Teri Yuan


you're listening to to broads talking politics today's guest is teri one please be aware that the conversation will discuss some sensitive topics of gender based violence and you everyone this is kelly with two broads talking politics i'm here with my co host sophie sophie kerry end joining us today is teri you one who is an intersectional feminist just be producer and host of v engendered podcast eight survivor ends mystic violence advocate hi terry hi thank you for having me yeah thanks so much for joining us today as so maybe just just start you could sort of unpack a little bit of of how i just introduce you tell us a little bit about yourself in in the podcast and the work that you do sure so i'm a survivor of intimate partner violence an coercive control as enter facts and as an intersectional feminist that means that my the lens through which i understand sexism it an institutional oppression of women is connected to all forms of other oppressions including race and national origin an immigration status etc and i because of my experiences as is survivor in as an advocate for other survivors a working in living in new york city i started eight podcast over a year ago called engendered that uses gender as a lens to understand power privilege oppression and violence so then then let's talk some about a sort of the the moment where in historically in this country in ways in which these kinds of things are are really coming to the forefront so you know you you said you started this about a year ago that was that was not because of the political moment that were in was it because of the work that you were doing how did that come about well i started a year ago because i am part of to one more formal one less formal advocacy organizations in new york city one of them is called the gender justice task force any other one is eat domestic violence task force of new york and the ladder is actually run by de mayor's office to end domestic end genderbased violence and they invited me to be is survivor member in january of twenty eighteen and as part of the work that i was doing being part of that task force person in several committees i saw that there was this gap in both and understanding of what the definition of domestic violence intimate partner violence was and therefore i found it problematic because if we don't have a shared definition then we can't define a shared goal and were not moving towards it collectively and so i started the podcast as sort of vague response see what i saw was the gap with this wish that maybe the people who are members of the task force might want to listen andrew 'em it might be amy starting point for us having this conversation as as a response to what you said also i wanna add that yes we are in this moment and we have been for hundreds of years for women and people of color who have been oppressed it's just that it's becoming becoming more a visible to white progressive folks and i think it was much more so in november of twenty sixteen when we had this change in administration an end it was really then that i had a personal crisis that was escalated with my abuser an it coin sided with t election a us the person who's currently in office and it was a moment of both grief anand 'em in some ways hope i felt because i thought wow you know now everybody will understand in this in this country but possibly all across cross the world what it feels like to be an abusive relationship in perhaps people who are survivors of intimate partner violence an art we can user experience in are lends ends to make the journey of recognition and understanding on an end towards activism and change in policy a shorter one so it doesn't have to be 'em you know we have to waste time an angry could leverage are are experienced to the benefit of everybody you know were talking about intersectional feminism here and i i think that's a term that a lot of people are familiar with hopefully a lot of people who listen to this podcast to care about intersection ality up but what are some of the ways that you have seen that play out with some of the ways in your own work in in your podcast that that you really focus on intersection ality in in the importance of being really inclusive inclusive in communism well i think that people have this concept that unless you experience x or y that you won't understand or be able to relate to be experiences but that particular group so unless unless you're clear and you've been discriminated against by homophobia or you are a person of color and you've experienced racism or woman you've experienced sexism end the fear of a you know that we carry with us when we're walking down a dark street at night that these experiences somehow are unique to end a central to those groups of people andy ideas intersection analogy is that everybody under our white males supremacist capitalistic patriarchy you know it is oppressed in some ways colonized in in even if you are in a position of privilege you are as well under the system system a an so you you don't have to be of a difference to be able to understand oppression in a you can apply in ables theoretical as well as a politico framework for understanding that 'em various people don't have access to equal rights or to justice in in daily live in various systems in that toes in equities are harmful to everyone so i wanna talk some about the ways in which trump is himself as an abuser how weaken view his presidency in a through that lens and understanding as sort of the way we we read large react to those two trumpet to the administration were largely in ways that it that i can be a discourse of control model can you talk so much about that and in the parallels that you draw sure so there's the literal aspect that he isn't abuser he's been there have been many many allegations shins both from his ex wives and over twenty two i'm not sure if it's more than that but at least twenty two women have come forward with allegations of sexual abuse sexual assault rape 'em in his ex wife's domestic violence which i believe included marital rape as well as strangulation an end so there's the physical aspect of abuse that he uses physical prowess to exert control over others to dominate others he is someone who threw his sort of revolving door of people who work in his administration ministration at very high levels cabinet members at cetera they are they're they're employment is at the whim of whether he feels that they are loyal to him or not and so there's this sense of always intimidation in fear that if you step out of line and you don't do what he asked you to do or he expects of you or if you embarrass him a whatever it may be that is on his mood of the day and then you are possibly gonna risk losing your job or you're reputation or financially he might sue you if you make a claim that is valid in true such a sexual assault allegations andy he will use his money and power to a two week in your position an end to discredit and destroy you and so in the course of control model there's there say a set of behaviors that include intimidation in isolation and regulation and i think the normalization of the news which he claims is fake news which is mainstream stream media on to his base 'em is basically a what what child molesters do which is grooming and so he's basically grooming his base to to be accepting stepping of all of these behaviors and he kind of like you know pushes the oval open keeps moving the bar a little by little and and and you could see that in the way they're responding to the crisis at the border where last week 'em aol see and other members of congress went to visit the detention centers and at the same time there was de 'em revelation that there were a secret customs and border patrol agent groups and facebook you know that were not only derogatory but had hate speech an had 'em threats of violence not just words aol see but towards women in general etc and so he's basically treating his base face as of as as abusers do when you get your friends and family to turn against the victim to discredit and gaslight the victim and isolate her so that you know your own family may not be on your side anymore and then you get them to do you're bidding end end so this this kind of behavior unfortunately is very well known to survivors and i think what's keeping so many people who are woke you know and progressive from making those connections is because it does take time there is this level of unwillingness to accept or maybe even denial while that this could be happening and then there's of course those people who who who thinks that you know quote unquote abusers may change a maybe if we just give him enough lover understanding or compassion 'em he will you know be transformed anti trump is not gonna be transformed he is who he is and if people recognize that the way survivors recognized after many many efforts potentially actually of warning us their partner to change and not seeing change then we can take a different approach to how we respond to be administrations attacks on democracy in are freedoms why do you think that trump has not suffered very many consequences of this gender based violence because i feel like we knew about so many of these allegations prior to him even running and yet he's still ran became the republican nominee money and then became the president and it's still the president why do you think that he hasn't suffered a whole lot of consequences even outside of his base or i think the violence but he's done so i think people underestimate de extent to which sexism in massage any is internalized end so it has it has so internalized that very often when we're talking about 'em 'isms you know a racism there's there's been for several decades of a movement to end mass incarceration and there have been people who are leading that effort you know who are leading the effort for prison reform an end who are putting money into that effort in helping to elect progressive deejays across the country and you know bring awareness and funds think tanks and all that but with regard to engender i we we don't have the year eight yet and so many people forget about the right you know all the white women who voted forever way more those kinds of right and who were part of his base who say you know i wouldn't mind if he grabbed my you know what right like forget those when i'm talking about the progressive women on the on the left who think that they're liberal on there's there's so much privilege in the group said in and no it's not i wouldn't say no but very little and act recognition of the lack of intersection analogy aunt and so you know when you're in a situation where women don't even recognize the threat of everyday sexism in the sides anyhow systemic it is and then maybe kinda shocked you know when they become a victim of rape let's say a sexual assault and how the numbers for for convictions are so low and then you hear all these cases and they think oh my god you know like in new jersey a few weeks ago there was a a judge who got his case appeals by the jersey polat courts thank god who basically with defending you know this rapist and who had videotaped you know the rape and and making negative remarks about the victim end what her her coming forward would do to his reputation i mean there's just so much enablement by people in society in all different places of power 'em who don't understand number one who don't have possibly support equality and then number two don't understand and if they were to understand i don't think you know it would take a lot to change them and so the representation that we have in our courts it's in our a i don't mean just federal courts but in are family court in our supreme court in are local government 'em you know all of these people still just don't understand the dynamics of abuse trauma and how it infiltrates every aspect of our society and drives poverty an addiction in homelessness an all the connections an if we actually were able to to see it down and show it which i try to do with my podcast people still resist because it's so hard to look at because they haven't dealt with their own 'em possibly levels of abuse in their own lies and then they would have to look at their own relationships with their husbands how they raise their sons but how their fathers treat it that it's cetera and there's just too much doubt the confront and so it's better to just look away which he thinks the long term effects facts of eight you know having this current administration i know you said like what i was thinking is hopefully having this president will bring everything to the for an in wall talk about it more and recognize that more so they're potentially theoretically good long term effects but what are the long term effects for all of us of of being under administration that that is abusive of being under a precedent that is abusive and i in you know obviously there's a sort of interpersonal longterm effects but also so the the policies and revoking of policies that are there to help people with what do you think the sort of long term how this is gonna affect us my first thought when i you know the the night of his election god i'm like getting teary eyed thinking about it was so traumatic was this man is gonna be assuring a whole generation of rapists that was my first thought an end i hope you know that i can do do my part in raising my child my son cannot be one of them to be a feminist and so you know obviously there's there's see sort of policy impact of i don't the number is but the hundreds of people that he's placed in politics federal courts you know who are in their forties and fifties and possibly can be on the bench for at least thirty even forty years and so for the rest of my life i'm not sure how how you guys are but i know for the rest of my life i probably won't be able to see a shift back to more moderate and maybe even progressive a cortes a and that makes a big difference when it comes to enforcing interpreting the law to the benefit of a people who are being mistreated who are being mistreated in their homes and their workplaces 'em by institutions an and we see that now where there is some you know positive results that were getting tougher immigration you know at the federal level at an on abortion reproductive rights but if these things were continue on in those cases get brought back up to be a pilot or federal judges that this man in office has appointed then i came in and of course the supreme court is you know majority right wayne now so i could see how it's a it's gonna be a long time before we can see enforcement of laws on any even implementation of laws to actually meet the gaps 'em and then on a collective level i think you know when survivors 'em are experiencing this kind of abused if we don't name it like so many people especially his base of course if you know they're already disenfranchised or i mean i don't want us generalized but i think that if you're supporting him then you're not educated whether it's formal education or an informal in some ways they're not really getting the right education a an so you're you might you know be economically this enfranchised end in those folks you know are not gonna be tending to their to the ways in which 'em you know he's hurt them on and then the rest of us i think you know when you're dealing with trauma when you get a break you don't have time to be planning and strategizing you just wanna sit still and kind of rest in a piece of it however long that piece may last before then another cycle comes right and so 'em i think that we need to collectively those of us who consider themselves progressives and care about her country in our democracy we need to cut collectively recognize that he is creating trauma on all of us whether we acknowledge it or not and get support for it so that we can manage are trauma heal from it and still be able to do the work that we need to do to resist and you know bring reset are country back back and course 'em and so the things that i would say you know we need to concentrate on is how we choose to spend our time you know who we spend time where and how we parent and you know what kind of jobs we we take a to to basically address the problems of the world in and hopefully create a sustainable a planet you know because that's such an urgent issue that 'em is also very very closely linked to sexism an massage any you mentioned wanting to raise your son to be better i'm wondering i also have a son in so i'm wondering if you have any advice for people raising boys of some sort of encourage them to think more deeply about their relationships with women sure so i'm gonna say as a survivor my son has obviously influence from his father who isn't abuser and so that is a completely different set of circumstances is that 'em i struggle with that makes it even more challenging but for the average person who is hopefully parenting their child their sons was a loving partner i would say first of all hopefully fully your partner is also a feminist intersectional feminist and believes inequality for everybody and is this you know social justice minded 'em because those values that i think we need to instill in not these are songs but also are daughters 'em so to raise the feminists on you know means to teach it into raised feminist daughters to is means to teach them that they should be accepted for who they are and not put them in this you know gender binary box to allow them to express their interest which may go against gender norms like boys who are you know i think we've all seen there's so much in the movies right there's so many movies where you know boy doesn't like to play a sport 'em andy just in stranger things other day i saw you know the most recent season one of the characters his sort of nightmare memories as his father forcing him to play ball you know and being terrorized for not playing well or an end so that kind of scenario happens all the time you know replaced baseball with some other sport 'em or some other activity where you're not viewed as as you know man enough strong enough or if you don't fight back or if you don't you know used domination end violence as a way to respond to someone hurting you emotionally or physically then you know you're a disappointment and then timmy as a as a parent and so all of those kinds of messages that we give our children then gets we played as they grow up in their own relationships and especially romantic relationships and then of course when they parrot and so you know there's the great article in the new york times called how to raise a feminist son and i forgot how many tips they had i think there were like twelve tips on one of them was you know make sure that they teach you teacher you're son how to be a caretaker that just for himself but for others that's just that's not meant to be just the females role 'em how you help them have friends of both genders of all genders you know give them access to information in tax and entertainment man 'em that of of all stories you know so like there should be no such thing as a stereotype of dragging you're you know boyfriend to see a rom com or on chick flicks i mean i mean every film is about humanity out we should all or you know and and be exposed to all different kinds of stories 'em an end so those are just some tips and i think that you know the biggest one is just loving unconditionally children and for who they are and giving them the space to explore and discover who they are without imposing your own expectations on them which is very hard to do 'em because we you know carry so much of what was imposed on us and let those cycles there are children sometimes a and i think you know if if you find that there's conflict being open to going to therapy as an adult as a parent or even going to family therapy in exploring those dynamics you have some recommendations from people who would like to help survivors of domestic violence who would like to be part of a solution shore so first is listen to my podcast my podcast cast is in my opinion a blueprint for understanding the causes symptoms dizzy policies that enabled genderbased violence an osce they also offer solutions of how we can end end so it it really you know like people don't wanna listen or be exposed to negative stories because they think that you know these stories stories about other people and it's over there and it's not true if you look at the statistics if you look at the statistics of abuse one in five women could be one in you know for in some cases are gonna be a victim of domestic violence a similar numbers first sexual assault and so if it's not you it's gonna be yours friend or your daughter or you're a mother and and so you end if we don't have that what i call literacy around sexism and it's sexist oppression then we won't be able to see the signs when it happens because nobody's teaching us he signed nobody's one where young nobody's saying these were the ways that you know people can keep you in trapped in a relationship you know to gas lighting through like coercive control in that and through kind of playing you're manipulating with your mind in senses and you're in and harming yourself esteem attacking you're you're confidence in you're a trusting your own instincts you know in isolating you from your friends little by little and you're you're support network like these things that were not taught to sort of be aware of and so the more we hear these stories the more the less likely to doubt and the more hopefully were likely to believe 'em survivors when they come forward and that survivor could be your child you know who's disclosing an so much of what the harm that is done is children don't disclose because they're afraid of being rejected or blamed or not love and at cetera and a lot of parents who who don't believe you know sort of lots of famous people end up hurting these individuals for lifetime decades until maybe later on when they're adults you know in their thirties forties fifties these they realize oh my god you know there's this thing that i haven't dealt with in it's impacted intimacy i have my parent or whoever it was i disclose would end and also the rest of my relationships and i need to address it in order to you know being able to to have a facility life an so i think that becoming culturally aware and culturally literate and making connections so that when people see things are happening ministration you know what people like to say just the issue i i've been in spaces where people say well you know we don't wanna be political 'em are we don't wanna let politics divided as well what's happening any administration is not about politics it's about morality in human rights and so you know if you're still supporting him then you're you're you're a danger to all of us are human rights antique at the planet an so i feel like 'em at this level of awareness is something that's about survival to like its own survival so that you can be able to lives a life that is thriving and fulfilling 'em unconnected an end so beyond just you know access to see these stories and and getting involved the next step is after awareness is being in dialogue with people on creating space you know i just interviewed someone who was using the term white male in a way that made me cringe because it was almost like in defense of the white meal and you know the white male in this society is the one that's in power and so what we need to do is the white male to create space have dialogue with all other groups you know with women with people of color is non binary folks an end create safe spaces so that we could have dialogue about what we could change for the better collectively rather than complaining about losing their power and their ability to speak you know as so listening is a big deal and then being in education so leading books and then hopefully at some point you're gonna be activated to do something about it be an advocate go volunteer at a shelter or you know go a help with voter drives and registrations stations make sure that twenty twenty six after all of us otherwise really that the lies of the country in are planet is at stake all right well thank you so much for joining us on the podcast today

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