82: Talking Body (Image) with Amy Porterfield
Ladies and gentlemen did I mention I have a book coming out I probably did. But here's the thing it's coming soon. It's called get out of your own way a skeptics guide to growth and fulfilment and we're in the presell window of windows Listen listen your old friend Dave here. I am super excited about having written a book for both men and women about the twenty lies that I once believe that we're keeping me in in my own way. I have written this from the perspective of someone that is totally different from. Rachel Hollis even if the format is somewhat similar to wash your face I wrote it from the perspective of someone who's been skeptical of tools like this book or even the podcast you're listening to for ever and ever someone who's had a fixed mindset in his way okay with not wanting to embrace growth and someone who's just motivation Lee challenged. I do not have that thing that Burns inside my wife. That every single morning has her jumping out of bed. Ridden chase the world. It's through that Lens that I'm talking about the ways that I was getting in my own way and I think in uncovering the truth behind and those lies not only did it. Help me get out of my own way. It'll help you get out of yours in real time as I want to thank you for pre ordering this book I've have created an e. Course he course yes and Ekos a sixty minute. He course called finding your why. It's a full hour with a workbook talking about why you don't know your passion your mission in life yet. What the components are of your y? What might get in your way along your journey and how to activate it in real time? It's a fantastic resource. It's available absolutely for free right now for having pure of the book and if you go to get out of your way the Book Dot Com right now and follow the prompts. Not only when you get the course you can hear the first thirty minutes of the book again again. Get Out of your own. WAY COMES OUT March tenth. I'm super super excited about it. These pre orders matter Dang it I hate to have to ask for a favor from my friends. That are listening to this podcast but here. I am every single preorder for this book ends up going on the charts when it comes out on March tenth. And we're trying to turn this thing into something so if you are a fan of this podcast if you were a fan of grow wash your face if you are interested in having my perspective respective through the Lens of a skeptic someone who had a different mindset and different motivation than my wife this is the book for you get out of your own way. The Book Dot Com. Tom Hit that link. Follow the prompts and I appreciate your support all Right Ladies Season Gentlemen. I'm here with any Porterfield online marketing. Expert Amy Porterfield. She is very very good. Incredible teacher and the host of the top podcast online marketing babies. Amy Order Push Three. She motivated me. There's something about EMU lucky that it's extra special. Avian Pink bigger and she truly has the biggest arc's girl you weren't going to be success. I want to say one more time. Crash and Burns are the catalyst for the most powerful lessons that will tattoo pull you into into achieving those big bold goals that you set for yourself this year. I've watched you behind the scenes jump right in and I've also watched you exceed even your own expectations of what they could my message today for you is that digital forces can literally Change Your Business Business and your life. I have a multimillion dollar business with two courses. A few live launches a year in one course on Evergreen Ninety five percent of my revenue comes from my digital courses. She gets that permission. And I'm a big deal. You're all big deal for saw. I have to start from a place of amazing gratitude because Amy Finding you is transformed my life. I now believe that I meant to be a big deal in this world. took me a long time if you could get there faster than me. I really hope you do because you show up differently. You sound different. You say things that are very different than you would when you were playing small and your life can change if you step into it because after all you are freaking a big deal. Hi I'm I'm Rachel Polish and I'm Dave Hollis and we're married for like fifteen years and we have four kids of like a thousand kids you've been foster parents for kids as well and and we're running a business together. That's a lot of thing is a lot of these but we know that it's possible to have exceptional relationship. Regardless of the stresses. Do you have in your life so if you want some tips and tricks and how we get through. All the things is rights together. Walking through the rise I got the job. Alright have a seat while I pass pills right. Oh Yeah Have you ever worn flat. Shoes honesty life. My influence is affecting you and I thought if I wear heels she's getting. Im I it will be up so amy is one of my best friends. I have this incredible privilege to so many of the people that you see on my sage. Who are working in? The back room are just friends that have had for a long time and amy and I had a trip and we had a really interesting conversation on this trip and I I challenge of Mike Seventeen I was like. That's a book. PODCAST is a conversation we have to have and I asked her if she would come. And and sit with me in front of you all and have this conversation in front of you all and I want you to honor and holds face for her because it's very vulnerable offer her. We Really WanNA show that real so that you have some concept of what she's been able to do professionally and the conversation today is about personal stuff which normally share now so this is a huge deal and so grateful that you're willing to do it and the intention behind this is so that you can See a narrative that I've seen play out of the last couple of years I've had honor and the privilege to interact with so many women. Incredible Powerhouse Warehouse Women Women who are successful personally professionally financially. They have these lives. They have these are. Everybody would say my my gosh like that's it right but behind the scenes so many of these same women feel like they're not succeeding because of their health. Yes so UTAH. We take us on your health journey. We talk about where like tell. It's where it started. Go back as far as they're willing. Go back okay. So I'll go back as far as when I was eight years old and I was in a weight watchers meeting. So that's what my very first memories. This of how I felt about my body. We're in a weight watchers meeting. My mom had always struggled with her weight. And so I just struggled with my weight right alongside her as a really little girl and so from then. I literally have been dieting since age and so I went I was I. I was never a big big girl. I was always just bigger than the rest of the kids in school so I thought I was fat as Taller. Curvier it's to bigger girl in general and so I went went through all of grade school thinking. I was overweight thinking I was fat. There's never been a time in my life that I've been in a bathing suit that that felt normal and there have been very few baby bathing suit moments moments and I went through high school that way always bigger always dieting. Always hiding hiding hiding. I think I spent most of my life hiding my nobody behind closed behind events behind. Not doing things and I went all through high school. That way still dieted college all of that. It wasn't until and guys I'm forty three years old wasn't until about a year and a half ago that I said this ain't work. Yeah so I'm curious. Anyone feel like they have similar experiences being put on a diet really young struggling with it throughout childhood right so this is a narrative that plays out pretty often and so tell me about the last year and a half. So what happened was I. So I've had this business. I have for about eleven years and when you are in online marketing you gotta make videos and you have to take pictures pictures. You'd be hard pressed to go back a year and a half before anything before that to find any picture of me ever. I use the same photo. Oh in everything so anyone that keeps using the same photo. That's like five years old. I get that and any video always boobs up. I always said to anyone taking a photo title of me. boobs up video moves up and so with that with that. I realized that I was playing small. And I was in a partnership tip and I it was with a guy and he was kind of behind the scenes professional professional partnership he was behind the scenes and I realized lies. I wanted to get out of the partnership but if I got out of the partnership that meant I had to show up in my business in a bigger way and I was so tired tired of playing small and I saw all my friends doing big things and making big things happen and I knew that I was playing the smallest game ever and I got got to the point that it felt so heavy that I didn't want to do that anymore. But Funny Enough I had had some success in my business but in my head I grace I had said it and I heard myself in grace and my head. I thought I cannot be successful. This overweight so I can't do it. The amount of time times that I have spoken I spoken so much in the last eighteen months the amount of times that I have stood in a room full of entrepreneurs business people and Said said. What's your version of enough? Not Enough thinking that they're going to say I'm not smart enough. I'm not connected enough. I'm not I don't have the right resources. The amount of times of asset question Russian and a room full of female entrepreneurs will say I am not thin enough. What the Hell does thin have to do with being successful in business? It felt like ahead everything. So what okay. I believed in my business that if I so I am about sixty five pounds less. Listen I was about a year and a half ago and I'm still on this journey. Still thank you inca and sixty five pounds ago. I believed that people wouldn't buy from me if I was overweight. They would look at me and video and they'd say something's wrong with her she's overweight. She's fat and obviously cliches weaker if she can't get the weight off she's not sexy at that weight like something's wrong with her and I thought they weren't going to buy me and I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to create read a business because I was heavy and the thing is like who admits like people don't talk about this and yet most of us are thinking it. We're we're like oh my gosh I did this. I did that thing and I had this like but I'm still a piece of garbage because I'm not a size zero. Yes that is the narrative that is playing in the back of our head and so we went on this gift right. She's been on this journey and she is done. In such a healthy way got a nutritionist. Really really encountered it in a beautiful healthy and then tell us where you are now in sort of. What's prompting you okay? So what happened was we were driving and together other on this little trip. We took and I was telling her. I'm so glad I've been able to get the weight off and I've done all this work but one one thing I said when we were driving as I still care deeply what people think of me and I still care deeply about how I look and how I show up and I knew knew there was still some work to be done because I want to get to a place that I don't care what anybody thinks about how I look. I don't care if they think I'm fat or thin Dan or sexy or not. I genuinely want to stand in how I feel and how I think and I know. I'm on the journey to get there. I've done so much work over the last year or so but that it is a place that I feel like. I'd be unstoppable. One of the things that you say as your friend that I hate. I'm not GonNa like this is you. You always say you. Do you always say I'm not at my goal weight. I was GonNa tell all of you but I'm not at my goal way. But what is that going. How's well who's going to be a different person at a goal like how it's not GonNa Change you and you're still going to be insecure about how you look because there's there's always another mountain? Valentine's Day is coming up. It was my birthday. Also your birth burleigh celebrate Valentine's Day but not only that you're also running your first ever marathon. I am and when I get done. I'm going to need something to celebrate liberate Valentine's Day my birthday and having finished a marathon. And there's nothing more than I would like then baked by Melissa Mini cupcakes. The thing is Dave. Dave does even know all of the time that he has eaten baked by Melissa because he's not usually one that procures the sweets in our house. I don't procure very. Yeah you you don't you don't I am the one who is the connoisseur of all things desert and so I loved loved by Melissa because the cupcakes are bite sized. WE'RE GONNA have red velvet. That's the only flavor that you like cookies. You know they do this. Valentine's Day send your loved ones. The perfect gift baked by Melissa GOTO BAKED BY MELISSA DOT com slash rise together and use the Promo Promo Code rise together to get fifteen percent off your order to take advantage of this special offer for podcast listeners. That's fifteen percent off at baked by Melissa Dot dot com slash rise together Promo code rise together okay and when we we talked about that. That was the first time I thought about that. Like fully cow. Like what. How am I going to be at that goal weight different than how I am sitting here right now with you and I don't have to be any different? Yes and I think that's the journey. I definitely am still. How do you get from that place of thinking? If and and so many women do this right. We think if I could do this then I will be happy. That's what she said. If I could be cute and a baby to then then I would have more friends or people would like if then if then and the reality is it's geography meaning like it's going to be you do with all your baggage and all your crap and all of this voice in her head because you're not dealing with that in the geographies change. I mean a different state of life. Maybe the bodies physically physically different. But you're not fixing what the real stuff is. That's the thing so what I've had to do over this journey is you and I've talked about. I have to show up differently and over the last year and a half so it was funny. I I'm really into my business. So a lot out of how I think is business minded and I went to this woman to help me with some marketing copy. And Her job is to whittle your whole existence down into one word word so I spent thousands of dollars four days. Yeah and she does all this interviewing with you and she talks about Your Business and your life and your loves and insecurities and you whittle it down and when you leave her office you have one word. And I'm like so excited for this case so I get in there and we spend these two days grueling. I'm crying then I'm working through stuff. I'm so excited to get my word. And I'm thinking like empower word influence like these great words cheever and and she takes out a piece of paper and she's like okay so your word and she puts it on the table and it's big. Their word is big but she and I said head fuck no now now no no see men like personality ability everything thing and in the moment like not me. She didn't mean me. But I don't like that word your camera angles off. Yeah we're looking at this. I looked at the word and I'm like Oh and my whole life. But here's the big realization. I looked at that word and I looked at her. Like I'd like my money back now. No and I looked at her and I said AH my words not big my whole life. I've been trying to be smaller. I don't WanNa be big in this world physically big. I don't want to take up into much space. A my word cannot be big. I don't want that and she said and that is why your word is big. You have to accept that and I left there completely mad at her and that word an over this is what was crazy over the course of like six months I thought well what. What else does that word mean and it really did mean taking up space in a bigger way having a bigger voice getting on video and doing my thing in a big midway no matter what no matter what anyone said no matter what anyone thought no matter even what I thought to myself I had to show up in a bigger way matt was over over a year ago and as you know two thousand nineteen groundbreaking year for me in a million ways and I believe it's because I accepted that I will will be big in this world not physically but when you when you always try to lose weight you always WanNa be small like we're focused on being small? Aw and so I figured out. I don't want to be small in every which way and this body even to be in front of all of you at the way I am. I'm in how I look. This is a big deal to me. There's that word again. It keeps coming out. It's a big deal because even this morning I took a picture of before I came on and I'm like Whoa. Those thighs are kicking it today and then I was like an hello there. They are do you when you have. I like that. Do you do something to now idea. Yes so now the old me would have wallowed in that and the new me is like I am here. I am taking up space face. I am doing this and I also know remember the woman that just came out that said her superpower Jane her superpower is this thing that she's working through. I do believe if I get up here in talked to one woman in this audience. That is not doing her thing because she's not at her goal weight and I'm up here saying and I'm not my goal weight either and I'm doing my thing and I'm up here saying fuck. Go Away I the young ladies. Sorry but Jeez Louise what are we doing okay. So let's talk about this first because you also Rachel such a great friend have to. She pushes me a lot and I love it but also loves you and she loves me dearly but there is something about reaching a goal and like I want to prove to myself that I can do that. Discipline in new habits and mourning rituals. Because is I eat my feelings. Another thing I forgot to tell you. I'm an emotional eater. I one time I talked about my weight on my podcast. Who was a nine minute episode? Usually usually they're in our nine minute episode. I talked about my weight and I talked about how I went through. Something really hard in my business in my son had a birthday party the night before and I made them all these cupcakes and so we had the birthday party. There was tons of cupcakes. Leftover I had a hard day the next day when he was at school. And I ate every cupcake. The embarrassing part was in this part. I can never get through without wanting to cry. He came home and asked where the cupcakes were. And I had eaten every single one of them. I eat my feelings. It's like there's no other released I used to so. Why isn't the goal to tackle that? Okay this is where I think Reagan. 'CAUSE I like the goal is that number that number that number but you and I have talked about the goal can be to not eat my feelings to have my morning rituals to to move my body thirty minutes a day had elsie coping mechanisms yet. Better yet backtrack. Even more cheer root cause what is prompting you to want to get to that state in the first place to want to get to like. Why are you getting what is what is the feeling that you're having that is making you go Benji? Yes in. Its this feeling of anxiety for me. It's not knowing the answer and so I can't live in that where I'm starting to learn if I don't have all the answers I'm just GonNa sit with that every day doesn't have to feel great uh-huh I can sit with the discomfort the unknowing the anxiety and move through it. There's also I was talking about earlier. This idea of anxiety is is a fight or flight response in your nervous system and if you will actually go do something physical. It's a way to trick your nervous system. Like oh she's she's fleeing Like she's doing the thing that I want her to do. Truly the next time that you're having like go do physical activity go do something that gets your heart rate up and insinuate because it really does help trick your body like Oh okay okay. She did it. She ran away from the tiger. We're fine yes tiger. I want to get back to the idea of the Galway. Yes done here because you're going to give them an a-plus answer instead of like I like dig it. I can tell you guys. She wouldn't wouldn't tell me kind of what we're all going into here. So I feel very unsigned out. You and you would have tracked. You've written your answers in practice them it out and I want like this is so beautiful just real quick. You've done one episode on your way. What and how many episodes about online marketing just has Korea hundred? What was one of the most popular episodes? You've ever done that one. That is the puzzle when we have the courage to talk about the stuff that nobody talks about. That's like Oh thank God somebody else said it be real right now who is not pursuing something in their life that they wish that they could do because they don't think that they look for it so many women in this room so many women in that room and so the question is look. If you we're like I am really WanNa feel better in my body. I WANNA have greater physicality I wanNA stretch. I want whatever or I want. I have inflammation formation and so I want to make sure that I'm eating Greens and whatever. Yeah that's not what you're saying. No no no I really WanNa know I got it. We got it all. Been Vince you by the end of this that the goal weight is a thing. No no I hi. It's like we're laughing. It's this is the problem you really believe on some level. Like how many more pounds is it fifty. I would like that. And now we all now they all know the level of crazy I get to do you. You believe uh on some level you believe that life would be better fifty pounds lighter. You're right and here's the thing that's not getting anywhere where I need to go. I've been struggling to get to my goal weight my whole life. How's that working for me? So I'm hearing you want to really get behind this because I know chasing the a number versus actually living healthy habits and doing those things would act China light. You remember we talked about this earlier. Today you're going to get to the same destination. You're just just going to do it from a place of love instead of a place. Shane and that is that literally will change my world. Absolute I hope. I hope that you all know that I believe this. It's just really hard for me since eight years old being weight watchers. All I know is get to my goal weight. It's it's my goal weight and life is going to be exactly how he wanted to be. Although I don't I realize that's not true. Yeah what's in my head all the time. So my challenge to amy when we were on this trip it is. What if the goal isn't a number? What if the goal? This is hard work. What is the goal is? Can you love yourself right now as you are if nothing ever changes because if you can't love yourself as is you can't love yourself self as something else. It's so true like it's never it will never be enough and because you maybe you do get to the place where you but you still so have all this crap which means you're gonNa back flied or something and then you're gonNa feel more shame and then it's going to spyro like it when it becomes a thing that's about your way you're chasing the wrong goal and so the challenge is what does it look like love yourself as you are and I remember sitting at dinner with you when you were like. Oh what where would I even are. And I'm like that's the journey. That is the journey. And that is the journey. I am willing to get on one million percent. What thank you so to me? Hey this looks like you unpack the different areas of your life where this affects you. Yes so you say to yourself. I believe that these things would be. He made better if I was at my goal weight. And that's like my business. I this my plot. Whatever it looks like right right my confidence might and then you and then we dig into like we'll why? Why do I think so? So let's start with business because that's the one. Yeah why do you think doc straight talk like why. Is it going to be better so this one. I could talk about all day and I won't because I feel like I'm living it when I get on video and I'm not hesitant and I just speak from the heart and when I do photo shoots and I let just all the photos get out there and when I just show up in a bigger way I know I'm showing up for my audience. Making it about them. Not About me that one. I feel like I've been working on the most and part of the problem. Is You get tricks because losing the way gave have you confident yes and the confidence is actually what made you successful not the way you associated with the wrong thing. Yeah so she's like Oh. I went on this journey and I lost his way and then I had the most successful year I've ever had really it was just. It was your mind your body I was I have. I am a different different person. Now that I work with a weight loss coach and I have habits and I have morning rituals and I work out and I move my body. I could do that sixty pounds ago and I started seeing this confidence. Come very early on in the weight loss. It didn't happen yesterday so one hundred percent. Well because I think you're making traction so it's like there's something something happens even if you go on. Let's let's let's talk about our health journey which is in the way that we normally would talk about which is how many pounds of you lost. That's what most of us ought to and if you've ever gone on any kind of journey like that and you lose even like three pounds. You're like I'm doing it Hallelujah. I'm doing it. Yeah and the idea of doing doing it. Even if you get sick you ever got snake and you lost three pounds overweight right and so the act of having any kind of traction is what starts to build the confident yes and then if you continue to have traction that confidence becomes mm stoppable one hundred percent but then you forgive me if I'm talk like if this is wrong but you got to a place where it started to plateau and then that started messing acids your head and yes. I've been in apply toe for a while and I've seen it Kinda messed my head which is total proof of what you're saying in the sense of when I make it about the weight and the weight is not coming off now. I feel shaky and like Oh what am I doing wrong or whatever however if I made it about the things we've talked about how those can happen everyday no matter what the scale says yeah and I think part of it too is like there's there's a lot of stuff that we can control in our life right. You're you're an achiever achiever you have all the things you want to do in the business. You don't know though you don't know day to day and so that is something that you you can. If you're doing all the good girl things that you're supposed to do in your checking all the boxes you can actually see. Look at me. I have result right right. I'm achieving being. I love. I love to check off a box. Yeah yes so. Tell me what this looks like. Now you're we're we're having this conversation you know. The the mindset isn't right like what I said to. Amy Was Jane said this earlier like what are stories are our superpower. Yeah you know the world needs you exactly as you are and the challenge to amy all the time. She's like well. If I was at my goal way then I would be more confident on stage and I'm like how many women who look exactly like you need. Then they need to see you then need to see you loving yourself. They need to see you you showing up. Because they're over there hiding in a corner hiding their body so afraid and you're like what did Liz do for the war I I. It's so true and that reminds me so one of the changes I made was in. This is so silly and simple but I had to clean up my feed my news via facebook talking. I if you look at it now you see women have this beauties that are all these different shapes and sizes in Oni net. Yes and when I look at that and I see these women owning their bodies I think what if I owned my body so that all of you can see. I'm doing it. Maybe you want to do it too. So that was a huge huge. Yeah I did probably about two months ago I went onto my instagram. I unfold six hundred and something people slow because I started in life I started as a blogger years ago so I just ended up following all of these women who were lifestyle and I'm sure like beautiful incredible great women but every time I would see a picture of them even if it was not an immediate conscious thought I was basically. I'm like that's what a beautiful body is supposed to look like just all dams calling through and my brain is saying beauty beauty beauty beauty. I'm not seeing went like honestly what I don't follow i. Ah I think it was like a Kardashian like when you go on instagram. And there's the little despite glass right you can discover and clicked on it and there was a car dashing. Like Whoa Body Ati. Wow that's a thing and then who follow who Catan live your livewire all good one. Hud A on on instagram. She has like fifteen million followers. She's a makeup chick but she's Middle Eastern and she has these BS voluptuous body. Audie like like Whoa and she has a sister. Mona and Mona has this beautiful body and these women are gorgeous and every time they go out there just it's like Bam Bam Bam owning it but like but but symbols like the in a way that I never saw growing up. I never saw full figured women being like here I am. I am freaking beautiful and let me show up and not like oh I am a full figured woman but like I'm a woman here it is is. This is what it is and I saw. I saw a picture of them at something in these dresses. They just so gorgeous and I thought why isn't that in my feed. Why isn't that instead of like the beautiful? You know you know what I'm talking about right. y'All have someone in your hand right now that you're like it's she's six feet tall tall girls small girl the other day and she is perfect and she's in my head. The images usually like a beautiful blonde. It's like Giselle Zahle. There's avs there's a but right and that's what I'm seeing and I'm thinking there's something wrong right that that comes with that and the reality is it's just because I don't have an example. Yes regularly in my head filling my head up with someone who has a body that looks like a woman's body that looks like a woman's body and so the challenge that I have to you that we talk about that day is can you fight to love yourself if as you are in the answer I've given lots of thought to this is of course yes that also means and why we came up here and we wanted to talk about this and share this as I do have to give up like never ever again saying when I get to my goal weight yes like that is a huge shit that I've never experienced. So what are you replacing it with. So what am I so I don't want it to be when I get anywhere that important. I wonder how yes so I want to be here. I want to own it right now so I want to replace it with. I do these things. I move my body thirty minutes today. I drink the stupid water you know I I plan the meals. I do these things every day no matter what and we talked a little bit about relationships and you know my husband Hobie and Hobie. I'm very lucky. I have a husband that no matter what weight I am. He thinks I'm the sexiest thing in the world. However I mean very lucky right but however I don't when when I get in my head about my weight I don't think I'm the sexiest thing? And what really ruins our sex life our intimacy. Our relationship. Asian chip is when I don't want to be intimate because I'm afraid of how I look and no matter what he thinks of me are not that yeah that is a relationship ship crusher. Absolutely right anyone ever struggle with not one eight God. Please tell me my sex life up here so super-normal freed you this all the time. I do like about wedding right now. So yeah so this Roy. Hope he's going to die so so anyway. I do think I need that. I saw it show up in my relationship for years and years and years and I realized I've got this man who loves me no no matter what I don't love myself no matter what and it's affecting so many different ways and that's when it gets scary when it starts to affect the relationships and ask an interesting question I earth office before but do you ever think so. Amy's husband is former navy seal which how bad ass right very sexy and now as the firemen stop and so I just I had this thought which is like Hopi is such a definition of like a man yes is like masculine man. I hope we're recording. I mean eleven threw him later. He's GonNa be so happy happy. You're right then you feel like on some level is there some subconscious play like. He's the man than I have to be like of low woman a million for San and I always like the man the bigger one you guys at one point. I weighed more than my husband. Like that was a hard thing in my head and again he never treated me any different. But I knew that number and I I was like mortified by it so I showed up smaller in I acted smaller in the sense of. I just didn't play full out with him. And so yes I look at him as the man I have to be the a woman in to me and my head all these years. It's like but she smaller. She's she's little she's sexier. She's quieter she's whatever. Do you ever think about what are the things that you do in your daily life because you feel like. That's what like the sexy pretty girl is supposed to do is. They're things that I do you. Yeah I'm sure such as like dress a certain way or act a certain way. And maybe you wouldn't naturally gravitate to or like so what I'm thinking of reality is our example that we always give you crap about is your heels on stage. Oh yeah so amy wears these. Like benign inch stilettos to an hour Keno. Yeah that's insanity GONNA fall worthwhile fear Yes us. Why do you wear the shoes so I wear the shoes? Because I think I look sexier in heels than I do in flats and I wear them because they feels Dell's more feminine than glad that you are becoming friends with my lesbian. So let's funding your life feel great after I was onstage. Beans sent me a pair of vans sneakers in the mail and she's like lesbians no comfort. Ah I do have them. But Yeah I have these preconceived notions in my head of what it means to be a woman. And and here's something I've never admitted but because I'm a bigger girl because I've struggled with my weight. I feel like have to overcompensate in other areas. I've gotta buy the expensive close to look good on stage. The expensive ends of shoes. I've got to have my hair a certain way because I'm overweight so I better do all these other things to make up for that and that's very exhausting. Yes yes very exhausting. So I was speaking at this event a few months ago and there was a woman on before me and I will say her name. There's there's a woman on before me and she's doing the same really beautiful and grey shot big deal and she's got these high heels on and we're backstage and we had to all all the speakers had to go from one place to another you're walking right and she's walking and she's like you know on stage. She looks like statues and beautiful and then she gets backstage. And she's like a newborn giraffe raff right and she's acting like that because she's in pain. 'cause don't don't lie you know if you just gave an hour Keno in Stilettos does your. I don't care who you are what you say. It's not comfortable for your body. So she's backstage and she's in pain and her sister runs over with a pair of converse and these aren't just like out of the box commerce these are you can tell her favorite shoes. They are beat up to how they're all worn down and she pulls off the shoes and she's like immediately like Oh thank God and she puts on her sneakers and just like our whole everything about her changes. Because she's comfortable and she's like oh those shoes and she looks down at my feet. You and I'm wearing sneakers sneakers on stage and she's like. Oh my gosh that wow you were seekers on on stage and I'm like yeah I've discovered that I'm just as successful flat shoes. The as I am in Toland so crazy how that works. Yes because you talk about this lot. We've you've never talked about this like behind the scene so don't punch related for asking you questions on but you talk about being sexy. Do you feel like that's one of the things that you I feel like. You have to be like Oh like you were saying like you have to buy nicer clothes or do you like. That's just sort of a native who you are now. I think there's something being in my head that thinks I have to be that way when I'm in a predominantly male industry up until years ago there weren't many women at all all and so I always noticed that that a little bit of that sex appeal I think went along way to stand out from all the men and not that it's good. I'm not saying this is a good idea but I think that's how I came up in the ranks and so yeah it comes up again and I don't want I don't want to feel that way. I don't want to feel like I have to be sexy or whatever and so. I think that comes back to compensating for the way. Yeah yeah well and then I would also worry that sexy see becomes almost like a an an something you put on. Yes like sexiest is sort of turning herself into sexy versus. Who You you are when tru being sexiest truly? Who are you like? When you're naked like who are you at your core which also then plays into this idea that intimacy demissie becomes a problem? When you're not feeling because sexy is something that I would I am? Yeah inside this so true you know. I never realized how much I compensated compensated because well I'm a bigger girl while I'm overweight so I'm going to compensate and all these other areas. I think that's something I could really explore and start to look at so that I don't WanNa come and see for any of it. I just WanNa be who I am right now right the second. Do you like that. Compensation is on some level apologizing apologizing. Yes that's the conversations a very nice word for saying I'm apologizing for taking up this much space and the book for You yes I might have read it once or twice. Where do you like but where do you think that comes from in usually usually for most of us it comes from our childhood? Where does this and we talked to earlier we talked to Samantha about this idea of perfection from her mom? So where do you think this comes. I think mine comes from my dad. I my dad was was rough on my mom for her weight and I saw that all my life in so I fell l.. Bad I felt like I was bad for being overweight and I still struggle with some of those in work through those but I know I know exactly where it came from from what has been what are other things in your life that have been the biggest catalyst for change because it's like if you need a catalyst for mindset shift like as this powerhouse woman that I know you to be like walking through what you walk through and getting out of the partnership all of that stuff the idea that you are still still letting a man and a man who was in the wrong. He was doing something wrong even if you love him even if he's your daddy whatever you're letting the opinion opinion of a man still control the way you feel about yourself as a woman forty years later right and so what your question so in fact what I what I'm asking you is what is another time in your life and maybe maybe just something to think about maybe for all of you you. What's another time in your life where you have made drastic change and what kind of catalyst was necessary for that? So Dave like for instance. I the greatest this catalyst for change in my life is when I get a New Vision. I can see where I wanna go. I see the what one of the greatest catalysts for Dave to make changes is he imagines worst case scenario he imagine bless he imagines. But there's there's both people in this room that you need to imagine it all goes to hell. My family hates me. I'm an alcoholic like you go to the worst possible play. And that's how you motivate yourself so if you can think of and you don't have to answer oh I don't know I think for me. It is looking forward knowing. There's so much I wanna do that looking casting that vision. There's so much I want to do so many things I want to try in this world and I really want it bad and I know that I don't WanNa struggle to get there. I know oh I don't want to worry about what my thighs look like every day to do big things in this world. That sounds stupid even coming out of my mouth so freaky really is only one. Who's eight guys that stupid so ridiculous? I I don't know one man that thinks that maybe some rights not even go there. Yeah so we don't have enough time for that but I know I want some big things in my life and so I want it so bad that I'm willing to get uncomfortable enough to kind of figure Out some of these things that are keeping me there and so I'm I'm here for it. I mean really. Yeah given. I'm here for it the I wanted to have this conversation with amy because I knew that there were many women in this room who are filling some version of the same thing and I wanted you to hear a story. I also also hoped that some of you maybe who knew her before would be like wait. You you freaking Queen you successful hero of mine you. You don't like your body like I. I wanted you to get like. It's not not because there are those who they're women in this room. Who are thinking if I could just be at Amy Porterfield level? Then I'll be happy owning. Your president is understanding standing. That if you can't be happy today you can't be happy tomorrow straight up so I wanted you to hear me talk about this but also what hope that we did for you. Today is model some some behavior not all of you have been given examples of strong female friendships or what it is to trust another woman and what it looks like. Just sit down with your friend end. And Hey what's up with you and not talk about surface level things we do for a minute we go real deep real fast real fast. We're like what's going what's going right what's going wrong. Why do you think that? Is We really therapy session. Each other I do this with all of my friends. And there's the greatest gift that happens inside outside of that. Is that someone or her one of us. One half of the friendship is like what the hell are you talking about. You need someone to sit with you and ask you. What the hell you're talking about because you know the Bible says that which is in the darkness shall be brought into the light? If you keep it festering in the darkness it will grow. It becomes a cancer. It makes things worse. You have to be able to talk about these things and if you don't have a friend in your life I want you to be able to have girlfriends but if you don't dudes or cool too but there needs to be someone I mean. This is the community to find it. This is the community find. Someone doesn't have to live in your city. She doesn't have to be at the same place in her life. But you need another sister who can say. Here's what's going on. Here's how I'm feeling and you need. Who is the J.? Lo to your beyond. That's what I meant. Who is the person that hypes you up when things going well and hold your hand when things are hard? That's the challenge. Give it up for my best friend Amy.