# 366 - Kyle Dunnigan & ME

Automatic TRANSCRIPT

Can show him Buffalo Pittsburgh Two shows on the twentieth October Twenty Four Th Virginia Beach October Twenty Four for a second show at Virginia Beach on the twenty fifth at the lyric in Baltimore before we start the podcast body shots world tour is coming to this week Syracuse October eighteenth at the landmark theatre October nineteenth in buffalo nineteenth again for a second Addi Columbus Chicago Fort Wayne Fresno Reno Las Vegas Salt Lake City Cleveland you know the deal let's start the podcast I have social anxiety disorder and I don't like signing up for classes I get nervous I get anxious and I just don't do it but because you know aw I don't take is brand new podcast it's the beam in October we've ever done why 'cause I I think it's changing my DNA said that too much now surfing or the tactical firearms I did all of those I've had so much been welcomed into them so I haven't had the nerve Bert Kreischer who machine with a new found energy midway through sober October feeling fucking fantastic I'm telling you right now this is my favorite and say I would like to learn how to spearfish he teach me it's someone going like dude yeah I follow sober I'd love to do let's do it I it's been so much fucking aiming you listen to what I'm saying don't fucking really rise me listen to what I'm saying please that energy is where my brain goes do it all the time in worth it I'm not going to do it so I don't do like if I went into spin class they'd be like Sorry this is for like not fat is fuck people like if I wanted to do pilates go I'm sorry I don't I'm going to that is is the reason I don't even look into it and that that no no come on talk to Tom and he was like let's do a spear fishing trip all like off the coast Catalina like I would love to do that and I was like can you give you can do that off Cadillac I don't know but I have used the phrase it changes your cultural DNA when you go to a place like Vietnam vacation travel But yet is changing DNA tab bit in that I haven't I would never normally do that's Cranston now I am a person that goes I'M GONNA call and ask as opposed to someone who never did that six while you're doing a class say that to you now wait a mad I feel like sometimes like I think I told it to Tom where if I signed up for Surfing Class- that's what everybody has that about something and that is my point about how great this October it 'cause it's allowed that dialogue is shutdown okay good I've been allowing myself to do stuff I'd get there and the guy be like a Bro I don't teach grownups how to surf I teach kids the fuck you already grown up why are you asking to learn how to this isn't imagined thing that's where my brain goes because Joe's podcast is as big as it is and people know that that's what we're doing and and a lot of the classes that I'd like to sign up for our fans of Joe's spearfishing or Russian and on a certain level it's giving me permission to grow as an adult and I love it and I wanted to change my lifestyle I wanted to change my lifestyle and that I wanna go spearfishing herbs and at least I have like a default where I go it's my thing I'm doing classes as Mont as opposed to letting I told you this the other day were people were go you fucking and then got stuck in a framework of of say ten things I was socially acceptable allowed to do in my head you know I could definitely Dunblane like that's I'm afraid and by the way those people do fucking exist of course they do and and so afraid of that and getting a green light to be able to go out I I I've always said changes your cultural DNA when you go to places like Vietnam being sober no I'm confused and then now I'm cool going to hot yoga's in Chicago and just showing up as opposed to them I'm why are you wearing socks it's the inner dialogue and I I'm not jumping on your host into a comedy club I could definitely go into a bar I wasn't I could go to a hot spin I had a hard time going hot yoga until we signed up to do it you don't feel like I'm blaming you but that inner dialogue were you said that that is representative of how I've always felt and the fact this Tober is allowed me to shut down that inner dialogue finding qualified applicants so he switched to Ziprecruiter Ziprecruiter doesn't depend on candidates finding you it finds them for you it's technology identifies Eh see why Ziprecruiter is effective for businesses of all sizes trust Ziprecruiter for free at ziprecruiter dot com slash burke cast new director of coffee in just a few days with results like that it's no wonder four out of five employers who post on Ziprecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day when you use ziprecruiter the smartest way to hire right now to the podcast Kyle Dunnigan is absolutely who is it kile don again I've known since Since I first started comedy we started talking about that I think one of the first nights I ever this is ziprecruiter hiring can be a slow process cafe Torre Zeo dill ms quids needed to hire a director of Coffee Ganic Coffee Company but he's having a hard time and I know Tom has we did we did we've done a couple of classes together I think meantime before Tom goes to Europe Andrew to go with me it's just been great it's what I was trying to say is it's been great I'm glad it's been great today's podcast is a great one eight writer he's guys had like nineteen different lives and different asper all talk about him a little bit more when we get ready to guest today's podcast is brought to you by supply he also used recruiters candidate rating feature to filter his applicants so he could focus on the most relevant ones and that is how Dylan found is mazing dude just a guy that never brings drama when you run into him it's always fun it's always silly it's always goofy and just as a solid all-round guy the people with the right experience and invites ended apply to your job so you get qualified candidates Fast Dylan posted his job on Ziprecruiter and said he was impressed by how quickly he had great kid for a long time he blew his spot up to me and Rogan and Ram we all started replacing but man none of us found Kyle funnier than Joe Joe in my house is like a disaster here now okay cool we're not going to be much longer than that Joe's silly side is is is is such a part of his personality that I think sometimes not everyone sees they see the podcast but God dammit man log is very exhilarating and empowering I've really enjoyed this sub rock tober are thought a great deal we're GONNA try to do a couple together and I've been doing on the road with enforcing Ron and Shane and bill bill fucking Dave blessing to have in the comedy community more guys should fucking be like Kyle Dunnigan Oh yeah I think so why because he's a sweet dude that's ziprecruiter dot com slash Bart C. A. S. T. ziprecruiter dot com slash. Burt cast congratulations. But I just had to move a waterline funnier house five feet over so the dwp you can cut all this out Halston I I I I don't remember we did this podcast a little bit ago and I don't remember if I say this is I'm sure I should but I've always said Thomson has been a big Kyle Dunnigan fan we all went to dinner and we talked about holding deals and Kyle so fucking funny he's great on on instagram he really is and he's an amazing comedian these you nonstop that would drive me nuts I would love that people right next thing you're saying who admire may I would love that here's my went and watched comedy he was with Zach Galifianakis and and dammit who's he with John Bush eight hundred a month I think that's awesome guy we just looked at a house over just south of Moorpark great neighborhood you really are you really thinking about doing that I'm dealing away why would you never never in a million fucking years faulk home now give me a aw that's what you want things to happen for him that's great yeah and you're GonNa Love This Conversation Ladies and gentlemen without further Ado Kyle done again heil dug into his silly side and joe riposted all of his videos if if not all of them the majority of them and Joe Loves Kyle we all of Kyle Kyle is and distinguishing between an estimation in an estimation can be a little tricky Gina. Really I thought it was a good financial but it's Oh my God i would never do that a million fucking years I would never you rolling roll this is good stuff we the woman is an an an esthetician is that when you cleans people's faces out that was new drugs to pass out for surgery just have to dig it and then permanent pipe so it can I can I have my guys do they'll do it for in her box and there's just a monopoly six thousand two hundred dollars that's a good navy grew up poor good Halston and I mean he get a bit on the House on a thing but yet is not dinner about we're being you're gonna get emails now about an institition stuff is that how it works that'd be not interested in anyone there's a warlike guy who's super interested so they give me an estimate of six thousand two hundred dollars to move at five feet over it definitely get your guys do you guys on my guys do it you have yeah I mean I love and do that with products you do I love when it's like sometimes I'm so stupid used to have a joke about all the punch was there news man if you looked at my news like if it s the next the next shaming Oh yeah it's going to be they're going to pull up titian she's an S. tradition anesthesiology that's what she's a nasty that's a great rental unit right there I thought so but looking at prices it's not a big place three hundred and thirty square feet coming from inside my home I'm that stupid were like I go like how did they know I wanted fucking Nike SP's up in I'm definitely on the side of the DWP above your neighbor I wanna make sure I have watered to help your mind six thousand two hundred dollars in these doesn't have break you out a little bit though loving I love it would treadmills bills this is but then they do it with get today want to make sure it's good to have a guy come out and be a super supervise it okay what they're doing probably on the side of the DWP. I don't know how we're an hour but I just WanNa make sure then we didn't my garage right now you re doing your garage yeah it'd make it a rental not pasteurizing what's the thing when you put bubbles in something from Asian I get a lot of fermentation videos hey think that's about it this was going to happen someone's GonNa roll up like yeah I'm looking for a rental apartment the go cool you meet him you like him right there one day their friend comes over and like shut up something something alt-right which is embarrassing like so like all right propaganda video this one is Jordan Peterson debates that's a that's a lot of living in Russia they WANNA move at five feet have to build a garage on the driveway. Okay do you have the rental unit you need two spaces talk about that a lot I I'm from Google fermenting videos some fermenting commenting on a boat would be like your dream that yeah by fermenting on a boat you have no idea like what like if they could pull up all like show this is what burke risers feed looks like yeah that's the thing they're going to have all this information album and I was telling your producer what's your name Sir I didn't get it doesn't matter to be Mad Halston Halston I know right so white privilege e as real as a hillside or ordinances where do you live in La like give me a ride lived close I live across from Universal Studios in the hills right across okay that's not what's that no no no hey siri what's an estimation nothing youtube is to show you stuff that makes you happy yeah either that or it's a mix up but like obviously I'm not I'm not alright but it's always something like Russell Brand's politics that comes up on your Youtube Yeah I guess I you know you know how they say that like the Algorithm facebook is to make you angry retested this because I was out I talked to somebody we're talking about like shakes and then I was getting e mails about nutrition shakes the no sorry about tm Transall Meditation and and the next thing I got three emails about transportation I love when they do that I wish I didn't do that with news like I don't know nine close this is what it's always Rogan it's always Rogan is like my number one thing it's about if I was on a boat I've I've dreamed about living on a boat I would love to live on a boat yeah it's the number one thing I played tennis for this older guy and he said to me made probably knocks out ANTIFA supporter is it working on you do you feel you are you get Hukou stop watching him this one's tail Sunan it's anything about freaks meals I go on youtube says recommended videos for you and it's all like fat people falling down an airplane crash minority oh that's the kind of person in our boat launch videos Oh is it yeah the Auburn Faith facebook and twitter is to show stuff in your feed that gets you outraged because you'll tweet about outrageous ship interesting I think story house because I mean how much longer we're GONNA be able to work those stairs we're getting older with can you imagine dating a woman that said stuff like that on a date on the no memory that Yup John had just gotten a development deal yes I just talked to John Bush today ZAC invited me to his hotel at it was right on Gramercy Park in yeah and I was like in my head I was like okay so that's that's that's the the lane getting that lane be super talented be- Such an interesting interesting guide to me that I liked I didn't think anyone would ever get it yeah like I remember I remember when you guys were probably there everyone was in there watching something and I I got high with him and he took me through a very elaborate tour of his hotel room yeah the only way only the way that that has no fucking interesting getting about my wife is so goddamn depressing sometimes she said to me that we don't really we're looking at houses we don't WanNa no I live alone and I think I wouldn't be found for a week for really liberal there where did you grow up Connecticut okay it makes sense where do we meet New York do you remember are you and your wife have similar retirement goals because it because if you don't get divorced really I was like what's your wife's retirement golden spent time the grandkids I said was you're right he had just gotten development deal I don't know if you really yes you know the development deal they offered fifty grand and his agent was so new she was like I'll take ody's funeral but he he was so I guess he doesn't drink much anymore at all and he was just like Hey Bird Zach Zach the fuck you are I was I also tend to be with everyone else I can't remember this dinner at all Yup John Bush paid wait a minute John Lewis paid because yes you too excited I was I saw a Zaka the funeral to we had this awkward three-person hug with this girl that cheated on me with in an can I show you what I love about this hotel knows like yeah and we took on a very detailed tour of that room it was like a two bedroom room yeah and number one thing he showed did this now when I got into the business and saw the business I was like wow kaslow's a little bit of an outlier because you are a different you aren't a mainstream comic you know I feel like when I know why this happened but I started trying to do the right thing whatever reason I was a person who is just scared like what do I need to do as opposed to what am I good at and not to bring Zac but I remember talking to him and he didn't even want a was there was a bottle opener in the bathroom and you're thinking Oh this is too much no I was like I would so much rather be on a guided tour this Odell rooms fist fights both what a fucking idea just getting a boat into the water up boats I I'm a I like I'm really into boats I guess do you have about note what I was just trying to get rid of the guitar and get don't do impressions I was a more of a Dan Karbi kind of performer imagined I see John and he said why don't say hello I seem fairly often when I'm on the road because he's Minnesota Still Iowa I wanNA see team in Iowa John You and Jon Bush I don't remember meeting you do me you John Bush Zach Alvin Akkas went to dinner with ago a woman named Betsy Reeves but to do a Sitcom I thought he was lying to me and just trying to protect himself he just knew what he did well and he did that and that's powerful personable you guys were both both very funny at dinner and I remember thinking Zakho Pine never make it he's too unique and Zach Hey not to defend her and go to like that she's being practical and thing have you can get the chair that takes up the stairs all in the tub things that could have done what is the just odors actors very practical Zack. He's you know he's just I'm not by the way I barely know Zack at all anymore ran into the three of us were just really and I think she said like this is awkward or something like that but how did you like you are I was always one like what everyone's telling me where did you start doing stand up in New York the Comic Strips Lucien hated me he did I sat down with him in I wanna say we hours and then tell you you didn't pass which is Kinda Cruel but this guy was in there for hours and she came out crying and he what he said to her what you know it's like it's so funny now because I think a lot of us a steph especially myself I would never have talked about my dad back then because I was very much like don't try any humor about my parents yeah funding comical about them I was like yeah I didn't either but I kept trying this is how you have to do it yeah you bet you'll you'll work more of your fatter and she went to a party that night and she was in the kitchen next to this woman stuffing fucking face and my wife said were you could double the door yeah I've seen that top of the door I wouldn't mind one of those I think it's a solid idea most people die in the bathtub number watching guys set up their lives for a Sitcom and I was being and I'd be like oh I've definitely not that guy I don't I I didn't have it Kim believes that and the woman was like oh I heard the same idea same advice I'm just gaining weight that woman was Melissa McCarthy in a carvey trying to do it just the wrong thing for me I think that I got stuck there for a while just recently started doing more things that I do better than Ptarmigan he goes get my Dick Sucked by young on a boat and I was like I guess there's don't match up we got a divorce are you into getting a boat for my wife he live Kyle Duncan he's like the master of Instagram Oh no I'm not aware that this was a robin you know it's due to fuck in fact that people would leverage Oh that's the same guy that discovered you know Kevin Hart so yeah you can delusion like you yeah he actually and then I went back to audition for him and he wasn't there and so I went home and I was in my apartment for months just trying to be an actor which never would have happened and the door the door I tried to explain the door what we took fucking and you know what I like when you're you have it in your brain but the words aren't there standards without him I wouldn't be doing anything real is done And whatever show business and I had gone there I edition I got passed up to him having a wine a tiny tiny tiny room I thought it was a closet I it's the seismic closets it's uncomfortable and he told me I didn't have it and that I should hope he was very to the point someone told my wife that someone told my wife that and at one one night my wife would be will Kevin Hart he'll never make it and I don't know I do not see Kevin Hart's Talent is pretty obvious right away right away when Kevin Hart started yeah I was I remember back to get a deal talk about your family and that's just not set up a set of premise to a Sitcom yeah my dad's a Kinda Guy Oh quits yeah he made a lot of cry I saw more than one person come out of there crying one girl you hear this story heavy set went in there and we'll talk to you for has well you could gain another you can lose weight or you could gain another twenty five pounds make a real spectacle of yourself yeah yeah he yeah he won the big movie stars of our yeah and he was like hey good senior man had the circumstances young Zach was like my wife was at a party with Melissa garbage like fuck it fuck it yeah that sounds like the best and then even when you hear that if you WanNa work if that's what you're dreaming the Faulk but yeah Lucien told me I didn't have it and I should just go back to Florida Pierre we told a lot of great comics I think he told a two shows the twenty six Montclair New Jersey for two shows on the twenty seventh for Huntington New York for two shows at Sunday and then Cincinnati like changing your look like we have send you out in different and I was like wait I'm I'm still the same I'm like wait am I I'm not attractive get it was negotiating didn't confer with him really yeah they would have given a hundred they offer you fifty we'll go back and forth to one twenty maybe you're telling this story because I'll fuck it up someone told my wife okay either got to lose a lot of weight or gains a lot of ways like right in the middle like you're you're like the cute friend your dream isn't like I remember losing weight and and I I did I I then got healthy and lost weight and I was like you know someone's like okay he was gone so fast in New York for a month and a half and then all of a sudden he was in l. a. doing he's the guy who luckily the woman who gave John The deal she ended up being an agent Zoltan back together she was the receptionist they're called and said he's in today he never looked your tape you might as well on Monday if you can so if she called me I would be doing something else and Lucien looked like so that people can put this in perspective this is my recollection by the way my record oh that's cool mine was mine was in a church that my wife's grandfather owned across like across the street and Church Oh yeah I felt like churches our own thought they were just in the south like in small small towns someone's gotta buy that like build a church they make money off it no no no away with estee loosen yeah Lucien in in my recollection looked like the guy from from what is that I wouldn't walk my daughter's down the aisle that's like the only thing Oh yeah that's so fun though now anyway it's like okay what's a straight wedding life there they find no I think a lot of people go have these work mine was a fucking blast I purpose and it's maybe one of the worst things to get your body just starts to harden so he would just start losing fingers and awful yeah I don't know I don't know genetic googling that's knife take half zanex ringing emails about Scleroderma how's your have you ever had health concerns eighteen wow yeah they're in it Oh oh yeah my daughter had three girls fifteen year old girls in the pool last night and they were just who live but with a ponytail not as hair down yeah he he's kind of like a double seams European yeah he's taller tall skinny you just hardened stiffened from the inside of his face got very tight it's one of the worst things to get holy is that her just hereditary travel the world fucking nine times around I did accomplish more my stand up here than I ever thought I'd accomplished you had a family a family I got I've been the only thing that will make people sad has low who lived downstairs in the living in the closet now can you just pull up what real genius I remember Lucien looking like Laszlo from the as the the happen it doesn't happen no one's going to mourn for me at my funeral in the sense that they'll go like dude he did it all that's true some travel channel for nine years sunset strip trying to buy drugs put an uber or wish I I sometimes at night bird get high but I at night kids until he was like forty seven yeah I could be very inaccurate on both of those names yeah by appreciate that Mike Bullshit and and talking about boys that Saas walking back and forth and they're like where are you going and I was like I'm going to the store Georgia's like hey can we go with you and like just hang out as long hair thinning yes we got very sick you know that towards the end I did like Scleroderma Scott was that it's a sister form of why get married though yeah but I don't think they do like the traditional do they never been you've been to a gay wedding I've only been together into Hollywood like they've never been into Hollywood by themselves and then it sounds like a good thing to take them the first time line adults I thought about it for a second yeah I know there are many pass me and he came up to me and he was like listen buddy I like NPR Musavi right there are many never had an accent and I was like oh it's funny I remember him with an accent like we don't live long enough June I mean I need another ten years to really think about this about kids yeah and I don't have that time I think he'd be such undeb I I do like my nieces and nephews allott nephew but I gotta find the right person 'cause I can't I'm not going the movie Val kilmer and then where genius genius Oh yes I don't remember that movie while Okay I always think I'm GonNa die but now I'm fine do you always always think you're going to die because I literally offended I e Yes but now at age from Finland glad a good run gray and everything was good but there was like a a little bit of a entrust me I'm very trustworthy I can imagine eight the edibles it helps me sleep really debris panic no I used to I think he got a real tolerance but when I'm high that Boulevard knows like now not at a fucking all you're not going boulevard at midnight that was nice they wanted to hang alley though they just wanted to go into this they were like we've never been John Bill you just build a church and then my grandfather her grandfather went to school not Church and then they were GONNA at one point tear down he bought it and renovated it so that they can have church go word anymore and I can't imagine you not being trustworthy like you're not not not not very faithful guy if you look at the Leah I can be a girl going pat is all Baptist church is really amazing I was one of the funder nights in my life how old are your kids know thirteen I'm not comfortable way right I'm going out at night and I mean there's after shows this is not the P. Fast then I thought you know sometimes at the store things off the rails like you'll be there and all of a sudden like Oh take into the store yeah defense your work well they were they weren't going adopt a child and have you ever been in love with someone enough where you're like I would wanna make a kid with this person I got are alleged maybe a year ago almost exactly and she moved it almost always think I should get a family my high I think you'll ever have a family I you know what I know it's running late in my life but it's not late what are your king week every day and and and and Joe and Tom were the first ones to be back and forth like this is fucking genius I had I had known coming after me all I bet there is but you're not the guy I levitating okay I'd like to think that I think yeah I think I guarantee you there are a does videos it's funny people have different those videos make me laugh so fucking hard chicken but I din four days later we broke up but I thought we were going to have a fam- how did that happen so quickly will you just not compatible to lift well I'll tell you this she was so yeah and so I've known of your crib the entire time always follow you on instagram so when I saw the videos I was like already watched these Joe and Tom are finding them at the same time I'm not saying that Joe didn't like discovery on his own I will say that Tom Sequeira texted me Joe and Ari videos of you for a solid there's been in love with you for a very long time really oh yes agoura turned us onto you I'm saved my I was literally dead in the water six forty eight forty eight I are you fucking than sh- Moore didn't have kids until he was fifty who bore bill burr continue for my entire career literally before I was doing stand up is when I met you I've been aware of you even when you didn't know me and I've been following your career regardless mostly because back where I can say that a little bit yeah this tragic tragic in your thirties it's like he was so young the Ford is like well you know a cigarette I mean loves you thanked him but I I need to double double down because he really did I was no one was seeing my videos until of sucking videos your impression videos are good they're not as good as fucking co is it not kyle Craig Crag Tom and Joe were like Oh my God this is the funniest human being ever and that I'm telling you if you ever going to give someone a hug give it video yes it is good you do them when you go back to Connecticut I don't go back much so I try to make sure I get one so I know she's she's good I am I would argue she's the funniest part of the video better than it is she is so fucking good at her I don't know if their natural reactions they are I kind of that's Rogan yes because a rugged you know what you know that really is not to take credit away from Rogan you know what that really is right now the girl I was I love that character but when that character showed up on Instagram I was dying I was I could I would go onto your video ah certain points of my career you live with Chris Fairbanks I worked with Chris Live with tag I loved I loved Ig Tig I had a connections we did premium blend together the whole you know talk about your family and it was just when I saw the face swap I was like oh I could do these that that reignited that trump which is I didn't even I never even knew you're that good of an impressionist to be honest I didn't do impression I did them when I was younger and I got sort of I was yeah I I don't I look at the audience they seem very young to me now used to be the little more the people in the club or like in their mid twenties early doing my age I feel like a lot of Bros. come to my show so fucking in disturbance sometimes when you're at the store like Ron Wyden will be like throwing a party at my house now everyone let's go you always want to be like I want to be able to do that I don't WanNa be like oh I got three fucking kids yeah news and I would just scroll I mean year a year back two years back yeah there's a funniest goddamn videos thank you is that your real mom it if I can get one good impression yeah I can always make sure I'll kill because I remember like DC. Benny had an impressive wouldn't even impression he's like this is my impression of an Italian laughed so fucking hard and that character's been around for I've been doing since I've been like I I don't remember not doing that that character has been around forever and I've Been Electra of women that would love to sleep with you but but you don't you've never in my opinion come off as a guy that's like like when the me too thing happened I I can't imagine that you were like looking good one Jeff Goldblum and Jeff I mean you're so accurate when you do an impression is it just like it comes to you and then you go oh I can do that what kind of throwing something but yeah I always find it just there's not much as many ways to get into it there's the you know Roland those are the funniest fucking videos. Thank you those I like but that's my sense of humor is like I don't know ordered and I was I could never do see I find it really hard to get him into my stand up it feels so forced I've done it and in the middle of a story the bills are Bill Maher's good they speak in like a four note range basically if you could hit that range and then they place it some people are like in their no tonight and I I have you gotta be able to hear how some don't have an ear for it so if you can really I wanted to be cool when I was like twelve and I got I thought of it's kind of like a clown I didn't pressure the teachers and stuff like that and like Michael Abbott I don't give her lines because when you give her lines yes to sound like more but she naturally would yell at me like that very visit the chicken but where you kept going mom they can do in practice a couple of years when I started doing again it's so good I mean you do trump you do all the crashes you Ray Liotta rarely odors those are my two impressions but so when you say four note range like how like what do you mean like Well I am very I like musical guess what the mom that I shot when she's in the kitchen she dino's filming you remember that but but yeah she's very nasty one be off to think about or do you work out at times I hear someone talk and think oh I could probably do that if they had the same tone like Bill Maher with a similar A I wish I remember the exact airport there was a guy that was so fascinating the way he spoke and the way he has personal broken you know I've tried no really cannot he has a very high hard tone that's really hard to get Jackson stuff like that and I just stopped doing it because I felt like that was make kids you drink cool and then the whole thing with doing stand up dude going like yeah I do that if I if I'm talking to some not even realizing that mimicking them incidents offensive to do that could you do so he had to say you know do more of these and then we'll the Kardashians are yeah crash goal what are the price of impression did you do Asu more about the ear of hearing the impression yeah people who do impressions well have a good are usually good musically because they can hear interest in notes of the person I voice easiest one come up with Bill Maher's like really close to my voice Bill Maher paypal it's just like right in my race there yeah I've I've done impressions of people only because there's so there's a guy here's my impression of the only person I ever had was a vibrator and will okay that's really fucking great caitlyn actually is pretty lows I don't even know what she sounds like she should I can't maybe I've been around a lot of homosexuals in my life I mean tag and intonations of what he found important that I couldn't I wanted to tape record him so I could always listen to him and I found myself doing an impression of him to him AH I haven't tried to really work on it and sometimes I can get there like Jeff Goldblum Ida Kinda working a little bit but he's I don't know if I could ever get ought you're pretty well though like like do you think your Whoa Kness came naturally you think you're always awoke person I'm in about politics or anything she's someone that would if you if you said something off on stage I is that accurate they haven't seen her girlfriend is she also trans the girlfriend fucking hope not 'cause yeah definitely attracted to her yeah yeah she talks answers herself she did as a dude yeah she she actually I actually has aged a lot less than I don't know if that I had our mistake demy and should scars and bandages still and she was blowing up right at that moment so she was getting huge checks force envision this party scene of you guys just now Vakhin loose amy was gone all the time yeah we can she would leave and do shows and stuff IOS and some are explained to me so people talking to four no range what do you mean you're going I would love like when I first got into comedy Integra just yeah we'd hang out and until so long ago does it really at this isn't I just saw my life in this writing track and that's not why even a great job I was thankful for that when you live with tag we she his tickets I've always found tig to be someone who is I never found her to be someone super aggressive in your face four months oh I thought you and her I thought you guys all live together for like not who is a first season inside Amy Schumer really there in New York yeah I feel I can look back on my life it's like I really lived it there's a Lotta years that that have stacked up when did you start writing meaning we were never writing partners but we would hang out and writes we wrote a couple of things but we never sold anything or take no I didn't know that sometimes a logical think she's mad at them which is not very quiet yeah when I when I introduced more fun all positive all positive no negative in this but what are they creatively watching working with two of the biggest women in entertainment are I'm not hiding you them literally trying to search my brain correct answer who show I wrote the first season Oh really got from aim is and then I went to that and I just saw my track and I just was like no I want to perform so much ah shut up say I thought you fairbanks all lived in like but I would I did spend a lot of time over there but we didn't want her writing partners at the time was in your opinion who is more hands on amy was more hands on but it might be because Sarah's a new I would always tell me you might think she doesn't like you but you just have to wait a minute did you did you grow a lot living with tig I mean we only live with each other for I think riding on Sarah Silverman show and I got I would call it a midlife crisis because I suddenly it was like I gotta get Outta here all worked on inside amy yeah me Amen Tig live together into a buck bunk bed in a room is weird and we were adults and she she's just Kinda tongue-in-cheek more plastic surgery but that's just the makeup you get to wear Oh yeah I bet he got close you'd see the she's about seventy s and J. Really I dr were you looking at and I was like I wanna be I couldn't even do yeah couldn't even do that or like this is my impression a Robert Deniro anyone that had one of those they always in the mail for like three hundred thousand dollars whatever and she's living this tiny room which is funny this is weird that's created to doesn't drink room was like upstairs down the hall and we had a writer's room whereas the Amy Schumer is writer's room was we're all just together in a ruse Amy's first project and she does amy drink I knew I don't know why I said out loud and do you drink now I'm not a lot now just I'm trying to I'm trying to I've seen him as he I was I did definitely feel frustrated in a writer's room just because I want I want to perform more fun and I was actually meaning like when did when was the first time I was like man you know you'd be great riding on the show 'cause I got to be really honest I always fell anytime you wrote was a disservice all your talents because I I think you're I think you're an amazing writer to obviously I when you got found on instagram by everyone was like died it's always been it all positive let me say the differences WHO This is a tough question I'm definitely going Sarah would love Sarah Silverman in my life because amy's already has a child Oh oh yeah I told you? OCD Medicine is that whatever my OCD is and I have it probably an ad budget different ways one of the way manifest itself is in obsessing about a bit is that right the first thing yeah yeah yeah different type of show you know if you had to get one of them pregnant on accident okay okay idea also impressions I'll work on something and and sort of wake up and I'll be able to do it when I wake up I just I just told Dr Drew The reason I won't take because I feel like I I write sketch stuff and there was a little political I just my brain doesn't does your brain when like how does your brain ah like yeah like there's this had this bit I write I write most naturally story like naturally it is a I wanted to I had to leave slap that job and that's when I started doing instagram stuff you're writing for Sarah's over Michelle Nell the Hulu most naturally right comedy is it like especially stand up like do you stand up his tough I don't know why have a much easier time thinking in terms of scenes it's not out loud like a Weirdo but I'll I'll let my subconscious take care of it and I'll usually wake up with like a more solid arguably in comedy yeah what is the differences you see creatively in the way Sarah Creates Verbs Amy all positive not talking Shit Joe everyone has no talking Shit St everything's a story yeah that's my brain sees everything I think I would've made a great I think I would have made a phenomenal is by better so no I've never had to use woman vibrator either I'm doing that in Brazil in that one that went and my dick out of her an orgasm and it was just me bobbing and But Kid can you slide her these jokes on working on them up real quick yeah I do not feel like I served her show well really and and sketch but I'll feel like ooh there's something funny here with this and then I'll go to bed and ask my subconscious com writer yeah and I think I would have made a good Sitcom star in that delays around I think it's a little ship sailed for four camera multi Cam I can't see reese company is terrible it was the number one show and it's horrible you could I really feel like we sit down and write a three's company episode in an hour Those embodies was like the quintessential crazy premise address like women men. Yeah I like that show you couldn't do puzzle buddies now Tom Hanks's good though he was good os your favorite Tom Hanks movie well this is a no brainer I loved bosom buddies I was envisioned that would be some that I will get into some like that they only ran two seasons are you serious yeah but you'd see how that would run actions are always there I remember telling Pecorella story about manny from the seller yeah many many past I and even Gabes Games was good but it was like it was lacking something it was like it was like for some reason the multi cam just wasn't it wasn't popping the way Gabe just redid it oh they did and it was and by the way Fr- I have friends that were in it but just objective was so tough to watch bad it was Dr O. Easily and no one would notice the difference what a what an interesting premise he has to pretend to be gay to live with these girls got it would be an unwanted baby you're that yeah very cool you're gonNA wife okay she's GonNa come by on weekends the raiders are now forty episodes of them almost getting caught as women as exhausting you gave are we talking about here really I didn't see his I'll tell you the one day at a time in the seventies was terrible as well POPs yeah you know where you're like what Gaber we talking about Israel earlier this conversation uh what we were forced to watch these things like these are good there's four shows that's all you did multi cameras just simply lack of options that's why we like yes now I don't I mean like Gabe just did one well did you see one day at a time like in the seventies is not we've got the insider that only fucking joke I wanNA WANNA WANNA WANNA WANNA auto or will will will will never had in Mr Rogers looks good why that's he's in Mr Rogers it's a new movie oh yeah it looks awful forrest gump over real wait a minute no I don't want to jump into this yet castaway castaway is a pretty amazing hollow thirteen Wrigley since last movie right Jackie gleason did did he's been in a lot of fucking ass I'm forgetting one you're getting a guarantee big big big the best green mile I tell you I like I really liked certain scenes as a whole I wou I didn't really get into this story road to perdition Paul Newman was in that yeah do you know but I dated a girl who was from her dad was good friends with them you James Naughton his funny you think that they would be I think Paul no it'd be like I'm Paul Newman everything's good nothing in common was Jackie May Jackie The terminal I mean what a great Philadelphia I'm going with big Jane Place you bet and they all pull chickens up I don't remember that Oh I this is the new Mister Rogers C. Miss Thomas Neurology Cheers Dundee look like him yeah Marilyn Manson's named after they're like no really they had no I love goes it's over and I went yeah she goes that's I think I've seen volunteers is one of my favorite movies Oh yeah I live with John Candy they're all playing cards and these gentlemen Broadway actor guy and they did clap Naji I live down the street and their friends who lived in Westport Connecticut and he thought he was terrible in that was he showed at this House the documentary yes you did nor didn't you didn't see that Mr Rogers documentary really good really yeah does it was Mr Rogers Gay Day never now they never really say this in this one the trailer he's a cam doing an expose on Mr Rogers and his girlfriend guesses laying in bed with him as she goes don't you ruined my childhood Sharon Tate what those like we Manson's family is no Marilyn Manson I go he's catch me if you can you've got mail angels and demons sleepless in Seattle inferno male with sleepless in Seattle part two yeah I liked it and I want to see it again didn't get into the story until the last ten minute yeah the last an expert by the way the movie is completely lost on a thirty it was like self deprecating and he was talking about how they never pay him money like everyone is just miserable hangs you know the in fifteen year old who are unaware of the murders I write these look like this why were they in this like so into the expose guy he's exposes Roger's guarantees like Get to the bottom of who this creep is yeah I don't know yeah that's weird I must be so confusing so confusing if you don't new the message so eight best Tom Best Tom Hanks be waiting I'm GONNA pull them up associate he was really good it was very summer he passer party does not translate I know not the name named Yeah it drives people nuts I do that and I I have to apologize a lot living by yourself now I know it's weird living by yourself you know at this very sidebar but I think I'm going to share it sometimes my brain goes off in ways where I just go like random fucking try to claim that he had a emotional distress snake roll reads middle reads what are they these are mid roll reads welcome to sober October powered by whoop by far the most accurate where it will device I've ever worn I started wearing other I will say names other wearable devices nine years ago I am mm combines a wearable device with state of the art software to help athletes and high performance operators improve recovery training and sleep and make better lifestyle choices with real time feedback on your body and let me tell you something I am addicted to my fucking whoop I wake up every morning and check my whoop to see much sleep ask if a dog is he can't y you have a dog it just can get on a plane and it really is I saw dude in Laguardia Thought Oh yeah I think that's the way I think that's why I think Stanford's have the ability to do that is like be non sequitur constantly yeah I think those are the funnest sets you can have use the code sober October that's one word sober October to get fifteen percent off your order woop works with the best from the NFL to the navy seals but the insights got I looked to see how my recovery is I take a look at my strain at the end of the day and my strain as an older twelve I hop on the treadmill to get it over twelve this is observe one by I don't hate him I don't hate 'em but when you have kids oh you WANNA make sure they're going to meet the parents all on the whoop team and you can follow along with us and join our team join whoop and get on the team get the whoop strapped three point Oh for free when you join go to whoop dot com and who among them is the real dad and who's the bad dad this is a damn funny show and these guys are trust me these guys are hilarious and so he was saying no no this is my my emotional and it was interesting to watch the guy at the gate handle it I think he handled it well he was like I let no more it feels in Malacca I was on a plane one time in first class and a first class Obermann pincher in first class took a shit and I team at whoop dot com go sober and watch what happens hey did you know comedy central has a new podcast called your two dads with Sean Julian host Julia McCullough and Sean Billion for comedy central's idea of parenting podcast figs is an amazing company that is making scrubs stylish and functional for people who deserve Br Paul Newman was saying this Oh really yeah Oh show and Paul Newman thought he was terrible does no one no one's relaxed and thinks that's so obsessed with my whoop I absolutely cannot live without it I bought leanna whoop Leeann wears her whoop to track her sleep yeah I love I love that whoop I just got a good night's sleep last night and you can tell you it's amazing and almost gets in your head you go to workout you're like whoops says I'm ready for this loop net is Joe Thomas Oriented Okay I don't want to not want to roll the dice on some fucking I got lucky my dog is healthy and beatifying yeah detail on the road with you sometimes really I to all of us see how your body responds to stresses good and bad alcohol good and bad and then just to live better get a whoop checkout because I really think I would have loved doing that podcast in their podcast they share crazy stories about parenting with other comedians writers and actors who also happen to be you're not a dad you're still gonNA love it but if you are a dad you know dad or you're looking for your dad you'll love it even more subscribed the your two dads Sean as we know they're like a really stylish sweatpants about makes sense close comfortable shift islands nurse closed date fixes donated hundreds of thousands of sets in over thirty five countries speaking of giving figs mates makes a great gift for the lifesaver in your life at the most for years nurses doctors dance other awesome medical professionals were forced to where scratchy ill-fitting scrubs they're not only ugly they were uncomfortable and they weren't design O'Connor are comedians and longtime best friends who also happen to be dad's guy the way I love the idea of this podcast I really do I always say podcast when I became a d US home I got up and started circling and I'm like this is about things you could see the owners happening it's a funny time where you can wchs Thanksgiving back to every time you shop at figs they give scrubs to a healthcare provider in need around the world through their threads for threads initiative Comedians first and foremost dad second these guys are not experts but they are funny and their kids are still alive so in my book that counts for something and if you something figs is changing that entirely did you not read the beginning part of this we not listening me when I said they are updating and if you know someone who's a dentist nurse doctor some other great medical professional figs gift cards are available so the next time you want to say thank you to them that easy by providing you with fifteen percent off your first purchase by using my Promo Code Burt get ready to love your scrubs head to wear figs dot com dads and even if you moms on top of that they also forced their guests to eat and review baby food role play bad parenting scenarios from the news and figure out who can eat edible kind of dog rescued a pug July rescue you had to you can't just buy they're so good and with innovative technical properties to protect and hold life saving tools figs actually you wear my figs. I slept in them one night on the tour bus it's W. E. A. R. F. I. G. S. DOT COM and enter my code burt at checkout sometimes I'll write a joke more stylish and functioning for the people who deserve them and did you know Isla fixes made with Yoga waistbands and come in a variety of styles of writing a variety award them I wore them cool yeah they don't look that's the point exactly what fixes saying is when you say nurses close you want but last time I've been taking awhile because last time she was an dog bag and I went to the bathroom on the plane and she ate her way out and I came into this the bathroom she's running up and down the aisle this kid I'll just I'll go this is just for those times I don't even know how I how jokes do you have a set way of do I right engine steal your process sometimes I'll have a thought right so like I was getting massaged thank you by sending them figs you will love fix I love my fix I I it's so funny girl when we first started making the decision to wear sweatpants unstop until he was out tagged yeah and I was like I remember he had a job I've talked about this before about women don't want big Dicks they want me judge in Australia and I felt bad for the woman this shit touch my body yeah I did and I said I wonder who she would this isn't a joke arrests name that he needed a snake with every that's a real stretch and but I I think in honestly I think he was moving across country and he didn't WanNa put it onto the plane Ralph here's one of my favorite comedians the way he wrote because he would take premise and he would whittle it down every way he'd give every tag he or thinking what someone said is one thing yet envisioning that as like Oh what if that was the yeah do you I started on planes sugar was like him in Can I get you the best parents will ever in your entire life and I was like yeah and he sent me a pair of figs I didn't know there already a sponsor on his podcast on and I got mine I can't I love him I love them so whether you're one of the awesome humans that works in healthcare or someone that wants to say thank you to the deserving folks figs is gonna make it something seems to pop into my head but I don't it's something POPs in like a show I'll I'll walk you through yeah 'cause I had been writing jokes while I had my I had a conversation my daughter and so then I'll just go a right the premise I think my daughters are making jokes either mishearing something I read a lot of jokes from miss hearing people misunderstand that's my garage next door out Misunderstanding someone mishearing someone easy rider it's a hard it's it's hard to go back and sit down because we kind of do this because we didn't like doing that kind of work I never understand guys who like or so all right I write a lot on stage yeah and filming my sets doesn't work for helping me retain material technically yeah I feel myself when I when I when I had my our I'll film I'll film just about every set and then what I'll do is I'll take them had nine different breakdowns of that yeah and the only people go the audience thinks you're done in the new surprise mcgann people yeah that's just the greatest filming my sides and it's very disturbing but it's so helpful because I realized I needed to structure and now when I I write I'll make line that I think I could add into joke yeah and then I bet I bet she'd be excited if the rock came in and she'd be like ooh it's going to be a fun hour work yeah and then I go and then from classic straight-legged to Joggers and skinny styles were the skinny style were at Pebble Beach. Doug goes gridlock and sweatpants and they're not sweatpants dad there I know that I can put that down and go now I can rely I gotta add that we're I look at life and I go I go with I'm not living my life the town more excited than the rocks masseuse like like try to write an analysis yeah yeah that I can and then I'll go from there and I'll try to find like more excited the plan I know there are there are rare breed though Demetri Martin Very John Mullany guys who they liked homework though and I'll cut out the chunks yeah and then a work on chunk chunk shall I go so I can this set like I'll tell you where my working launch like I'm very lazy as a writer and I'll just give you the first job I come up with yeah go oh I should go to the second joke and so I'm a really really the cars and I'll try to riff on it one of my favorite I would never have said this when he was alive as much but in passing go home and you just handed on Thursday it was that would once it came down to the sketches then we'd all get together and sort of punch up but it was uh you know it's like a list of this category awesome putting them in different folders so do you do you ride on stage do you right yeah a little bit three or four comedians got together in a pack and they all just were like we're going to be the greatest we're going to film all of us we're GONNA film and we're going to analyse idiom Dick's ladies you don't want Joe you don't want some big Dick leaving your pussy lips looking like a Horse's lips report sugar cube just aren't and and I think that's how I would I think I would really operate well with the writers room because I think I could come up with my premise but then to have writers go through and help me punch it up would be it was an easy process we go on Monday and he'd pitched three ideas basic patuone line pitch and go okay right that one up for Thursday were sit down and watch it magin that doing five cents a week and having a team and you're all just being honest and critical I think that's it heap you there and they think the long that you're there the better the show obey you got about three hours of comedy writing a day you can stomach and in writing about so then I'll go I gotta go play off hit golf balls I gotta go I'm GonNa I'm GonNA drink tonight I'm GONNA have people over in and that is important they have I mean is I get very territorial of what I say and I wanted to be my words yeah like I only because I go I go stand ups yeah I mean obviously that's not the art form of standup yeah he's a cheat code I think it works for TV show but if you're doing straight standup you can't really sell help like little bit like like this is a really bad example Santa's a little bit like cage fighting or ice skating in that you're showing being more stupid and then what I'll do is I'll shelve that in my head and then I'll look through life for times that good idea a lot of meat a lot of me writing them your your skill set yes this is my skill set this isn't my team skill set but I would say this year right but for me I have blind spots new right for when you wrote wrote like say just say amy show 'cause I think that's more sketches in what your brain does did you come in with like nine sketches you had fucking funny Shane Tours doesn't he's given me one or two tags in my in since I've known him but more importantly games like that help them up stuff I'm not certain but I spread it around anyway I was always told amy this is what I was told was that before she would spins right yeah and then once I get all those stories then and there's one I'm doing starting in September I will take that first chunk right and I'll go oh that can be a ton more getting back to amy's writer's room we were not there a lot they send us homeless live our lives I think they got better sketches out of that and because boast writers from the break think liked homework the s did they both did very well I think their brains were like I'm not comfortable Muss I've written nineteen pages of work is that right now on this set I once I got a story up it's like plate spinning yeah then I go Castro he's working time do the next so that I can get a full hour of at least everything the falcons aches that's a long way to get to that joke right I let no mother tongue stakes Blaine good length to get there in but like isn't helpful to have someone go hey bert talk about this more this is your lane 'cause I can't you know I sometimes can't see God did you when I the first year the first year did yeah I had a few maybe like five that I had just in my computer but it like a buddy giving you a tag and going like what about this and you're like Oh yeah a lot of times I'll just walk away from them there's only like three people take tags from in this world yeah and it King I almost started a story last night that I do not I do not believe I believe that the only premise of the story that's good and then you go all right that works I'm trying to do more because it's really important oh it's great when something quick something quaint if you're not dealing oh I think that's hard I think that's Chris Rock I think I think I'm not by the way are the them I would yeah I think they're writing team like I lost my dad which is an interesting thing for a kid to say I lost my dad I'm like okay and he goes I said well what's Your Dad's name he says I said what's your name go ahead I'm like his kid must be really traumat- ties right so I go I take you through the prayed screaming at the top of my lungs the joke there and you'd be like Oh yeah yeah I'm not a great joke writer I don't think I can think of a quick I can think of more now that I'm getting older I can think of the only premises good is I believe the reveal is this kid I found this kid a fourth of July for July parade this kid comes towards me I'm not telling you the story of trying to punch it up I'm telling you the part I believe that's good hey it's kids walking towards me he's crying now as a parent I just definitely like not until the job's done for months ago I shouldn't be talking about that that was a waste of Shane Torres Torres now you'd love him he's so get ready to do a special door she'd fly all her friends to Hawaiian they'd had writing sessions but I think I do remember something like I would love to do that to that problem he says I said Okay Bye they bleed both of their names because it's a real story I said and he's still can't find that I wash what's your mom's name he goes I don't know a a wagon full of kids his age that he knows that he goes to school with one of the dads goes is he lost and I'm like no asshole we're looking for even the kids getting a little fees I gave Tyler back-row Anyway got up punches yeah now I can come up with them but then punches they're just like statements that I believe or had happened to me that are ridiculous over to friends and then I was like it'll work and last night I started it Noah Noah stories are hard I was the store long story and there's a lot more in it yeah is I find the kid finds its fourth of July finds a the ones that coming out He looks just like Mr Rogers really I just saw the trailer in once upon a time a Hollywood did you see once upon a time in Hollywood yes hough like I'll get to a place to a joke or something like that does not working and he'll say stuff like yeah maybe should right like a couple of jokes in that story right there in the joke in maybe the I definitely gonNA solve this situation I'm not GonNa yes I see people walking past what the fuck wrong you imagine if that's your kid right so stop him I go hey buddy are you okay didn't I started and I realized I couldn't get out of it I couldn't just stop it so I thought maybe if I keep plowing they'll get on my side and it was the wrong story to tell well you got another joke right they're all stuck in a story they're not feeling it it's like oh I got another minute of this and you're here we go minute I got I'm screaming through yeah what the Fuck is Lost Goes Owes Dad's right over there I went okay so go the movie broke which never happens I couldn't find my phone at trout talk to her for a second and get my phone then I got a text from her and this is the last two weeks ago and it's a Saturday night you don't want to try a new story but I thought I'm just gonNA I got push myself if it feels right a slide and then I realized he's holding hands with the Dude my dad's Oh like argo frustrated now I go he's lost and by the way is so upset he doesn't know his mom owned mom's name and he goes he's never met his cutlass down I was at a movie theater with my friend I sat and see this girl came up sick you're in your my seat and I was like Oh sorry she'll familiar I sat in front of her my see was directly in front of her the story so awful and it only makes me look horrible and peeling ooh but I'll onsang like way too much even that somebody's GonNa be like hey you know this too much you're that just to sort of guide I don't think there's wrong with someone I don't think there's anything wrong has no he's not on once again I'm like none of that's right you got me this has been an elaborate prank I just wanted to see if I get you to come with me like no he's definitely lost he has no he's not he's Eh that kid not knowing what his mom's name me don't give up on this story you just gotTa go get back I gotta figure I gotTa figure it out there but it just it was so funny and so then I kept telling over the trump sitting here going like he's not dropping he'd never met his mom that's funny and so that that's the only part when we're talking about writing jokes that's the part for me is there is there and this guy goes I do I do I lost I don't know it's her it I don't my glasses I just see her name and then there's so much down so I turn to my friend end and I go this is an awful I I brought this up to tell you I don't ever tell the story again not even bombed people get my friend and I go oh my God I remember the movies broken it is silent ago I just got a text from this fucking pig in Chicago how do I reply to this how do I Dan okay maybe I'll this is probably a good does a good writing session this is an awesome fucking story this is this is my favorite part of hearing stories because I know where I want it to go I would love to hear this so can tell your story to you mcgirt from Chicago his mind those are going Chicago that I had sex with years ago so I turned to my friend and I say this is and says hey you're in the wrong seat I have to explain no actually this is h that's G and we all get a little bit of a laugh in it yeah movies about to start and I realize I love this turbine I'm telling you I told it to not only dead silence but then groans and I I lost the crowd for my set was it's it's now she's hearing me talk seeing again and she recognizes me I still didn't recognize her thoughts look familiar so I got a text deceit three hundred fifty seats I sat and I hadn't heard seat and I look at it go fuck I'm in H I'm sitting in g literally now move directly in front of her now I'm directly in front of the one person I sat her seat her date shows us tell this way better than the same time my friend shows up literally my Lavar 'cause they thought I was a jerk ed sorry I go to the movies with my my best friend he calls me hey we gotta go see once upon a time Hollywood definitely and you know what's the movie breaks I'm such a fucking Tech Junkie I immediately look at my phone does Yvonne Tax and I do I got this random text chick I fucked in Chicago it's rate fucking story I'm GonNa hit pause can I tell you where I wanted to go yeah I tell you I wanted to go yeah maybe that's what I'll do this and I turned to the group behind us I go get attacked and as I say that the girl goes it was me wait is that I already love this story what I love about a story is a is a Kaiser Sosa moment like a like a like a this is a kaiser says a moment Haga Lives in Chicago he lives in Chicago and she'd text me like hey what are you doing i WanNa meet up and I'll relate okay okay wait wait wait hold and so I looked my friend who's hard of hearing her asshole wreaked and then her asshole wreaked and then also theaters there's no one in the movie theater and I sit down and I sit down and wait for my buddy comeback popcorn and his girl comes up because you're sitting in my seat there's no one in the fucking movie theater eight hundred the actual texts but I'm like this girl lives in Chicago she's texted me so I turned to my friend and I say sword this girl on May read this tax from this stinky Ashville girl and it says I'm sitting right behind you awesome in front of it there's no one else movie theater it's friend right behind you her and her lies eight seem to date and so you realize your phone is missing all the blood left my body I turned around and he can't imagine oh the feeling this is a fucking amazing story that would happen I wish that happened tell me what happened though I wish I love this guy I didn't have my glasses so I just saw her name I couldn't read yeah yeah he's on a fucking date and I'm like what if this is meant to be what anyway literally in the middle of the movie the movie breaks what are the fucking on's that a movie breaks watching the reaction I mean she was I'm sure searing to see if I would light up so we have this awful interaction and I wanted to leave right away and I'm like possible she didn't hear me there's no way friend yelling but she's texting me like so small and she's looking at the back of my head so for two hours and watch this movie in complete uncomfortable awfulness that I fucked in Chicago just text me movies broken it's dead silent girl I just fucked Kogyo years ago texted me like millions normal and then I get a picture random picture from her till show you now shen alkaline water balances Ph constipation digestion energy recommended for bowel cleansing. Oh I'm sorry to do this is my I think I'm going to let my phone in that seat and she looks at me smiled Hansman my phone on my fucking getting on me so crazy yeah it was so awful is awesome and then so the next day I get a text from her I suggests read Oh my God by the way I don't have my glasses out of the blue readable it's one of my favorite stories I've ever heard I want you to read this she sent me a out of the blue it's so I turned the most awkward like hey you know I mean just to two feet away from me when you send someone attacks and but I couldn't because that would look even worse if there's a chance she didn't hear mayor it just would have made it worse if I left so I sat there and I felt like sorry I love a good story Jesus Leib read the bottom line poop enforcer create I mean there is a way all right we can edit sorry this is taking a minute no no no no no no no get like open it bigger say why not say that is fucking love a good story a certain all you need is a pivot at the beginning to get you out of trouble like simple pivot what's what's it like autumn of that bottle of choose it's a picture of a bottle of juice trying to get bigger so I can see it I cannot wear glasses story why told it wrong because everyone was just like you're an asshole her so we what happened there's so much more than I I mean I'll try to buy in your seat her asshole stank I think it's just people were horrified for her which I am till and I like all you need telling this whole story sorry no this is are you kidding me when you go did bombed a Mike and Mike okay I thought it was going to be just like a you know Oh my God I don't think she would lie this nurse right no no he says there's no way this is an amazing story not it doesn't work on St John's in it does work on state it it does you know what I'm sweating that's such a great fucking data I said I said so anyway just to wrap this up then she keeps texting May and she wants to watch game of thrones what does that mean does that mean she heard me she heard you and she goes just seeing this was I was drinking that night how this is to blame even I believe in pivots where you like you plant I sometimes you can plant a little sapling at the beginning of the story that allows I just went to my bed and then she came in and the the snuggled up to me and so I guess owns at with me so I was like okay so she comes over and she wants Pajama bottoms to be comfortable you to harvest that later on when it comes to pivot you can you can plant a direction here so that when you get here to get uncomfortable you're allowed to one word swivel it Talgo Oh my God I I was in love with she dumped me that's like a pivot but then how does that square the stinky astle and you guys yet and they go oh I now feel for him I'm trying to think of an example you know like they feel for you in the moment yeah like all you need a little pivot in the front of that he thinks she was a bitch to mayors oven she rejected me maybe girl this girl I got a text in this name it's the fucking that I'll end there but that doesn't even the story really what happened after it gets weirder so were hooking up I'm still though in that mindset of this person here me and uncomfortable so I gotta make our there and she still okay we've had sex before it was like five years earlier or something years early and so we're just winding down watching and then we both fall asleep so I just didn't want to wake her up when she just takes off her pants in front of me full beaver puts on these dyke a You Know Pajama Pants I gave her am I on my phone I left it in the seat so now I have to once again make it our attorney go broke hold on I liked it this well against the movie starts and I say eight before Stinky asshole he's like what what I said she had a stinky asshole it'd be great if he goes I'm sorry what did you say I said friend or something I was trying to find out no no this is my body says no Novak Okay Sitting Mike this is just weird listen how now it might have been revenge or something maybe it was like I don't know it's so interesting how like I couldn't I don't know if I could be single have an APP were you to make friends like they've been APP to fuck people but they don't have friends Oh that's interesting Oh yeah can buy your glasses not by the way my glasses were in my pocket all I did was take on my glasses I didn't realize they were such a great story and I but the glasses that's a bad movie that's a bad movie all right hang on I'll tell you I was it was what was the movie uh Sabinas harm okay this is great because by the way we're seeing it it's about to be pulled out options she goes no no no and I was like okay so mike this is weird like she got my bad we've had sex before why why why that makes me so uncomfortable I I'm uncomfortable most of the time the idea that you go into your bed and then she would get in bed with you and you're like and then you wake up and you'd be like so what are you what are you planning today and she's like oh nothing like Oh cool yeah and then you'd have to be like well I've got you Jitsu class looking for someone to play Ping Pong with I actually I would respond to that all right you can't play alone you can because it's all about being lonely whereas the dating APP is also like trying to get laid is in there yeah but it's like it's like I'm not lonely yeah why wouldn't they have like Why does that seem so sad I know right sadder than a sadder than fucking people technically but theoretically it's not we'll it sad rule out of my car and she took her shoes off really quick and sort of rubbing her feet the within thirty seconds of getting my car really her bare feet talk yeah but a friend is a very lonely and I can't talk to people I remember one time I was on craigslist and I saw an ad saying until until I was like I swear to God I won't be offended I'm just curious are you just not attracted to me anymore and she's acknow might as bodies now and I was like okay okay as we go to sleep and the next day she's not leaving one pm and I finally had pretend I was going somewhere it was just yes we really bad at dating because if a woman was a little bit domineering or weird I would just let it go yeah and be like okay I told me I don't know make sure you're fine and then she started getting nauseous and we had to pullover every five minutes it happened back you're like what is so weird that like I said to someone the other day I don't know where we were talking about we were like they should I went with this girl I picked her up and she literally isn't they're all being overweight but her pictures look totally different I mean she's she was twenty the lead I'm GonNa Fuck big long afterwards he ever do dating apps no I was married before they existed oh worst I anyway Benetton so sad for second I was like Oh i I'm just curious you are you not attracted to me anymore or something and ours did you have a job the bucket of water in her head and we go we're driving and she tells me she's on the isis hit list like why's that and she's like the FBI you feel nervous showing up you just put the picture look like you anyway gets in my car and she mealey's breaks into a flop sweat like someone dumb the one side of the table that's not fun but it was like so sad he should just be like I'm looking fuck like Ping Pong big on also yeah you should four I was one thirty out and I called my dad and said hey what do I hit my pitching wedge I actually know the answer is one twenty five I know the on a real yeah I grew up sort of you know only child no but I would I was you know great parents but like I was the last one like I remember that one show like was it first date where they would it was like hidden camera it was named camera they just go along with you yeah you should have oh weird and then she continued to take pictures of food and stuff that's it sells story but I'm I'm confused I was so why do you think is I you know I called my dad a call my dad on this Sunday on a defy your opinion feel more secure I don't know I think it's I think it's a little bit of a desperateness to connect with people okay like walking lunatics yeah then boundaries but does feel men I wish I boundaries I don't you don't even know bound no fucking I get run over by I'm in working I already know I'm not gonNA listen to them now I'm trying to think of why you would do that maybe you wanted to just hear it so you could select there's one twenty five so as you column I have no fucking idea that's nice though you know what I've just arguing recently is calling people for advice about things I I didn't even go I love music but I didn't even think to by myself music till I got to college and I saw the people do that went through just one of those things you like Peter are like this anyway it's it's going great things are going well you should have a fucking TV show just like it's all done like the kids whatever we got floating around just to the radio I never thought for myself this is what I wanted even doing stand up I never I did what people told me to do so this would be a perfect example so say like we had done here and then we're talking about instagram a little bit and then I got a good to post this is a bad example probably wouldn't do this but like I would tax you hit what time do you post your instagram's you notice that the yeah I I tend to have very weird date you don't like confrontation do you now I hate competent I wouldn't do it so that's why I used to have I used to have immediately second guess what I write with people I have a heart I did I let relationships fall by the wayside consistent minutes I won't reply to any of them why I don't know if something makes me uncomfortable it makes me very uncomfortable to like like uh I'm just GonNa Talk Shit behind your back yeah my friends and I'm not going to be a cook like whereas other ones other my friends would be like this dates fucking over I don't sweet and I just didn't I was like I don't know what to say see I have different fear which is I fear they're going to get there ice this I wasn't the idea that she was two of the picture that that she had her profile so my heart will go how did you get those picture they don't you this don't keep up little tax I think you should that a hundred fucking dude I don't reply taxed at all like people tax me and say like hey the money and not just three okay but but I just whatever whatever reason I got the message of not thinking for myself so I we'll do I can say legit these are friends but I won't reply to these texts Jeff Die Sam Tripoli and Chas Zuma have all texted me within the last fifteen yeah yeah but I feel like that okay are automatically go that makes me sound like accepting a compliment Jeff I wrote a there's a perfect example Jeff Dyer wrote absolute killer set last night what what do you say to that thanks did feelings hurt if I don't write back that's why I feel like I'm going to write what I find funny and they're going to go I don't get it are you trying to be Dick and I'll be like I was just joking I texted it to a group of friends like a picture of Kokomo hand yeah and I was like I've officially made it as a comic someone just gave me Coke I just thought I was like I'm so you calling me after you do coke for a weekend and losses shit I was like I was like dude I didn't do coke I thought you knew me PSOMAS friend who's got a dog like that and I wanted to text them and go he's got a different type of dog and he's got a Connie Corso and I wanted to text him and go hey man is you're cutting corso kids I know is going to be I think I don't think that's a bad thing I think it helps keep connections with people 'cause I drop off a lot of friendships often enough and they don't get your jokes you kind of start going introverted yes yeah like I I was I said to Berry Ah by the way it doesn't matter because whatever you say I'm still gonNA post them whatever the fuck but like I do that and I was we're looking dogs I have a friend who's got a dog like that of Ed joke that's funny no but then I go what if he doesn't get it and then he's like did you watch that and it'd be like no like starting back and forth doubt if it makes me feel uncomfortable saying well no no I don't think I think you I think you should drop that because what if I wrote back who you or me only because I think number one they don't really WANNA be my friend we're all tortured like I go they don't really want to be my friend like what Bryan callen text me the other day what I think I think that is based off of I did have a friend who you'd right back jokes too and they'd fucking loser Shit Yeah and you'd be like I can tell you bury cats one time he's very yeah is a perfect example is like I think that if you try to be funny to people grows like Berry pick up I know you're sitting there pick off and pick up it's bird wasted the cops WanNa know I have a friend L. my friends no I don't do coke and I I and then I called the guy like two days later he's like I don't know how to even speak to you see store for new wave entertainment yeah there's a big company some big big fucking company maybe like I'm going to Ballpark it at like two hundred employees yeah and I called one sex yeah really good I know what I'm doing real well I know what to do I just don't do it the in person maybe you

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