#29 Elyse

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this episode of heavyweight is brought to you by Bonobos with more fits more sizes more colors and more styles than ever but nobody makes clothes that to help every guy look and feel their best self however you fit. The Noboa's fits you. This episode. Sort of heavyweight is brought to you by the two thousand Nineteen Subaru share the love event. If you purchase or lease a new Subaru vehicle between now and January. Second Subaru will donate two hundred fifty dollars to your choice of charities. These include the ASPCA make a wish meals on wheels the National Park Foundation and over six hundred and eighty hometown hometown charities to learn more about how to make an impact. Visit your local Subaru retailer or go to Subaru dot com slash share that Subaru dot dot com slash share Hey how is it that a seal keeps bals on their nose neck. Oh no I have something serious happens groceries and a half and I've got a paint the door so you're painting the door to your house. Use The red. It's going to be very nice but you know what a red door symbolizes right now. The poll. WHO's there's a Gordillo kidding right? That's how sailors would know. They would have them down by the poll they would be able to know where they kidding me right make whoopie for for money history. The Quique of WHO's that the neighbor could you ask him about the Red Door Zach. Stop lose someone. I need this weekend. Speaking from Gimblett media. I'm Jonathan Gould. Steam and this is heavyweight. Today's Today's episode Elise. So now what happens. They're just going to call. We'll see oh boy get ready for a while L. Back my producers and I decided to try a phone in episode Larry King Rush Limbaugh and other Goldstein ask personalities had found success with them. MM So why I wondered from the depths of my ignorance couldn't die and so full full of Hubris and hope we open the phone lines and invite the whole world to call in with a small moment from their past something to revisit and resolve all during the course of a five minute phone. Call this way I got into his business. The you know the feeling of live live radio as to learn the thing about a phone in show is that you need people to phone in and nobody is has day but just as I'm starting to wonder if Gimblett media has forgotten to pay it's telephone bill again. Not all right. Hello this. Is Jonathan speaking king. Hi Jonathan How's it going. Okay is this what is what's your name. Elise this is. I knew very surprised I got through. This is so exciting. Guess he really lucked out. Elise is a long time listener. first-time caller from Washington DC and as it turns out Her call proves not only the first of the day. But also the last and this is not just because we don't receive any other calls. It's because I'm completely drawn. I'm in by the story at least tells me about herself and her dad. What's his name? Belly Billy Yeah I guess I basically. I'm a strange from my father. When lease was a kid? Billy was the fun parent. The the one who always had hours to play with her the guy who in spite of being something of a macho man gave himself over to playing beauty salon even allowing elise to painted toenails before the strange man billion elise were really close which is why not having any relationship now hurts the way it does. She was my dad like our idea of a family vacation was to like show up in a country with no plan and like rent car and just drive around and it was amazing. Like that's why not life without like everyday is an adventure even the way. Yeah Billy matter. Lisa's mom was like something out of a movie. The first act of a film noir. Billy was an Englishman driving through Chattanooga on a tourist visa when he got into a terrible terrible car accident and the physical therapist assigned to him was Elisa's mom. Billy was still in a wheelchair when he talked her into sneaking out of the hospital for their first date pretty soon after they got married and had a lease. Bill never went back to England instead. He stayed with his family in Chattanooga and became a successful used car salesman. I have a lot of things in my upbringing. And life with tend to be very grateful for an addition percents alter crazy now in reference to her dad at least brings up craziness a lot like the crazy way. Billy ruined her credit by opening a business. Nisa name or the crazy time. He drove home a brand new car only to have cops come looking for it with their guns drawn or the crazy way. He destroyed his twenty four year marriage with a series of affairs. There's one Christmas where he bailed on the family. Only to spend the holiday with another woman and for all of these these things no matter how jarring painful at least as founded in herself to forgive her father. But there's one thing she hasn't been able to forgive about five years ago he moved out of the country without telling us us is at least in her mom. On the Lisa's parents had been married her whole life but recently separated around the time of his disappearance. Her last good memory of her dad is watching watching him. Wave from the crowd as she crossed the stage at her college graduation days later he disappeared and disappeared is the word for it says that when she went over to his house she found food rotting in the refrigerator. And all the furniture. Still there For a week at least had no idea what had happened to her father and then she received an email. It simply said he'd be gone for a little while and that email was the best way to stay in touch. There was no further explanation. The next time she heard from him was on her birthday. Six months later Christmas note. And that's more or less. been the pattern for the last five years On holiday is and my my birthday and stuff like that His emails are very short like three sentences or less sort of happy. Whatever holiday is they hope? You'RE WELL WADAD AT I. At least tried responding should express some of her pain and anger in hopes of provoking a more substantial dialogue. UGH But billy would refuse to engage so after an email pressing her father for answers. A few months would pass with no response and then an email woodland land in a Lisa's inbox wishing her a happy whatever holiday it is an hoping she's well loved add as though nothing was ever expressed and nothing was ever asked asked of him eventually. Police stopped responding to his emails entirely. We don't have a mailing address for him. I don't know if it's never like only connection. I have to him as a contest. Email address do you do know where he's living keys in the Philippines. I that's all I know. My mom has pinpointed the region but like there was ever like. She never told me where he was going or why he never never explained why he left. And this is what at least once an explanation the nation for his departure in emotional honest conversation where she can ask him. Why and what happened? Because in the five years since she last saw him a lot has happened keep a new family. He also has a wife and a kid a- and then he actually named his new daughter my name. Oh my God I just find it so insulting and it's just such a transparent replacement like I moved to a country and like native new you so when people search for release on facebook the I resulted comes up is new. Elise and the page billy made for her which means old elise is forced to constantly explain that this is her dad's new daughter from his new family who also just happens to have her name like he just wanted me to like live. Hennion be happy with him again but the elephant in the room that he's living the seriously somewhere for half a decade and we've never discussed it at least feels like she and billy are living living in two different realities. She in the one where her father abandoned her in. He in the one where he did nothing wrong. She wants her dad to validate what she seen in felt to understand. Otherwise how can they move forward. Are you wanting to have a relationship with him. Because he's he's also he's like he's like he's just kind of old and sick and might die and I might never know us sixty five and possibly working a very physically taxing job. She was working on container ships. We first moved over and I've been possibly choosing the rule of not having a relationship but the fear and the bill. That's worse with time. What would what would pursuing a relationship? Look like That's what I try. I'm trying to figure out like yeah. I mean he's my dad and he's he's I feel like he's trying to maintain a relationship with me and I just don't know how to work past it. I know I can sometimes come across as something of a meddler but I only decided to get involved in the business of upturning people's entire lives after hours sometimes even even days of careful consideration but then I've never hosted a call in show before and so- adrenaline is by the single flashing light light on my switchboard and the imperial perch of my slightly elevated Swivel Chair. I dive in. Would you want me to call him up and I say this by the way like with the the idea that could be terrible terrible idea. I'm not championing this idea. This could be a stupid idea. Yeah it's better than any of the ideas that I've had for the past year so yeah I think I think I think it would be helpful. My idea is to serve as a Lisa's emotional advance scout to call her dad and see if he might be ready after all this time to talk to a lease and offer some answers given what elise is told me about her dad. I can't say I'm optimistic about that. But then again. I can't say I'm optimistic about anything. Saying Goodbye for the rest of your calls. No one's GONNA call anyway so no this is good call in show and so it comes to pass that a email billy as waiters response. I imagine various scenarios. Maybe billy will treat me the Lakers student loan officer. Sorry Sir. You've got the wrong billy. He might say or. Perhaps we'll try to convince me. I have the story all wrong along that at least in her mom are the real villains after a week and a half I finally hear back from billy in his actual response is more surprising than any. I might have imagined. It's just a simple node apologizing for the delay billy explains it's the rainy season in the Philippines and it's been messing with his Internet but he says he really wants to talk to me to be honest with view he writes. You were the only hope. I have of communicating with the lease. Hello Hi this. Is Jonathan Goldstein speaking. Hey Jonathan aged. It's terrible evening here again. Thunder and lightning. I told you rainy season so but anyway so east contact. Although Elisa's last memory of her dad was at her graduation ceremony. Billy has a different final memory and as he describes it it was one of the most painful moments of his life. He was in the midst of the separation from a lease mom walking walking out of the garage carrying box and deep sea shaving with the house from the driveway and Elise was in the garden. Would well when she saw him. She darted back into believing and kind of heat will sell. Oh so I couldn't see but I know for black she solman 'cause we made our content. Doc I get that this had to have been painful for billy but is Elisa's interlocutor. I tell him this isn't about his pain. It's about his daughter's daughter's pain in her anger and if there to speak he should be prepared for that. I can't imagine that something billy wants to hear and I'm worried how he'll react as far as her feeling anger on her mother's behalf wrapped. I can assure you on understandable once again billy has managed to surprise me. I basically Blunt Shit all over that woman on them Agents and was one particular Sunday morning. She was a cooking. But I and the phone rings and there's a woman on the island and and the woman says hey. This is Angela. And I speak to Boeing and simple. Who you and she you just openly? She should one girlfriend action. Ones getting up Concha section like that on a Sunday morning in the middle of breakfast on your husbands go and at least the kids that we need one can assure you girl or she says it's accurate and if it's not only ugly pitcher. She's left something I trust me. It's really ugly secure but absolutely nothing. Alive won't be completely honest. Oakland avail up and I have absolutely no problem discussing after hearing. Everything Elise had to say about billy's unwillingness to own up his refusal to engage. I was expecting the worst but billy seems genuinely remorseful apologetic and even eager to hear his daughter out. He tells me he kept his distance since out of fear. That at least didn't WanNa hear from him at all but he thinks about her all the time. I don't know if it is. I'm all her either. I don't know if it's based talk feel like I've lost my door. I don't know what it is but it was only sorry. Teach when I found out she had moved to mean to make call him back. tweet me because to me. That means she wants to get our relationship back back in. And that is desperately what I want This episode of heavyweight is brought to you by Bonobos but oh bows is a menswear company that wants to help every man find his fit it that means embracing who you are and finding your own style this fall. bonobos is celebrating men across the country who found their fit in their own way visit. BONOBOS DOT COM that's B. O. N. B. O. S. dot com to read their stories. Then start finding the clothes that will help you look and feel like like your best self enter Promo Code heavyweight at checkout to get fifteen percent off your first order with more fits more sizes more colors and more styles. However you fed? Noboa's fits you. This episode of heavyweight is brought to you by squarespace Jonathan. I think it's time you went legit core. Hey just editor at Gimblett media with all due respect wet in the world are you talking about Roud my moonlighting side project and side-hustle have all been cleared by HR Jonathan. I'm talking about how you find. Old stuffed. The animals in the garbage dust them off stitch-up torn little ears and noses. And then southbound from the back of your mom station wagon to blissed out Dum dums at major music festivals. That's not illegal. Is it legit businessman. Put in that. I may my taxes. Jonathan Nothing legit unless it has a website does your quote unquote business. Business have a website. What's a website? Oh brother I've learned that a website is one way to legitimize your side. Hustle and squarespace makes exit easy to make one they offer beautiful templates that you can customize to your liking to get started visit squarespace dot com slash heavyweight for a free trial when you're ready to launch us the offer code heavyweight to save ten percent off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's where space dot com slash heavyweight offer offer code heavyweight to save ten percent. This episode of heavyweight is brought to you by the two thousand Nineteen Subaru share the love event. Uh Hey Jonathan can I have a bite of that apple I feel funny about sharing. Fruit was is that. Would you have a pocket knife or something. I've got what I call God's pocket knives. My teeth Everybody your apple. I'm kind of afraid that I might be coming down with something. So you're coming down something something like Apple Sheriff Phobia. I just Kinda feel funny. Thank you just got more aid when you just have the rest or personally. I think it's better to be a giver than a taker during the Subaru share. The love event. If you purchase a new Subaru between now and January second Subaru will give two hundred. Fifty dollars is to help those in need over the last eleven years the Subaru share the love event has raised more than one hundred and forty five million dollars to help organizations like make a wish and meals meals on wheels to learn more about how to make an impact. Visit your local Subaru retailer or go to Subaru dot com slash share that Subaru DOT COM macos lash share least hi. How are you nice to meet you? I've invited at least my office in Brooklyn so that we can call her father together. It will be the first first time in five years. That least here's billy's voice Harry feeling very nervous you are. Do you want some coffee. Nothing comes the Kish goes better than a Nice Cup of coffee at least declines and we settle in for some small talk while I set up the call as we chat I'm struck by Elisa's Lisa cultural sensitivity wasn't a candidate Kennedy recently in Wa. Thank you and what. I fumble around incapable incapable of an appropriately. Reciprocal well wish Where three days after candidate day? So that makes it the third maybe the fourth of July by now I got nothing I tell the lease about my conversation with billy. How remorseful and open to talking? He seemed she still worried but says she wasn't even expecting things to progress this far. I'm very surprised she spoke to you. I'm very candid with you. So that's a positive is it of right and that's a change. Yeah told YOU WANNA try this shark make the call. Yeah so it's Monday six in the evening so it is six. Am in the Philippines early. Yeah yeah well. Let's try him. Hello is this bill. Yes Hi Bill. This is Jonathan Goldstein. Speaking a buddy what's going on. I'm here with Elise. Hey Dad hi hi honey how are you. I'm I'm good. How are you good to send? That's good. I'm glad that you were approached. y'All any communication that we can get our I. It is very good yeah. I'm sorry it took such a long time. I just honey I understand what all still work soon copeland's and went along with more than one one hundred percent if you think back when you shared a lot of great times but at least isn't here to talk about the Great Times. She's here to talk about the bad times. In fact she's written up some notes to make sure she doesn't leave any feelings or questions on sad. The the notes are in her hand but she isn't looking at them instead. She speaks from the heart. Okay I have thought about emailing you back. I've just been so angry angry that I didn't think it would be productive And like I have just wanted to. I like yell at you or cry or custody out for leaving not explaining me thing but I don't feel that like intense anger anymore and I am sad that we don't have a relationship like we used to but I feel like every time I let you back in and I forgive you for whatever has happened before you end up just breaking my heart again an and I I do find it very insulting that you gave another child my name first and last name and I don't know I don't know what it relationship we're going to have in the future. I just I had to sort of get in some of this out for any of that to be possible. The billy is silent for a while when he finally does respond. He skips right over. The big question about is leaving without explanation and focuses. This is on the second question instead. The question of Lisa's name. Well I can tell you it was her mother marks the name a leash auction of complex. Thanks to you know you know literally slump. But I didn't links to be honest with you and then the culture and the Philippine Different Gucci when other example. Wonder if your favorite dogs charring okay. I've never owned a German ship or the ogre. He'll but we had a dog. Doc Story that I know what would they call the doll- by the look on her face at least doesn't seem reassured by the fact that like her Charlie. The beloved German Shepherd from her childhood had also been replaced. Although I haven't been to the Philippines it feels as though billy is throwing an entire country under the bus to save his own hide in the silence. I try to bring things back to what I think think is billy strongest suit. His seemingly renewed capacity for repentance. I want at least to hear what I heard and billy during our first conversation so I try to steer things in that direction bill You know you you you you mentioned Feeling regret what would you do differently if you had a chance to to do things over we you don't think final outcome change. Not only with me. I should have code Cole or family meeting and I should have gone over in Kinkel. We've crimes and bait and Qur`an Dan the family meeting about leaving. Your family was not the do over. I was expecting adding after having heard the level of Old Testament shaming express than our first phone. Call I'm surprised that Billy's now talking the language of meetings and launch dates they at least stares down at the floor. She looks at me. Billy's not giving her what she needs so she puts it to him as directly as she can like. You have to understand that you just disappeared and I had no context like I wanna know what you were thinking when you left and like why you left. I like what happened. Well Lots of things insult to dogging losing I'm here I'm I'm listening. There's anything you want to say well. They were several several happened. It's a long stone Arwood like were on to step by step. Go condo climbed born busy schedule is there any like brief overview us. Yeah on the dance. Your conscience are alcoholics. The Nation you know happened. Think in more them happy. Explain it to you but then nothing in the conversation goes round and round. Billy reassures lease that. He has explanations explanations of every lane and level of detail bill. It's just that he never actually shares any more than happy with every question you have. Is there anything you've wanted to say to me. They won't all across Jim but I won't answer like right now. You're just telling when you're going to tell me like do you have anything billy likes to talk about talking about heart things but we're not actually talking about them still at least keeps pushing I understand that it's very painful for you but I there have been so many times when we've just glossed over insane things that have happened crazy things. I understand that there has to be explanations within supports the options for coaching and things done And all about eve. He's done his act for last question. I have how her Billy's not making any headway talking about the past. So he turns the conversation into the future. What's in poor taste? I get shady. Which one more I want to go? Yeah I don't. I don't want that either and with that at least his hands fall into her lap as an interlocutor interlocutor. There isn't much for me to do. The least here's what Billie is saying and not saying and she doesn't need any help to understand so I do the only thing I can. I sit beside her. commiserating with raised. Eyebrows and puzzled looks saying without words. I see the same things you do. And it's not got you for the rest of the call. Elise stays quiet quiet and allows billy to talk though it feels as though he's mostly talking to himself backward going more. Don't go backwards. Too much pain back. There can be back mirror. Just sprung. Wouldn't happen but shit show buying coke. Kurt's a loss the as billy tries to push away the past while cowering from the future. The present takes hold the one. Billy can't deny I am Totaling one minute Are Unknown personally responsible for and so in other explanations eliminations ought to know. I'll be more democracy. That dog will be more than happy and more. Won't that billy promises that that evening he'll send to lease an email in email email. That will explain everything but it never arrives not that night or the next or any night in the months that follow. I really mail you later today. Okay yeah in June okay. Bill will have a good rest of the day. Thanks for thanks for talking dead. I appreciate it our great Dane hunting you till eighteen Okay how you doing once. We're off the phone on elites and I go over what just happened. She tells me she felt steamrolled. And I tell you that I felt it too. I wasn't really sure what I wanted to get out of it. I don't think that everyone gets sort of like equally agreeable compromised remind ending but for a long time I felt like the burden of us. Not Having a relationship was on me because he would email and I would never respond and that was kind of the end of bet and I feel like now that I have tried to contact him like the burden of us not having whatever relationship I think we should have. Love is not as much on me. I feel a lot of skill now. We'll never be as close as it sounds. It's like he wanted us to be. I don't think that's likely and like maybe it's okay that I don't push for that. I think he creates his own universe like I lived. I was a permanent resident of like billy worlds for a number of years and I was glad to get off the ride like you. Don't get to live in the university. You create unexpected not to affect other people And other people have have been affected in recent months elise has been corresponding with a British man named Martin and Martin was able to help release answer the question of why why her father left in a way that billy himself. Couldn't Martin believes he's billy son or before billy left England for Chattanooga so unlike Elise Martin grew up without a father because likely one day without warning his father left moved to another country and started another family and from wet Martin is saying he's not the only one there's another man living in England he tells her who also believes leaves. That billy is his father. The two of them have been trying to reach billy for years. In fact it turns out that Martin analysts have brushed against each other before a long time ago. When I was growing up? She remembers the home phone ringing. Usually around the holidays and a young man with her father's accent on the line asking to speak to billy back then. Billy said Martin was a distant cousin and all these years later Martin still feels like he's being pushed away he just wants billy to acknowledge him in learning about Martin and other possible half-brother our story three has repeated itself over and over at least found the answer. She needed the answer. Billy himself was never able to give her. It isn't about her whereabout Martin or anyone else. The reason billy did what billy did is because that's what billy does Martin and the other possible half-brother are planning take a DNA test and they'd like at least to take one too if their DNA matches hers. Martin says it's all the proof they'll need billy will have to accept them him as his own when I talked to her on the phone about it later on at least says she isn't sure a DNA test will give Martin the thing he's looking for but she does want to help. Knowing how much I wanted closure it would definitely be good to be able to provide him some so the next time she and Martin speak. She'll offer him this whatever relationship you have in your head that you want with him is probably not possible and like I can confirm that you're genetically related but that doesn't guarantee that he will be a presence in your life in a way that you want. Because he is not able to do that for me in other words at least will tell Martin. I see the same things you you do. And it's not you a few months after our recall with her father tonight check back in. She tells me she still hasn't heard from billy but she suspects that around the holidays. Like always and you'll get that three sentences email in when she does this time show right and back happy whatever holiday it is show right. Hope you're well loved police turning turning to its goodwill Damage take this moment to manage. The accident in this episode of heavyweight was produced by me. Jonathan Goldstein along with Parker Colella. Hold and Stevie lay. The show is edited by Hor. Hey just special. Thanks to emily. Khandan Caitlyn Roberts. Alex Goldman Caitlyn. Kenny Alex Bloomberg and Jackie Cohen. Bobby Lord mixed the episode with with original music by Christine Fellows John K Samson Michael Hurst and Bobby Lord additional music credits can be found on our website Gimblett media dot com slash heavyweight. Our theme song by the weaker ends courtesy of epitaph records and our ad music by Haley. Shaw follow us on twitter at heavyweight or email us at heavyweight wait at GIMBLETT MEDIA DOT com. You can listen for free on spotify or wherever you get your podcasts will be gone for the holidays but back with a new episode in in December in the meantime will leave you with something. You didn't even know you were waiting for this year's Thanksgiving saw by heavyweight audio engineer Bobby Lord and it's a special treat to share with the whole family once you're tired of talking to each other take it away. Bob Is Dr Jonathan by Jonathan Goldstein. It is Shining Boltz. Boltz astonished. Both I don't listen to podcasts Sold them rapidly becoming Tony. Shillue I think Paul Boltz because because we've wasted our lives don't we've wasted our lives Levin work at the two pillars of our life. The job has always been that place where I'd been needed in feel important. This show is it's not about the workplace it is a show about the people who work in that place. This really is that two people you want to communications company with both like addressed veto communicate. 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