Jocelyn K. Glei: Letting Go Isnt Easy
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If you're dedicated listener you'll perhaps already noted that I just changed the way I describe the show most notably removing the word productivity from the tagline line at the top and this season actually opens with a bit of confession. But how I'm changing about how the show is changing. And why I've always been a strong believer in pulling back the curtain to show the inner workings of how stuff gets made because personally I always find it deeply comforting to know the people who are making cool stuff that dig or screwing things up a wrestling with demons and doubting themselves so today. I'm starting this new new season with a bit of a back story on how I got here in hopes that sharing my weird imperfect idiosyncratic journey will be of some help to you on yours. Now if you read my newsletter you'll know that as of the end of last season the future of this podcast was unclear. I knew I didn't want to continue talking about the same topics in the same way but I wasn't sure what the way forward was numerous conversations last season including those with Debbie Millman Rob Walker and Jenny Odell touched on the relatively new phenomenon of the personal brand. This idea that we have to create a stable persona that stands for certain things in this world fueled by personal websites freelancers looking to stand out and social media NIA personas looking to build a following and once that persona is created our primary job is to feed and maintain it and much of the talk in these conversations. I just mentioned was about how constraining even deadening this phenomenon. Is this idea that we somehow have to maintain our personal brand hand so it seemed ironic that by the end of season. Two of hurry slowly. I was finding myself in the position of having created a personal brand. That now felt constraining. I didn't continue doing the same things for another season. And it felt sad to abandon something that I've worked so hard to create but I also wasn't sure if the podcast could morph and change and expand to encompass something new. I wasn't even sure what that something new would be. But after about four or five months of reflection I've decided that there is more room for expansion but before we tell you about that. I have to rewind and give you some context. This podcast originally arose from and has since carried me through a very transformative period in my life. One that is still unfolding as as we speak. If your regular listener you may recall me talking about a rather dramatic accident. I had in July of twenty seventeen just as I was pulling the first episodes sewed of this podcast together. I was attending a music. Show my friends gallery space and after taking a small hit off of a vaporizer that yes contain gene marijuana. I felt suddenly lightheaded and I passed out unfortunately chose a very bad location to pass out and ended up splitting open my Chin and rearranging quite a few of my teeth. I look perfectly fine now but it took many stitches a lot of visits to an oral surgeon and three root canals to get everything anything fixed up. This was the beginning of my midlife crisis now. I'm sure you've heard the term midlife crisis before but what you may or may not know. Oh is that it refers to a very specific astrological moment which happens for about two to three years to everyone in their early forties side note. I'm really into astrology. Part of my season three brief is to stop hiding these aspects of myself but more on that in a moment so anyway because I'm into astrology legit. I knew that my midlife crisis on the horizon and I was actually looking forward to it. There were a lot of things I felt. I wanted to change in my life and this once in a lifetime time to to three year window seemed like the time to do it. We usually think of the word crisis is being negative and it certainly can be but it's usually also so the prelude to arriving at a major turning point and unfortunately you don't get to that turning point without the crisis so here. I was excited for my midlife crisis and picturing it as this sort of portal two dramatic transformation that I would get to step into for two or three years and I knew that it was supposed to begin in July two thousand seventeen and then one week into July. I had this dramatic accident where I fell on my face since then the running joke with my brother her has become that I tripped on my way into the portal. So now I've been walking through this portal for a little over two years and making some fairly major changes in my life. And if you've been listening to this podcast for awhile you've heard some my reflections along the way and I should add here that I've really appreciated your support when I wrote about the the future of this podcast being uncertain many of you took it upon yourselves to write me very kind and thoughtful notes of support though thank you. It's such a comfort to know that someone honest listening out there but anyway the funny thing about change and actively pursuing it which. I'm sure you know already. Is that it never unfolds quite like you think it. Will you get on the roller coaster ride by which I mean. You quit your job or you go through a break-up or maybe just go on an extended meditation retreat and you think you know how things are going to turn out but at some point the roller coaster zooms around a band and goes into a dark tunnel and all of the sudden things start to turn turn out a little different than you expected not necessarily in a bad way just different. I've always been an incredibly achievement oriented ED person so it might not be surprising to learn that. I thought that my roller coaster ride through this little portable of transformation would result in me being able to accomplish something something. Something I had felt had been putting off for a good twenty years now when I was in college. I didn't MFA screenwriting program. And ever since I've had a vision Asian of an alternate universe where I'm writing scripts and making movies and I've written scripts since then and I've made an untold amount of notes for ideas and possible scripts ups when I originally wrote the first draft of this episode. I was sitting at my desk with a huge stack of mole. Skin journals behind me which contain these notes. They stretch all the way back to college college. I also have a close friend who directs films and we've literally been trying to make something together for almost ten years and a few months ago. I thought that moment had and finally arrived. I had finished creating and launching my new online course reset. I was taking a summer break from this podcast and I had planned a nineteen eighteen day retreat for myself where I wouldn't be on email the internet or anything else. Nothing was standing in my way. I felt I could finally do this thing. I've been and telling myself I wanted to do. For twenty years. I could see the outcome on the horizon and then my rollercoaster took a sharp turn into that dark tunnel that I mentioned earlier. Ultimately we go on journeys and make these big bold life changes. I think because we WANNA find. Find some kind of clarity. Maybe even a sense of wholeness. I think I started this podcast in some sense to find clarity around what makes a good life. And its technology technology addled speed obsessed world that we live in. I quit drinking my forty second birthday to find clarity and I went on this. Nineteen David treat by myself off to find clarity but the interesting thing about clarity at least initially is that it's really uncomfortable when you set aside all the the distractions and entertainment. We have so close at hand whether that's an addiction. Like drinking or drugs a pension for checking your instagram feet or your email every five five minutes or just binging on Netflix every night. When you set those distractions aside and you start to see what's really going on? It's not necessarily pleasant. Isn't for me. That dark tunnel ended up being kind of lengthy Karma review followed by extremely uncomfortable series of confrontations with what Carleen calls the shadow self. It was sort of like one of those carnival rides where you go through a haunted house in every few minutes the ride jerks to a stop and something scary he POPs out except it's something scary from your past. I thought to finding clarity was about the future but it turns out it was about doing a deep excavation nation of my past so that I could let go of some things I didn't need to be carrying around anymore guilt neuroses and even creative ambitions so I ended up spending a lot of twenty nineteen on that creaky roller coaster slowly wheeling through the past being confronted with these sort of painful Karmic vignettes. Let's I'd be sailing through life. And all of the sudden the ride would screech to a stop an outward pop this realization of how cruel it been past relationship. How many false is promises I'd made broken someone's heart and I would sit and stew in that for a while reflecting on how I could be in relationships in a more conscious way? Hey the future and what even wanted out of a relationship in the first place and what does it mean to be a loving person and then after a certain amount of somewhat agonizing processing the ride would move on and I go back to my life until it jerked to a stop again with some horrible new vignette this time about all of the occasions when I had been a bully or done something deliberately to make someone uncomfortable or the next time as I had to confront some serious health. Both problems related to my throat and my voice. No big deal just a core part of my work identity as of course. That's how you and I are communicating right now. Well then I decided to move to the woods upstate and that opened up a whole other can of worms anyway. You get the gist. All of these. He's unconscious fears in a row sees just kept bubbling up to the surface for examination stuff that I wasn't conscious of the past so they just played out his actions that I took Hook but didn't fully understand as young says of the shadow that which we do not bring to. Consciousness appears in our lives as fate. And I'm finding this new clarity and consciousness seeking turned out to be a lot more uncomfortable than I had imagined at least initially sort of like when your foot falls asleep and you try to wake it up eventually. You have a full range of motion again but that initial awakening involves a kind kind of strange tinguely pain but once I emerged from that dark tunnel of Karmic review. Something interesting happened. And you'll remember as I headed out my nineteen day retreat. I thought it was going to write a screenplay. I thought I was going to do this thing that I had been wanting to do for twenty years while surprise I did not do it because I realize this desire to do this other thing to write the screenplay had been making me feel bad about myself for twenty years that I was using this creative ambition for the future as a tool to make me feel dissatisfied with whatever I was was actually doing. Forget about this book I rode or that course I made or this podcast. I created. I would only feel fully realized realized when I finally did this other thing over there in the future when I wrote that screenplay in the minute that I realized that that I have been using using this creative ambition to write the screenplay is some kind of horrible cattle prod that constantly made me feel guilty. I was able to let go because I didn't want to continue to actively create a situation. Where would ever I was doing right now would always feel less than what's more I realized that that script I had been making notes on for years and years wasn't even in line with my values anymore because so much changed while the plot construct was really clever in a way the ultimate goal is to pull the rug out from underneath the viewer in the end in a way that would create a feeling ling of hopelessness and mistrust? In other words it was very anti healing and I don't really want to spend years years and years laboring to create a piece of art that makes people feel bad. We've got enough things on hand to give us anxiety now the describing this might make make it sound easy like it was no big deal to give up this creative ambition. I had for twenty years. But that's certainly not the case. It was incredibly difficult and I played all those mental bargain games that I'm sure you're familiar with where you're like if I stop wanting this thing or if I really let go of this thing then once I do that that means I get to have it. Right letting go isn't easy as Christine Downing writes in her wonderful book the goddess the truth that will give us back a lost part of ourselves is also the one that takes away a south to which we have been deeply attached. Now there might also be another group of you listening who just thinks. This sounds a little bit sat this idea of letting go of a big big long standing artistic ambition but let me tell you. It was such a huge relief more like taking off a hair shirt. Then leading a dream die because the thing is I realized how much I had changed over the twenty years during which I was continuing to cling to this old ambition ambition and that in the interim I had developed skills and talents and interests that I had never anticipated and as a result my work in this world in the way that I could best serve was also different than I had anticipated disappointing but in a way that was exhilarating. If there's one core question of this podcast it is probably what is enough. And I don't just mean in terms of productivity. I mean it in every sense what is enough personally and creatively and spiritually because is when we recognize what is enough and let go of the rest like of all of those ambitions for more than and only then can we expand for the first time in my life. I decided to let the thing. I'm working on right now. Be Enough and unexpectedly. That's what's going to allow the purview of the show and my personal brand such as it is to expand for season three. I've decided as one of my mentors likes to say to finally come out of the spiritual closet by which I mean some of my more four out their interests like energy healing and psychedelics and astrology which have previously been tucked away. Backstage will be coming into play this season as I said earlier. This show has always been about something bigger than just productivity for me. It's about making sense of how to navigate work work and life and relationships in a meaningful way amidst the backdrop of a world that's filled with uncertainty and that's obsessed with officiency and speed and we're technology is constantly changing the game in terms of what's expected us. It's a lot to deal with so this season. Avi Diving into a series of themes that feel particularly urgent to me as we go hurtling into this unknown future themes like self image transformation intuition boundaries and affects how we think about ourselves elves how we make positive change how we tap into our creative wisdom how we protect our time and energy and what values might we use to guide us in this process. I'll be continuing with the same rhythm as last season with a new episode releasing every other week and doing a mix of short short episodes like this one with longer interviews but the whole thing will get a little bit looser freer and more expansive. I'm hoping for conversations that are more intimate and improvisational and authentic. But we'll see how it all unfolds and the coming months I'll also have some exciting announcements about some new projects putting out into the world. I'm hard at work scheming on a big new event to invite you to twenty twenty and I'm also building out a new business around my raking practice called the light heart project which will be operating out of New York City so more soon on those items in the meantime heads up that I'll be opening registration for my online course reset starting again in mid December with the four week program kicking off in early January. Sorry just in time to help you make good on all those New Year's resolutions if you're not already familiar with reset its unique online course. That will teach teach you how to work in a way. That's intentional energizing. And inspiring to learn more or be notified when registration opens. You can sign up for the newsletter just letter at Reset Hyphen course dot com. That's reset hyphen. COURSE DOT com. I'll be back again in two weeks. The the first interview of season three with a person who is very near and dear to my heart until then thanks for listening and remember to. Hurry slowly.