#246 Frankie Bridge: An Open Book
Hello and welcome back to another episode of Control. Delete my guest today. Is Frankie Bridge? Best known as one fifth of these Super Gull Group the Saturdays Frankie has recently been pretty open about her mental health issues over the years in and out of the band and she's being an ambassador of the mind for a while often opening up about her experiences of anxiety. Depression and panic attacks after being hospitalized in May twenty twelve. She's being a key player in launching the mind partnership with heads together as well as lending support to time to talk day Frankie Launch Terrain. Podcast series open mind and she also has a book coming out called open. Why asking for help can save your life. And she's written the book with two other people a clinical psychologist and also a psychiatrist. I really respect. How honest Frankie is in the book? She really really leaves no stone unturned and she really goes there. Which I think is really amazing things to do when writing a book like that. So hippie enjoyed episode between us. I actually went on Frankie's focused as well as a bit of a protocol swap psych. Keep Your Eyes Open for that and I will stop talking now and let let's episodes here it is. I'm so excited to be joined by the Amazing Frankie Bridge. Thank you so much. Thank coming on so amazing to me. You are saying when we first met I. I felt like I immediately knew on a deeper level and I felt really nice because I have crept into your soul. Abet Reading Your Book Open. Yeah that's going to be so weird. I think that's the whole point of the book. Obviously by kind of forgot that now means because may I see it in a way of? I'm trying to help people to understand their selves or to understand others but now I oh yeah now I suppose the site that is that people are going to understand me more. Which is which I hadn't thought about it until you said it was really nice because it wasn't like I was reading about you from afar. It felt that you welcome welcoming me in to let your home or something and just sitting down and having a chat like honest chat that rightfully so half aches. I wanted it very good so I wanted with with the book and also with your poke ass. Did you kind of always one day open up about things or do you feel like we're in a time where culturally and in the media is actually like kind of a bit of a movement. I mean it totally is and it's amazing because I like. The stigma is really is so much lower now and I feel like people are feeling like they took a more and understand. They're so small which is amazing. But actually for me I I buy cow in two thousand twelve. When it wasn't really spoken about. I think it was. I need like Stephen. Fry that ever been honest about depression and anxiety and the main reason I spoke about it then was because I'd been in hospital and people just assumed the I had like some sort of addiction and I wasn't annoyed because that was something to be ashamed of by just made me realize that people just didn't talk about or know about depression or anxiety so I felt this need to to speak about it back then and then I kind of drew back from that because it wasn't spoken about I kind of didn't want to be the post to go for sadness and and being in a pub group that wasn't really I was there full whereas I think now not being in a pop group and being up to have more opinions. I am now in the position to stay that more freely and look how much changing only six years seven years. Yeah in terms of how much we feel like. It's not just like this spotlight on Ye. Yeah and I think even down to. I'm an ambassador for mind and Even downslide the mind towards it was so tiny the first one I ever went to like. Hardly anyone came just wasn't a nine thing and now every year that I think grows and grows and every year. I kind of feel proud. That that's how it's becoming and it's really nice to see them as much as it is your story. It's also super helpful and practical. You give checklist of like what what even things mean and like. How like symptoms and Mike how you could recognize. You might be feeding on my. Oh your friends might be and did you want it to be kind of both those things like a memoir. Also kind of like a practical help book as well. Yeah Definitely I. I've kind of always been like the. It's not a complete South Hobart because I do not have the answers which is why I raped him. My therapist and my psychiatrist because they're the people that helped. May and they explained things to me it away the I could understand them and knowledge for me was K- in my recovery and still is. There was no of a way that I think to do other than to have them involved. I didn't want some other therapists. We explain things differently because I didn't know if that's going to work because that wasn't what what worked for me and things like mindfulness and stuff like that isn't something that I practice so I wasn't about to sell something to someone that I don't believe in so for me. It was just about being honest and open and so that people can. I have a guy. Oh Yeah I felt a bit like that. All my friends seems a bit like that and then to have the medical backup to say. This is actually what's happening in your brain and it just makes you feel less weird and less crazy and that's exactly what it did for me so I was nuts. Why want other people to fail? Yeah I love the nights. 'cause it's kind of yes like must be nice in a way to of have the. Have the validation of someone going. Yeah and also we can sort of give some really practical advice from the outside. It just makes you get out of your head and realize okay. This is an illness and I'm not just going crazy. Yeah I mean I read it super quickly as well and I learned a lot and I also learned a lot of more about you. I guess from letting people in to the bit of the behind the scenes that we might not know yeah and some of it was pretty interesting like where the same age I think but what was interesting. The book is that you were saying that some people might think that be having that job and being conflict publicly known from a young age might have like added to it but actually you saying those were happy. Happy Memories on the whole and this is just something that was going to happen regardless of all that stuff. Yeah I genuinely believe that it was inevitable with me like I say I came out of the William anxious like if any amazing situation. I could think the worst like I always say. It's a bit like if you've ever seen the film final destination you know like you can see the bad thing about to happen. And and that's basically how my brain works. It's like I said to you before if I was going on holiday for me. The lead up to the holiday would be really stressful. 'cause I be worrying about the fly and I'd be scared of that a an whereas I think when I was in junior and I was so busy that actually. I don't remember my mental health being at that time. I think I was just enjoy myself. I had no idea how big the bangles or how successful we were and it was just about doing the thing that I loved and we would really protected and we had a really great group of people around us I still know and love now and and I think that that really helped. Yeah that's lovely and you also mentioned the fact. There was no social media. We got an obvious thing. I didn't even realize. Of course you felt like you were in a happy bubble which shows no one. Yeah he stuff. Yeah it's nuts. I had no idea what people thought of May and again like how. Well we were doing or anything. I remember those one article in a paper like saying that they thought we were too much makeup forever. And actually we were only allowed to wear like juicy tubes lip gloss effort code and I a bit of a Mascaro and loom scholar. Maybe typing something and I. I'm really thankful for that because it was it was nice. I was still in this innocent little bubble and not ready stop. It wasn't even there really the beginning of the Saturdays. Either and so I've kind of had to learn to live with it. You know like everyone else I suppose. Yeah and also from the outside before social media I feel like it was very easy to someone who was a pop star or someone was in a band and see the data sheet since the glossy stuff and reading. Maybe seem life is pretty easy and perfect and I mean was laughing the other day to Franks. I went on a book tour. She to four bookshops Manchester from naked on my from my toll and then I also wonder how Ed Sheeran's like it's not all and then you know reading about how you know how exhausted you guys were during the chapter we talk about how you went to the GP and you like. I duNNo. I felt almost guilty and wafer seeming. That stuff was just fun but then I think as well it goes both ways because that is the whole point of a pop star. Really I guess to be like an an an icon and that comes with all different hats. You know you won't be relatable and but back in the day that wasn't really well. Pope styles were about. It was supposed to be this unaccessible thing that people talk to like like Britney Spears by the day-night I don't really WanNa know with the. She was Papaya Salad. I suppose at the time I just like to music. I like to music videos and She was co surprise. That was out job then so now we're should feel guilty about that but I just think times have changed now. People do want to know more. They do want to know the person more personally in deeply but there wasn't really the case like years ago. That's really true. Actually I guess yeah. You wouldn't have boys. I envy like telling you that worries no like during a show like you'll there to have a good time and you don't really want to know that stuff at that moment the same as when. I go to show when I went to watch Ariana Grande Day like I was kind of watching her and thinking. Wow she's been through so much this year and look at her. She's still here and she could've easily have never gone on tour again you know. She had the horrendous thing with her boyfriend taking his life as well so she's had a pretty shitty year yet she gets up and she performs and she lets people have a good time. And that's kind of what you one yet. You like a love and the emotion is kind of in the music in. Isn't it so it's like you? You feel connected task brushing it and she probably find strength in the fact that she can get out and bash out a song and a dance routine in. I don't know I just think it's a bit different but again I'm the same I want. I want to enjoy a show and I think now as well the music industry is different. I think manages. I'm record labels now can't get away with not caring about you as a human S Cup genius. One hundred percent kid so we were very protected and and even the Saturday I was lucky to have great people. But that's not the case with every group and we know that an and and your schedule is so busy and hectic and a anything missed is an opportunity missed. You know. It's it's it's a group of people aren't going to hear your new single and life just kind of gets away from you and it becomes bigger more important than anything else and. I don't think it's the same anymore. I don't think people are allowed to do that to bands and artists. And I wonder if you could talk about that time because I'm reading the book it was really you almost like the pages and be like frank like just wrap in a blanket like why is everyone making you do these shape still but but at the same time you kind of you. Quite fatty say when things have been prepared and people who are really hard to set something up and there's a lot of money and as loved jobs involved I was God that Mu- that would have been such a great amount of pressure fee to be light. Needs to get better by Aussie Latte. Newin down and be really talk about that thought struggle. Yeah I think I am. I'm a I'm a massive people pleaser anyway so I wouldn't have wanted to let anyone down but I think that's the same. A lot of people When you work in it takes so many people especially in a in a successful band. There's there's so many people involved and I think maybe when you're solo artist if you really can't do that shoe or wherever you're kind of any Tennessee letting yourself down if that's how you're going to look at it and whereas for me. I had four goes the wanted the band to be successful. The wanted to do well the equally working their asses off. And you don't want to be that one. That could possibly stop that from happening and again you know people pay money for things and you can't make it then people that have to have money to give them back. Hopi police money and there's just so many parts to it and even to yourself you know it's a job that I've wanted my whole life and and I got twice and now I can kinda say that's not just luck. I I worked really hard. And but I've spent a lot of my life kind of apologizing for that and being like You know I was really lucky and you know and now I see it slightly differently but we've kind of a tangent but yeah I think it's just there are always gonna be people to let down their argument. Be Things to miss. I think sometimes you have to just say there's no good time for it and I need to take a break now but that was really hard for me to do the time. Yeah I mean if your younger self now came up to you asking for advice would you? What would you have said in hindsight knowing what would you said? Actually you just digital best or would you be like. Oh No you actually council but I think I definitely think I did my best. I also think. How'd I have just said that guy is? I can't do this right now. And maybe I could have just taken a week off. And maybe then things have spiraled how they would've and I wouldn't have needed to take a month in hospital and then have his whole time to get over that. Maybe if I had just taken smaller extra days off time here and there may be. It would've been better. You've just done at the time and it just becomes your life flight. You get used to your schedule and people telling you when you're eating what you're doing. What time what time you up you wear and and the even that in itself when you come out of that is really scary thing. I would off to the sights days. Like what do I do today? I don't know 'cause no one's telling me what today. Wow Yeah that's such a unique setup in many ways that you could maybe lose lose your basic instincts around things. Yeah I think after esque of genius I was definitely very lost because I'd grown up in the band. I don't think I necessarily knew who I was on my own. As a person and it took me a really long time to figure that out and Yeah it's weird again. It's that thing of people telling you what to wear what you're doing today. And then giving you on your Ryan. You can do what you want lies like. That's everyone now on instagram. If that went away but what should I laugh? Yeah Yeah it's so weird yeah system off. I'll say what you just said. I think is actually really relatable to pretty much anyone no matter your job if you keep putting off that break but maybe it's like saying show boss. I do actually need a little bit of a break here. Then they should say yes because you know let some give someone something otherwise it will get. It could get worse. Well it's that age old thing isn't it? Prevention is better than cure and I am is definitely. I think we've mental health. People are doing not more now. We are saying China take control of our mind and saying I need to look after it myself and I think that's becoming a big thing and I think soon it would just be a normal thing that no one has to necessarily think about and just like going to the gym. I think will become a regular things that people. Don't quite a yeah. I hope so because I still feel like Obviously we're really lucky with the NHS and the wonderful people who help us all the time. But I think when you go to the GP and and like they don't necessarily sometimes ask you about other areas of your life. That could match up I just wondered if you could talk a little bit about that. I kind of interaction when you went to the GP and then they kind of realized it was slightly worse than maybe it. The exhaustion was slightly different to the other girls. How was that experience? It was weird like I can still. I don't remember the whole conversation but I can still. It's like an out of body experience. I can still see myself. Sat across the table to him. Just like soaping and It was weird when he kind of implied that there was more to it than just being tired and maybe I should go and see a therapist because some people do light. That's not normal and I was. I was quite offended. I think it was a bit like well. I'm not crazy. How dare you say I'm crazy like I'm a new person and I really crazy people that and I didn't know anything about mental health at that point and hadn't even cross my mind it wasn't spoken about and I just didn't really know what to do with that and I was lucky that he did? You know I've had friends of GP's and stuff and they go and eat more chocolate guy to the demo. And I was in a great position to be able to go and get help but it took me a really long time to actually take him up on the offer and do it because I think it just wasn't the dumb thing That's really really interesting. Thinking back to you know even that long ago. That was a huge stigma because I feel like in America has a therapist day. Oh yeah sometimes. If I'm in a restaurant or cafe and I hit TV talking about like my my therapist. Said I feel like I'm taking notes. 'cause I'm like getting free therapy and tell me more about your therapist. Yeah whereas you're right like that would have been really scary and be like what do you mean like I'm not mad? Yeah I'm just tired. I've told you I'm tired. Just deal with that and I just let me just get what I need from you and then let me on my way and I think I knew but I think I just didn't really want to accept it at the time and I didn't tell anyone either because I just thought he was an idiot to be honest but yeah I loved the in your book. You Skim over anything actually you. You go into detail around therapy. Go into detail around medication and I. G. Medication is like the kind of the lost taboo area. I feel like we're getting. We're getting there. I hope but it feels like medication. Compensation is like well. We were therapy while ago. Yeah and I look. I'm so I spent about the fact that I need medication. If I if I come off with my medication I'll be back in hospital some point. It's just but you wouldn't think knotweed if I said that I had diabetes or asthma. You would just below okay and not. Everyone needs it like. I've had friends of input on it and they didn't need it. That depression was circumstantial. They just need to someone to and then they will find often. It's not fine but you know it hopes and they didn't need the medication so I think it goes both ways. I don't think it's for everyone by still meet so many people with mental health and psych as like when people have babies like once. You're pregnant and you become a mum a sigh. Oh Yeah I pushed out three babies with narrow. I didn't have any pain relief. And it's like Whoa done you. That's amazing but you don't get a medal at the end of it. You just get healthy beautiful baby like everyone else. And it's a bit like that with medication with mental health. Is I feel I sometimes becomes a bit of like a badge of on like a wife. Punish to get better without it and so should you. And and I've I've met people that have kind of made me feel ashamed. The I needed that and I couldn't shoes. Mindfulness or the gym or meditation. Or whatever to get better. And that's great if you can but because it didn't work for me I'm just old about signed people if you need it just take it. There's no shame in and if he needs to be on it for the rest of Your Life Sipe it it. I was on it when I was pregnant. That still a big thing as well. That people don't realize too about the amount of messages I get online about it. It's just unreal. Yes you have to be careful yes you have to Tokyo. J Nine own education may take him while you're pregnant but some kind and for me. I would have been no use to a newborn baby have not been on it so it was as simple as that essay eloquently per i. It's true and it's like we'll whatever path you take to get better. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter whether what what type of thing kind of helped with people you know you break it by epilogue muscle you go to Rehab and you take time to make that better and I feel like with the mind people Either want a quick fix or they'll ignore it or Ceylon still guide therapy. You haven't had a breakdown. Frazier's will you haven't had to panic. Is that for so long and it site but because I still guide therapy because I'm still my medication. It's an ongoing thing. How do you deal with people online? I don't know I don't know what semesters you get do you get like a kind of bombarded with other people's opinions still on the way you level or a people less intense. I find people just more. I I get so many people that open up to me and and it is really nice but it comes with a little bit of pressure. Because I'm like well I'm still figuring it all out myself but it is lovely that people feel that they can open up to me and and and a lot of it does revolt from education. If I'm being honest just people being afraid of it or having people in their lives. That don't agree with it and stuff like that and actually online. I never get anyone say anything or if they do. I don't see it. I've met people in the posits suffer this ourselves and have recovered in different ways to. May and they can be quite give me a bit of a lecture and you don't need to be I am. I went say who is a singer and come out and he was. I saw. You did really well On that interview. Just like really open and honest and really brave and you're doing really great stuff. Now thank you. Here's what you know. Why suffer myself but medication isn't the anyway like you know? There's so many other things and just went on and on and on and I was like he I'm sure he means well but also she now just making me. Feel Shit. Because I haven't managed to conquer this without it you have on your banning of condescending and I'm not turning around human saying they will you might have announced do these things get some drugs in your. You know like yeah. It's like doing the other way round. Yeah so I think I think. Ultimately people mean mobile. I just think today visit a place. Maybe that's not but it's like with physical stuff as well with them. I remember when Elizabeth Gilbert had had announced on instagram. That she was going through some stuff in one partner. Had been diagnosed with Type of cancer. And she she put in the caption. If you're gonNA give me some advice and options and like tell me about your green smoothies. The special magical thing that like pleased. I. I really don't need that right now and it was just such shame that disclaimer is needed. Sometimes where it's like. Yeah need your advice. I think he's just I do think people meanwhile but I think yeah there is. There is a time and a place like my sister really openly talks about miscarriage and and she has set often on her instagram price. And stuff like I am happy with the course of action that we're taking and this is what we're doing. I'm telling you about here. I'm not telling you that's what to do and the work for everyone. I don't really want to hear all of your ideas and what you've done if that's not what is here for come to things so yes a really hard balance with me. 'cause you know when someone really just wants to tell us what they're going through and a part of you wants to be like. Oh yes that's happened to me wants but then you're like I don't WanNa make it about me and like it's not the same. I remember when it was like I remember when I went through this break at once. And I've been going out with this guy a few years and I remember my friend he'd gone on one date with someone and then didn't go in the second one being like I feel the same and I was like I was like such a silly example. But sometimes it's really comforting to be like you know on the same page about something but then also we will different and it can be a bit like. I've any recently learned not to dish out solutions because there is none but I think as people aren't always looking for and that's kind of what I've tried to say with. Mental health is like when someone opens up to you and talk about it. They are not looking for you to fix it or to fix them. They just want eater. Everyone's different but it's just for someone to hear it and guy okay like be that. Listen Hug let someone cry. Whatever but you not. Sometimes people can be like frank coming in. Let's go and do this. We're GONNA go for a walk and we're going to do that in Your Life Sweetie Wall all you need from me like just want you to hear it and to sit with it and to have the opportunity. Sei Out loud and also not everything can be fixed. Yeah and everything is broken. I just wondering because I might be people listening. Who might be going through some of or maybe that partner will may be a friend? You talk really honestly in the book as well a bow like your relationship with your husband and how you both to sort of Work this out and he you know you had to him and he. He like this bitten aquarium quorum. He saw has the wrong thing. And you're like why did you just tell me terrible thing which is like no one's fol- you know when you don't know what to say? I mean a did you run. The book passed him when you wrote about him and be. How did you kind of get to the point where you all? Now Hayes actually ready. Yeah interesting yeah I mean he's fully proud of me for doing it. You say wonderful things about him. So Gary he yeah he was up for me during it. I never asked for his permission but I knew I always had his support. And what was the other question just like how did you work through New Right now? He could help people. Yeah So said that it was fine and yet he hasn't ready yet and I am nervous because I'm like he doesn't he doesn't read. I mean he he he tried to read was fifty shades of grey. And we all know why he tried to read that and he didn't even get through that so I'm not he's not a massive data so him typically like. I'm going to sit down and read your Hobart. I think he'll probably wait for the audio book. So I'm like that's his choice. I've given him the option and he's he's not taking it. That's fine. I thought so. I don't think he's worried and I think with him. It was a massive learning curve. Because we want Elian together you know he could have easily would away and She's Gregory but he didn't and he hasn't always found it easy and he hasn't always been great at dealing with it and even now he'll still have times where I can tell that he's taken it personally and I completely understand that. Because how would you know we you know with each other every day? He's my closest person. The person I would say the most and I always ends up being the person that sees the worst part of you you know. I can go to work. Be Smiley chatty do things I need to do see some friends forever around the kids but then around him so much harder to fight that he gets the West sides of me like every relationship and he had to. When I was in hospital he spent a lot of time with my therapist with them. Kind of expanding it to him in the same way that they explained it to me so he does he does get it and you know. I'm not the easiest person in the world to be with but hey still his. That's what I think. That's why I really enjoyed reading those bits of grateful for you mentioning them because you could have been like. I don't WanNa talk about my personal life in any detail in the book but you you did bring that stuff in. What I think is important because it doesn't justify it may affected my whole family and my friends and and it still. Does you know when I'm having a bad time. My friends went here for me. I can't always be person even if I'm there you know. Sometimes I'm not the same made. I was the day before and now everyone knows me and knows the situation. They get it and I wanted to find out about it but I spent so many is hiding it that everyone's kind of learning as we say it does affect. Everyone and I think it would be naive to think that it. It doesn't yes so true so just a couple of questions left but I just wanted with. I know that we would just saying about not giving too many specific pieces of advice. I wanted to have. Maybe what you say on how to like Phil less guilt in everyday life because I felt like especially like being a woman we made to feel guilty for everything what we eat what we were here. We go out with like all we good. Are We? Good everything? We're doing everything so we having it all and all that stuff I just. I know that you've written a lot about how you feel really guilty about things and I think that's very relatable on whatever scale that is we will feel guilty all the time. How made peace with I haven't really. He's probably one of my biggest things with my mental health Pretty much it. Every day it takes a really long time to get over anything that I think that I've done in my life. That's wrong or bad or whatever like I was still the map in kind of like torture myself with them. Just my thing But I say I think now I kind of have perspective on things and I can kind of tell myself this is your version of a situation. Actually like with my kids. I might feel guilty and I know this is a big mum thing with your Black Mamo not but for example. Amoah COMES INTO FOR MYSELF. But you know there's always that work life balance the same with them and then when you have kids they get thrown into the mix as well when you want them to feel loved nurtured and like you have time for them and when you're with them you want to be prison the same as when you're at work and you never felt like you can be one hundred percent in both and I'm starting to accept the icon. Be One hundred percent all the time in every part of my life because it's just not realistic and I look at my kids and sometimes I think I'm a terrible mom and they must be really unhappy and they'd probably be better off with another mom. That's you know it's enough to be a stay at home parent or wherever and actually when I look at them. They're really happy. Well rounded boys and they are so loved by not just me but everyone around them and they have really present grandparents and my husband is around all the time so they actually really lucky. And that's kind of I have. I think you have to take a step back every so often and guy. Okay boys the row situation here and it doesn't mean that never gonNA come back but I think it's just checking in with yourself and saying this is actually the truth. We do live in an age where we do feel like we have to be great at everything and solves just. Yeah you just can't lie. I'm always wearing like I might good enough friend of I've been there enough for my friends. Have I put enough effort in at work? You know. Am I give him Wayne Enough of my time. The kids My parents just everything the same as everyone thinks just realizing that. Just impossible I've gone back to doing like paper to do lists where I can crossings off because I felt so ever wound recently. I was like I need to physically crossings off and it would be like send a card to someone so small Admin God I mean. I can't imagine what it's like when you're like he will two extra people abdomen. Oh God yeah now that they're at school. They have their high like schedule. Some wherever and paperwork and it's just I is a law even now like with Christmas. I love Christmas. Christmas is my favorite time of year. I found this one really stressful because work ramps out because everyone's trying to everything in before the new Yan- school. There's so many things on at school that I want to go and see and I wanna be there for buying enough presence and getting everything right and then everyone is coming to mind for Christmas ordering the food and the rule funding lovely things and we really lucky that we get to do them all. But they're forming and also you know tone up mental health. I think people often themselves in December. Because there's such a pressure it's like have this perfect Christmas and families on perfect now. No and that's why as you get older so I think you realize everyone has their stuff. I every family has the weird member of the family or like you know their arguments and and you just don't see it when you're younger which is lovely and I you know the you don't yes. It can be very stressful and you spend a really long intense time with your family more than you ever would in any other time of the is. So you're GonNa Avoidance Graham over the holiday season because I feel like a con. That is the thing neck last year between Christmas and New Year I posted about feeling ready rubbish and I and I found that time in between really before really down because I felt like I was in limbo. Like you've had this big bill. My favorite thing is the build up to Christmas. You've had this big build up to Christmas. Christmas Day has been amazing boxing. Days normally a chilling more people come over and then that in between Christmas and New Year. It's like am. I still face to be celebrating. No one's really at work. Nothing's really happening. But then he lights and I don't know like I don't know what you do. In that time period. I remember like hovering at the post over the post putting about whether or not sex. I don't want to bring down the mood of Christmas because everyone's having such great time that she this is how I'm feeling maybe other people. Wa such lovely feedback and so many more people felt the same way than I thought they would. And their share. Where my real conscious effort to like book of things in in the in between periods and came I wanted to go away but My sister lives in me to coming over so I want to be here for them. Siwa conscious run away from it so I'm not I'm just GonNa find ways to keep myself busy. Yeah that's really good advice radios So the book kind of ends on a bit of a work in progress. Note when I say this isn't really the end of my story and also we're all learning will growing and we're all changing. Is there anything in twenty twenty that you you know you just going to focus on a bet not that? I'm not like a New Year's resolution or anything but just more like something you're going to continue to do and welcome. I've kind of had this new thing and I've been doing it. They share where. I'm trying to do things that scare me more like when the Himalayas with copper fail I And that takes every Ang's -iety books of mine have a like a bit of icy day so as far as it sounds. India has always been some. We are a bit nervous about ballet and you know small and this stuff so I was always a bit light and it's really busy allowed and I was I am. I didn't know if that would be my place. And maybe made didn't really know where the Himalayas well and I was like. Yeah sure I'll do that. And then even though it was one hundred people that win not familiar like aerobics shrines. It there's so many people I don't know and then I was a team leader. Never done before. And now we're in charge of twenty other people and so there was so many parts of that the whatever terrifying for me and I found this year like kind of I really enjoy proving minds. Is he wrong because then it gives you confidence that the next time you anxious about something of going? That's probably not true when I can properly fight for that. Didn't these last eight hundred times or whatever and it's been really big for me doing that like I did silly things moss chef. I'm Sachi Crap Cook when a master chef and I was like yeah it was rubbish. I came out. I but who cares. It was fun. The track control is other things. I've done well. Yeah but the Times. Were you like as easy as like? I'm going to do it all with that time so you I'm GonNa put out or oh yeah like when I suggest to the the track it was so far away I just kind of ignores there was going to happen and then when it come up pas like oh I wish I hadn't said yes KOMO engine if there's like an excuse command but then again I'm going to let people down and that how usual and I'm so glad I didn't because for the minute I went like leaving the kids four pretty selfish but because it's for charity. I can kind of go okay. That's fine and just the Ho- trip it was hard like even just get in there and took three days to get there. We have to get sleep portraying which for mainland. Ocd of Jones and stuff of sleeping. Lets people set? The toilets were disgusting. The food already fussy eater like everything about it terrified me and I said to them like if you told me that just getting here was like the track. I believe you is. That was a law and I've met legs of awesome people and I was I. Oh so I can totally be out of my comfort zone. I can tell you push myself today. These things and I'm GONNA be okay at the end of it wasn't easy it was in some of it wasn't fun by. I've come out the end with like an amazing memory and take of like okay. Well that was anxiety proved wrong high. I could do it do it. Yes I love that. Let's get to end note to end on Just because I think as much as like the Self Cam Movement of like you know look after yourself Mike. Cocoon yourself when you when you feel also on the other side like we kind of have to be resilient as well in like prevail cells that we can do it. I think you have to fill the fair and do it anyway. Sometimes within reason of his Oh my God castle inspired now. If I go book some crazy track you'll be with you. Thank you so much being an amazing the Open Pun. Intended on the cost in your incredible book thank you.