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Kyle Ayers has never seen Law & Order


Hey guys is key. And this is Jessie this new player has joined podcast about the video games people love and why they love them guys. If you love video games, if you love video game culture, if you love the nostalgia of the games you played when you were a child then come over and listen to new players joined we talked to a lot of great comedians about their favorite games like Ron funches with the last of us Adam Connor with fed. So listen to new players joined on I tunes or ever you. Listen to podcasts and now back to whatever was you're listening to before probably an ad for casper or quick or something or the show. That's true. The big in big wireless providers stands for a lot of things big contracts, big bills and big fees. What big wireless doesn't want? You to know is there's a way to cut your wireless Bill down to just fifteen bucks a month. Introducing mobile the game changing company that's taken everything wrong with big wireless and made it right? 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This is our one year anniversary episode coming out today. One year we've been out for a year. I'm always very thankful. That anyone listens to the show? We have so many great listeners. I love when you guys hit us up on Twitter, Instagram stuff and say that you like the show and want to talk about the show this year anniversary feels very cool to have made. This thing we've been doing the podcast for a year. I I love it. And in this episode. I decided I would I would write something I have never seen law and order, and so I wrote an episode of law and order, and we have two of my favorite podcasts. Guests on here. With me, we have Dave Ross and Caleb signing. And this is me Kyle has never seen law and order and if you're in Los Angeles on February twelfth we are doing a live never seen it show at dynasty typewriter. It's a live show. We have Henry's of brow. Ski on the show. You may remember his Mary Poppins episode. Henry Subrovska has never seen. Little house on the prairie. And we also have John Gabor's and Lauren lap guests who have never seen house of cards. We've got a live show February twelfth at dynasty typewriter. You can get tickets at dynasty, typewriter dot com. If you're in Los Angeles, if you're near Los Angeles if you're gonna come to Los Angeles, February twelfth dynasty, typewriter dot com. I'd love to see you there. Thank you for listening. It's been a year of a podcast. That's crazy. Thank you. And one last thing real quick sorry for so much stuff up front if you are a fan of the show and a fan of in particular, my dad, I made a bunch of videos with my dad where I told him movie titles and made him describe what he thinks happens in the movie based on the title, all those videos are going to be up on the patriotic four never seen it. It is at patriotair dot com slash never seen it. I'm going to be releasing them over the next few weeks. Go and subscribe and get a bunch more never seen this stuff. At patriot dot com slash never seen it. You can see these videos with my dad there. So funny. You've never seen law and order SVU. I've never seen any law and order. No. Yeah. No. I never seen either. I know SPF is the one that sadder. Yeah. Of the of the long good ad. Okay, beginning. Right. Are we going? He said, you guys wanna see my mom. I mean, it's about every episode is about sexual assault. Yeah. Doesn't that get? So it's not sad. It's sad. But it's it's more horrifying. I guess is what I meant. It's like, I don't know. Just amazed that for years there's enough millions of people who are like I like the sexual assault show in. It's so many people. I think that's what I've never see. This is weird. Everyone gets so right. Like, there's a thousand episodes. Yeah. Who to who said they saw dick wolf's car? Someone said they saw into the comedy Patrick. Like, a really nice like Bentley like one of the nicer. Wolf yet? I used to have an agent you wonder what his horn does when you honk it. Headphones on I heard it. Someone was telling me that they went to like some sort of writers conference of some sort. And the keynote speaker was dick wolf and his whole speech was about. He's like look the thing that all everyone in this room is interested in serial, storytelling. Anthology shows new ways to be creative inside of storytelling. I have never done that one time. I have always made procedural shows. Said. At one point said, if you break it down every single episode of everything I've ever made has been the same storyline. I am the richest person in this. I really like for dick shit. Hit. Never see. I still haven't really watched. I haven't watched black mirror, but they wanted some like wards or something like that. We just talked about this. And they were like, look we got it say thank you to the twilight zone. We ripped you off. Like, that's what we made. And it's like, yeah. This guy knows what he made. It seems to be this. I don't know how many orders there are there's s few there's regular. There's also criminal intent which didn't go to many seasons. And then they did this for you still on. Yes. Wow. I think that's the only one that's still on. Yeah. But then they also did a special movie starring eighty Falco about the Menendez brothers. That was a law and order thing the movie which I wanted to see because falcon she's incredible the Menendez brothers killed their parents. Right. Yeah. And there's this. There's a basketball card for some of his home. There's some basketball player think for the Knicks and on the card is the Menendez brothers in the front row of the basketball card in between when they killed their parents and got caught someone narrowed down like because it's like let's say you can see like a Pacers player in the background that. Well, the only time that year they played the Pacers at home was this day, which is in between when the Menendez brothers killed their parents and their parents were found and they were caught. And so they just killed their parents. And then went and sat courtside at a Knicks game. I just can't imagine killing my parents either. But if you've done that, and you haven't been caught wouldn't you spend a little extra time cleaning up the crime. It depends if Reggie Miller in town not right with like. I feel like the type of person who would kill their parents, maybe as some other. Mental issues. I know the type. Exactly me except only one difference. Honestly might be. Yeah. The best example, do you think? I think the person who might murder their parents also could be bad at making priorities. You know what I mean? Or they already had the Knicks tickets before they decided to. Do you have stubhub? We don't have the internet. Why? If we do not kill mom and dad ten. Make it to center. The L down is the L down. Got go. I guess we should introduce the show. Yes. Oh, we've been episode. We'll be talking about or you talked about law and order. I don't want to have to rehash that whole conversation. Oh, sure. Yeah. Man. I wasn't mad. Never seen it everybody. I'm your host Kyle is this is the podcast where I've comedians rewrite famous movies and television shows they've never seen before. And I'm Dave Ross and. Just me Dave Ross thank the studio to laugh track. I get hired as the one man live audience. We have landfill audience. Man. I don't know what the hell yea. That is the singular. Yeah. Definitely audiences audience audiences. Yeah. Yeah. Audio no audio whole different thing to also joined here by Caleb signing. That's right. Thank you for being here. It'd been awhile since I rewrote something. And so I decided to re this definitely wasn't because I didn't have anyone booked. And so re something last minute. It was completely on my own accord. I've never seen law and order any law or any order, man. We learned all about the three different ones, and I'm a huge law and order fan, which one do you think they get caught most of the time is that how they episodes end usually. Well, okay. That's really funny question. Because you can tell about. Like, it's. Okay. So it's called law and order. Yes. Because the first half every episode is the police the law and the second half very episode is the lawyers the order so someone gets caught every episode. I could've made my script law. Nobody would. Water watch shows like crazy. Yeah. But this this is good combination. Yes. From what you're saying? Mine is it sounds like the government makes this show. Law and order, positive spin. I think with an amber sand in the. Simple involved. Yeah. New show safety and the president. The wall. Genius in Twitter. Okay. So let's go ahead. And this I got a little carried away right in the good. Normally they're five or six pages. We're hitting around ten with this one. But the good part is a drags. Great. So I'm gonna go ahead and cast it you guys might want to grab oh grabbing musical instruments. I've got some stuff ready to scored as well. Well, I will do gaming this. I can tell you that. This is funny. Okay. Well, thank you. You. Welcome to the second page is just a scene from the Simpsons that I printed out and put in your script is it true. Well, at least I'm literally only reading character names. They're great. So I will play. I will do the stage directions and narrator. Great three. Are you guys cool with three each? Sure. So who am I Dave you will be officer pizza? Yes. That's what I wanted Caleb. You'll be officer slice officers lies. Good. Caleb. You are also going to be detective Patricia walkabout detective, Patricia walkabout. All right. Dave you're going to be detective Tony bald spot away way better. That's the detective I want to be Caleb. You're going to be parrot one. So I'm parrot walkabout and slice and Dave you'll be voice slash parrot, man. Okay. Okay. About. Well. Alright. How feeling I'm feeling? For casted. Well, get comfy because it's a while 'til most of them. All right. Let's so this is I've never seen law and order. I guess I did specifically right SVU because I thought I didn't know there were more than one. They were all I thought it was called law and order SVU. And then some of them were called like law and order SVU special more or something like more. More exit special. Well criminal intent of SVU and order special victims unit. Colon more victims. I think it was just like more nicknames for the same show. You know, how like PD has a bunch of names. I thought it was like it evolved. I thought every I was like, yeah. They're special victims criminals have intent. I was like I thought. Remnants have intent. It's really get you. Okay. Let me get our community. I don't know. What criminal intent is. I don't know what this with it centers around. Maybe it's before criminal view. You know, what I think it is? I think it's yet. It's like serial killers. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, those aren't in right now. So I could see. Yeah. Okay. We'll do it. This is law and order Carlier is never seen law and order SVU based on what people say, I forgot all the characters. I was cast as you all getting okay? See, I believe you. Yeah. Okay. Based on what people say online about it, and the sort of the Simpsons make jokes about it. Insert black title card. Yes. Grizzled male voice narrates over a title. You don't know is that there's a band in here playing that. It's called wolf Dix. A grisly voice narrates over titled card, which reads the same in the law and order cinematic universe. Some crimes are way way worse than others. Some crimes are heavily fluid Centric. These are those crimes, this is law and order sport utility. Nice did title card created by dick wolf a wolf house in the distance good birth timing. The patented, Dun Dun Dun from law and order place. What do you think that noise is that a hammer hidden something, I don't know. I think it's jet fuel melting steel beam. That. Listen real closely turned up a little bit. Yeah. Nine eleven. If he played backwards if he played backwards didn't land on the moon. Yeah. Okay. Here we go. Exterior hardened Brooklyn streets night. Amidst settles over a sidewalk in Brooklyn neighborhood, the cameras Schill fixed to a streetlamp high over the street the street is lined with Brownstone ordinary night in Brooklyn, suddenly a woman scream echoes throughout the streets. The patented ton from law and order plays into. Exterior the same hard in Brooklyn street later. Police cars line the street lights spinning blue police tape boxes, the street into a crime scene officers and blue uniforms or huddled and circle. The camera moves across the police tape and through the mass and we see a woman's body lying on the sidewalk dead to NYPD officers with incredibly stereotypical. Brooklyn accents stand over the body officer pizza takes his hat off and holds it with both hands at his waist frigging. Shame. I tell you what officer slice nods his head. Young girl. Just trying to go to yoga. She gets Sola murder. Forget about both men. A single tear runs down officer slices cheek depended on order place. That noise. Means. Uffizi jacket, boys. We appeal V shot from the police tape then into the shot walks detective Patricia walkabout and detective Tony bald spot. They walked with the confidence of two people in charge boring long based trench coats sway purposefully as they walk revealing their badges and holstered weapons with each stride. Detective Patricia walkabout walks up to pizza and slice. A detective we got crime scene all sealed off to Mike crime scene. Now, the same exact voice. Patricia. Okay, is the woman. Mike, craig? Gripe. See a woman. Oh, yeah. We know we agree with you. We just judge here. I'm woman. Me again talk. Okay. No dispute Ned detective, we just one. Pulls a gun out and shoots off officer slice in the kneecap. He Keells over the patented Dun done from law and order. AOL's what had just question who's a judge here is special victims unit crime scene. Now, there's a beat. So so either gonna explain to me what happened here? Well addictive. It looks it looks like. It says terrified of getting shot in the script. So the. Yeah. That's why. Like this woman. Here is mated this fluids everywhere. That's us. All got a cold. I figure detective Patricia walkabout stands over the corpse and pulls out a pen to tap on her chin. So it looks like she's thinking hard. We can't tell if she's thinking hard or not because she doesn't say whether or not she's thinking hard, then she notices a small note tucked into the front pocket of the corpses. Pants the patented. Devas on order place. She removes the note unfolds it and begins reading Cynthia. I'm sorry. You couldn't find a way to love me and not twenty parrots. Oh, I love you almost as much as I love them up here. But since you don't have me about periods. I gotta kill you. Here's a note about it. Love Paul Patricia walkabout takes a beat. It could be a clue too early to tell you waves in detective, Tony bald spot Doni do think saving fund fluids or other leads here detective, Tony bald. Spot begins his very long beautifully shot regiment of crime scene investigating. He puts in his white. Apple ear pods and pulls out an old click wheel ipod, he clicks through the playland and finds play was called and found a dead person sidewalk. And or road trip playlist the distance by cake starts playing. Detective Tony bald spot gracefully slings over the body. Like the night FOX notions twelve going through those fancy lasers. He leans over the body taking his time to scan up and down the corpse. Suddenly he noticed something. I've noticed something. Tony focuses in small puddle of blood coming from beneath the corpse. He lowers his finger down to the blood and touches it in a tiny amount of blood clings to his finger raises his hands mouth and sticks. His entire hand in his mouth. He moves the hand around in his mouth in the music begins to crescendo saliva dripping out of his mouth and down onto the body. Clear clearly contaminating a crime scene. The music crescendo is even more as he slowly stops moving his entire hand. He stops the music stops its blood the patented. Ramana replace suddenly, a faint voice calls out from the edge of the police tape. The voices gathered intelligent completely calm. What happened here? I'm sorry. Who are you? The detectives turnaround short man, we're on a short man with long scraggly hair standing at the edge of the police lineup. He's wearing a tweed jacket with a turtleneck underneath therefore parrots on his shoulders to each side. The parrot man response speaking like fedora, would speak if it was a sophomore liberal arts college. Oh me. I'm no one just a passer by a character in the night. A nobody who happened upon you all here be I'm nobody of consequence. I nobody to remember as C S Lewis said, I'll take your word for it. One of the man's parrots calls out. That's great. I don't know how they know how they squawk. But I don't know they okay. Usually Italian cop accent. She don't love killer. What did your parrot just say? Nothing just a bird probably repeating something heard on the television set to parent calls out again, let's kill. Get leave a note in the pocket. Wait did Birger say you're gonna kill Cynthia Pearman thinks about it for a moment. No silly. You think that is probably just repeating something from television. Like, I said just before what show has someone killed someone named Cynthia. Have you seen that show peaky blinders? I can't say I have. It's that show. The show. I've seen p blenders. I don't remember anyone. I'm Cynthia getting killed in it though, the patented. In order plays parent man thinks for a moment. What season are you on season two? That's not me who's Tony L. Yeah. You're I'm on season two. You all the way through season to you all the way through season two yet. No. Well, I mean, I'm about to start season two just finished one. But you know, there's just so much TV these days, and oh, yeah. Since he's into it's in season two that's where the murder happened. So you haven't gotten there yet? Yeah. It makes sense. Sorry for the spoiler alert. Interrupted still situation. Go I think it did a pretty good. Able to do it like the one with the low voice. Oh, yeah. A lot of fun to have friends. Sarah's pleasant as you may be need you to get out of here. We've got a murder scene to investigate Yediot. Murder. What a pretty pretty girl. She was to do bad. She didn't have more love to give such a pretty pretty girl detective, Tony bald spots dismissive. Yep. Parrot man turns to walk away. Okay. We need to find a lead on a suspect. Cut to this could just into their cut to interior office day detector, Patricia walkabout and detective Tony spotter pacing around an office and a busy police station. A wall-sized bulletin board is adorned with dozens of photos and articles all connected with yarn and push pins. One note card reads man with parrots on shoulders, and it's connected to another car. That reads seems nice must catch up on PD blinders note Technip Patricia walkabout found on the body at the scene. Just can't crack this case. Detectives or hovered over their case filings win small drop liquid falls from the ceiling splashing onto the floor. What hell is many find out to take the Tony? Click will ipod out he clicks and clicks and hits play. After a moment. The joker by Steve. Miller band starts playing. Tony bald spot slides across his desk, the hood of that racist, car and the dukes. Formation on the floor above nine identified liquid. He begins the lower himself like a slow push-up and hovers directly above the liquid. He drops his tongue slowly from his mouth and dips it into liquid then retracts it back into his mouth his eyes shut the entire time. He's swishes the liquid around gargling mouth mouthwash. He moves his tongue in and out between his lips like a dog with peanut butter on the roof of his mouth. This all goes on and tell it's shit. Particularly Tony balls takes another moment to focus. Perritt shit. That is right. Indeed. Detective man, walks walks pushes open the door to the detectives office, impairs flying doves and John. Woo movie. Sorry, who are you what it's this vicious man with parrots from the crime scene last night. Sorry. I just don't remember you are you fucking serious. We meet a lot of people in this job. Honestly, one of my favorite parts. All the interesting folks, become across. I stood up. On my shoulder. Talking about how I'm murder at adopting about peaky blinders detective, Tony both. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Right voice. My doing. Oh, hey, wow. This is a fun page. Here you go. There you go. Cool. Page nine is where Dave performed. Literally all three characters. I'm playing are on this page too. Nice. Yes. Indeed. It is me again how're things coming with the investigation. Detectives begins the pace in the office birds flying left and right as which is direction. He monologues. I would imagine you have arrested. Anyone yet have you? I didn't think so let me ask you to active if you ever heard of Sigmund Freud's, nineteen fifteen worth some character types, met within psycho and. I didn't. Roy dress. From of guilt is these is was that all bear the burden of unconscious edible guilt. Freud asserted in quote, the ego in it that quote, an increase in this unconscious sense of guilt concerned people into criminals Freud maintain that the sense of guilt quote existed before the crime and constituted the quote motive for the crime, basically, a desire by criminals to be caught criminals, according to Freud here want to be caught and constantly will be in constantly will put themselves in positions to be caught returning to the crime scene carrying around evidence, everything of the sorts. What do you think about that idea to -tective? Does it ring a bell the detective sits sits in this a beat? How can idea ring a bell like? Does it have tiny little hammered at the Bill with immediately after this bad joke. Couldn't get anything. Better place with officers pizza and slice burst through the door giddy. We got him to active as guided more laid man is dumbfounded. What no that's impossible because because I wonderful news. How did you get him? We stopped and frisked some guy just for the hell of it. And he seemed like diaper. Hold up. Hi in it. Which is just what a murderer. What though? No, no, no. You must you mustn't. The parents following parrot man around and all land on the shoulders of officer pizza and officer slice one parent calls out rat. Rat. We loved these cups because they're so cool. And that's just another day here at CSI, Miami cut to black. I was wondering if we could take that monologue again, just your no problem. Let's do it. This is such a pleasant. Theme song. I would imagine you have arrested. Anyone? Calling your bluff you mother. Oh, thanks guys apart. No that was a didn't read apart. A lot of stage direction too. Yeah. Lot in there didn't even get to the whole idea the whole joke trying to get to because I was on the tenth page the listeners understand die for. Yeah. Totally forgot the special victims unit was the one about how has a lot of free time. Spreads quickly. I can write this. When I have something else. I need to be doing. Yeah. If I have something I need to get done. Give me something I need to get done more. Yeah. Or that? You can just convince yourself you need to get done more. Yeah. Something that you've put off longer. Right, right. If there's anything a little more urgent. I'll get that first thing done instead. Yeah. That's kind of where it is totally if I'm ever cleaning my apartment, I am behind. If you see I'm like, I'm a mopping. You should be like oh Kyle to the hospital. Stay myself or something I gotta get the can't go the hospital. Foot tracks in the kitchen tile. Yeah. I mean, everyone is like that every single time. I washed my sheets, I should have been driving lift. Yeah. Fiver late. Yeah. That's if I'm washing my sheets, should you wash your sheets? I don't think you're supposed to I think it's like jeans you just put them in the freezer you should wash your jeans for genes with g. Yeah. Well, it the freezer sperm definitely jeans. Per your rarely supposed to wash pants like your genes like denim. And you're putting in the freezer can do something. I think I've had people lie to me. I'm going to say look back across your relationship with that person. And then tell me if you think they want you to be safe. I don't want. I'm not gonna name names on here. But it rhymes with Joel him coup. Stor Joel Bem cou Stor. I would trust him when it comes right close. Yeah. Well, I always does he like you. Yeah. Experts out there. Anyone know anything about pants, but you're not supposed to wash your hair either. Right people watching here. Put that in the freezer to see that's what that poet did wrong. She used the oven. I just feel like that's too many things to not wash like what you should wash your jeans. I wonder how long he. Yeah. I mean, I was kidding. I know you enjoy her friends and also Joel is the best. So he wouldn't it came across the meant. I think too frequently. Yeah. Yeah. You're not supposed to wash it like underwear. Totally definitely not. I don't know how so quickly on this from law and order to the pamphlet. Yeah. But I do think that you you should wash your sheets often often as often as you probably could I have two sets the prelude to an ADB. If you don't want. If you don't want. Check out this subscription sheets guarantee that already exists service that will send you new sheets or I lived with someone college who never washed socks. He bought new socks. What time he would wear them for like two days and then throw them away. Damn you lived with Bill Gates. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He wouldn't say lived with. But I. It really depends on who you ask. Trespassed on Bill Gates property every day. Like three hundred lake. That's yeah. So much socks. Yeah. Yeah. What the hell really socked and throw them through threw in the trash Kyle. I wish I had the law and order still going to have that up here for the rest of the thing. I think you need to say it again, just so we don't lose it. Yeah. It really sucked. Really? I'm still curious seventy episodes of law and order. I mean, it's such a it's hundreds. It's definitely hundreds. I like old school on order. Not only do I like the regular law and order one hundred thirty six episodes of law and order, and it started in nineteen ninety be that's four hundred Forty-six episodes in twenty years did twenty two a year. Yeah. They're like season the regular law and order is it ended season twenty nine or some shit like that. I don't know for. Yeah. There's the all get caught and law and order. That question and that question. No, they like it's not like that. It's not there aren't fugitives. It doesn't have anything doesn't. He doesn't it right into the microphone. People don't get caught because it's just about crime. So sometimes here's what I thought. It was thought happened. I thought the victim or thought the criminal was always very, obviously someone and they danced around that it was that is basically that was kind of a trope was like that's what it was like this guy is clearly, but sometimes they do catch the wrong guy. Yeah. In some. I mean, the cool part about it is that the cool part. Gary for the coupon. Man. You guys are not gonna believe how cool this party. We'll be right back. We're going gonna take a quick ad break. We get back. Dave is gonna tell us the. Yeah. You're not gonna believe. So cool. Hey, everybody from never seen it here. I wanna let you know about smile direct club. Are you a smile Hyder? Do you hide your teeth and group pictures or just not smile, and you're meeting someone because you don't like how your teeth? Look. Let me tell you about smile. Direct club with smile direct club. You can straighten your teeth with invisible liners sent directly to you. It's only eighty dollars a month. 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We're back to tell us the cool part. Okay. So the cool part is. Yeah. Is that some why don't you remember what I was gonna say? Cool. Member actually. Yeah. I was gonna say the lawyer part is the cool part. It's not necessarily. But sometimes they fuck up and the guy is obviously the that person did it, but they get off they don't jail. So it's sort of like there. There's little gaps in the system that allow them to get off. Everyone knows they're guilty. Within sometimes the glove there. Sometimes they get the wrong guy. But the most common thing that happens is there's a crime then the cops like talked to a bunch of people. And it seems like it's one two three of those people. They talked to the lawyers have suspect they can't prove it. And then within the last two minutes of the episode. They go into the like room where they like grill the Jim Carrey interrogation room. And they just say something that causes this Specht just start crying in admit it. So we really thought we had you and I'm going to get fired. If you don't admit it. So you're just say like, so you say it wasn't you? But we know that you had that toy car in your pocket the whole time and he's like. Gelder? And I just love how it's such a people want originality way that was the cool part. That was cool sorry for interrupting you take another advert Gregor goes exempt from an episode where there was a toy car involved with them or car popped in my head. Maybe was that up so called hot with wheels. No. Or did. He burn the house down with the matchbox. Now. I was hoping what if one of those? Well, he did he did he killer with a the murder, man? Murder, man. I don't know what's going on. Now. I couldn't come up with a third. Yes. I said murder man, what is another brand of toy car Caleb. Welcome back to Caleb on the spot. Okay. I think it's just so crazy that such where there's probably five hundred plus episodes of all the laws and orders and its laws, and my knees start hurting when I couldn't find the attorneys general in order and. I don't agree with that part of grammar. Like when I go disagree with the fact. Yes, okay, you're wrong. But okay, that's. That's take fakes new. But that's what I think. I think in like fifty or one hundred years, we'll go member when we tried to say attorneys-general because it was right and somewhat sounded weird talking more. If it sounds weird. I think it's wrong. We should stop saying it does seem it is just say turning generals. Yeah. Because other supports Graham we disagree on stuff. Yeah. And then that becomes what it actually is writing the movement. I'm like, hey, if it sounds weird. Let's not and people go, you know, what to actually attorneys I go, then we're doing the wrong thing. If it's if it's a act, you know, what I say merry Christmas. Yes. Yes. Chris roles. New Year's merry Christmas. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Hala weaned, dude, totally. I wanted to sit in that. But I couldn't get back to the joker. Mary any holiday. Just so lonely day. Do anything I would marry anything or anyone. This pacific. I would literally anything. Person sandwich, not saying anything. I just I'm so lonely. I would like the appearance of a relationship. That person said we will never have sex or see each other. I would just do it, dude. Hell you, and that's the cool part? Dave dating at like that. I should know. Well, here am casting. The deciding vote on Dave's future. Just see how many people you can like technically date. I'm dating twenty thousand people on paper. That's hilarious app called Dave Dave day for this app. You will legally be dating me. They'll never talk or see each other. But technically, we will be dating. Yeah. And then you can have a promo code and stuff. On Twitter profile to that. If you're following me. We are legally date. It's funny. And now and then every day just find a random follower in tweet them the kiss face emoji and be like have a good one. That photo on Twitter a picture of me with a speech bubble. That says I'm Polly. And still single have. No be. The worst Polly. If you're poly-amorous, you're still someone named Paul all police. Yeah. Play Dave say that. Poly amorous? From New York. Got a lot of love. Give go for every borough hall e. Holly. So funny, dude, that's definitely our band name. Dame, or something is this playing in stereo or mono. Okay. How many websites? Amorous mono Gumma. Name. Right. Stuff. Combined as one care. Probably the gavel that noise, right? Is that the judge Bangla Kapil? No. Maybe it is the jail door leading dance. What it is Sam bam clink clink? But wouldn't it only shut once you share? That was the theme song to alka-seltzer you're like bam. Bam clink clink. Really? Yeah. I think it's like, plop, plop, fizz, fizz. Oh, yeah. Examining the legendary Dun Dun sound from law and order on the anniversary of the show. Dave, you wanna read this article? Sure. I know what it is. Did you off? Long as the. Really? We got play game here. Let's play games. We're going to do. I Hammy something jingly from over there. I didn't mean for this to become a thing. Ticket. Wow. That'll play on the radio you on this one. What about this one? Yeah. No, no, no. The second one only about this one. Am I fun to be around? Here's the title. But what's going to happen is we have a bunch of what about the movie or TV characters written on these cards here? I don't know what they are yet. Didn't you write them? You know? My is writing. Doc. So I'm going to you're going to hold one up three. So the other two of us will see who you are. And then you have two minutes to ask us. Yes. Or no questions and find out. You are awesome. Say wanna go I go. I great. So don't look at your card. It's really easy to get people to pick the car. Do you want? Oh, it's very read any of that down. You can just hold up. So we see it. You can leave it there. Okay. Take take you can look in the reflection the window. I'm not okay, take it off. So we can until everyone who Dave is wait Dave can here. You know? He can't. Right next to Dave Dave's character is Dorothy from the wizard of Oz. My good. Did you hear that? No. All right. You have two minutes whenever you'd like to start asking us. Yes. Or no questions. Am I still alive owns a fictional? Actor okay. Okay. M I N a movie from the past ten years. No, no M. I in a movie from the nineties a move from the early two thousands. No. Eight. In the seventies. No. Am I n TV show up there? Movies. Just a pile a hand. From either of the three decades. Am I and movie from the sixties though, fifty forty no thirty. Wow. Okay. Well, I just up there. Okay. One minute later. Ten extra man. No, am I yes. Okay. I am does do I know any movies from the thirties? Yes. Nope. Yes. You know way. Yes. You do m I in citizen Kane. No. I don't know if it was made in the thirties wasn't fifties. No seventies. You know? Oh, I'm not from the news. Twenty seconds. Oh shit. Yeah. Dog. I don't know. Man. You just keep antibi- self. Do. I die in the movie. No. Is it a comedy? Is no. I got nothing. All right. Dave your time is up you are Dorothy from the wizard of Oz. That was being the thirties thirty nine. Wow. I did not know that. Yeah. That it was like eighty two. Yes. The eighties Northey from the wizard of shit. Wow. That's so crazy. All right. Can with citizen Kane made that was early already one forty one. Okay. That's the one. I wanted them to pick. No, it was pulled it up. It what the fuck. Okay. I don't I've never seen this movie. I don't know. I have do you think Ayla Pez big another one? If you an and no every. Sucker. Oh, that's a good one. That's a really yes. Yes. Yes. This is great. All right. Take your headphones off you can keep your eyes open though. So you. Also, Adam Sandler right now. Ready here. Yes. Or no questions about yourself as a character. Whenever ready am I in a movie from the early tooth? Why did you start there? A man or woman. Yes, you are. Oh am. I am an yes. Yes. All right. Am I a villain? No, not a villain. His guesses. It. Quite gone gin. Okay. Movie from the eighties nineties. Yes. Oud and my in good goodfellas. No also that was made in the eighties. No, it wasn't ninety ninety one. Well, now eighty nine okay? Well, clearly, I'm very bad at this. I think I think it was thirty nine goodfellas came. No for my Will Smith play me does Will Smith. You're not a guitar. Will Smith play me. That's great. Want to movies gone? Boy, my tall. Yes. Yeah. Sure. All right. Am I a cool? Yes. I'm really cool Neo in the matrix. Now is he cool. I'm cool. Clearly, cool. Pretty cool. He's flying around. Oh, we'll give you forty five. Am I am? I a white guy. Yes. Oh. Oh is Tom. Cruise play me. Now, Brad Pitt. No, boy, cooler cooler Clooney. No, no, cooler in the movie. Yeah. Movies that people like us loved in the nineties? This is the coolest person will Aaronson now. Wow. Well, a lot about Caleb right now in my Whiteman candidate, oh, this is hard. Okay. Who's cool. You can ask other questions guessing people with my do. I have a gun in the poster. Hold the. Question. That's such a good player. But it's such a good twenty fifth question. Totally. You are Ian, Malcolm Jeff Goldblum character from Jurassic Park. Oh, man. All right. That was a good one. Hammy one of these. Sure. Okay. Oh. Very good one. All right dig your headphones off. Is Hannibal Lechter from silence of the lambs. Also, fuck him. No minutes. It's a long name. Kyle's address. Okay. Am I quite gone? I earnestly think me Kyle is quite gone. Okay. All right, ready. Oh, go go in my any movie. Yes. Tv shows. Okay. Am I in from the last ten years? No, no movie from the eighties. No movie from the ninety. You are in a movie from the last ten years. That's the way the. Okay. So my first movie from the ninety s. Yes, Bruce, Willis character diehard. No, I am. I an action movie is my first movie in action. And I mean, this is my first movie a comedy. No is my first movie a war movie. No is my first movie a romance. No drama. No, yes, is is an award worthy movie. Yes. And did I wanted my actor winning award for this movie? Yes. Yeah. My actor best actor for this. Yes. Supporting actor. He's getting there am I very famous actor portraying. Yes. And my Brad Pitt George Clooney, Tom Cruise. No. I don't know anyone else. Do people like me, and my movie my character? Well. Cool dude with flaws. No one minute and five seconds. But you know, people like Darth Vader the. The movie character hate your character. But they love your character as nerds do superhero. No M. I. Is my movie of famous director. I don't know M eye talian. No. Do fuck am. I do. I die movie. No never. I. Am I the I'm not the bad guy? You are Bagai movie. But also kind of not but mostly. Yes, do I ever turn and become a good guy to help a greater foe? Yes. Yes. Fuck am. I I'm not LOKI. Am I? I really want you to get this. You will keep your on your hot. Okay. This time is up second about how the fact that. I've already said that there. There's a lot of goals. Is there more than three of my movie? You know, really? Yeah. Is there there was just three there's three or four of my movie. Yeah. Oh, there's more than three. Okay. If I seen this definitely yes. You've at least in the first one and I'm not interested park. No, am I in the movie a blockbuster. Yeah. Yes. That I won the award for I believe did he for sure. Okay. The John riffing it's somewhere between action and drama. Just to be cleared up my sort of our, but like sort of old thriller would be what your old in my the old guy in my movie. Yeah. Yeah. Am I in the born movies? No, am I. Do I is is there pull mar movies political? No. Am I my Jackie Chan? Even the villain. When he touches that black man's radio. I think that we should have benefited listeners. Give a hint a good hint. Your name. No. Really the answer is your name kind of rhymes with something you do. Oh, that's true. Not even gonna get me in a row name. Here's a TV show that has your first name. Oh. Am I Tony the OC? First name. I. With your name too. And the leader. I guess yes. There's also a famous leader. Donald duck. Some famous tunnel. Kinda villa? But everyone remember when Bill never came around to ask about killing anyone. Okay. Do I kill anyone? You kill kill a lot of people kill them. It's not quite over yet. Look at the beginning of the movie, you're in jail. You're in prison people break. Break me. How often do not get broken out of my Hannibal lector? I've never seen silence of the lambs understanding of those ones. Wow. Yeah. As you should watch it like as prestigious giant blockbuster, especially for an award-winning movie. That's right there. Yeah. Great watch it. I right now. We're actually yeah. We were kidding. You're quite on gin. Finally. Two more games. Let's do we got this game is before. And after I think he played this game before I will tell you. It's called strip never seen it. Who wants to see my Cuagone gin? Kline. Gone with the gin. This is quite gone with the and this is why gone Rahm. Yeah. Lot of words sound the same gone, baby. Gone. Have you seen that? Twenty one. One. Okay. So I'm gonna tell you a movie title that is a combination of two movie titles. So that's right. And I will and I will tell you the plot to that. And you tell me the title Jenner stand got plot. You tell me what to movie titles smashed together into this when you can work together or you can compete at Saddam. Yeah. Did Dave Ross is number one. I one in IRS auditor begins to hear an author's voice in his head and realizes he is part of her latest novel, a multi strand crime story about to hit men with a penchant for philosophical discussion. Star Wars Episode one hitch. One hits. I'm sorry. I wasn't listening because I was waiting to say that. In the middle of your guessing game. Happy. I was like, okay. Got Star Wars thing. If a second movie think of his second movie, think of a second. Stranger than Pulp Fiction it is stranger than fiction. I wasn't listening. If you won the phantom, men smoking. Okay. Says number two a man is given the powers of God for a day and uses them to help coach a little league ice hockey team. Bruce almighty, mighty boss tunes. One. I just can't think of what that other movie to help coach little league. Bruce, almighty, ducks. I. Right. Right. Last one. A former cinema superhero mounts ambitious Broadway production to breathe life into his stagnant. Career and must save his insect colony from evil general who wants to wipe out the whole worker population. Bird manse close. What's the remember, the tagline Birdman have a tagline? Well, we're never going to get this one. Then I know what's crazy is that what was the first part of the clue is burdened Birdman for sure, but it is Birdman or the unexpected virtue of ignorance. Just to give that one up. Just immediately got bird. Which is. Works. It's two birds are in love real burden. He's a real burden. Jason LA just kind of hang. They got a real situation. Me. Katmandu? Guy like a good, quiet mate. Come on. Yeah. When he added that OBI wan kanobi band. Just what? About quite gone for some reason the cared your name popped into my head. And then I don't like to think of a second thing. Today's thing. What what is it that is us today day calendar, and it just picks a thing for me to think? Tomorrow's Birdman Ferdinand. Idea for calendar. Think about today yesterday was sure when Williams. Next week. I already looked ahead. There's another Sherwin. Another thing. Yeah, man. Oh, yeah. That was when I had my paint man's. Paints manse? I haven't thought about tomorrow. Either. Yesterday. You went to Sherwin Williams thought about it yesterday. Why because I couldn't. If the local someone try and speak Spanish and English at the same time, quiet, quiet. Cli-? I was thinking about it didn't quite dude. That. All right last thing, we're doing we're playing a game called guess what movie caused as the scribe and having never having heard a movie. So I'm gonna play my dad describing a movie trailer. He is watching and you guess what movie he is discolored trailer to there are two options. Would you like option one or two I even make this a game? I can just pick option one or two. What number one or two one two? One I picked one because of Star Wars Episode one. Yeah. Is that the movie? Okay. Creepy shots of an old graveyard. It's an old funeral on a farm. Everyone is aiding together at a long table. Something is coming from the words and the camera moves slowly across the table. He says they are grateful. Everyone is crowded to talk about what is in the woods. They have a truce with it is that. Was that it's night. And they don't want to let them in. Tons of quick shots of door. Slamming people hiding. Chasing them. Whatever's in the woods is what everyone is afraid of. But they said it has never attacked without greasing. Did he have somewhere to be at the? I guess you have the the village. Away is the village crazy that I don't know that movie at all. On. The twist is that it's today. Yeah. It looks all time either looks old timey. But turns out it's just pay down there. Just in the woods crazy. Yep. That's kind of how how you just reacted is how I reacted action seeing the twist and crazy, so the it's over live in the woods. Hey, guys. Thanks for coming into in the podcast. Thanks for having me. Do was the best day of my life. That's what we were saying before you got here. It's quite Jim day. We're doing a podcast. Should come back into a whole episode just about quite absolutely games. Either of the two of you never seen star was episode one the fan minute. I've seen I've seen dammit. We'll find someone. Yeah. We'll find someone. We will just tell them to come to the podcast, and then we'll absolutely bombarded with. Pre prepared for the. We'll be like, hey Steph. Have you ever seen the episode one vical? Yeah. I want to do it. So write a script, and then she'll come in, and we will overwhelm let her talk. I will have written quite gone baby gone gone girl, you've written quite gone baby gone, quite gone with the gin gin. Raising. And then we'll have all these other scripture, and we'll never get to her scrape. Oh, man. Let's do it. Oh, man. This is like a great idea Star Wars Episode one hundred we'll do it for a hundred episode of the show. Oh, this is exciting. I'm sure people have quit listening. This comes out on exactly our one year anniversary. Wow, happy anniversary. So it's been show. And we ran out of guests. Exactly one year in. Yes. Repeat guests and movies. They haven't seen. No. Everyone's only hasn't seen one. Realize this? You're not getting any of the Academy Award movies, like not a single one of them. Yeah. I man. Oh, man. I saw Roma. We'll have a whole episode. So maybe we'll do something for the Oscar. He'll so stupid. I haven't seen a lot of recent movies. Like, generally when I haven't seen fucking like leading out. We watch a movie an old one, right? We'll almost always watch national treasure while. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Yeah. My room at Chris sharpen tier who I live with is loves that movie so much, and I really like it. But he like we dude. So we have seen it probably five times in the past few months. It's a lot of fun to watch the secrets is almost more fun and worse at the same time. We talk about Chris talk about all the time. How hell a romp should be a genre. That is like very visible on Netflix, Amazon because most often I just wanna watch a romp. Yeah. I wanted to be kind of funny, but not really and kinda actiony. But like, no one gets hurt. You know mean into this conversation now. Fun. It's good, man. Perfect one Jones and the last crusade here's another. It's not a movie but Bob's burgers. Yes. Sure. Like that. Because there's never really any stakes. Totally. As you can dip in and out. And I think Zeke is the funniest character which went Zeke, he's like what are you doing? He's Jimmy juniors a little friendly. Yeah. He looks like a king of the hill character escaped into Bob's burgers. Very philosophical. Yeah. That's right. Right. But I like stuff like that. It's. Thank you. Career off the best of those who Tom Cruise. Yes, totally. He made a hole in. It's great. I think you should pitch that as thing. They'd be idea of of a king of the hill. Character escaping into another universe. I would watch that show. Wow. Yeah. Literally escaped universe and is now somewhere else. And you're like what that'd be amazing crossovers on the Simpsons eight of Bob's burgers. Simpson's. Yes over but someone gets stuck and can't get back to their show and someone gets stabbed. Are all different in this universe? Hair? You guys have seen Infinity war, right? You know, you should see over really that. Should be your next never seen it whenever you do it next. Because it's you know, a lot of dude, you gotta see it though. We've had Infinity war have you gotta listen to that. That's awesome. You did it Todd Sklar the guy who did the dough? Yeah. Yeah. I love Todd. He he hasn't seen any movies. I think dude that infinitives the ultimate rump. Because there are just has all the main characters from like thirty other romps. It's all the superhero movies. I think like ragnarok is such a we're talking about these like that's true. Can you just put onto enjoy random? Just a little buddy cop movie. We were I watched that with you the other day. I fucking hated that movie. When I saw it in theater, and then I watched it with you. And I really had a great time. I don't know. Maybe it was just sad when I saw and it was like. Yeah. Hey, everything you ever do carry all of your everything. Yeah. One though, it's important to know fine. And judging me around until you get here that scene where where Mark Ruffalo jumps out of the plane, and he's like, I got this. And he doesn't turn into the whole smashes dead onto the ground. It's so funny to see die. No. It's just a comic. It's like home alone that movie based. Actually, physical comedy. Face with the ball. And like, it's just it's funny. It opens with th or talking shit to the devil one. Yeah. The devil the devil. But he's like a big looks like the devil. And he's like, I'm good. You're gonna burn in my domain, literally. The first scene is all a physical gag where this demon can't talk shit because Thor keeps spinning away and they can't make eye contact. It's like it is like a Leslie Nielsen level of physical comedy is slapstick. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny which is weird. 'cause thought movies were the least funny. Joe jokes? Here. We are here. We are. Thanks, guys. Thanks for doing podcast and hanging out. This is great. Got going on. If you listen before. I let them say anything, I do wanna remind you actually cut their mikes. We will live never seen it show on February will then you were in Los Angeles. Fuck the. The only thing the night of February twelfth in Los no, we've got a live never seen show February twelfth in Los Angeles us actually to great things for you that night. I'm not gonna want to promote my shit. But yeah, I'm not gonna but it'll be very fun twenty Lauren, laptops, and John Gabriel rewriting house of cards, which they've never seen and Henry's brow. Ski is doing little house on the prairie. Which will certainly be bloody win is the never seen it show, eight PM. Okay. And so you got that show APM typewriter live album recording an album that night at ten P M PM. Yeah. Did. Okay. All right. So that's all three of us have that I'm recording. My L them on February twelve but there are two shows eight and ten pm. So you're listening to never seen it pleased. Prioritize going to never seen it shape. You come never seen it live show at eight pm Ango today's album, according ten pm, which I'll be going to give you bunch of free stickers. Oh, that's great show. After never seen it then you can go home. Hasn't one of them sold out though. Eight o'clock show has it's sponsored by Nike now it totally sold out. Wait. How why did you say that thought on Twitter something that my album recording sold out? Yeah. Well, if that's true. I didn't know that. So remember never live show. Twelve dynasty typewriter. Actually, don't know. If someone said that I I haven't checked ticket sales. I don't think any of them or tickets now for everything I think they're gonna go around and look. Why love you? You know, I'm Michael Hollick quite love gin. We go. Thanks, everybody. Have good day. Night. It was a shoe.

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