Immigration Lawyer Marko Maglich, What If You Cant Afford Therapy and Healthy Relationships
Yes okay I'm out Raskin. I may writer director and arm shaver. Hi I'm Gabby done John and I'm a writer by CON Bisexual. I got an extra have her. How's that going in this wintertime? Not Good Yeah are you. Taking short cool showers. Is that what you've heard about exit my mom has it. She says she's not supposed to take showers. Yeah but I love odd shower shower. I couldn't do it. Yeah what am I I mean what am I supposed to do. Does it have a prescription medication. No it's just dry and like Yeah ever prescription medication. And then I went out on a limb to try to new face wash. That's a mistake. What kind or should we not saying? Yeah no no no but yeah I like not even that. That's a bad face wash. It's just the thing of like if you change your skin routine even one second in your face decides to throw mutiny got it but you I mean you don't do what do you do so I have a face wash. Okay Sweetie well I use in the shower and then at night I use a makeup remover. Wipe yes see that's privilege. It's it's all genetics when people are like how did why is your skin like that. I'm like I'm lucky. Yeah there's not I can't promote any sort of skin care because it's just genetics. Here's the thing. Well I'M GONNA choose to believe it makes me relatable. Yeah that's just part of me being like you know a human on this earth like I'm just like you celebrities. They're just like us. You know what I mean I get a lot of rashes wear When I was in Mexico I got some rashes on my four arms What it's unclear? We're not sure sunscreen. No I second. We thought Papaya but then thank God. It wasn't that they you're allergic to Papaya And you're finding out now. I love it. So much at age thirty-one sorry Very red often. Yeah my chest gets very red. Yeah yeah but it's temporary. So who am I to complain. No I mean I just want to listen to try to be relief. I know listen acne averages out there I'm with you I'm here eggs Mahathir's hello lucky for us with our little dry patches. You know what I mean it. Just it just makes us humble just keeps us from being a he because otherwise I'd be perfect. Variety show filled with heartfelt advice. I want to say that I'm also. You're you're even if you do. I don't WanNa make it seem like you don't have. You're not perfect okay. Sorry I'm perfect just the way. I am ridiculous game and brutal honesty. We've got a great episode for you this this week. WE'RE GONNA be talking to Immigration Lawyer Marco who my dad set us up with we're GONNA be talking about visas. Green cards people seeking asylum in the. US is the immigration system working Hot Topic. You're not impressed that my dad hooked us up with though that your dad knows a bunch of lawyers. Yeah I've been wanting an immigration lawyer for a long time and Ken Raskin really pulled through on this one and later later we'll be discussing. What defines a healthy relationship? And how can it be different for different people. Oh boy but I heard US Julia. London international and I shall read the British accent. Oh here we go. What else can I do to help my mental health? When I can't afford therapy so I had issues with that one? Can you read the question. which is not protocol? I'm sorry and also a very very bad and Julia wants to know it's actually very serious. Question Okay what. What else can I do to help my mental health when I can't afford therapy huge and so basically she's in the UK so they have free on demand healthcare but unfortunately they ridiculously over oversubscribed and the waiting lists are longer than you can imagine? She says that She went to a GP and she got put on anti-depressants so that's good and she tried to see a therapist. I was told that the union overstretch for mental health support. They can offer me five sessions of CBT but that's pretty much it before going back on a waiting list. I feel like diamond crisis and I need help now but I can't afford to go private for therapy at all. I joined a gym because I know a lot of people feel better. If they're working out I really just don't WanNa feel like this anymore and I don't know what else should be doing. Have you guys found anything that helps you. What would you do if you couldn't have access to therapy? Well I've said this before that literally the only thing that I've done with any money that I've made it is pay off my debts and then go to therapy. You have some cool sneakers. I've gotten some cool sneakers but mostly all of it has gone to like trauma therapy psychiatrist kyw interest therapist. You know what I mean. It's all gone towards mental health stuff. How is that helpful with her expensive? I'm just saying that it's expensive and it's a privilege coverage to go to therapy like I'm up. I have money. That's a privilege. Yeah I mean it shouldn't be. It should be something that's accessible to everyone and not with a ridiculous weightless no totally so in terms of actual tangible things that you can do for me. I've always found a lot of help and understanding why I'm thinking taking the way that I think and why I'm behaving the way that I do. And whenever I can label my behaviorist either related to anxiety or CD than it really helps me because then I don't listen. Listen to those feelings as much so I would honestly recommend like doing some research into whatever disorder. You're struggling with I don't know exactly but let's say that you're dealing with anxiety because that is very common very common so I would kind of like do some research into brings ID. I'd I'd look up what it looks like for other people. I would really does like youtube videos about other people dealing with it so you don't feel alone and I mean talking to us is is a great idea and in terms of CBT which is cognitive behavioral therapy. That is very focused on how powerful your thoughts are and how if you change your thoughts then you can change your feelings and change your behavior so I actually think that this is something that you can do for yourself for many years. I've therapies myself Which A- term armide love to coin one day so a therapist self alison out soon so basically? So let's say like again. I'm making making assumptions saying it's anxiety but let's say that you're feeling anxious right and your heart is racing and you're feeling uncomfortable. I interviewed a therapist. WHO also happens to be my mom's best friend love to keep it in the family and she was talking about this method that she does where she asks the person to locate where they're feeling the anxiety in their body? So let's say for me. I haven't feel anxiety and my chest right so I would put my hand on my chest and I would feel that it's coming in my chest and then I would center myself and I would put my feet on the floor. You know like really sit up straight. Have my feet on the floor and acknowledged that my is happening in my chest and then I would say I'd kind talk to it. I would say like what like what's up. Why why are you feeling this way And so if it's like feeling this way because because because has been hasn't back then you're like okay so this is just my exciting right. No actual issues here. I'm just having like a physical reaction and you can say okay. Understand that you're feeling this way I acknowledge that but you're safe. You're able to cope. We will get through do this. You're not endanger your body thinks that you're endanger my. You're not actually because that's what is. Yeah with depression to you. You have to convince yourself alf like for me I I you convince yourself that. There's no hope there's nothing right. Nothing's worth it blah blah. And that's the same thing it's like your brain working against you. You have to just like sit and be like no. Oh this is not what's happening. Your brain is tricking you. You know what I mean. Or if you're making a lot of assumptions about what's going to happen in the future you have to remember that you have no idea what's going GonNa Happen in the future. You have no control over what's going to happen in the future and just trying to guess and assuming the worst is just harmful for everybody involved I would keep a journal like right down. You know what you're feeling on certain days so you can notice patterns so you can see if there are certain things that trigger us you can see like you know. Sometimes I think think Oh. I've never had a good day. But then you look at your journal and you're like no two weeks ago or like last week. I had a great day. It's just trying to put your brain back in reality and this might sound silly but make sure that you're well fed. Yeah like it's actually a really big part of it My mood is very dependent dependent on whether or not I'm fed and also make sure that you're getting protein. I think if you I would take care of your body as much as you're taking care of your mind so really try to try to eat As well as you can and You're going to the gym. Try to go to bed early. Yes sleepy eating working out. Those are all great things and then it's also just like acknowledging that that the disorder is like a part of you that you can talk to. Yeah and that you can actually have a conversation with if you are in crisis and I've never talked about this. Yes but I've called a suicide hotline. So if you are in crisis you can call a suicide hotline. You can also text suicide hotline so if you have social society which doesn't allow you to be on the phone or you're not sure you could get the words out or whatever They have services where you can text. Sometimes you would think like well well. It's not a it's not a media I don't know I'm not worth calling or whatever but my take on. It was like if I was even thinking about harming myself I was even thinking about it. let's just call. Let's just get someone else to talk. You know 'cause you you talk to yourself and you spiral yourself like get someone else on the line who's like. Hey man this is not what's happening. This is not as bad you know just externalizing it and talking to someone else can be can be really helpful. And I don't know what your situation is but if you have a good relationship with your family and you have some good friends it's okay to say. Hey I need some extra support right now. You know. It's okay to say like wow. I'm really struggling. Like I honestly honestly like I just need to have a night where you come over and hang out with me or I just like if you could check on me every couple of days. That would be great. It's just talked to them. Yeah talk to them and and I mean I think sometimes you can spiral out through talking. Yeah you can't use and you can't use their advices like bond because they're just another person with no no training right so but I think just having. I think that like honestly hugging people helps holding hands helped things like honestly like physical comforts like like. Let's say that you have a relationship with your mom like her getting you. A Cup of tea could really help London Baby. Oh Yeah I was GONNA say t even if you're in America but I bet it will be even more more helpful in London. Yeah people have t there's also you know APPs for their me. I haven't used them but you know the other people really like them. So there's APPs for therapy where you can just have a therapist that you talk to via an APP that could do it immediately for waiters is also like mindfulness APPs. So you're not talking meditation. Your they're giving you some coping skills for sure honestly just like do not the spare I think that while it's unfortunate you're not able to get the therapy that you want and need. I think that you can kind of like macgyver yeah put a band aid on like macgyver. Some skills and Co and learned some coping skills and also know that You're more resilient than you think in that if this is something you want to tackle them and you will tackle it and you will get better. Yeah you're already doing half the work. which is knowing what to do and trying to tackle it and asking for help also I can recommend a meditation. Tation sir. thing on spotify called the honest guys who are great and so Check them out. They helped me a lot. Just remember to be kind to yourself herself which is how we love to end every segment. I know right. We should just say the theme of this show is to be kind to yourself unless you've made a new seat. They kind to yourself. UNLESS YOU'RE A serial killer and fuck off if you want to submit your international questions to just between us pod at G MAIL DOT COM. Oh that's just between US P. O. D. G. DOT COM coming up next to you got a juicy interview with our highly esteemed guests immigration lawyer. Mark o'mara glitch. The ground instance we saw get mouth-watering seasonal recipes and premeasured ingredients delivered right to your door with hellofresh America's number one meal kit. They make cooking at home. Easy Fun and affordable hellofresh cuts out stressful meal the planning and prepping so you can enjoy cooking and get dinner on the table and just about thirty minutes or even twenty minutes with their quick recipe options. There's something for everyone including low calorie editor -Tarian and family friendly recipes every week. They've got more five star recipes than any other meal kit. So you'll get something delicious and can finally break out of your dinner. 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It's time for the juiciest most scandalous controversial segment known to olive podcasting. Tough question today. Our guest ask immigration lawyer Marco. Magli thank you for coming. You're most welcome the floor we get into the real stuff. How working with my dad? Oh yeah it was fantastic. He was a great teacher. I remember he used to force us to sit around one that we can have lunch and prepare pair something that had come out recently and of course you know we were terrified now to talk about at lunch but everybody got free lunch out of it and I've tried to borrow. Oh things from him where I can because when I wrote to his firm they send me to him they say go to Ken Raskin's for six months 'cause he will actually teach you. Oh Aw. That's so lovely. I'm so honored to be his daughter. Oh my gosh well so we wanted to talk to you. We wanted to have an immigration lawyer on on for a while. So can you tell our audience a bit about what you do. Yeah so I am an immigration and you know the the coolest business immigration lawyers which means we basically work on the immigration world. If you're going to immigrate here they're kind of two columns of ways you get here. One is by family ties. And one is by your employment and I work on that employment stuff so I do work for a bunch of different corporations big ones one or small companies or startups or people themselves who have the ability to sponsor themselves. Because they're either you know they're a big deal or are there entrepeneurship starting something but everything that has to do with employment and and that can mean a bunch of things You know I did calls from companies all day long. I WanNa hire this person. I want to bring this person over or please help. I'm concerned that not not complying with those laws. You know when you get a job and you have to go in and When you start a new job you have to fill out that little form where you prove of what your identity is and lies to work and most of us just hand over our passports? If we're American citizens and well those little forms generate a whole a lot of fines so the government who loves to go out and check on companies to see if they're doing those forms right and because they know you need one or two people to do it basically you know. Bring a spreadsheet and tally up a bunch of fines because they find you put something in the wrong box or something like that and can You know collect a lot of money without a lot of work to do that. That's right it sounds like a really boring paper pushing kind of job. I'm filling out applications applications and writing about why this person or that person is qualified to get a visa for like extraordinary ability because they're specialized in a certain something that you know. It's very hard to find stuff like that sounds boring. It's actually at least to me. Pretty pretty fascinating and especially now. Because we're kind of on war-footing everything is being pushed back at. Because if the goal here is to from the government side is really to reduce numbers and and so it just means I have a lot. Fourteen hour. Days is what it means. Yeah Kim's so you were talking about the ways in which the government is trying to limit immigration now and and that's in the news a lot so can you talk a bit about that. Yeah like how has it changed since since trump has taken office. Okay so what they've done is interpret existing rules that are there. There's a heck of a lot more harshly and just make it kind of find ways to make it a lot a lot more expensive and to make these employers have to jump through a lot more hoops pay us for a lot. More time. Spent whatever things that would you know oh to to clearly kind of discourage You know just discourage System that's right it just becomes. He comes too expensive right so In some cases they've done that with no rules but mostly it's just by interpreting rules In a new way they've they started right off by saying you know within a few months of of of coming into office A memo was put out for this. This part of okay. It's all like instant sound like bureaucratic. Maze Hell this part of Department of Homeland Security called Citizenship Citizenship and immigration services. And they're the ones we go to apply for all these benefits the H. One B. Visas you've heard about all these other alphabet letters t. he and e. l.. You may not have heard about them. But they're there and they all have their own requirements and you have people who've been here for a while and they're extending for example but they sent out a mental that said it does not matter what any administration before us did. It does not matter so you might be looking at just an extension for another three years of somebody who's already been here for three years on one kind of visa and seven years of schooling before that you know and you know there's been here for more than a decade or whatever we think they were all softies so you have to look at this though you've never seen it before and apply much higher standards and you know push back wherever you want to push back so what it's meant is everything is send in first of all you get these wildly different results because it's really vague. The guidance from the government is vague. It's really honestly Outside the rules they make stuff up all the time. Yeah I mean I they I send in a petition I stay. Say they come back and how to explain it. It's it's turned the relationship in two very different one between us and the government. It's this contentious thing now so we send them something day right back and it's like they're trying to get away with something they say well you sent ABMC and and that didn't prove anything and then you have to come back at them and go. Well I think you missed A. D. F. G. H. I. N. J. which I also included Th that kind of stuff didn't really go on before and you have to point it out. It's sort of like they're they're bullying and you have to believe back. Have you seen more success. From people from certain countries versus other countries. That's interesting. It's it's indirect They sent out around the same time. Another memo. That said be particularly tough essentially on the computer programmer programmer and computer types of jobs. A lot of those jobs are held by people from you know India Pakistan. Yeah that's right that part out of the world and so the result is that a lot of people from that part of the world. Even if they've been here for years or getting denials having to go oh home sometimes home for a while before you get something together and refile of course. That's only in those instances where you know. The employer cares enough have to spend money on people like me not just once but to three what however many times it takes to get the person so it seems it out so so the result is yes. People from certain countries have more trouble. I mean an example of that is if you're on one of these temporary visas and you're also trying to ultimately immigrate it's important say that a lot of people come over and they do schooling and then they moved to a temporary visa visa might even be here for a while but a lot of people still. They don't want to stay here forever. They might actually spend some years here but they go back for the ones that are staying and they decide to stay if they are in the Green Card Q.. And we have a per country limit on how many people are GONNA EH emigrate each year or get a green card. Well what that means is you're on one of these temporary visas. You only get a certain number of years. But if you're we're going for a green card you might be subject to like a ten year backlog on the Green Card which is way more years than you're giving so then they have all these exception adoption upon exception that they've built so that you can kind of keep stretching out the temporary visa and the spouses of a lot of those folks they are allowed to get employment authorization. They're not allowed to get employment authorization he just temporary but if they're on track they're allowed to get employment authorization and this government since they came in has been trying to knock that out since they came in first of all. They know. It's going to discourage a lot of people from staying right because they're back down to one income so they don't want the people who are married to people on the Green Card list to be able to work exactly that's right. Vat Falls huge disproportionately again on women from that part of the world because because of the per country quotas quotas we have by far the ones that are most backed up or people that are born in India because the numbers are bigger right. So it's like the pig moving through the snake right like the more of those you have from one country the more pushes everybody down the line. Because you've got ten times as many people as you have in the quota so it ends of being the really disproportionately affected people are people from that. Part of the world and their spouses are unable to get work authorization. They he hasn't been stopped yet. They're trying to stop the rule but the way it's being discouraged now is you can for example. There's a rule. You can only renew your employment card up just six months before it expires. But they take eight or nine months to renew the card on my God. So it's all very like insidious because they can't get their way and actually changing the laws. That's it I mean it is also 'cause they're in a bit of chaos like this government is asking these officers to do way more stuff without really any the increase in resources so I think honestly is too that they simply just can't get all these things so what happens in that situation while people often lose their jobs right if there's a woman on such an employment card I mean. She gets to the point where hers expires and she says. I'm sorry I'm you know you're supposed to show up than to do that. Same little form I talked about. You know we have to show up and show that we've still got work authorization and they can't and you know. How long is the employer going going to allow that to happen? So it's just one of many little pieces that discourage people and then people have left and this is markedly different friend from prior administrations. Yesterday's we've always had problems with backlogs. There's always been problems with suddenly some kinds of applications taking a long time. I started in this right after nine. Eleven so there were big backlog then and then people from the Middle East and various places. They'd be applying for citizenship. Listen ship and instead of waiting eight months for an interview they were waiting three years You know things like that would happen so I've seen versions of it but this is really concerted across the whole board and everything is taking a really long time and obstacles are just being thrown up everywhere and it's racism you know is it. The thing is well. Okay so the the spouse were the couple is Norwegian. Aijun will never be stuck in that situation because they're never going to exceed the per country quota right so they will have had their green cards a long long time before the folks from India so that it has a racist Effect but you know I have to say when I'm filing H. H. ONE BS for Financial analysts from Germany who were at the top of their class at the kinds of schools. You would have heard of I. I still get the pushback that says you haven't proven their specialized. You know okay. So it's really more. It's more Zine Athena Phobia. It's a phobia but you you know you can't make it's hard to tell I mean Stephen Miller is kind of making a policy right for driving a lot of the policy if you've heard of him. Oh Oh yeah yeah you know. We know about his leanings. Because of certain emails that have recently been released meal kind of knew them anyway. You know so you can't make overtly racist policy but if you make difficult for certain occupations that are generally populated by people from certain parts of the world. Okay you're GONNA have that effect but I don't know that it's then it's over that I can see it having effect and I made a lot of you know I go out to clients and I do. I do something doctors in you know. And everybody gets fifteen minutes with Marco you remember Lucy. The doctor is in. I'm showing my age against Charlie Brown. Yeah Charlie Brown and Lucy so I go to. The doctor is in one after another person comes in very anxious right because they they. They've really built something here at this point and the message is it doesn't matter and they're they know people who have had to go home after whenever it is a number of years and they're going back to place where they haven't built their contacts write contacts are here now and it's very anxiety provoking so obviously the purpose of these policies that you want companies to hire Americans right that would be the government's explanation of trite and the laws are designed that way you know the to make it so you know like if you transfer someone in on something called an L. Visa you have to it. Oh you did. It has to be because you can't just you can't get easily that particular kind of specialist here and the idea is that it's the kinds of people where if we let those people come in it's actually going to generate. Hopefully more Americans work right The same thing with the H.. One BS their rules there to make it harder and it's supposed to be harder to hire the foreigner. You have to pay a certain amount you know you're required like you're required to pay the lawyer's fees for an H.. One B. Visa when you can't pass that that cost onto the foreign national you have to jump through some hope so they make it tougher and yes it's not supposed to be just like hiring an American or just as easy. It's supposed to be tougher. Sure do you see that. It's working like it is helping American employment or is that something that's too tough even call on the macro side and what I mean anybody the macro side like in the big picture it may be. I mean I think it's cutting both ways because the companies that can afford to say oh to heck with it. I'm just going to set up shop somewhere somewhere else. Are doing that more. You know because they want to get who they can get and they don't want to feel like they're compromising on that so there are companies that can afford to are setting up stuff in Canada. Canada has responded by saying. Hey Wow okay. We're going to be really open. And they've Added some visa classifications that streamline the ability for people to get those visas in Canada so that they can say to companies. You know I mean if it's so tough down here to get who you want. Come on up to Canada. It's it's you know. I bet that benefits the Canadian economy. I should think so I mean. That's that's why they're doing it right so it was actually doing the opposite. We're losing business by having these strict rules. We are losing business. Losing some business because of Because companies also want predictability. You know and and it's it's hard when you can send in exactly the same petition and get two opposite results because partly because of this vagueness it seems maybe who knows. Maybe some offices are taking the cue to be aggressive more than others are. I don't know I mean I've had instances for example where you send a like there's a kind of a block filing that you do with a bunch of petitions and there were like thirty thirty of them and we got okay on most of them and then we got pushback on another group and we could tell by the little codes at the bottom that the the pushback was all from the same officer so obviously taken the block divided up amongst three or four. People just depends on who you get. It's random cam depend on who you get uh-huh harder tougher you know but the standards are like toughened up but there is. There is some variance there. Say I ask you. Maybe you're not qualified qualified but an immigration lawyer in someone who works in immigration the situation at the Mexican border with the separation of families and all of that is that something that is unprecedented. Is that something that you guys are concerned about. It's not something I touch a lot and so I can't talk a lot about it but It is you know the trump administration will be the first to say. Hey you know. Obama separated families as well but it's a little deceptive because what they did was criminalised silom. Yeah they they had criminal charges for for folks crossing the border and what that does is. When there's a criminal charge you can separate a family? And the Obama Administration didn't criminalize. The trump administration is what made it criminal they changed. They changed that policy because the law was sort of always there but then it wasn't enforced. I until trump right well again I think it's a different way of enforcing it but I think yeah I mean it's it's a little out of my daily work. I'm afraid so I don't want it so to speak irresponsibly on it but It's Kinda true at least the illustration I just gave. You is something I do know so. That's the way you take something. That's it's there as a possibility and enforced to the different way and it can result in the separation of families a lot more separation of families. And then I've also seen that immigration judges are just sort of quitting has. Is this news well. The morale is low A.. A Jeff sessions was the attorney general for Awhile and he's gone but he hired a bunch of New People. He wanted them to behave a different way. He also got in and kind of changed. A lot of law himself like what what happens in Immigration Court is a Lotta Times. They follow something. Something called precedent decisions. which are what they sound like? They come from important court decisions that have come before the immigration courts are all under the Attorney Attorney General. They're actually all really part of the president's bureaucracy so they're not like courts you think of where the judiciary you know where we're federal courts parts can actually Are separate from. The president can actually stopped him the way that they've been doing on travel ban and things like that. It's a court system. That's administrative eight of so at the end of the day the President or in this case his attorney general is the boss so basically he just went in and took some precedent decisions Asians and he didn't like and just negated them rewrote them. So this is not the rule anymore and appointed. I know it's hard to think of because we think think of these courts as having an independent being but immigration courts don't immigration courts are actually all part of the executive branch just like the AG AG is part of the executive branch he's appointed by the president. He works for him And then he in turn appoints the judges that's right ultimately yes So you know this. Jeff sessions had training sessions for immigration judges where essentially said. I don't trust these immigration lawyers. They're just trying to figure out tricks. So there's just a lot of in tag like the the relationship is antagonist like I've had to wrench my head around from being like you know a person applying for benefits for companies to. That's all I said the beginning it's more like we're on a war footing I send it out there. And I'm ready for a fight. And he's sending their answer back and the first thing. I'm doing like aggressively going through finding all of the things that they say wrong. And actually I pick out grammatical stuff and all of that to point out the fact that I say they can't have read this very closely because you know. Look look what they look how they misquoted this or did that. We're all just attack each other now it's kind of a little bit of a microcosm of what we're seeing right in the country. We're all of server. We're all contentious against each other if there were to be a new administration. How quickly do you think the stuff could be? Reversed can take a couple of years. I would think to get new judges into reverse all the backup and everything that's right. I mean the judge thing I mean you still have a lot of good judges judges and on what I do in terms of these policies that that they're following At these autism these big service centers that you pack your application off to. They have to go through a process to push through policies or their habits. The bits that are going to have to be changed. There's so much of it That it's not GonNa happen right away on the other hand. These changes happen so quickly that maybe that should make us a little optimistic. That's true you know it depends. How quickly how an administration? What kind of a priority are they going to make it? Um because you have to throw thought and bodies audit a lot at it a lot of time and effort into them into this administration. Just kicking out these memos going out putting people in all the offices were like envisioned hanging over people's shoulders take to get them to do things in entirely different way than they've been doing it because they obviously made a focus on that so there are a lot of things in new administration would have to deal with a lot of areas love different parts of immigration a lot of different things. So what are their priorities gonNA be. How quickly would they put just as much energy into Getting this stuff back to normal or you know maybe a new normal uh-huh versus the other priorities. They would know they would focus on. Are we losing out like in terms of people wanting to come to the US or feeling mm safe in the US like are we losing out on people coming here anecdotally. I've heard people say that you know they're we're not really sure how welcome they are. Welcome they would be. However that's just here and there I I still think that there are people who wanna come here? There's still so there's still a sense that there's opportunity here that they would rather be here if they could but they go to other places now because it's easier easier. There's still this idea about him. And this sounds Corny but there is still this idea about America that it would still be the first choice. It's just that the first choice. It's just become so difficult and people don't WanNa go someplace where every couple of years. They're gonNA worry that they might get. They might not be renewed this time because the more you invest the much more painful it becomes to their nasty leads yeah. I think that we are probably losing out on innovation and People that could benefit our our society and our economy if to take a capitalist view of the whole thing you know as share from clueless said it does not say. RSVP on the Statue of Liberty on that note would you like to play a game show. Sure Okay Great. I'm still processing everything you said and horrify but we have to persevere. That's why I tried to take to clueless to lighten the mood. So hypotheticals is a game show or are you and Gaviard contestants. I'm going to give you some hypothetical situations and you guys can ask as many questions as you want. Then you tell me what you would do in those situations then and I decide if you're right or wrong completely arbitrarily so sort of like it's me against Gabby yes yes we are adversaries right now. Think of of me as an immigration judge okay an impartial one Nanno incredibly partial. Okay Okay Okay so our first game is would you lie or tell the truth. You hate your neighbour a lot. One night you see their child sneaking out of the House and getting getting into someone's car with a suitcase the next morning your neighbor asks if you've seen their kid they can't find them. Would you lie or tell the truth for context context. This neighbor has called the police on their blackmail man three times for Trespassing Aka delivering the mail to the mailbox. Okay so the person's persons kid we can assume is like leaving because the parents are conservative and And Racist Yes okay we can assume okay micah thoughts so just because they're conservative and racist but not like I don't know any abuse or anything like that right so if that's it honestly I would. I would still tell them. Wow so not. All lawyers are crooked. It has to say he'd tell the truth day that I only heard him layers crooked thing and I go wait wait a minute. We actually have these ethical rules that you know I mean I know they're all the stories and everything but you know we do things that some other people do we lose our license people find out about. I don't know I love lawyers. I just think divorce lawyers are crooked. That's my mother divorce attorney. Oh Wow oh yeah no no in Florida. She's really taking one for the team so I I think I would also tell the truth you would. You'd say they ran away because you're you're terrible person. Yeah and also like I mean. I don't know that I would like give a description of the car or anything but I'd be like. Oh Yeah I saw it. I saw I saw them leave and they'd be like what did you see and I did not my glasses. You'd be like they're safe but I'm not telling you where they went. Well how do we know who they run off with like. Thank you like say something like You know like use it as leverage and say even though I've seen you do all these like mean things because I'm well in my case because I'm a father I'm gonNa Tell L. U.. This where you can say. Don't ever call the police again and I'll tell you ooh yeah. We solve that one good job guys got more points. I'll give you more points. Good Yeah 'cause you're partial. Yes I'm very we're all very partial in this game. There are bias Knicks game. Are you a terrible parent similar theme your that. Your child is bad at dating. Especially Sean I states so you create fake online profile with the help of a woman you've hired so she can go on a date with your kid and report back on how they behave on the date eight. You then tell your kids therapist what you learned so they can help your kid in therapy better at dating without your kid. Knowing you're involved at all your the kid goes on to successfully date someone you absolutely hate. Are you a terrible terrible parent. Yeah I I mean I think I am because all that bind the back stuff that led to it. Did they fall in love with the person that they the person you hired. I thought about about taking it that direction but that was already movie with Matthew mcconaughey. Hey and Sarah Jessica Parker so I don't want to step on their toes but okay then how does the person and they went on a date with that you hired and it ghosting ghosting. We'll know the date was so terrible. That your kid understood that they never get a second date. Oh so the kid knows. They're bad at dating waiting. They they look at the facts to say. Don't know why they're bad at dating and they don't know what they're doing wrong but somehow through this whole trick in the therapy at least got a date finally but then they started dating a person that I hate yes. Golly that's a tough one workers. You're happy with their dating on the one hand you have been now. You have to deal with their significant other WHO's awful. I think I think like that's the penance. Like you did all this stuff behind their back. They're happy you got to hang out with Angela. Who Sucks Yeah? You know what they'll try you're paying the price in the price and they may just be joining to get back to you because somehow they figured out you did that. Twist and turn. Let me tell you what happens. Is that their your partner hates you back and they take your kid away and you never see him again. What I am sorry about that? They immigrate to Canada go to Canada and they find it pretty easy to get exactly how full circle full circle our final game. Are they an alien alien from outer space. I WANNA clarify situation worse or are they just rude while at the gym a very old man takes the treadmill next next to you even though there are many others free he then proceeds to yell at you to go faster and faster despite only walking on his treadmill is he a an alien or just rude. It ends up being the best workout of your life. Wow and how. What results are you seeing? No this is the best workout of your life. Just like the calories burned is the most because he's been screaming at you to go faster. I love this guy reminds me of my son's baseball coach. When my son was eight would scream at your kin? Oh this guy would scream and he would light a cigarette and walk up to the left field line and all the parents on the other teams thought we were crazy for having our kids with him but He got results he he got resolved. Boyd noticed takes me back to my terrible double parents. Thank you so much for joining us. This was so informative and important. Where do you think people can find more information? You know what's going on in in the immigration courts. If if they're interested our bar association is called Ayla American Immigration Lawyers Association Association and then they also have like a separate foundation thing called American immigration counsel and they're constantly putting out how you know. I just get these news blurbs or I get things that are going on in courts or things that are going on down in Texas and policy stuff that's going on so they can be a good good grief source There's another place for people like you know when they worry about the have a friend and they're they're worried about the travel ban and Oh my lord or they're gonNa you know what. What do I do you with my phone? When I'm they WANNA take my phone for me and look at it when I come into immigration and all of that will the ACLU website always trust some good guidance on things like that? Because that's been a thing that you get asked about more and more because when you come into the airport they're asking to your cell phone and to look through it and ridiculous list. Yeah well thank you. We'll we'll provide links to both those things in the episode prescription and thank you for coming on you so much and my dad says hi. Thanks for having me terrific. I really appreciate it guys after the break. We'll be talking all about what defines a healthy not relationship like we know back to just between us it's time for topics. XXXXX XXXXX ex- ex- baby. I kinda sing along to the music to like banner. Were I was doing. I was doing it quietly quietly. They'll pick it up on Mike they'll pick it up in post. This week's topic is healthy relationships. What's that like? No just kidding readers. Listeners audience please write in this no what is that. Look like. This topic was inspired by this tweet. That's kind of gone viral Arrow where this woman said you know writers if your partner doesn't read your work then there's not supportive and you should break up with them Its author Morgan Jenkins and I think it was like hey date someone who reads your work and people were divided on it. Yes so there was a lot of response where it was like. Absolutely your partner should read your work and support your work and then other people being like I've been married for twenty years. My partner doesn't read any of the books. I right but is supportive of me in so many other ways and sometimes people were like I would die if my partner read my work which is very funny so it just got me thinking about like that there are so many different relationship styles that work for different people right. I was wondering if we could sort of like find some tenants that sort of apply to everybody everybody well. My partner is a musician and I love their music. I listen to their music. Even if we weren't dating that's huge I know. Do you think you could date them if you didn't like their music. So that's the thing right like I have dated a musician who did not like his music and it was. Oh let's bleep that bit so it's like you know. Oh this thing where it affects your respect for your partner and obviously you and I both know. Respect is huge and important in a relationship respecting each other. I say that's the number KNBR. One tenant of a healthy relationship right so I would hope that they liked my work and respected my work and we're interested in you know like my partner read my comic book and like Ah Breezed through it in a day and I would hope that I would like their work and they would like my work but I think that's just something that makes me. That's my definition of respect back which I other people might have a totally different definition of respect. What could you be with someone who didn't consumer work? I'd feel sad. Yeah I would feel sad but I would want to curate. What of my work? They they don't they don't need to see all of it. There's certain things we're partners have been like. Oh I watched and I'm like you really didn't have to write or like AAC. This isn't representative of what I do like. They watch like a branded video. And I'm like no no no no no but then you know. The person I'm dating now is like only listened to the new record. Don't listen to anything I put out before. Oh really yeah and I'm like I love those songs and they're like a embarrassing. That's so funny. I know I think I have dated people. They didn't respect their work or didn't think we're funny or didn't think they were talented and I want to be with someone who I would consume their work even if we weren't together well I can't believe you dated someone you didn't think was funny. Oh yeah in or didn't think was talented or would like worry that they weren't good that things or get frustrated that they were like bad at their chosen career. So I think that that kind of comes back to like respect. Yeah so obviously in different careers like I'm not qualified. You know someone's a good doctor or a good accountant or good right but you can kind of get the sense of your partner if you feel like they're capable person that yeah and that's part of it but also some people are like I dunno my partners Like a shitty their chef and their bad at it but I they also who are really supportive of me and they do other things that I love and they're kind and they treat animals. Well I don't know you know what I mean. People have different standards. But that's what that's what we're getting into is like you have to figure out what matters to you and what's important to you so for me like I couldn't date someone. I didn't find funny right. Obviously the law geary with someone. The more likely likely this is to happen. But I think it's really bad when someone's personality annoys you. Oh my God and you see that with so many couples especially the older couples where it's just like the basic principles of this person's personality. Annoy them if they seem to hate each other right. I think it's really important into can always find each other amusing. Yeah and to share a sense of humor I hate. There's like couples that I know that have like one person says. Is that something to the other person where they're like. They hate this thing and they hate their personality and they hate all these things and try to change them and stuff and my thought is always like back. If they don't like all of these things about you go like leave like why do you WanNa be with someone who you think all of this negative stuff about right so I think the important thing for a healthy relationship is not wanting your partner to change significantly right because then then you're just like in a relationship for the hope of the future. Sure I think like what the relationship is today. Yeah it's so weird like 'cause there's like stuff you know where friends will say well. My partner doesn't like this this and this and I'll be like well that's pretty mean of them to say to you like you should kind of stuff like you don't know how to take care of me. You don't know what to do when I'm upset you're selfish and you work too much stuff like that right and so it's like okay. Well my advice is like you should leave them. Because they're being really mean to you but also they. It shouldn't be with you like why are you with someone who you are like mad at all the time and don't seem to enjoy. I would argue that sometimes. There is a learning curve curve on figuring out how your partner wants to be cared for. Definitely you have to communicate that someone might not get that right right away then. What matters is if they are responsive to what? Ah You're telling them a hugely so for me. The thing that has made me feel that my current relationship is very healthy is that there is is so much communication and the assumption of good intentions. Yes the benefit of the doubt that when we disagree on something we are coming coming from a baseline of you are good person and I am a good person and nobody is trying to hurt each other and things get resolved like that for rush because it's just snapped in case on Mike. Yeah because because everyone yeah good job thank you yes Amar I assume but yeah like everybody is coming at it being like. I believe that you are not militias huge and the hi dear that you to our team yes as something that Jake says all the time that like. He wanted a teammate. Like we were on the team if there's issues it's not like us against each other. It's like us against the world. Yes yeah and that's really important and not taking things personally that they don't take things personally. I don't take things personally like the assumption is always love or that they just didn't realize or you. You need to explain something which is like I was like like talking about Maybe buying a place in L. A. eventually and My partner was like a little upset and I was like. Why are you upset like like why? I don't understand what I did and they were like. I don't want you to talk about buying a place like I want you to include me in your future and I was like Oh. I was just like mindlessly chattering about like what I might do. When I buy a house I so did not realize like but instead of being like you? Don't think of me. And you cut cut me out and Blah Blah Blah. They were like hey just include me and I like Oh my God absolutely. I'm like you know what I mean. The assumption that the other person is just like you know l.. Like not coming at you to hurt you but like just being a little whatever and then communicating that need without anger. I also think it's so crucial to share the same values news. You're going to have a healthy relationship and obviously those values can vary very much between couple to couple. Yeah but like it's family a priority. Right is traveling a priority right like what do we want the future to look like. Do you WANNA have kids. We want to save money. Do we spend more money day to day. Like I think that all of that stuff is just going to set you up much more success than like if you have different values you're constantly going to be battling each other. Yeah and sometimes your values can be we both of you value independence absolutely and so you don't necessarily want a future that is Traditional right I mean it it is like really he just down to like lining and I. We've talked on this show how much you and I both hate the concept of soulmates and how that is garbage and I think a lot of people get into super were unhealthy relationships. Because they're like no. This is my soul mate. This is my purse and for some reason because because they're addicted to you know oh obsessive love or because they have been with someone for a long time so they must be their soulmate or whatever it is. If things aren't working you can always like not be together. You know what I mean. There's no obligation to be with someone if it's unhealthy and I think that like you should be with someone who's willing to put in the same amount amount of work as you. Yeah so for one couple. That could be very little work. Yeah their relationships will be the priority and that's fine as long as that's both people right or another couple might like the relationship is they're both there's number one priority and so they're willing to put in all the work they need to to make it work but you just have to be aligned on those things. Yeah I I think sometimes Your Body reacts to like your body gives you clues like sometimes I've been with people and you you know that your partner's coming over and you're anxious anxious Or like I've been with people where I like kind of in the back of my mind to know that it's not good and we should break up it's unhealthy but I don't WanNa do anything but then my body audio's like my stomach hurts all the time and my like eyes are sunk in my hair is like falling out or whatever I don't mean you're is like physical symptoms Adams of stress. I know you do but what what happens. I like dark circles. Oh like I have like very physical reactions to stress and so like when I know. I know that something isn't right. Even if I don't WanNa admit it your body will tell you And that's something to pay attention to because if your relationship is unhealthy your body body will feel it. I I think like a thing that is really nice and I was talking to my therapist about my current partner and my therapist was like it's just com- Like it's just calm. There's no like intense drama day to day. There's no like I'm not trying to decode messages or a of fight. You know it's just like discussions and also like I just feel calm. It's so nice to become. Can you imagine think about what are pass. Can you fucking imagine being calm like in the past. Could you imagine being calm like we are now new. WHOA I don't even relate to myself in other relationships anymore oh it's bunkers and like if you're partners yelling at you by you know I was driving down beverly with Dan and I screamed. I hate you then. He tried to get out of the moving car. Like what that is not. Okay Yeah UH obviously you might not be that. You're a bad person but like two people can be triggers for each other right so that's the other big component is. I think a healthy relationship is when someone brings out the best in you and and you like the person you are when you're with them. Oh huge huge man so many relationships were so bad. Yeah it's hard and you know what it's it's hard to get out of them when you're when you're like in the middle of it in the midst of it you go nobody understands. This is just how we are this. Is You know what I mean like you do this whole rationalizing in your head. It's scary to be alone. It's scary to go through a break-up but there is hope to make a come on. Tell us your thoughts. This is a very heavy episode. Yeah Super Heavy so we love to meander between very heavy and very relight here on just between us so I was just going to add. It's really interesting to be in the room with two people and really great stable healthy relationships because I was gonna come in and say I've been on a break from relationships because I know exactly what you guys are talking about and when you just don't have that then sometimes it's nice to take a break doc. I think yeah. I had to take a break before I started dating. Jake and like is like really reassess a lot of stuff and work on myself a bunch like. I don't think that I could have had the healthy relationship in Japan. Have with him now if it was me a couple years ago. Yeah me too me too. It was all bad behavior. Like I don't want to seem like it was other people. It was like other people in also. Oh my own bad behavior and why was that my instinct to just act like that. Yeah I think like it. It's like really important for both people or multiple people to be in a good place when you finally meet. Yeah so I think it's really important. That's the only thing that went to add to this conversation. It's just so important to like understand who you are and what you want what you need before you can get to a place where you can be a team and that you don't need the relationship that the relationship isn't what makes you whole as a person it's something you want is a great addition but like I think I think that then you get into codependency. which isn't healthy? All so people act like they can't control who they are attracted to but you can know if you know that you're attracted to terrible people you can work on that and try steer yourself away. Save yourself bud. You know how it's going to end and don't do it. What are we rate this episode? Ten out of ten Marco's. I don't know I just found interesting interesting interesting. Yeah Yeah Yeah. He's very interesting. Well Irate at ten ten new administration's yeah please please. I liked that. He was up like at first. He was like it's going to take years then he was like well. You know they did this so quickly. Maybe we can fix it quicker than we think that is nice to think about yeah to make it what he rated ten out of ten guys yelling at you on the treadmill with your reality that'd be horrifying hypotheticals was funny. It'd be so scary. Wow I think we really did a good job helping the person who needed Alternatives to therapy. I hope so right. Let us know if we helped you. Also just please review this podcast. Yes please review this. podcast casts subscribe to this podcast. Send it to a friend to subscribe in review right like just just give us five stars and then right we love it. Don't even write anything. Just just give us five. Stars takes one second. Come on guys come on. Also we have merchant pods WAG DOT COM very exciting after that shameless promotion. Just between Asu hosted by me Allison Raskin and me Gabby done our engineers Brendon Burns. He also composed are killer theme music producers to Meco weather spin in our supervising producers. Josephine Martorana our executive producer. Chris Bannon just between us as a production of stitcher. I have nothing to say other than America. America high high of just like with disdain. Yeah America are like America cluster mark. Yep Lena Yeah ooh stitcher.