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Strap-On Sex & Kinky Recs with Zoe Ligon

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Sex Toys are treated like replacements for people or like things that are going to emasculate. Somebody and I'm like nobody feels emasculated. When you use a fork to eat nobody feels emasculated use? He's a power drill to construct something and don't you masturbate. What fuck is that it only never about such a clunky word to when you have a Volva? There's not that many cute words for now I mean I say jacking off right like I've claimed that word for myself. Thanks for listening to sex with emily today. Show I'm joined by SEX EDUCATOR ZOE WIGAN and we're talking about God's so so much on the show from sexual mental health two chassis to dill those trust me. This show is chock full topics include Y._2. Take a break from dating sex or masturbation obation because we can only use one once in a while dildos. There's so many different types so how'd you find the right one for you. So how do you have fun getting into new kinks and exploring boring with your new partner and the latest and greatest in the world of sex tech all this and more thanks for listening. I want to tell you about one of the oldest and most trusting relationships in my life. It's probably the only one that's like never really let me down. I'm talking of of course about the Magic Wand I mean the magic wand was a big part of my life. Even before I started the show and it's not going anywhere in my life or anyone else's else's. I mean you want to know why the Magic Wand has been delivering pleasure for fifty years the long time and still the best selling massage want in the world world. I think it has something to do with all that power. I mean they don't call it the Cadillac vibrators for Nothin' Whoa it's a good one and even though it's not easy to improve on something so timeless they did it again with the latest version called the magic wand plus and it is awesome so like the original the magic wand plus is a full-size is plugging massage want it features a soft silicone head easy to use controls and variable speed that lets you go from a low rumble two O.. M. G. With the push of a button and if if you don't have a magic wand near life trust me you should there are now three models to choose from original rechargeable and the all new plus you can see them all and go on for yourself at sex with emily early dot com slash magic Juan. That's my site such dot com slash magic want immunize is the is is that our secret is recall boyfriend because many here he just got his heart broke anything kind of cute standard. The women know about shrinkage. Catch isn't a common knowledge. What do you mean like laundry shrinks about sexual? Oh my fierce being bad feels pretty good the emily's not the kind of Germany just play. You're listening to sex with emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything everything in between for more information check out sexual family dot com. You're gonNA love our site. I know it and you can find me on Sirius X._M.. Radio I'm there Monday through Friday five five to seven P._M.. Pacific on stars one nine and it is such a good time and if you don't have Sirius X._M.. You can still call in with your questions triple eight nine four seven eight two seven seven seven and if you want a free trial and you can go to sex with emily dot com slash s x m as always you can find us an all social media. It's at sex with emily across the board archives. I hope you enjoy this show with Zoe Lincoln. Welcome back Zoe to the show or just GonNa Start which I love seeing you okay last time we were here. We talked about the unrealistic parts of porn myriad of sex toys that we're both from Michigan a lot of the stuff we've gone through and so what what since then it's been a year I feel like we love your instagram. How can we will find you in your instagram? I'm at Thong Brea Esma. That's my personal account but the sex toy store that I own is shop spectrum boutique shops becton routine. Check that out so it's it's so such a great mix of everything with toys the <hes> who you are what you're going through. It's very real invulnerable everything that you're putting out there so what has happened in the last year. Do you feel like there's been any ships. Let's talk with our industry. Any shifts shifts in sex that you've seen or with toys or products or anything happening. There are so many new innovative things and when people talk about sex tech heck innovation. I feel that my previous assumption is like Oh something robotic something APP compatible but I think that the coolest innovations nations are things that are actually non motorized and just like really ingenious shapes helmy the New York toy collective love. Jack is a two in one masturbation sleeve and packer so it's like you know how there's those packing penises that you can wear to get a bulge. They created a super soft silicone one that is also a stroke her. Oh so it's like a realistic fallas that is a stronger and there's like other stroker's out there. Most of them are elastomer silicone and none of them looked like a penis slate so just great for gender affirmation at hard to I like why aren't more people making silicones stroker's because you can get silicone that soft yeah safely these days yeah. I don't know why so you're saying it could be in your pant and you can have your packer yeah but then you're like Oh and now it's time to to masturbate exactly they're already anymore. I love a twofer. I love the I do okay so there's definitely more products and companies run by women made for women by women win stuff products like last year at the shoulder more. What do you think I think that C._B._D.? Is Like it's interesting that the sex industry has taken C._B._D.. Under its wing because I have noticed a lot of crossover people who used to work in the cannabis industry now getting into the segue right industry. There's definitely like a differential between the first of all sex drugs like why didn't happen sooner because it's legal everywhere. I already have this drug at this. Do we medicine card-carrying michigander right exactly. How have you found it? HELPS CBS are others babies you hear from two for sex the Lou even just anxiety I personally use the FAURIA awaken the most I I just like the smell of it and I'm not usually like sent in fragrance person but it's pretty mild it. It makes I hate would people use terms like it's going to change your orgasm because everybody's experience of it is so different my but for me it just feels like the sensations sensations in my g spot or just all of the sensations feel more easily accessible. I I have a really hard time. I'm feeling like connected to my body and staying present especially during sex. It's really easy to let your mind water wander when you don't feel totally comfortable eh in your body <hes> and I'm sure we're going to get deeper into this but like as a very trauma centric educator at the moment just because I've been unpacking so much childhood sexual trauma that it's like okay. I really need things to get me focusing on. What I I WANNA be focusing on by another thing oddly? I'm really into right now was feather tick lers yeah. It's something that I've sold for years eight years now and just been like it's great at arouse exactly exactly I love other tipplers. I WANNA like make deluxe line feather tickles because I hate how they're all so inexpensive and fall apart really easily. Will you get some dragging lube and there goes X._M.. Saadi feather Taylor that doesn't feel good yeah. It's like body. He is and I just feel really numb in my body a lot it sucks and it is a different type of stimulation. That isn't like touch but really you know. It sounds that gives me. The tingles is A._M.. Are Does so I love Savar. Just learning what that is to recently gently. I did not know how do you sent. It's the sound yeah that an auditory or sometimes visual now people are like feelings things and auditory visual things can set it off but it's just the sensation of tingles going down your spine and it's one of those feelings that you know when you feel it and otherwise you don't I discovered that I was like A._S._M._A._R.. Sensitive when I went to the eye doctor growing up because he'd be looking like so how school it would be like oh so uncomfortable I'd also okay to tipplers Tummy Lake Willoughby if you did beat startling <unk> would be like different size feathers or you just like is it. Just maybe one that could cover more surface area. I mean I guess I don't like the idea that feathers come from some animals but lake a large we could be found a lot of ground yeah like found on the ground father but yeah even use more surface area better better adhesives. I don't tell me how you use the feather because that's because you're right and you all the things you're saying. I'm like by get this feather ticker. It's really cool for center. Let's let's go deeper. Tell me about an experience you've had with the feather ticks. Oh yes I did Madari's for two FEM in San Francisco last August I believe and in her goodie bag there were two other players. You know and I'm like okay well his L._V.. Is You know I'll take them anyway. I'll get you a friend and then my boyfriend away friend opened my boyfriend was with me in San Francisco and we like open up the bag and like he just ignores everything else and he's just like these. I Love Them. Um and then it's literally like just lay down on the bed like I'm on an examination table. Just like you know plopped there naked and you know you can use to do it once or one at once but he'll just like it's like a massage but with feathers and it's like not inherently sexual Garages Jiggling Kamal of your body. That's I know and it's also not as strenuous as giving somebody a massage so I feel like it's a really sweet way that we connect even if we're not going to have any other type of India cores but we just want to be like intimate like intimacy over sex for me with these these days not that sex isn't earn extra talking intercourse and we are on this right. We're staying page that like the fact that it's all defined by just penis in vagina a sex which is educated. We talk about but really like I all the time so many of the questions we'd acid in life are like what's wrong with me because I can't orgasm during intercourse <hes> Y penises getting softer then don't have well. Guess what there's so many other things on the table everyone. Let's get on board with that mission right like what else is on the table he will and then also just let it people are just you realize everyday. They're shocked Doodo realize that we feel like we fail if the orgasm doesn't come from intercourse if you kind of had sex virginity is just penetrations the whole thing is like insane to be because there is just dragging feathers and who knows if you got a feather Taylor or you got something thing else my lead to sex more likely than just making out of your partner than sticking it in or doing whatever which is something that doesn't work for many people know so many people I learned how to stimulate themselves with humping a pillow or like an armchair or whatever. How did you learn sex toys first thing found sex to a yeah I had partnered sex for five years before I even dreamt of masturbating? It's so weird to think back on what that mental block doc was but I think it's again one of those blocked off trauma areas where it's like. I don't WanNa feel my own body with my own hands for whatever reason so I needed and I still at present need a tool that I can use to interact with my body and that is great. That's that's lovely really for me but it's like sex. Toys are treated like replacements for people or like things that are going to emasculate. Somebody and I'm like nobody feels emasculated. When you use a fork to eat nobody feels masculine? Use a power drill to construct something so why is this extension of your hand so different from any other appliance exactly so what do you say to that when people are like why I don't need a toy. We don't need that or it's or it does feel like it's an affront to mask. Yeah I re- people all the time are like why wouldn't you toilet. I I had this conversation three times already today three different interviews so I'd say I probably defense. You're talking you yeah. It's like it depends on the tone of voice so much as well L. First of all you don't have to use joys of course but if you want to use something and you are afraid about bruising somebody else's Ego. Why are you you prioritizing? Somebody else's needs before your own. I think the way it comes up for me. The most is like I wanna sex tway but something that's like really offensive so that my boyfriend won't have a problem. Tom And it's you know it's generally the the male partner who is the person of concern although it's totally a double standard when it comes to toys toys for penises how that is stigmatized as being you know weird and creepy. I don't need that a hand. What do I need it for but just try because sex's beautiful sensory experience sensory experience that were so limited like we only see all just many scratched the surface of what's possible so what if you didn't like stroke or how cool would that be yeah? I'm honestly just getting so excited to get older and feel even more comfortable in my body. I'm twenty seven. I feel like take my twenty. s are just like struggling clawing my way out of adolescence. I really just want to be an older person with with the life experience and but behind me to make me confident enough to not be this people pleaser who will get all walked over just to like keep the Peace Easter leg. I'm this person who will just like be like oh like you decide things and it's like I've deprived myself of this autonomy to the point where I have a hard time even figuring out what my actual needs are and then if you can't communicate that to somebody like how can you expect a partner to just figure everything now four you buy so that's what is so exciting about sex education for me is that I truly feel like I learn alongside everybody else and even if it's a lesson I've already learned. I want to continuously learn. The lesson. Yet is just what my brain gets off on. I think that you're always a teacher and the student right. I think I'm learning learning. I can never hear things enough. Sometimes it's like and everytime you agree to your favorite book when you go back again. There's always like new things in it so it's it's the same thing about this. This kind of work do because hits you at different points in your life but also like like the feather tickers are great example. I've heard about now. I can't wait to go home. I next to my bed Ed just sitting there. I know what they are and may have tried it years ago but it always lands differently. If you're with different partners you're indifferent space. I WanNa go to backseat something you said about <hes> not not masturbating so this thing that I came up with this year because I've been doing some trauma work as well. It was more like emotional travel work around it but any kind of <hes> traumas trauma emotionless shell too <hes> and I I always thought to myself. Why did I masturbate either? I was having sex for four five years where I've been hurt the cloth so it was like in college. I must have been like twenty one. I was like Ok guys. What is the big deal about sex? My boyfriend comes in from Michigan state pounding away at meows in Michigan. I'm like they don't know what eighteen nineteen and like don't you masturbate and I was like what fuck is that. I never thought about such a clunky word to when you have a vulva. There's not like any not that many cute words for now I mean I say jacking off right like I've claimed that word for myself right nation. I don't even like there's so many words. I don't love around sex I just I just want to change a lot of the words. It's a lot of the freezing now axe even just rebranding sacks overall <hes>. So what do we what I realize was. I was like I got mad. I was like why did anyone tell me about it and then then can you hear all the stories about women who were like riding a horse at eight or a bike in the shower. They'd orgasmic nine and they've known has like well. Why did I ever think about it and then I realize I think I had a lot of anxiety and trauma going? There was no I was like probably would like wound up at a ball that I wasn't like. Let me explore. Let me feel so same thing for we. That sex was often very like I wasn't till I started masturbating buying toys. I actually learned to feel stuff during sex and then doing trump. Have you done like <hes> trauma therapy at all if you think A._M._D.. The are you doing that. I'm in talk therapy. I have tried various energy work. Things and I'm going to try more things and it's funny Yeah brain it's now. I thought it was we we too but it's not really it's like you basically go through your processes the way your brain is in that would using these little buzzers funny the little vibrators you vibrators but they're so it's interesting to get to learn your body but I think whether you've trauma or not for so many women we are shut down and we're we're not so we started this conversation talking about like marijuana. Where would you wanna read or how can pot hot Michigan with you using things like that to get into into the mood and too and that's why I love sensory player fighters or toys because so many of us are still under the belief that and I get it now because with the serious show to its at callers from all over the states up so cool? It's really cool. It's really cool and it's like Oh yeah. You're you're like me. You're forty or fifty now. You're in Michigan Still Ohio or anywhere Florida California parts of California and it's still like everything else but penetrative sex is is is wrong and I'm not having pleasure and I've never had pleasure pleasure and then just trying to get people into like just experimenting and try and opening up because a lot of us like I said whether or not we're still shutdown. We haven't had orgasms and we haven't had you know what what kind of questions are. You getting asked most we. There's trends here that happened and I feel like a lot of is just about. I can't focus during sex no longer. I'm not mindful <hes> Orgasms and a lot more pegging questions most you I have noticed especially since I've started doing my own like sex adjacent podcast called hot rain with my boyfriend and we it's great because he is not in the sex industry so I love hearing his his impressions of all the questions we get asked 'cause I'm like immune to everything at this point and he was like picking up on the fact that so many questions are asking about asexuality sexuality and interesting. I think that I mean we know that roughly one percent of the population is a sexual and it's also very interesting because as I made a post there is like a butt plug that blush came out with that had the colors of the a sexual pride flag and I posted that and it was so interesting testing how there was a group of actual folks who were like this is so awesome I love the there's like a sexual pride flag colors on a butt plug <hes> and all all that yeah actual pride colors flag like my favorite set then you might also say okay a sexual. Why would there be a butt plug with a sexual pride flag colors <hes> <hes> pleasure is a different thing from sexuality and it actually started a controversy in the comments because there were a lot of sexual people who were like I like who don't enjoy pleasure whatsoever and they were like don't misrepresent a sexual as people who you know want us about plug Ugh and you know I wasn't making statement one way or the other but it was interesting to see a sexual folks who do enjoy stimulation whether it's with themselves or with a partner there they were romantically attracted to and the people who are just like this misrepresentation and I think everybody's correct like I choose to you with anything right? You're dislike trying to show you a lot of sexual. So is it people saying I'm I think I may sexual. Do you think I am because I don't think they are because they don't don't desire set exactly but they're not yeah you don't have an entire sex life and then not have sex and suddenly you're a sexual I mean another controversial thing thing is whether there is a spectrum I think the Demi Sexuality as sexuality and sexuality just like romantic attraction is a spectrum but again again in this but plug debacle at our business is there but it's a real debacle again. There's like a people people who like I may sexual and there's no such thing as spectrum. Your misrepresent is just so it I mean it was fascinating to me as somebody who is sexual but also you know is trying to do thus to educate you know from third person standpoint <hes> yeah very interesting stuff but I do think that we are in a particularly a intense time to be sexually active right now not just because of what is socially and politically happening. I think that people are addressing trauma more. I think but just generally when your brain is more unpacking of things in the world around you and there's more language and awareness around sexual sexual dynamics it feels a lot more scary dive back in with that self awareness of sexuality so sometimes just the education itself makes us want to take Augusta back to recalibrate lake. I think the trend for me is like you know being a sex educator isn't like I'm having this wild and crazy sex life or or like I'm even good at sex ache. You don't know if I'm good terrible right exactly. I'd like to say no you you the things that could due to make it better. I love how open to our two right exactly like I know how to get there but since we don't want sexy I'm not having sex all the time at all. I ran this little break for about six seven months. How yeah a lot it's literally? I don't know if I've gone this long before. We're just like I am so not interested. I was like I've been in this like what was like. You're sick of it because I do get sick talking about sex having sex because you talk all the time like chefs still eat right but right now I've just been I'm not even I don't think my sexual but no I've just like I said in other things friends but it's funny all those things that go out there but I love it. I love that you do a great job of this on your her instagram and I have not listened to your hopping podcast yet but never like my friends listen to you know what I mean. I'm never like own by. Didn't you listen to my podcast only listened when my friends do. I'm shocked. That's how I feel is. I'm not a push her. I can listen or not were friends before and after Bush must off onto anti Oh. I think it's interesting how sex breaks are so relative because I've I have friends who are like it's been three days and then my friends who ever had sex for years or just like please give me a break exactly right. No it's right you go. It's been a month. It's been wherever but it was just like yeah. I wasn't feeling it. You know at this point joint would I love is your instagram that you are so open about your confidence and even though you're not like a picture you post your like I know use L. Post pictures of my tummy me looking flatter turning around and I think I am your beautiful woman smart and just to be like this is who I really am and in all the different poses in phases and how would you explain explain that to was it through posting things or through just being you that help with the confidence IRV. You always have this confidence and I get it's all like every day is so different awesome like do I have confidence yes. Do I have self-esteem. I'm working on it right point. Let's talk about that for a minute. I think it's interesting too because because I think the way I worded that posts specifically about my stomach I didn't use any words like fat or body positively but I still had a lot of people saying thing you know body positively isn't for thin women and I completely recognize that it wasn't created by and for people who look like me but at at the same time you just never know what's going on in somebody's brain you can't look at someone's body and no they have an eating disorder or not <hes> but it was is a great learning experience for me as well. I love when people are correcting me on stuff like that but the truth of the matter is that my entire life I've had people walk up to me be like congratulations on your baby baby and like to say that to anyone never do and just having glimpses of the way the outside world would look at me. <hes> I guess I didn't I wasn't born feeling uncomfortable in my skin but also I was like a studio dance student for her a decade and being the tallest girl who's also the largest in your class like I was always you know stuck in the back because I was so big big quote unquote relative to every other girl in the class so it's like it's really society reinforcing these messages but God it really is so much about like needing to take a step back from clothes and makeup and beauty and all the messages ages where sent like even just landing in L. A. Leaving Detroit and like I went to a restaurant and I was genuinely just like where the fuck am I right you. Can I mean and like I think I'm starting to learn about because all the beauty you're the the the showy whatever like six alerts. Oh yeah that the last surgery which like I'm not here to say whether that's right for you or not but that's just not in Michigan. It's just not in Michigan. Michigan is not what I moved to L._A.. From Michigan was from Stanford well. Actually it wasn't in San Francisco either to be honest but when I moved here is like Oh always everyone's Bresser faker everyone. It's just a different Jiro detachment but it's always like whoa where you'll see jarring the closer. I feel like my body is to the supposed- standard of what society thinks beauty India's the less good. I feel about Myself Inter stand some of the most confident times I've been. Are you know when I maybe it was less like that. Social norms blame that from it. What do you think that is? I think it's just this preoccupation like so many other things that we used to distract ourselves. It's like if we focus on perfecting this external shell of ours. It's a really convenient distraction from what's going on inside of our hearts and our mind. I'd rather be worrying about the way I look then my childhood trauma right. <hes> and I don't think that's why everybody but you're saying that the time time for you that you feel the best though is when you're not worrying about your body out so great which is so like but it's just getting people depri- themselves away from that like you'll be okay actually. Would you focus on other things but you're so right. It's about this when you're always striving to the outside for perfection. It's about control right at which doesn't really I've honestly learned and a lot about that from my boyfriend <hes> because he feels like one of the most upsetting things for him as when people are basing their opinion of somebody on very like like vein external factors and he's really kind of made me recognize how much I still have to undo like you know my impressions impressions of like people pretty privileged. Things are like just putting too much importance. It's not that like Oh disregard us that a in the world altogether but just putting such an emphasis on like humans having any like the connecting human worth at all to an image is so oh sad and damaging for everybody's he's helped you realize that how through just seeing how you that you're doing it or does his opinion because I feel like you have distinct talking about your your instagram or that image yeah yeah I think I definitely don't have this stuff figured geared out at all but also unpacking my own understanding of like what how I need to keep and maintain my body. I mean now I have a short short haircut and I love my short hair. I love it but it was definitely I knew going from boob length hair to a pixie cut it was going to be a challenge for me and feeling connected to my femininity which is again bullshit because feminists is has nothing to do with the length of your hair but being like oh this is my security blanket and I'm going to rip off my security blanket and you know I think I did it last year this year as I show I show here. I don't feel like I was like the it's true though it's a thing for women to when you don't have it how do you still feel pretty and then it then you realize I still it's a good exercise just like let it go doesn't take me long but you're like okay. I'm still myself. I'm still carry myself. I'm really doesn't matter when sees me wait till you. There's something about hair yeah and it's like I think it's also just getting a little bit older and having a better like don't fuck with me face but I've also oh had this realization that like I am not being like catcalled as much which I'm very happy about but I'm also like I'm not getting all the unsolicited unsolicited attention I used to get when I was younger and I think really wanting to draw attention with my body and there's nothing nothing wrong with that but it was a double edged sword of like I want to. I love attention. Let's be real every human being wants attention but like honey. I know what you're talking about dude. I'm there I'm there. I'm like I used to hate. I got so much attention all the time from music. It's too much grove. I went and style. Are you complaining that these people like you. You're GONNA miss it. When you're older? That's been cat callers would say to me too while you're gonNA miss it one day right well and then it stops in your way and I know but then you're like okay or days when you just don't feel that I have a cat called it are what does it mean about me. It's just just messed up programs attention. It's a whole thing of course we do have a show called sex but I realized why started at fourteen years ago but I was like we're taking. I know it's a lot thank you socal. It was funny because I always was having a brown men and attention and then once I started the show I got a lot of dench. I think I like finally was like I and then the show also gave me more confidence in my to be not only to be educated to be a businesswoman. All these things are guys weren't quick break when we come back even more zoe C._B._d.. Is Literally everywhere nowadays I mean for pain for sex for example eighty and I've been talking about since the first few products that are coming out because I truly believe in all of it. The thing is though just because it's everywhere does not mean. It's all the same which is why it's so important to know where it comes from and what you're getting okay family are thinking but where do I start well. I'll tell you veritas farms. I'm so excited because I've been obsessed with their C._B._D.. Gumy's I've been popping them in the office. Veritas Artas Farms is a leading producer full spectrum C._B._D.. Products you can trust I mean they literally run their own farms and Colorado in control. The entire manufacturing processes themselves itself which is more than a lot of companies in any field can say Veritas farms makes C._B._D.. tinctures capsules moisturizers Lip Bombs Anna Topical Solve solved. You can actually find a national chains like C._V._S.. I use it all the time for my back pain. I use it for all my pain. I use it for a sleep. You guys you're GonNa love it if you haven't tried it yet got their products use organic ingredients and the aren't throwing any like too good to be true promises in your face just the facts about what you're actually buying so to check out all of Veritas farms full spectrum C._B.. Products go to sex with emily DOT COM slash Veritas. That's my site sex with emily. Dot Com Slash V. V. E. R.. I T. A. S. Today you obsessed with. You're doing your exercises regularly. I mean they do stop those knees impeach situations and they lead to more intense orgasms. I mean that's why we need a strong public floor and honestly hate to break into you. It weakens over time it just does which is where B._T.. L. M. Sela it comes in and trust me. There's a good chance it can change your life so check this out B._T.. ALUM SELA is a large share that you sit in fully clothed. 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There are hundreds of providers offering B._T.. L. Himself Treatments to find more near you go to sex with EMILY DOT COM slash B._t.. The L. that sex with EMILY DOT COM slash B._T.. L. I am so excited to let you know you can now hear sex with only live five days a week on Sirius this X._M.. Radio you'll find me in stars Channel One nine Monday through Friday at five to seven P._M.. Pacific eight to ten P._M.. Eastern but don't worry the podcast sting right here my brand new radio show will have everything you love about sexual emily and more because every day I'll be interviewing guests sharing the latest news and my favorite part taking your calls live on the air two hours every weekday if you're Sirius X._M.. Subscriber you already know how great it is. If you never tried it get a free trial for thirty days just go to sex with emily dot com slash s x m. That's sex with only dot in years so there's a part of me that's like come on emily really are we really doing this but but i- objective input to an extent active input i think something my boyfriend mark his name i'll say it uses uses named mark he'll be like like like what are you trying to prove to people like like look seems like you're trying to prove something or he'll say that about other people it's like yeah they're really really trying to prove something to somebody like when somebody comes in just being like like oh with the presence that feels very much for other people and not for themselves offs like i'm trying to convince the external world that i am valid and worthy because i don't feel that way inside and he had said that to me for so long and it was only recently that i was just like oh my god like the key is not trying to like prove anything to anybody else other than myself like if it's if i feel good about me and what i'm doing wing than who cares xactly you get there feels like you're doing such good work yeah but i think that everybody has a struggle with both confidence unsolved steam it's true it's really true but i think well first of all just admitting that you brought that your challenge around it knowing that we all do and it is it is totally realistic an even for men to how did they get their confidence up is it a rewiring from childhood is a lot of it because something happened and we didn't feel great and how'd you continually much about socialization and and you know how are you socialized and what lessons did you pick up at a very very early age that don't serve you anymore realizing checking going okay pay that something that i heard from my family or my religious affiliation and now oh yeah maybe that's not so true to me anymore and you get to decide at every age age take to take a look at every time in your life when you're like where is this we can just learn to do it on our own a great partner or sounds like your boyfriend's crazy is here no he's not he's back in michigan so i wanna ask you something everyone asks me i know you've been friends with them for a while <hes> but truly do you feel like there was a certain expectation when you you guys were having sex finally woes always got the sex toys and the thing definitely won't relative relative to other relationships ships definitely not because it was just built up on like common interests and an emotional bond like for me see the biggest moment was talking about the issues i had emotionally and then being here's a book i'm reading about it and then he went out and got the book and read it himself off i didn't ask him so it's like that type of stuff that i got i got hot for me to a guy who's going to get into my stuff with me and he's therapy and he wants to do the work is is really hot and then also making sure it doesn't go into the geico dependence side of it about lines it's very tricky line but i think in some ways we are through there's a healthy codependence and then there's unhealthy and that's always align and as long as you know what it is to keep checking in with it because i've been down that road to i feel like i've always been going through stuff which has made me who i am but then having aren't just like living for my stuff but they're helping me through it in a way that's healthy is a whole thing but i'm glad that you're you're with it seems like you do seem a little calmer calmer but more confidence i wanted to say or just different it's weird to not to be a sexually monogamous monogamous as i have been for this long that is now you are actually monogamous it's like there is we're monogamous but you know for all intents and purposes like i'm learning so much more about myself through being essentially monogamous than i have ever learned before there's so many things to coming up for me would you 'cause i always say that you do your best work i think in relationships for sure so what kind of things round sex they have you learned last year eh that sex was a hundred percent of trauma distraction tool and i'll while i enjoyed a lot of the sex i had it's it's so much easier to not think about your uncomfortable feelings about x y and z one year like knee deep in a sensory experience and like feeling infatuated with a new person and like all those intense feelings that come with a new hookup a new endeavor for and like it is really dehumanizing for the people that i was having sex with i feel like i probably passed up a lot of amazing humans 'cause i was just trying to you again focus on the external factors what did they do what's their dick leg how do they talk to me like who were they friends with and like i i don't think i was that exaggerate or saying well we could all vamp exactly it's like who cares i here's how somebody dresses how or what you right i mean clearly you wanna get along with somebody but you saying that now the sexual boyfriend is more intimates were more i'm like it did i ever have intimate second like was it all just like an experience it just yeah look yourself away from it but without the emotion because you could have access took that point but through the work you've been doing and then having this wonderful man coming here trying to have sex like a porn star and not which is cool but definitely trying to be like i've i've got tricks right exactly sort of like let's have our hearts bond but not sexy but actually i get in depth to me i crave save that but i don't think i always did but what about porn and sex having sex like i fucking find it so fascinating because i feel like and this is where the difference i've seen even in the last year and i don't i feel like there are it's bill but that porn and i'm always i'm calling port use it moderation if it's for the right things and not for like that you wanna meet people leave your house now you can no longer get an erection because of all the points but i do feel like it is becoming more and more of a problem especially for people who grew up with it they just feel like it's made because my friends have kids who are now in that age renting fourteen or even eighteen they they don't want to leave the house house they want to meet anybody else there's just they're just or my friends were having sex with women are mandalit others acting like it's important or they're choking without consent like all these things it's i don't know what i feel like there's a kind of a crisis around at right now we've to unlearn all this i don't know what to do about what you're doing education i'm doing education asian but do you see that it's more so lately if you felt that yeah it's weird to to hear like literally n._p._r. addressing it but not having any sex educators is there to shed some light on how we can handle it because they're just like here's the problem and and hate when they do that but i think c._n._n. thing about sex like here's all the problems with sex in the solution if we were just able to talk about sex education if if parents felt like they had the tools to be like here's some age appropriate ways i can check in with my kid if they have encountered porn or how how i can ask them if they've seen anything they need to talk about <hes> or get you know just get them the resources that are age appropriate that we need to do because if you're going to see it so the solution is not removing devices or for putting protection as far what i'm renault that doesn't work yeah have a conversation about it no parent wants to do that because we live in a society that like the the parent is so uncomfortable with sex they're not going to be able to help their child out at all i mean we're gonna educate a few parents perhaps perhaps can navigate it without any education but that's like i don't blame parents for not knowing how to handle it but also like the resources are out there and nobody's talking about but one of the best res- you think for parents right now that you think exist i think just being aware of the reality of it i don't an anon- non fearmongering way it's hard because it's like we are at this point where we understand it's problem and we don't have like a universal accessible civil way to talk never to be educated about it i'm hoping that there are some books parenting books written about it i'm sure i brought on it yeah no working on it but i just feel like the more i mean in some there because i want to talk to you about some toys hear them talking about i just think if parents admit that this is weird for me i know ever talk to be about and i don't even really talk to you about a son daughter but i want to keep it open this is not a one time conversation if you see anything that's uncomfortable let me know or let me show you the scene i just saw on this t._v. show that's kind of reminding telling them stories about it or shining examples or there's an article in the paper about something like oh this reminds me of using that as a teachable moment 'cause are everywhere sex sexual ads everywhere i mean truly the media is like pumped up with saxon then we're like but sex in this other format is a a completely different story and like obviously it's different but i mean without being an educator who specifically knows how to talk to kids i would just be like like look at this crazy billboard like isn't it like i'd be like what do you think about that exactly like have them there's ways you you can prompt kids without being their friend and a k tell me if you had a blow job so not being like addicting or something i saw the other day they were talking about how it was like a scene in a t._v. show in the mom said she was watching with her teenage daughter ted so did you see how these this person's treating the young woman here the high school relationship that doesn't look like it's very healthy like how would you feel of a boy treated you like that 'cause there's and then usually like you're already watching the show instead of being like don't watch it or pretending that scene isn't happening so i thought that was just a really good advice to parents a look around do everyday for examples of just being silent about about it is not like i think people are afraid of saying it and like sure you can say the wrong thing but if you're like doing your research even if it's just like reading a few articles roles like that is so much more than most people have to go off of like i think just addressing it and trying to be transparent as the best you can do or just being like hey i know this is the thing i'm not really sure like how to talk to you about this but if you ever need to talk about it like that is nothing because they might be like a man but they had sex and that's why we're here like that's not make it this shameful thing okay let's go back to an me for a second which is the adult novelty show that we're going to so my experience it's been like i'm on the press item coming but you are going to buy great products for spectrum boutique which is your boutique so how how do you like so much they're or like what do you look for or do they prep you ahead of time look for this thing look for that i was just at the expos retreat in miami so i feel like it primed me well for going to an me this year because i'm gonna give me some shortcuts i'm really excited about finding being more niche things because i'm like a lot of writers that got a lot of dildos i definitely want to get more stroker's and sleeves that aren't like me new york silicone from toxic sex rare materials or like i'm really excited about like chastity like caucasian kakai have any thoughts about caucus please go ver let's explain it the whole is assoc- biak's is a company that carries a really lee high quality caught cage so high quality that people are constantly ripping it off and selling it inexpensively on amazon c. b. x. yet definitely do not buy on amazon when it comes to caucasians you'll oh by something that can like scar european literally public service announcements but great okay c._b._s. just got new owners <hes> the previous owners passed away and they did a lot of research when they were like taking over the cage company they didn't really know much about it and they were like apparently apparently most people who are intercut cages i mean there's certainly some kinks tres who are but there's a lot of like heterosexual sis men dan who are vanilla it's like just like my loving manage that like their partner has the cassidy and so much of it has i mean to us we might stole define it as kink but i guess i call them vanilla in the sense that these aren't people who are engaging and other aspects of kink at this is it it <hes> cage like one it's a blind i'm just putting my cock and cage don i so much of what i have to go off as anecdotal total yeah i don't know you tell me there's a lot of people who again mostly heterosexual vanilla couples or like my wife has has never had an orgasm and i'm putting my dick in a cage because in solidarity that's the thing i hear a lot i also hear i mouse on a cage aged then you could provide other way like sal she has an orgasm yet but i just feel like you put your cock age yeah there's like i stopped the solution russian but it's like part of the play the power to miss e in a different way i think for these people is also just like we it isn't a replacement placement for sex but it's as exciting as perhaps mentally <hes> another thing is i've cheated on my wife and now to get you know on the same footing again i'm putting my dick in a cage is another thing i hear a lot which i'm like hey you know if that is something you have negotiated that is great <hes> but then of course there's like the kinky side of it as well i think it's so hard with anything sex researchy to get like an overall overall it's good to let people know that option i don't think we've they're like oh yeah i didn't know it was a cage that could be fetish that figure out how to make by you know my fantasy is almost like sensory deprivation and like the orgasm denial thing can be very hot outside of all those other are things as well sometimes it's like just not having access to your deck and then how highly sensitive it feels when it comes out of that data could see that is totally get yeah or just like this feels naughty this feels taboo i have one had one partner who tried it out with me and like we had a fun time it wasn't doesn't like our bread and butter or anything but we went out one night and he was wearing his dick and occasion it was like definitely way more exciting for him than it was like i was into it but i it was also just like for him t- like what's for dinner is exciting so what about you have a video of balls tells you could attach to dildos vibrators way oh yes like i've never seen you'll the balls it's by the same company that makes the eh one or no no <hes> new your collective <hes> stroke over and packer same company so the love bump is like silicone balls it's like a cochrane i want them they the show i g laboring you alone okay yeah you can make any dildo have <unk> balls wrist and people like the slapping since like the weight of balls hitting your body and usually when balls are like doc molded into the same thing as the dildo they don't have as much mobility to slap around and you know like truck nuts makes so much sense i was uh-huh oh my god i got asked about that and then also okay dildos the bespoke dildos term be dispose emission is for a very particular user which i think is so funny right because anything could be i know like my friend events wine gets called literally bespoke wines right so i think i specifically you're probably looking at the what i've been calling the va jill gildo veggie lazing there from germany and they're basically some of them are literal life castings as of actual produce and some are like more like cartoony interpretations of produce but they're all silicone like a heat sensitive so they change color <music> i personally like the asparagus dildo though best i also like the big corn dildo because you can't dildos or something we don't often like i've tried a ton dildos i well i think we probably talk size queen and one queen so i'm just kind of alexa let's see how this goes <hes> and like i'll use the slimmer shapes as well just to get a feel for holiday you're gonna shop you gotta try them all honestly our best selling dildo is a very particular dildo called the polkadot joe let okay j. o. e. t. and it is is a dildo that is based off of a internal casting of the vaginal canal so it's essentially supposed has to fill up every nook and cranny kind of like where the pubic bone hits it is a little bit thinner and then it kind of bulges out beyond their i mean if you search polkadot joliet j. o. l. l. e. t. No no I don't think I can say is full job that he he he's like material special okay so it's like definitely like high quality silicone but people are always like how did they get the mold of the vagina and like he has explained it to me so many times that essentially it's like soft mold that can like harden without harming the vaginal cow and he took cast and made a dildo out of the sheep that he got and fucking all okay I love did not know that I found out about this specific Dodo through uh hey peprah the sex toy a reviewer who was one of my very first sex toy blogs. I stumbled upon you know six or seven years ago when I got into this industry but I was like. Why does anybody carry this thing? I want to see what the fun you can really go. Pick some things that are really unique that people don't find hokey spoke baseball does okay. We're at harnesses. I feel like what I was saying. Things have been changing this year asking about pegging. It's always been a thing but what I love is at the last few two years has been more men on their own like users just saying like I'm interested and women on board too and they're like delete couples. What do we do where we go for? Pegging select a harness isn't like it used to be one or the other the other together. I have does share. I think it was the educator Carly ass comes up on twitter users Carlos US but <hes> dill do have to remember her blog name. I'll send it to you later but I think she had this tweet. That was like it's cute that straight people need a special term for strap on sex like if you need a special term job on to make it vehicle pegging need begging Peggy Peggy. His Joe is strap on sex but it's like this special term JAP I know but I still use the term pegging money that there is a special term for straight people who wanted to buy it is the same bugging so strap. Thanks yeah I mean. I don't think there's anything aerobic begging his B._M._i.. Like my serious show people like my friends in Michigan Ins even in San Francisco like they're listening West pegging every time I'm like yeah well. I wrote an article about pegging years ago and to this day I'm like listen. I mean tagged but like anything in my wheelhouse. But what do you like. Let's talk about distress alert things things you know there are I've never I've never strapped on John it done. I've had a handful of pegging and strap on sex experiences. Iran says <hes> again not my bread and butter though like honestly I would have a lot more strap on sex than I'm currently having thing it's kind of just like has to be with the right person and I think for me. It's like I generally wanna be the wearer but it also brings up a lot of weird trauma feelings for me but like in a way that I really enjoy the growth of feeling connected to sexuality through a harness and Silicone Dick Essentially but I really really love it but it puts me into such a vulnerable heads face that I have to be really lake careful with it because of the sizing trauma Emma which can work but also talking about like it's like I think also is weird for me is how some people think that strap on sex as a fetish or kink and I think that's also a really straight eight persons view as well yeah. I'd only see where we all have so many hold like even more intimate in in some ways and like less king oriented than just about any other kind of sex because it's like I'm paying a lot of attention to what's going on in my body and the receivers body Eh yeah I need to be the recipient of strap on sex still so putting a call out in the strapper honours were saying that you didn't get a lot of pleasure from the cage would about being what about the strap on part is giving you pleasure <hes> dominance or the senior partner Eyder. I'm such like I'm totally a bottom even when I'm wearing a deck <music> but I think for me it's like just truly looking at my not looking at it's like feeling my body and a whole new way it is not for me aesthetically about wearing the harness an adult. Oh it's more about like feeling connected did to a new extension of myself just like when I'm using a vibrator. It's not like it's like it feels like it becomes a part of me just like when I'm wearing clothes. It's like this is me <hes> you know. It's something that is attached to my arm. Now you know <hes> but I guess in just a more like to take a step back about in general has like I'm not really a person who has like all the strap on sex you know even just I actually just thinking about what yeah with the ones you like like even products wiser what I personally recommend the jock buy spare parts which is just a classic machine washable limit. I think that leather is great aesthetically and Vegan leather <hes> it's can be just as comfortable but it's not you can't disinfect it <hes> their cell important yeah I mean and you can't technically I guess the correct word sanitize or just clean because nothing can be fully in fact. Nothing in this world is sterile but I think that it's better to get a cloth harness. If you're just starting out because then you you know especially if you don't have a committed partner that you're looking to have shop on socks with then you definitely want something you can wash but weather is great for so many other reasons definitely creates different silhouettes <hes> the the harnesses by Azlan are kind of like the Azlan Jaguar is probably one of the most popular leather harnesses but I also like the cloth ones because he can slip bullets summa. I like the bullets because going forward and then if you're if you're the giver you can also have a little bit of vibrational something for yourself so there's fun for the whole family. When it comes to double ended dildos a lot of people assume that they're supposed to be hands free things that you can just like yeah like especially the l-shaped double dildos not the like linear linear straight line? Ones people are like Oh. The packaging says that my cable muscles are supposed to hold out on side of my body. It's like no you really need to use them with a harness. So if you've tried to Hughes the l-shaped double ended Dildos and you're like this thing sucks. Try it out with a harness. It's much better than not here. Everybody but I'm really angry are you but the way these things are marketed makes people think like oh my so much of the market I think great that's why they need you. They need people like us know how to do wit. I'm so let's okay so tell me real quick. This is very helpful so your new podcast hot brain. What are we going to find on their people their learning all sex but a lot of sacks ashen and just what real life I like what I like about her relationship with mark again is that he he has now I've given him the name Muggle mark meaning like he's like outside of the wizard in world sexuality? He hates it. He's like don't call me mogul mark. I've made it stick a Harry Potter uh-huh and like I'm not a potter head but I I still appreciate Harry Potter but I think the word muggle is so perfect for like people outside out of the world's but he is such an enthusiast about sex. He is like a huge cheerleader for all things sexuality even before he met me so he's really with the program and if you're not a sex educator you're not gonNa know all the right terminology necessarily so what I love. Is that like sometimes I'm correcting him but it's not like in a shame amy way. I think that people need it model. I need people need communication modeled and like by no means. Do we have this shit figure it out but I think that we've got a really we've got good chemistry <hes> just as friends and then lovers and people who cohabitate now <hes> we're really attached at the hip and so many ways and I think it's a really safe way for me to also be more candid and my sex education. I think that a podcast as you might be aware is so much easier than writing sometimes because people can hear your tone of voice and people aren't like what do you mean by that. It's like you can speak a little bit more freely. <hes> and it's not that word choices an important but I do feel like I'm able to speak to some more like abstract concepts in a podcast right absolutely yes yes asking questions yes have playful and then it's also really important. I think that mark is such a great example of how you can really be a sensitive person Um and be masculine. Masculinity and sensitivity aren't two different things we need more of that yeah and like I have a pretty big according to Google analytics at least hist mostly female audience but I think that it's been really great to get questions coming from guys who are like you know questions and then I love hearing mark address things things from his point of view and again like sometimes I just Ab- so in my world of sex education that I'm like leaving too many things swimming around. I need need you to bring me back. What it's like outside of talking all the time yeah exactly we would all the time but we're doing between the work the important more and I think it's just like so it's about mass for you you the whole connected? I love it so it's not so much more than sex. Though I think that I mean he is a political political science background so he teaches me a lot about kind of like community ways that communities can be more cohesive because I think that I don't know I struggle a lot with feeling like I'm alone wolf who floats around from friend groups or it's like. I've got a lot of friend groups but I'm like. I don't WanNa like like I got a pop around everywhere. I'm afraid of people getting to know the truly <hes> sometimes broken feeling Gerson inside of me. He and I don't think I am broken so much vulnerable shit inside of me that I'm I think that I have unconsciously Kinda bounced around from in people to people not like burning bridges but it's hard for me to just like fully be like okay. You Really WanNa know the landscape of my brain. It is difficult. Oh you know another thing that connects me with Mark Ladas that we both had O._C._D.. As younger children <hes> and we both have anxiety today but a lot of that was is just like recently. I've been learning how my O._C._D.. Is Still Very present and adult hood just in different ways <hes> and for me. A lot of that is feeling like I I must confess things. That aren't really like things. I need to disclose to people not in Lincoln inappropriate way but like like just making sure it's okay that I did the like it needing validation but also just like just WanNa make sure that you know I did this and that it doesn't like mess up anything that you were trying to do or is it okay that I was thinking this thing because I really thought that O._C._D.. Part that's no CD. I met a lot of different ways. Rise of manifesting like right wording is technically in the D._S._M.. Tom Along with O._C._D.. Vice I I had a hoarding garage where I was. I have a lot of organizers. My garage was packed. You couldn't didn't walk in a bunch of different or like literally Organiz like a might organiser organizers and that's all it was it was crazy. Well it is hard. I mean I definitely know how intense the emotional attachment top physical objects can be fool Ne- and like my basement it is kind of organized but there's like the box of things that have such strong emotion like. I don't care if they need to be thrown away or donate or whatever I'm just like. I can't address that yet and I think that <hes> O._C._D.. Anxiety depression are all things that can sometimes manifest as a result of trauma as like coping mechanisms so he's had that too so so advice could sort help because he gets it. Yeah it has not like I need to explain the way I'm sorry here's why did it or no. I totally get it. I I mean I think I've just been really distant from that like part of my reality scared it looks. Are they going to judge me. Are they going to law and also CDs the kind of thing the I'm GonNa most Solo CD and I'm like that's. I'm not personally offended when people say that but I'm just like no it's it's really a unique situation. Mentally that that you're fully aware of how ridiculous your thoughts and rituals are but you're still just so stuck in it and I think trauma in general can feel that way to like you know that there is a block and you can't overcome at you. Just don't know why I mean so much of mental was that what helped you the most would you say with all these things therapy for sure exercise but not like like exercise that can feel meditative so like going on hikes Charlie Helpful meditational though I love that meditations the kind of thing that I was like I don't know it seems like a really lofty he goal you know it seems so impossible meditation and then I realized like Oh just like trying and having your thoughts clear for like two seconds sounds can be meditation minute. That's what gave me permission to. It was like when they were like I've done a lot over the years. They're like Oh. It could just be a minute. I'm like I got that and eventually do and you WANNA do more. Another important thing that I literally was reminded of in my last therapy session last week is that medication is not supposed to make it it all go away and just makes it more manageable and I'm like on a medication that I'm not having any allergic reaction to my last one. I did no side effects but I was like why am I still having these like emotional breakdowns and my therapist was like you had a really triggering week like by the medication isn't GonNa make your triggers just advantage now going to be triggered by it just allows you to have some some <hes> stability to move onto other things because before the US in the same loop yeah so Kinda like lousy issued another perspective but still there but then there's more accessible to you to actually start to make some other changes exactly I get it to a good work mark. Thanks for being here. Check out. I love seeing you and then I'm going to get to see you all week of the show. I have to ask you some. Would you rathers lesson commute here. We did ask you ready all right all right. Would you rather have kinky sex or romantic sex. Oh that is such Asia. Oh you got me there earl. I think overall romantic sex at present can like in this segment moments overall romantic. Would you rather see with your best friends parent or your parents best friend. My face is shocked right now. My parents best friend or my best friend's parents. I guess best friends parent just to get as far away from my family as possible. Aw sorry any friend that yeah like I'm like I would be so okay. Let's see here. Listen to me though I'm like getting all judgy but like I'm like I know so many people who have done that and like it's such a thing and like like who am I is transparent or their best friend yeah yeah yeah. I like the time I've heard these a judge who can say judge. Isn't this just taking it so seriously. I know it's good though would you rather make a lot of noises during sex or really loud noise during orgasm a lot of really loud noises during sat. Okay stay consistent. Would you rather fart uncontrollably when you come or cry inconsolably. Oh I mean I I've done. Both I think gay Christ I fart so much too. Damn I guess farting because it's like so much of a release that it's like if you have any gas bubbles in your rectum they will come out awesome awesome congrats on your podcast. Hot Brain can try and find you at Thong area yeah yeah the has a link to just about everything spectrum boutique dot com the shop and if you ever have questions about sex products we have a team of people who will answer all your the sex questions in the shop spectrum Boutique G._M.. All right and this'll be on the show as well. Thank you zoey forbidding by our guys hope you enjoyed the show. Remember members like the show share it with a friend. Please subscribe wherever you listen to the podcast writer review we released three week and you never wanNA miss show. Do you and I love hearing from you so thanks to my amazing team can Kristen Michelle producer Jamie and Michael. Thanks to all of you. Hey was a good for you email me feedback at sexual. EMILY DOT COM so if you've been listening to the show it should be no surprise to you that women typically lasts longer to orgasm orgasm than men this. My friends is called the orgasm gap and now there's something you can do about it. It's called present and trust me. This stuff really works. Permit Crescent is an over the counter topical treatment that Enhances Men's ability to last longer no pills no prescriptions and no questionable claims develop by urologists present. Isn't your typical delays spray. It's absorbed into the skin instead of staying on the

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