give us an idea of what that looks like. Someone militias may not understand what that is right so so Essentially it's you know it's it's not the most delightful time right and and so what's what's happening is first of all people can there. There's three types of of sort of umbrella challenges one. It is difficulty with health to difficulty with relationships. Free Marriage etcetera three is difficulty with career and and the the often the clients that I work with their their primary challenges are ooh disillusionment rate with with day to day life day. They often Buick Very robotic sort of monotonous Daily routine and then and then also what. What's really what I integrate a lot into my work because well is? There's a a distinct disconnect from their child like self right and and those critical childlike experiences for example excitement. Right Joy. Focal curiosity makes sense if they're if they feel like they're living a life of monotony for mediocrity robotic activities. Well yeah well that's exciting. That's not joy filled at all. Of course yeah that makes sense dockery Hackley and there's a kind of trading off which is which is something I began to notice and also what propelled me into to my work. There's a kind of trading off for for men between you know that sort of twenties period of life into shouldering you know the responsibilities and some burdens of adulthood right in and and there are a unique their unique burdens. That I feel like men have have to bear in. And so there's there's definitely a trade off of those childlike qualities not not for everyone Specter correct. Yeah Yeah Right. And then and then there will be there'll be some other challenges like chronic stress a cluttered mindset right. Where do I go now? I've got all these thoughts and ideas about where I should go for what she do for the next chapter of my life and I'm kind of spinning benning. And so they need clarity on that. But how would that manifest or how how would it make sense to say people are experienced this but not neither experience all these thoughts. How would how does it look to the world? So let's say someone's experiencing that and I'm watching them. What does that look? Like it's it's a decline in fulfillment. It's the decline in meaning and purpose to to your work right to your personal life. Sometimes it can be one or the other sometimes spoke both but generally it's one or the other it can be a lack of drive right because if if nothing is fulfilling filling exciting in curious and and you don't have that next goal and the drive to get there that's GonNa show right. It's IT'S GONNA show and mild forms of depression so them probably Samir to build in frustration. Probably a little bit more quick to express anger frustration mm-hmm. That's how I was here from from a psychological standpoint And also probably would definitely could definitely see how. Yeah Yeah I was I was I started working with a new client a few like a week ago to ago and he particularly really comes to mind because he was struggling with a lot of irritability a lot of negativity right lot of cycling negative thoughts. That just bury Harry you they just they don't that's will extreme. But they champion and they dampen and they dampened and so yeah so there was irritability negative pretty mild depression Just you know a lot of angers. There was a water serve anger coming out in his relationship shepherd home and so yeah I would even hearing this and I'm GonNa serotype here so anyone listening. Please understand this is a very broad serotype but I would assume zoom that most people who have most people midlife their physical health is probably not where it could be once in this to- serotype because if they're working so much if they've invested so much than there are thought life is going to manifest in their physical comportment to their physical presentation so I'm assuming that if people people are experiencing this midlife transition irritability this frustration. Whatever it might be that's probably gonNA show up and maybe not being physically active? Maybe being a little overweight the era type the reason I say that is because if there are other areas in our life that we don't necessarily feel fulfilled. Then that becomes the overarching aspect of. I'm I'm not filled in my career. I'm not fulfilled in health and fulfilled in my my relationships and so it seems like it would be a broad spectrum or umbrella type of transition transition which is negative transitioning unhealthy transition which would permeate all areas of one's life. Yeah absolutely and again. It's you know there. There are three different types in usually one person suffers most in one particular category. But but yeah yeah the physical Giving up you know you're you're you're physically being in shape and having high high level energy and and feeling competent about yourself so physically attractive individual That that can definitely go by the wayside as you. As you begin accumulating more and more responsibility and and and some people can take on a lot of responsibility at home and at work and not get stressed out. Some people can't sit there. Is that stress factor. Obviously that you know in intensifies weight gain and usually affects sleep which even further intensifies weight gain anyway. So so yeah and then and then yeah and then you have that low self esteem around your physique as well but but the important thing in in either of those three categories the important thing is addressing mindset and the underlying Obstacles that are kind of you know perpetuating that cycle psychology what we teach is whatever we perceived to be true determines what we feel our feelings determine what are our body responds. And so you're really addressing the cognition thoughts or the hard wire of pause effect with people. It's absolutely wonderful. Tell us more about the eight week program that you have absolutely so so. It's it's it's mine entire eight week. Program is based on three audio practices. Each day right that you will do each day and and I kinda run through the steps of developing it. I will do like A. Qa Informative chat. I get to know you you get to know me I figure out if you're a good fit and then from there than we do I call it just a deep dive strategy call so I get into the real nitty gritties in what I do. Is I really figure out. What are your goals? What what what are the biggest shifts that you wanna see and then I get all the necessary information into the develop and design that eight week program and and on average? There's a twenty minute warning audio practice. Thursday twenty minute evening one at a ten minute afternoon one And I've worked with you know. CEOS people were in extremely demanding careers the errors and and this seems to be a sweet spot in terms of time demand but essentially what you're doing is you're you know. If if if stress is a big issue for you than we're going to focus on developing a peaceful mindset right and perhaps and usually there will be a couple more are you know obstacles that you want to rewire as well but you know for all intents and purposes. I'll use the example of stress. So what we're GONNA do is we. We are going to find a period in your life. Maybe it was a memory from when you were really young or in your twenties or thirties. Or maybe even just just a couple months ago where you felt that intense deep and powerful experience of peacefulness. Right 'cause most. Everyone has one memory in their life when they felt heap useful. And and so what what we do as human beans is. We have these experiences in in our lives that are actually like pieces of gold in terms of rewiring experience the world. And so what we can do is I can walk us through bringing that memory up diving deep into the Actual feeling of peacefulness intense. Next should have exactly the end. N N M my God. It does such an amazing job retraining the brain when you just focus on the feeling and not the words the words take you there but what you WanNa do is just entrench yourself both in an ocean of this feeling of peacefulness. And so you WanNa make it very intense and expanded make it a full body and mind mind experience in doing that You know those three times each day it is. It's profound because as the brain continues to develop new neurons right little baby. Neurons that can be formed and customized to support a certain mindset over that the this this process take six to eight weeks over that period of time the brain is developing new neural pathways to support that feeling peacefulness us right and so by the time. We're finished working together you know. We'll we'll have developed that long term mindset of peacefulness us Maybe confidence another thing. You wanted to work on self confidence and then maybe excitement right And so so as you as you build any building you build much like a roadway us over and over again you know like learning learning a new instrument or or language You you deepen. And create those those those pathways and you create create that experience that feeling of peacefulness on an automatic a basis. Every day. I love it from neurological standpoint. So you my listeners. Thursday here in this right now I want to piggyback off. Kathleen saying from a neuropsychologist standpoint. What we're actually doing what she's doing is when you create when you return to a previous memory restate when you sit without emotion just like I said earlier thoughts determine your feelings your feelings determine your body experience so we sit without emotion you generate a feeling of apiece or happiness or excitement? What you're doing is you're creating certain neuro chemicals and there's no chemicals then allow for that neuropathy to happen because they're firing off more and more so when you sit with a certain memory it creates more dopamine creates more Serotonin oxytocin there certain neurotransmitters that happen and so when you sit with that it actually wants it allows you to enjoy even more which gives you more endurance to enjoy that emotional more a little bit more more and pretty soon? It's it's easier for you to recall that emotion because you've been able to sit with it so long and the byproduct of a feeling that allows you to have the reward of having all those feel good chemicals articles course through your body exactly. Yeah that's wonderful that your clients are able to experience it and from what I've read you've had some pretty good success. Yes yes yes actually. I do I have I brought one short quiet testimonial And and and I can read that it's so quote Kathleen Program is hard to put into words because in all around. Transformation is hard to describe. I can start by saying that. I've retrained my thoughts and created a childlike mindset. Don't worry free much happier and I am reliving that experience as a child when I used to ride bikes and felt that sense of safety freedom. We don joy and aliveness when I used to feel life acutely in in most ways. This is the happiness program in the way that I was once happy like a child sake not an end quote. And he's yeah. He's his his studio sixty sixty now. That's amazing Kathleen congratulations. I'm sure that feels good for you as well. I know now I thought I would try this any day. I would. I would trade in economic policy. Ah that is hysterical. Ira Do that as well. Kathy rather just GonNa ask you pleasure having you on my show today if my list defending more efficient about you and all the amazing things. You're doing work review. Where are they find? There's information online so I'll give two pieces of info one is you can find a bunch of free trainees. Content turn at 'em dot m. e. forward slash am number four coach. Co A. C. H. and then And then also you can find my website which is Kathleen K. A. T. H. E. N. R. E. Y.. Dot Com Caffeine. Thank you once again for fantastic pass against Michigan State. I really enjoyed this talk. Laura thank you I also want to thank you my listeners. For Tuning in today please subscribe to this radio. Show ever portal. Join me today also. Please go to my website where you may sign up for the free weekly Recap Watch. My Youtube episodes read the articles written specifically for you. Purchase my previous guests itself health products. If you like to work with me be a guest on or advertise on this show visit. James Miller Life Dot Com for sure to follow me on all social media platforms under the name. James Miller life except for twitter. which is James M life? Algae once again. Thank you so much for your support and I'll talk to you soon.