Sexual New Years Resolutions
Welcome to nightime conversations with steve and phraya where we take on the deeper subjects of relationships. Life love sex and personal happiness. I'm your host freia norden. And i'm here with steve cohen. Remember to like subscribe. Today is saturday january. Second two thousand twenty one part of the new and usually this time of year. People are making new year's resolutions. And i've been inspired with something that happened recently with me talking with fran yordan and she mentioned sexual new year's resolutions and what what so i asked her put on. Hold hang on for a sec. Let's save that for a podcast. Because i want to hear all about it. Let's talk about sexual year's resolutions freya take. It helps steve happy new year and up near to you. Tell me about this. What is this. What is this thought of sexual new year's resolutions. Yeah well okay. So everybody's making news resolutions for fitness and money and all these kinds of things. And i think that particularly with the last year and i and i hate saying the seaward. I'm going to say kovin here. And there but i think that there's a lot of people who are frustrated sexually and A lot of people have as their plan of action for sexual frustration. Look at more porn. Make passive aggressive comments complain about the lack of sex or complain about hus- sex's boring or even kind of get nasty about it and start making nasty comments and it doesn't actually go much further than that as far as you know when you're unhappy with sexual problems so i wanted to bring up the subject of like well. How about taking action. That feels good. And is empowering and effective. So are we talking in you. Start sort of thing i'm talking about. A new perspective will k. Versus a new start because there's a broad spectrum of people who may be frustrated sexually from People who've been married for a long time to people who are single and having maybe they're not having any at all. Maybe they're having trouble meeting people. I think that in any circumstance there can be a different approach to sexuality so that you feel like you are again on an empowered path versus that feeling the frustration and a feeling of disempowerment or victimhood. What you said earlier. I see a lot of that in at various discussion groups where there's a lot of complaint and and it's not intentional the nobody decides. I'm going to be grumpy and angry at my wife today. But the complaint is. I want more sex and it's not happening And there's there could be a torn of resentment a tone of. Do we make this happen. So you're the expert in this field. I'm going to lean on you and tell me. Where do we go from here. How do we start. What i what the first let's talk about the the whole complaining thing now. I know like when. I look back at my marriage which was a very long time ago. like us Almost twenty years ago. I did a lot of complaints there not being enough sex and then after a little wilder. It's not just that there wasn't enough sex but it was also like really boring. My husband wasn't seducing me or making me feel attractive and my way of dealing with that was to. I would bottle it up and then once a month and usually that was pms saying because i had less control over my emotions then it would all come out. And i would complain about it. I would bitch. I would be kind of passive aggressive. And then i bought a little up again and i managed to hold it all in for another month and this cycle that continued and it wasn't effective. Didn't work for me at all. Have you had any of those kinds of experience. Oh yeah oh yeah yeah. In previous lives with a number of partners. I always believed that the problem was her that that's what i believe to call. And now i know of course. It was a dilution but i always believe the problem is her because she won't give me sex when i wanted. Or what do i need to learn to turn you on. So i can flip that switch and make you haughty to wanna have sex with me. That's where my mind was at the time so i can relate to this. Oh yeah and it's something super esther parole said about this it pertains to what you said is that she said that Famous a relationship counsellor esa parole said that behind. Every complaint is a desire is a request. But we're not articulating it that way. We're not saying. I wish you would hold me. Where saying you're always busy with this and you're always doing that. We complain about something rather than asking for the thing we truly desire but sometimes even asking for something that you desire doesn't mean you're going to get it yup and that's one of the problems is when you ask for something and you don't get it then what and i would say. That's as much of a problem as the people who just say well. You never do anything romantic from anymore. Would you never you never really spent any time on four play. You don't give any blowjobs. That's very different than asking. Would i would like to spend an evening with you uninterrupted. You don't buy me any jewelry. Yeah but even if somebody asks for something. Because like i said asking is no guarantee that you're going to get from that person that you have made a decision to get everything from yeah which in itself can be problematic. So what can people do to feel better and to feel more empowered instead of feeling like a victim. Because i think that once you start feeling like you're trapped or like you are subject to the other person's moods winds and and they're in control you can start onto a downward cycle which only gets worse than it can only get worse. as long as you're in that mindset for our listening audience a victim mindset often has typically has a number of beliefs and that is i m injured. You have injured me. And i can't be better. I can't feel better. I can't heal unless you change. Those are typically the things that are part of the victimizing. Well when people talk about when therapists talk boats and counselors talk about giving away your power. I think that we're use to talking about women in that context. Oh you give away your power. And i don't think many people really know what that means and i'm going to say that men give away their power just as much as women do so this is this is any gender. This is not women's pacific. It's not specific. Anybody is soon as you put your personal wellbeing and your feelings of okinawa's in somebody else's hands you're giving away your power. That's huge and if we left the podcast at that it would be fine. Because that's a big thing to percolate. On and i think that Most people have a lot of ways where they hand their power over to somebody else even if they're handing their power over to let's say they have a very critical mother who normally they live a good life. They're happy they're happy. Go lucky things are good. They have a good and and then they go home to their moms for christmas and their mom just sort of criticizes them left right and center and even if they're among doesn't criticize maybe we should just comments you. Oh i see you cut your hair. And i see your hair short now in that comment. There's an implied criticism to which the person responds by feeling. Oh i look like oh. I feel like shit. My mom is criticizing me. You've just handed over your power to somebody who's not using it responsibly. Oh i can so relate to that go to the other scenario yup right now. Most people only go as far as to say oh. My mom is so difficult. All i feel so terrible every time but you have to go a little bit beyond that. It's not your mom is just being your mum. Yep you're the one that gave her the power to make you feel shit. So how do you change that. And that's what i want to talk about today. Because a lot of people have handed over all of their wellbeing an all of their sense of wellbeing an sexual happiness to somebody else who may or may not be using it responsibly. Man yeah sorry. Go ahead st in another way of saying that. I can't be happy unless you are ex. Or unless you are not ex- that belief means my happiness my wellbeing dependent on you behaving a certain way rather than i'm accountable for my happiness. So let's get into specifics. Because i want to really only be super practical with. I'm gonna let you go on this. Because i'm dying to hear what you've got to say about. Just want to remind you that. At some point i want to tell you the story the true story of of what you just said and how it relates to my mother. She's passed away now. But i had the exact same experience where all by mother she just. Oh she's so irritating. I can't stand it eventually. Change to make her less. Irritating wasn't her changing. It was me changing. So do your part. I what i want to hear. You tell what's going on first. And then then i'll share my story afterwards. Okay is actually. I have a. I have a group exercise that i wanna do listeners. And i think that your story would be the perfect conclusion after that exercise. It's funny because i wrote on tonight. Yeah so this has been you know. Two thousand twenty. It was a really hard year on relationships. Actually in the and coaches circles were talking about. Oh my god prepare yourself for the influx of divorces because it's been such a difficult year it you know it makes sense because it's a huge number of stress factors which can feel like Everything is out of your control for a lot of people. There's there's financial devastation. Being at home twenty. Four seven with people that you never designed to be in twenty four seven contact with like we're just not designed to be like to be like that And and what may have been a working relationship as long as the two of. You didn't have that much. Contact is no longer a working relationship. When you're together at all times and seemed with children children. Human beings were meant to be in a tribe in a community. Children were not meant to be isolated with a parent at all times zoda. So there's another stress like this is unnatural. And i think that the unnatural stress is leading to natural dissatisfaction. You gotta put that stress somewhere and we're putting that stress on each other. We're we're taking all of it and then we're projecting it on the easiest target and the easiest target is often the person that were with whether that's disposer the kids because we're talking sexual near sexual revolutions resolutions. I want to keep it to the spouse so all of this frustration. Fear and stress can lead to emotional states where you don't have access to the type of high level thinking loving and generosity of heart and spirit which is necessary for a loving happy dynamic and what i mean by. That is on the scale of emotions. I'm gonna put a link in the show notes to the scale of emotions the lower level feelings. Which are things like guilt. Shame fear anger frustrations the these are very destructive and and low level and they're unhealthy and they feel crummy to the that. Well that's how you know they're unhealthy because they feel bad. If something is a healthy emotion it feels good. Something is unhealthy emotion and destructive to your health to your wellbeing to your relationships and to to everything even even to your careers you know it because it feels bad that your body gives you an indicator which is how most people know. And if you steve you. And i were talking about abraham hicks earlier i've been a fan of abraham hicks for a long time but She talks about how your emotional guidance system you reach for the better feeling thought but that's a whole nother story so for many people. It's no longer possible because of covid because of the lockdowns because of what's happening in society Firms are are choosing to help people work from home. It's no longer possible to avoid problematic patterns of thinking and emotions so in the past when i talked about. This was a working relationship. As long as i didn't have to see that much of you now now that i'm seeing you all the time. It's no longer working. And people can no longer escape their patterns there because it's like a melting. It's like a pressure cooker right now. Everything is like all right there in the forefront. You can't escape it's too much. There's another added aspect to that and that is If we have the distraction of work and busy stuff then that keeps us on our mind occupied on something else rather than being alone with her thoughts and then really having to face stuff inside us. That doesn't feel comfortable so it's just much easier to be focused on work. That's a great distraction rather than who am my with my wife. Well there's a lot of ways to escape their work work work a way to escape socialization going and hanging out with your friends or hanging out at the bar. Marijuana is escaped now. Marijuana is an interesting in that if you are in despair in severe pain in grief in in basically the lowest level of feelings marijuana can be a positive step to feeling a little bit better but it's still not it's still not a high level way of thinking and being because you're no longer present so if you're in a terrible state if you're in the worst you can be marijuana can give you a little hand up but it can't actually get you into a healthy positive connected. Way of being an example that is chronic leg pain smokes marijuana. You can ease the pain. That's no longer hurting as much. Yeah or chronic emotional pain. I'm suffering from this. I'm feeling horribly lonely Some marijuana can temporarily ease that. And it eases the paint temporarily. But it's not the fixed to the actual problem so when people start when when people are addressing their sexual frustrations usually. There's a sense of. I want more sex. I'm not happy. I'm not going to be happy unless you give it to me or a lot of times. It in this sort of wanting sex we've addresses another podcast. It's not actually like they're horny right. It's not that they desire their partner but what they want is a feeling that they've associated with having sex right. It's not just the orgasmic. When a guy complaints. I'm not getting sex. It's not like. I don't get a chance to masturbate alone often enough. That's not the story. It's the story is so if that was really. The story masturbate easily fixed that the story is usually. I want more sex with my wife. And you're asking the question. What does it represent to you. What are you looking for. What feeling do you seek to get through that and economic but the thing is that's what's really interesting but he's like well. I want more sex with my wife but so so is it really that you want more sex with your wife or is it that you want the feelings and the connect connected this now and the love that making love with her. Generates they want validation important. They want to know they're important. Not just vaguely important to her. They want to know that they're desirable. They wanna feel like they're amand. They wanna feel like they're still alive. And yes often is a pleasure aspect to it like look at feels good to have somebody. Go down you usually. It's not about that. Yeah otherwise people would. Just go and hire an escort or hire somebody to like you know. Here's thirty bucks. Give me a blowjob or get a a really great feeling sex toy. It's not what they're looking for what they're looking for. They're looking for a feeling these. Imagine that is for guys. I'm speaking to guys now. Is imagine if your wife just lays down on the bench says do me. Is that what you're looking for. You've got availability to sex. Now go ahead do me. And that's not what the guys looking for. He's not looking for a woman who says go ahead and do me. It's i've got twenty minutes ahead. Do me what he's looking for. Is her her passionate interest in him. Her her excitement to be with him her a desire to want him. And you're right and that those are just symptoms of the phillies. He wants such as i am worthy. I am lovable undesired. I'm somebody not a worthless guy who's out of work right now. Who can't support his family. I am valued. I'm desire wanted. Yeah and just A as an aside. This is often the reason why people have affairs. They don't have affairs because their partner isn't good enough or because they don't have no they don't have affairs because they're horny. They have affairs because there's a feeling that they're looking for and they think that they can get it through this other person so my idea of a new year sexual resolution is to work on yourself and i know that there's there's going to be an immediate visceral response like fuck you. This is not going to get me the sex that i want. This is a useless new year's resolution. But if you do this and hear me out it will change your sexual life and currently were in a situation which is somewhat out of our control. I can't control what the government's doing i can't control the lockdown. I can't control the work environment or any of those kinds of things and ultimately i can't control anybody else around me to in what they give to me what they don't give to me. Your free will steps in. Yeah what i can. Control is how i feel and how connected i feel and how satisfied i feel and how fulfilled i feel regardless of what anybody else is doing and the interesting ironic thing is the better you feel in that regard the more good stuff like sex like sexual attention like sexual validation like people who just wanna make you feel good and do everything that you could possibly want sexually the more shows up. It's almost like you can't get there from here. You can't get more satisfying sex from an emotional place of frustration and resentment and as long as you're resenting that resentment is gonna hold you apart from the types of experiences that you want it. It's this might sound woo to some of our listeners. But i hear you entirely a idaho. You sound but it's not. I hear you completely what you're talking about. An i agree with you on one side. The ghetto i know that men who consider themselves sexually underprivileged amusing that word museum that god who consider themselves sexually underprivileged have a resentment towards men who have a way with women. It's not that day look good. It's not that they have big dicks. It's not that they have a lot of money. It's not that they have big muscles. What's appealing is really your underlying emotional vibration and i'm using that term vibe. Sorry i'm using it. That's okay but it's really true and it works that way within a relationship is well. Yeah so Coming back to the beginning of the podcast when we were saying like. If you complain about you know oh it's not like it's not like we do it anymore. We're basically in a sexless marriage. Oh it's not. It's not like you really want me anymore if you make if you complain and you're coming from that place you're basically the least attractive. You probably be. Oh yeah who goes through. Nothing more repulsive to u- who goes to a bar and says oh that guy complaining there. That's what i want never happens. Yeah no no. It doesn't happen and Passive aggressive comments. There's like hints. There is nothing less attractive than a hint or passive aggressive comment about sex. Nothing even with people who you love and find sexually attracted if behave in that manner and they're coming from that energy and from the space the person that you know i remember i had a lover and he look. I was so attracted to this love. I was so attracted to him in all the ways and one of the things i wasn't attracted to is. He has kind of entitled selfish attitude towards sex. Another good luck. He was very giving to me cause he liked my responses but he would make comments about blow jobs because i didn't give them all out his blow jobs and the reason i did is because he was a little bit entitled in sort of rubbed me the wrong way so he would make these through in these little hints about blow jobs and about erotic massage. Because he wanted that for me would it be an abacus. Snarky remark like. I'm a blowjob deficit this week or something like that. Those were the words but he he would just throw online and yeah and sometimes he would make comments about how in the past he would so so he would say. Oh yeah i was. I was driving. And i drove by this girl that he used to see and she would give him like an hour blowjob like a couple times a week and she. She noticed his card. She was smiling him and he would try to make me a little jealous like as if oceans giving him attention. I'm at risk somehow of him getting a blowjob from her. I was like. I don't give a shit like honestly that's the only thing that would inspire me to give him a generous. I mean generous. Blowjob would be. If i felt that he was coming at me with the same energy. Go and that would open up my heart and when my heart is open i will give anything so i just wanna shine a light on two things. One is to be self aware so that we can tell. Is this thing i'm saying. Is that a jab. That that is a backhanded jab. That i'm sending to my partner. Because i want something when i'm in critical so be be self aware and the other is if you're if your entire objective is to get i need to get sex. You'll be sending a different vibe than arly like you. I appreciate you. And i really like you and i appreciate you is pretty much the most compelling roddick vibration you can send out. I heard a female comedian just recently and this is on. Tv nodded person. And she said don't you just hate it when guys are just like nagging just to get sex. It's it's such a turnoff a sit. She says Recently met a guy he says. Hey we don't have to do sex. That's totally fine. She says what what what we don't have to do sex or now we have to. I know but that's how it works. That's really how it works and so what you said about you. Said if trump awareness the self awareness and when you make a comment so if you catch yourself making a comment or thinking of thought because of the same thing they have the same effect and actually you don't have to say a word if you're if you're thinking of thought and and having that feeling of resentful sexual complaint it comes out somehow so catch yourself and reframe it to okay. Here's this person that i want something from instead of thinking about the complaint. Imagine appreciating them aerobically which sounds very wu and it. Sounds like yeah. This is a bunch of new age. Bullshit stuff. But i can tell you it works if you appreciate somebody. Ironically it's like magic and that jake that appreciation has to be genuine appreciation rather than obscene this to get a yes. Yeah yeah that that energy of getting it doesn't work unfortunately it just doesn't work i. Unfortunately it's not that important. So what you describe as my life for for most of my life. I craved the attention of women. Believing i can only be happy if i find a partner. Who's going to give me abundance. Sex. who's always a haughty who's bisexual. I can only be happy. If i find that. And i really believe and i got virtually no sex ed. I was not happy. Guy continued to be not happy guy Eventually i worked on shifting. Who i am for me took me many years. But at the on the far side of the journey i eventually discovered that sex is really easy to get and it's no longer big deals norger thing. I'm aching four. What i really like his connection. And now i honestly i can beat a really attractive woman or just an average looking woman. I can connect with somebody and really like them. And somehow they sense this that i'm relaxing you and it. It leads to a closer and emotionally closer connection that might inspire somewhat might inspire onto a sensual erotic or sexual experience. It's not a guarantee but it might inspire them in that direction. Just that whole thing of ice authentically appreciate you. We don't need to get sexy. That's totally fine. I'm just like including being presence. I just like being around you. And here's why like it. That is a different kind of vibe. Then so are we going to play toy so practically speaking if you want to working on yourself versus working on getting working on yourself is is a sort of about way of having what you want sexually come to you naturally and some of the things. I'm going to recommend instead of saying. Give me more sex particularly in this like like. I called like a pressure cooker environment where we can't always control helmet stress. We have we can't control. How much stress is going on in the household with with kids or with work or this and that so pick some things this year that you were going to learn and master and enjoy to feel better about yourself and specific examples for are something that you can do with your partner or even if you're a single it doesn't matter there's a an app called. Omg yes have you heard steve. I have not actually heard the name. But i've never looked into it so it's not like it's like every second ad on my facebook is like Omg yes which tells you about targeting. So it's an app that has studied women cross the board and distilled their sexual responses into duplicate -able actions. I'm all ears keep on going. Yes and so everybody always says you. Women are mystery. Every woman is different. The technique is different this and that not really patterns and the only reason that women are mystery is because women have never been given the type of attention that men have in science so somebody actually put the attention onto women and into studying their erotic response and different ways that women were spawned sexually so if you care about learning see this is the thing like when people wanna learn about the opposite sex and and their sexual responses they think that somehow taking like a two hour course is going to teach them everything that they need to know about. sexual look. Look if you want to study the opposite sex. This is a lifelong study. It doesn't happen in a year. It doesn't happen in a day or a month or whatever so. Omg yes is one of those things which can improve. If you're a woman that can improve your self understanding if you're a man that can improve your understanding of women and so for example if the two of you get this. Oh my god. Yes or or Omg yes or one of you gets it. You can improve your understanding of women's sexual response. Okay so. I don't know anything about this app. But i'm guessing that it's not. How do i manipulate this woman at to give me the sex i want. What do i have to do in order to get no. It's it's understanding female sexual response. Yeah so i i. I'm just speculating that. It's likely the direction of if i can be a more generous person and take the pressure off of sex. If i can take the expectation of sex off the table and just be receptive to allowing it. Should it arise that increases the chances of it happening. Well it's like this. If you understand how okay so you wanna get fitter okay so you wanna get fitter you are either you can either understand physiology and how muscle grows and how okay this is. How muscle works. I have to feed the muscle. After work the muscle have to allow it proper Rest and it builds itself and there are other factors in place such as age hormones and all these kinds of things. If you understand that then you can pretty much design your own program as far as making your muscles grow or being fit or being fit in a certain way if you don't understand that you're at the whims of coaches or people who really don't know anything about fitness but they were lucky maybe to be blessed with good physique telling you how to be fit. So what do you like. I don't know. I guess maybe it's a person i want to know how things work and sexist very interesting to me so i care about how sex works and i wanna know how to how i have the benefit of because my work i i get bodies hands on. I get to experiment with bodies to see them. I get to feel them to see patterns over years and years and years and years. And years i get to see the patterns of how people sexually respond in a lot of different ways and firestone. Most people don't get that experience minor standing of your work is it's not just physical techniques it also includes understanding how mind works and understanding what turns on the mind and tapping into that. Yeah very much. So yeah so for so for example a new year's resolution maybe well instead of just seeing if i can get a few more blowjobs this month maybe the two of us can Sign up for the. Oh my god yes Another new year's resolution or another good opportunity would be There there's an app. I think it's called dipsy smith all erotic stories so for example the two of you can say hey. I'm going to read. It doesn't have to be dipsy. Can be anywhere but i'm gonna read erotic stories and we're gonna maybe we're gonna read one or two of them to each other at nighttime per month and either talk about will. What was it about that story that turns you on another one may be for example personal empowerment. So david snyder who somebody that i really really admire. He's taught me a lot. He talks about attraction and seduction. Those are buzzwords but really david snyder is about empowering yourself to be the best person that you can be an in that you will naturally attract the kinds of things that you want your life including sex so with david snyder's work. Maybe you're going to work on yourself. And i'm saying that if you want more and better sex stop looking at where you think or believe. The source of that satisfaction is coming from. Look in the mirror in start being the change that you want to see from other people the message from at least at least the way the the way my brain interprets. What you're saying is i. I'm seeing instead of thinking. I need sex. So i can feel better is adopt the perspective of allow myself figure out how to become a happier being figure out how to be more joyful and then that through my interactions with others that joy. I'm bringing to the table. That's what i'm contributed the happiness. The joy the wellbeing that then inspires wellbeing enjoyed with others and then that creates the opportunities for greater desire and possibly more socks. Yeah and another one So i'm going to put a list in the show notes of different resources for people who like to improve themselves sexually. Another one is betty. Martin dot org yeah. She's got a series of videos and information on the wheel of consent. And it's a sidestep to kane serve saying give me more sex and said you're learning about how each other works and what the dynamics of giving receiving doing this is a big thing if you understand more about your partner in yourself. You're going to naturally have better experiences. So i really wanted to before you told your mother story. Steve i wanted to give a practical example of what i'm talking about when i say have the experience like be the change that you want to see in the other person. I'm i'm all for that. You ready okay. I've been working on that for twelve years and making amazing progress. So i swear by that instead of trying to get whatever it is you seek is be the person that is the substance of that stuff. So this thing. I'm going to lead our listeners through a group experience and it's really important that you participate intellect listening and intellectual. Leising is not going to give you that. A ha moment of ohio. This is what it feels like to actually embody the experience of being okay. Okay so i'll play along. But do i need. A box of kleenex is by my side. I don't see okay. I don't think you will because there's not. It's not one of those like to go and he'll all your traumas it's more. I wanna give. An example of kleenex is just in case. But i wanna play along with you so go ahead do it all right. I want you to you can do this in real life or you can just mentally do it. List tattered twenty things that there are to complain about right. Now in the world The world at large global politics or your smaller world like your car breaking down the faucet leaking co that masks money racism and i want you to go on a mini internal rant about one of your favorite subjects to be pissed off about. Okay are you can go on wednesdays. I can do it. Do only max she talked about. Yeah go on one okay. Human caused global climate change. It like pisses me off that into. The signs are everywhere. We've been knowing about this for decades and yet there are millions of people in denial saying. No it's not happening. humans aren't causing it. Just keep on doing things as we are. I could go on that for hours. Yes i could. I and especially because you know why because money and i'm like how can you put. How can you put more billions like it's not like you need anything. Y- you don't need a thing how can put more billions over the earth really anyway so go on like for a minute okay. An keep on renting you can keep on ranting but really what i really want is for people to access that anger and access that that bitching that complaining that feeling of like plus steve. The thing that bugs me is. There's nothing i can do about it. Like i actually cannot do anything i can clean up my yard. I can pick up garbage. But i can't do anything about these big companies which poor so much pollution and chemicals into the ocean the plastics all that kind of stuff pollution as profitable so forget about the the cost less on making profit so make a fist with your left. Hand talking to everybody right. Now make this with your left hand doing an whole and hold that fist. While you do this. Continue that complaint. And i want you to think about somebody that you care about could be. A friend could be a lover. If you're in the sexual new year's resolutions thing it could be your spouse and continue complaining and list the most annoying things about this person that you care about and list times that they annoyed you recently. And they're annoying qualities should be pretty easy for a lot of people particularly if we're talking about their partners and i want you to pour all of that betrayal that disappointment that anger that disdain that sort of like lack of trust just pour all of these things into that left fist in and get into that zone of of when you're sitting there in your house and your so annoyed at the toilet seat up. They splashed piss on the floor. Okay so holding that space. After doing this steve. Did you get some complaints about somebody that you care about gaga about this woman and there's very few complaints but i do have some thoughts that that would like to change. Yes so How does it feel to be on that train. And masking this To the listeners. How does it feel to be on that train of criticism and thinking these bad thoughts about that person that you care about it can even be disappointment. It doesn't have to be hostile to console yet. It can be sadness it can be feeling let down by them and jeff can be betrayed when you're on that train when you're in that space do you like them very much. Are you ready to end that friendship or that relationship or do you feel like you're in that questioning period. Do i even want this relationship. Do i want this marriage and asking yourself. Why do i even bother. Are you in that space of you. Know what i'm going to give me give this misery and other five years and then maybe when the kids are grown up all aleve it just pay attention to that fist again with your left hand and really feel what it feels like to have. All of these thought patterns and feelings come flooding back into body. So if you can. Some people can't because of the way. They're headphones i or maybe they're driving or stuff like that. I want you to get up. Shake it off. Shake both your hands like as if you're shaking water off them so i can unclench my left fist clenched fist. Shake off okay. I'm doing i'm sitting. Yeah if you can stand up and shake your body and walk in a circle around the room do it take any breath. I am doing that. I'm actually hey. Yeah still got my headphones on. I got a good course. I'm walking around the room. Look at a boring spot on the wall. Recite your phone number out loud to me backwards. Backwards steve okay. Good the backwards thing. I just wanted to break state so it was good and happy. Find another boring spot on the wall. Not the same one a different one and or on the ceiling. If you're lying on your back listening to this and you can look at the ceiling. Just just find somewhere boring to focus on and the pay attention to your breath and start to breathe in slowly and exhaling just a little longer than your inhale focused on lengthening that exile. Just a little bit making your breath comfortable and allow your eyes to become unfocused now and blurry and pay attention. To the periphery of your vision instead of that focus spot. Pay attention to the very edges. Of the periphery and imagine expanding it back even further. Almost as if you could see kind of behind your head because there's a limit to our peripheral vision. Good need to breathe as you're focused. Your eyes unfocused. I should say him blurry we'd comfortably. Now close your eyes and notice. The weight of your body as it is supported beneath. You buy whatever it is that you're resting on notice the sensation of the soles of your feet. Maybe they're in socks and there's fabric against them or maybe the resting on the floor continuing to breathe nice and gentle notice your right hand and how the sensations in your right hand are different from the sensations on your left hand and all. We're doing his noticing without needing to make any changes. And what i'm gonna have you do is imagine that you're breathing in and out from the center of your chest and of course the air is literally moving in and out of your nose or your mouth and coming through your throat but imagine that the breath is coming from the chest and from the heart center and that as you breathe. You're actually breathing in light in and out of your body go ahead and relax your body all the way from head to toe that a warm blanket of comfort and relaxation. Wash from the top of your head. All the way to the tips of your toes and sink down even further relaxing completely. Now make a fist with your right hand. Not so hard that it hurts to hold it but just make fest and imagine something or someone that fills you with pure unadulterated love and joy. It doesn't matter who it is could be a puppy. It could be imagining holding a newborn baby or the first time that you made love. And you looked into your lover's eyes and health after you did it the first time or the best time. What matters is that you feel that love and feel it now and just hold an imaginary smile as you. Breathe that love in and out of your chest and let it flow down into your hands disassociate that that fist. Without feeling of beautiful. Love in your heart. Magin that feeling of love shining from the center of your chest like a son and if you could turn up the volume on it turn not love up from wherever it is all the way up to ten suffer from zero to ten. Turn up the volume. All the way so that it's brilliance overpowers everything in your completely engulfed in this light. Hold that light and hold your right fest. Feel that love. And now i want you to make a fist with your left hand and at the same time. Think of the person that you complained about just a few moments ago. And i want you to shine all of that light. All of that love onto them and send them all to love and appreciation. You have right now. Imagine looking at them with the light of love in your eyes and in your heart and intentionally with that love and without light. Imagine you could illuminate. All of the things. There are to notice about them. That can be appreciated. Go on a rampage in your own. Mind or out loud if you want you because sometimes it feels good to just say it out loud go on a rampage of what you love about them in your mind and notice how good it feels to be on that rampage of appreciation and sometimes the things are really silly. I love how your fuzzy gray beard feels against my neck when you kissed me. How soft it feels or when you're working on the sink your pets always slide down and there's this little plumber's crack and it's hilarious. But somehow it just sparks it. Sparks joy of laughter. In my heart. What you appreciate as a matter. Wouldn't the point is at your appreciating sh. You can relax your hands and open your eyes. My question is what's the difference between wanting to kill somebody that you're generally close to in wanting to love on them. Is it them are they. I say this in quotations driving you nuts or is it you and is it your thought patterns and the feelings that you have access to and i'll give you the answer it's you and ultimately if you're suffering due to your relationship the answers lie inside of you versus in controlling the other person's behavior and ironically once you shift what happens internally once you shift internally these feelings from criticism to appreciation you will see it is the law. You will see circumstances with your partner or with the world at large which are more satisfying and so last night. I listened to a livestream on youtube by A phenomenal teacher and coach and killer named david snyder. Who i'm going to link to in the show notes and somebody in the questions in the in this livestream asked him how to be happy and i liked his answer well enough to write it down because of course i i knew that stephen i we're gonna be doing a podcast and david snyder said to live a life that is in harmony with your values and that's the key to happiness because anything that and and that's the end of his quote and i'm saying anything that's outside of your values is gonna sort of chafe so when you know what your values are. You need to be living within those values. That's different than trying to get what you want to pursue lutely absolutely and i'm paraphrasing. But he went on to say you can't put responsibility for creating an optimal life on any other person. And he said that. So he's a real family guy and you can see that with his livestreams like his daughters are. They're always popping into his livestreams. He talks about his wife in glowing terms. He's really really about his family and he he said you know if his family were to disappear. He has built just like from one day to the next. If they were somehow disappear he has a life that would be happy and fulfilling outside of them. And that's the key. Everybody needs to build that. Everybody has to have a life that is happy fulfiling instead of expecting somebody else to provide it for them. And that's different than i don't care about you. I'm indifferent that's totally different. It's it's a totally different thing. What are you saying. What he's saying is contribute. What i bring to. The table is my joy. And my well being. And i share that with you and i appreciate you and i value in my life. He's all about what you bring to the table because what you bring you. Also get in return. Steve i'm going to conclude with this statement. But i want you to tell your story after the statement and then we're going to stop recording so my question to the audience is what three things can you do right now today tomorrow next week to take more responsibility for your sexual happiness so that you're not giving away that power to somebody else big one. That's a big so before we go on I just want to tell you that. I i have a hard time with google stuff but This exercise exercise. You did makes me think like you know the story that i'm going to tell you about my experience with my mother. It sounds really trivial compared to what we've just went through So i have my kleenex box beside. I'm drying up though motionless in my eyes. So yeah those. There's something to that. Oh i encourage people to rewind this podcast and and do this. Do this exercise. Possibly several times. Don't do it back to back but just do this exercise. The thing that phrase just walked us through do that rewind it and do it I encourage you. I found it. I went into its skeptical. Because i don't deal well with but yeah there's something to it so well technically speaking i do have to say now. I'm a i'm a very experienced. And also well trained hypnotherapist and neuro linguistic programmer. And i the effects that happen when you actually fully participate in this type of exercise are measured by science. So it's not a this. Exercise was not a woo hoo exercise. It was to prove the point. That how you feel is determined by what you focus on his. What you focus on is where energy goes an energy really is the ability to create work right so if your energy is on what you appreciate about people you're gonna get more of that if your energy is on what you hate about somebody. You're going to get more of that. It sounds simplistic but somehow we humans forget about it as we sit there in this critical commentary pattern and then we wonder why we're not attracted to our partners and if you want to elicit Sexual generosity from another person you cannot ever elicit sexual generosity willingness and attraction from somebody by criticizing them. You can only get there by appreciating them. Because i can tell you that when somebody appreciates you fully you blossom in their presence. And that is actually. I know that. I have met men who just love women. They appreciate them. That type of man feels really good to be around. That's different than i desire you for sex or desire your company. That's different the appreciation. Is i just like you. I like being around you. It's it's totally different. When you stop you can actually enjoy a person for who they are. It doesn't matter what their faults are because their faults are not the part of them that you want to interact with any way you want to interact with the best of them so focus on the best of them and you're going to get the best of them get whatever you focus on you amplify your experience exactly. Yeah says steve. I really want to hear story. It feels trivial compared to what it would just experience. So here's a story. My mother's passed away now but when she was alive she used to have this really weird quirk. Where if we had a wind storm. I would get a call from other steve. Are you okay to win this horrible. I just wanted to make sure you're okay and it would aggravate me here. I am an adult. I'm in at the time was in my forties late forties. Why is she like a kid. Just stop this. cut it out. I'm fine. I'll let you know if i crawl confine and it would irritate me and i believed she irradiates me. She's treating me like a kid. And years later. I realized why am i feeling this way. And that is because it's taken me back to being a kid. I'm feeling now the feelings. I would have as a small child who's trying to prove i've grown up. I'm not a five year old. I'm six now. You don't have to baby me anymore. That's what i'm feeling. And that's what i'm reacting to. So i chose to adopt different perspective and that is rather than my mom is tricky mulic kid and she's calling upon me to make that it truly mlk. I chose to adopt another perspective. That is my mother is just being the way she is has nothing to do with me. She's just being a mom concerned about her adult of grownup kids thinking that their kids that they need care she's just being a mom hoping for their wellbeing not that she can affect it or change it. She's just hoping for her wellbeing and these are the words that she is express it. That's all it is. It's not that you're a kid. It's not like she's treating your five. It's not like she thinks you're helpless. She's just hoping for your wellbeing and who is that actually a nice kind of thing where someone beautiful thing. 'cause she's she's loving you need someone cares about you. They're really hoping you're okay. Yeah so when. I could adopt that different perspective. It wasn't an aggravation anymore. It was just the was just mom. She's just hoping okay. Thank you thanks mama. Totally fine totally safe. No harm here. i'm fine how are you doing it. didn't it literally didn't bug me anymore. When i could make that shift. So when i was married my husband was an acts of service guy and he used to like looking back as an adult. Now he really did a lot of things and he did a lot of really good things and he used to take care of everything like you took care of all the details. I was like a child. I didn't pay attention to any details. He did it all he did. All the work. And i couldn't and i was sitting there selfishly. Criticizing him for not giving me the attention insects and love that. I thought that i wanted. And i was so busy being in this critical space of neediness that i couldn't see that he was actually loving me tremendously because you would not put that much work into somebody unless you loved them and he was he was working and he was working he was doing and he was showing me. He loved me in the only way that he knew how i was too wrapped up in my criticism to actually feel it. And if i had simply shifted just a little bit. I would have felt this. I wouldn't have felt alone. I wouldn't have felt abandoned. I wouldn't have felt like critical and an unwanted and frustrated and on attracted to him because he wasn't giving me the kinds of things that i wanted. I would have been blown away by the love that he was actually giving me that. I was unable to receive. It's because in your mind. Love looked a certain way. And i'm not getting that thing that the way that love looked so i'm not feeling loved. Yeah yeah yeah at to bring that back to sexual new year's resolutions is. It's not uncommon for people to feel. I'm not getting sex. I don't feel loved when in fact you are loved. You're just not having a lot of sex right now and a lot of time. Sex is a dynamic that is a completely different dynamic than than love. Yeah totally different thing. You can love someone dearly and just absolutely adore them and not have sex with them. Totally different thing. Yeah so i would love to continue this discussion In terms of eliciting more sex but out for today. yeah to our listeners. Rewind this podcast. Go back to that. Exercise at fred did I i'm skeptical of that stuff. But i felt. I felt a shift just within those few minutes if it can do something for a cerebral guy like me where i can feel a shift and i believe that it can do something for you. Just allow us to be there. Don't try to think through what just have the experience. That's exactly what my instructions were in the beginning. It was participate. Don't think about this. Don't sit there disconnected and disassociated analyzing it just participate in it. And i don't find. Is that if you do the same thing with life and you participate in life instead of simply observing. You're going to have a lot more fun.