Grape Therapy: Claire Byrne is Back to Share her Heartbreak Story
Thank you for listening to this podcast. One production available on Apple PODCASTS and podcast one. podcast one percents off the vine great therapy. Them Breath. Joe's going to answer your questions. Drink to your concessions and. You have to say about anything bachelor. Let's shake it up some more years Caitlin sitting down with someone who took her experience, being heartbroken and turned it into a pretty bad ass career. She's now heartbreak coach who regularly helps people get over the one who broke their heart whether that's through podcast how to stop wanting him back? Her Healing heartbreak program that provides one on one guidance and her articles featured in publications such as Corny Kardashians. Pooch so it. I like that she's here with me today to share her heartbreak story and to help you move on. Please welcome to the PODCAST. My Guest Clare Byrne thank you so much renewed. From you so much for having me I'm so excited. So you are from New York. Yes, and then you move to La. Yes, did you move to L. A. for work stuff? Yeah! I was the cliche example of actress Yogi, yeah and Really went through my rock bottom heartbreak while being in new. York I lived in La Yeah for a year prior to that? And so then I really hadn't given la the proper shot so came back to new. York really hit my rock bottom my rock bottom relationship and we gotta get Outta here. Yeah, went to L. A. Still Continue Acting Teaching Yoga, and then as deepened my own journey on healing, my heart I became inspired to do this. Wow, that's so cool, my favorite. Favorite thing in life is when people go through something hard, and then they're like you know what we're GonNa make a career out of this or when people just make a career out of things that they love in life and like helping others. Hey, let's start a podcast. Let's love me. I was like I'm GonNa make a career out of drinking wine. Sitting in my sweats, talking and maybe throw in some crunchies. It's just A. It's it's about your vision and what you want to make it happen so good for you. Thank you made it out of coming from rock bottom. So can we talk a little bit about that? And what happened? Yes, so how long ago was this? Is this the the rock bottom? Relationship was eight years ago thirty eight. Now be thirty, nine. Nice and. Really, though throughout my twenties right like he was the rock bottom, but I was doing things and getting involved with people were pretty shitty hands, and that was really like the. Up Call Okay. So again as I said I'm an actor was an actor I. Guess you're always an actor but i. just don't pursue. Right told. You agents manager like we're done. Really now I think. I believe that if an opportunity presents itself down the road, it's not that I'll say I'm never act right weird like I'll look at my friend's audition tapes obviously still have a lot of actor friends. We'll talk about it and I don't feel like I miss it at all which also? Because it was ingrained in my soul. Yes, day I was born. But again I think when you do this work. This kind of coaching work. There's dreams are born that you don't even realize. Did you ever think pre Bachelorette that this is what your life would be now. Yes, you. Stop it I don't know I just feel like. If you ask any one of my friends like I always just like channeled this like I'd never took anything serious. Because one day I will live the life I want I'm and I just put it out I put the specifics like doing a podcast and drinking wine and selling scrunchy. No, not the specific. You're right, you're right. You always knew you're going to do something fabulous. Sure I just thought it looked different. Yes, totally get that. Yeah. I did see myself going on like a reality show, but never thought it would be. I thought it'd be like. Some Canadian like. Big Brother Canada. Such a big brother Fan I don't know anyways value. That's amazing. So I yeah I was just acting throughout my twenty and I had been actually in a relationship with someone from when I was sixteen to twenty four and everyone thought Oh she's going to get married I and I just with a cliche experience of getting into acting class in meeting these bad boy. Yeah like. The classic dumb things that someone does and her twenty. And I really loved my victim story like he did this Jimmy these things, but he acted differently right, so I twenty eight was. It was my first real adult relationship, I would say yeah, and that was pretty toxic in the sense that we just were not on the same page, but it was still. There was a lot of love there yet, but it was A. Classic kind of Peter Pan. He's now a dear friend today I had. Here, rock bottom is now. The. Rock bottom where it was still super painful. Okay, but there was a lot of love and respect. We just weren't compatible with the things that we wanted in the lifestyle that we wanted to share, but again I hadn't done any work on myself. Caitlin so high was just like. If you say you love me, then you should just want what I want. Totally been there, yes. And so I was very victim. Relationship to. went to La for a year, and that was really when the economy was crashing, so I was supporting myself through commercial work right and everything dried up and I'm like hard. Broten I'm broke I. Don't know what I to do with my life. I'm in La I. Have No friends or family here. I fell in love with Yoga became a yoga instructor back in new. York built my own private yoga teaching business because of my own connections through obviously most of my life being spent in New York yet, and that's when the rock bottom relationship happened, and it was someone who I had met years prior. He was actually friends with that other. Of Mine and I soon as Madame owes like that guy is bad news like you new new like whenever I must've twenty-six just conventionally good looking actor guy something about him that my stomach was like. Stay away right and he was dating someone at the time. He totally treated her like Shit, and he was always really nice to me. And I was just like I always got a vibe from him. That I felt like he was interested in like. While I was dating the other guy, there were just inappropriate things that happened like one time we were at a show and. Of course again, all actors involved in this Theater Company and I saw him there and I could clock him watching me with my boyfriend and. I just felt a feeling and I gotta ever said it to my boyfriend at the time, because I thought he was going to think I'm dramatic, being meaning out of right and happening, and then later on, he'd send me an email being like hey, sorry. Sorry had to leave mobile, I'm like. Why are you emailing me sorry? I had to leave like you're in a relationship I'm right it just there. Little things that like I couldn't put my finger on, but when you look back, it wasn't appropriate and then when I finally did. Break up with the other guy. He just totally came to yeah and I still resistant I remember showing my friend's picture being like look at this guy like he's hot, he's dangerous. There's something not right. He's that you knew I knew. It, but I hadn't done the work on. So I was like Oh. Maybe I'm making this up. And now he's been really sweet and I moved back to New York and he just like totally took me in so all the what not to do. Yoga teacher training and we'll just stay with me because I was Joe, no I just stayed and never laughed okay. Yeah, and so he treated me like gold that that man. Yeah so narcissistic. NARCISSISTIC SOCIOPATH! They lift you up. They idealize you. He tells me I've been in love with you. For the last couple of years since I met you and I've been in a really place I never thought that I could have you all these things, and of course me the other heartbreak like vulnerable. I just started doing work on myself as a yoga, so I felt like really of all. self-aware centered I would. have tools like I. Really know what I'm young. And so I thought I was equipped, and I addressed things to him I said look I'm interested in you ide- WanNa to pursue this, but I saw the way. You treated your last girlfriend and. He, had he had an excuse for everything. Right I was different obvious. And, he really didn't treat you like. Treat me like gold, and that's what nurses do they idealize you? And then they devalue you I'm and you're like wait. What happened to the connection we did have and then they discard you, and then they suck you back in, and so it was this vicious liable. Like are you okay? Yes. That's what it is like. Okay go on, I'm just having like. But I saw that. And so I just kept doing that vicious cycle with him, and then I really noticed that he was keeping me really separate from certain people in his life, one being a girl who I was friendly with. He showed up with me at an event she shut down. There was an path, and that's what narcissism paths do this dance and if paths don't have their? Paths do you have a special power right so an empath is someone who just feels the energy in a room. She not calling it, he she. But there are female narcissism, yes of and paths yeah. We're talking about yes. Yes. Yes, I get it so. And paths will give all the love that they have even at the sacrifice of their own needs, right and so. I was really doing that with him and giving it also. I could feel the energy of this other woman Victoria. WHO's now? Dear friend wedding I attended. As I love those and she was very. She's the sweetest person wise. This girl you know ignoring me or there's some tension there and again. I was just like you're not being. Would confront him and say there's something up here. Victoria was always so in love with me I, told her I didn't WanNa. Be With anyone. Then you move back from La and now you're like living with me and it's just really hard for her, but we work together, so she's just my friend Blah Blah Blah. We'll now I know he inventory. We're about to move in together then. He told her no when he found out that I was coming back and then. He proceeded to date both of us at the same time. got a dog with her, but told me that he got a dog to bring us closer together sent a picture from the dog park didn't cut enough of her face out so I didn't notice it at the time. But he eventually like a month later I was just all these things were happening multiple pairs of underwear that weren't mine and I was constantly like what the? Other. I've heard bucurs. Yeah so I just I'm just like make it right. Make it right, but the here it's so easy for me to tell the story and be like what addict addict, but what was my part that? I stayed in that for almost a year. Right? You know and I don't say that to shame myself now I'm like no, the abandoning of myself was A. A lesson and I think that this is why I'm so passionate about doing what I do because we all WanNa make it about the other person we all WanNa make it about Mr or miss wrong and again my podcasts as you mentioned called how to stop wanting him back. Obviously, heartbreak is a universal lesson for anyone gay straight whatever your race relations. Sh for the simplicity of it, you talk about my own experience, but Mr or MS wrong. We're so focused on. What he did what he said why he would do that. Why would he say those things and do what you do, and we're so in their brains, and wanting to understand the why, but the why doesn't matter the the the why you should be asking is why you keep wanting him back right because I was so Caitlin in so much pain, and I wanted was for him to be the person that he promised me he was in the beginning. Yes. I wish we could podcast your face. I've like kidding teary eyed, just because I guess I totally understand I mean I will say that I mean everyone knows who I'm talking about. An I shouldn't be talking about whatever liking girl you know. He was a faith fall, and I would never find anything and never made me like that and it wasn't he wasn't. No but everything else you're saying is how I felt and it's interesting that. I did it for three years though you got out after a year, so your situation was very different. Regret like committed right off the bat, and Planning Your Life together right off the bat so. It happens in different ways all right. Quick Minute as you guys know I've been trying to get back in shape lately and not just about losing weight. That's not what it's about for me. I know that when I work out, I can eat healthier I feel better about myself. Physically and mentally and I'm just in a better mood and have more energy. It's not always easy to develop the healthy habits. It takes to get in shape or to stick with them, and that's why I love Neum so get this new is one program for all your health and weight loss needs no. No more hunting for training APPs calorie trackers mill plans. It's literally all right there for you. In one place, I'm personally using neum, so that I can feel better overall more energetic fit. My clothes better feel like I'm doing what's best for me? I'm trying to make healthier choices especially when I'm traveling or going out to eat with friends. That's literally where I find myself struggling. So one of my favorite things about him is that you have a goal specialist and the entire Neum community which helps you stay on track and keep motivated. The APP is so easy convenient to use and. You to vote just ten minutes a day with working on yourself and other great part about Neum is that they're not going to shame you. If you get off track, thank you. You're human. We get it so instead of making. You feel bad about the desert you had you just get to get back on track the next day? Simple as that also new teaches moderations. No food is good, bad or off limits. It's such an easy to stick with way of life instead of a diet. You know you won't be able to stick with long-term. You don't have to change it all in one day. Small steps make big progress. Sign up for your trial today at noon. An M, dot com slash fine. What do you have to lose visit? NEUM DOT com slash fine to start your trial today. That's NEUM DOT com slash fine the last weight loss program. You'll ever need a so then. Tell me how you got out. And realized what like how toxic it was, too, because a lot of people will just keep going back. One hundred percent I'm actually writing currently another article for push. That's like. How do you leave toxic relationships so I mean there's so many different layers and so many details we here for hours, but ultimately the way it ended was one I will never forget this you're. You might not know who this person is Anthony Weiner are you familiar with who he is? Why does? He was caught like engaging with teenagers. Okay, yes, wife, he was I want to say he was a mayoral candidate in New York, but he's some New York politics. Yes, I know and my rock bottom and I were like having a good day or a good moment, or whatever and he always had met with his theater company on Monday nights and. I just that day was just like Oh. My God does he see Anthony. Weiner was caught or something like that headline, or whatever and he was just like what an idiot for getting caught. And I was like that's actually not funny. Considering like the things that you have done right, I found disgusting e mails between him, and another one I found so much shit and I stayed people. This isn't about him. Being a Dick I stayed the real issue right, and so he was like Oh. Yeah, he wouldn't eat for getting caught. Law Mike that's not funny. He's like. I'm just kidding. I. Feel funny. Here's streaming down your face. Though I. And by the way do you got caught so many times I'm reading? Right so that night he was going and I was staying at a friend's I was. Like couch surfing I was broke as a joke I didn't want to stay at my parents skeleton. Ten pounds lighter than what I am now and I'm like welts on my face, the stress on my face, and like clumps of hair I was just a shell of a human and my parents. My Dad was like I'm concerned that you're anorexic. and. So that night I was Sta- I had dinner with a friend and I just had a feeling and I said I'm going to come up and see you after after. After your rehearsal. And he was like no, no babe. That's not a good idea like blonde on, Mike, I have a bad feeling and I actually I'm GonNa, come up and he's like no, don't come up and I was like so I'm actually already here. And he was like hold on and left and came outside and he was just like I'm going to. Coach someone else on audition or whatever and I was just like you're lying to me. Someone's back at your place and he's like you are crazy or so crazy. This can never happen again. And he totally put it on me, and now I know that obviously the other woman was there, and I was just it was such a dramatic mess and on a street corner, totally sober for once. Monday night in New York City and I kinda like stumbled off the curb and he was like Clare. You're going to get hit by a car and I was like I go up. And, so then the story became Clare's suicidal. He He's another thing that narcissistic sociopaths. Jewish they smear campaign your name right, and so it just became I was just this complete psycho now to his credit I actually felt like I was turning psycho, but that's what happens with gas lighting manipulation, saying one thing doing the other thing. You have a bad feeling, then you can't come in and all these things, so that was really and truly the end of it like an I I just I called my best friends the next day God. Bless majority of them who stayed with me, but I was a frequent nightmare during that time I, definitely ruined friendships at that time and. One! My one of my closest friends was just like this is. Like. We are not doing this again. And I just was lifeless, and then all the truth started coming out the overlapping of Victoria, and I and The next conversation I had with that ended in June of two thousand eleven. The next conversation I did have with him is that I discovered an S. T. D. in December, and I hadn't been with anybody else in some. I hate this guy and. I was just like well. The right thing to do is to contact because I now know he's dating Victoria which and so interesting because I texted him and he was like Yeah Yeah Yeah! I can open the phone, but I'm just working tonight. When I get off my shift, I'll call you and he's like. Hey, what's going on and I was just like so i. have this thing and he was just like. I said so you really need tell her and he was just like I am not dating her. He's I. Mean all my logical Ir, and that's where he went with that I'm not dating her. And meanwhile his now sister-in-law who invited me to their wedding as she was like I'm horrified and we love you. We've seen him do this. To multiple women years all of his clothes people were just. Just like I am so sorry, you dodged a bullet. Yeah, even though they all stay close to him, but also another thing, another big trade of narcissistic sociopath is that they hold leadership positions where they hold power and people don't like either too scared to leave, or they feel like. He has something that they need from him, so he's in that position and that's the most. I'll say there. But it's so fascinating that all is quote. Unquote closest friends I kept bumping into them. Because again. My brain was so consumed and what I do in terms of coaching is. Where my whole approach in coaching is at your thoughts, create your results, so my brain was so consumed by this drama, so I was getting answers and people all the time. In the most random restaurants yet city and his best friend would be there and he'd be like. Are you okay? But they all still stay with him I love him. He's my best friend. Mike, and like why. Yeah, that's the one. I could go on all these different tangents, but it's like I get it. I look at your world, right? You're going to be friends with people who are friends with no people that disrespected you and all the things and it's like but to me. It's like one hundred percent anyone who is associated with him. Anyone who has loyalties to him. Anyone who's friends with him, anyone who's connected with him professionally. You're not allowed in my life. We are disconnected. I mean. It's just. It's a dangerous situation, and not that I'm calling him a murderer I. Don't think he's that like. A very damaging. So. I went off on that side note, but I think you know I. have so many thoughts with. I'm the same way I feel like I. Kind of actually lost a couple friends. Just because I'm like I can't even be in that circle. Ya, just or protection your heart, and your wellbeing Oceana. Wellbeing is more important than like Oh, but I really loved that person, but yeah, and that can be a painful cost to pay, but is your emotional wellbeing more important well I n. even when you're saying you're shelve yourself I mean I was just the same way I I became so insecure, and not like I the bright light that you are. Not. I was just completely losing myself as time and time went on and. It's just you don't see it in the in in that moment. Do you just think it's you and you try and make things better for somebody else, and they keep making you feel like that is the problem. You are yeah yeah yeah. Yeah and then I look back on. It wasn't. But I did the victim thing to for a long time. Thinking I did something and there's obviously a lot of shame held around the TV show, and all these things and again I'm not going to sit here and Basham because i. Don't WanNA. Do that, but it's just. I'm just relating to things that you're saying, and I think a lot of people can and I think what you when you do the podcast. Just really you're vulnerable. Monologue if you yes. Model I guess I like cried that I thought it was so beautiful and playing so much respect for you for just making it. Exposing yourself in that way and sharing your story, because so many people are going through it and also yeah I can only imagine obviously I. Mind was not as public as yours, but just to. When people are rooting for you and invested in you and questioning if it was real and all I can't imagine that on top of the actual heartbreak, yeah! And it's interesting that you said you just hadn't done the work yet. Because I, think my real rock bottom was the relationship before. And I think that's where I was actually a shell of myself, and that's one of my friends were like concern for me. This last one I have done the work and I will always continue to do the work because they're always be work to do. But this one was different where I knew. I was okay without somebody and I was like happy with myself, and who I was and new I was like established in certain ways, and it made the break-up easier and I think that's where your role as a heartbreak coach. Come in for people because you can. You can like deep dive into how they need to do the self work to find the person that they're gonNA, actually allow themselves to be happy with. We'll be right back with more often. Rate Therapy. You're listening to off the vine race therapy your podcast you talk about what do they call? The houses stop. And think about. You know I was talking about this with my coach and she was like. So, what do you do your heartbreak coach? But what do you do you have what does that will? He'll their hearts. She's like barring yeah. Yeah it like what do you mean? No I help you stop wanting mister or miss wrong back because that is really the woman that I want to serve whether 'cause we all intellectually know. This guy right if he did all these things, or he's saying one thing and the actions are not supporting it like. Why do you want to be with that person? You wouldn't want your sister, your daughter, your mom, your best friend to be with someone who isn't showing up right, but our hearts are already locked in because of the oxytocin and the Serotonin. That's released when you have. Have that bond to him, and and it really is an addiction when you start. I deal with a deal with coach. A lot of women who just can't seem to shake him can't seem to get him out of this because we are so longing for that high of what we hoped it would be and I'm obviously an actor so I I love to fantasize. They'll just be like. What does the future luckily? Everything that they're like women are crazy. I'm like I. Totally. Go their brain, and which doesn't make you crazy. Thank you Caitlin Yeah. No but. The important thing is to reign it in I. Remember saying to a friend. You know I really like him, but I don't WanNa. Get my hopes up. And she said why not. Get your hopes up. Oh, because I don't want to feel the disappointment, but no go and get your hopes up, but know that you can manage your mind if your hopes get broken. If it doesn't turn out to be the person and so another aspect of how a coaches again. If your thoughts create your results, you can think your way into attracting. You're ideal person because you can become the woman in your brain kate winslet. You're losing losing me though. She's nodding her. I'm about my girlfriend right now. Out here head. Guess what your eyes are like. How does that happen? This is. My work, yeah, and so I so right now I coached twenty clients. Actually I've eighteen right now, so two spots. Available right now, shameless plug! But at one point I had five clients building my business right, and so I really through my work with my coach became the woman who has twenty clients before the twenty clients arrived, and so then literally just like two months ago. I said Okay here. I am hit. Twenty clients you know. Everything I wanted to create with my brain. And I like always committed my brain to being the future version of myself, and so I just like manage my schedule as if I had twenty clients so I don't get to Chit Chat with every best e that calls Tuesday at two. PM Right. Really just focus my brain and became the woman who became the coach who is? The person with the full business right and so how do I make my schedule I'm not going to be sloppy with my client schedule. I'm not going to be sloppy with my schedule. Even if I have those slots open and then I was okay well now may bringing his created twenty clients. My brain can totally create one man. I can create twenty people on my roster. Yeah, what's one person? We all think like it's so hard to find him. It's so hard to find him and I'm like well in the same way that I thought felt and behaved my way to twenty clients. How can I think feeling behaved my way to one man, yeah, and so I just moved to a new apartment a few months back. I got a funk hsi-wei lady yeah. Really started being like okay if he was here, what would what are the thoughts that I would be thinking? And how would I behave? And how would I show up? And how would I go about my day like we always have giddy feels like a new lover come alive. Maybe I'm coaching clients a day, but and that might look even though I love what I do. Sometimes, you're like Oh eight eight emotional conversation. It's alive. Yes, and I think about like Oh. It's so fun knowing at the end of the night. Come home, and we'll have a glass of wine and awesome to watch the bachelor with me right. Just thinking like Oh, those are the thoughts that I would be thinking, and then that lights up my brain to believing like he's here, and it gives me like a pattern and as a result. I've been newly dating. Oh GonNa leave it at that. But I've been addressing a different because it's so new bet like. I'm attracting different kind of guy who's just like what are you doing? When are you next? availables refund. The chemistry is there whereas like over the years I think I've settled for less physical attraction just because he's a good guy or I or I'm physically attracted, and I'm a little like You're in our success, right or rang. So so that's kind of the fun part of the coaching, but in terms of the stopping wanting him back. I think the first step is you have to be real with the fact that you do want him back? I think when people come to me and they say like Oh my God. I, just I. Know I need to get over my no need to get over him and I'm like, but let's be real if you think about a I don't know if you're familiar with the twelve steps, yeah, the first step is awareness. Actually I really. Do you want him back? Yeah, he totally me over. And all my heart and my brain wants is for that time when we initially had yes, all right? Let's talk about Lacroix sparkling water. It was developed to give health conscious consumers, refreshment, flavor, and sparkle with an innocent twist of zero calories, zero sweeteners and zero sodium enjoy lacroix sparkling water, a calorie sweetener, sodium, innocent beverage with nothing artificial lacroix. Lacroix is a healthier alternative for you and your lifestyle, and is available nationwide for fullest of retailers visit www dot, lacroix water dot COM Lacroix's twenty-five flavors are confirmed to be derived from natural sources with natural fruit essences. Families Continue to value the wholesomeness of Lacroix again. Zero calories you're sweeteners, zero sodium and that equals innocent. There are fifteen lacroix flavors, the newest flavor hibiscus, hello, beautiful, delicious, Crisp, and refreshing just like. Like the other flavors, key Lime Tangerine, mango, apricot passion, fruit peach, pear coconut lemon, Lime Berry Cran Raspberry, orange grapefruit and pure unflavored. The Lacroix family also includes six Lacroix cure flavors, pineapple, strawberry, Apple Berry, Cherry, lime, Kiwi Watermelon, blackberry, cucumber, and cantaloupe pink grapefruit Lacrosse to has a bolder flavor, but same innocent nutritionals, Lacroix, sparkling waters and Lacroix caretas sparkling water are gluten free vegan Kosher and non GMO whole thirty approved. Approved and environmentally-friendly liqueur cans are perpetually sustainable Amerson global, so for more information joined the Likud community on social at Lacroix water or check us out at www dot, lacroix water dot com. What's the next step well, but even so before weaving and I love it. You said that because that's exactly what my clients okay, but then what's next, right? It's like I. Don't want to talk to you about what's not working. You about how I make it work and feel better. Yeah, but I really, and this is like where I'm not the greatest sales lady about my work because I'm like. No, you have to feel your pain. Yeah to watch that. Your brain believes that wanting him back as the answer. Right like if someone's trying to lose weight, right. It's it's hard to eat the pizza and the brownies because that's not helping you lose away, but it's also really hard to eat greens and drink water and start going to the gym if you haven't been doing that, our brains are habitual. It wants to do what is comfortable doing even if it's not giving you the results that it wants fair, so both options suck, but you have to be real with what you are craving. Yeah, and notice that and. And then you have to be with the urge and got satisfy it. I E B with the urge to want him back and block on social media. Do not text him for any reason. Do not get together with his best friend's girlfriend. You can get more information on is hurting things someone like all the things you want to do to get really savvy with how committed you are to being with your pain while not acting on it to exasperate them. That's what my therapist calls at shopping for pain. Yes, going shopping for pain like nobody wants to admit that, and because there's shame around I'm not doing that to myself. I can't help it you. I think when you're initially heartbroken. I do feel like that is something that you can't help. This woman burqas do is a huge life. Coaches and amazing podcast called the life coach school, and I use her coaching methods with my clients, and my coaches also use her method on me and. She really talks about how life is fifty fifty fifty percent negative, fifty percent positive, so there are certain things like the loss of loved ones, whether that's death or break-up or the loss of a job, the loss of money or anything like that that is part of life. Feel the pain and I. Don't know about you, but I know you're Canadian. But I was raised in I'm actually originally from Ireland's. My parents are vote and I lived there as a as a kid, but. My parents grew up in the fifties and sixties in Ireland. where it's just like brush it under the rug. Don't cry, just go be a good Christian. Like. That was just it. No one's like. To cry. It's okay to feel you're feeling right it out right and I'm not saying that I love my mom and Dad. I'm about to go on a plane to see them. Yeah, but that just wasn't there way. That wasn't what they were taught. I think a huge important part of this is to say I'm in so much pain right now. I feel it in my heart center, so I do a lot of mind body work with my clients, as well Yep feel the pain. Let's locate it. What are you thinking that's making? You feel that way. I want him back. I hate him. I miss him. You know like all the different. The five stages of grief, right depression anger What is it bargaining? Right like you go through all these different stages. I'm watching what I can't remember them now if I don't. But. In Yeah I know, but you'll go through all these stages where Oh and starting to, and that's why I asked my clients to do a six month. Commitment with me because it's not a linear process, you're GonNa Great Week, and all of a sudden. Someone tells you that he's with someone else, and you feel like you've just been broken up with all over again. You have to go through the process and that doesn't mean that you've come back to square one. It's like Oh, now I have this information just to your point, right? Your last heartbreak wasn't your rock bottom, but it was still a lot of pain, but you. You had tools, yes, and so. Like really teaching yourself how to navigate through that and so then. We talk about again. Your thoughts create your results so if the result being over him is what you're going for. What would you be thinking? If you were over him. Right and so it's just we play with the brain. I'm not asking them to get off the phone in our session or in three sessions or six or ten sessions to be like. Wow, now that I'm thinking about what I think about in the result of being over him. Oh, now I'm just GonNa? Think that thought and never. Again of course, but it's the beginning of retraining the brain. It's expanding your brain to the possibility of being over him instead of just being like. These are the cards. This. It's really hard. I hate more than ever. When people are like time and space or someone else coming in is going to heal it now. Is that true like you met Jason Pretty, quick? Did yeah, but I I always try and think about that too of like how that happened so quickly because I didn't expect it and I didn't want it. And it happened so I think that's exactly you didn't want it. Yeah, you weren't looking for it. You didn't want it and it just happened, so someone could say to me look at Kaitlyn Bristowe she jason right away right and yeah. Everyone's on her own journey. It's clearly working out for you so happy for Gama's best with him. He's great. Let them know. But yeah, that sure that can happen like I had a client, and she said to me, but my sister you know. She's single and she had just gotten off the heels of a pretty toxic relationship and Were teaching her the thought work and everything she but. It just sucks like my sister went through heartbreak, and she did a couple of therapy sessions, and she met her husband, and has two kids and I'm like, but that's her journey. I'm here to just say. Your journey right here right now. What do you want to be in the result of being over him? And you can't want what other people have, but everyone does especially when it comes to their love life. Yeah, for sure. I just. Had a consultation with someone last night, and she was like twenty eight, and so like I. Feel like if you're if you're not getting married when everybody else is. Doing the whole bridesmaid thing get eight million other who headings and not yours. Then you're on a journey got. And, I said well. I love that. That was exactly me. All my friends were starting to settle down and get married at twenty eight, and I was like I was so out of my own mind, but I can truly say at almost thirty nine and single, and take it or leave it I think the reason why I do what I do and I. Just signed client. She said listen. Listen to your podcast, and when you just had how complete and fulfilled and happy, you are sitting in your apartment alone. I was like I knew i. mean the tire you Ha-, feel fulfilled now I. Want Love in my life I'm very clear about that, but I'm also really happy alone. Yeah, and I. If someone was to say to me, know. Do you want him to come today? Percents yes, but I think the importance is I'm so in love with myself now and I hadn't been so. That's that becomes the work. It's like healing over him. And then what is it about you that you're rejecting of yourself? And how did you figure that out? Did you see a therapist and question I? went to few therapists, work and I hated all of them I was searching, and I was doing all the Yoga and meditation and. And self help books relying on my friends, driving them crazy and I went to three different therapists, and they were terrible, and it wasn't and I knew that it wasn't like Oh. Therapists are terrible. I knew it was just I wasn't finding the right ones, but I was also super broke, and so I was spending money. That I didn't have on them. Just not feeling better, one wanted to medicate me. Like right off the bat and. Yeah and I'm not anti medication but I personally have never been on medication and. No one no one said. Let's do mindfulness tools. So cut to go to La and I've interviewed her on my podcast. Ashley Graber saved. My life really went to therapy. I and we did a lot of healing of of. That relationship like started seeing her two years after that rock bottom relationship, but I also want to make clear. I've been heartbroken since that right, but to your point actually a couple years ago, I got heartbroken by who is not a narcissistic. And he was the inspiration to create the heartbreak coach Niche Okay so I been coaching before, but I kept it very general, and then when I got harper by him. I was like I. Have the tools now don't think anybody is talking about heartbreak in the way that I'm talking about it and I'm not going to be quiet about this. I'm going to. To talk about how moving through the process of this and going to love myself consciously through this because we automatically want, beat ourselves up and say what if I did that? What if I didn't say that to him? What if I did this differently? What if I didn't get angry that one night or whatever and it's like no everything unfolded perfectly yeah. That's it's just so interesting. How so many people relate and how everybody goes through this, but everybody feels so alone so alone, and you feel like you're a crazy person to have all these thoughts I for my clients all the time like crazy, or what's wrong with me? That I'm still thinking about him. The only thing that's wrong with you is that you think that there's something wrong with you. Yeah, really and truly yeah, you just, and that's really what I learned from Ashley I is loving compassion of myself with what is and making peace with the pain, and then the coaching comes in with how. How do I transform the story with my mind with thought tools to really commit my brain to the future version of myself, being healed, happy whole and independent and transforming my victim story into my heroine's story like I can honestly say Caitlin that rock bottom story where I was a shell of a human inside, and out is the best thing that ever happened to me early, and it took me a long time to get there. There were the three or four years following that again, because I didn't really have the foundational tools. That I needed. I literally said you know. Know I've always been like everything happens for a reason like this I wouldn't wish this on anybody and I didn't open my heart for a really long time, because I was like falling in love is dangerous and I can honestly say that. In the last few couple of months I've open myself up to dating in a much more conscious way because I was very I've talked about this on my podcast married to my business for the last year because I really wanted to get to a place where it was just full practice and really commit to taking care of my podcast. PODCAST and the writing, and all of that and now I'm my heart up again. My brain still goes it safer to be alone, and it's my job to be like. No, it isn't yeah, and you know the risk of. Here's the deal I have. Many clients who say I just don't WanNa. Get hurt again and I'm like I can't guarantee you that and I guarantee myself that I can just guarantee that I. Have the tools to move through it and I know that heartbreak won't kill me right and I think sometimes. We feel like you're going to die. People have. Even talk about panic attack and like you know that. Can feel that way and know that yours came out of nowhere. Jason was with you I obviously. Just the I've had that panicky feeling like someone's GonNa. Leave me and. No I can really rain it in and move through it because. In Brown talks about this, or are you familiar with her work? You have to be willing to fall so deep and be willing to have your heartbroken again. Your heart won't be broken if you're not willing to. Let yourself fall so deep right, so is it worth it and for me? I have to tell myself I want no. You want it you. Do I do the same thing? I like even though I was. In a place where I wasn't looking because at the same time I got into this relationship with Jason I was really open and honest with him, and I told them I was like. I, I'm too scared to like fall in love again because I feel like everybody disappoints me and yeah, you're going to be so great right now, and you're going to be so in love with me, and you're gonNA, but that'll change after like six seven months, and then the other journey will start where you. I would I want that Jason back that I first met because that's what it does to me. They fall in love and they're going to be this great person and they build me up and then they take me down. And he was like I don't know who you've dated, but that is not me, and I'm like he s it is deputy. Buddy like I was still closed off and like not. I was too scared. I thought fallen in love with so dangerous, so what changed to for you to believe him? I don't know I, guess just his consistency, but. He I think he didn't make me feel crazy for that. He wanted to like. Help me through it and show me that he's not that person and so. I guess over time I, just like started believing. I still have weak moments where I think he's GonNa. Turn or do something, but he's just so like he's so secure an himself that he can like. Talk me through that and understand where I'm coming from because he has a, he has his parents who've been married happily for thirty five years. His Dad's still like just adores his mom, and they just have all had really healthy relationships and. So I think obviously I like to think well. I was eighteen, so my parents are still friends, so the divorce didn't affect me, but it does. And he can, he can actually look into why I feel those things and see how everybody's proved me right in believing that, so he wants to prove me wrong, and so he's really good at. Just, listening and talking through my struggles, yeah, I love that and as a coach and thinking of all your listeners so I just need to find a jason. Because they think that the real thing is that you had already been through a rock bottom before your last. And you said you had the tools, and you were very vocal and communicative with him, and completely like I'm not ready, and he was like I'm going to show you and you said okay, because you actually could have said no I'm out. Yeah, I'm not doing this and you could have pushed him away. Yes, and you're still eating into your vulnerability, so I just want anyone who's listening. Who thinks that the next good guy is the answer i? Don't I think that's not true. That's a really good point. I really do want people to know that, too. Because a lot of people do say like I. Just want people used to say I wanNA find my. I'd be like. INSTAGRAM. But again I don bash but like. People say that to like I wanNA find Jason and I'm like yeah, I mean. It's great, but you're so right that. We had find yourself before you will find Jason and lean, and you were leaning into your pain, and you're being vulnerable and honest, our experience and working with a therapist, doing the things and being really transparent with him. you know and so yeah, we even talk about like going to a counselor together dressed. I! That's my dream Yeah. So. Seriously because like, let's just make sure because I think that there are sneaky things that happen. Yeah, circumstances occur, and we have sneaky thoughts that kind of swimming Mac and he thought swim under the surface, and then you have a few drinks, and he says one thing and you're like. Yeah read this whole bullshit story and creates this rift between you. That was so unnecessary, but if you're just con constantly and consistently, even if it's a meeting with someone twice a month, or once a month, or just be like a check in Yeah I. think that's awesome all right? There are so many reasons why I love fall like the cozy sweaters and holidays and one huge reason that I look forward to fall. Every year is some of my. My favorite TV shows are back baby so many bendable shows that I'm obsessed with come back on the air, and Hulu has all of them right in one place, but seriously everybody who has the TV you love and all for five ninety nine a month. That's like the price of a pumpkin spice, La but instead of one beverage that doesn't even taste like Pumpkin. Sorry, I said you'll get your favorite shows I've been really into the voice lately. I don't know I think. My favorite coach is probably Blake. Shelton or maybe Kelly Clarkson Ma Kelly clocked. It's hard to decide. But who has grey's anatomy, which is an all-time fave, Oh and this is us if you're really in the mood to shed some tears, which I always am and can't forget family guy. Family Gang goes. No I feel about family guy, so if you love TV, as much as I do, and don't want to miss the new stuff, go to Hulu, Dot Com and start your free trial today, if somebody keeps proving you right and hurting you, and then coming back and just be like okay, but now I'm going to therapy and now I want to go to therapy with you. Do you believe them? It's hard to say because every situation is unique in an in and of its own right, but I think if someone keeps good doing it and going back and going back, and then they're like, but now I'm going to therapy. Call me in six months and we'll see if something's changed right, you know because I think when someone finally does go to therapy. Is GonNA come up. And it has nothing to do with you on the receiving end if he's going and doing his work, and then if he's connecting the dots, but also trying to figure out how where you fit in I, think that that's really hard to do, and then you're kind of waiting there being like, but he's doing the work on himself, and especially I'm speaking from point of view of. An an unmanaged empathic mind and heart right like Oh, he's doing the work. And I have the capacity to hold all this love for all of this dysfunction and pain that needs having. But then I I'm just conscious of anybody who's listening, and if you've been in a relationship with someone for five years and he's going to therapy now. You may want to stay, but also like just. Are you in therapy? Are You doing the work? Are you wanting to be really clear of that? I just think if someone keeps coming back. And second you back in and discarding coming back, and saying back in discarding you and narcissist will take like when they really think that they've lost you, they will take. That sucked back into the next level by saying something like like. Oh, but now I'm going to therapy, so it's like. Oh, no, it really is different this time and I think that that's where I just talked about this with my therapist on my own podcast. Can you get really quiet with yourself and I think a lot of silence and inward work, and really listening to your gut and your intuition. Do you really believe that that's the answer I even thought about a break up from a few years ago and He really just up with me abruptly after saying that he like talking about marriage and a future, but he was going through his own shit, and some people were like there's no way he's done with you. You know, and because I'm so. Off Course? How could he possibly be? He was done. But. When they break up with you and you're just like. Also because they literally, he was just saying I. See Myself Falling in love with you so quickly and he wrote me. We were struggling obviously in two days before he broke up with me, sent me this beautiful text message. That was just like I fear that you think that I'm not putting in the work as much as you are, and I want you to know that I want I mean just like he was really trying. I was really trying, and then he just was like I'm done and. Where am I going with this? We just said. Why am I bringing? Oh people saying I think he'll come back. And I said if he comes back, I would know the difference. He would have needed to have done a lot of work on himself to really show up in the way because he was doing a lot of hot and cold. I think there's a whole other thing I'd love to diagnose my ex's but dismissive. Avoid an attachment behaviour. Not, not, a an evil human, but just hot, hot, hot, cold, cold, cold, push push push boy I really really want you I i. don't know I'm scared yet. He is broken up with every single woman that he'd ever been with, and he was thirty eight years old right red. Flag Yeah. I entered with eyes. Wide Open I'm like I know this man wants a commitment side. Note my best friend Solomon bumble and she was like I. Think this is your accident. She had never met him in person. Yeah, and I was like Oh. My God totally and what do. So unattractive when I think about like the person I'm new leasing now like the difference in like. An, yeah, amazing. Isn't it nice to feel that? Yeah. Yes, I was just like so not attracted, and he was like down to Earth Blah. Blah Blah I'm like. Oh, yeah, good luck with that. But I think you would know the difference if someone had really done himself. I'm friends with a couple of exes. Over the years, one has done so much work on himself, and we're just good friends now like if he wanted to date someone I'd be like yes, yeah, like he had done a lot of work. And we understood like why. We attracted each other at the time and the drama that happened, and you can just tell when someone has a ton of awareness, and is really clear about the blocks that have held him back or the blocks that have created the behavior of the hot in the cold or all in and then dropping, so there is. Is a possibility for people to change if they put in the work. Yes, but don't wait for him to do it like. If you're ready and willing to do the work I mean during my rock bottom. My Mom's like you're meditating urine therapy. You're doing all these things. What's he doing? Yeah, you know like you have to. Both really want to be committed to doing the work and I think that it's a slippery slope to be like. Oh, he's going to therapy. And also you know great in that effort, but is he going to the right therapists is? There's a lot of shitty coaches a Lotta shitty that's out there like. Is he going to one where? He's really implementing the change right so yes, it is possible to change, but I don't sit around and wait for them to do it. Yeah is my my stance. I like that yeah. We'll be right back with more off the vine rape. Share the. All, right, if you guys like my show, you're gonNA. Love Heather debrosse world on podcast one. The former real housewives of Orange County turned. bestselling author is coming at you two times a week to share her stories about life and chats it up with some fabulous guests over some chaps. You don't WanNa. Miss a second of at checkout. Heather rose world every week on apple podcasts and podcasts one. Now back to off device there. Know everyone should go read the full articles if they want to know everything about these subjects, but I wanted you to quickly. Tell me about some of these articles you've written and what you'd recommend for the following topics K.. K. How to tell your with Mr Wrong. Oh. First of all again, listen to your gut. and I think right off the bat when they're expressing all these over the top feelings for you. They can't possibly know that they feel that way. They don't know you got. We get so carried away with the fantasy like. Is it nice to be like I? Like this about you? You're really beautiful like whatever that they show up and. Are Consistent sure, but just when they're planning the rest of their lives with you. I think that's a red flag which is so confusing because you're like what did he is really into me? And then I also think when they flake right, or if you can't if you're an this is for if you're really wanting to be in a relationship right, but if you're dating someone and they can't like lockdown time, see you or your wondering. Like what am I gonNA? See what about if you're engaged to them living with them, they can't lockdown it. Is that you're not starting. Yeah but I'm like that would. Make, you. Yeah, that's a problem. Yeah, like sweet. Now I see that where I'm like Gosh if you know if you're. Someone and they can. That's a huge red flag. Yeah, yeah, I hate not knowing when that said. Let's say you have a date on Friday night and went really well, and it's now Monday and you're like I. Don't know what I'm going to see him like. Calm down right like you, but if it's Thursday, he's like. What are you doing tomorrow night i. I think that there's something to be said about boundaries with your time. Yeah, I'm a very busy person so i. do need a little bit of time in advance and I really liked my precious time with my friends and the people I'm dating person. Dating is really important to me and I am knowing that we have a plan is important to me. But, if you're asking me on a Thursday to hang out, that night or Friday hang out at night like it's. I'm not available. So really, and that's for me right so. Sure what does work but just not being so available for them whenever they feel like it on a whim I also think when they're just constantly talking about themselves, and not really checking in with you and asking you how you are in your life is, and it's just all about them as a big red flag. If. He's constantly hiding his phone from you, but that's really. Not a great sign. Think you've now. You know deep down in your gut when things when he's not, you know like you can tell pretty quickly. If you work on being self aware, you could tell pretty quickly if a guy is not a good match for you totally I. Think it's just about paying attention. I mean you know better than me like paying attention to those all the little things that you would. Would not want in a relationship, and then on the flip side of this like Mr Wrong. We think of Mr Wrong is like the bad guy, but what if you're just with a nice guy and you're super inboard? Yeah, like, but it's just nice to have someone all shit. Go enjoy yourself. Yeah, but if like downtime like the guy I'm newly seeing, we're just like chilling and watching Netflix. Oh. Really. Yes, like I just love Lico soaking in the so the so called boring moment like I just really appreciate the simple moments. Where we going to dinner. And what are we doing accident like? I just the downtime for me especially because I'm tired lot. Do not and so just to like. Relax into someone's arms, and not necessarily feel like I have to be on. Yeah right so if you're just like. This is kind of. It's just I. Know Him just leave him and you're. Wanting to be bored with someone else versus just bored with yourself is a problem for you. It's not about him. That's a good point tail. And how successfully? With benefits so fun, it could be so fun, and this is so controversial. I got a lot of heat for this article La. Yes. I. Think because people are like Oh. That's disrespecting your body or that doesn't work or whatever. First of all human beings I know you agree with this for everything that you have been yeah. If we want to have sex have sex, yeah, I'm sorry. Shame me, troll me all. You want yeah, because. This group of vinyls they won't try and. I love you guys. But. I could I just think you got to be really savvy with you're doing it with. Yeah, so there are. Definitely people that I have done that with that and it's like I am so clear like I. Did with Mom and Dad definitely don't listen? I definitely had that with an axe, and like the next morning. He would be like cuddly and I'm like Oh, we ought to go. I was so clear that I loved him as a person. Love the history that we had but I was just like you. No, you don't even, but he's so sweet that maybe he didn't want to. And he felt he should know. Yeah, like and put. It was so mutual. Yeah, even if he was cuddling me like there's just like a love there, but it is not the same kind of love and just getting my needs met him getting his needs met, and like he'll tell me. Oh, I'm in a relationship right now that like we can talk about our dating experiences. Obviously, we've never when either of us is in a relationship, but. Getting super clear that you are really just friends. And I used to believe this to be possible, but no really get clear like. Are you just looking to get your needs? Man? Yeah, and then also don't text him incessantly and don't let him text you. or Because then you're getting confused. It becomes a gray area. Yeah, I, also think friends with benefits should not be a regular thing with the same person that also gets confusing and finally my stance on this is let's say you do start hooking up and you're like wait. Do I have feelings really got clear on that and you are starting to have feelings. You've gotTA stop. Yeah so you have to be really savvy with yourself, but. The people were saying that doesn't work. That doesn't laugh might not work for some people, but it might work for some people if you allow your mind to go to the right place, and if you have the conversations with the person going through a drought. What works I not. I agree with that and some people can do that on their own and some people can't. Each their own I hate. Trouble for that kind of thing, because like you're not saying everybody should do it. You're saying. It workable. Yeah, really don't bullshit yourself. Yeah, exactly all right so as you guys likely know by now I, struggle with anxiety in. Pretty much daily life and I've tried to be open about it because I think it's important to talk about the fact that a lot of us struggle with anxiety. Stress Pain, trouble sleeping. It's important to know that you're not alone. I've been looking for solutions to help me with my anxiety and one that I have discovered recently is called fields which I'm excited to tell you about this new sponsor, because feels is premium CBD. CBD delivered directly to your doorstep. So what it does is naturally helps reduce stress, anxiety, pain, sleeplessness I know that it's really been helping me a lot lately to sleep better and calmed down when I'm feeling anxious and I love the fact that it's a natural solution at typically a good sleeper when I do sleep, but I wake up with anxiety. It's so bad I. think it's really easy to take to you just place. Place a few drops of feels under your tongue, and then you can feel the difference within. Why would say minutes? I love how quickly it works for me. Personally. Another feature that feels offers is a free CBD hotline and Text Message. Support to help guide your personal experience I find that super helpful especially, if you are new to CD, and like I said, before feels works naturally to help. You feel better, no high hangover. Hangover addiction none of that, so join the fields community to get feels delivered to your door every month. You'll save money on every order, and you can pause or cancel at anytime. Feels has me feeling my best every day, and it can help you to become a member today by going to feels dot com slash vine, and you'll get fifty percent off your first order with free shipping. That's F. E. A. L., S.. Okay well, let's get to confession. Because we have to do that, and and and then we're going to play a game, and then we'll do questions from listeners. Okay, so my confession is dedicated to my best friend Heather. Who Said you have to tell this story is? The buildup is big because it's not actually about what happened. It's really what I said okay. I'm already getting. That means it's a good confession. Well, you know you love it tooth story. That you call, a tutor is everything I don't. Call it that for you. It's cute. Cute okay, so I was my God I already feel anxious like my heart. really telling this story. I was going on a hike with my boyfriend at the time of years ago and It was super hot in La. Yeah, and I had my water bottle. He had his water bottle. And this is a testament. What is shitty boyfriend he was he had like a warm room temperature water bottle, which basically was hot, got to the hike, and I had like ice cold water. Bottle and he drank the whole bottle pre the hike. Oh, and then for some reason we forgot the other water bottle, and it was like a two hour hot. Haya and we start going up. We climbed to the top all the things and I was starting to feel really dehydrated. Yeah, a little Gassy Yeah Yeah. And so we were coming back, and then I was like which which is the lesser of the two evils run, and potentially like faint from dehydration, which has happened to me, but yeah, or just like walk, and take it easy, and I was like I. Just need to run or whatever? And then as we were running down I like kind of tripped and rolled over my ankle and totally. League loud super loud. WHOA, are you okay, I? I had tripped also, he was like a Germaphobe like with gross to how you know this guy. That was like cool. And I had rolled over my ankle as it happened and. You. Doesn't. Swear. I can't wait this better. Be Good. Are you okay and I? It's just like rolled-over Michael. You didn't even acknowledge them part. It's clearly that's the sound that happens. Rollover Ankle. Pretended that I was like? Yeah, that was just the ankle cracking. God and then that's when he never talk to you again. With I. Just don't understand why. I hate if guys are like. Guys can't handle girls farting. I'm like. Get over it I. do like to keep that especially in the beginning. But like I I was especially cautious of him because he's just like everything's gross to him and like dirt, and all the things like he was just like like anal retentive nobody. About like all that Shit, nobody so I was just I couldn't i. Oh, my God but I rolled over my ankle. My best friends like will not let me that. Did you roll over your ing? That's what I'm going to call it now and I I just rolled over my ex. Funny premise it with your fault, Dude. You drank my water, yeah! Yeah, totally totally his fault for your toot and ankle. That's so funny. I think my favorite part of that story. I was just trying to get it out like laughing so hard. then. There's Jason this morning I was like showing Rachel I like. My my girlfriend's here from new. York and I love Rachel she's. She's here in the room and I was showing her. This like gift closet that I have like full of goodies. And the doors open and it was right by. My bedroom and Jason's like? I like in the bedroom. And also. Of course. You know you're in there and he was like. And then I go in and the easiest proven with the doors open. And I was like. Oh, you. Are you pooping news like yeah. Oh I'm sure he'd love. You're telling this story is going to murder me. Absolutely murder me, but it was just so funny, because I'm like okay and were there. And it doesn't bother me, so some people might think that's so disgusting and I'm like Oh. I think it's blue together own were there. Like find it hot that he did that. Looking at. The level. Yes okay now. I have a game for you. The game is relationship. dealbreakers are the following relationship dealbreakers for you. Okay, that's not really a game. It's just more. I hope I win. Yeah, you're GONNA win this. He uses a lot of emojis in his text messages. No No dealbreaker, okay, he won't tell you the passcode for his phone. I have a problem with anyone who needs the passcode for his phone. I agree with that. I don't know Jason's passcode and I don't. That's a problem. I don't know it because I'm like what if I needed? I'll just use his face idea and put up to his face and. But here thing if I'm like. Oh, I need something. My phone died. What's your password and he's like I'm not giving that. That's a deal breaker. I wouldn't be like I'm breaking up with you, but I'd like. That's a problem right red flag. His mom still does his laundry. Weird the again, not a deal breaker, but I'd be like wouldn't separate. Trump. He tells you that he's cheated in the past. That's a problem for me. Okay I. mean if we would appreciate again. I was just asked. This question is you know are are all cheaters narcissist and I think look at the end of the day Let's say someone's been married for twenty years. They have three kids. Both people have jobs in their marriage was. was kind of asleep at the wheel. And then you meet someone on a business trip or at work, and they light you up again. I understand how that happens and I don't think that that makes you. A narcissist or bad person I think that means to. People are asleep at the wheel. Is it salvageable? Yes, if you both want to figure it out? Cheating is definitely a deal breaker for me. I think with what I do now and where I'm at in my life, I can't imagine being asleep at the wheel in my own relationships, but. If you cheat in the past, I would need a lot more information but I. Yeah I. was about to say something might new situation. I'M NOT GONNA show. I like it keeps private and he follows some pretty graphic accounts on instagram problem. That's a problem for me. I agree like I. Don't need to follow hot guys and get. What do you get from that nothing? Looking at guys with like imagine just followed. Guys who had big dicks Yelich Jon Hamm Yeah. I feel like. I. I think his Dick has. An actual instagram account Oh. Yeah, imagine like what. I really don't, but yeah I get what you what you mean it just. I. Always think like what are you still like in highschool like needing to follow these? Yeah, that's. I agree. he is digs with next X. That's on there, okay. He's addicted to his phone. It's not. A deal breaker so funny I was actually just coaching client on this last night. Her Guy is always on his phone. I mean I like to be present with my guy if he's constantly on his phone. That is a problem. Yeah, for sure yeah, and then being friends with an next I'm friends with XS. I. I think you really have to know your man and I think for me. I am so clear that the two friends that I am friends with. Friends I'm friends with? That they talked to me about their dating lives, I tell them about mine that it really is platonic and that if the person I'm dating was in the same room as as myself in the EX's. Feel totally comfortable. And I just think now as I'm newly dating, it's like. Do you just fully trust this person and you choosing to trust this person I just would appreciate the transparency. I'm yeah I I've already made it clear to the person. I'm dating. That's so important, said the Brown, the boundaries and I always say from my. I did a podcast in New York with this girl who is a therapist. And she said it's about boundaries, and your negotiable and non-negotiables. I love it, and it's like you just set that up from the get go and the. But the non-negotiables can sometimes change yeah. Because like if you find. Again it's too early to say, but you'll have to bring me back. Yeah, I'm marriage, it progresses. Yes, there are things about him. That I've learned. That weren't a part of my plan for the future. And I'm really looking to be with someone who I want certain things with, but like I also feel this amazing connection that I'm like Oh life offers you different. Presents you with different opportunities, different people and I've always lived a very unconventional life commitment to my friends and so. You know is the person worth it for you to adjust to what you thought. Without sacrificing who you are at your core. Data Guy from the bachelor world I'd say that so many times. Thousand non negotiable for me, but our Jason also totally broke the. One, hundred percent just made so much sense. Yeah, yeah, thank you, thanks for being here for this podcast and and let everyone know where they can find you like instagram and how they can sign up if they yes. Everything, but I before I do want to say I adore you and graduations for the People's choice nomination, and just I'm so happy for you for the life that you've created and I wanted to come on here, because I wanted I respected your vulnerable I have I've watched since farmer Chris. Journey and have loved you throughout. All of it and I think what you do is so amazing and your fun and your spirit, and you just stood out again and I. Love so many of the bachelor, but you are just such a standout person for Bachelor, nation, your transparency and vulnerability throughout all of it, and then watching your fairy tale, ending is just so beautiful inspiring so I'm an I'm just so honored to be here and like chat with you. It's like. Dream Come true so. Assuming. Nice. Thank you for saying that really and truly you're unbelievable keying. We'll now you're going to have a new friend goes. 'CAUSE I. Feel like we really hit it off. I I knew we would. Let so sweet! Thank you for saying that seriously, and it's not bullshit is actually trip they? I feel that I feel that. But people can find me at Clare. The heart coach on I g Clare is a I r e the heartbreak coach, and you can find me also. You couldn't go to my site. Clare The heartbreak coach Dot Com, and my podcast is called how to stop wanting him back. You can find it on spotify tunes. You can also find it on my website. Awesome and. Email and everything is there and yeah. It's a six month one on one coaching program. I don't coach for any longer. Any less I do contracts with clients. If you've got more to do more. But I don't do less than that because I'm really looking to work with women who not only want to like. I just got an email the other day and was like I. Need Advice on what to do in this. Break up so much bigger than that right I really want to. Help Guide you to heal your heart, but also fall in love with yourself, and yes, sure create space for Mr Right to come in or miss right to come in. But then it's like if your brain isn't consumed with. All the things. Mr Wrong didn't all the heartbreak. then. What do you do with your brain right? I can create so much more in your life. So that's what I'm really passionate I love that I love what you do and you're obviously I love that you're passionate about it and that you are held because that is a lot to take on in a day, and and you gotta be the right person to do that, so thank you so much. You're such. Thing. Thanks for listening to off the vine grapes therapy tune in to hear new Minnesota, every Thursday and checkout new full length episodes every Tuesday exclusively on podcast, one dot com, the podcast, one APP and subscribe on Apple podcasts. Grape therapy sponsor review for this Thursday, Lacroix, enjoy lacroix sparkling water, Calorie, sweetener, and sodium, innocent beverage with nothing, artificial neum visit neum dot com slash fine to start your today the last weight loss program you'll need and Hulu. Hulu has the TV. You love all for only five ninety nine a month. GO TO HULU DOT COM and start your free trial today.