3258: Essential


The walking Keith. And the girl. I'm Keith Malley. I'm Keith Missouri Week. It's coming up. It's this week this week. Yup Oh my God and it starts off with your birth April fifteenth. Where you get roasted this year. So you and I are doing a keith. And the girl roast there's a GP mcdade and Wendy starling and Andrea Allan Bianca Brady we of Lake twelve people on the line up. Get your tickets at K. T. dot com slash free? Vip just breathing down my row strokes as you as you say this Safar got asshole. Slot Bitch Bills Billy Procedo. Jesus shed. We're done we're good writing itself writing itself. That's just the start though. That's your birthday. That's the Keith. And the girl rose then. We have silent trailers on April sixteenth. We've accusing in a chat party April seventeenth and we round out the week with Bianca's I live show. This is all virtual now her virtual life show of last week on Keith. And the girl and she's going to wrap up Katie. Gee Week I think you're GONNA WANNA be there if you've been listening for even just a little bit keys in the girl dot com slash free VIP. Oh we're going to have to close down those tickets pretty soon so Get it now. It's what you would call last call right right now. You have to. You have to get them to get your free tickets because you're a VIP member and then people of course can still pay for the tickets. That's we'll Move a link to that but we do have to put a limit on the free tickets but just go now sign up. You'll make it just fine. So candling que. Did you dot com slash free? Vip If you have any questions you could always email Info Keith. And the girl dot com not to start with a bummer but VIP has so much stuff in it and you have that new episode about domestic abuse. Under what's my name yet as with Lauren Aitchison and I see that while crime the way we think of it is going down because of the krona virus domestic abuse is going way up. Yeah I have to. I mean it is such a bummer. It's such a weird thing to talk about. I have to imagine that it's also the children who are now around. Yes yes so if you listened that tend to show if you need another reason or that extra push to leave the situation because I can see people easily think you're you're holding onto an excuse because he at least you know something you know you get beat up at night you know. The next day starts again. There's there's a pattern that you know and maybe like I don't know what will happen now. There's a virus going on it You need that extra push. It takes a lot to have the courage to leave. Let me tell you something. There's a virus and you might get it because you left your house your bones ache anyway. You have kids like Alluded to They can see it all. They smell it. You're not doing them any favors. Yeah get the fuck out and I think instead of me just saying that where it sounds like. I don't have information behind it. I come to show will help give you that push no pun that you need Also more more light hearted stuff in VIP of course to new episodes of diamond dogs. The latest is called Easter. Come spray you know. And it features are pal spooky. How'd you get him all the way from Australia? We're just thinking like who are dogs who we're going to talk to who are pals and so. We thought we'd say hi to him now. Sluki for those who don't know when we first started listener. Who became a good friend but He's kind of a Wacko. He's he's out there and and we love him a episode of nonsense just myself in. Kyle what we've been doing during the corona virus. You can check out last week on Keith. And the girl with Bianca. So it's all there as well as three thousand two hundred fifty seven other Keith. And the girl episodes we did. And that's not even counting the spin offs the specials. Yes Keith and the girl ten thousand hours are out there okay. And you're you're never GONNA be bored. I'll tell you that. Feel like what do I listen to for my eight hundred batch of sour dough bread. You know we just by the way happy Easter happy. Passover thank you. Does that mean anything anymore? I'm always amazed now that I remember especially not going outside. You're not passing those things and if you're watching Netflix. You're not getting commercials so I wonder how that's going like. Is Atheism going up? Why think about you know? We talked about all the things that we're going to realize we don't need after all this is over for example family like remember when to talk on cell phones. And you know you'd hit bad spots and it's like all You're breaking up. I gotTa Hang Up. I don't have service here. Whatever I say there's a lot of Passover sater's that went like that oh I guess my Internet connection isn't happening the zoom is cutting in and out Guess I can't eat an egg across the Internet with you. Remember how we were slaves yet. You're going to realize okay. I can't for Thanksgiving will come up. This might still be going. It's GonNa Change People's lives when they are like wait enjoyed thanksgiving. I could honestly couldn't see my family. I needed that. Push to know that I can't and what's I can't either. That happened to me. I'd go home. Every thanksgiving is a big deals in New York. One year. I didn't have the money couldn't go home and I'm like Holy Five. I could do that. It's true it's true for your first one. You're white. Knuckling like this feels awkward This isn't right. The all they ask is for me to see them once a year maybe twice in and now I'm not doing it and it's like it gets out of your hands and then you white knuckle through that and you go. Wait a minute That was better and thanksgiving. Everyone travels so I'll travel is up in price all of a sudden you got money in your pocket and you don't to be called fat while you're eating that's nice. I had the hungry man. Turkey special okay. Why do you have to take it too bad? My point is I didn't feel like a piece of shit right. This is the best Thanksgiving yet. Yeah because in movies they showed the person like womp womp. I don't have family I to eat Turkey from a microwave. What they don't shows the dude who sitting there like playing video games watching the movie. He wanted to see scratching his balls. Like you know just and women too like vibrator while you're eating. Whatever happy Thanksgiving I give my laundromat just closed at least guessing? To the end of the month I happened to catch just in time but I wonder if I'm going to realize like I don't even need them because I will not wash my clothes at home like I'm an animal so watch I realize we don't need under one because like how many times can you turn your underwear inside out. I think for me the Max is three and then I'm going to start going commando and then I'm going to go. You know what? Who NEEDS IT myself to law? This is honestly. It's not the lesson I thought we were GONNA learn today but it is good point. We are really learning that. But what are you gonNA do for laundry? You're not GonNa do think now I refuse. No Hey Hey. Who has the sleeveless shirts assholes? I washed my clothes less than everybody else. Yeah my heaters are out there not contaminating anything I do have to say. I have not been taken a shower every day. I don't know when the last time I took a shower. And the thing is is he's always like I'll take shouting like no baby. You smell great. I do like them much. I bought a for the first time in my life. I'm forty five years old. I bought bought an electric razor and did my head myself. Oh you are shaved. Yeah I don't need a barber first of all I wasn't gonNA shape. I thought we were going to fucking animals. We we're doing these behind the scenes roast tests in out to make sure everybody's Cameron video was good. Everybody I don't know what the FAULK IF. Everybody has a stylus that home but everybody's clean-shaven everybody's here is looking nice and I'm like oh I thought we were all to be rip Van Winkle I uh so I went out and got his shaver. I think people are but I think like once a week or twice a week people today. I need to feel like a human being and for some reason to us. We've managed to equate human being with shaving are monkey selves I don't feel comfortable cutting my nails or my toenails in front of people but the other day. I cut my fingernails in front of circuses and we were basically like just managing our fingernails. And I'm like is this not sexy. Do you find it uncomfortable defined that to be a behind the scenes bathroom thing. I don't mind the nails. I know some people do. I don't mind that the only thing I ever mind I think is nose blowing and especially nose picking That's so nauseating to me that I we have to end the relationship but about toenail clipping. Why are you doing it? That's us? You're weird but no I don't care where would you do that? Is that a bathroom. Bathrooms friend's house. But you can't do that now so I guess when we're watching TV I so I think don't you think these are things that were figuring out like. I don't how we know toenails bathroom. You're figuring it out. I kinda I knew to wash my hands on a new toenails in the bathroom and I walked around barefoot. I DID THAT IN STUDIO STILL. I know you do your toenails. Why I duNno? Society has hangups but let them have it. This isn't the one that I'm fighting for. I don't mind I get it tracks to me so I I'm learning. I'm not GONNA need a barber. Probably not going to need the laundromat as much with underwear. Anyway that's what I do underwear and socks. I do notice them. I'm putting out less garbage. You know I don't. I don't even know how I'm eating the same amount but when you cook you would think you would have more garbage now. While you're you're you don't know like how you got into bread-making mode on day two. Yeah so you're probably like you peel the carrot and then eat the peels. I know what's going on over there but you know what I'll tell you what you're GonNa Learn Thou getting out of this what we don't need and it could be you your job. It could be they go. You know what? We don't need a greeter at the door. People know how to get in the door. You know what what else people are needing to find out a lot of times it's Let's have a date night. Let's go out to eat. Let's have a date night. Let's go to a movie night. You got to. You got to actually be romantic now. You're not telling a waiter what you want. You actually look in each other's eyes and go tonight. Let's have steak cook not So Passover it's when the Israelites left Egyptian slavery and but it happened to be bread making day that night right and so take. Everybody had the runway and the loaves of bread. Couldn't raise the proper breads. But apparently that was the fucking that Moses. It's bread-making night like now. Today's just right. I could smell it. But what about all the pro? We all started our breadth in it so anyway known as good breadth. They gotta take this piece of shipwreck not one person I bet there was fucking Ezekiel Ezekiel. Is that Ezekiel bread. What's up. There's some kind of bread right. I bet he's the fucking one and he's hoarding it. Well I did it early. I don't know you guys wait last minute. Be Ready to leave any time. It's not good so anyway. No one has Brent. Now we have Mozza and I I went to yeshiva. That is Ju- School for half the day and the other half is American curriculum. For nine years I went to the school. No one has ever explained Passover so great thank you. I'M AT THE STORE TODAY. And there's no bread on the shelves like I'm living it. Everyone celebrate. Now you know what slaves in Egypt feels like. I understand the I understand what's happening. I also saw that eastern you know how like it slim pickens on Easter Day or the day before Easter at the CVS and that kind of shops right one of these for the cards and candies and yeah like cute decorations right. And then the day after everything's fifty percent off the day before Easter. This year the shells were all stocked with Easter stuff. They were already fifty percent off Laughing people are realizing they don't need the Easter Bunny or God. What two for one right? Everything's different I saw. I didn't see the I don't want to know the answer. Because it doesn't affect me per se but the Kansas Supreme Court the highest office in the the state each state of course has the Supreme Court had to do zoom hearing about if people are allowed to gather for church events namely Easter okay. But you're on a zoom meeting deciding this right. So why don't you guys get in the same room and pray on it? See See if the answer comes to you well Easter. I decided to stay in. Keep it low key would you do? Oh it was lover date happened to be loveday in most of our most of our time is being spent on K t g week which is helping me a lot with so little bit of our time went to that. But it's so nice we actually put our feet in some water in water bins and then like took the calluses off. Each Other's feet were disgusting now. The I don't know why I'm telling you this but it was very romantic. It was like for Jesus you know how he liked washing feet or people liked washing his feet. I don't know we did that. Some new those Blake Hammond wrote a White House. Press RELEASES. This is crazy. White House says Jesus died for our sins bone. Only you can die for your economy. Lacks out there? Can you imagine the Babylon be said? Researches Delay Corona virus vaccine until they figure out how to make it cause autism? This is the world we're living in folks. It's too much too much. New Jersey transit is saying you have to wear masks on the train. You're not you're not allowed on it at all. New York doesn't have that rule yet now. I can get out of my apartment in the front. I don't do a lot but We ventured out I can get in the front. They're still like six feet and then a gate so watch people pass. Sometimes I watch people go by And so I am noticing. That people are wearing masks. But I'm wondering where you guys getting your mask from all of a sudden I have a mask and I do wear inside the store for example because it just makes people comfortable at this point. How are you comfortable waiting? Six feet apart in line at a grocery store seeing everybody has a mass. But you how do you feel like a piece of shit? You know whether you feel stupid or not. Don't you feel like a piece of Shit I got my master's from Kyle. She whenever the I will never like the news was out be. Didn't know a serious was. She happened to have a dentist appointment so she stole three masks. So I have one cell so I two of her children don't have it but you have one. They got they got to fight for it. They Check The bore the Chore Board. And if they didn't do their chores you know I'll I`ll. I'll wear a mask absolutely by the way speaking of keeping awake a tendencies their their ground control there the central station over there. And they're doing amazing stuff. I saw the Saturday night live. Did it from home like it? Seems like each person or the rating partner came up with something themselves and then presented it. Yeah some of that sound was so terrible kate. Mckinnon who we all love had the worst. I don't understand. They can't like Firkin Girl Week. We actually set up twenty individual phone calls from Mike Checks. Now Keith I actually. I know this is up your alley but you know I kind of have thought and I got rid of this right away. Everybody knows you're GONNA have to sound professional but we got on a Mike checks with people and will like it. Sounds Okay but do you happen to have a Mike and they go. Yeah should I hook that up when my okay really glad we did this? Yes hook up your microphone this. Snl You can't send everybody a two hundred dollar USB mike the what's the news section of SNL which I weakened update. I think that's the best part that was the worst sound and the only the literally just have to talk to each other like it's a podcast and they added a laugh not a laugh track but they added some life people listening to them in Zoom. So you heard like and I'm like well Alec Baldwin is talking right now so you're laughing on top of it and this is distracting. And why can't you guys do it without hearing? Aleph just trust that it's funny or laugh at each other's joke the end who such weird sound because their friends also. They knew what the job was. I couldn't tell how many people are laughing five seven but they they would laugh at the setup and it's like now you're not trying you're trying too hard it's also weird to have seven people laughing in the background in in the same audio sound level as the actual comics. Because they're not they're not talking into the mic so people are laughing into the computers as loud as they're telling jokes while James Difficult Academy was on the first of the these two recent diamond log episode and we. I was testing his Mike. And I'm like well I think I hear some in the background. What is that? He goes? I duNno know. It sounds like a washing machine goes now. What is it at the Dryer? Should I move as if the answer is in? Turn it off. It's in your house for one. Yeah I don't know maybe they didn't want to hurt. S Ehlers feelings. I don't know what feelings were at home doing. Nothing what he'll say. What feelings do people normally have about their dance? Monkeys does Dan. What by when you WANNA sound the best? Also tell Cain maybe she doesn't know why would she know right? Why is that her job? Well now you don't go out for the you. Don't go out for groceries. You're both compromised. You answer CC's Yep So you have to do it online. I got a feel like that's congested. As opposed to live grocery store. It's more congested than I would imagine. we just did another order for groceries and does no time for delivery so you put everything in the cart and this is across the board. This is Amazon. Fresh INSTA- car some other thing. We tried them all. We happen to get on INSTA- cart. It's just easy and you don't get a date so what you do. Is You. Keep refreshing all day and all night and as soon as one pops up the next available one you just click on it. You try to grab it and I've done that like you know you're like half awake and you're going to P and you're like there's a time you click on am I available. Who CARES I'm going to be home. And then by the time I got to my credit card. I lost the date. I did that like twice and on the third time I got it and again I was half sleeping because I check in the middle of the night if I get up and I'm like Oh this is exactly on a Keith. And the girl Show during the show like exactly at the start of the shows. When they're gonNA come on like I don't know I'll figure it out. Turns out. It was a week later. I ordered groceries and they gave me a delivery date of three weeks later. Sorry weeks don't shop when you're hungry because you know that saying that's crazy now when you get in there. I feel like it supermarket. Sweep like did I just put ten pounds of shit a wealth that said pads and Guinea some lettuce. You got to be quick it. You'll get kicked off. Actually that's what's good about Insta- cart is until that date. I can keep changing my car so every day. I'm like butter and then I just add butter by the time they get to my date. I'll have three weeks worth of groceries. In the cart. Set the date even if you have nothing to buy absolutely yeah as soon as we get the new groceries. We're going to try to get a new date. I'll give you life hacks you don't go crazy. The APP that's free to download best fiends. I love it. It's a fun puzzle game so no waste is fun. You can take with you anywhere upstairs. Downstairs the bathroom upstairs again. You could take it anywhere you want and I feel like Now when I hear best fiends I'm like I Miss Andrea Right. I'll she she'd love this game. It's the only thing keeping her saying. That's the that's the truth is you could take me to court if online the game gets more challenging as you play it. It's so fun it's made for adults. Kids can play it but I love it. It's it. It really is for adults. You feels you feel smart bidzos casual et Cetera et CETERA. Best fiends. It's That's friends without the. Are you download for free? Take a look. See if you like it surprise you will best phen- says thousands of levels already with new levels events and characters added every month. It's hours of fun right at your fingertips and you can even play off line with over one hundred million downloads and tons of five star reviews best fiends as they must play download best feeds free on the Apple. App store or Google play like. I said that's friends without the our best. The I love it so much so it is a little the misinformation or how things change about the corona virus. Is I guess what's maddening to everybody now. I don't have kids but my girlfriend does. And The New York City mayor in New York state governor can't seem to agree if schools are staying closed. The ones you go to in person until the end of the year not that that in New York City. They're saying yes goes will not open to the end of the year the State. Cuomo's sand easy. We don't know yet but they're saying the end of the school year which is just two more months and I don't know who's kidding who. Where are you sending your child? What you you're staying at home from work but your child is going to learn what right but the parents are now coming to the realization that there's no summer camps so picture you had kids and you're like okay but usually. I go to work and during the summer. You're you're you're Adema here for two months or so it's like no no no. I didn't sign up for this My kids are always there. That was not understood. Your honor Yeah. Try to do color ward home. Now right it'll just happen. Let me tell you about some news around the world. I mentioned this last week sometime. I think Thailand Thailand. Their king has been the has taken over luxury German hotel to isolate from the corona virus along with a Harem of twenty women Maha Veto Long Corn. Sixty seven book the entire Grand Hotel after obtaining permission to break the Bavarian towns locked out rule so the king was able to get permission and he's now with the Harem being safe Those funds those lucky twenty women. I mean I just feel like there's nothing to do but respect them during this time right. Why do I feel? It was a volunteer right. Twenty women like yeah. I'll be locked up with you king. I'm sure I could say not himself hoping to help. Slow the I'm not today okay. Is it okay? If we don't do today. Yeah nineteen other. Can you do it to Kim? Just not feeling it now. I don't know of this bomb today hoping to help. Slow the spread of the Corona Virus Australian astrophysicist tried to invent a device to stop people from touching their faces but he wound up hospitalized with four magnets stuck up his nose. He said I thought that. If I build a circuit that can detect the magnetic field and we wore magnets on our wrists than it would set off an alarm if you brought it too close to your face says this Dr Daniel Reardon I Clinton to my ear lobes and then clipped them to my nostrils. Then things went downhill pretty quickly when I clicked the magnets to my other nostril. There's a doctor or doctor of what this is a doctor. I hope it's parapsychologist astrophysicist. See this is why flat earthers exist because look at this and the statement actually reads and that's where things went south and then go scientists. That's fun if I went if I had magnets locked in my nose to each other and I have to go the hospital. Get the I wouldn't say that I did tell the I'd say it was a sex thing I'm like I'm I'm a freak. Can we just move on? That's less embarrassing. Aballah Russian president. See Listen to this. I when they said the two hundred countries are affect with the virus. I'm like who knew there that that many countries that Bell I guess so. Belarus President Alexander Lukashenko is insisting that vodka and Saunas can cure the corona virus. I know it. People should not only wash their hands with vodka but also poison the virus within this just in Eden ounce of Marijuana Day. You're good to go. You should drink the equivalent of forty to fifty milliliters. But I think that's not even a shot. I like how this is somehow based on these people's favorite thing like my favorite thing be we'd and I decided that the cures we'd and somebody else decided that it's cocoa puffs he said take about a shot at day but not at work. Elo Elo When you come out of the sauna not only wash your hands. But also your insides with a hundred milliliters. Let Sauna you just go in the sonnet or what fucking sauna and then drink then you'll be golden and then fuck twenty women recently. That pretend they want to be there but they were obviously picked up by the police. A German mayor said he got infected with Corona virus quote almost on purpose from his partner in hopes of developing immunity and learned that the bug was quote a lot worse than he ever thought. Oh yeah that makes sense. That checks out. You obviously looked up some information before you did that never mind. The people are starting to get the second round of the virus. You don't know anything. Because other people who know more don't know the fond Dasell fifty-three district mayor of Milt Berlin Central Borough told public broadcasting that his illness was a contribution towards the long-term goal of flattening the Kirk. Thank you That's so nice Philippines President Rodrigo nine. That was a country. Philippines President Rodrigo Duarte has warned that anyone who violates the nation's Corona virus lockdown rules and abuses medical workers would be shot dead. Okay the leader said in a televised address that it was vital that everyone stay home is authorities tried to stem the spread of the virus which has killed about one hundred people infected over twenty three hundred in the country. So if you see me in Zurich season the front of the house because we're standing next to each other one of us gets shot the other one just learns a lesson but now there's no risk any more of me dying. He's dead so I can't fuck up. You know what I used to have because these countries I'm looking at my map on my wall but I took it down because I my last couch was rubbing the bottom of it and so is really wearing it away. Look thirty and now that my new catches little lower one. Kyle got me so you see the dirt so I threw it out but I need something on my wall. Now what do I do He stashing rug Persian while we did have that growing up we had rugs in the wall Some kind of you know Velvet Elvis. Maybe like a green screen. Start Getting Weird in your house right I Know Marissa popular thing right at mayor really opens up the room. I hate mirrors because people are not used to mirror so they just start looking at themselves. Okay yeah all right so I'm thinking I'm thinking what's going to change my life. Some of your suggestions will join us for this week's events. They start on Wednesday April fifteenth. That's the roast Very excited spit on everybody. You know. Get your tickets now keeping the girl dot com slash free. Vip and if you're not a VIP member Keith. And the goal dot com slash VIP again any questions info at keeping the girl dot com. We hope we see everyone. They're really about it. We're still writing. Are ROAST JOKES? So send them over if you have them fuck it. It's a group meeting. We'll see you for keys on the girl. Happy Birthday Keith thanks.

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