The Forgiveness Episode with Ashley Austin Morris
The podcast one percents let Lisa help former insult comic lethal. Atlanta is now a full fledged coach and she wants to help you whether you like it or not. Join the former queen of as she contains her journey as the Queen of careening. She'll share her life. Experiences the tool she's learned along the way and a healthy dose of humor so if you have a problem let. Lisa help and now now here's your host Lisa Lamela. Hey lucile molly the former me now. I'm just full of love and meaning or or at least that's what I tell people welcome to let Lisa help today. I will be talking with my former friend. Slash former enemy slash former friend again Ashley Austin Morris and we tell all about our tale of hatred of each other and now forgiveness and love you gotta hear this because the S. gets real and never said that on the show so I'm actually telling the truth truth. Here's my interview and actually my full on conversation not just an interview with Ashley Austin Morris. You're listening to let LISA HELP WITH LISA LAMB belly pain every money at least lab an alley. I know you're thinking she's so too good to have a podcast but I'm not this is let Lisa help the podcast that you hate to love and love to hey and everything everything in between I help people or at least pretend to and I honestly so convincing as an actress that people believe me that I care in studio today. A this is a guest that I never thought would happen not that 'cause where boats so super famous and now there's a meeting of the minds I am going to call this episode the forgiveness episode because I have your people say they have frenemies yeah well. We weren't even frenemies. We were F- am an and lawyers like there were years further. We like freaking hated each other and what's funny is I said. Wouldn't it be great to have mine. We now new friend Ashley Austin Morris on after the lawsuit screaming in my apartment in the upper west side upper east side upper every side said this is fantastic because it shows that people don't need to hold onto resentment and he chose it takes two people especially especially the person who reaches out which would you and you can get past and at least forgive and it may lead to something good light yeah friendship or your podcast experience such as this yeah so well the Austin Morris. May I call you just Ashley. That's all I never. I thought I would ever have an intro light. I know what what's Great. Is I love this. I I get to do whatever I on. This and I want to show people how this can happen that yeah what are we won't we holding on holding onto not forgiving nothing yeah yeah and I think you're onto plays in around life yeah. It's they say resentment is holding on to its drinking poison and hoping hoping the other person is not going to happen now so I think we should go into our backstory. People how our enemy ship began. It was terrific it was it's really good. It was actually a great story. I should be a one person slash two person show on I really you. We should do like a moth where we both tell the story. That's actually trade idea. That'd be great. Well might as well do it yeah. Let's them off though because ruined make any money. They always like one hundred dollars ninety. Oh Yeah it's terrible. The what had happened was the way I meant Ashley. I went to see this. Nora and Delia Ephron show I love loss and what I wore yeah now. This Ashley was fantastic terrific actress. I said I like her now. At the time Julie Halston was online minded who I love. La and we went out to dinner afterward. West Bank very very good. You have a good memory and I felt very engaged with Ashley. Now I do realize what attracted me. PEOP- to people back then a lot of the times I felt like I could mother hen them to death and help them. You know it's crazy about you're saying that is is that our wounds totally fit each other yeah because I always want to be mothered right. Bright solar comes in Lisa like a mama bear ray going. I can help people in here. Comes Broken Wings Syndrome like Oh look. I'm buried fix me like like that. Also where I was what was really funny. Is I think I met you before my weight loss surgery yeah and you were probably at one of your thinnest this points yeah. I was one of my fats points so it almost like a had the visual of look I'm going to clean house and help you little bird yeah totally and of course all this again is on an unconscious level but I think it's worth saying to people recognize why you're attracted to certain friends early because you're both trying to fix each other or get I hope and it fits for maybe the wrong reasons at the moment so we start hanging out a little bit here and there I go to see the show again. I think you're terrific and I have this idea at a right. Show I sort of a vagina monologues about food and body image so I go yeah well Ashley in my head I go. She has food and body image stuff. She is really cool and probably subconsciously. I was like I can can help because then it's going to be money earn. She wouldn't have to be struggling actors anymore. It's like that's my job. Yay firkin agent right yeah so I call you. You come come to the upper west side. Yeah demand Jimmy big balls apartment. I was married at the time and we hung out and we thought this was a terrific idea but I also remember being like how did you know I had food and body image issues as I thought I I was eighty nine pounds like I think she's Oh oh you see me like you mean. I had no idea it was literally like I was just a clavicle and address. I had I had no idea I was like right. This is so bizarre that you would. I would know anything about that. So what's funny at the time. Did you really they. Were you not aware that people could read that about you. I had no idea right and were you at an anorexic point or not actively anorexic but you were just like super thin. I think I it's funny because I don't talk openly about like food issues or whatever but I I. I know I was very sick. I was very sick but I didn't know I listen when you start to get well. You're not just well then you realize you're sick and all this in your living in two worlds where you you know you're sick but you don't know how to be well at that point. I didn't even know I was sick. Oh so then then by the time we decided hey. Let's move forward and start writing this show. Did you start to realize you're sick or no. I started to realize the severity of my sickness cygnus and they started to realize I think through I would stay up all night and like right and I think I started to see he how healing writing wise and that's when you were writing stuff to contribute to the show yeah 'cause we decided we're going to write this show. It was going to be where you'll four. Women stood stood up there with different eating issues and talk about them. I was obviously going to write about being overweight and getting weight loss surgery. You're gonNA talk about Anorexia. Slash Bulimia on we're going to have another girl who who couldn't gain weight and other girl who's a big girl happy with herself so Ashley to sending me these incredible freaking essays and I was like who the F. Rights like this like this is so good because it was so ron real. I was like this is insanely phenomenal. That's okay and then you would be like Oh. I just wrote it. It's nothing and I'm like really like it. Just felt to me really good. Did you not feel like it had value at the time you know it's funny because I always wanted to. Maybe a writer I love writing but I always fell stupid. I mean I moved a lot as a kid. I never had an education. It was like if you went to a poor for school. It wasn't like Oh. Let's have special teachers. He was like make that kid sit in the hall and like Hang Hang. Out with the janitor until the class was over like I never I never learned and how to spell it. Remember you know you saw Ridicu- now that we're friends again like your grammar and spelling. It's the worst it's the worst and so I always felt stupid so it's it's like I. I can't just like email publisher something like that and like get work done because I can't. I have no grammar spelling so that really always stunted me so then and when you said you know it. Was it like even right now. It really touches my soul. It makes it makes me feel so good. You know because it's something I desperately. I really want it but I thought I could never but was hilarious about. It is the spelling punctuation. All that crap is so freaking easy to get somebody to fix what you people don't right right like you're right. That sounds like it's so different and unique and I'm like wow okay so you'd write me these things that were super jarring and great and deep and so at at that point is when you say you started to figure out oh. I'm having a bad problem here. Well I think I you know I had been to rehab instead at outpatient outpatient. Rehab until I knew that I had a pro and I think that was actually 'cause you know you brought up this idea and then I went to La for yes it and what we didn't start this right away. There was some there was some time in there so I think like when we first talked about it. I definitely didn't know other people could see I was sick and I kinda just was too out of it. You know myself you know happened so quickly. When you get really sick it happens too quickly for you to like understand what's happening and so then. I think I tried to go to lake some outpatient things and then that didn't work and as I was writing it was so healing healing and I think it was also just to be able to be honest with somebody and just like we would laugh about like we would laugh about this stuff and and for me that made I it took so much shame out it was like every time I would press send or you would read something or we would laugh about something. A layer of shame would get removed and then there would there could be space to start healing well and that was the hope with the show is that people would see it not feel the shame would be taken out go if she struggling with that and Lisa struggling with that other girls those struggles then there's no shame in nobody's alone anymore. I absolutely and I remember yet. We'd laugh so hard hard. I I think I said you won't point. If I eat something and nobody sees it. Does it really count like he would laugh at anything that goes using coffee doesn't count any and coffee mate that powder stuff and then I just I would travel with my coffee. May Remember that Almond Milk creamer that I will challenge challenge yeah you would have it for me or is also we were obsessed with Gum anorexic behaviors chewing gum holiday long and the thing is I was. I've never anorexic. Thank God because I think that's a far harder struggle and I but I you oh yeah I just because you could die and big people they can die. AL would take longer yea so I get that. They're both terrible but I always go. Oh my God like drinking is harder to quit than food. Oh I think I think foods harder within drinking. Isn't it interesting like maybe we all just downplay are are issued alcohol. You you just you can never touch it again right but food. GotTa take the tiger out like three times as head or whatever yeah drying up forty seven then. It really helps to keep your mouth acting. I WanNa you know what the weird thing is. We chewed so much. I now order cotton candy flavored sugarless Mentos Gum by the case every month that was on subscribing safe the bit so bad that I couldn't chew gum for three days. I had more feelings coming up. Because of course I'm not using my drug which is interesting happen if some through income. Nobody needs you like that yeah yeah. Sometimes I go. I actually can't have love these feelings. Come up like sometimes I really go like if I can't go beyond a mountain alone and like scream at things they are then I can't you need to give me gum or whatever else I'm well. Sometimes we need a little help and the you know what if your worst thing right now is gum. That's okay. I always think like blow that can't allow when the fires done you know like I put the fire out before we'll be. That's the whole thing that's why I got the weight. Loss surgery was like Okay Rita that start from square one. I get the emotion on track but I could not like myself with the way non and you know so. Many people get the surgery and don't do the emotional working day and any judgment whatsoever at all. I've nothing but empathy and sympathy for anyone. That feels the need to do that but if you don't you did you the emotional worker else you wouldn't have continued you too can keep the weight off. It's just it's really like the only thing that makes me. Keep it off. We're GONNA every day like you know. It doesn't stop and that's what led US okay so okay so here we are. We're writing this play. We're having a blast avin meetings with some producers some we don't like somewhere yet as who make wants want him how to raise the money ourselves and crazy stuff so it's fine and so of course in my need to fix you and in your or need to rebel against mom we start having arguments so I get that and I get that it was half my fault because I literally it'd be like why are you going on additions. Why are you going dishes like you've been auditioning for all this time and this is the key to your future like it's like saying to a child which you weren't go to college. Go to college go to college while it's none of my F- in business but then part of me is like it is my business because it's my platoon. I want you to be devoted to it. So I start getting all angry. Agree rain now of course the way to handle that is not the way I handled it and the way for you to handle it is not the way for you to handle so I'm like Oh. My God add like I'm constantly annoyed and I can't imagine you were that happy either way. So what do you think like what was the first big unraveling and the big big fight like me just going stop concentrating on anything else. Duke Bis because I really thought this was going to be something that would be like a vagina monologues and would last forever for and legacy and you know a something. That would be an inflow money for us even if we didn't have to be in it. So what do you think happened. I think for me first of all I can't have anybody telling me to let go of my dream that has carried me through awesome dark stuff yeah so acting has helped you live a life while and I wanted to be an actress since I was four right so for for me. That's between me and God right if God says if I feel God leading need you something else that's fine but I've had other people. Try to come into my life. You've and try to go. I will now be in charge of like what you are going to dedicate your time to you and for me I go will you weren't there when that saved my soul so this was highly triggering photo because because I thought I was going to end up at dairy queen you know working at a dairy and that's a reality totally which no offence against anyone that works at a dairy queen. It's delicious and also like your triceps probably looked great because you have to make sure that you have to like lift the frosty upside down and make sure it's thick enough to knock out like so that's a lot of risks every day. It's a blizzard. It's blizzard there. You go right frosty as you can. Tell you're not an over eater and I am. Wendy's is the problem. I don't know there's been some dark night in Salt Lake some Taco Bell Yeah. Here's the thing it's like. I think you know with no knowledge of reality no-one knowledge of how to act towards people. I was just like going in my head. It's going doesn't she see I'm trying to give her a stream of income that you have to work again and and you're so I think both our intentions were totally. Just don't WanNA act yeah because you you know what did it for me. One time is that I realized like Ah 'cause. I have a big resentment against rich people. I have even though I wanna be rich. It's like well. I resent myself so there's no conflict of interest there or like but because of money I have money issues and and I need that like I desperately want to get over that right right but I don't know how so I think like at that time. It was going wait. A second like I'm auditioning any opportunity. I can get. I'm doing stand ended up any opportunity I can get. I'm writing all night long on this thing I live so far out in Brooklyn and I'm going to your apartment every single time re me and sometimes that was like in a blizzard that would be whenever and I'd be waiting tables to where I was like. You cannot tell me like this isn't fair like I don't have any way you to breathe and I don't have enough money and I don't like it was so crushing to me now because I also was asking. I wasn't showing up as like in your peer. I was expecting you to save me well and I was buy into it right but wait. I then I wanNA. Do you know that's why this apology. We've gone through in the recent past works because we both know we were wrong. How Italy so it wasn't you going. I'm going to apologize but I know early doing the wrong. Outlook took and held up as a woman my relationships. I don't show up authentic in my relationships. The way I showed up in that relationship was Lisa is above me and while I actually think it's fine to think that in many ways I had so much to learn from you as a comic as a businesswoman as like a person who's like like I think if anyone's been on the planet a day longer than you. They have something infinite to teach you so. I think there's nothing wrong with this. Person Is can be a mentor. Yes there's nothing wrong with that but there is something wrong with going almost like a subconscious manipulation of going. This woman may give me what I need like and making taking you for me what needs to be God's position and I do that a law so yeah. I remember when you said let's have immense conversation or whatever and you said that I didn't in I understood it and I was like you. Don't do anything wrong and you're like yeah. I did this yeah yeah pudding people in that position. Just me putting you in the position of the little girl to take care of 'CAUSE I. My dog wasn't enough. You know what I mean like. Oh I don't have enough people to take care of. Also I add philly empty hole by saving someone I get to then saying yeah like even if it's not out loud I say to myself you did Godly so she has income and also you bought her to dresses totally right but but that's the way I but also like I walk through the world gaping asking other humans to step step in and I don't do it with words. I don't do it on purpose but I can feel it in me that I I a I attract people that WANNA a step in and save somebody and that story like hostage end and has it ended more more now that you're you're aware of that have used absolutely no turning it is hard to recognize united and then actually turn it away because I still fall under the this needs help that one New Zealand can I do what can I do. It's like you have to have let them have their journey which socks socks now for them and for me now because I'm like I can't Save the world even life coaching and all that stuff. It's like somebody writes to me. They sound horribly desperate bread and I want to rush in and on like that's not in the plan for me right now. This particular human this is let Lisa help with Lisa Lamp. Uh now back to let Lisa help with Lisa Lampe Meli point okay so the point being like we're kind of wrestling with every day you you're going crazy with your life. I'm crazy going. Why isn't she letting me help her hurt and I think that's helping which it's not we snap your first argument and the thing is greatest. I used to give view clothes and stuff yeah so I remember that day sell well. Oh I got I gave you I also I'd ordered you vitamins because worried about your help I ordered you some this bars and that farzin this protein shit that and but I paid for the vitamins and I was pissed now 'cause they couldn't afford it I did I did. I ask you for the money. Oh I was angry. I don't blame you because I'm sorry I mean I mean well. I think I was so worried for your health but still it's not then you just give them like that was really awful. Sorry about that. Oh it's terrible. I didn't knit forgive me but I'm terrible. Is that those like hi. I'm PAT like my friend. Vicki is on the four years before you're too hard on yourself. Let's talk talk about you. Drove me to a comedy club. I was scared to work out. You walked me and like I know everybody respected me from then on you. Let's like I did around allowed to have have a moment of like you know what I mean like. You did a lot of wonderful loving things to right and the funny thing was like even when I bought you stuff that I didn't charge you for I was always like why isn't you wearing that. Ya 'cause it's always like something attached like a little head and it's like what's wrong with me so of course the time. I think nothing's wrong with any of this. So what happens is you. You're in my apartment. I go dude. You didn't write anything or didn't read enough for my incredibly hard working standards and you are like whatever this and that and I forget exactly what was said. Do you remember anything I mean I. I knew that I had to go to work. I had to go waitress. Oh God and I do not sit and watch something on TV. So you remember what you said. What what did I say. Do you want me to say so. You would actually give him a sweater that day than I really wish. We hadn't had that fight because I loved well. That's what I was GonNa Laugh that she took it out of her bag before she stormed out and I'm like what am I going to give this to now. Do you know I gave it to my my my my knees eve and she loves zits oriented sweater it really was. I looked expensive more okay God. What did I say. You were just about the auditions yes. I couldn't be up all night writing if I had auditions in the morning and I think that's what I think. I think that's what your hard work because when I get hard core when I feel I'm not getting what I want. which is like this play to be written fast? I I get I go. That's why I always say thank God. I'm not using insult comedy anymore off stage because I could in in keeping my temper off stage now because I mean I know right where to get. Jack and I tried to use that power. I know you do to what did I say oh man. It was terrible but I'm kind of proud of myself. Wait to you said you go. It was basically just like you know you keep ongoing and these auditions today like your waitress. I've got no problem with waitresses. It destroyed me and that's when I said something about you could be doing yet. You're not getting any. It was something yeah about well. Good luck because you haven't gotten anything in nine months. Basically your waitress yea. It was like an in that tone Niane Niane gesture that nobody can totally yeah yeah and you were and you took that sweater out of that bag that you ge- bag with all that stuff in it was ever a win there but a lot of all night changes of clothes and make a life yeah through down. I guess is really over. If you the sweater down and so you left and then it was just like sort of like I think maybe a couple of back and forth tax and it was Yucky and Nikki and and then we're just like well. We're GONNA other anymore and isn't GonNa work out and then we're just like okay. How do we have this deal. Work attributed all these stories so and isn't that and lawyers that the other so I don't a lot of that's a blur yeah but you remember any of that part. I remember Earth thinking like you know I still get in this pattern but I remember thinking I was so hurt because of the story was so personal it was the thing that tried to kill me like yeah like people's food issues is so and for me literally like like IV's TV's like literally almost ended my life and so I was so devastated by that but I had also thought this was my chance ons you know like I had also thought like. Oh this was going to do this. You know I was going to have some life now you know what I mean yeah and and then as time went on we ran into each other at lake an event for Lgbtq we we just laughed and laughed and we had gum and we had gone and I just remember being like I had so much fun with you like you like we went went to Billy Joel like we had fun. That's right. There was so we cry. All My guys like song which wrong like we had so much fun with you. You made me believe in like things things. I didn't know maybe were inside of Lena. Were God given like you you know so. I didn't and I'm just not a grudge holder period and also for my own healing in my recovery. I had to look at things in my life and I had to say. I'm sorry where I had done wrong well so so we both play runs for one season. That runs for another one was nonprofit. We used your stories because we came to that a legal agreement. They're very good. They're the best things in the show. I think I think they're so good and you know we get actresses. That can play you but not as well as you nothing wrong with them but you're the one it's the one that got away and we're still not obviously talking yet. That's fine fine. We bump into each other the thing the second round of the show was not successful which I think is a learning experience for me and just going okay how how to deal with this appointment how to deal with not having a legacy and then going legacy doesn't mean anything like live now crazy because you do have that to luggage and I just don't even care care anymore when you see. Hamilton finally and you're just like Oh. They're going to remember what you who lives. Who Dies who tells your story is. You have nothing to do with it. So what are they trying to put out there. It doesn't doesn't matter but I just do my best so I'm disappointed in the show and I think we had texted once in a while like a funny like literally once every six months and then one day about a year ago didn't you did you write to me. I think so you just like hey. If you're ever in the city I I'd love to talk for a minute or whatever yeah I bet. She's in the program and has two or once a what had happened. When did you started getting yeah helping the group. Yeah I don't I remember the day I remember where we were. I remember the weather I remember knbr everything and I yeah I mean for me like my recovery is so much about lake looking at where I'm wrong and anything I'm holding onto like. I need to ask to let it go and like I would. This is going to sound it's crazy but I would like pray free you know and pray that you would have like all the things that I wanted like you would have and security doc and also just ISOS e the pattern because I still do it I was. I don't do it with like wanting people delay. Give me a career so much anymore but I definitely do it with just like I want somebody to fix what no human next so the stuff that we have to self parent and give are solidly and sued that child and I never thought I would be okay like I never. I thought I could take care of myself. I never I always just felt so terrified and so I really started to see that like my terror made me sick Ray and then because I was so afraid I used people like I wasn't honest in our relationship. You know I didn't say no one. I needed to say no I didn't I didn't show up as I I was a taker of like you're nurturing instead of going lake. I'm a person in this too right so so you didn't show is an equal Colin either die. I came in on the white horse but that wasn't wanted on the white horse really ultimately well yeah. It's nice to help people but you gotta ask them right. yeah until I think just like 'cause I it. Would it would bother me. I'd be like I know that this relationship isn't I know something about this. Relationship needs an immense. I knows something about this. Relationship was wrong but he couldn't figure out what it was so this was while you were going to a and stuff like that or away or whatever our program while I was recovering yeah and and I would just I just realized that I couldn't have this like resentment towards you couldn't have and because the second I saw you at that event. It was just like laughter and fun and I love you and your your fun. You connects to stay for the reception. 'cause I had high heels on and like I'm not GonNa Privee around in high heels. I can't and I I was yeah. My feet hurt. We'll talk about but do you remember leaving. There and I think we texted back forth real quick okay. Hey you think you said I miss you sometime. Let's just go and Chew Gum together or whatever and it didn't feel like the right time but I of course I texted back. Yeah definitely and what's good is. I think neither one of US felt. It was the exact right time. Tell Gut you're always tells you when it's right. When you did reach out yeah I was was like. Oh this is great. Yeah I was like Oh this is going to be cool and I remember going in a friend who you know you know my vicky she goes. Are you nervous. Angolan no yeah. It's really weird. I go no yeah 'cause I think I knew everything was going to work out. Did you feel that way. I really did because I definitely think like I know. I know that I'm forgive her. I know I'm not I know I'm not a grudge keeper and I've had friends from my whole. Oh life and I moved a ton and I've had friends from every aspect of my life and like for better or worse. I just don't get rid of people I don't believe in that you know and I think like where it was different view as it was the first time that I had ever like fought back about something. It was because the story was like it was it's just it was too and I've had a different experience with some very famous producer. WHO also I'm not saying you stole work did not like but who took something thing that I and something in my gut told me that time let this go and the show closed and who cares and because it wasn't but that this was different and it was the first time that I had I had actually like fought for something new and I that's why I think it's a more incredible. All story is that we did fight each other we really did now and then and then something has just healed and different and it may like and I genuinely when love you WanNa be in your company. You know what I mean yeah because when you we met at Petaluma right yeah and because I try to always go go out on my way at least a block for people I really love. This is so fighting's. I'm so lazy like you always had a compartment everything because I'll admit I was thinking what a big shot. I am leading this little into my life. I'm going to save her and get to play. She gets a play on my name right. So why would I just like make her. Come to my apartment. It's like so and now it's like. I'm always saying to my friends like Shaikh him over. You come over here. You know it's just franken be do the the right thing yea how to learn from this experience with you. So I remember we meet over there and you say you're sorry and I could never immense however he said I could have never guessed that your part in it was what you said about the really about the you know how you use people which I hate that word even even even though you use it for you because I didn't feel you didn't feel. I don't think you use people but I think I know how I come in Iraq to save right. I tracked. What's the way now obviously thank God. We're like yeah and then we hung out for a couple of hours just laughing and Josh around than we've seen each other since then by the way. Do you think my part was something different. What was my part part yeah. What did they know. You said You I said was something about What's the manipulate yeah. Oh okay yeah I think it was. I thought you were just GonNa say. I'm sorry we we had that fight because I didn't know like what a circular apology was like you know. The circular apology is like I'm sorry we had a fight instead of saying. I'm sorry I think it was. Are we fought. I'm sorry we fought like I didn't think it'd be anything big. What you were like going deep like. Oh my God holy crap so I love this and then I said to him sorry that I was so pushy she and Myat and all that stuff and then everything was cool. Yeah so what I like about that is now that there's not that onus onus on and I think I'm better now for learning how to not do that anymore. As much yeah we still have the temptation affects. I'll still have the temptation to run on in like a freaking knight in shining armor but the person knew the person in me to have the conversation of do you want this like my niece ace. Christine is very big pond cash. She was on the show and remember Sh- when she had a problem at work and I rushed in there without asking and I said to her on the podcast a a couple months ago I said I'm sorry I rushed into fix that and she goes. Oh Save me from sexual harassment yeah. I'm glad you did that yeah happy but that was a chance suppose she wouldn't have been. I gotta ask I so I can't be such a pussy bull in a China Babinet that I just keep fixing. It's it's not my place but I but you you you have to understand that I will constantly make disasters for myself and go well. Surely someone will come along and fix this. Why having having we do that is. Do you think it's because we want someone to finally prove that we're worthy. I think I am terrified that I have no idea to be on this planet ride show. Every damn like this planet is terrifying but but how old are you. I'm thirty five sue you survive thirty. Five years yet had a really rough go of in bunch areas you know and but yet you're here. You're your healthy. You're not losing your mind. You're not losing your you know your physically fine. You're not homeless. Why do you think we are so oh thinking. We're going to F it all up. I don't know I think that every day every every day I'm like I blew it. I'm GONNA blow it. I had blown it this every day. Field like this is your last chance i. A- there's always that kind of is a way of saying to yourself self while every time I say it's my last chance. It never really is yeah. Never is yeah so daily. When you move along is is it. Has it gotten better since you know sort of learning of these patterns because at least you catch yourself yeah. It's funny. I just got in in. I just got out of another codependent relationship and that was not a business relationship or anything like that but I just noticed that I seek I seek women that are like my mother's age and I love my mom but like I there's something inside of me. That likes still. I just really wants to be mothered. It's interesting yes. I think we all do but also then instead of me being like Oh. I WANNA be mothered. I my mother people to death like I just did A. I don't like to Brag but I just did a community theater production barnum. How was it was. I know filed it. Ah Yeah but guess what I find myself doing I can't rescue and help all those struggling actors yeah 'cause that's their journey and thank God originals e handlers handlers book about her therapy and stuff because I'm not allowing them to fail. I'm not allowing them to do what they're supposed to be doing. In life just like I tried to control my father's death breath the way I tried to push on him all these things and yeah you did it for the right reasons like ultimately you and I whether it was together in our thing thing or with other people were really trying. We're not trying to be immoral. We're now you want out being mean. We're trying to do the right thing by rain but then we don't give them a choice right. You Know My dad the choice to die like he wanted to. I'm sure in ways I'm now. He's going yesterday but whatever so Chelsea Chelsea's book was so informative because she did the same thing to her dad and all we have to do is ask people what they want and they'll tell us yeah and I just think that I just noticed is that so many relationships in my life with women. I don't do this with men I show up and I make it in equitable. Mike I put people on a pedestal and I I will jump through hoops. I'll tap dance I will do. I will do anything to please you. I make you an idol in my life and the second can't that I am not feeling love or getting what I thought that that little show deserve I turn with such a vengeance and you and I think it's because I said yes when I should've said No. I said not myself the entire time and then then the second. I don't get what I want in that relationship. You're getting all those knows. I never sat along the way no reason and you're getting them at a weird time picky about it was all the other it was. It was about all the other things that I said no to myself. Yes to somebody out. You know what I mean. So would the way I I think you know say you and I were like living in the same city or like Oh. Let's hang out and be friends and all that yeah the way to do things would be what where I go. Hey do you WanNa have have coffee. You'd be like when and they'd be like house three and if you look at the watch and you're going forward be better it was four would be better better. Yeah me to look at the watching. Go three would three thirty yeah. That's the way to do or say no tomorrow but it's weird how those sound like such a little tiny destroy me but they all add up to resentment and they destroy me and my friend. Jen is amazing. She you know because okay sure Jane. Fonda says no is a complete sentence. Shore is when you're eighty but there's a lot of years of learning how to say no where you sat down dri and and then you fall apart into a puddle and you're like they're never going to be my friend. Bob Alright so like you have like I feel like I am in those years where it's like. I'm learning how to set a boundary and say this doesn't work for me but I sure I'm paying for it. When I do inside of myself ranking the person will never be my friend again thinking. I've been in Matt Abandonment so much bandit so I don't know I don't know when that shifts or whatever I think it just incrementally by recognize yeah and we're saying no when we mean yes as in Halloween. I mean no I mean I have friends that I now go oh. This is what I can only see every three weeks. This is one that if I get on the phone with her now. I I'm not going to be an hour and a half. I love her but let me just listen to Howard. Stern for a minute before I haul area just kinda. Get your but that's hard to do every choice but I think with actors at work yeah yeah so what he you think what would the healthy people have done if if they were since neither of us was healthy. I don't physically I mean emotionally healthy and what would the same humans have done. They probably would have set set real outline of what needs to be done and take both of their schedules into account. It wouldn't have been over. We're doing on one part the ASININE meaning over like being like Oh let me run the show and let me just be the boss and the beast and and you wouldn't have been subservient to it so you there are ways to do these things in hindsight that's better than not looking back at all and saying it could be be fixed or could have been there are every respectively and isn't it amazing that we can be like it's okay that we made this mess and we can now be friends like that. I think is the gift yeah. We'll ultimately come on. What's freaking play who care who care like I was going. It's like who cares like it doesn't matter like I moves. A lot didn't mean a thing yeah. The biggest thing that ever did was paid to keep my dad added home because that's what he wanted and I'll do it for my mom. What else oh I get to what SAMA freaking comic yeah the Big Freak me. It's like stupid yeah and I get the people think the career and all that and and and physical physical goods get possessions means something but really it's what's in here yeah. I think that that's something that I had to come to. I was I normally am real Nada Jealous this person. I don't have a lot of jealous. I know you don't let it was really I kind of had a really jealous week the week before last and I was really resentful handful about just like I'm also not a I'm not like a hamptons though I don't hang out with people like that and I was just like a round. Some people like that and they all had these connections ends that I thought like Oh. I didn't know the world really worked that. I didn't know that I thought you just worked hard. You know we're both so yeah. We're like Holler uh-huh yeah and I got a little like resenting of it and then I realized that I don't value how you that like. That's not real like sure. There is a part of me that thinks like it would be really nice to have X. Y. Z. Blah Blah Blah but I don't know that like having a bunch of money and that's not really what that's not really. What's going to make your soul seem like it's an invisible commerce? That makes you happy like we all know it to. We know when we give. We receive like we know it yet. You know fills the soul you know ever that stop. It's never do comedy show and get paid or whatever and we'll be after the show you just feeling again doesn't feel much better like when the ask where's offer. Whatever it's like could always wears off yeah doing for other. People doesn't wear off receiving good love Ray Ray by guests like you'll learn something but then I realized that sometimes when I get on a moral high road like that and I started to judge those rich people on on them. That's no good either. That's almost almost like ain't well comparing despair. It's almost like not even seeing them and just being like I accept them as they are. That's hard. It's let's put it this way. It's going to be daily early work for their life but that's alright because it's our great lesson right right. You know I think what's important is that I think we learned. I think what's great is that we came to this whole thing and it turned out good yeah. I think a big lesson I learned was don't apologize until you really know. I know what you're sorry for and you'll how to articulate it because you put it so beautifully that I was like. Oh my God like Shelley thought about this like I was worth something because you just apologize say yeah you know you're whatever dude I. I'm sorry we had a fight. Then you just feel like oh man I didn't mean much person and it was a couple years yeah and and you know what's funny about you saying none and I hope you don't mind me saying this is like you do really mean a lot to me and I think the thing that I was really sad about the thing that really like made me the most sad was that and I could be totally wrong. I could have made up this story but I felt like you probably you who you are and like you have fame. You have success in a field that like a lot of people would want. I don't know that like you get to have people show up honestly and like meet you just be your true friends and I was sad that I didn't because I wanted to be your true friend and so I was sad that my own desires to have what you had or two that that like cut off where like I just want to really really like be your friend because you're a good friend and like you're a loving wonderful human ram. It must not feel good either when you can sense that the other person like wants yes from you you know and that's what I felt like well. I don't want her to feel that way right. Oh well thank you and honestly I probably was so in like need me need me mode that I probably didn't even notice that I was just like why don't she doesn't need me anymore. You know what I think. What's great is like you see more or bad and what you did. I see more bad because I need a totally and you don't do to somebody else as much because I'm still do would. I'll make sure I know I do. I did it yeah yeah so when you say you've got out of a codependent thing yeah did you you recognize it before a big bash ashish or did you have to have a big blow up. No we did not have a big blow up. I think I think we both just saw that lake. I am if I get in the needy plays right where I need. A human to fix for me would only God convict's right. There is no end it is a bottomless for it is in lists and eventually. I it consents when the human is like a like. I don't have the tool kit for this person and then I think we both were like I've made this something. I shouldn't have interesting because I would always see I would grab it every Straw because I didn't have the tools totally I would grab rabbit the freaking vitamins and the dresses and that the writing of the play so we can have that big moneymaker together instead of going. Oh she'll ask for what you need. Yeah Oh God forbid. I would've let somebody open their mouth no but but but that's but it's so funny because you were just doing what I know I somehow put out in the world. We're like so it. It is a perfect storm because no one has enough tools for me. Yeah yeah that's true. No one has a a little bit of power yeah. It's not a human is not a human fix. It's true because it is all about working on ourselves and giving it up to a higher power and all that stuff yeah and now in men trade because men men love to rescue shore and I literally will I'll be like I it will destroy like you need to run now this will I will my need will take you out so are you so you don't date now. Yeah someone my Golota. My guests say that I don't date now because I said you know I don't WanNa which I you know. It's funny millennials. I always used to be judged and I was with the bunch of them the other day and they were playing some game. My House about sex question came up who thinks had had sex. You know the most most recently I go well. I know it's not me. I said `I'm Selva for seven years and they're like. Oh my God why and I said I'm not having sex till I find my spiritual equal and you don't people my age are always like Oh. You gotta be kidding. Ever millennials like that is so great yeah. I believe that and just go wow you know I think I'm like a millennial at heart yeah. I got that so I wanNA like go into an unless I'm with somebody who just gets all this so. Do you feel ever like while that's never going to do. I need to makes me but I never I never think about it. Once in a Blue Oh man it will cross my mind. Do you think because of your horrible break up that was in the play. You were so turned off to relationships. I don't know that because again he I wanted him to rescue me. You know what I mean. I don't know Oh that he that that turned me off a relationships. I think anyone that tries to take time away from my hopes and dream but I've changed on that a little bit and humans are probably more important than like aspirations but but I I to be honest with you like I want to. I want a man that is Christian I want that's and I don't mean Christian like how short we demonstrated. In the news. I mean like a real lake following the teachings of Christ right and not hate like a real and I just have never I've literally never met a single Christian man that didn't like live under Laguardia. You know why I think those people appear when they're when when they're supposed to do and win like we're ready for right so that's why I never think about dating or men because I go she'll going to happen. That's exactly how I feel. I never think about it because I'm lake. Also we're never lonely. We're not lonely lonely be part of his horrible because I just love living by myself and I just love being alone and that's okay though better than having the need telling you know but so what's great about this is we can start working on our two person show again just kidding leading note. I'm so glad we did this because like yeah. I think it shows people a lot about like Oh. It's never really over over over and by by the way if you then agree to disagree and say we walk away. It doesn't have to be even mad now. I had a break up with a friend recently and we're just like I mean this isn't going to work and he's like this yeah. It's not good. It's you have a lot to offer. I have a lot of this tear. Are Combination is awful yeah. Ah Okay hugged it out and that's it. That's amazing. I mean and yes do. I like seeing his post on instagram. No because I'm like it's still kinda sad. Totally that's okay. Guess what sadness will will will stop crying. You know what I mean. I can't kill you yeah. You know I'm not good at the break. I won't break gap with a friend that is like a little well. It's yeah put it this way. fifty-seven I finally had to work up some Kerr. You know yet we just met at a restaurant mayhem and his wife and his wife left because she doesn't like confrontation. Oh in the ad online lots of I rolls here because if you don't like confrontation it means. You're big freaking pussy who just doesn't have any anyway. I don't even understand passive aggressive. I'm like just aggressive with me too because I think if you say it then you can move on. We'll get back to chewing in gone yeah exactly so yeah. I think it takes a while to just go yeah. Let's let's end this with the honor that we started it. That's a night you know and again. Do I think fondly of him now not every day yeah but you know what it'll get to that point yeah totally but I think the discussion how to take place yeah you know but I'm so glad for you and your let me just say you are a phenomenal actress. Stinky semi effing amazing writer Effingham Automation Actress Comic Everything in Ken to find you. You've got to look this broad up. She is very good. Give us your instagram and all your shows. It's Ash Austin Morris that's my instagram twitter. Yes and you will post things because you ooh have written. A one woman have yeah with the title is well you. Actually I need your help. Actually I am asking for help because the titled Totally we saw the title right now has been the end of their because I it's. I didn't have a home. It's all about like home and Blah. Blah Blah and there is no there. There is no there. Are you know what I mean and that's what I realized throughout it but so I but you know it's funny and poignant. I hope about looking for a home yeah. I all all the things I did that failed miserably and making my home in people in career in places and just left me such a dumpster fire dude. I'm going to see it because I'll tell you what that's a big theme for. A lot of people thank you. That's that's really going to resonate with being gift. We look forward everywhere for every. I don't know anyone who's not like that. I know so many people with the bed and breakfast fantasy Juno that is the one where they're going to retire the couple apple and sell their house and start a bed and breakfast. It makes me want to chop my own head off to beyond that you have to go before to cook breakfast for these ass anyone any just getting in bed trays trays really and not be in the room absolutely now. Here's my ass no trade I mean but honestly I love this idea because wherever you go there you are yeah and it's all the same geographic sobriety totally you know and just the idea like clutch achieve like any clutching anything and going this is this is the thing and there is no Vaneau because it's always chain Holler and it's thing like right now. I think the thing for me is ballroom dancing. Am I shrink. There's going to see her and ballroom dancing and and it's GonNa be something else next year. So you never know the minute you get your arms around angle worked for a while. Now I gotta change it up. What at least we notice it. Yeah you you know but yes to see Ashley when she does her readings of her show and then eventually has the produced show Goto at Ash Austin Morris. It's dot Com Ashley going on like Oh. That's the instagram the com the website is Ashley asked Morris Comedy. Oh Good Good Ashley Austin Morris Comedy Dot Com listen to me. People people think we've learned a lot today and I'm going to recap when I come back but I I want to say. Thank you Ashley. You're awesome. This is very educational yet. Informative it also entertaining for people because every lose to hear about a fight. Everybody girl fight really fat and somebody who is really thin. That's a good visual. It's so seriously thank you so much for coming in. It takes a lot of guts for us to tell the truth and we forget to tell the truth. Yeah nobody died. Nobody died. I just love that like what kind of a loser like win to the Mat with Lisa Lamp Nelly. I know she was a crappy bitch. Young scrappy aspiring aspiring comic does that like a Moron with no governor ever no. I think it helps you a lot. I think and give you a lot. It's trashing me should thank you hate that person because I've had it happened to me kind. I remember breaking up with a guy once and he called every comedy club. You could have done that to me Kazadi. How awful person does that or actually how sad and Dad Yeah Joe Want. Thank God I only did other said and damage things to other people in my third yeah. I can't but thank you so much. I love you. I love you. Thank you sell my top coffee soon. We'll be at a time that you like that you. I come from. I I'll be right back with let Lisa. What did we learn. What have we learned today. You know people we learned just about enough today. We learned that even after a screaming fight light were is said some horrible things and I actually said to someone you're just a waitress. They forgave me and I forgave them for doing some imagine thing that I thought they were doing. I really think we've learned that. Forgiveness can happen no matter what hey we've all well. It fights in our lives. We've all had to deal with some sort of disappointment and feeling quote unquote letdown by someone but guess what those so the people who help us heal for example as you heard I was a savior. She needed saving. We eft up now now. We know how not to do that anymore. And some day will not do that anymore but as for tomorrow if there's anyone needs to be saved just listen to the next next episode of lend lease help and also if you need to be saved from your terrible awful food and body image issues come to my food and body image workshop called. I love your body feed your soul Apollo November eighth through tenth and find all things Lisa Lamb Bonelli at Lebanon and dot Com Lisa. Thanks for listening to let Lisa help with Lisa Lamb for more INFO on Lisa's storytelling shows workshops and her life coaching services go to Lisa Lamp Nellie Dot Com. You can also follow Lisa on the social at Lisa Lebanon new episodes of let Lisa help or available weekly on Apple podcasts and podcast one and if you love to show make sure to leave a rating and review.