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3175: Jajaja w/ Carmen Lynch and Brian Grossi

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welcome the Keith and the girl I'm Keith Malley and it's the final week of the mystery box Cisse's Garcia mystery what at were were going from this studio to another studio and so were boxing ups gentlemen Conan O'Brien Stephen Colbert Show David Letterman America's got talent even barest to say this I didn't know about comedy at all so when people introduced other people when they said like from Letterman from whatever I was like oh I perked up L. and he ended up he just wrote in jokes to snl himself without being prompted you know what I love it I we also they pick them and you know what fucking count it it's like I noticed like more than twenty years ago when I started going out to sea comedy and this you see Brian Grassi Hi Brian Hello how're you doing good let's get right to TMZ Paparazzi where Oh people who have said that they were on last comic standing because they were flashed for one second in Cashel but never actually aired on a real show they would just kind of showing people in motion. Yeah I was thought that you know it going for going for a civilian jobs and just saying I have a Harvard degree it'd be rude for them to ask on you know they'd be Carmen Lynch forgot a few goes getting no thank you for bringing all those memories back up so that we know that comedy memories that she brought with her pal excellent comedian as well featured in the laughing skull comedy festival featured on Tmz June thank you rate rate your credits no right no questions please next time so and we're putting together a box for anyone who buys this mystery box and it's a surprise when you open it will kind of stuff is in there so far people have been very excited about getting there's if you want China David Spade interview in then the the reporter who I know Adam Glen who works for TMZ for awhile hit me up currently have something else so you know I'm like this is a professional this is somebody that what does that even mean to me when we see people on Letterman were like Oh another comic yea but when you know about comedy you think like that's a popular one that's the one making no tie again I was in okay we're we're hanging outside the comedy so when I don't know if you know him for TMZ so I was in the David Spade you in the background hit me hit me up the next day David Spade interview I was in the background and then it was on TV and Adam GonNa hit me up and said well until you have something else that's because I was listening but they but they started with that now that I think you should lie about comedy is so fucked up that if you were on a commercial for last comic standing put why now why you shouldn't ask I was talking to just Joyce after yesterday's show and he was he said I he said I don't know how we yours go to Keith and the girl dot com slash store I was boxing one and I sent it to myself I love it beats the purpose but they're fun boxes today's guests ladies it just wasn't the last one he was on and I was such a big Fan I had such a big crush on him that I I didn't know about heckling I was just like yes I'm so in love with you the task for the diploma I think once they see a Harvard degree they're like oh he's above any question we could add obviously wearing the t shirt in the hat I never even know it on your resume but credits here are such a big deal and then you go to the UK and they don't even use them like they'll introduce you as the next comedian is Keith Malley and that's it now proud that you recognize me from TV I am making it now you both do a senior both a cow was performing an all-spanish show so adams so he gave you permission to call that accredit yes until I ask about it angry but not really angry but upset but more bothered and then so I see this show that's done I don't know Spanish now don't say that happen to be Rene Russo and I was kicked out because I would keep exaggerating class audience go so I was on Letterman I'm on camera many times I see your floor when I see this show it's funny the words that you guys just forget I don't remember doorknob millions of dollars and you're just not aware of it and I remember having the balloon buses because that comic came up and said like all those credits were ally and I was like well you should've went with it a to this part but he said I'll tell you the most ridiculous resume story and I said all when you said you were proficient in Spanish but he said he knows a guy that said I wrote for essence two years ago also I went to Jon Stewart show before he was doing that show he had another a different show I forget what I remember but it was a talk show which is Kinda Nice that is nice as a host I know people who've done the opposite I've done like bar shows and stuff where they like makeup Clara credit for every single comic and like three or four credits in like this was recognized I was still doing clown shows at the time in full clown makeup that weekend they were like where you went John Stewart so proud proud to be in this clown outfit that's so fun I love that because in the whole it's like positive heckling they help you don't remember word because sometimes it'll be I'll be like what's hiking it is the first day of the fourth year and the teacher talks only in Spanish on day one and I said I think I'm going to take newspaper instead do you mind filling the and they're like shut the fuck up he came with his hat I had I think of someone else's hat that he took off or something and like you and I'm like well he's still being cute arm and of course I was raised US speaking Spanish speaking Spanish yeah okay and you Brian you took Spanish in high school college fluent yeah so and but you know what I want coming from MTV HBO let's just like well I'm working on stuff calmed down but then go up there in the job yeah I think it puts more pressure on this newspaper friends learn how to read the newspaper Yeah you learn how to read it and I'm very and now you see isn't won't understand anything they're saying when they could just talk about me these comics instead they point also I mean I don't know I'm GonNa this program going to continue for a while we'll always said Jim here at the school okay always you would you say you're positive only good memory only learned that from Louis C. K. and she brought over her that's enough ah you fake it so good to talk with Kyle CCC actually I shouted you out when you came to the show and I'm going to be cute to and then some Kinda run came up to me was like you better stop serious the Jon Stewart show I went to it was actually I was you need to go back and thank you teacher there's I do not have let me ask you guys this do you have any teachers that you should think I don't have I was giving you credit though because I thought it was hilarious that you sat there you were supportive Kyle. Even though you didn't really get the Spanish she said she was divorced you did clap so you understood component at one time I faked walked out like storming out fit because everybody started laughing what am I going to raise story about ways your than Spanish for though did the water found in wing three squirts a little longer than it should thank you thank you Keith Spanish yes see I took this is how you know how bad it was in Spanish I took three years of it it's a number I- nice teachers those were English teachers and they were Nice because I happened to be good at English that's how you ended up at the new thank you those two seconds I'm sitting in the front with my legs on the I don't know no I know but I they make me sit in the front and then I just think that's bad so you were on the news you're in the newspaper you wrote for it yeah you could picture you were supposed to go around the school collect stories but stories are you gonNA come have of teachers I think Meskini got through up on the that was like the most vivid memory I have of an elementary school teacher but you're like a guy who grew up with only the end the beginning was done now kids a chalkboard is what we used to use in school but I did always wonder about that because you saw teachers they'll be like hi GAM though say something totally different too chatty and I'm like what oh I guess we say that our home in Venezuela she loved before I went out but I thought it was hilarious because you sat in the front row I think didn't Keith no you did you did you were supportive first of all supportive that would write on the chalkboard but she always leaned her left side of the body on the chalkboard and she always wore these fancy dresses like she was going to you know this very authoritative very smart you assume that like they're like a super smart people in our society big mistake but as you think that your wonder talk just remember the really horrible ones member Mr Ong said Blue toenails because he wore sandals we could see blue toenails blue collar blue ball gown thing and but at the end of the class the whole side was covered and she had to notice that the end of every class and just what brush it off like at the end of the day when you go home and see chuck in the same fucking place that you saw yesterday and you come back and you teach me looking me straight in the eye we're both comfortable with that the language has died since book people go why Keith you own personal buys a newspaper I'm like I went to school for this he's a certified journalist ladies marathon collapsed during the race ended up being saved by a man named Jesus come on Tyler Moon had a heart attack while running and fell you understand go like hey is there a way you could not get chalk on your dress has an adult looking in the mirror we headed math teacher who taught like first period so she always had coffee breath yeah that one so he's picking up on some of it does collar cold picked his nose yeah I remember those are the people I remember yeah I remember the joke teachers I remember the math teacher Corbu B. raced the chalkboard yes see I I do wonder like she'd finish a you know a five plus times divided by by time she got the Komo Brian that's not me that's how punish you all bad breath now everybody come one at a time to like fish tomorrow the nurse anyone can do nothing let's keep that in mind boys girls dogs anybody could be ospel recently I think that was staged of a woman wouldn't be named Deuce we know that it is gives us another hundred years of Catholicism fucking towel fractured the bones in his face got a concussion but he survived thanks to Jesus Ueno one I it's always weird when people have that like they're like Oh you know this teacher changed my life yeah I'm the same way I don't really I remember a few but honestly the biggest memory a good teacher I've never had a good nurse and you would think yes we need them I don't know just have lesser doctors have pre doctors and they and they have to do more you got Pat Hey gym teacher has jim going now we do Jim job there's this lazy about it I do feel like they should focus on their specialty and that's fine because once you do reach the doctor I've seen so many doctors sleeping in their office uh-huh period yeah exactly so get a fish fillet fillet God a runner wearing a Jesus saves running bib two the twins does the Janner planned the fix that do you feel negative about that can you think you think you're good podcast or because you took this class relation then got taught Spanish in high school and college mostly college yeah you need to think a lot of teen to know that teachers yes I will give you credit but you always hear people talk about you speak Spanish right I know every has is in New York what's up it's not a woman this gender thing is really throwing people it is a man elect to do a walk around the school knows Arno Stories today teach did you pass barely he's not really wrong it's not that big a deal so I was on or off to a good step in the audience during the David Letterman show guest like really bad why she didn't that close could she would lean over people and try to help them with their their problem or whatever but she was mean to and somebody actually wrote dearmer's happy a joy behar got in trouble for that nurses united thing which she said she said there was a talent show or something on TV and more of the contestants was a nurse and that was her talent breath smells like warm garbage and left it on her desk she came in and she was like furious that was a legendary story in our school you know what good for that guy and she should not get your issues we put up yesterday we put up 'cause come to went to the hospital we put up thank you everybody thank you we put up nurses yea or nay and I've never had John should be fired too though so I but I think maybe like Second Year Med Med students could like you know ten hours in the are a week or something on the fuck down and maybe do something about it that's coming up even higher Zachariah John who did it they have very upset is being a nurse what do we call it well it was basically it was it was sold during the competition as as it being a talent maybe they missed the nurse was running behind him and administered CPR her name it was a woman that's Jesus as a dag man interesting I had a teacher like what did they teach you now country school that grew up in New York writer best schools I think well I grew up in the country and very fun I am now on the run to win this I can't do that because your bus driver she's not an English major because she would know the difference between oh I would love to fuck him I'm just so wet right now just Austin Davis Twenty of keystone heights suffers from a quote selective eating you came out and read a poem about being a nurse and then there was a debate about whether or not there was actually talent the talent in that case would be writing the poem but people she and then she came out on the about nine now don't you don't you think that was set up that sound suspicious it does some weird he's totally lose ooh I couldn't do anything about it for seventeen years please suck my dick wonderful cheeses allow toppings mobster Mac and cheese if I do that all right here's another fun story ready a Florida man says eat nothing but macaroni and cheese for seventeen years cross simians monkeys repeatedly beat humans at video games proving they can outsmart people that's not proving they can outsmart people that's proving video games but I don I want to see the doctor of course the the poll was sixty five percent Yay from nurses thirty five percent and that's a touchy subject work that doctors can do the things that nurses are doing they just don't want to they don't want to take your blood pressure they don't want to take your blood because they feel it's beneath them but these people were that's third bring in this example both were tasked with creating triangles by clicking other shapes the primates that better because they switched writer and this puzzle game they did not know they were competing against monkeys they had no idea smart they said do you all have one thousand years we go Carmen Lynch you can follow online of course at Carmen comedian is the tweet account I had to sit in the window seat and the guy next to me expected me to climb over him to get there beginning part was true I hate that when they when he's like no go ahead I'm like I'm not putting my ass in your face get up you know when you have to cross over among his during a Georgia state university experiments students and what a great experiment okay we're GonNa follow me on this we play video games but also adages whatever that means while the human stuck to the same rigid techniques but where the humans told to do that they weren't nobody was told anything thrown in a room with type when she said like a talented nurses went nuts in trump my and my cousin both nurses poetry ended up ending our facebook friendship over that understood that her poem is her talent and they meant to write no she was adamant that nursing was the town oh well she's dumber than we thought nurses were then that's order makes his body reject anything else I heard about this every two year old has an guy hey yeah that's like the dumbest concert not yours wow brian answer no but your talent is surprised boxes for people yeah so we're taking some of the stuff that you might have seen around if you're watching us live on camera stuff that we've had over the years little mementos Out so I can transfer normally teacher go you know buckle down but she goes yeah no problem those are the options Spanish talent and a what is happening over there garment with wasn't I didn't find it was the microphone moving free sorry we spend too much time with Brian We'd rather somehow fit I hope it doesn't I hope he just sticks to Mac and cheese and nothing else diet sticking to dump in Seventeen Years Luzia Jesus were here on you call let me put my hair back in new ponytail what are the poll results to a nurse but a nurse yeah I know right around that I thought you said it was a woman but Mary at Miami I subconsciously went there because it was a nurse you see that you got lot did you hear that Med students I don't think he'd do you now I like nurses 'cause my mom's an arson nicer grew up with the nurse I said that of all the nurse is being a nurse what is the skill that's not a talent everybody should come out and read a poem driver important to your kids anyway the other day was a million people and whatever there's got to be good ones there's my mom's one of them but then you do you never see the doctor because then it's a Pa now you see the physician's assistant rose sees shop on her dress the teacher every day you see that like your husband's not telling you something you're you're mother's not to who you live with we we did forwarded true story wow most of it okay she just the beginning I departed absolutely right when people when people put their bag on the like honestly absolutely put your bag put your feet on seats in on the subway but as it gets more crowded give it yeah no I was like get up did you say Korea where I'm not petite my ass will be in his face now I think okay both six each person food one at a time I am for you I made it like each one's Butler right now honestly the smartest way did have either of you Worked as waiters waitresses anything like that dillon found his new director of coffee and guess what to seventeen short years no day as days it was one of those food trades where you have to use both hands right yeah and I dropped everything everywhere the waiter brought out like the companies called Cafe Alterra and the C.. Coo Is Dylan mischievous I really studied this they needed to hire a director of coffee for his Ziprecruiter doesn't depend on candidates finding you it finds them for you it's technology identifies people with the right experience and invites them to apply we need Ziprecruiter Ziprecruiter will help you hire a normal person for your business hiring can be a slow process I'll tell you a little story if I may by the felicity family critters affected for businesses of all sizes trust Ziprecruiter for Free Tell You the web address ready yeah just now they all move their bag they do yeah and Long Island railroad there's three seats and two people will put both of their bags in the middle so it's a job that's how you get qualified candidates and you get them fast so dylan post jobs on Ziprecruiter he's impressed by how quickly he finds great candidates he also used Ziprecruiter Shaw made it special two weeks nothing dropped right go how about you breath not waiting but I did work front desk hotel for year old so organic coffee company he's having trouble finding qualified applicants people were just poop in the coffee they're doing everything about that he goes no I'm gonNA look ziprecruiter businessman who didn't speak English and they teach you that you know say a movie is fourteen bucks but a porno is seventeen so that's how you can tell okay and he around people try to fight charges that obviously ridiculously porno movies and there with their families or something but I think a bumper on but yet actually my very first checkout was a little Chinese ziprecruiter dot com slash K T G that's ziprecruiter dot com slash K.. Eight hundred G ZIPRECRUITER DOT COM SLASH K T G. It's the smartest Dan Welcome to the club when they try to take porn off the all I didn't have that I didn't have and most of the time I honestly like most of the time we take off like nobody's going to fight you on that table the manager said no she essentially told me to suck it up or go home so I went home Spencer took to facebook to share what happened stating allege yeah I had to I two quick migrates going down I dropped a tray my first day huge don't give new girl trae doing through on there She refused the duty we hired her for. We're going to serve anyone in here as long as it's a safe environment so where's the line then gunshots he was sent home for refusing this of the customers the following day she was alerted by the management that she was fired then the people started writing the restaurants facebook his candidate rating feature to filter as applicants maybe once go once maybe what's bad ones he gets a filter to exactly how he wants them he wanted to God wants in this case page and it got so many comments they took down their facebook the one of the co-owners Tad launder says that dollars in some banks at seventy five dollars calm up Talim no they'll take it off I nev- another life act for you never give your real name events but a transgender customer sitting at the Bar as she served the customers they turned to her task or what she thought about the trains Patriot they were asking me if I thought it was that's what your state in jail for putting her daughter into college when she didn't qualify Felicia whatever felicity yes Leslie Hoffman we've got it together discussing and wrong and you don't want leading the witness man right led a person have an opinion isn't that disgusting well I don't okay right they were asking me in two thousand a waitress who is fired after refusing to serve transphobic customers at a Wisconsin restaurant on Saturday way to hire really is a healing people should use the smarter way Jewish the okay do you WanNa tell you about the dumber they said she has no regrets about putting quote morals over money during her shift at fat Joe's Bar and grill in the town of a fondue lock Bernie Spence overheard a couple of making insulting thought it was disgusting and wrong and why we would let somebody like that into the establishment which I answered no I do not agree with that and walked away she went to the manager and said could another employee take the yeah I think is the N. Word Okay from customers I mean if it's quiet and it's just to the fellow white waiter they included a waitress in on it she said she was uncomfortable and it served every asshole from racists to hundreds of conversations I didn't agree with but it's a matter so anyway I remember this one time a female waitress that you were working with got harassed by a person take always there's I'm sorry I sit down the world's crazy this is that everybody's question everything also also another tip if your bank charges you like either overdraft or like oopsy you forgot something like thirty washing dishes between two buckets one soapy and one though wet the dishwasher machine broke and my brother worked there and he got me a job so that's when my work in the service industry it's not saying to kick them out saying let someone else deal with it bright I've been in the service industry for fifteen years do people call it the service industry type stuff not not a customer per se but you weren't one of those people who are like I refused to do this you just like Oh you refuse to do that all throw something in the garbage we buddy so many bar charges and porn takeoff minibar charges I can take three and be like only had one and then they'll just like all right fine Zeiss Felicity Huffman spent two weeks this guy out of Salif I candidate and just a few days to weeks a long time now doesn't it folks a message brought to you now's bad timing after pretend to make a phone call my office so then I when with the guy outside and then he was gonna fight me and then I punched him he laughed I active brushing it off and having the tough it out through your task it was time to leave fat Joe's Yeah Yeah I guess I think the bigger issue is if you're if you're transgender what are you overhead is everybody alienated hidden every industry I never had a good manager there little pansies that hide out in their office when there's any kind and of course like Keith was very you're waiting for how long fifteen years that will be fifteen years I'll service industry began by work in the service industry was paying cash because it's pump because the company was paying for the room with the card and he had about six pornos did not dispute a thing in one night and just like hobbled away from the desk after that I was like God yeah you know what I'm saying like you just gotTa get on Yeah I mean you know I I hope that means you're going to fund their travels yes yeah we'll talk born after shows is nice place how does it feel to punch someone from that perspective because if he's willing to throw I mean I guess it's scary it's not that hard to threaten manager's come from waiters were willing to stick around long enough to be promoted into shit I see that yeah someone's got promoted yeah and they don't make as much money a lot of times hum welcome to New York is one of those restaurants on Broadway row so it was people went there before not effort to block anybody else so I start going through the back and they grabbing a choice and then I sit down bill doing in Wisconsin like you know right yeah on I'm just saying you always hear these stories I'm like I wouldn't want to live in Wisconsin as a straight white cat the waiter so they're just like well I took this job so I can sit back here right I believe so yes way that woman who you helped well she extremely great getting there guys guy said the told said I'm GonNa rape you an ice I overheard it and I said I forget what he didn't like about the I'm but you'd let them take you out turn it's an attractive thing thing that was very nice of you that's crazy I had a waiter who was an Asinine he put his glasses down somewhere eyeglasses that's remote yeah it's nice the other oh him has been on the podcast and he is in this room Jesus some the only guy you don't know that yes you did you guys date fuck them I didn't WanNA bring up sex radio to me I would have I mean I'm not saying fuck it beat the shit out of his face you can't show his face all was big guy or he was he was a yeah he was bigger than me see this adds to the store do we a scary thing and it's like well tell him tell him you know the menu said what their food was it's like how you do that because that's all you do like they're doing is asking she's been pilfering money I've worked for one more week the surgeries expensive I'm seeing a bus ticket to New York on top of it and then you go keep this reservation requests then pull up each unknown guests on Google that's their job it's been written in black and white and handed to employees we google people said Lie La Bilbo K Fleming Ashiq twenty cd on Manhattan Madison Avenue and East Sixty second street have to track emails yeah so that was

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